on april 16th,
i flew to the
island of oahu
with madeline.
we were there to
celebrate the wedding of
one of
liz’s
best friends in
the whole wide world,
maleeda.
all of her best
friends from college
were there.
i was honored to
be invited,
but i anticipated it
being a tough trip.
we arrived and i
was instantly transported
back in time.
i had been
here before.
we
had been here before.
shit.
now…
i knew
that i had taken
five trips to
hawaii with
liz,
but i can never
remember which
island is which,
and i was unsure
that i had ever
been to this one,
that is,
until i hit
that baggage claim area.
it was a few
years ago.
liz
was working on oahu,
and instead of
flying home to
see me for my birthday,
she flew me to
her.
maddy and i
jumped in a cab
and the memories
continued to kick
me in the stomach.
i remembered the highway,
i remembered the street
lined with high-end shops.
i remembered the
hotels along the beach.
and as we pulled
into the driveway
of the hotel i had
chosen online,
i looked across the
street and
saw the hotel
we
stayed in all
of those years ago.
fuck.
maddy and i went up
to our room.
a corner room,
looking out at that
other hotel
from my past.
i remember us standing
on the balcony
of that hotel,
i even have
two photos
of the moment,
but i won’t share them.
liz’s
eyes were closed
in both of them
(this was in my pre-digital slr camera days so my timing often sucked)
and i can just
hear her telling
me to delete the photos.
maddy and i got invited to
a dinner with
the girls and
some of their friends.
i declined.
i just couldn’t do it.
not today.
instead
and spent the evening
walking around.
we spent a little
time on the beach,
just the two
of us,
watching the sunset.
it got dark
so we headed
back to the hotel.
on the walk back
i heard some street
musicians playing a
decidedly hawaiian version
of that awful fucking
jason mraz song,
the same song that
seems to be playing
every time i step
foot in the cafeteria
at work.
my hatred for
that song kept me
from thinking about
that other hotel
as we passed it
on the way to ours.
i only remembered that
i had walked by
it when i sat
down to enjoy
my room-service burger.
asleep by 10:30pm.
april 17th.
up and out the
door at 5:00am.
it seems that madeline
hasn’t quite caught
on to this whole
time change thing.
it has been easy,
this travel thing,
because we always head
east on our trips.
because of that,
maddy always ends
up sleeping in.
not this time.
this is the first
destination that has
been west of los angeles,
so when 4:30am local
time rolled around,
maddy thought it
was 7:30a.
ouch.
well, it’s still
dark outside so it
means we haven’t
missed the sunrise.
again, just the
two of us,
we walked along
the beach,
stopping where we
stopped last night.
madeline listened
to some guy play bagpipes
while he stood at
the water’s edge.
i considered him
a fraud because
he was wearing shorts
and not a kilt.
we kept walking
and i kept
taking photos
after our walk
we sat down to
a great breakfast.
after breakfast we
took a short
nap then we
met up with
stranger friend, jess and
her daughter macy
for a little lunch.
the little girls
spent most of
the time throwing
their food on the
floor while their
parents talked.
after lunch we took
a short stroll with
our new friends.
maddy turned to thievery
and when it was
all over,
macy still wanted
to be friends,
offering to
hug madeline.
maddy ignored the
offer and went
back to her
thieving ways.
after we said goodbye,
maddy and i
retired to the
poolside bar
at our hotel
for an afternoon drink.
i also learned that
madeline’s new true
love is pineapple.
after our drink
we met up with
liz’s
friend and former coworker,
kara and her son, drew.
maddy and drew
did a little flirting
while i talked to kara.
we didn’t have
a lot of time to
catch up,
but it was nice
to see her after
a few years.
from there
we boarded a bus
for the rehearsal dinner.
maddy hung out
with the girls
while i had
a rather unpleasant
phone conversation
with someone.
liz’s
friend, annie
spent too much
time retrieving
golf balls
thrown by madeline,
and not enough
time drinking wine.
after the dinner
we headed back
to the beach
for some drinks.
maddy passed out
in annie’s arms
but eventually woke
up and outlasted
many of the
adults at the party,
including me.
