i never remember
them, if i ever
even have them.
but this week,
they’ve been constant
and consistent.
they wake me
up at odd times,
and leave me
unable to get
back to sleep.
they need to
go away
because i get
nothing done when
all i think
about is
her.
(and this fucking song needs to leave me alone).
193 Comments
give yourself a little slack
it hasn’t even been a year
time doesn’t always heal wounds, sometimes it just helps us cultivate our coping skills
I wish I had something brilliant and non-trite to say that would make things better or even some sense but, alas, I do not. I CAN tell you that the frquency of these kinds of dreams WILL lessen, as will the havoc they wreak. It’ll just take time. That’s it. If you can just get through this day and the next, eventually days will add up to a lot of days and you’ll find yourself feeling a little less like hell. Until then, as Dory (Finding Nemo) would say… “just keep swimming.” Sometimes, it’s all any of us can do…
Much love from one creep to another,
L
Day at a time friend…….
Time…..it won’t ever go away, but it will gradually get better. Justtake it one day at a time. And you will always have little Madeline to let you know that everything will be okay. Hope the day gets better
I am really sorry about the dreams. That fucking sucks. But its natural.
As for the song… THIS ought to do the trick! I dare you to get that song out of your head.
Six o’clock already
I was just in the middle of a dream
I was kissin’ Valentino
By a crystal blue Italian stream
But I can’t be late
‘Cause then I guess I just won’t get paid
These are the days
When you wish your bed was already made
It’s just another manic Monday
I wish it were Sunday
‘Cause that’s my funday
My I don’t have to runday
It’s just another manic Monday
Have to catch an early train
Got to be to work by nine
And if I had an air-o-plane
I still couldn’t make it on time
‘Cause it takes me so long
Just to figure out what I’m gonna wear
Blame it on the train
But the boss is already there
It’s just another manic Monday
I wish it were Sunday
‘Cause that’s my funday
My I don’t have to runday
It’s just another manic Monday
All of the nights
Why did my lover have to pick last night
To get down
Doesn’t it matter
That I have to feed the both of us
Employment’s down
He tells me in his bedroom voice
C’mon honey, let’s go make some noise
Time it goes so fast
When you’re having fun
It’s just another manic Monday
I wish it were Sunday
‘Cause that’s my funday
My I don’t have to runday
It’s just another manic Monday
I wish it was Sunday
‘Cause that’s my funday
It’s just another manic Monday
Breathe.Let yourself feel, and be whatever you need to be. Always here. ALWAYS. 143 <3
It seems that “someone” is trying to tell you something or to let you know things are gonna be ok. They may not make sense right now but hopefully they will someday. I am sure its hard I can’t even imagine but like everyone else before me said one day at a time. One step at a time. Things will make sense soon. This is my prayer for you an Maddy.
I’m sorry. It takes time. A lot of people think they know what to say but I know I dont… and sometimes what people say makes it worse… But, all I can say is I’m sorry. And I’m sorry if that doesn’t help. .. this is just another hand in the pile wishing good things for you.
Dreams are your sleep connections to Liz, embrace them for those moments are precious.
I’ve never posted before, but thought I’d add, that I hope in time that you find your dreams to be a way to visit with her and have her give you reassurance. I’ve found that dreams are my way to give lost loved ones a hug or just enjoy them watching me and seeing them see where I am at in life. It takes time to get to that point though. And it took a lot of conscious thinking about controlling my dreams to get to the point where I could see someone in my dreams, realize it was a dream and sieze the opportunity to act in my dream. Hope that doesn’t sound too crazy.
Just wanted to send you a hug!
I’m sorry about the dreams. You’d think you would be able to find some peace in sleep, at the very least. I hope that peace comes sooner rather than later.
i was told after my grandpa passed that these were “visits”
i’m not sure if your dreams are positive or not but mine were and thinking of them as visits helped me cope, i think. hang in there.
you’re going to be okay.
you really are.
one day at a time, friend.
one hour at a time, if need be.
I hope you are able to get some solid rest soon.
Liz is so very pretty.
Being tormented by dreams fucking sucks and I’m sorry that yours are doing that to you. I’ve had them before and they used to make me feel like you are…but now, (three years later and it isn’t a spouse so I suppose it’s a bit different) I sometimes like having them. It feels like I’m getting to see them again and even though I know they won’t be there when I wake it, it hurts less each time my eyes open. It hasn’t been a year yet so hell yeah they still hurt and they suck and maybe they will continue to for awhile. You feel what you feel and work through it however you need to, for however long. I do hope that it eases for you soon. Take itr day by day friend, it’s all anyone can do. I hope I made some sense and wasn’t giving you crap advice lol Hug that beautiful girl of yours. And here’s a big *HUG* from me and my little girl Bella. <3
xoxoxo,
Tricia in the So. Cal
*hugs*
I’m sorry, Matt. Nothing profound to add, except that I hope that your dreams begin to lead you towards peace instead of frustration.
Sending hugs from the GA.
I had the opposite happen after my brother died- I wanted him to visit me in my dreams, and he rarely did. Eventually, though, he did, and in those dreams we were saying good-bye. And I suppose it was peaceful b/c I never got to say good-bye to him. Shit. Now I’m bawling. I can’t stop. Crap. It’s been 14 years. F***. I don’t know why stuff like dreams and memories come up like that. Just out of nowhere. I don’t know why there are days I can’t stop missing him or why I dream about him night after night for a period of time. I’m sorry. It’s so fucking hard for you some days. I guess somehow enjoy that time with Liz, even if it is a dream. I think it will be comforting for you.
I truly hope that you are able to rest soon… those dreams are the worst. I dreamed extremely vivid dreams when I lost someone who I loved very much…I didn’t always know exactly what had happened in them, just that he was there. And then, I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep for hours. Sometimes those dreams haunted me all day long and it would be all I could think about.
As many others have said – just take things one day at a time. You can do this, and you have been doing this.
Sending strength & a hug.
Maybe it’s b/c of Valentine’s Day. It’s a milestone. Your first without her. May you find happiness and so much love in your daughter. This is not easy. I’ll be thinking of you.
It’s a lie that time heals our broken hearts. I think we just learn to be different people who live with their brokeness. Thoughts and memories are okay… Even if nothing gets done. That’s the story of most of my days
Love, strength, and a hug. Hope you can rest.
Crap. That sucks. Though Dreams are telling. She must be with you a lot right now.
Hang in there and as others have said, take it one step at a time. I hope you find peace and give that sweet baby girl a hug.
Yes, it fucking sucks. Can’t get around that.
I’ve had dreams for years since my divorce, always trying to figure out how I could make things right. And I dream about the children I was never blessed with. Hey, it happened and, yes, it fucking sucks.
In this case, you did nothing wrong; for whatever reason, Liz died. She didn’t deserve it, you didn’t deserve it, Madeline didn’t deserve it.
It just is. And, yes, it fucking sucks.
You gotta feel the pain and move through it (hence, the dreams); there is no shortcut. But … and this is REAL: you WILL move through it and you WILL … believe it not … find REAL joy again.
Liz will always be with you and Maddy in love. The memories will become comfort and pleasure … but not pain. And you will make — and are making — glorious memories of your new life.
When I go through tragedies — and I’ve been through more than my share — there comes a time when I am ready to seek help from a professional. You may be getting there. Don’t let the “I’m a strong person; I can solve this myself” self-talk blind you to the fact that living life really DOES take a village (regardless of your personal feelings toward Hillary Clinton).
