feb. 9
to
feb. 13.
we did nothing.
i went to
work, she went
to daycare.
but the nights,
the nights were
spent hanging out
together, just daughter
and father.
no friends.
no family.
no camera.
just music.
and books.
and toys.
and fun.
and laughter.
and frozen indian food.
and pureed fruits
& vegetables.
and sleep.
there was not
a night that
i didn’t go to
sleep before 10:00pm.
sometimes it was
earlier, but
never later.
one night madeline
did not want
to go to sleep
and there was
no way i could
keep my eyes
open, so i sat
her on the couch
and laid on her
legs, to keep her
in place.
that worked for
20 minutes,
which was all the
nap i needed.
saturday.
feb. 14.
fuck valentine’s day.
today we
met up with a
couple of strangers friends,
erin & chelsea
from the nc.
met up for some
tea at a coffee
shop in my neighborhood,
stopped for a
few photos with
the robot
then took them
on a tour of
the city.
we spent a
little time in
the bh, trying to
track down some
chocolate bars with
bacon, but we
were unable to
procure them.
(erin would later track them down via the interweb and send a few my way…thank you, erin!).
dropped them off
at their hotel
and maddy and
i drove up to the
house of gentle ben
and his family.
the lovely dana
cooked up some
amazing food
and we all ate
while the kids
made noise.
john and heather
arrived late
and we all watched
old cartoons and
talked while
the little ones
passed out.
peter and eileen
left early
(as usual)
and this night,
maddy and i
weren’t too far behind.
my eyes just can’t
stay open as
long as they
once could.
we drove home,
and as maddy
slept, i thought
about last valentine’s day.
i think
liz
had just started
bed rest,
or maybe she was
to start soon after,
it doesn’t really matter.
i remember that
we were both
unwilling to do anything
that evening.
and i remember
that i was
too busy to go
get her the gift
i wanted to pick up
for her,
(jewelry to replace the shit stolen from our house in january)
so instead,
before leaving work
i printed out the
screen shot of the
thing i was
going to give her
and gave her the
stupid piece of
paper with a
note that said,
“i ♥ you”
a year ago,
no,
a lifetime ago.
double fuck.
sunday.
feb. 15.
another visit from
a stranger friend.
this time, diane l.
came to visit
to talk about death.
yes.
you read that right.
she came to
talk to me about death.
and it was great.
she’s taking a class
at a local university,
and the central
theme is death.
she was tasked with
meeting someone
who has lost someone.
when she contacted
me a few weeks
earlier, i jumped at
the opportunity to
chat with her.
why?
well…sometimes it’s nice
to talk to a
complete stranger about
this shit.
when she arrived,
she got a
photo with the robot
we had a great
conversation, though i
did most of
the talking
(sorry, diane).
reliving some of
this is tough, but
it was absolutely necesarry
for me,
and i am forever
indebted to my
new friend for
her willingness to
listen to me while
i talked about
the most awful
day of my life.
we said goodbye
to diane…
i was exhausted after
our conversation,
so maddy and i
took a long,
long nap.
that night we
played together
on the floor,
composing songs that
no one will ever hear.
monday,
feb 16.
a day off of
work, thanks to
our former presidents.
spent the morning
playing with maddy
and later,
drinking saffron tea
and talking with
our old friend, marie h.
haven’t seen her since
liz’s
service in pasadena
and before that,
maybe 13 years
since our last conversation.
it was great to
catch up with
her and we
promised to do
it again soon.
that afternoon,
i took my two favorite
things on a little trip.
the bob ross
painting was going to
be framed…can’t
wait to get it back.
we drove home
and saw this:
then maddy spent
the night playing
while i did
a little writing.
it’s weird to
not be traveling.
tuesday.
feb. 17.
back to work
and daycare.
before leaving
we took advantage
of the sunshine
and got a few
photos in
and maddy played
the piano.
early to bed
on the 17th.
just couldn’t deal
with evening.
thankfully my
child likes to sleep.
feb. 18,
wednesday already.
went to dinner with
creepy kate and
her family,
opting for some
polish food in the
restaurant in my neighborhood.
maddy stared at
the lights
while we talked
about things.
went home and
fell asleep
on the couch at
9:00 even though
i had a
lot of work
to do tonight.
it will have
to wait until tomorrow.
feb. 19
the day was spent
working and
getting reacquainted with
some records i
haven’t heard in awhile.
one song in particular
played over and
over again,
while i played
with maddy,
because it reminded
me of
liz.
she fell in love
with that song
when we saw
crooked fingers open
up for wilco
when i first moved to
los angeles.
i realized that
i left chicago
for los angeles almost
exactly seven
years ago to the day.
and then i remembered
another time that
liz
got pissed at me.
she wasn’t
robot pissed this time,
but she wasn’t
happy with my decision.
in the days before
i left chicago
i decided that i wanted
to get something
as a souvenir that
would remind me of
my time there.
i stumbled into
a record store one
afternoon and saw
a sign that
would solve my problem.
“original artwork by wesley willis.”
holy fuck.
this guy was a
legend in chicago
and no matter what
the cost,
i needed some of
his artwork.
so i used the last
$50 i had
on my credit card
to buy my
first piece of original artwork.
based on the
low, low price,
i assumed the art
would be on a
small canvas or something.
no.
it was on a
giant piece of tagboard.
it was huge.
and it was awesome.
i knew that
liz
wouldn’t be pleased.
she didn’t like
the music of wesley willis
and she certainly
wouldn’t like that
i used my remaining
credit to buy
this damn thing.
i sort of planned
on hiding it from
her until i had a job,
then yelling something like,
“surprise! look at the stupid fucking decision i made with the only money i had in the world! pretty funny now that i have a job, right?”
but how does one
hide something
this big?
shit.
i decided the best
thing to do was
to tell her i
only paid $10
for it.
(brilliant plan, i know).
so after driving
from chicago
to los angeles,
excited to be
moving into a
one-bedroom apartment
with the lady
of my dreams…
after giving her a
hug and a kiss,
i said,
“look at what i bought!”
“what is it and how much was it?”
“it’s original artwork by wesley willis and it was only $10!”
“you spent $10 on a bic-pen drawing on a piece of tagboard?”
“yeah…isn’t awesome?”
“no. it isn’t awesome. and it’s not coming inside.”
we obviously didn’t
have the same
idea about what
real art is.
when i finally
got a job
and started making
some money,
i told her the actual
cost of the art.
she just shook
her head.
eventually she became
okay with my
decision, even giving
me the option of
a new computer or
getting the wesley willis
original artwork framed
for my birthday
one year.
(i chose the computer)
and when we moved
into our second
apartment, she even
felt bad for me
after the cable guy
accidentally drilled a
hole through the artwork,
though i told her
it was karmic retribution
for my little white lie.
she agreed.
i wouldn’t lie
to her again until
i bought the robot.
whoa.
that was quite
a diversion.
but that’s
that happens when
i hear certain songs,
and tonight,
"the rotting strip" by crooked fingers)
transported me back
to 2002.
it was nice to
be back there,
if only for a
short time,
and only in my mind.
it’s all
i’ve got left.
i spent the night
trying to write,
but i was distracted
by things.
went to bed
at 4:00am tonight.
not good.
feb. 20th.
morning came way
too early,
with maddy waking
up at 5:30am.
i was not ready
to wake up,
but it didn’t
matter because
she was.
going back to
sleep is not an option.
instead we got
up and got ready
for the day.
work and daycare
were done
by 3:30 this day
and tonight
it was time to relax.
ordered some thai
food and spent
the evening playing
some records for maddy.
the early morning
led to an
early evening.