i was exhausted so
i pried her away
from the ladies
and the two
of us head back to
the hotel for
some sleep.
all-in-all it was
a great evening,
but i could really feel
liz’s
absence tonight.
april 18th.
madeline woke up
early, but not
as early as yesterday.
i love this child
and her adaptability.
we spent the
morning making the
waitress at the
restaurant cry,
(she asked why we were eating without my baby’s mother)
hanging out together on
the balcony
and playing on the beach.
after throwing a
lot of sand
up in the air
and into her
hair, it was
time to head back
to the hotel for
a bath and
then a nap.
after a short nap,
our friends, jess and macy
picked us up
and drove us to
the one record store
in all of hawaii
that was participating in
record store day.
the store was a disappointment
(they didn’t order any of the exclusive releases i wanted to pick up).
the good news is
that i found a
gift for my cousin, josh
and we had a
ton of fun
with our newest friends.
jess and macy dropped
us off and
then it was time
to get ready for
the wedding.
i’m of course
going tie-less
because i still
don’t know how
to tie one and
my wife is
no longer here
to curse and assist me.
but my tie-less neck
will not be noticed.
just look at this
daughter of mine:
the outfit came
from a good friend
in india,
and i’ve been waiting
for the day that
maddy could actually
fit into it.
today was that day.
we got a
photo together,
and then we
were off to the wedding.
we took our
seat in the
sun and as the bride
started walking
down the aisle,
maddy started to squirm
and make some noise.
shit.
we retreated and
i kept one
eye on maddy
and the other on
the wedding.
i knew that
she
would have been
up there with
the others,
and i would have
been here doing
what i am doing
and i kept it together
until i looked
down and noticed
liz’s
name listed on
the wedding program.
…
after the wedding
maddy took her
mom’s
place in the photo
(as i look at the photo and think about the sentence i just wrote, i figured that someone reading this may take the sentence literary and think that kevin would have been holding liz, but the visual made me laugh out loud so i’m leaving everything as-is).
then i sat down at
a table and watched
madeline chew
on a fan
and show off
her smile.
we took a
few photos
then it was time
to say goodbye
for a bit.
maddy was off
to hang out with
a couple of
other kids and a babysitter
while i enjoyed
my evening.
first dinner, then
a slide show of
photos, some of
which included
my wife,
smiling away.
i looked around the
room and everyone
else in the
photos was standing
there at the reception.
everyone but
her.
that was a rough
and lonely
fucking moment.
i spent the
night chatting,
drinking and trying
to avoid getting
dragged onto
the dance floor by
liz’s
friends, all of whom
know how
much i hate the thing.
despite the tears
i dropped earlier,
i had a ton
of fun spending time
with the ladies.
it was nice to
see everyone smiling
and laughing,
’cause the last time
we were all
together, there was
little to smile
or laugh about.
the evening ended
and i retrieved my
sleeping child from
the babysitter.
we headed back
to our hotel,
the night
ending in silence.
no one to
talk to.
at least
no one who
would talk back.
i really, really missed
her
tonight.
april 19th.
we spent the morning
recovering from
our night,
then we met up
with the ladies
to say a
quick goodbye.
maddy knocked down
a bottle while
in auntie annie’s arms
then she showed
off her legs
as auntie anya
hugged her.
we said goodbye
to auntie ari,
and to
auntie maleeda and kevin,
and we left for
the airport.
airline trip number 18
for madeline.
by the time
this flight lands in
cincinnati, maddy will have
earned frequent flyer
miles in three
different airline mileage programs.
holy shit.
that thought made me smile.
(quick programing note)
our good friends, chrissy and jack are coming to los angeles and maddy and i will be joining them for chrissy’s
book reading…
you should join us if you’re in southern california…
7:00pm at the borders in torrance.
3700 Torrance Blvd
Torrance, CA 90503
hope to see you there…
224 Comments
Maddy will start talking… before you know it she’ll be a good conversationalist. It will change your world. I do intend to meet you at some point. I want to be in a young widow/widower’s club… not necessarily a support group but something we all paid too dearly to qualify for. Shall we start a chapter?