As you have learned from raising Madeline so far — you’ve had the help of thousands of strangers who really DO care. But in the end, you gotta take care of Daddy first — the airlines have it right: put your oxygen mask on first and then your child’s — because he is Maddy’s rock. It’s like taking care of your only kidney — you have no choice.
And if you don’t feel you’re doing the right thing, just re-watch the video from Rachel Ray. That is one fucking happy baby there! All the evidence you need that you’re doing it right.
Bless you, give yourself a break, find a counselor to help you work through your grief and keep moving forward one step at a time.
And, to requote Aimee above: BREATHE!
Thinking of you.
They come, they go. And they get you when you’re thinking you’re just right back on track. It’s been three years for me and I miss him so. But the ache is lessened?
Maybe.
*hugs*
hope you can get some decent rest.
Matt and Madeline,
I have the worst time with dreams. My dreams are so vivid that I sometimes have a hard time distinguishing between a dream and reality when I first wake up! I noticed that they went away when my boys were very young, and they came back when they started sleeping through the night. Maybe set an alarm on your cell phone that can be shut off easily, but wakes you up enough that it gets you out of that deep sleep. I know it sounds crazy! But it helps me out…
It is okay, you’re human. It is to be expected. I think with all the hard work you have been putting into trying to raise money for the foundation and re-telling your story would bring feelings and thoughts to the surface which would spill into your dreams.
Take care of yourself….it does get better. Promise….
“Sleep is when all the unsorted stuff comes flying out as from a dustbin upset in a high wind.”— William Golding
if i wake up startled by a dream i will usually go do something to help take my mind off it, like load the dishwasher, put a load of laundry in, or even take out the trash. It’s something about the dishwasher hum (noisy maytag too) that helps me.
I know what you mean Matt. My wife passed this summer and sometimes, more frequent than I would like, I wake up from a dream that feels so real. Only to realize once again that I can’t fill her void no matter how much I want to. It screws up the whole day when you start it like that. I notice that they come and go…but they always seem very vivid and real. And I don’t think I’ve gotten much of anything done in the last six months…sometimes I’m suprise I still have a job.
Saw your twitter post earlier today and knew that you were having a hard time. Sorry doesn’t seem to cut it but that’s all I can say.
i’ve hated my dreams sometimes. they would show me something in life i didn’t have, and that maybe could’ve been. always hated that about them. dreams are seriously screwed up sometimes. but then again, sometimes they can be visits from the ones we miss the most. i have a lot of them about my gramma and grampa. sometimes i wake up smiling, and other times i wake up in tears. those are the hardest ones to deal with.
you’re doing the best you can, matt. *gentle hugs* maybe it’s her way of letting you know that she’s close by, and watching over you and maddie.
you’re both always in my thoughts and prayers. always.
Hi
I know what you are experiencing because I went through it, too. Now the dreams are like a chance to be with him and I find comfort in them somewhat. It takes a while though, so be patient with yourself. I’m so sorry.
Oh, Matt! Big hug! No words of wisdom from me, but I’ll bet it’s because March is coming up quickly. I wish there was a way to make this easier, but there just isn’t.
I read somewhere that when your life changes so drastically (i.e. death, preparing for a baby), in order for your brain to cope you dream about people and places that remind you of a time when you were happy and carefree. Dealing with both of those at the same time took a hell of a toll on you. I can’t imagine what you are going through. My prayers are with you.
You just love her and miss her so so much. Time will make things easier. Every night when I put my son to bed (he is 10moths old), I think of you and Maddy, I pray for you guys; there has not been one night (since I found about you and Maddy) that goes by without me thinking of you or praying for you. Wishing you have a good sleep tonight. Hugs
I think dreams are where you get to spend a little time with her. She misses you as much as you miss her and maybe you should look at them as some alone time with her. I have them about my Dad and sister who passed away. Without those dreams I would never get to see them.
Long-time follower…infrequent poster.
I’ve often wondered if you had or would ever seek professional grief counseling. My personal experience was very positive…my therapist would help me interpret those dreams, which was comforting in itself.
I hope you know how inspirational you are.
During the past year, have you let your guard down long enough to really grieve your enormous loss?
Being caught up in the whirlwind of the events since your wife’s death and focusing on your daughter may have turned your attention elsewhere. However, your mind and body are still filled with grief which will get your attention in some way (via dreams possibly) and require you to work it through.
Matt, I have been reading your blog for a long time now and with every post, my heart breaks for you. This one is no exception.
Do you have these dreams often, or are they just coming up more frequently now? If so, that would make sense given your trip to Mexico and all the memories and feelings that came up there, along with the launching of Liz’s foundation, the piece in People and the spot on the RR show.
When I was a little kid, there was a part in the story Peter Pan that always fascinated me. It was about how, while children slept, parents sat with them and somehow organized the thoughts in their minds, removing the bad stuff and putting the good stuff up front. During this (kind of creepy) organization is when dreaming took place. I’ve always found comfort – not in the idea of people leaning over me clearing out my head while I sleep – but in dreaming being an organizational process of sorts. The only time when all that stuff going on in your subconscious is let out and worked through and organized.
Maybe this is a period of subconscious reorganization for you. It probably sounds hokey, but we find comfort where we can, right?
I wish only the best for you and Maddy, and lots of peace ahead.
Matt, I hope that someday the dreams give you comfort. Maybe that’s Liz’s way to let you know everything will be alright and she’s proud of YOU! A big HUG for you and Maddy! Hold on tight to Maddy and enjoy today with her! Have a good wkend and hope you can get much rest! XO
I think everyone has given you great words of wisdom. I dont have much else to top that… just wanted you to know one more stranger friend is thinking & praying for you.
Just wanted to say that we are thinking about you and keeping you in our prayers.
Matt, so often I come to your site, and I’m just so inspired by your strength. Today though, I was reminded by how much reality can just be like a giant kick to the fucking nuts. I’m so sorry. You still inspire me though. I don’t know how you do it.
I am so sorry Matt. I’m not going to wish away the pain because the only way for that to happen would be to foget about her. I am just going to hope the pain becomes a little less acute.
Still praying for you.
I have never commented but I have been meaning to for months. Every time you post I am so inspired and moved. I have had some loss recently, right after I started reading actually, and just feel for you, dude. All I can say is this shit sucks. It sucks a lot.
Just found your site a few days ago…anyway I believe spirits come in your dreams to be with you or to tell you things. That’s how they keep in touch and let you know they are always there for you…so sleep peacefully and know things are okay.
Hi Matt, I have been following your blog for a long time now, and think about you and Maddy and Liz everyday. You amaze me with your strength and your ability to write about what you are going through. I have also lost a love of my life, and it is amazing to look back on that first year without him, and know that it was a lot of going through the motions, the mind and the body are completely separate. And the heart, well, the heart is in a world of its own. A lot of it seems blurry and also completely magical, in the way that the world takes care of the freshly broken-hearted. Like it is almost like you could easily forget to breathe, or forget how to have conversations, or to even exist when you are suffering so profoundly, but somehow most of us don’t. Somehow, humans are amazing beings. So awesome that you have beautiful Maddy to wake up for and be with Liz in some small way through your awesome daughter. There can be a lot of pain in the dreaming…dreams like that always seem to sneak up on you, but maybe they are there to help us to heal, to somehow go forward. I like what Hparisi says about getting to spend time with people through dreams. There can be a lot of love in the dreaming too, and I wish you that. Perhaps some hugs and love and all kinds of good things. Because when someone we love dies, the love doesn’t go away, it just changes forms, and dreams are sometimes great at reminding us of that.
Blessings to you Matt, I am thinking and praying for you everyday. Amazing how strangers can feel so connected.