Feb 21st
woke up early
again and got
ready for the day.
then we did something
i really miss doing
when we’re off on
our adventures…
strapped maddy into her
stroller and we walked
down the hill
to the new
bakery/coffee shop
in our neighborhood.
had a spam
and egg sandwich
with a cup
of tea.
haven’t had spam
since my last
trip to hawaii with
liz.
maddy, sitting in
the high chair,
made a quick move
for some of the
egg and nailed her
forehead on the
edge of the table.
she screamed,
everyone stared.
the old lady glared.
i turned bright red.
it sucked.
but within a minute,
maddy was
back to normal,
smiling and laughing.
in the afternoon
we did a
little shopping.
i bought a few records
that we spent
the evening listening to.
maddy feel asleep
pretty early, so
after a short nap,
i started watching
she woke up about
5 minutes into
the movie,
just as the little
canoe made its
way to the river.
it’s been over
20 years since
i last saw this movie,
but i remember it
like it
was yesterday.
maddy stared at
the screen
and seemed to
love the music.
feb. 22nd.
sunday.
started our day
exactly the same
way as
we did on saturday,
though this time
maddy didn’t
hit her head on
the table at
the coffee shop.
then it was off
to auntie anya’s
house for maddy.
i had a bunch of
stuff to do,
plus they haven’t
spent any alone
time together in
a long time.
i had grand plans
for my 4 hours of
alone time.
clean the house.
get some writing done.
pay some bills.
go grocery shopping.
instead?
i slept.
the entire time.
i really, really needed
to get some stuff done,
but i also
really, really needed
the sleep.
though after a
year of
not sleeping,
there is little chance
that i will ever
catch up.
i picked madeline up
after my long
nap then met up
with creepy christa,
& husband, and
creepy kate & son.
went to a place
in burbank,
just a few blocks
from where
liz
used to work.
this was a place
we’d hit every few
weeks, especially when we
wanted to avoid
the traffic home.
i’ve been here
a few times
since she died,
so it’s not so
hard to go in anymore.
maddy chewed on
some crayons
and we laughed.
dinner was great,
but it was time
to go home
and get working on
some of the things
i was supposed
to accomplish while
maddy was with
auntie anya.
i put her on
the living room
floor while i
did the dishes
that have been
piling up over the
past few days
something caught my eye…
it was madeline,
and she was
on her hands and
knees, crawling for
real, for the first time.
for the past two
or so months,
she has been
dragging her legs
behind her, pulling
herself around
with just her arms.
it was funny and
sad because it
looked like she
had two broken legs.
but now…
oh shit.
she’s truly mobile now.
this is not good.
now everything has
to be baby proofed.
double shit.
when she caught
my eye she was
already in
the dining room,
heading toward
the kitchen.
i yelled,
“holy shit! you’re really crawling!”
(i kinda hope “shit” is not her first word)
she looked so
proud when i
gave her the attention.
she made it
all the way to me,
so instead of
finishing up
the dishes,
i picked her up,
brought her back
to the living room
and made her
demonstrate her
new-found abilities over
and over again.
i watched as
madeline
made the transition
from baby to
little girl.
i laughed as
she got
into everything,
pulling dvds and cds
off of the shelves,
making sure that
everything on the
coffee table somehow
ended up on the floor.
i can’t believe
i’m so happy
that she’s tearing
up my house
(and this is just the beginning),
but it’s been
one hell of a
journey to get
to this point.
i just hate
doing it alone.
feb. 23rd.
monday.
another week
further away
another week closer.
today i got
a snuggie from
the people
i used to manage
(i just started a new role at work and this was a good-riddance gift from my former team).
that’s all that
happened today.
seriously.
maddy and i
went to bed
really early.
what i want to
know is,
when the hell will
i be back to normal?
when will i
be able to stay up
past 10:00 again?
february 24.
tuesday
madeline was born
11 months ago today.
holy crap.
she’s almost a year old.
got her dressed
and took a couple
of photos before
heading off for
the morning.
i got to work
and got a
message from auntie
angel fan…
“dinner tonight?”
yes.
we have no plans
and we need
to celebrate this day.
so after work
we met up at
a place near our house.
maddy ate some
mac and cheese
and diane and
i talked about
the past.
the memories have
been flooding
back for both of
us, and that’s
not necessarily
a good thing.
we talked about
next month and
what that will
mean to everyone
who knew
liz.
madeline and i
will be back in
mexico with the
colianni family,
back in that spot that
we all planned
to go to
together.
diane agreed that
getting out of
town was the best
thing for us.
then we went
to get some dessert
(that makes everyone feel better, right?).
madeline was asleep
when we got home.
i transferred her
from carseat to playpen,
and i went to
sit on the couch
listening to this.
that night,
i,
for the first time,
felt a little guilty
for taking away
from everyone
the medicine
that we all need
so much
on march 25th.
fuck.
but diane’s right…
maddy and i
need to do this.
and we will
be sure to
take care of everyone
else when we
get back.
i promise.
but on that day…
we must be away.
193 Comments
Doing nothing but hanging out….. that’s the best!
Hi Matt,
I’ve been reading your blog for about 6 months now, ever since I first heard about it. Even though I’ve been so touched by your words and photos, I’ve never commented because I know you get hundreds of emails and responses a day. But now I’m a Twitter follower as well and seeing you tweet the new post, can’t resist the chance to be one of, if not the first, person to comment on the new post! Hoping to run into you and Maddy around Calhoun some day -
Don’t sweat not being around on the 25th. If you were here, I think all of your family and pals, both new and old, would kick your ass down to Mexico anyway.
See ya when you get back!
Matt- thank you for sharing those memories with us. Madeline is growing into such an adorable toddler!
Wow, too cool. Crooked Fingers’ Rotting Strip is a song from a specific time in my life, inextricably connected to someone I cared for very much.
I’ve seen him perform live and it’s great (he does an AMAZING cover of Queen’s “Under Pressure”!). I have tickets to his show with Neko Case in April in Minneapolis, and I’m so excited to see him again, probably more so than Neko, because I saw her a few times last year as it was.
(Okay, if we can’t agree on The Hold Steady, can you at least agree that Ray Lamontagne (sp?) is unlistenable????)
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
So is Maddy.
Three things:
1. I remember going to bed really early for a very long time when my toddler was on a “wake-up early” schedule. 5:30 was a regular wake-up time for him, and 10pm was a regular sleeping time. I can totally relate. But know that it won’t last too much longer.
2. I’m really hopeful that the 1-year anniversary isn’t as painful as it appears it’s going to be. You’ve been through so much pain already…
3. On a positive note, you do realize that you could take that robot all over the country and charge people to take pictures with it. It could be a whole other means of income!
Ohhhh Matt….I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you are over 30 and have a child, staying up past 10pm only gets harder! Fuck, we’re lucky if we can keep our eyes open past 9!
Now that she’s mobile, life is definitely going to change, my friend.
It fills me with hope to see that even amidst your sorrow, you’re able to celebrate these joys with Maddy. You’re a fine example for us all.
still readin’. sending so much love your way.
She is just so beautiful Matt.
you keep doing what you gotta do matt. you know what is best for you and maddy. loving all the new pics of her. she’s just so very pretty. and i wonder where she gets that from….
keep hanging in there matt.
I think everyone that knows you is glad you’re gettin’ the hell outta Dodge. And with AJ, et. al.! SUPER-awesome.
p.s. Ev is REALLY excited to have been included in your blog.
p.p.s. That pen & ink Chicago drawing is FUCKING AWESOME!
Madeline has the most gorgeous blue eyes I have ever seen… and your photos are amazing.
I don’t know what else to say except that she is so beautiful!
Wow, I’m the first to comment- that never happens! I agree with you it is probably best to get away. Sometimes you can’t think about others, you have to put yourself first! I’m not sure you’ll ever catch up on sleep, but sounds like your habits are improving!
Maddy is such a doll, I can’t believe she’s crawling! Thanks for sharing the cute pics and the great post!
Your Snuggie makes you look as if you could lead a group of people to drink a “magical” juice.
Madeline could wear whatever she wanted, and she’d look nothing but cute!
1st- thanks for the music hookup.
2nd- holy hell, I died laughing at the picture of you with the Snuggie on. You look like Jesus.
Praise be to you!
Maddy has the BEST smile! (and the prettiest blue eyes!)
a busy week. Maddy crawling is an awesome thing, but I have to ask why there is no video of it mister? I want to see the crawling!! you’re right you do need to get away. It’s more important that you and Maddy have this time.
hugs from NJ
erica and Landon
OMG.
You look like Jesus in that Snuggie.
Time away will be good for you and for Maddy. She, as a baby , cannot verbalize what she feels, but someday she will be able to. It’s good to give her a little time of her own with you in what will always be a difficult time..
