feb. 25
yes.
11 months ago.
dates are arbitrary
in the scheme
of things, but
the memories associated
with those dates
just refuse to
go away,
so they’re forever linked.
at least in
my head.
plus i have a
fucking “25″ tattoo
on my right wrist,
hard to miss
when i woke
this morning and
lifted madeline from
her playpen.
on the way to
work i
got an e-mail
from an old
friend, with a photo
from my wedding.
i don’t remember
seeing it before.
it was beautiful.
i know i posted it
on the day,
but here it
is again.
that photo
is
liz.
i sat in the
the parking lot
at work and
stared at it.
then i cried.
this is not
a good way
to start the day.
managed to get through
the rest of the
without losing my shit
then drove
really fast to
pick maddy up
from daycare.
it was a relief
to have her
back in my arms,
doing what she
does every day
when i pick her up…
excitedly smacking me
in the face.
we got home and
she played with
the packaging from
her valentine’s day gifts.
then she played
the piano over
a couple of the
jazz records i
bought last week.
she finally fell asleep,
which is good,
because i had a lot
of stuff to do.
spent the evening
digging through stacks
of paperwork to
try to find a
few documents i
really needed.
this is great.
not only did
i find what
i was looking for,
i also started the
huge task
of cleaning off
my dining room table.
took small mountains
of trash out to
the outdoor trash containers.
in the darkness,
underneath the grapefruit
tree, i was transported
back almost exactly
a year.
yes…
a year ago today,
liz
was still at
home on bedrest.
but that smell…
holy shit.
some of the most
fragrant flowers i’ve
ever encountered.
and tonight they are
just starting to
blossom, but
i remember when
the entire tree
was filled with
flowers last year.
liz
was in the hospital,
and i would
return each afternoon
with a bag filled
with grapefruit for
the nurses,
a few small branches,
covered with
flowers from the
tree for
liz,
and stories about
how this wonderful
tree was completely
masking the shit
smell coming from
the leaking septic system
on the hill above
our neighbor’s house.
with the flowers
i brought to
her each afternoon,
she got to
experience just
a small portion of
what was hitting
me each morning
when i stopped
home to take
a shower
(i slept tried to sleep at the hospital on the most uncomfortable fold-out chair, every single night because i refused to be away from her for even one night),
before heading
to work,
and each afternoon
when i stopped
to pick up the
mail before heading
back up to
the hospital.
she loved this house
for all the
trees and flowers
in the yard.
at the most wonderful
time of the year,
she was stuck in
a fucking hospital bed,
unable to enjoy
the things
she loved so much.
tonight.
11 months to
the day after
she died,
i was reminded
of those moments
and wished
i could back there
for one fucking moment.
i guess i sort
of did tonight,
in my mind,
thanks to that tree.
150 Comments
I can imagine things like that will always pop up. It’ll probably feel like a smack in the face. But the fact that you can attribute those to such amazing memories of Liz, you’ll still appreciate the smack every once in a while. Maddy will appreciate your stories too.
Take care,
Rosie
treasure those moments….i love smelling scents that remind me of loved ones. it hurts but feels so good. kind of odd i know.
In every photo I have seen of Liz, I see what you see, the most beautiful woman on the planet. That wedding photo is so incredibly amazing and precious. I didn’t know Liz, but from what I have seen in the photos you have posted, she inspires me. She captures the essence of who I want to be someday. Thank you for continuing to share your story.
Beautiful photo Matt….you must have said something fuckin hilarious!!
That damn tree is going to make every spring feel a little bit like “that” spring….just remember how much Liz loved spring at your house….eventually thats the feeling that will feel when that tree blooms:) Hey…maybe you should start marking how tall Maddy is each year on that tree:)
That photo may be Liz – but it is also Madeline! She looks just like her…what a lucky girl. Hang in there Matt. You have a lot of people who care about you!
You are amazing!!
it’ a beautiful photo matt- and you are right, it IS liz.
here’s a cool anthropological thought for you… some cultures think that when people eat things from the same tree, they actually become more related. it’s like ‘you are what you eat’ taken to the next level… so when you and Maddy eat those grapefruits, you are still becoming even closer to Liz.
hang in there!
Em
While painful now, those will be beautiful memories in the years to come.
This gives me chills. These memories – the little things about living with Liz – are what Madeline will want to know as she grows. Keep recording them.
Liz is so gorgeous… and Madeline is sure to follow. What a fabulous picture of her!
Matt,
. What a contagious smile she had. Im sure you see it in Madeline already.
You are doing an amazing job. Liz is watching you and Madeline and has got to be so proud of you. Stay strong, and remember that you have all of our support. I pray for you and Madeline every day. Shes beautiful and I LOVE that picture of Liz. I smiled the first time you posted it. Its one of those pictures that makes you wish you had been there (you were lucky enough to have been)
God Bless
What a beautiful picture, memory, and post. I am sorry that we have to hear about it based on these circumstances. You are in my thoughts and prayers each and everyday. Your girl is gorgeous and you are a great father!
You always say how lucky a guy you were to have Liz. Well, Liz was an extremely lucky woman to have you.
It’s so true that those smells can totally take you back to a place in time. I get that with the flowers that we had in our wedding – stargazer lilies. Everytime I see them somewhere, I always stop to smell…it’s such an awesome thing to be able to be taken back to those memories so easily. I see that you and Liz had stargazer lilies in your wedding flowers also. My favorite.