You’ve been so busy these days, maybe these dreams are a reminder to just take a little time… Hopefully things settle down and you can get some sleep and get some stuff done. There are lots of people rooting for you!
The dreams are her way of letting you know that she’s ok and that you will be ok. For the 1st year after I lost my loved one I had the dreams. One day my sister & I were talking about them & she said it was just his way of letting me know he was ok. Once I understood that the dreams left but never the memories.
Hang in there your doing great!
Had a very similar experience. Was having a hard time after the death of my grandfather, we were very close (several years ago). Could not shake the sadness, songs, sights, smells, everything reminded me of him. Still do…He was taken so fast. Use to go to his grave and just sit, terrible pain. Then several months after he died I had a dream about him, just one, but it was so real. To this day I believe it was more than a dream. Still don’t know exactly what. In my dream he looked so great, so healthy, so handsome, so peaceful. He was wearing the same type clothing he always wore and his skin was so beautifully tanned. (He use to love spending time in the sunshine). His eyes were the bluest I had ever seen them and his hair the whitest. I talked to him. I told him I loved him and missed him. He said he loved me too. Then he gave me a message for my father about a certain possession of my grandfather’s. I had no idea what the message meant or what impact if any it might have on anyone or why anyone would even care, but as he told me to do I gave my father the message…It was the strangest thing, my father just broke down in tears and said the item was something only they knew about. I got all choked up at the time and still do when I think of it. It sort of confirms to me that it was something more than just a dream. It was very comforting. Just hold on, maybe you will find some comfort as well. I had been praying at the time for a comforter because of the biblical verse, “I will not leave you comfortless.” Anyway, hoping this helps until you and Liz meet again.
this whole thing fucking sucks. fucking sucks a big fucking fat one. that’s all i have to say about that.
but then i think of maddy……..and it seems a little bit better….a lot better. hug her. kiss her. and cry while you hold her and miss her momma. it’s OK.
thinking about you… and praying for sweet peace.
sorry. this sucks.
I hope you get some rest soon. I am so sorry.
I know how the dreams can be though. My dad passed away a few years ago and I have dreams about him all the time. They are sometimes really weird. I once went to a psychic reading ( i normally don’t believe in that kind of stuff ) but she said to me that my dad’s spirit was with my brother and would visit me in my dreams. I thought that was really weird and cool. She also mentioned that my dad’s spirit was with my brother because he needed more guidance than me. I really believe that. And perhaps it is similar for you and Maddy. Anyway hearing that sure made me feel better about the dreams and embrace them.
Anyway I hope you get some rest and feel a little better soon.
There’s no time limit on this. It may last longer than you want it to or don’t want it to. Hugs.
Asalamu Alaykom Mr. Matt,
Growing up, I lived with dream analysis and Jungian psychology. Go figure, eh? There was this sand table with little figures and I got to play with it once a week The theory was that if you enact your dreams upon the table, you get them out of your head. I think there’s some truth in that. If you don’t have a sand table, write them down as soon as you wake up. Or draw a picture. Get them out. You didn’t write what you are seeing, but whatever you are seeing YOU ARE FEELING. It is your unspoken you that is yelling at you this week.
Cool thing that I learned to do is to go into my dreams and change them. That is very empowering. While you are dreaming, go ahead and tell yourself it’s a dream and (instead of waking yourself up) do whatever you want; say whatever you want.
And that song? Listen, that song is deeply depressing…to me anyhow. I love, love, love me some songs that I could kill myself over by the third looping. So, I only listen to them twice over, ya know? Don’t you get The Current 89.3 streaming to you? Force yourself to listen to some upbeat tunes—or I’m going to do a “Say Anything” to you and play some WHAM! “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go!” on my boombox outside your window!
Matt, im sorry about your dreams.
i wish i had some great advice to offer but
im not the best on giving advice to others but i can
say this and im sure you’ve heard it a million times,
one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time if that even helps. Your loss has been tragic but Liz will ALWAYS be with you, she’s your guardian angel.
Love and strength.
Im praying for you.
Best Wishes from the OK.
Hi Matt. Say you on the Rachael Ray show this week and signed up for your feed. Madeline is absolutely adorable and I am so sorry about Liz. My heart goes out to you both.
Days like this will come and go and, as the years go by, (yes, unfortunately, it will take years) the dreams will come less often, farther apart, as the hurt starts to lessen just a teeny bit.
Days like this, just take a deep breath, look at that beautiful daughter of yours and know that you are doing something good, solid and right and that she is so very proud of you.
I’m sorry about the dreams!
Those kind of dreams can be so hard. Some are good, but many are downright heartbreaking. After my dad died I had a dream that he “came back” and surprised me at home. I can still feel his arms around me when I jumped into them, so excited to see his smiling face. And when I woke up and realized it wasn’t true, that he wasn’t ever coming back…I don’t think I ever cried so hard in my life.
Stay strong. One day at a time. “They” (whoever “they” are) say it gets better. I guess only time will tell. Thinking about you today.
Matt,
I am sitting here crying b/c I wish this were all a dream and you could wake up and she would be back…why can’t this all just be a dream? I am so sorry!
Michellej
All I could think of when reading this post is….
“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart…waking up is the hardest part..”
It sucks. I know. But maybe she’s trying to let you know she’s still with you and Maddy, and is so proud of you both.
I think Liz is telling you that she’s still with you, and that she’s so, so proud of all you’re doing for yourself and for Maddy.
I’ve had very vivid dreams like that before too about loved ones that have passed, and they really do stick with you. Hopefully one day you can enjoy those dreams instead of dreading them.
Big hugs and lots of love to you both!
A few years ago a close friend of mine committed suicide. At first I would have these horrible, haunting, wake-you-up-crying dreams. Then, eventually, the dreams became more peaceful, and now when I do have one, I welcome them, its a way I can see him again, hear his voice, remember silly things we did together when we were younger. ok – anyway, what I am saying is that someday, I cant tell you when, these dreams are going to be ok, they are going to be good and happy dreams that leave you feeling not so alone in the world. Write them down, if you remember them, even if its just writing down what you felt when you woke up. And you have a whole world here to support you. Rant and ramble all you want, and we will listen, and that will help.
keep on keeping on my friend. we’ll be right along side you.
I have dreams about my mother (who died when I was four) and my grandmother – who died my sophomore year in college – all the time. What frustrates me the most about the dreams about my Mom is that I can never see her face in them. It’s kind of like when you were a kid and you watch the muppet babies and you could never see Nanny’s face. It urks the hell out of me. In the dreams about my Granny I would be so sad when she first died I didn’t want go to sleep. Now that I’m older and have “real word problems and stressors” I can’t wait to go to sleep just to see her. Time will ease all things. I believe that people who have a strong impact on our lives always leave a piece of themselves behind, the pain is acute because the love was so strong. The love will remain strong but the pain will ease….one day.
I’ve never posted before, but read your blog daily. I read your story in PEOPLE MAG and it touched me so. I also saw you and Maddy on RR. My heart breaks for you, but thank GOD you have Maddy! You are an awesome Dad and an awesome person. I see why Liz loved you so much.
I’ve heard that a deceased person in your dreams is that person letting you know they are around. I’ve had 3 close relatives die and they have all (and still do) come back in my dreams. They are always “coming home” from being gone a while. And yes, it does suck!
Let me know if you and Maddy are ever in New Orleans. We’d LOVE to show you around!
I agree that time does not really heal all wounds…it just covers them up at certain times, and at other times they pop wide open. I think because you’ve been telling your story so much lately that it’s probably hitting you all over again. I’ve been in that situation with a lost loved one lately, where I tell the story again, it’s still fresh as ever and it knocks the wind out of me. It sucks really…and I’m coming up on a year anniv for that as well. Perhaps just try to embrace the dream, maybe Liz is trying to tell you something?