Just my $.02
My friends have a snuggie and they named it Slevie Wonder
I LMAO at your “Liz was not robot pissed” comment. I also had to chuckle about you hoping Maddy’s first word isn’t shit. Thank goodness my 5 y/o didn’t curse her first word. We’re still waiting on the little one (who’s only a week older than Maddy). You’re doing a FABULOUS job Matt. Good job getting the rest I’m sure you needed. It’s always nice to have some recharge time. I hope that you and Maddy have some quality time in Mexico…no matter what you do.
I laughed out loud at “when will I be able to stay up past 10:00 p.m.” I feel the same way! I think it comes with being a parent!
Maddy is the cutest little girl ever!! I love her facial expressions and gorgeous blue eyes….and her smile melts my heart! She has the most adorable outfits too!! I love your Liz stories…they make me smile…..Ya know? this blog will be something awesome for Maddy to look back on and see all your thoughts and memories. Still reading
Keep on blogging!
Love, Mere
I have never commented before…but I have read your blog since Liz died. You could say that I am definitely a lurker
I want you to know that I am so very proud of you Matt. You are a great daddy…and the happiness in your child’s eyes is proof of that.
have you read “the year of magical thinking?” by Joan Didion?
she addresses the time-warp our memories take us through when grieving in a beautiful way. I’ve read it twice now. once before a major loss and immediately afterward.
your mind just takes you away sometimes to memories of a time forever ago.
Hurray for being almost caught up! Nice to hear you are getting some sleep – I hate to break it to you man but – you are getting older – you might not be able to stay up all night long like the rock star you once were – oh wait – that’s me that has that problem…
I hope the guilty feeling has passed – you have to do what’s best for you and Madeline ~ We’ll wrestle the grandparents for her next month!
That one close-up, looks so much like Liz in pictures.
Crawling….wow. Get ready:)
Maddy is such a little stunner, I love the ’staring’ photo of her, she is so beautiful. And try not to feel guilty Matt, if getting away on the 25th is what you feel you need to do, then that’s what you should do. I’m sure everyone who matters will understand. Stay strong, you have done an awesome job so far. Give that gorgeous little girl a kiss from me xxx
Oh and congrats to Maddy on her crawling….there’s no stopping her now!!!
ummm…that snuggie makes you look like Jesus. Haha. fucking awesome.
I think you leaving town is a great idea. You do whats best for you and Maddy.
Good for you for doing what you & Maddy need to do this month, no guilty feelings at all. You need to keep taking care of yourself so you can keep doing such an awesome job taking care of her! Liz will be smiling wherever you are.
It only gets harder to stay up past 10:00. Good luck with that one!
Madeline is growing up and looking beautiful as always! Keep up the good work!
i think it sounds like you have a great plan for the 25th, and I am glad you are being selfish, you deserve it! noone can blame you for needing to be away! you take care, take great photos, and just enjoy maddy! I can not believe she is crawling!
woo-hoo for crawling! and honestly … childproofing is just giving yourself a delay before they figure out how to get into whatever it is you were trying to keep them out of … we realized that pretty quick.
she is absolutely beautiful … and your daddy/daughter relationship is testament to the fact that you need to just do what is right for the two of you. everyone else can deal.
thinking of you from mpls.
Oh wow…Madeline is mobile. Watch out world!
Kids exhaust you. Even when someone doesn’t have the emotional upheaval you have had, a small one will drain every last bit of your energy. Combine that with the emotional aspect of your life and its no small wonder that you are falling asleep early.
Take care of yourself on the 25th. We’ll all be here when you get back.
Diane is right! You guys need to do this for you two! Enjoyed reading your entry tonight! I can’t believe she’s crawling now! And to answer your question, about being able to stay up past 10pm anymore!! NOPE Ain’t gonna happen! LOL I hope that Maddy is feeling better and that you two have a safe, wonderful and happy trip!
Paddle to the Sea! Holy crap, I totally remember watching that movie (on film strip perhaps?) in like 4th grade.
For your future reference—you can buy chocolate bars with bacon at Surfa’s (kitchen supply store) in Culver City. It’s an excellent store with an excellent cafe. I’d love to get together with you guys again soon!
If it were me, I’d get away sure as hell on the 25th, so I don’t blame you at all.
And Maddy’s crawling now? I can’t believe she’s nearly a year old.
Matt I have been reading your blogs everyday (well every other other day since it seems like cathcing up is a pain in the ass) and I want you to know that this month march is going to be as tough as nails but just know that you do not mourn alone. All you family, friends, and strangers will be mourning with you. I know you will never be “normal again” but who is really “normal” it is life and it fucking sucks but on the bright side you have Maddy and most people can’t even say that. I want to thank you for sharing your story with us and if you ever need someone to talk to I am always available to a stranger. Thank you for all you do and who you are
Aww, I just love the pictures of Maddy. She is beyond adorable! I grin everytime she appears on my screen!
Congrats on the crawling! Isn’t that an amazing milestone? Babyproofing is a pain, but it really is a godsend.
I’m glad you are doing what you feel is best for you and Maddy during what’s going to be an incredibly difficult anniversary. You need to find a way to get through this – everyone will surely understand.
I hope you will let us know if you’re ever in the VA area – my husband and I would love to treat you to dinner. And I know my son would adore Maddy – he’s just a couple months older than her. They’d tear the restaurant to the ground… and have a blast doing it!
*smiling* I love all the pics. she’s so cute.
*Hugs and love to you and precious maddy*
hanging out just the 2 of you has to be great fun. i remember doing that after my 1st husband left me. just me and michaela. (when my dad was working 2 jobs) it was always nice just the 2 of us without a care in the world.
as for being away on the 25th, you do what you need to do. everyone else will work themselves out.
Matt, Shit wasn’t my daughter’s first word but none the less her first “bad” word LOL
That’s great that you and Maddy will be heading to Mexico to celebrate Maddy’s big first birthday! Can’t wait to hear all about that trip and see the great pics you take! Maddy is GORGEOUS! Keep doing what you’re doing…and enjoy every minute of every day w/ Miss Maddy! XO
Make sure you buy the outlet covers if you haven’t already! I put mine in before they were even out of the womb! My mother-in-law told me about my brother-in-law sticking a coin in the outlet and elctricuting (is that how you spell it?) himself. I’m sure you probably already have that covered, but just in case. : )
The world understands how grief can take your breath away. Enjoy your time away with that beautiful angel–Maddy. Thank you so much for sharing yourself, Liz, and Maddy.
Blessings always.
the snuggly picture is the BOMB. i would have to say it is one of my favorite in the past year. for a moment, i thought i saw an effing short haired Jesus…omg. i am still chuckling. the pictures of maddi are adorable as always but i absolutely LOVE her video!!!
two things:
one, in the photo with diane l., is the robot eating a pudding cup?
and two, i have to say that my kids have that schoenhut piano in red, and i swear to you, it seems like madeline plays with hers more than the three of my kids combined have ever played with theirs. i’m betting on some musical talent.
Hey Matt – I know you get a lot of comments, but I want to say I am sending you strong thoughts and hugs, because I know this month must be hard. You are such a great dad, you can see it in her eyes. I saw you will be in Mexico again, I agree that is probably a helpful thing. We will be there too with my boys (6 and 3) in Cancun area at the same time. Stay strong Matt. — Wendy (@NifaresPR)
Maddy is one of the most beautiful little girls I have ever seen. I am so glad you are getting away on the 25th. Whatever you can do to lessen the pain. My heart hurts for you everyday.
Sleep is good for the soul. With all of the traveling and obligations that you manage, rest is definitely required.
I hope you and Madeline have a memorable and healing trip to Mexico and that everyone understands the need for you to get away to be with your number one girl. She really is so beautiful.
I have been following you since your star trib article and
you both have come along way. YOU are beyond awesome.
Hang in there and try to have some peace in Mexico with your sweet girl. I know it will be a difficult time.
FYI, you can get the chocolate bacon candy bars at Surfas in Culver City.
Three things Matt:
1. Maddy is especially adorable. Bravo.
2. Favorite Wesley Willis song? Mine is a tie between, “Al Capone” and “I kicked Batman’s Ass.”
3. Snuggie, greatest invention ever!
I enjoy reading your blog, thank you so much for sharing.
i hope you are able to avoid the spring break crowds in mexico…have an awesome time.