What a beautiful post Matt. I hope that in time, the smell of that tree will be a comfort to you and won’t hurt so much. Your Maddy is getting so big…this next year is going to be filled with so much fun for you guys! I love the 2nd year. They’re more predictable with their schedule, easier to feed because they can eat more things and because they can begin feeding themselves, they get more speech and can do so many more things. And walking!! Oh, that will be a fun experience for both of you! Can’t wait to hear all about it.
I think about you guys often and hope that this month is full of wonderful memories for you that help ease the pain.
Gorgeous picture of Liz.
I’m sure you will find the precious gifts like that (the photo, the tree) will continue to find you.
That is a stunningly beautiful wedding picture. I love that she’s laughing… and I know that has to be so bittersweet. Exactly how you remember her, but exactly how you miss her.
I had to wait 24 years before I was gifted any of those beautiful little blue boxes.
Lucky Madeline, too… Tiffanys!?
I disagree. I think looking at that image, albeit shedding a few tears and having some angst, is a very good way to start a day.
Thanks for sharing your story about the tree, and that beautiful image.
Beautiful picture of Liz.
You’re coming up to a very painful anniversary. Try to keep in mind just how powerful a tool the internet can be. You’ve literally got thousands of people here supporting you and there when/if you need them. In addition to your great family, this network can be a tremendous sounding board during your darkest times.
My husband lost his dad when he was young… to this day when Dec 13 rolls around he can vividly remember some things from that time. It’s not something that ever goes away but he tells me he doesn’t want those memories to go because it makes it real that his dad existed, he explains it to me as though maybe, he was just a dream. Being so far out (29 years) from it now there are alot of things he forgets, so holding on to the moments he can are important. Oh and to drag this comment out even longer, not to long ago one of his sisters friends who’s apparently a “medium” started talking as though his dad is still around wathcing everyone, so every time our lights flicker we just say “hello” and go on.. ya never know do you?? lol
The pictures of Maddy at the old zoo are great! She’s such a beautiful little girl.
I had an apple tree in my yard growing up. Whenever mothers day came around, I would go out to pick flowers for my mom. The only flowers were a couple stray violets in the yard and our apple tree that was typically just starting to fill with apple blossoms. When we sold our farm, I took pictures of that tree with it’s blossoms. I no longer have the tree, but those pictures mean the world to me. Enjoy your tree this year for the happy memories that it envokes. I’ll post a picture on my blog for you!
What a gorgeous picture of a gorgeous woman! I love it when you post these beautiful pics of her, makes me feel as if I know her myself. Hang in there, it will never be easy, but it will hurt a little less as time goes on. You have a lot of people who really care about you!!
Matt- I am an anonymous reader that have followed your blog from sometime now. Your story is touching! I recently came across another touching blog that I would like to share with you:
http://roonfam.blogspot.com/
Her story is very similar to yours, and I just wanted to share it with you in case you could reach out to her with support, advice, or even some donations of some of Maddy’s old toys or clothes. They live in Southern California as well!
Ah, smells, they can take us to the strangest places. Every time I smell freshly cut grass I feel 6 again and playing kick the can. Odd.. But Your Liz, beautiful.
oh Matt, the smell of memories… they will be with you forever…isn’t it something that moments and time matter…
see you at 3:32
have a wonderful Wednesday afternoon with your Madeline…
and I will do the same with mine…
~g.
Here’s to making it through strong, Matt. I know every thing must be so hard for you right now.
isn’t it incredible how smells are associated with different memories – both the happy times and the painful ones. thinking of you and maddy lots in the next week…
You are weighing heavy on all of our hearts now and especially over the next two weeks. My hope would be that in some supernatural way, we could all share the grief with you and perhaps the thought of knowing that would ease your pain if only a tiny bit.
Ugh. This is a tragedy and I hate that you are having to experience such pain. I know Maddy will be of great comfort to you. Have a wonderful time together in Mexico.
Sending love and hugs your way….
That wedding photo is beautiful, what a lovely expression on Liz’s face! I bet you see it every day in the eyes of Maddie!
ha! that wedding pic is awesome! I wonder what you were saying to make her react that way?! From the looks on the bridesmaids, it was probably a Matt-ism that Liz absolutely adored you for….
Ok so I still think we should all do something on March 24th or 25th—like wear pink cowboy boots, or take a pic with a robot or something…..and send you pictures of us out here who love and adore you ….just saying.
Speaking of another blog who, when I read it, reminded me of you…here goes….http://www.mckayfamilylife.blogspot.com/
Senses forever pull me in reverse. The sense of smell is one of the strongest ways I am pulled back into time.
Smells and music constantly remind me of the past and pull me back to times I thought I forgot. I don’t think this will ever go away, it hasn’t for me and my brother has been gone 13 years.
The picture of Liz at your wedding is captivating. It radiates joy.
Feb.25th was my son’s 1st birthday. One year ago my husband was sleeping on one of those uncomfortable fold-outs, too. I’m sure you wouldn’t have considered sleeping anywhere else, but you’re a good man for doing that. Those things did NOT look comfortable at all.
Saturday marks the year anniversary of one of the worst days of my life, it’s also my daughter’s birthday. Every time I break down (which this week is all the f*ing time), I remind myself that it you can do, I can too because my pain doesn’t even compare to yours.
thank you for being an inspiration
Amazing memories of Liz! I so love that wedding pic! You can see and feel the happiness and love. Awesome! I’m sure this time is bittersweet…but enjoy the memories and enjoy making new one with Maddy! XO
Your posts about Liz are wonderful. She is so beautiful in the pictures and in your words. Thank God for the internet where you can share her and your pain and joy. I hope it is some comfort. I know it helps me — only a little — to know that we’re never alone. I can’t imagine the pain you feel but I am grateful you can share it. Strangers care and pray. Your daughter is so beautiful.
that picture of Liz laughing is priceless and she looks so sincere.