It’s her way of being with you – she’s letting you know she’s right there by your side, with you every step of the way.
she’s so pretty matt, and you’re so brave for being able to face each day without her. i let out such a big sigh every time i see a pic of her. i wish things could be so different for you.
I’ve read your blog daily for the better part of a year now, but it’s my first time commenting. Never had much to say before, I guess.
Some say dreaming of lost loved ones is a comfort, but when it’s all still so fresh, waking up is like just another punch in the gut.
I lost my father seven years ago this month – I’ve dreamt of him once, and it was the night after he passed.
Stuff like this…it’s never something you get over. Just something you get used to.
Dreams can be tough and screw with you. Here’s to a silent night tonight…
try to embrace them. just like you are trying to do with everything else… work these into a positive light. it can help you get through this. i stand in awe constantly of what you go through every day of your life and how you get through it.
we’re here for you to vent to about anything, and while we may not know what to say, or how best to say it, we’re cheering you on. i blog so my kids know how i felt about something right after i felt it. maddie is going to be forever grateful for what you are doing on here when she gets older, because i’ll tell you what… you make me “know” Liz. You make me feel the loss of Liz. You make me wish I could have known Liz. These dreams may be the subconscious repression of feelings coming out when you are without the power to repress.
I’m no psychoanalyst, but it might just mean you really really loved her.
She will always there in your dreams Matt. My father is still with me in mine. Hugs my friend.
Matt
Although Liz is not here on earth with you, she lives within you and Maddy!
I truly believe you are making ALL of her dreams come true. You are a wonderful dad!
Stephanie in Texas
Grief is cyclic…some days you bounce back to day one and then another day will not be too bad. Just know that time will help, not heal, but help you make it. You are doing a wonderful job of being a dad. Her picture is beautiful, and her smile tells so much….
My dad passed away late in 07. I wish I could see him in dreams, but he hasn’t come to me in dreams. Though it is painful I think too that Liz is trying to be with you. Even though someone decided it was her time, she too was probably not ready to leave you. Total strangers, me included still choke up when we feel your pain through your words, the pain you feel is unimaginable, yet you are still moving, one foot in front of the other.
Two contrasting anniversaries — Maddy’s birthday and losing Liz — are coming up soon, it makes sense that your brain is trying to deal with it subconsciously in your dreams.
If you are dreaming specifically of Liz, talk to her. Maybe she’s trying to get some kind of message to you, to let you know she’s okay.
I hope these next several weeks aren’t harder on you than they absolutely need to be.
Just stopping by to say that I am thinking of you. There is no possible comprehension about exactly what you are going through, just lots and lots of healing and positive thoughts being sent your way.
You are strong and you will persevere.
You will.
I am very sorry the sadness the dreams bring you it must be so hard. I know how hard dreams can be, I have bad dreams a lot and have for yrs. due to abuse I endured as a child . My husband has had to wake me from them a lot over the yrs. I am so glad you have Maddie to wake up to, that must help so much!!!! I saw you on Rachel Ray it was great! One of my dreams is to help other people who were abused as children as I was. Take Care and God Bless. Dot Kobylak-Ohio
Dreams are a way for the dead to visit and keep in contact with us. Embrace them. Liz is visiting with you and I’m sure Maddie. It may seem odd and uncomforatble, but its a blessing. She’s checking in on you and telling you that you are doing a wonderful job. You’re a great man and a wonderful Father. The ones we love that have passed will also send messages via songs. All of the sudden you’ll be driving along and random song you haven’t heard in decades will come on the radio. Its a message just for you!!
There’s a great book I read that helped me to deal with the passing of my soul mate. It might help you. Its called “We Are Their Heaven” by Allison DuBois
Matt.
I’m so sorry.
It all fucking sucks.
But Liz is so proud of how you’re doing and the incredible job you’re doing with Maddy.
May I share a dream I had about my cousin? He was almost 4 years old when he unexpectedly passed away in 2005. At his funeral we were watching a slideshow of pictures, and one of the two of us came up. I didn’t remember the picture being taken, but when I saw it, I broke down. I had the slideshow organizer email it to me, and I’ve had it framed on my dresser ever since.
Now to the dream: I couldn’t find the picture anywhere. I asked the slideshow organizer about it, and he said he’d deleted it. I was beside myself; furious; tormented – especially because he was so fucking nonchalant about it. He said, “Well, no big deal…we’ll just take another one.” I furiously explained to him that we couldn’t take another one because my cousin was dead.
He shakes his head and hands me the outfit I was wearing in the picture. He calls out and suddenly my cousin comes bursting out of nowhere and running to me…wearing the same outfit from the picture. I cannot tell you how it felt to hold him again. We retook the picture and I spent the rest of the dream with him in my arms. I never wanted to wake up.
We are all here for you and thinking about you. <3
I don’t even know you, but I’m so sad for you. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. I’ve never commented before. I have a 6 month old daughter who is small like Maddie. I wake up at night in a sweat worrying that my husband will die before me and I won’t be able to survive, much less take care of our daughter. A piece of my heart is reserved for you and Maddie; I feel more prepared for the worst, even if it comes 50 years from now, knowing you’ve been able to survive on the love you have for your daughter. It’s all the food and drink I’ll ever need, my love for my girl.
i’m sorry the dreams have been bothering you. i hope they stop, or become better, more positive dreams. i dream of my family who have passed and sometimes the dreams help me remember that they are still in my life, just not here on earth. other times the dreams hurt my heart. just remember you are a great Dad and Madeline and Liz love you very much.
hugs from NJ,
erica and Landon
In my “expert” opinion, I think they come from the holidays coming up and the “anniversary” which I know is closer than you can believe.
dreams are not always a bad thing. although, they do seem to jolt feelings you don’t want to face. I have them alot. I understand. I hate to wake up shaking from dreams at times and it takes FOREVER to get back to sleep. Hang in there. You are stronger than you think. I can see it in your words. Liz is more on your mind lately and you are having to talk about her more and more with all the publicity. It takes time.
i wish nothing but the best for you & your daughter.
my heart aches for you. i have a daughter that was born just a few weeks after madeline. i just couldn’t imagine… hang in there. like everyone says – it just takes time. enjoy that sweet baby. she’s simply adorable.
Matt,
Duncan Sheik is playing at the Echo Plex in LA on the 19th. I don’t know if your into him, but he always manages to lift my spirits.
Hang in there. You have so so many hands reaching out to help you up if you fall.
Heartbreaking.
I wish I had some wisdom to impart, some experience to share but I don’t.
I continue to be amazed at what an awesome person you are – an amazing Dad, husband, talk show guest ; ). I am so glad that I stumbled on to your blog many months ago and I thank you for allowing us to take a peek into to your world.
Huge hugs to you and Maddy from Seattle.
I’ve often thought when I dream of someone who has passed away, that’s them coming to visit me….not knowing what you are dreaming, but maybe it’s her coming for a visit to tell you just how proud she is of you! I’m honored to get to read this tribute….you amaze so many….
I know this is a really hard time for you, and I wish the best for you and Madeline. hang in there..
Hey Matt- A rough week must be going around. I wanted to say hi and let you know I am thinking about you and Maddy. AWESOME appearance on RR the other day!! My husband said, “that’s the shirt he was wearing the night we met up!” I thought the same thing- I think that’s so cool….being yourself. Anyways, I know you’re busy, but I’ll be in the area soon and I’d love to meet up and actually meet Madeline this time. I can email you dates later. May you and Maddy have a restful weekend!!