Thanks for bringing us up to speed. I think it’s good that you are catching up on rest – all those months of living on little to no sleep are catching up with you.
I think getting away is a perfect idea. Try not to feel guilty. You need to do what is best for you so that you can cope on that day. Your friends & family will all understand. They want you to do what is best for you, too, I am sure.
By the way, I bought the J. Tillman CD and am hooked – thanks for bringing that artist to my attention. Maybe down the road, “For the Love of Liz” will get so big, you’ll have your own version of the Cities 97 Sampler & you can feature artists like that that aren’t mainstream.
Wow is she beautiful in the photos! She is getting so big. Her eyes are amazing!
I had to laugh when you worried about her first word. My first word was “sh*t” and I practiced it many, many times in the restaurant when I first said it. It now makes a great story and my parents love to tell how they had to start watching their language! Maddie would not be the only child to have that as her first word and I think that we turn out OK
Enjoy your trip and take the time that you need for you and Maddie. We will be here when you get back
I feel like a caller on a radio show: “Long time listener, first time caller.”
Long time reader, first time commenter (I think!) Echoing the choruses of “hell yeah, get outta Dodge!”
Also the “Oh are you in for it now with little miss mobile Maddy!” and “Hah, staying up past 10pm? What’s that?” coming from all the experienced parents. My youngest is 12 and I can finally – sometimes – stay up reading until 11pm because he has a later start for school :->
You are wonderful sharing everything the way you do.
Getting away will be good. Maddy is adorable!!
I have the same fear with the “f” bomb that you have with the four letter “s” word. I pray that E’s first four letter word starting with “f” is not my favorite swear word.
Don’t worry about the cussing…I think my son, Bennett, was 4 yrs old before he realized his first name wasn’t “dammit” and he’s turned out ok…besides her first word will surely be “dada”
I had no idea Wesley Willis was an artist as well as a musician! Nice. “Cut the Mullet” is a classic.
The Snuggie is going to come in handy with all those naps you’ve been taking! Have you seen the Snuggie Parody on youtube? Hilarious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y
Maddy is beautiful. Love those blue eyes.
Take care -
Even though it just geography and I am sure you will be thinking the same thoughts (which I can’t even phathom) whether you are in CA or Mexico, I hope you have a good time!
One year old Big Girl! Yeah!!!
She is a doll, Ya look out buddy. She will be so freakin mobile soon. The fun is about to begin, I seriously mean that in a GOOD way! After walking comes words, soon you two will connect in verbal language. It is so cool.
Great post Matt!! A few things, sorry I just have to list them…lol
1. Staying up passed 10pm will get harder and harder being a working Daddy! Remember you have 2 jobs now!!
Getting your time in with Maddy is most important! I always say to my self that the dishes and the laundry will always be there!!
2. Maddy looks just like her Mommy in the close ups on her 11 month bday! Happy 11 months!!! & Congrats to Maddy on the Crawling!! Its so exciting!! I felt the same way!
3. I am so glad you are getting away for the 1 years!! You need to be free of everything around you!! I think “everyone” understands!! You and Maddy time!!
We will be thinking of you and wishing we could take a little of that pain away from your broken heart!!
I also really just wanted to say how much I enjoy your posts and pictures! You have helped me in ways I can’t even explain! As I am sure you have with most people! Thank you for being so honest, sometimes its what we are all thinking and never say!
You are Awsome!
nothing = good
sleeping = good
keeping plans you made a year ago = awesome
you’re amazing. keep remembering.
I can’t believe Maddy is crawling & almost a year old. When I first found your blog, several months ago, you were just getting ready to feed her baby cereal for the first time. You’ve come a long way Matt & you’re doing an awesome job!
I love hearing stories of Liz, even though it’s hard for you. Thank you for sharing those moments with us.
Praying for you & Maddy as you approach the next several weeks.
my friend has one of those wesley willis drawings
its a sky line also plus i mean the guys dead. 50bucks. what a steal
I think of you and Madeline often. She is so beautiful and it looks like you are doing a great job as a Dad!
From San Jose with love-
Matt…I had to laugh….you look like Jesus in your snuggie!!! Maddy is gorgeous, as usual…I’m glad to hear you’re getting some much needed rest and just enjoying your little girl.
I agree, you must do what feels right for you and Maddy, but her family and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers.As a Mom, I can’t fathom Liz’s parents pain. We read your pain everyday and I hope her parents have somehow found some solace by reading your words and through the love you have for Madeline. As life settles into your new “normal”, you will learn how to balance better. I sat outside tonight in 85 degree weather and thought of the two of you, and oh the places you will go. Good thoughts and prayers sent your way as the date approaches.
Words that tap into ever present grief, laughter because of future first word stories, tears — always tears, blue eyes that reflect the indescribable beauty of forever love, gratuity for the joyful and painful reflection, celebration, anger, and exhaustion.
Thank you.
Matt, it was so great to hear about you and Maddy relaxing. Loved the story about Wesley Willis drawing. I could totally see myself doing the same thing as Liz. Very cute. And, glad that you had a chance to experience Spam again. It’s a favorite in our household (strange, but true)..and we live in the MN not HI.
Glad that you have some plans for the 25th. I agree it’ll be good to be away.
Madeline continues to get cuter and more precious every day. Love that she’s crawling–get ready!
and also, my oldest daughter’s first word was shit. She is 31 on March 31st and still loves that word.
My heart rejoices with you, cries with you and is filled with pride by your accomplishments as a man and as Maddy’s daddy. It has been such a gift to get to “know” you and Maddy and to share in this journey. I think of the two of you daily and keep you in my prayers. Thanks for the laughter and for the tears….. she is so precious and beautiful….and a constant reminder that life IS good.
I cannot believe how fast her big day is coming up, and … your worst day. It will always be hard but that is because you loved her so much. Everyone will understand that you are away. This is about you … not them.
She’s growing SO fast! You’re one of those parents who are actually cherishing every moment and it touches my heart to read about it.
Congratulations, Madeline! So happy to hear that she started crawling, what a milestone!
Yay for Maddy!
Next thing you know, she’ll be up and walking. You’re doing such a wonderful job, Matt. Truly.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you both in the coming weeks… I can’t imagine how difficult this time will be, but I know that you and Maddy will be ok; because you have each other and the support of all your family and friends. Take care, Matt!
Matt, I am so right there with you with the sleeping thing. After close to a year of sleep deprivation myself (pregnancy will do that to you) I just crave a good night of uninterrupted sleep – and being able to stay awake past 10. Paul seems to fall asleep around 8, so sometimes I feel like I don’t even know him. My days start earlier and I consider it a big day if I have dinner after 5:00.
I’m glad you and Maddy had an opportunity for some alone time; you were on such a whirlwind, it’s not a wonder you crashed and burned early every night.
BTW – the Snuggie kicks ass. You can totally start your own cult now.
I’ll call you tomorrow to schedule a dinner/play date. Sounds like all of us turn into pumpkins early these days, so we can make it an early one. Think of where you would like to go. Or, I’d be happy to cook for all of us, too.
Oh and in case you didn’t get to see it, I posted a cute picture of Connor and Maddy from the Griffith Park playdate.
Here it is: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ejweller/3324461349/
You gave me strength today. Thank you. : )
Dude, that snuggie is sa-weet
Matt,
I started reading your blog when I read your story in People. I totally understand about needing to get away for the anniversary. I was only 10 years old when I lost my mom 10 years ago and I just lost my step mom 8 months ago also on the 25th. Each anniversary never gets any easier but just do the best you can. Be around people that support you and Maddy (which sounds like you will be). Though it will be a VERY hard day you will get past it. I will be thinking about you and Maddy on that day.
Love,
Katie
I love Wesley Willis, I last saw him on Austin in 2000 when I was 5 months pregnant with my oldest daughter, so I consider it her first show.
I absolutely would have paid $50 for some of his work! Rock over London, Rock on Chicago. Your way, right away at Burger King Now, ha ha!