Wow…once again, beautiful photos.
And once again, I can only imagine the wide range of emotions that you must be going through on a daily basis.
The good thing is that you seemed to have a LOT of people there wanting to be there for you and Maddy who loved Liz a lot. There has to be some great comfort there….somewhere.
beautiful pictures…as always.
maddie has become quite the little traveler (I’m jealous. ha.)
FIRST?
BWWWAHAHAHAHAAH
Damn ~ What a trip. Glad you went though – it would be too easy to just not…
And you are right – I was totally laughing at the thought of Liz being held by Kevin! BWWWAHAHAAA
holy crap. first comment. have to say something. Maddie is perfect. love her pretty smile…it is just like my Mazie’s (same age). good job Daddy. someone prob beat me to it
I am from Torrance, but now live in Las Vegas =[ Too bad, would have loved to meet you guys. For now I will stick to reading the blog and smiling at my computer. You are awesome…and many compliments on Madeline’s adorable outfits!
I love all the photos… I’ve never been to Hawaii, but it’s definitely near the top of my list.
Sorry you were feeling lonely… I hope tonight brings you lots of smiles
Sounds like an awesome trip. I’m glad that you were able to go and take Maddy…even though Liz was missed. What beautiful photos.
My husband and I speak of you guys often. He told me yesterday that he thinks of you every single day and wonders how you do it. We were in the discussion because his sister has had breast cancer for a year and a half and found out on Monday that the cancer has spread to her liver, lungs and muscle/skin tissues. She is going to try some experimental stuff, but it looks like things have progressed very quickly and her husband may soon be in the same position to be raising two children on his own. Although they are 13 and 16 years old now. It used to be that his sister said that she was going to beat this and live to see them both get married and have their own children. Now her wish is just to see her son (16) graduate and to see her daughter go to the prom.
I hope that for her too…
You are a true inspiration to those facing your situation and I’m so glad that I found your site so long ago. You’ve given me a lot to think about and be thankful for…
She’s getting so big! She’s starting to look like a cute little toddler instead of that sweet little baby girl.
I’m sorry it was a bit rough at times. I can’t imagine.
We ♥ you Matt! You’re doing a wonderful job.
With Maddy, you’ve always got a reason to smile….
Sounds like a very emotionally charged trip – a lot of memories. Liz is a lucky woman to have a man that loves her so much (I don’t like to use the word was – I don’t think death is final. She still IS.)
Your daughter is just precious – her eyes are stunning.
Thank you for sharing.
I wish I could be at the reading, as I work only a 5 minutes away, but can’t.
Chrissy is the reason I started blogging, so be sure to let her know that!!!
Maddy is BEYOND adorable in her wedding outfit.
Maddy’s dresses are so lovely. And the one she wore to the wedding was FABULOUS!
*hugs*
Wow, you had a busy couple of days. I am sure that the trip was difficult without Liz – will it ever get easier? I haven’t lost a spouse, but I have lost a child. And I go through many events/holidays when I just plain miss my son. Sucks.
Some of those pictures were just breathtaking. And the dress Maddy wore for the wedding is gorgeous! Great choice.
Glad you had a safe trip. Love the pics.
Your daughter is more beautiful than words. I never fail to read your posts and drop a few tears.
Hugs Always,
Tana
you’re amazing and your strength never ceases to amaze me.
now I NEED a trip to The Hawaii!
Glad you got through the trip in one (mental) piece. That had to be a bitch, to be reminded of Liz’s absence at every turn, even in a slightly foreign place where you’d think you’d get some (maybe just a little) relief from such emotions.
You all looked terrific. Liz would be proud of that stunning dress. My own wedding dress was not as beautiful as the dress Maddie was wearing. You are a great friend for doing the things that aren’t always the easiest but mean so much to everyone else. Keep up the fantastic work. Much love from Michigan!