And Tiffany’s…way to go dad
what an amazing photo. I’m glad the flowers brought you back a little to some of those moments. I can almost smell them you have described them so well.
The picture of your wedding was beautiful. What a stunning bride.
I am not a religious person. I wouldn’t even describe myself as spiritual, and yet I collect stories about heaven. I like hearing about how other cultures and various people describe it.
I heard a new story last week that is one of my favorites. I’ve adapted it into an explanation since that makes it easier to relay.
My grandpa was really a dad to me (although my loss is in no way like yours). So part of his heaven is the reality I create for him in my head. In the heaven I create, each day he wakes up to his very breakfast and reads the paper with my grandmother. The whole day is a day of his favorite things, his favorite foods, his favorite people, his favorite music. Imagining him there in his house brings me comfort and makes me smile and I like to think that somehow he feels it. He’s happy knowing I’m thinking of him. Like a present I give him each day by creating these scenes.
Perhaps as you share memories of Liz, in heaven each day she lives those days and gets to laugh, travel, and smile with you.
As a L&D and Antepartum nurse, I know firsthand the chairs of which you speak, and you are correct. So. Damn. Uncomfortable. And if you’re a tall guy, you stand no chance.
I loved your description of the grapefruit blossoms. I’m sure every time Liz caught the scent of them in her hospital room she was reminded of what a fantastic husband she had. You brought spring to her, and that was a beautiful gift. (Although I’d bet she LOVED those little blue boxes as well…Maddy sure seems to!)
I thought of you on the 25th, knowing “it” was a month away. Take care of you, and take care of Maddy. We’re all still rooting for you guys, every day.
That picture?! OMG…amazing. Under normal circumstances that would be an amazing picture, but when you consider what has happened and how it must feeling so bittersweet to see a picture of Liz that you have never seen before it makes it a true gift. If I can be 1/8 of how happy Liz was, my life would be complete. I am so happy that you had that incredible love and sunshine, I like so many others, just wish you had 80 more years of that. I am glad you have Maddie to remind you of that sunshine. Your a great Dad.
*HUGS* Know that these stories you can tell Madeline about her mom she will enjoy so much!
Such a wonderulf post. I can only imagine the smell of all of those flowers. It was so unbelieveably sweet of you to bring those flowers to her. She was a lucky lady to have a husband like you!
I love when you share pics of Liz. they seem to just light up. her spirit just jumps off the page. I wish i knew what she was laughing/smiling at in the moment. i’m having a hard time seeing through tears at the moment. damn hormones.
hugs from NJ
erica and Landon
Matt…this was a beautiful post…I loved it…I hope you have fun in Mexico and you can have the same peace you described from your last vacation…
The picture is beautiful, Matt. And I agree with what someone else said – I see so much of Liz in Madeline. I noticed it, looking at a picture of her the other day. I thought, “wow, I see Liz!”
I know you’re hanging in there. My prayers are always with you and Maddy.
((((((((HUGS)))))
With a person as special as Liz, special memories will always be told….thanks for sharing your moments with us. U rock Matt
Matt~
Beautiful post, I love that pic of you and Liz! It really captures the Love! I love to hear about how you couldn’t sleep away from her for one night and that you would bring her flowers from the tree, it made me sigh!! Smells and sounds will always bring you back to those wonderful moments you had with her! The love is forever between you two whether she is here or not!
Maddy is so lucky to have those moments saved for her with each post! She will know who her Mother was b/c of you!!! As always you are doing a great job!!
Crying in the car park before work — that’s the grief that people don’t see. You’re doing so well, they say — and you really are. But this struggle takes a lot of winning.
Keep at it, and spirits up
I’m so sorry that you are still in so much pain. I’m sure she loved those flowers you brought in everyday, and now Maddy gets to enjoy those beautiful blossoms
The wedding picture is wonderful, really captures the way I picture your Liz to be. Always.
It is amazing the way scents or music can bring you back to moments in time.
My daughter is two today and my husband still talks about that horrible bed/couch…
I love that picture of Liz! It’s just one of the many that you have shared with us that show just how happy you made her. And you continue that by making Maddy happy. We all see that in every picture. Hang in there!
There isn’t a day when I don’t think of you or Maddie or any other widows/widowers you have made me aware of.
I am fortunate. Thank you for reminding us of that every day. I’m so sorry for your loss. Every day. But I’m happy that you have Maddie, your friends, your family. And for the love you experienced with Liz. Some go their whole lives and never get close to what you two had.
I just cried when I read this blog and saw that picture. I am so sorry for you. I wish so badly liz were here and you guys were doing all of this together. I can tell in every picture I have ever seen of you two that your love for eachother was amazing. I think this will be Maddy’s favorite picture of her mommy and daddy.
What an amazing photo. You are truly fortunate to have it. The tears that you cried simply show much she meant to you. Rejoice in the love that you shared, and the daughter that you now have because of it.
It’s ironic that I would read this today as I got a voicemail from one of Mindy’s old friends…she didn’t know. She had spent the last 7 months blissfully ignorant that Mindy was gone.
I had to call her back
I had to re-live that morning all over again to tell her why she couldn’t talk to her friend. I hate that. I hate that she didn’t know until now, and I hate that I had to tell her. Mostly I hate that I started off my day with tears…again.
I know the feeling…I despise the feeling.
Wow, Matt. This was beautiful — the picture and your prose. I think you have a fast forward to what your little girlie will look like when she’s grown up. You’ve been blessed, Matt, with I swear, two of the most beautiful ladies on the planet! I pray each day for you and Madeline, and for peace for you, if that is even possible.
as always you rock my face off!!