Matt: Maddy is really beautiful. She reminds me of my niece Sophia. They are both so happy with life not a care in the world. I think you going to Mexico is a great idea. As you know those two days are going to be bitter sweet. You will celebrate maddy life and mourn the loss of Liz’s life. I have read thru your post from last year while Liz was on bed rest in the hospital. It brought back memories for me because I was in the hospital from March 8th 1993 until my son was born on March 21st 1993. I remember those long days hoping my son would wait a few more weeks before he was born. He decided that 28 weeks was long enough for him. As I read thru your post I wondered did Liz ever get physical therapy while she was bed ridden? I remember they came and lifted and bent my legs every day because they told me Blood clots were a real danger while being bed ridden while pregnant.
I know for my family we keep questioning why! Why did Jackie die after Sophia was born? How could this happen in this day and age. As I held my niece the other night and she fell asleep on my stomach i thought back to a year ago when her mother would place my hand on her stomach so I could feel the baby kick. I only hope she can see how much we all miss her. You mentioned that you use to live in Chicago, that is where we are from. Would love to visit with you and maddy the next time you come to Chicago. I know we would have alot in common. Stay strong and always keep Liz in your heart. She left you such a precious gift.
Rosann
Just started reading your blog and can I just say it’s very addictive! Love the picture of you in the Snuggie- I laughed out loud! Maddy is so gorgeous, so exciting that she is crawling around now. You, Liz, and Maddy are in my thoughts and prayers.
You know, when I recount those last days, It was like I was watching a movie, like I was on auto pilot. What gets me now is the “I’m Sorry”. I know its coming, but I have heard it so many times…..Its fucked up, but I don’t know, its just “old” to me I guess. Not a real shock. I might get away for my first real vacation. 18 months almost now and it would be 5 days apart. She just turned 3, and now is starting to ask questions about mom. FUCK……..
Maddy started crawling on my birthday
I just want to eat her up!!
Hey Daddy!
I want the snuggie! You do look like Jesus.
Yay for the girl and the *for reals* crawling!
OMG!! First of all, Maddy looks soooo tall! I can’t believe it. The one picture of her on the couch makes her look very long! We need a video of her crawling! Nathan did the army crawl for a while, and it was remarkable how fast he was!
I love your Snuggi! Rick and I always see that on infomercials and laugh!
so many good things – so many hard things – especially coming up…
please go to mexico, and RELAX….
but srsly, watch the number of man bod pics (readership is up, and you never know what kind of ‘real’ creeps are reading!) haha…:)
oh, and spam is one hot ticket item here…the first target (i mean TARGET!! the first one here!!) ever just opened up on the island, and the ONLY thing sold out, and not on the shelf?? SPAM. ::shakes head in wonder::
although, i must admit, it is pretty good in a musabi!
are there still plans to come sometime in spring, if i remember correctly? please let me know if you are! my daughter would LOVE madeline!
I have been reading your blog for months and months now, and have a burning question that I hope is not too personal: what do you DO?!
I have been out of work since June 2007 and am fascinated by what it is that you might do that lets you take so much time off and lets you afford to eat out so often and pays so well that you can travel so often. To be honest, I suppose I am hoping you work for some fabulous company that has an office in SF where I live, so I can get a job there.
You’re sure catcing up on sleep Matt. That’s great. You need to listen to your body.
Do people actually wear those snuggie things?
And guess what my first word was? “Shit”
True!
As a mother to two young children, I’ll be celebrating with you on the 24th and shedding some tears on the 25th for what should have been.
And I love that you laughed and smiled as she pulled CDs and DVDs off of your shelf. Awesome!
)
What a beautiful baby Maddie is! Her eyes are gorgeous
I laughed when you wrote that you hope her first word isn’t shit. Though it wasn’t her first word, one of my 2 year-old’s favorites is crap. As in, oh crap! Now she runs through a list of alternatives…ohman, ohrats, ohbrother… instead – we’re trying
I think it is a very good plan to get away and sort through your thoughts and memories. However *alone* you need to be, do it. If you need a hug…a smile…some space…a cry…a sunset, whatever – it is your time and your turn. You have helped and comforted so many people; take time to rest and refresh. Thank you so much for letting me be part of your honest and heartfelt journey. You have no idea how much it has meant to me. See you when you get back Matt.
Congrats on the crawling! She is growing up fast! Glad you have so many friends (old and new) that you can talk with.
I LOVE that you immmediately left the dishes and played with your daughter. Too many people would have kept washing the dishes. I also think that there was nothing wrong with sleeping for 4 hours instead of doing chores. They will still be there when you get around to them.
Don’t you worry or feel guilty about doing what you must do for yourself on March 25th.
Another interesting insight, I can so relate too. It is good to talk about this crap with strangers, and I am glad that was of mutual benefit. I have a lady in the UK chasing me over a bereavement book, and I must make more of an effort to talk to her, I almost forgot it would be helpful to me too.
It is also great to read you have so many funny and warming memories, even in things you disagreed on. Those are truly wonderful.
Take car big man, and not-so little lady.
great post (as usual)
great pics (as usual)
as for when you will be able to stay up past 10, I’ll let you know (my daughter is 19 months, and I’m so lame I’m often in bed by 9:30 – so sad)
Man… I’m so jealous. I want a snuggie.
I have to admit that look a tiny bit odd on men. Y’all always turn out looking like a priest or a monk.
Maddy can play the piano just like me! That’s what it sounds like when I try to play it, too.
With all the sleepless nights you’ve had over the past 11 months I’m suprised you’re not in a REM coma by now. I was seriously wondering how you were doing it.
Totally love the photo of Madeline sitting on the chair with the blanket/afghan on the back…must be the colors.
I didn’t realize Spam was such a palatable commodity…crazy!
I am SO proud of you. I love you both!!!
Well, I would never get mad at my husband if he brought home a piece of art that had Wrigley on it. (Am I right, K in the N?) He’s a White Sox fan, so that will never, ever happen.
Mexico sounds like a good plan. It’ll give you and Maddy some quiet away and give JJ & family some time to thaw out a little.
Congrats to Maddy on the crawling – now your journey really begins. And congrats to you, Matt, on the snuggie. Now Maddy can call you Jesus Christ Superstar.
Great post. Thanks for the memory share.
Those videos of her playing the piano will be priceless if she grows up and actually plays one for real!
Don’t feel guilty about being away this month. You have to do what’s best for you and Maddy. Everyone else will be fine….
I’m also a long time reader but first time commenter
I was LOL at the fact that SO many people commented that you looked like Jesus in that picture w/o knowing others had made the same comparison. We should play “caption this photo” with that picture 
I’d go with something like “Come, my disciples”.
Maddy is beautiful as always !
Shit is a word that all 3 of my kids said at a very young age. It is pretty funny, but I always felt like such a hypocrite telling them not to say it…it’s a “bad” word. But, then I’d turn around and say it in front of them. Oh well…there are worse things in life than having a child that says “shit”.
Thinking a lot about you guys this month. I agree that you need to be out of town. You need to do what’s best for you and Maddy. Don’t worry about everyone else…everyone will be dealing with that day in their own way. (((HUGS))) to you both.
I am glad you got to talk to Diane.
One of the things someone told me early on in this grief journey is that we need to tell our story at least 300 times before we stand a chance of healing.
I believe it, and am glad you are one time closer.
Now, anyone want my phone number to listen to mine?
Yay she is crawling. In no time she will be walking and talking. It is beautiful. The day she turned 11 months old, my new niece was born. That circle keeps on turning…..
Matt,
I hope you find some peace and relaxation in MEX. My thoughts will be with you, Maddy, and the grandparents.
On another note, have you wore that snuggly infront of Maddy? I think it would freak her out!
Along with outlet covers, you need to get those things that keep them from opening the cabinets. My daughter would try to get in the cabinet with the cleaning supplies and stick them in her mouth! I don’t have any in the BR and she gets under the sink and unrolls an entire roll of tp, something else to look forward to.
I will be especially be thinking of you when the 25th approaches, but with everyone else, I feel that you should get away and just do what you need to do for yourself. ( Hope that Maddy has a great bday in Mexico (i’m 23 and haven’t got to go yet
)
she’ll say shit soon enough, and it will make you laugh when she does, b/c it’s just too funny to hear it come from a little kid’s mouth. when my son (almost 2) says truck, it comes out “fuck”…so we’ll be driving down the road and he’ll see a truck and yell FUCK!
enjoy Mexico, our thoughts will be with you that day, so you won’t really be away from us
hi matt. a friend forwarded your blog about a month ago and every time i open my google reader, i’m so happy to see a new entry! i have tremendous respect for what you’re doing. little maddy is awesome and reminds me of my little niece mia (a few months older). watch out, you’re in for a whole new world now that she’s mobile!
just one question, what is the deal with the “creepy” people? i’m sure it’s a reference to something going on in the comments, but with so many, i can’t keep up!