Time will heal up all the sorrows and pain. By then, you will be able to put a smile on your face everytime you think or dream of her and saying, I am glad I’ve known you and you didn’t just leave me alone, but you left me with such a beautiful girl named Madeline. I hope this helps!
Those dreams are rough. I can recall some really vivid ones after I lost my dad 5 years ago and then my mom and mother in law a year and a half ago. I would wake up just sobbing because the dreams seemed so real. The ones I’d have about my mom were the worst as I remember in my dream trying to explain to her why she had passed away. I would feel so unsettled after waking.
In some ways, those dreams did help me (though I did not know it at the time) as I think it allowed me to process stuff in my sleep that I just could not wrap my head around during my waking hours. In time, it got better and the frequency lessened.
You continue to be such an inspiration to me. The love you shared with Liz was nothing short of beautiful. And all that you do in the wake of her death is such an incredible tribute to her. What you are doing with the foundation is a wonderful thing, and I think she’d be so proud of you.
Hugs to you both.
I wish I had words that could some how wrap arms around you to comfort you (((Matt))), I just wanted to let you know that my heart aches for you and the pain of loss that you must endure. I wish all good things for you and Maddy.
I’m sorry to say that I don’t think time heals all sorrows. That pain and loss will always be there, and you’ll always miss her. But it does get easier, and I’m convinced that Liz is beyond proud of what you and Maddy have done since you last saw her. I hope Maddy enjoys her first Valentine’s Day!
From experience, the second year is worse than year one. I never had any dreams of him, and I always wondered what was wrong with me. Didn’t I love him enough for him to come back to me in my dreams?? It’s been eight years, and believe it or not, today has been a really rough day filled with memories. You are so lucky to have Miss Madeline – she will always brighten your days.
I am sorry that you are going such heartache. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. Even though Liz passed, she left you with the greatest gift of all. I lost my dad in October, and I still talk to him while I am in the car. I think that is okay, because at least he isn’t talking back.
Matt,
This is the first time I have come across your story. First, I will keep you in my prayers. Second, I commend you for taking a horrifying experience and doing something positive with it. You are reaching out to people that may have experienced the same thing as you, and because of that someone is sitting in their own quiet little corner of the world not feeling so alone anymore. Stay strong. Someday that beautiful little girl is going to realize just how lucky she is to have you.
Matt my heart goes out to you, I thank God everyday for the small blessings, I don’t know that the pain of loss ever goes away there are good days and bad days…I have lost many people in my life but never a spouse, so I can’t sit here and say I know exactly what your going through all I can do is pray that you get through the pain of this day, and are able to refocus on the wonderful legacy that Liz has left. If I was in the same situation I don’t know how I would handle it, so you do what you need to do to get through this day….God Bless you
Ok Matt this sounds corny, but this is what I gave my daughter the first Valentines Day without my husband. I bought a photo album with a bunch of hearts on the cover, small one from Old Navy I think. I took a picture of each stuffed animal we had given my daughter. I wrote the story behind each animal, who bought it, how we came up with the name and where we purchased the animal….That is how I got through the Valentine week. I always think of these celebrations as just one day, 12 hours I can cope and I stay away from public places so I don’t have to look at other couples.
my friend, i imagine liz watching you and precious maddy from up above thinking to herself that she must be dreaming when witnessing the great love you have for your daughter. and she is so proud of you.
Wish I had something eloquent, something to ease the pain, or at least help you as you carry this weight…..you’re doing amazing – you’re leaving a legacy for your daughter to read through, you have photos for her to pour over, and you’re doing everything you can to make sure that she doesn’t miss out on a single thing. You’re doing an amazing job – I only hope your heartache eases…she was a beautiful woman- you can see it shine through in Maddy.
Longtime reader of your blog.
It’s easy to see how much she adored you and Madeline. Usually when I dream about someone in my life who has died it comforts me, but not always. It feels so real in the dream, like you can touch them.
It sucks, it hurts, but it will get easier in time. A lot of people are going through what you’re going through. You two are in my thoughts.
Someone trying to talk to you through dreams?? A way to reconnect with loved ones when the “traditional” ways aren’t possible . . . Take care.
On a side note, my fucking DVR for some reason did not record the Rachael Ray show as I had demanded it to. Do you know where I might be able to see your segment??
Hi Matt. I’ve been following your story since the very beginning, but this is the first time posting… My dear mom died 9 years ago. For many years I never dreamt of her at all, but when I got married three years ago she was showing up in my dreams all the time. You will experience the same, Liz will “visit” you in your dreams for an extended period of time and then you won’t see her for months or even years. As previous posters have stated, time does help to heal the wounds of grief. Like Chris Rock said on the subject of grief: you never get over it, you just get used to it…
Even though they make me so incredibly sad, I love to dream of people I miss…because I get to be with them for a short time it seems…
I’m so so sorry that it is painful for you though…and I know it must be. Hug your little Madeline tight and it will be a little better. Enough to make it bearable I hope.
Matt,
I am sending you a big, fat, puffy red robot heart! I believe that dreams are a way to connect with people you have lost. They come to you when you are calm, and relaxed, because that is when they know you can see them. It doesn’t make what you are going through better, when all you truly want is your wife to be here. You are doing so many positive things in her honor, embrace your dreams!
I think that those dreams are Liz’s way to let you know that she is missing you just as much as you miss her and that she is always there for you and Maddy. You and Maddy are always in my thoughts!
If you’re dreaming of her, then that’s her way of visiting you.
I have only had a few dreams about my wife since she passed away two years ago. She had been ill prior to her death, but losing her was still completely unexpected. In every dream we are spending her last day together and I know what is going to happen, but am powerless to stop it. The days after have been among the roughest I’ve had.
There are few people out there who can truly relate to raising a young child alone while working through intense waves of grief. By sharing your experience you are bringing young widowed parents together in ways I never thought possible. You are helping us realize that we are not alone and that we don’t have to try to endure this alone. So while I hate that your dreams are tormenting you, know that by sharing them you are allowing them to help you (and others) work toward healing.
Liz gave life to Maddy’s heart; you must continue to let it grow with your love and Maddy will, in time, help to heal yours. Valentine’s Day sucks for those of us who have lost our loves; I never had a child to fill the void, so I just rely on friends and family to say the I Love Yous; if they can’t ,or don’t ,doesn’t matter; you can feel the memory of it. I wish you Happy Hearts every day, not just on the 14th of Feb. Annie
God bless your love.
YOU ARE AN AMAZING MAN!! YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL. GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE & THOUGH YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND IT NOW YOU WILL SOMEDAY.
TAKE CARE & GOD BLESS.
Today is a bad day for our family too. Jackie passed away on Friday the 13th (June 13th, 2008) So today is Sophia’s 8 month mark. And of course today is the first time she said momma. Does Maddie talk yet? Of course they always learn momma first. How did you feel when Maddy said momma? That is all she was saying all day long. It made my heart break more. I still dream about the day she passed away. I think of every detail the minute I lay in bed. I remember thinking this can’t be happening, she’s be ok.
my brother passed away when I was 13- he was 17. it has been it has been 13 years and I have only had 3 dreams with him since he has died. I pray every night that i will have one, even if all i get to do is see his face it makes me feel better. i always think they are his way of communicating with me?! take one day at a time and i am sorry they are causing your heart to hurt- we send all our love from sd =)
Peace to you…may your dreams become ones that bring you comfort rather than pain.
Dreams are such a curse and a blessing in my mind. They leave you in a constant state of wonder or confusion…like what the hell was that one suppose to mean. She is all you think about and so that is what you will dream…the power of the human brain…what sick tricks it can play.