BEAUTIFUL bride!
Dear Matt.
I visited your blog for the first time today, afther seeing you at the Rachael Ray show. And I have to say, your story really touched me. I think you are doing a great job raising Madeleine and writing this blog, who will be so important for Madeleine in the future.
I also noticed that your pictures are amazing!! Absolutly breath taking. You really know how to capture Maddies beauty and make the pictures come alive. She is gorgeous with those big blue eyes, and blond hair.
Keep up the good work Matt, there are peoples all over the world supporting you!
Matt, what an amazing picture. Without even knowing you or Liz I look at that picture and feel as though I have known you both for a lifetime. I can see how happy you made her and the love you shared with each other just by looking at that picture. Simply stunning.
The smells will always make you think of your beautiful Liz.
It seems so odd, but it does help to have that sense.
She was truly a beautiful woman. I love love love that photo. Shows how much fun you obviously are and her face is priceless, she knows she is marrying the right guy.
That right guy is now Maddy’s guy. She left her baby girl in wonderful arms.
Hugs.
Pam
Hey matt!
I saw your interview on Rachael Ray’s show yesterday night. I was overwhelmed by your tragic story, so i thought i would write to you, well not something i do quite often and im not even sure if this is going to be read by you but its worth a shot.
Im sure the thousands of mails and comments sent by people around the world to you includes all kinds of advices and comfort and similiar more things. I want to say the same things as them but there are a few additions to it too.
Firstly i wanted to tell you how lucky you are. There are many out there like you and you are one of the few who actually are known to the world (well thanks to the latest technologies lol). You are being viewed and heard by so many people around the world. All these people are tryin to help you and your campaign in diffrent ways.
Secondly i wanted to say that you are truely unique in a way that you understand that Maddy is your one and only major asset and that you live for her rather than yourself which must bring immense happiness in your life. Raising a child all on your own is nothing less than a challenge which you choose to face, other men could not or would not want to face such a thing coz either thier life gets messed up or their schedules are all screwed up etc etc.
And thirdly, all i want to say is uve been given God’s greatest gifts so take pleasure in each and every step in your life with maddy, whom i ought to say is extremely adorable. She is so wonderful, you can actually see the joy in her eyes. I’ll bet shes very lucky to have you as a father.
Always keep her your top priority in life and im sure in 20 years she’ll look back and say “OMG u did this all by yourself” and that will be the happiest day of your life.
Dont be sad over what happended but be happy you got a chance to expirence those moments. Smile always and I will pray that God always shines his light upon you and maddy. And always remember the rule of life “Whatever happens, happens for the best”.
Good luck to you.
Love to maddy
Gorgeous pics. Both of them, of course. The angle of the wedding shot is fantastic and I know you must still hear that laugh. Memories are a fucked up thing. Triggered by the smallest things, yet evoking huge emotional responses, They can fucking hurt like hell, but you wouldn’t live without them, either. Keep it up man. You’re seriously inspirational and shit.
Asalamu Alaykom Mr. Matt,
I saw the picture before. Today, I had a different take on it.
It was almost as if you were able to tell Your Liz everything that’s been going on. And her? She is just laughing in joyful abandon.
I love that wedding picture. It’s the most beautiful wedding picture I’ve ever seen. You’re so lucky that you got to experience it in person.
Your description made ME smell your trees and I’m not even close to there! It sounds amazing.
A couple of weeks from now are going to be so hard for you. But, you’re strong and you’ll make it through. My daughters 8th birthday is the 25th and I will be thinking of you and Maddy all day.
beautiful picture!!! so glad maddie brings you great joy! God bless
Liz sure was a beauty. I can just see the joy flowing out of her in that picture. I can tell she was utterly thrilled to be there with you.
Maybe in 7 or 8 springs you can tell Maddy just how much her mom loved that tree and it will become a favorite of hers too. You can cut some branches for her to keep in her room and tell her about how you did the same for her mom. She’ll know just how blessed she is to have a dad who loved her mom, and now loves her, so very much.
I pray for peace for you as you approach such a difficult date. May your memories be sweet and may the joy of Maddy comfort you.
What a lovely picture of you and Liz at your wedding – she is so beautiful.
Matt, I’ve been there, too. I lost my husband three weeks after Christmas, January 15, in 2005. Every 15th of the month cut me. That first Christmas after was Hell.
But please know this: little by little, each of your 25ths WILL get easier. And I know Maddie’s birthday will be really tough, because it’s all intertwined. But that, too, will get easier. In time. (And I also know how the phrase “it will get better in time” means absolutely SHIT right now…but it does turn out to be true.)
You are still getting through the first year. Of course your 25ths are going to be very hard right now. And the one year mark, coming very soon, will be hard. Don’t get discouraged when things feel really shitty, because that’s what’s supposed to happen. You have to feel all the crap in order to deal with it, and then you can get through it.
You are doing an AMAZING job. Maddie is such a beautiful, happy baby. She is so lucky to have you for a dad.
*hugs*
You continue to make her more and more real to those of us who never had the opportunity to meet her, and to Madeline, who will really benefit from all of your details. She was absolutely gorgeous, Matt. Virtual hugs from Dallas. I wish I’d had the chance to hear that wonderful laugh that you can only imagine in your wedding photo.
As usual, it’s another amazing tribute to the love you have for Liz and Madeline! Two amazing women who need YOU to be the link that holds them together and you are doing such an incredible job doing just that! The wedding picture is the most beautiful picture ever ~ such a great shot! What was making her laugh, can you remember?