WOW she is crawling!!!! God job!! She looks so so precious. Gorgeos little girl. Enjoy your trip to Mexico, it will be nice to go away for a few days. I hope you find peace again, just like you did for first time on your last trip there, but this time I hope it stays with you for a little longer. Take care.
I’m glad you’re getting out of town for the anniversary…I think it’s absolutely necessary to be surrounded by those closest to you on that day.
Liz had great taste in music…I really like the Crooked Fingers song!
Asalamu Alaykom,
Dude…it’s OK that everyone thinks you look like Jesus in the Snuggie, but the moment YOU think you actually ARE Jesus…well, then I guess you start recording rants on record and penning skylines on tagboard.
Here’s my tip for the day: Go to an Indian store and buy the MRE’s which cost a fraction of a frozen meal from a chain store and don’t take so long to heat up. I love going to Indian stores! Meet some great people along the way!
Do you have a rice cooker? I know you don’t feel comfy in the kitchen, but if you eat a lot of Indian food at home, you’ll appreciate the ease of preparation.
Beautiful, mashahallah, pics of Miss Madeline. How do you take those pics and then leave in the morning? I have to kind of not love my kid so much in morning in order to go. LOL! Being out of work eliminates that issue
Don’t worry about child-proofing. Kids are very helpful in showing you exactly what needs to get blocked, stopped, or put away.
As for the 24th/25th, no matter where you are physically, you will be somewhere else mentally. No matter if a million people were surrounding you, on that day, your mind’s eye will only see three. In your mind, you will be together, so that’s why you will be living in your head, even if you will be in Mexico.
Just…don’t wear the Snuggie in Mexico, ok? Because, if I hear about a sighting of The Savior on some resort balcony, I’ll know who to blame.
ha! You in your Snuggie – that’s awesome! Madeline is getting bigger and bigger (and more beautiful) every day. Glad you had some time to just “hang out”!
Wallking soon my friend, walking soon…and only you know what is best for yourself on that day!
Oh I so agree you have got to do things just the way you want for the one year. You have must take care of yourself and actually the closest thing to Liz is Maddy and you want to be close to her.
Actually it is the anticipation of the anniversary that seems to be much harder than the day itself. It seems like you are silently grieving every hour of the last week up until the day, it is exhausting and so emotional. You live that last month, day and hour. It is so crisp and clear, and so fucking hard to get through. I don’t mean to project my grief of that time onto you, I just give you some insight. This blog is going to get harder for me to read in the next few weeks also..once again the build up…but you have to get it out….Glad you turned your camera and friends off during the weekend..I feel like you need some hours that are not documented with Maddie and your camera….Only for you, not the world to see. U rock.
Ahh, the days of the commando are over, true mobility strikes! As my mom used to tell me, “You can’t wait for them to walk and talk, then all you want for them to do is to sit down and be quiet!” And, what is the deal with the magazines or books on tabletops? (I’m still trying to figure that one out and my “baby” is 25 and my youngest grandchild is 2! What a fun time you have in store for you and Maddy.
GO TO MEXICO—ENJOY YOUR TIME THERE. This is an important time for you and Maddy. The rest of the family will see you when you get home. Trust me, Maddy will enjoy her birthday celebration with the remainder of the family just as much whenever you can all get together. I personally have found, even at almost 57, that the more celebrations, the better!
As for your sleeping schedule…I would say that you need to take advantage of getting sleep now. Bank it up.;) You probably will have more times in the future when your sleep will be interrupted. Enjoy those times of rest and don’t begrudge yourself them.
Blessings from Texas.
Hey Matt- love the snuggie! perfect for your role as ‘cult leader of the creeps!’ You continue to amaze with all the love heap on that adorable little girl! Liz is proud…
Not only do you have an authentic Bob Ross, but now you have a Snuggie, too?!?!? I’m so jealous.
“everyone stared.
the old lady glared.”
Matt, please, PLEASE write a book someday soon.
thank you for the story about the $50 artwork…made me chuckle!
i also happen to think you resemble jesus in your snuggie. especially w/ that sweet florescent light coming from behind your head! hehe.
maddy is beautiful. don’t need to tell you twice!
*
Happy 11 months sweet Maddy. WOW, your crawling! Watch out daddy, now the fun really begins!! You won’t believe all you have to baby proof! I have a 20 month old and there’s always something new he finds he can get into each month! If you need some baby proofing tips, let mek now!
So this is completely unrelated to anything in your most recent post, but I have been watching Celebrity Apprentice and you and Tom Green look shockingly similar…hmmm…
You do what you have to do. Healing takes time and alot of love, and whether it happens on the anniversary or a few days later, I’m sure that everybody who knew Liz will understand that this is the way that the two of you needed to spend that day. Don’t worry and just hang in there. Just keep hanging in there.
Also, congratulations on the crawling =) What a happy milestone!
Hey Matt, I just bought this bacon chocolate bar in Vegas, in case you’re looking for some more!
http://www.vosgeschocolate.com/product/bacon_exotic_candy_bar/exotic_candy_bars
It was an experience.
Crawling already such a big girl. Can’t wait for the next post. Losts of pics please
I can’t begin to tell you how happy and relieved I am to hear that you are sleeping.
I’m thinking of you, Maddy and your families a lot this month. I hope you can have a wonderful birthday celebration on the 24th and some peace and smiles through the tears on the 25th.
Your Wesley Willis art story just cracked me up! I was introduced to him about 10 years ago during my college days. While in Chicago on a trip the one souvenir I had to have was a Wesley Willis CD. I now have Wesley Willis songs running through my head. Thanks for making my day!
CATHY IN THE IE: Ohhhh Matt….I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you are over 30 and have a child, staying up past 10pm only gets harder! Fuck, we’re lucky if we can keep our eyes open past 9!
**ummmm, ditto Matt- sorry!
Mine are 4 & 2.5 and I still barely make it past 9pm (of course its really hard to get ‘re-motivated’ when they ask you to lay with them a bit and you end up falling asleep on 3″ of a twin mattress listening to them snore! 
**
Been following for some time now. Tears, laughs, smiles and all. As you were writing about the year anniversary coming up, on Valentine’s day, my 4 and 5 year old little cousins were going thru the third year without their dad. Although I am not in yours or my aunt’s posistion, I am sad to be accquainted with it. I know how hard it is to portray to others the amazing-ness of the person they never got the chance to meet. I haven’t posted any comments because I know there is a good chance it won’t even be read, but just as you explained in this post, its hard to pass on a chance to talk about the person you’ve lost when they have changed yourself and others in so many super awesome ways. Wish I had something to say other than you’ll be in my thoughts on the 25th, but there really is nothing else I or anyone can say that will make it any better. Its still going to suck, just like Valentine’s day will forever suck in our lives. All we can do is be happy we had the chance to have them, and try to take what we gained and do something with it
Crawling is great. Walking is even better. She’ll let you know what needs to be put away. I’m glad you’re getting a chance to wind down a bit. I think you’re going to need those reserves in the weeks ahead. You need to rest and your body is letting you know that.
Matt, I hope you have a blast in Mexico! Loved all the pics of Maddy in this post! Thinking of Maddy on the 24th (Happy Birthday to her!) and both of you on the 25th. Sending hugs.
The 25th is approaching fast. I can’t even imagine… Hang in there. That Wesley Willis story is funny. Back in 2002 I bought a new car from a dealership (one my dad worked at) and when my dad found out that the alignment was off because of an undisclosed accident he took it back without even letting me say goodbye. Little did he know I had left a Wesley Willis cd in the player on full blast. I can only imagine the face of the next person who had that car.
Happy 11 months! My Patrick will be 11months this week as well. I love how close they are so I can check in to see what Maddie is up to since she is the older lady! I don’t remember staying up past 10pm for pleasure. It was only a year or so ago, but seems like a lifetime lately.
I don’t think you’ll ever get back to old normal,you’ll just find a new normal.