I mean that face is pretty unforgettable and when you see the mini version everyday I think it would be impossible to dream of anything else. ; ) Thanks for the updates..
Matt,
You are doing such an amazing job. I think I am going to have to come to you for advice when the time comes to have my first baby! Thank you for being honest and for being yourself. You are an incredible father!
Also, I read about a story in the newspaper today that immediately made me think of you – please keep the Carr family in your thoughts… http://lilyanncarr.blogspot.com/ or http://tinyurl.com/bcj7k7.
I will continue to keep you and Madeline in my thoughts. Hang in there, buddy.
My Dad died very suddenly when I was in my 30′s. Many months later I had vivid dreams of him. My Mom said it was Dad’s way of “visiting” me by Spirit, to let me know he was okay and that he approved of certain things I was doing in my life.
I also would SWEAR that I had seen him in a public place. Believe it or not, I was very comforted by these “visits” from Dad.
I often dream of my grandmother who was a close as a mother to me. When awake I remember her in a certain way (probably the years when she was happiest) but in the dreams she is not always that way and it is a shock of reality. I dream very vivid and almost always remember my dreams perfectly. It is like I have a secondary life going on. When I awake from dreams of my gran I am left longing for more. As much as I love the dream I often wake thinking about how much she is missing and how fucking unfair that is. She was 84 when she died and lived a great life. Liz, you and Madeline were cheated of the life you guys should have had together. Sometimes however a few precious memories make their way through in dreams, stuff I had all but forgotten and then I awake remembering those moments so clearly. Sometimes it is hard to separate the reality from the dreams. You will deal with this somehow? Seeing as you are dreaming, does that mean you are now getting more than a few hours of sleep at night? Take Care of your self.
I think all I can offer is a virtual hug. Just keep doing what you’re doing. I think you’re doing a fabulous job.
Try to enjoy the dreams… I know it fucking sucks to wake up without her, but enjoy her in the dreams.
)
I’m sorry. My heart hurts for you. I wish I could make things better. Have comfort in knowing that thousands of people all over the world are thinking of you.
While I was driving home tonight I found myself thinking of all of you, but especially Liz. Honestly since I first heard your story my thoughts are usually about you, Madeline and all those left behind to grieve. But tonight my thoughts were about Liz. My two kids were in the van and we were on our way from a visit with Grandma. As usual the boy fell asleep and my daughter stayed awake; she does this intentionally because she never misses story time. In fact I think I could count on one hand the number of times we haven’t gone through the bedtime ritual. At times I have wished she would fall asleep like her brother so I could just tuck her into bed and gain those few extra moments of personal time to myself. As I reflected on your situation and my great fortune to be here with my kids I made a silent vow to
nevercomplain less about my lack of time to myself and instead soak up these years that go by too fast. I really took my time tonight putting her to bed and was surprised how quickly those 45 minutes went by. Then I came here and read your updated blog and tried to swallow past that lump in my throat that inevitably comes. As much as I have gained by hearing your story and following your journey I wish I didn’t know you – because I know it would mean that Liz would still be in yours and Maddy’s life, and Liz could be the incredible Mommy I know she would have been. Still wish I had super powers that could re-write your history and give her back to you. Although you don’t know me my heart really does go out to you and everyone hurting from such an enormous loss. I hope your dreams give you peace tonight and your “Sunrise” in the morning is as bright as a Liz sized smile.Matt,
I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and Maddy. I hope you know your story means a lot to all of us. I hope you have a better day soon.
I’m so sorry, Matt. I wish I had something more helpful to say, but I don’t. One day at a time and just allow yourself to feel how you feel. She’s visitng you in your dreams so you know she is always with you and Maddy. Sending many hugs, thoughts and prayers your way.
I saw you and your beautiful daughter on Rachael Ray the other day and just was so inspired by you Matt! You are such a strong person… and I do believe you are doing such a wonderful job raising that little girl!
I hope you don’t mind, but I’d like to start following your blog and keep you in my prayers!
=)
Thinking about you.
Matt, I am sorry you are having a shitty time sleeping.
I can’t imagine how hard it is. I’m thinking about you, Liz, and Maddy. ♥ Hang in there.
There’s no time limit on the grieving process. Everybody deals with things in their own way. You’ll find a place, eventually, where the dreams/nightmares won’t be nearly as frequent or disturbing.
Take comfort with your beautiful little Valentine today…and always remember that Liz lives on through her.
Stay strong. You WILL get through this.
Music can pull us back into places that are uncomfortable, familiar but just not the same. Dreams are the same, sometimes welcome, often not.
Take care sir.
oh matt, you make me feel so much, and yet not nearly close to what you feel. i don’t need to tell you that you’re dreaming of her because you love her, you know that. i don’t need to tell you that you’re dreaming of her because you miss her, you know that too. you’re dreaming of her because she is everywhere, still your life, always your love. may you never stop dreaming of her. *sigh* thank you matt, thank you for being you and thank you for sharing you.
Wow. As a married couple sooooo deeply in love for the last ten years, this is really too heartbreaking. Yet, we know we would do the same thing for our son. Take it one second at a time. Liz was your person forever.Madeline is such a gift. You are a wonderful dad. God Bless. Love, Sharon & Billy Blanks Jr.
Liz is so pretty! I’ll bet you’re glad you took so many pictures of her. One thing Madeline will never have to ask is what her mother looked like.
Matt, I truly believe that dreams are a way for the person who passed to connect with us. Every dream has a meaning and is that connection to them or “work” that we aren’t ready to do when we are awake. Don’t wish them away, as hard as it is to not have sleep, they are a gift. Liz is telling you she is still with you and Maddy, always and at all times. When I see some of the photos of Maddy, it looks like she is looking right at someone beside her, I bet that is Liz.
Hey Matt, I just stumbled on your blog. I wanted to let you know that you and Madeline are in my prayers!
Hugs Matt from a creep who has grown to love Maddy and you. I know that the days to come are going to be bittersweet as you celebrate Maddys first birthday and a year without Liz. Many prayers will be going out to you through this difficult time. I pray one day that these dreams and memories will be a comfort.
Matt, you are only a touch over one month away from the happiest day and worst day of your life. Madeline’s birthday is right around the corner. Yes, you have had many milestones since Liz died, but this one has the most meaning. Your feelings are probably coming out in your dreams, where you can’t control yourself from not thinking of them. It is perfectly normal for you to be having great dreams and nightmares all in the same night. I also believe that our loved ones come to us in our dreams, so hold dear to the good ones. They are messages from Liz. She is probably smiling her huge smile and how telling you how amazing you are doing and wishing her baby a happy birthday. It’s those quiet times that you can hear her, embrace the good dreams because they are from her.
(((HUGS)))
And I’m just curious… do you really read every comment?!
Hay Matt
The Dreams that you are having may suck but there there for a reason, yes life throws us Challenges our way and it’s up to us on how we handle them, you and Madeline are doing great and have so much support and prayers , always in our hearts and minds , keep your head up Matt and no one can knock you down , Enjoy your weekend My friend…
BTW U rock Matt and never mind the ass holes who try to bring u down, i say to hell with them..
My robot wanted to tell your robot Happy V-day. Hope it makes you smile.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/29930325@N02/3275502548/
Hey Matt,
I just “met” you and Madeline in People mag, but feel as though I’ve always known you because of your blog. Wish things were different and the way they should be for you guys, but because they are not you and that rad daughter of yours are always on my mind and forever in my heart.
& please take comfort in knowing that you are a fucking amazing dad and still the very best husband!