Moments like that are so painful and so wonderful at the same time.
Just wanted to send a quick note to say we’re thinking of you. I’ve been in a funk lately (not that anyone else who saw us would know) and our safe little bubble has been popped more often and more easily. Somehow I thought three years into this journey, it might get easier. It’s not, it’s just hard much less often, although the hardness hits like a ton of bricks.
Not that you needed to know all that, but I get how seemingly little things can take you to a place of rememberance, sadness, joy, grief, and a million other emotions all in the time span of a few seconds.
Madeline is an amazingly beautiful girl who is really lucky to have a dad like you. What a joy she is! Liz is incredibly proud I am sure.
Sending you even more peace and light, Nena and Reese
I forgot to say, this is an incredibly difficult journey you are on. No apologies necessary for what you need to do to cope and be okay. Be gentle with yourself.
Matt, I have been reading your blog for so long now and have never known what to say because everyone else usually says what I am thinking. Just wanted to thank you for your blog b/c it really enlightens me and even in your sadness you seem to find a way to shine, even if you do not think so. Thank you Matt! And Maddy is so freakin cute (looks just like Liz and you too!)!
wtf….she got stuff from TIFFANY’s!!! lil shit! =) picture of the wedding is incredible
Wow, what a beautiful picture! I want to know what you said there to have everyone laughing.
Geez, it is amazing how smells can ignite grief.
Matt,
that pic of Liz is just magical!
gawd i love that photo…..
For me that smell is not a tree, but her perfume. I’ve made the mistake of opening the bottle exactly twice and have caught a whiff of it in public about as often. Each time the response has been the same.
Each of the three times my wife was in the hospital (including when our daughter was born), I stayed with her too. She asked me once why I didn’t stay with our daughter (who was with friends the latter two times) and I told her that our daughter would not remember my absence or need anything that her caretakers couldn’t provide, but that she (my wife) would notice my absence and need things her caretakers couldn’t provide. I never expected to be in a position where I was the one grieving her absence and needing things no one else around me can provide…
Thanks for sharing another beautiful post.
oooo…love the Tiffany’s bags…what lucky girls both Madeline and Liz are!
I have been reading your blog ever since you were on Rachel Ray. Thank you again for sharing your story. Your are awesome and amazing and Maddie and Liz are both the most beautiful girls I have ever seen – inside and out.
I love that picture from your wedding… we should all feel such evident joy and love, like Liz obviously had for you and you for her.
The moments, the memories… they will hit hard but eventually, they become a sweet and wonderful reminder. Be well.
Beautiful post Matt. Did you ever remember what you said on your wedding day? That photo is just stunning. Thinking of you and Maddy as always.
Take care,
Debbie
Matt said: “those dates just refuse to go away, so they’re forever linked. at least in my head.”
You have no idea how lucky you are to have them in your head, and now written down to look at some day. Someday you’ll be sitting there, in a silent car, and try to pinch a tear out. You’ll freak out that you actually went ONE HOUR without thinking about her. And you’ll feel guilty. And that, my dear Matt… is OK. Part of this lousy process.
But you’re making your way through it, and might I say, in a most admirable way. I don’t think you know how well you’re grieving. (if there is such a thing/way)
Just another reason that Lizzy is looking down at you guys, thinking “feck… I knew I trained him right. ” Rock on.
I heart you. If all most people were half as kind as you are…we’d be all right.
Beautiful memories of a really special relationship. You did well by her and continue to do so.
If it’s hard for me to read this, about a man & a woman I’ve never met in person, I can only imagine how hard it is for you to type.
Many prayers for you, Matt!
That picture is perfection, Matt!
WOW THAT WAS A POWERFUL POST. ITS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT FUCKING FAIR……CAN I SAY THAT OUT LOUD.LIZ WAS AN AMAZING PERSON YOU CAN SEE IT FROM THAT PICTURE………………HANG IN THERE…….LIZ IS WITH YOU AND ALL AROUND YOU ESPECIALLY IN MADDY…..LIFE CAN BE SO UNFAIR SOMETIMES AND ITS OK TO SAY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ONCE IN AWHILE. THE ONLY THING I CAN SAY IS YOU LOVED HER AND MOST PEOPLE WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE A LOVE LIKE YOU GUYS HAD. FEEL WARM IN YOUR HEART THAT YOU HAD HER IN YOUR LIFE
Geez, this post today was a very emotional one for me to read. That photo exzudes (sp?) such joy, love, laughter and sweet sadness. A joy is certainly felt for you in that you were able to live that moment with such a beautiful soul. Those memories, so fresh in your mind . . . Thank goodness for those little ones. They seem to make everything right with the world.
Matt, I can’t imagine how you feel. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. Seek comfort in your little one, and keep Liz alive in your memories. It’s ok to feel sad on the anniversary, I’m sure lots of us will be thinking of you, if only that could lighten your load. Sending you and Maddy hugs all the way from Boston..
-Cindi
I love that picture. I think it perfectly sums up everything you’ve ever told us about who Liz was…her personality, her joie de vivre, her love for you. When I think of her, I will think of her in that moment…which was clearly one of the happiest days of her life….
By the way, it is 3 fucking degrees here in the MN – yep, 3. And it probably feels like -20 or some ridiculous thing like that! Spring starts when??
((((((Matt)))))))) and ((((((Maddie)))))))
Those are hugs. I don’t even know what to say. I love the pictures and I love reading your story. I’m sorry you’re going through all this.
Liz picked the same bridesmaid dresses that I wanted – nice choice
Thanks for sharing another beautiful pic.