Thank you for letting us all into your lives. Thank you for reminding us about the important things in life and to not get caught up on stupid crap that really don’t mean anything. I look at alot of things differently now because of stuff you’ve written about,stuff that has rocked me to the core.
I think Maddy has another admirer. My 10 month old little boy was enamored watching her play the piano. She’s turning into quite the little lady.
Oh, and congrats on the crawling. My son just started too!
When will you be able to stay up past 10pm again? Never. That’s parenthood for you! Well, maybe when she’s older, but then you’ll be up worried about her and waiting for her to come home from being out with friends or *GASP* from a date, not really staying up for anything super fun. And then when she’s even more grown, college age you’ll still be up worried about her. That’s what we do as parents-worry. And then when you stop worrying so much, you’ll be old. So, you’ll cuddle up with your Snuggie, watch some Matlock and fall asleep at 8pm, still full from the dinner you had at 4pm.
And YAY! Maddy is crawling! Watch out, Daddy!
God she’s SO big looking in those pink shots.
Staying up late is overrated anyway.
Thank you so much for all of your writing, Matt. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried (and laughed) while reading this blog. I have so much respect for you and the choices you’ve made since Liz passed away.
Madeline is a beautiful little girl.
Yay Maddy for crawling!! And I too hope Shit isnt her first word. LMAO. I am also relieved to see that I am not the only Wesley Willis fan in the world, too funny!
Ok, have fun chasing after the crawler!
Hey Matt, you asked in your blog when you will ever get back to normal, and quite frankly, who is to say what you’re going through ISN’T normal? I don’t know how else to word it, but it’s true.
That’s awesome that she’s full on crawling now, I’m happy to see how well she’s changed since LAST July…anyway…thank you for the update.
Normal is when the weird, funny, etc. things happen every day, until something weirder, funnier, etc., comes along. I honestly go tears in my eyes to read that Maddy is crawling now. Wow, so much time has past so quickly, yet it doesn’t seem like it. Hopefully your prepared for “Where is/are my…?”, “Why are there Cheerios in my shoe?”, “How come there is a cookie in the VCR?”
If you have to get away on the 25th, then go. Try not to feel guilty, people will understand. Go, try to have a good time; although I am sure it will be tough and hug that baby tight. Seems to me she has a way of making things feel better and brighter.
I LOVE those transitions, when you suddenly realize, “Hey…I don’t have a baby anymore! He’s a little boy now.” And then suddenly you don’t have a little boy either, you have a kid. It is amazing to watch. You are so lucky to have such a wonderful little person in your life to teach you these incredible things.
My daughter is also named Madeline and her first word WAS ’shit’! But it was more like ‘chit’. Oops. She noticed when I dropped something that I would say ‘oh, shit’ so when she dropped a toy, that’s what came out. In the grocery store…in front of people! Humiliating – yes. Funny – yes. Now she’s 7. You’re doing awesome. Even if her first word might be ‘chit’.
Hey there Matt and Madeline! A couple of thoughts:
1. You will never get caught up on sleep – just when you think that you are getting there, you don’t. But, that is ok.
2. Remember the times when you laugh at Maddy ripping apart your house, because occassionally it miht be hard to laugh at all of the destruction.
3. So glad to see you guys spending so much quality time together at home!
4. My hubby wants to know if Salma Hayek is just as hot in person as she is on tv?
Madeline, you make sure that daddy of yours gets some sleep. I know that he is so much fun to play with and hang out with. But, for him to continue to be such an awesome daddy, he needs some sleep too. Ok?
Love to you guys,
Andrea V
BLUE JESUS !! You look like a Blue Jesus
Matt, for me, after 6 years..I still ‘escape’ with my kids. I think it has transpired into a remembrance thing. Just thoughts and me and the kids. Don’t feel guilty…you need to do whatever you can to keep on doing the best job for you and Maddie. I wish you all the strength in these next few weeks. Anja.
Matt,
I spent the “first year day” out of town too. No need to feel guilty. The next few weeks are going to be difficult, you do whatever you feel is best for the you and Maddie.
You will make it.
I’m glad someone else thought it, too… the snuggie makes you look like Jesus. Could be the pose, but it’s a bit creepy.
Hi Matt : I hate to tell you this but sleep is a thing of the past when you have a little one in the house LOL. But you get use to it and get thru the day. I drank a lot of coffee !!!! Take care Dot K.
O M G!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE you posted Paddle to the Sea!! You have NO idea how much I am freaking out right now. I have tried for YEARS to remember the name of this film, I’ve asked everyone I know if they remember it, I was starting to think I was crazy and I just think I remembered this film……. I’d say “come on, you remember that film, the boy carved a canoe, and it floated down the river….” and no one remembered. I can’t believe you did, and you found it!! You just made my day, you have no idea!!! Not only did you find something I’ve thought about over and over for 20 years, you also proved I’m not crazy!!!
Hi Matt,
I have been reading your blogs for a few months, and they always make me smile and cry at the same time. My husband died a little over a year ago, and we have a beautiful 6 year old girl too. I know you know this but try not to feel guilty about getting away. I went away to Ireland, and to be honest I would have gone to Mongolia if I could have. There was comfort being away. You need to do what is right for you and your adorable girl.
I love ‘Paddle to the sea’! Thanks for reminding me about it, I will have to find it to watch with my little one. When I was little I used to watch the creek by our house for a little canoe every spring. Thanks for sharing.
Maddy is the cutest ‘little girl’ ever!
Matt please share this web-site with your readers. It is my tribute to Jackie who died during child birth exacately 9 months this coming Friday the 13th. I am not sure if my prior note will post. Thank you for being such a strong role model. Your tribute to Liz is outstanding.
Thanks,
Rosann
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=786083f5ea3aa9a2227af5&skin_id=1704&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url
Wow. They say everyone in the world has a twin somewhere, and I’m pretty sure I just saw a picture of Liz’s “twin” on a Pioneer Woman cooking post. The resemblance is uncanny.
Please know that all of our thoughts and prayers will follow you, no matter where you are on the 25th… and I hope you and Madeline are able to find peace and happy memories together in Mexico.
shit as a first word isn’t too bad… for my friend’s daughter one of the first words was FUCK (she was trying to say fire truck). needless to say, it was quite a trip to the grocery store after that, kid screaming ‘fuck’ and us repeating ‘fire truck’, red-faced and hoping that the earth would split and we’d be saved.
good job you’re doing, as always.. try to get some rest!
So the robot likes pudding? Who knew?!
I was so excited when I seen there was a new post! They always make me smile when I see Maddy! I am glad that you are doing what you feel is best for you and Maddy and going to Mexico! I will be thinking about you guys!
Keep doing what you do best…Lovin that little girl of yours!
When is Maddy’s 11month check up? I have never guessed the height and weight and I think I might be good at it. :p
My first word was Shithead, and my daughter has already said oh shit (my choice of words when I accidentaly do something! Shit happens! LOL
I was so excited to read that she is now crawling! How exciting! I think my son will be doing this soon. I remember when Lilly first starting crawling my husband was at work, so I first grabbed the camera to catch it for him and then I just sat on the floor watching her crawl and also making a huge mess of the family room. But like you, I didn’t care and I just sat their amazed at what she learned to do!
Do what you need to do for you and Madeline on that day. It’s gonna be hard, but know that there will be people thinking of you both!
Oh man! You’re at Yogurt Mama, aren’t you? Love that place…and it works well for the babies-I get the plain yogurt with fruit and we’re both happy!
Lots of good thoughts being sent your way. You take care of yourself and Maddy first and foremost. Then deal with the rest.
You look like Jesus in that snuggie.
I loved loved loved this post. The pictures of Madline are more and more stunning. Everytime you post new pics, we see that she’s leaving the baby stage and becoming a little girl. i can’t believe she’s crawling! Have fun baby-proofing the house. Your doing an amazing job with her. She is an unbelievably happy little girl. I agree that its’s best for you guys to be away. You, Madeline and both your’s and Liz’s family’s will be in my thoughts that day.
Matt, I am a girl from Norway, and I just saw you on The Rachel Ray show, and your story was so sad, I hat to google what I rememberd, and I found your blogg.
I want to tell you myself that you are doing a great job with Madeline, she is so cute. She has a father she can be proud of forever.
