feb. 26.

less than a

month away.

then what?

today maddy played with

some of the

jewelry i purchased

to replace the stuff

liz

had stolen from her

last year.

and today was

the day that my

bob ross painting

came home.

i need to find

an empty wall.

i think

liz

would suggest one

of the walls in

the garage.

next to

the wesley willis drawing,

the jeff mangum drawing,

and the dcb drawings.

(i should really bring all of those in the house).

feb. 27.

friday.

the days can

get a little boring

when we’re not

traveling, but then

i finish the work

day and maddy and

i go home and

play as if we

don’t have a care

in the world.

in those moments,

i don’t.

feb. 28.

saturday.

we’ve been in the

house too long.

decided we’d go

visit our friends in

joshua tree.

nice long drive

with the robot

and maddy,

the longest one

she has ever

been on,

during which we listened

to a lot of glen campbell.

(i have no idea why i’ve been listening to him so much lately).

actually, she slept

the entire drive,

which sucks,

’cause it would have

been nice to

hear her singing voice.

on the way,

we drove past

the exit for

liz’s

college.

i thought about

all the times i

came out to

visit her,

the shuttle from

lax, east on the 10,

exit #47.

a few miles

toward the mountains

and there i was.

in the one

place i wanted

to be.

and now?

just memories.

that’s all i

have left.

arrived in joshua tree,

a place we always

planned to visit.

met up with

alaina and benjamin,

did a little walking

around their home

for the weekend,

and discovered evidence

that there

were hipsters way

back in the 70s.

then we headed

down the road

for some snacks,

but not before

running into

these guys:

then maddy played

in the middle of

a dirt road.

from there we

went into the

desert for some photos.

then the robot

got in on

the action.

from there we drove

out to keys view

and took

in the scenery

later we drove

to the spot

near where one

of the best rock & roll

death stories

of all time.

(it’s actually the post-death part that’s most interesting).

we always wanted to

go to this place.

now i am here.

it’s not as romantic

as one may expect,

but nothing about

death actually is.

alaina and benjamin

got a little tired

so we drove them

back to their

place for a nap,

and maddy and i

continued our adventure.

we stopped off

for a little lunch

then stopped along

the way,

putting my camera

remote and tripod

to use.

it was almost

time for the sun

to set,

so we headed

to the house,

where we sat and

watched it disappear

behind the mountains.

a quick dinner

with our friends

and then it was

back to los angeles.

one thing i can

say about madeline

is that she’s

a quiet travel companion.

once again,

she slept the

entire way home.

that gave me

a lot of time

to think.

and that’s something

i’m not all

that interested in

doing these days.

march 1st.

sunday.

how did we

get this

far so quickly?

it seems to me

that the anticipation

is going to

be worse than

the actual anniversary.

and i know

that shit will

not be magically better

when march

26th rolls around.

but still…

can’t we just skip

right to the

24th,

then on to april?

woke up and

spent the day

playing with maddy

and cleaning up

the house.

eventually alaina and benjamin

arrived from their

joshua tree trip

and hung out with us.

madeline introduced benjamin

to the red balloon and

paddle to the sea.

then it was time

to head to griffith

park for our play date.

some familiar faces

as well as a ton

of new ones.

maddy had a great time

playing with everyone,

but got a little

fussy toward

the end of the day.

her nose was

running, so

it looks like she

picked up

a cold from

one of her

snot-nosed brethren

at daycare.

we went home,

ordered in some

thai food then

said goodbye to

our buddies.

maddy whined until

she finally fell asleep

around 10:00,

then i spent the

rest of my night writing.

monday.

march 2nd.

we stayed home sick.

madeline was

definitely out of

sorts, and i felt

like shit,

both physically and mentally.

we took it easy

on the couch,

listening to some

records and trying to

keep from coughing.

neither one of us

slept that night.

this is where

things get really hard.

no tag-team partner

whose hand i

can slap to

enter the ring…

that means there’s

no sharing, no alternating

of responsibilities.

with half-opened eyes

and a

sickness of my own,

i have to rub madeline’s

back consoling

her until she

falls back asleep.

then i have to lay

awake for

the next few hours

watching enough

adult swim programing

to keep me from

thinking about

liz.