That picture took my breath away. Maddy looks SO much like Liz.
That wedding photo is beautiful. I’m glad you have it. I’m glad you shared it with us.
You’re in my thoughts.
j.
First of all that picture from your wedding is awesome. In your post you said “I wish I could go back there even for a moment” That thought has run thru my mind at least a million times over the past 9 months. What would I do different had I known she would be gone in a flash????As much as I would like a moment with her it still wouldn’t be enough time. I don’t think there would ever be enough time with the ones we lost. I only wish my daughter(an yours) had time to feel the love their mothers had for them.Unless you have been there nobody knows the pain you are feeling. They say time will ease the pain, I don’t know about you but as time goes on the pain seems to get worse.
Jim
Matt,
Thanks for sharing this beautiful picture again! The look in Liz’s eyes is incredible and says more than a thousand words and feelings. And just think, you did that–she was looking at YOU like that!!! You should be so proud of yourself! Then, as you described picking Maddy up from daycare…I could just picture Liz’s look reflecting in Maddy’s eyes! You’re bringing Maddy happiness and joy, just as she brings it to you. You know a terrific love, how very very special of a man you are. I’m sorry you have to feel pain, yet we love to see the wonderfulness that it brings out in you–so glad Maddy is experiencing the joy her mother did, too. Take care, you have a lot of support helping to lift you extra this next month. Hang in there, we’re all helping you and Maddy. Enjoy your time in Mexico–you deserve whatever you want!
I really feel for you Matt… your loss of Liz but Maddy is so lovable and the image of Liz… count our blessings ppl always say… so true but it’s easier said than done cos. we are the ones going thru’ the pain and memories. God bless you and Maddy!
The good news/bad news is that you’ll have moments and triggers like this for a long, long time. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have them–not with as much frequency, however–for the rest of your life. I know I still do, even at 3 1/2+ years out. And now, they’re a gift: fresh memories and reminders of things that feel so present, so close about Charley…things can’t necessarily remember without the knock upside the head. I’m glad you had the gift of the vivid memories of your last days with Liz by stepping out to something as mundane as your garbage can–even if it simultaneously ripped the scab off the gaping wound too.
Hugs to you, my friend. Hang there. Be gentle with yourself.
That is a wonderful photograph though.
I hope it brings as many nice memories as it does sad ones.
Most of the time I just read. I have nothing I can say that’s a) original or that I feel b) would be insightful or helpful to you. That picture though Matt – the picture of Liz and the words, I felt tonight particularly, that we’re all a little poorer for there being no Liz around, but richer for her leaving meaning that we all get to know you and Maddy. Your life, your experience is actually nothing like hers and I’m sure that you’ve heard or read the Nienie Dialogues, but the way you manage to sound positive, even if you feel you’re not, well something of that tone reminds me of her posts. Despite everything, or perhaps because of it, the voice, your voice, is so strong.
It’s only 10 at night here in Melbourne, our two girls are long asleep and I should be too. I start work at 6am on Fridays so I can be there when the big girl finishes school, so there’s only one day when I’m not there. Our babe, her little sister, gets to play with gramp-gramp and granma and we all come home together. That’s what it’s all about – in the end – making the most of every moment and you are and you did seem to.
Goodnight.
the picture of Liz is absolutely wonderful!!!!! all weddings should be that way….love and laughter.
even after 32 years, sights, sounds, and smells bring up memories of my sister and my mom. they are hard to take in the beginning but also a lifeline to hang on to and then you love the memories (as hard as they are to cope with).
tiffany’s already? way to go!!!!!! how do you top that in later years?!!!!!! if you need to top it, i design jewelry….keep it in mind for later!!!!!!
you are doing well with coping (as hard as it is) and maddy will love all these posts as it will be the memories and the love that you had for each other that shine through to her. she will cherish that gift….my kids cherish each funny story of their aunt and grandma.
enjoy your time in mexico with maddy.
I like, what we in the social work world call, the positive reframe at the end. I can’t imagine how hard it is, but good for you!!
I am hearing that the memories like these are bittersweet-
Even beyond the sadness, I – a stranger- feels for the beauty around you, and the realization that it is being missed by someone very much deserving of beauty- and life…
I am still reminded-
Of my son who was born this time of year- and the words written by my partner when I gave birth.
He said -
“here’s to sprouting new life in the springtime..”
and he gave me seeds to plant-
Reading of your blossom’s- makes me think of your little blossom- and why Your Liz Liz was far away from her garden…
Sprouting new life in the springtime.
and even when it is smacking you in the face with delight- I am sure we agree there is few things as beautiful as that!
it’s the bittersweet memories that catch us off guard and throw us for a little loop-the-loop. hold onto the memories and relish in them. *hugs and thoughts of you and maddy, as always.
Thank you for sharing your Liz with us. Your memories. Your lives. Your love. It is a great gift to the world.
Hang in there.
Just try and consider those types of things as blessings. They will keep your memories fresh and help your heart heal. The fresher the memories are in your mind the more they will mean to Maddy.
I love that picture of Liz. What a beautiful bride!
It is funny how little things make our brains remember little moments in our lives. It brings it back crashing down. The other day I stepped outside and smelled the air and it brought all my memories back from my chemo I did last spring. It was like traveling back in time.
There is a song by Faith Hill called your still there. It is a powerful song. You would really get it!
In Those little things Liz is there, right there with you for that one moment. but she is still there in your heart and in Maddy.
I Love the photo of your wedding. You can really SEE Liz in the picture, what she was like. How precious a gift to have it.
Sorry it is called your still here
It sounds like a bittersweet memory, but at least your daughter will be here to enjoy the flowers with you this year.
