feb. 25

feb. 25

yes.

11 months ago.

dates are arbitrary

in the scheme

of things, but

the memories associated

with those dates

just refuse to

go away,

so they’re forever linked.

at least in

my head.

plus i have a

fucking “25” tattoo

on my right wrist,

hard to miss

when i woke

this morning and

lifted madeline from

her playpen.

on the way to

work i

got an e-mail

from an old

friend, with a photo

from my wedding.

i don’t remember

seeing it before.

it was beautiful.

i know i posted it

on the day,

but here it

is again.

i don't know what i said, but it must have been hilarious.

that photo

is

liz.

i sat in the

the parking lot

at work and

stared at it.

then i cried.

this is not

a good way

to start the day.

managed to get through

the rest of the

without losing my shit

then drove

really fast to

pick maddy up

from daycare.

it was a relief

to have her

back in my arms,

doing what she

does every day

when i pick her up…

excitedly smacking me

in the face.

we got home and

she played with

the packaging from

her valentine’s day gifts.

playing with her valentine's day gifts.

then she played

the piano over

a couple of the

jazz records i

bought last week.

she finally fell asleep,

which is good,

because i had a lot

of stuff to do.

spent the evening

digging through stacks

of paperwork to

try to find a

few documents i

really needed.

this is great.

not only did

i find what

i was looking for,

i also started the

huge task

of cleaning off

my dining room table.

took small mountains

of trash out to

the outdoor trash containers.

in the darkness,

underneath the grapefruit

tree, i was transported

back almost exactly

a year.

yes…

a year ago today,

liz

was still at

home on bedrest.

but that smell…

holy shit.

some of the most

fragrant flowers i’ve

ever encountered.

and tonight they are

just starting to

blossom, but

i remember when

the entire tree

was filled with

flowers last year.

liz

was in the hospital,

and i would

return each afternoon

with a bag filled

with grapefruit for

the nurses,

a few small branches,

covered with

flowers from the

tree for

liz,

and stories about

how this wonderful

tree was completely

masking the shit

smell coming from

the leaking septic system

on the hill above

our neighbor’s house.

with the flowers

i brought to

her each afternoon,

she got to

experience just

a small portion of

what was hitting

me each morning

when i stopped

home to take

a shower

(i slept tried to sleep at the hospital on the most uncomfortable fold-out chair, every single night because i refused to be away from her for even one night),

before heading

to work,

and each afternoon

when i stopped

to pick up the

mail before heading

back up to

the hospital.

she loved this house

for all the

trees and flowers

in the yard.

at the most wonderful

time of the year,

she was stuck in

a fucking hospital bed,

unable to enjoy

the things

she loved so much.

tonight.

11 months to

the day after

she died,

i was reminded

of those moments

and wished

i could back there

for one fucking moment.

i guess i sort

of did tonight,

in my mind,

thanks to that tree.

Copyright © 2007-2012 matt, liz and madeline. All rights reserved. This blog may not be reproduced on any other site without the expressed written consent of Matt Logelin.