Take it easy…and just feel the Love~~~
Thinking of you! One foot in front of the other until the days get a little better. I couldnt even begin to imagine your pain. I wish I had something brilliant to say. Just know a lot of people are praying for you and Madi!
hi matt! just wanted to send you and madeline some hugs. hope you two enjoy your 1st valentine’s day together.
So sorry about the rough nights. I think of you and Madeline often since I first started reading your blog last year. My heart and prayers go out to you guys every day. Take it one day at a time. Madeline is lucky to have a dad like you. God bless.
Matt,
You inspire me the way you function everyday….. I lost my daughter 3 weeks ago and am having a hard time functioning…. I think of you and Madeline often. Please come read about my baby girl Avi…. http://www.rememberingavi.blogspot.com
*HUGS* Nothing anyone can say will make this better, it will take time and that is what fuckin sucks……hang in there hun!
Hello MatI
As every one I ran across you on another Blog.
I am a Frozen MN.
Can you belive I am sitting here on V D reading your
blog starting back in begining?
I hope that this comment finds you well on this crappy day.
I will stay up all night reading about you and your daughter because I am weird and have Issues. But I am not a Pedphile. =}
May I ask what you were doing for a living before all this happened to you?
Off to sitting under the electric blanket and reading all night.
It’s either this or a very boring book that I have to read.
So I will read about your story and tomorrow that book.
Thanks
I forgot to add that I just really didn’t want to be the 5th wheel
again at dinner. More so on V D!
So I told every one I was busy and Thanks.
I am busy reading…
Nothing brilliant to add but I’m sorry you are having a rough time. jeez, that sounds ridiculous.. of course you are. I can only imagine how much you miss her and the dreams are your mind keeping her alive. Maddy is so lucky to have you.. dream on my friend!
Just thinking of you & Maddy on this holiday, and sending some love & positivity your way! <3
Everyone has said it better than I ever could have. Just know that we are thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort. I wish there was more I could do. I just absolutely hate that you’re having to go through this at all! It completely and utterly sucks.
Sending *virtual* hugs to you and Maddy… along with hopes for a restful night.
Love and Hugs…..I hope those dreams are just Liz trying to give you a message of love and strength
I hope you had a better or good sleep last night. When I was putting my son to bed, I prayed to God for you to have a good sleep, and I even said to him, I will rather have a crappy sleep myself, so you could have at least one good night. I was up at 3:15am and did not go to sleep until 4am. I know that’s not a bad sleep at all, we all have had worse than that, but in way I want to feel I can contribute to ease you pain, and sacrifice my sleep for yours. I hope God heard my prayers and you and Maddy had a restful and good sleep last night. Take care.
I believe that her being in your dreams is the one way you two are able to connect and “see” one another…gives you some comfort, maybe. Enjoy them, even if they are as painful as hell!
Dear Matt,
I saw your story this past week on the RR show. I’m sorry.
I know what it’s like to loose a spouse because I lost mine less than 2 yrs ago. We were married 30 yrs. It felt like part of me died with him. It’s horrible and the pain is unbearable. I’m still going to therapy but I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, I’ll just get used to it. Time will ease your pain I’m sure. You’re young and you’ll make it thru with your little girl. Holidays and birthdays are pretty tough. Hang in there sweetheart – you’re doing a good job. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you and Madeline.
happy first Valentines day Madeline!
and Matt- I hope your dreams develop into a sort of outlet for you- a healthy beautiful place for you to seek solace.
much love today as always.
-hf
Wow. I first heard about you and Maddy in the issue of People Magazine. I started reading your blog from the beginning while I have down time at work. I have laughed at pictures and been reduced to tears. People probably think I am crazy…Anyway, I think Maddy is beautiful and you are doing a wonderful job. I can’t completely say I know what you are going through, but I had a very close cousin who was killed in a car accident who was more like a sister to me. It has been six years since she left us and sometimes I think I see her somewhere and start to smile at “her”, only to remember that she is no longer here. It gets easier, but there is always a small ache in my heart when things remind me of her.
Hey, Matt. I’ve just discovered your blog, and wow. Your photos and words and soul shine. Maddy is soooooo lucky to have such a cool Dad, and you’re giving her the greatest gift by saving all of these memories and moments. Keep on keeping on. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
Peace,
Linda Oatman High
http://www.lindaoatmanhigh.com
Peace and love my friend – many of us pray for you and Maddy daily.
So – I don’t have any awesome words to lessen your pain, and I can’t tell you that I know what you’re going through. But I think a lot of the previous commentors gave some sound advice by telling you to take it a day at a time. I wanted to tell you that you are an AWESOME DAD – and Madeline is doing beautifully, and if it’s any consolation, she’s bigger than my perfectly healthy 15 month old daughter who weighs 19lbs and is like 25inches.
Hi Matt..saw your story on RR. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I immediatley read your blog..i cried…i laughed…the robot is pretty damn funny! your photos are incredible……but the thing that touched me the most is the awesome relationship with Maddy.
About your dreams…..i’ve been trying to think of something to say (write) to you that might in some small way help….i’m sorry…but i can’t think of a fucking thing!
But..i do want to tell you …Maddy is blessed to have you for her Father. BTW…she is BEAUTIFUL!! (just like her mom)
Matt, it’s been a couple of days. How are you doing?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Hang in there…
Dear Matt,
I’ve never commented before but listening to this
song made me want to say I think you’re beautiful.
If there is indeed a heaven, your beautiful wife must
be so very, very proud.
I hope you see her in your sweetest dream very soon.
I just can’t believe that you never got to say goodbye. It’s just so motherfucking unfair.
Sending love from Australia.
I couldn’t take the not talking to her. It was so hard to see her, be around her, and not be able to speak to her. Dreams are cruel and pleasant in so many different ways at the same time.I still don’t know if it was something more, or just me subconciously thinking about her. I am always willing to talk.
One day at a time. I truly believe that dreams are a way of communicating with your loved ones who have since left us behind. Hang in there…
Matt,
I’ve lost many dear people in my life. People that I’d give my life to just have another minute to hold. I have frequent vivid dreams—often some of those loved ones ‘visit’. I was extremely frustrated at first with the shock of waking up and it not being real. The hardest thing was to come to terms with the fact that it was only a dream. Now I have a different perspective—these are precious moments. Moments that I can share with them even though I don’t have them to hold in real life. These are the moments I tell them how I’m doing, tell them I love them just one more time and have the opportunity to hold them again—real or not. I think eventually these dreams won’t consume your life, but will be moments to look forward to—to just have that connection with that person you miss so much your heart breaks in two. Hang in there—She’s still with you and Maddy. You two have a connection that can never be broken…even by death. You’re in my thoughts and prayers always.
Matt,
I truly believe from experience that those dreams are gifts. Coping with them over time improves, but there’s a connection the two of you have that can’t be separated even by death. I have lost several close loved ones in my life. I look forward to going to sleep at night to have the chance to hold that person, kiss that person, tell them how much I’ve missed them since they’ve been gone, and to tell them I love them just one more time. The shock of waking up from those vivid dreams is unbearable sometimes, but I’ve learned to cope. I seize those precious moments, real or not, for what they are—small gifts of time given back to me in a situation that otherwise would be impossible. Appreciate each moment you get with her…
As always, you and Maddy are in my prayers.
I started reading your blog after seeing you on RR last week. I sit here reading through tears alot of the time. This blog is such an amazing love letter to Liz & to Maddy. She is beautiful (so was her Mom) and you are an awesome Dad. I hope the dreams get better, or that at some point you are able to find peace in them.