What an amazing photo of Liz. Just looking at it I can tell what a special, special person she was. And, the flowers. I can only imagine how things like this must transport you every day. Although the pain must be unbearable, it’s wonderful that you’re capturing all of this for Madeline to read.
Hope you are both having a good day today.
Dearest Matt,
I am so sorry I made you cry. I was afraid that might happen. But I’m happy you found a forgotten photo and that all of us are able to share Liz’s essence with you.
Thinking of you every day.
That photo is gorgeous!
It is incredible what our senses do to us. I think this story will help Madeline know her mother because it can give her something she can smell that she can associate with her. I know it is getting close to the 25th and we’re all thinking of you.
Dear Matt,
While standing in line in a coffee shop this morning, I saw that the total purchase for the woman in front of me came to $77.77. How random is that? I immediately thought of your lovely Liz and I smiled. Then I thought of you and beautiful Maddy and I smiled more. My wish for you today, and every day, is lots of smiles, laughter, and happy memories.
I absolutely LOVE that photo…it shows her personality and how you must’ve made her laugh. (I’d love to know what you said that cracked her up!)
I think that you’re probably going to find that there are always things that will remind you of her…the grapefruit tree, a song, a certain flower, different things about Madeline as she grows up, the scent of a certain perfume or soap or shampoo…I think it’s wonderful yet bittersweet that you can be reminded of her, the wonderful woman she was, and the love that the two of you shared. I know the pain is still so fresh and at times probably overwhelming…I’m very impressed with your ability to cope and to turn things into positives by loving your daughter all that much more. In time, some of the pain may diminish, but I hope the memories stay with you…the smells, the sights, the sounds, the love and the laughter. Having her in your life was a beautiful thing, and you should cherish what you had with her forever. It’s okay to let yourself cry. But I know in my heart that she would want you to think of the happy times and smile too.
hugs from us in NC….
I miss Liz. I really do eventhough I never met her. But I feel like I know a part of her from your stories and pictures of her. My heart aches for not having her here anymore, so I can imagine your pain and sorrow seems crushing at times. The world just doesn’t seem right when such a wonderful, vibrant person was taken away at the worst possible time. I’ll never understand that and I’m mad for you, for Madeline, for her family, friends, etc. If I could have one wish granted in the world, it would honestly be to bring her back to you.
PS- I wish I could have a grapefruit tree. Sounds wonderful, but it would never survive in my climate
(
Matt- that photo of liz is simply beautiful.
That grapefruit tree sounds awesome, after reading this, I have a weird craving to go smell one. Haha, anyway, hang in there… you’re doing great!
How powerful some things are in our memory. Each year at this time, the blooming tree will remind you of Liz. Someday, I hope that it makes you smile for the pleasant thought instead of cry for the loss that is still so fresh.
What do I say that hasn’t already been said. I began reading your blog about one month ago. I stayed up one night (all night) and read the entire thing. It was positively the most intriguing, heartbreaking, loving, fantastic, and happy story all rolled into one. I laugh, cry, frown, and smile with every post. Maddy is is astonishingly gorgeous (as well as her mom) and they are both lucky as hell to have known you and to have you. I eagerly await every single post now and I will be thinking of you on the “25th” every single month. I can’t help myself. Keep on begin a great dad. Madeline is one lucky chick!
What a beautiful wedding picture, make me wonder what you said that was so funny, but from reading your posts I would bet it was hilarious. Liz absolutely radiates happiness and love in that photo. I can see why you cried when looking at it. It brings tears to my eyes as well. It’s amazing how 1 single smell can trigger a memory from almost a year ago. It may hurt, but in a weird way that’s wonderful. Even the small memories are great memories. I’m sure Maddy will love that you have them and will be able to share them with her one day.
Matt – This blog is going to be such a great life story of Liz for Maddie to one read and experience. This is the best gift you can give to her to share her mom and your life with her mom.
My thoughts out to you!
Just read this. Very poignant. Wish I could smell the flowers. Love grapefruit.
Love to you and your little one, man. Love you.
Matt:
My daughter “Julie” died 8 hours after the
Doctors took her little girl by C-Section. One of her roommates from college who now teaches in Kuwait saw you on Rachel Ray and emailed me about you. She said it all remininded her so much of what happened to our Julie. Julie died November 25, 2002. She had a wonderful husband that lives 3 hours away but has allowed us to stay involved in Mary Lauren’s life. He calls us almost every day and I get her every other weekend. Driving 4 1/5 hours round trip down to pick her up and then taking her back 2 days later. I don’t think Julie’s Daddy, Me or her sister could have made it through the tragedy without his love for us and knowing the love he had for my Julie. Mary Lauren looks and acts like her Mommy. She wants to know everything about her Mommy. I try to tell her all the wonderful things about her Mommy. Julie’s Daddy was already diagnosed with Cancer in 2000. Julie was attending NC State University at the time but came home when her Daddy was given 3-6 months to live.. she said that she would never leave us… stayed home for a year.. then her Daddy talked her in to going back to school. She and her husband traveled back and forth from Raleigh, NC to Madison, NC on the weekends. Her Daddy battled his cancer for 5 years and 1 day.. he passed away 2 years after Julie in 2005. But what counts now is they are together in heaven waiting for us. The other thing is that God let our beautiful little granddaughter live and she is such a big part of Julie. She has a wonderful Daddy who remarried 2 years ago and actually asked that I walk down the aisle as his 2nd Mom. I new that my Julie would have wanted me to do that. He is the son that we never had. If Liz’s parents are living please make them a big part of your little girls life. It will never fill the hole in our heart but it will definitely help ease the pain. Matt I would love to talk to you sometime. Your and Liz’s baby girl is beautiful. You remind me so much of my son-in-law. God Bless You Both
I just finished reading your blog =] Very touching story, Thanks for sharing it for everyone but mostly for Maddy I know it will mean so much to her as she grows up to have so many memories of both her parents written down, dated and with pictures! You’re doing a great job and she’s lucky a little girl!