and then i worry about

what i”m gonna do

if this madeline’s illness

continues for

a few days?

or what if mine

gets worse?

i can’t tell

liz

it’s her turn.

and i can’t leave

her with anyone

while i go

off to work.

yes.

i worry about

all of this.

and just when i’m

ready to pass out

from the

pure exhaustion

of everything that

weighs down upon me,

madeline is up

again, crying and

quite literally,

climbing the walls.

and after all

of this

i still have to

wake up

in the morning,

get us both ready

to get out the door,

and be a functioning,

(somewhat) professional adult

at my job.

yes.

it’s fucking difficult,

but i wouldn’t

trade it for anything

in the world.

but i must say that

a little

night time help

would me tremendous right

about now.

tuesday,

march 3.

no sleep,

but maddy seems

a little better

than yesterday

and i need to

go to work.

i figure i’ll drop her

off at daycare

and at the

very worst, she’ll perpetuate

the sickness cycle

that probably originated

there in the first place.

so that’s what

we did.

off to daycare,

off to work.

that night i gave

maddy some motrin

to help ease

her pain.

there was nothing

for me

to take,

so i sat in bed

and read.

march 4th.

wednesday.

same thing that

happened on tuesday

happened again

on wednesday.

and that night

i realized that a

year ago

i was blissfully unaware

of how significantly

my life would

change over the

next three weeks.

march 5th

thursday.

one year ago today,

liz

walked down

the front steps

of our house

for the

last time.

we would both

go to work,

then visit the doctor

in the late afternoon.

we would hear

that her amniotic fluid

was low,

that the umbilical

cord was around

maddy’s neck,

and that

liz

needed to go

to the hospital

immediately.

we worried

for our baby.

fuck.

how do i stop

from thinking about

all of this shit?

why do

i do this to myself.

i think it’s because

i’m trying to

hold on to

those last moments,

whatever they

are, even if

they open up

wounds that can’t

be closed.

fuck this.

we’re both still

feeling like shit,

but i have to

take care of some things

at work.

so we went through

the motions once again.

maddy spent the

evening crawling

around the house,

pulling herself up

using the coffee table

for leverage,

and i watched her

do it,

knowing that she’s

my coffee table.

friday.

march 6.

today i got

a call from maddy’s

daycare suggesting

that i take her

to the doctor.

the call came at

the end of my

work day, so i didn’t

have to worry

about asking to

take off again.

i got her

a last-minute appointment

and we sat

in the “sick”

waiting room for

a few minutes

talking to the nurses

until her name

was called.

a different doctor

this time

(that’s what happens when you call at the last minute).

an ear infection and

a nasty cold.

off to the pharmacy.

learned that the

pharmacy can add

a variety of flavors

to a child’s medicine

for a $2.00 fee.

two things:

1. where the hell was this shit when i was a kid?
2. i can’t believe they charge you $2 for this.

they may as well

have charged me $100,

’cause i’m gonna

do whatever it

takes to make this

medicine swallowing thing

a lot easier

on my favorite daughter.

got home

and tried to give

her the medicine.

it seems that

i picked the

wrong flavor,

because i spent the

next few minutes

holding her

arms down with

my knees,

while trying

to keep her

head still

with my elbows as

i squirted all

of the medicine

into her mouth

(i wish i could have gotten some video of this…kind of resembled a game of twister).

again…some help

here would have

been nice.

someone to hold

her down,

or at the very least,

someone to play

the good guy afterwards,

the one who didn’t

just spray her

tongue down with

orange-flavored medicine,

to hold her and

make her feel better.

after what i

just did to

her, the last thing

she wanted me

to do was

hug her and rub

her back.

new term for

maddy’s anger:

medicine pissed.

(not quite robot pissed, but pretty fucking close).

she finally went to

sleep and i

was finally alone

with this…

a year ago,

sometime in the middle

of the night,

some nurses came in

and told us that

maddy was coming out.

huh?

we thought

liz

was just here

to rest.

nope.

heart rate dropping,

too much trouble.

time to

come out.

we had no idea

this would happen

so suddenly.

this is what i wrote,

back then.

how very optimistic

of me.

and with that,

this all began…

the blog,

the fear,

my gray hair.

i never imagined we’d

be here.

fuck.