You are a great father, and Liz is looking down at you with joyful eyes, she is watching you both from heaven, never forget that.
Love Maddy’s 11 month pics – that’s one cute little girl you’ve got there! She has grown up so much in the past 11 months. She’s just beautiful. And now mobile! It’ll be a whole new world for you both but so fun! Enjoy every minute! Thinking of you both… p.s. Just saw your ROBOT pics on Design*Sponge
Hi Matt!
My name is Viviann, and i’m from Norway.
I just saw you and Maddie on the Rachel Ray show… And I just had to look up your blog. Maddie is sooo cute! And your doing an amazing job with her! She seems like a very happy and nice little girl:)
Wish you all the best in the future!
Love from Norway
HI! I just watched the Rachel Ray show and there you where with your sweet little girl. I don’t know when you where on it, this is Norway so we always get the shows late.
First of all I have to tell you that I am sad for the loss of your beautiful wife. It is so tragic that I can not find words to express how I feel. Life seems pretty cruel at times, there is no meaning at all in what happens. But sadly, things like that do happen.
I have not read your entire blog, not yet, but the bits and pieces I have read gives me the inpression that you are a wonderful father for your daughter, which by the way is cute like a button! Your life, and your words put things into perspective for me and I believe that there is not few lives you have touched through your blogging.
Thank you for sharing so willingly from your life, from your struggles, sadness and happiness.
You’re not doing the journey alone Matt, you have thousands and thousands with you.
Don’t you just love that snuggie! When I wear mine I feel like Papa Smurfs head priest. The snuggie, so simple yet so perfect!
Prayers sent out your way for the incredibly hard month this is going to be. I hope the love of family, friends and strangers continue to guide you thru this incredibly sad journey safely.
HAHAHAHAHAHA, you look so heavenly in that Snuggie…you almost have a glow around your head like a saint….it’s funny! Snuggies are the SHE-OT!!!
Maddy is SO beautiful. I love how you describe your feelings over Madeline crawling. That’s exactly how it is..everything stops and you just watch them…and you’re so overwhelming happy that you don’t care in that moment that she’s tearing the house apart! It’s such a wonderful feeling. Reading what you wrote, made me relive that moment with my 2 girls all over again. So thank you. Wait until she takes her first steps..
As always, great post. Glad you both were able to rest and relax.
Christine D.
This is TOTALLY random, but your stranger friend Erin (the pic on top of the two pretty girl posing w/ the robot) has the most gorgeous hair. Erin, if you’re reading this, can you email me what you use/do? sackmh@langate.gsu.edu
Matt, think you’d like my profile pick on Twitter…already following you, kellyherrera.
Love, love, love your blog.
Ah, good ol’ Wesley Willis. There’s nothing quite like listening to Rock n’ Roll McDonald’s to turn you off fast food forever.
I love the pics of Maddie; she’s such a beauty. You must get so tired of hearing that…
Cheers!
I def. think that gettin the hell outta dodge is a fabulous idea…I would too. Enjoy your trip (as much as possible). We’ll all be thinking about you two, even more then we already are
Ooooo, you’re in trouble now! Bella started real crawling last week and our poor old lady dog is her favorite target.
You look like Jesus in that snuggie…hahaha I totally want one of those!
She’s so, so, so cute and so, so, so happy. You’re doing a fucking amazing job.
I know this month sucks ass. We’re sending big hugs, love and a lot of strength your way.
xoxoxoxo,
Tricia and Bella in the So. Cal
ps. I am so jealous…I can’t wait to get a robot photo of my very own. heehee
I’m so jealous of your Snuggie. I want one so bad…
Matt – I have been a reader for a while now and I too am hooked. You give inspiration to many.
I live in Apple Valley, MN and when I read you were here, part of me wished I had been where you were at the time. Just to be another stranger to hello
I am currenly pregnant with my 4th and due March 28th. I keep thinking of being in the same state as you and Liz one hear ago. Even though this is my 4th time, there is always the thoughts of what can happen.
You are a role model in so many ways, you will never know just how much. Be yourself and thank you for sharing your journey. I love the pictures and the smiles you share – yours and Maddies.
By the way, it’s freezing in MN today (4 above – feels like 16 below). Enjoy your retreat to Mexico!
Matt,
Oh my god….Wesley Willis is a name that I have not heard in forever. I first saw him in 1994 at a place called off the alley in Homewood, Illinois. Then many times later when I was a doorman at the Double Door. I forgot about him. Some great songs like Kurt Cobain and I whipped batman’s ass. The keyboard was the best part. Take care,
David
you look like jesus with a haircut in that snuggie. please don’t wear it in public…hahahahaha
I completely understand the desire to run away and be somewhere else for the 1-yr anniversary. It’s a weird date and tension as you approach it. Even after 3 of them, I still don’t always know what the day (or week, or day before, or day after) is going to be like. But good god, I dreaded that first one. I made all sorts of official, commemorative plans throughout the week…and I was ready to be done with the whole thing after just one, but I still had days’ worth to make it through.
The day is going to suck ass no matter where you are. The day(s) before or after might suck ass even worse, and the day of might not be all that bad. I remember noting the time at every momentous tick of the clock on the 1-yr anniv. 5:30: Last time I talked to Charley. 6:30: TIme the race started. 7:30: Time he likely crashed into the fucking pole, and was dead a split second later. 7:51 (or 7:55; I couldn’t keep track which was the supposed “real” time): The official time listed on the death certificate. 9:45: The moment my world shattered, when the police came to my house and told me. I didn’t consciously try to log all these times, but without fail, karma had me glancing at the clock at precisely the moments I didn’t want to remember. And it fucking sucked.
But doing what you need to do for YOU, and for Maddy, is more important than what everyone else needs. It’s the day and moment YOUR life ended…nobody else’s. And who knows–it may actually end up being a good day, at some moments, as you remember and laugh at times about the great things about Liz too. Grief isn’t all sadness, “fucks,” and feeling lost all the time; grief is smiles, being with the best of friends, and enjoying life–and the beautiful little girl you and Liz created–at the same time too.
Hang in there.
Hugs,
Candice
Wesley Willis? That cracked me up. My husband has a cd with WW “Christmas” songs. He would be jealous of your art work.
Glad you and Maddy have had so much hanging around time. Yay for the crawling girl!
1st off, you worry about you and mads, not what other people need. away to mexico with ya.
and 2nd, my 7 year old girls both want snuggies. i can make them for pennies and told them as much, but they thought i’d really pay $20 for one each.
Matt,
My name is Amanda. I am a recent mom, and i just want you to know that you are such an inspiration to me. I think you have a heart of gold for your daughter and that is such a beautiful thing. My son and I wish you both the all the happiness in the world.
You look like Jesus in that Snuggie, lol.
Longtime listener, first time caller…
I can’t even imagine how painful Valentine’s Day must have been for you this year. And the flowers…wow…Maddy is a beautiful little girl if that is any consolation.
I also follow along on your flickr account to see more photos (I have interests in doing better photography and really enjoy your work). The usual subject matter is also very cute!!!
Anyway, I was wondering how I might follow along with more of the music? I am always interested to hear new music and unfortunately my tastes have been rather limited due to the fact that I have two kids of my own to chase around.
Are you supposed to look like Jesus in that?
Oh – I spelled out s.h.i.t. one time when I was talking around Jacob, so not only does he know the word now, he knows how to spell it. That worked out great…
I’ll be thinking of you guys while you’re in Mexico… please give Madeline an extra smooch for me.
I just wanted to say that I can’t find “Paddle to the Sea” anywhere!! Where would someone like me find that? I also wanted to say that I just started reading your blog about a week ago, and I’m totally hooked! I’ve really enjoyed watching Madeline grow up and seeing how you’re dealing with everything around you. You are a strong man and I give you credit. Keep doing what you’re doing!!
you can find it here.
hi there – i’m a new reader to your blog and am still working my way through the archives. i can’t believe this is going to be my first comment, but here it is. i too, am a fan of wesley willis and think it would be amazing to own some of his art. yet, if my husband were to spend that much money on it, i too would find myself pissed.
anyway, keep up the good work raising your little one. i was a single parent for a long time and it’s hard as hell but the rewards are endless. i’m sure you know this. take care. 