My mom passed away when I was 16. That was 14 years ago. And the memories never go away, which is good because I never want them too. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I see her all the time, in the way someone laughs or smiles. And now with 2 young kids I talk to them about her all the time. Even though they don’t understand yet, one day they will know how important she was in my life and everybody else’s. Madeline is lucky to have so many people who love her and to keep the memories alive foe her! Take care, Linda
that is a beautiful comment Robyn…
It really touched me..
and Matt- Sorry for the typo in mine- I know I *feel* at times like I know Liz- but I still don’t think i would go so far as to intentionally call her Liz Liz…heh
That photo is amazing. Really, amazing. I wish I could’ve heard what you were saying at that moment. Her genuine laugh, she must have adored you. Just like Maddy adores you. As an aside, I had no idea, but I work with the judge who married you two. Small world. Take good care.
Madeline is not much older than my son – I too am greeted by affectionate slaps to the face quite often!
I love your blog, Matt. I love the raw emotion and uncensored-ness of it. What a beautiful memory for Madeline to have as she grows. I rarely post, but think of you both often.
That is what the smell of wet and crunchy leaves in MN fall remind me of Tommy being in the hospital. It sucks, but then again feels so good to just sit in it and really feel it….I wonder why. Tom probably really appreaciates that smelly leaves remind me of his last days, while Liz gets sweet smelling grapefruit. Haha. He would say it figures.
What strikes me is how complete your memories are. They have images and smells and unique feelings all attached to them. They seem…well, alive. I’m glad you had someone so wonderful in your life, and that her beauty and sweetness lives on in Maddy.
Hi Matt,
I was one of Liz’s nurses on the antepartum unit. I used to eat the grapefruit you mentioned around 3 in the morning. I love to see the pictures of Maddy… she is so beautiful! I still think of your family, and I hope you’re doing well.
Fragrances can really transport you back to days that a lot of times would be hard to remember! Just the way you describe this tree almost makes me think I can really smell it too…
You are a strong man… ohh lord I can’t even imagine the heartache inside of that heart of yours =/
I love the wedding photo. Liz’s smile and spirit lives on. Madeline is truly a gift. Thanks for sharing and being a true source of inspiration.
I think the most wonderful thing about this post is that you loved Liz with every inch of your body while she was alive and you showed her this!! You cry for her now because of these memories, scents etc, but be thankful that you showed her at every chance you got, that you loved her while she was living. I think that is so beautiful. I hope to one day have such a wonderful man in my life who is strong enough to stomp on the stereotype that a man can’t be sensitive and show his lady what she means to him. Thank you Matt for being wonderful!
I’m fairly speechless.
Gorgeous Bride.
You made her so happy.
Her life was more special because you were in it.
so I can’t find that pik of you in the Snuggie (nor do I have time to dig) but here… Snuggie Pub Crawls:
http://www.snuggiepubcrawls.com/?Snuggie
brruhhhaaaaaa!!!!!!!
Matt,
I would love to make a hat for madeline to wear on her birthday. Are you spending her birthday at home? I would like to send it before you leave if you are going to be out of town. You can look at the hats on my blog. I know that you have said that she does not need anything for her birthday but this is for her to wear. If you think that she/you would like her to have one plesae get back to me so that i can send it ASAP. Thank you!
P.S cant wait to see the birthday pic’s.
I think the flowers were so strong in that moment because it was Liz just saying hello, just popping in as she does to remind you that she is always there looking over you and your daughter. Whenever something reminds you of her, or of a moment you shared, that’s Liz saying hello and how much she loves you.
It always stings my heart when I read about your pain when something like that happens. It is everyone’s worst fear and you’re living it and sharing it with us. You’re an incredible man and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of this.
While this is no where near the same experience …. I lost my mom when I was 17, my dad when I was 20 and … while it has been 12 and almost 9 years … I still feel an overwhelming sense of sadness on the anniversary of their death. A part of you left the living world, left your life and eveyrthing in it that day. I allow myself to feel every emotion I need to on those days, remembering that they meant so much to me and were taken so soon. You lost your everything and no one can expect you to feel any less than utter sadness on that horrible anniversary.
You know there are a million ears here to listen and read. Not the same, AT ALL, but still here for you.
Your post made me cry.
And all I keep thinking is how lucky your little angel is to have such a loving father.
(((hugs)))
Beautiful wedding photo. I can see how it made you cry, because from everything you’ve told that photo IS Liz. She is adoring you in that shot and you would have to be blind not to see that. Keep smiling and getting smacked around by your Princess…
What a beautiful picture of Liz for you to treasure! Your post made me cry!
I just want to wish Maddy a very Happy Birthday today! I know there are a lot of people out there who love her dearly! Happy Birthday Maddy!!
GOD matt I could never imagine the idea of how much pain that first year must have had for you I have seen others lose loved ones and just give up but you kept going when maddy grows up and reads the words that you have wrote she will see the love you have for both her and her mother through your loss you have inspired many others to hang in there just one more day .
when I first read your story in People Mag in the therapist office I had to come home and read more each entry has brought tears to my eyes .
thank you and maddy for sharing with so many
and
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADDY
this is soo sad. im truly sorry. you must get that alot.