I’ve read that dreams where the deceased are trying to connect with you from the other side can be very vivid and memorable. I don’t know what you believe about Liz’s death, but this could very well be the case. She may be sending you some sort of message…like the fact that she’s proud of you.
The best thing to do is write down the dream before you even get out of bed. In time, you usually gain a lot from re-reading them in the future.
I’ve had many premonition dreams that freak the shit out of me. Whenever I have a vivid, memorable dream, I write it down and it’s so freaky when I find that it was actually telling me something a few weeks later.
You may want to try it. It may help…it may not. But, it’s worth a try.
Huge hugs to you…I’m sure that it is very difficult for you.
After my Grandfather died, I had alot of very vivid, unsettling dreams. I remember trying to talk about it, and one of my relatives shrugged it off and said, “Your loved ones just visit you in your dreams, cause they know you’d freak out if they did it while you were awake.” It put a light spin on things and made me laugh, but made alot of crazy sense at the same time. I just recently lost my Father and my Grandmother in the same month (Father died January 7th, Grandmother died January 20th), and since then have also had very vivid dreams about them as well… but this time, I try to focus on their features, the sounds of their voices… so I have something to hang onto when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes, (not all of the time) but sometimes, it helps make the days a little easier.
Next time you dream about her… try to focus on what she is trying to tell you. It sounds crazy, but it might bring you a lot of long over due inner peace. I hope you feel better. My thoughts are always with you and Madeline.
PS- This blog has brought me alot of solace since the deaths. Everytime I feel like I can’t go on, and that it hurts so much… I get on here and your strength, your courage inspires me. You’ve unknowingly helped me fill a tremendous void that’s recently developed in my life.
hi Matt, I read your story with maddy and Liz on my local newspaper…its really touch my heart, because we have same story…but I lost my baby after he’s born, and u must lost your wife after your baby born…
I think God have a really best plan for you and whole your live with you baby…
Just believe, Liz always shining you both from heaven
God Bless U both
Your more recent endeavors have been such active celebrations of Liz and your life together. I’m not surprised that your subconscious is finding it difficult to hit the off switch.
That’s the clinical response…wouldn’t it be amazing if your other readers are correct and Liz is visiting you to offer her thanks and support!
sending my heartfelt wishes to you matt, from the philippines!
you’re lucky to have each other.
you are one great dad, madeline is luck to have you
Hi matt..
) n i believe she must be proud to have dad like you.
)
im dida from indonesia..i know about ur blog from our local newspaper then i open n read it..thanks for sharing ur story to us, u have a beautiful n cute daughter with sweet smile ( like her mom -> mm i think u will be harder to take care of her wen she teenager coz many boys will chasing her
Death will come to us n it wont tell us the time, it can be now, a day again even a second again..so now we just have to pray for her there and continues life..( be strong for ur maddy
U know what..I love all ur pic, i think its incredible..so cool..all of it..
You and Maddy like travelling ya, sometime u have to visit Indonesia, its beautiful country ( im promotion hehe )
send my regards to ur cute princess
Dear Matt & Maddie,
I have spent hours this morning reading your heartfelt, raw and candid thoughts and emotions online. My daughter was born March 24th 2007, I was thirty years old…it was the greatest joy in my life. I am so sorry that your heart aches for the loss of your beautiful wife. I am so sorry that Maddie will not feel the touch of her mother or hear her voice sing to her. Your strength and devotion are evident and for that your wife would be proud! I’ll think of you and Maddie as we celebrate my daughter’s birthday and Maddie’s 1st! Peace~ Liz
I saw you on Rachel Ray and I wanted to stop by to see how you are doing. I am not sure what you believe in or this was already posted, but my dreams have meanings. My dreams sometimes leave messages or even a peace of mind. Sometimes people enter my dreams who have already past on and wanted to leave me a message. What ever the case is, they suck sometimes, but sometimes they are heartfelt. Anyway, I am sure you are doing an awesome job in taking care of your lil one…she is gorgeous!
I had alot of dreams about my Father, about a year after he died unexpectedly. They for the most part have stopped, however (51/2 years later) I do still have a dream with him in it, but now it is no different than my dreams that have people from high school, or distant family members I never see. I’m sure yours will get better.
I lost my first love to brain cancer almost 12 years ago. I dreamt of him every night for years. It was very hard to wake up and realize once again, that he was gone. It was torturous. The dreams got fewer and further between as the years went by. Now I welcome those dreams. It’s not torture anymore, it’s nice to see him again.
Look Matt, it’s very hard to say anything about your situation, since I have not been in your shoes. I’m a longtime reader, and really admire you for going at this alone, Liz must be soo proud of you, and the job your doing!
I know it must be soo sad, but I would interpret the dreams as Liz being there for you and Maddy, cheering you on and being there for moral support!
You have a beautiful family!
Hi Matt! I know what you mean by keeping you busy!! My 11 month old is into everything! Just wanted to say thank you for sharing yourself with the world! If you ever want a get away to Yosemite, you are welcome in our guest cottage! My daughter, Juniper could us a playmate. There is only one other baby here (in our 650 people town) and he is a boy and pretty rough! I know it is weird to get offers from strangers but i think you and my husband would love going and taking photos together. Take care! Erica and Juniper
i lost someone i loved in a plane crash, never saw it coming and it was very hard to get over. i was pissed that he was taken from me. i never had a dream of him, but i swear his voice woke me up one morning last year. i heard a man’s voice call my name, clear as day, and i woke straight up thinking it was my husband, only to find the room empty. it wasn’t connected to my dream, just someone calling my name. i like to think it was him just letting me know he was there and ok, sounds corny, but it made me feel better. i did have dreams, lots of them, after my grandfather died and i didn’t get to tell him goodbye. they were weird dreams of him and i couldn’t ever catch him to talk to him, they were horrible and i hated having them. i finally had one good one with him and i finally was able rest. i can’t imagine the pain you are going through but know there are lots of people out here praying for you and your little girl.
Dreams are mysterious. They come and go — I’d have welcomed more in the early days although there’s only one which I really remembered.
Thinking about her all the time is something you’ll have to learn to master, because it’s not going to go away. And in the long run, I think that’s good news, actually, since you wouldn’t want to forget, even if remembering less than a thousand times an hour might help you get more done.
Spirits up.
I wanted to thank you for your site and the foundation. My 39 year old aunt has been the ICU at Altru Hospital in Grand Forks, ND since Friday, fighting for her life after a clot in her lung. All of this waiting is so hard for everyone. I get mad, I cry, and I read your story. Donating to Liz’s Foundation gave me a purpose after feeling so helpless, and I needed that. Thanks again, and I’ll see you again on the 7th of next month.
Matt, I first heard your story on Rachel Ray. I felt like i needed to reach out to you for some reason(which alot of people do ) when I saw you, I could almost feel pain in my heart. I am sensitive to the spiritual world in certain ways. my husband and i are the same age as u and liZ was, I have an 8 month old girl born June 13 2008, few months after Maddy. When I read about your dreams, I feel I need you to know that those dreams are happening for a reason. Its not only a part of the grieving process, but LiZ may be trying to connect with you. I uderstand its upsetting , but this is Something very important. I hope you dont think im crazy. i would love to be able to explain more, but this is very private. and I would like to be able to help give you some peace., this is still very raw right now for you. You are on this earth Raising Maddy for a reason. And liz is right there beside the both of you. And you need to know that, she is so very proud. You Are Heart and soul Matt always know that.!
My advice to you Matt is the only thing that will help you is u have to get all the grieving out of your system before it will get any better so the people that are telling you it takes time are right. i lost several children at birth and it has been 21 and 18 years since they left me . It does get easier but you never forget. I still cry for them on there birthdays.