Sounds like a bittersweet trip. *hugs* Maddy looks so much like Liz. A beautiful little girl.
i love maddy’s indian dress- great choice! i’m sure going to hawaii for the wedding was extremely difficult, but you gave liz’s friends an amazing gift.
hi-thank you for sharing this post. It sounds like a bittersweet trip. I can only imagine how sad it must have been to be there without your wonderful wife, but still be enjoying yourself with your beautiful Maddy, who looks more like her mommy every day. You are very brave and a wonderful daddy. I’m glad you took some time to yourselves on your first night there. Sounds like it was exactly what you both needed. Maddy will be so proud of you when she reads this one day. Take good care.
First thought when I saw Madeline’s bottle: You’re never too young to enjoy an umbrella drink! Love, love, love Madeline’s dress for the wedding! Looking forward to hearing about your next adventure…
I have been reading your blog for sometime, and I cannot tell you how much I enjoy it. I always laugh, and I usually cry. You are an awesome Daddy, and Maddie is SO lucky to have you. And I know that when Maddie does start talking, you will tell her even more about her Mommy. Then y’all can keep Liz’s memory alive together.
Oh and she is absolutely gorgeous! And I am always most impressed about how cute she is dressed.
It’s always a new adventure/emotional arse-kicking isn’t it? Glad you were able to laugh, but that description of you watching the photos made me sad. I would have wanted to give you a big hug.
I’m so sorry that Liz wasn’t there … yet so enchanted, as always, by the beautiful little girl who was.
Beautiful pictures, as usual. I went to Hawaii when I was younger (Maui), it was absolutely beautiful, as this one obviously was as well. I am not in SoCal, but I have read the book, and one love to go to the reading, that would be awesome. Hope Maddy has a good time w JD
I’m a huge fan of your photos always and these were totally up to par. Also I’m way in love with Maddie’s outfit from India, she is too adorable!
(ps if it’s the jason mraz song I think it is, that’s what my best friend has us walk down the aisle to at her wedding…sorry you hate it!)
Beautiful photos. Maddie is a cutie for sure. You are doing an awesome job with Maddie. I just love the outfits you dress her in. She always looks sooo adorable.
I love the idea of her taking her momma’s place in the photo, what a wonderful idea and beautiful way to honor her momma. You hang in there.
Matt, I just recently discovered your blog (which sounds like a trite word for this incredible experience/life/saga you share with us all). I am overwhelmed with what you are going through, amazed at how strong you are, and overjoyed by how beautiful and happy baby Maddie is. I’m so sorry you had a hard/good/fucking rough time at the wedding. Keep writing, we’ll keep reading. You’re not alone. (And the award for the cheesiest cliched comment goes to…)
Thanks for sharing this trip with us! Maddy looks like a real princess in that dress:)
Maddy looks beautiful as always!
Madeline is a gorgeous little girl! I can see a toddler face in her smile already. You’re a great dad, and Maddy will treasure all the photos and stories for you some day. She’ll love being in the same places her mother and father loved to be together.
I would love to squeeze that babies chubby little legs. She’s adorable. You are such a great dad..you and Maddie are lucky to have each other. I”m so sorry that you had some rough spots. I can’t imagine. xoxo
Your daughter is the most delicious baby I’ve ever seen — and I have had three of my own! My heart breaks for you that Liz cannot share in the joy of loving this darling, gorgeous baby, but you are doing her awfully proud. Somewhere, somehow, she is at peace knowing what a wonderful father you are.
I have a lump in my throat…. for your raw grief. You express it so that I can feel it. No way am I saying I feel it like you, but, someday when Maddy reads it she will know the love you have for her mother. I know the trip must have been so painful for you and yet you were willing to go through it for Liz and her friends. I may be crazy but, through your photos I can see what a loving daddy you are. I thank you for letting us go through this journey, as much as we can, with you…
I have a link on my blog for the foundation, did not think you would mind…
Thanks for sharing the awesome pictures! Hope to get to Hawaii in the future.
Madeline is gorgoeus as ever!
I just love the dress! What a perfect occasion to wear it for too. I’m sorry it was a hard day but I’m glad you had some fun.
we just got back from waikiki ourselves. lots of these pics look very familiar. maddy looked simply divine in her indian dress. you’re such a fab dad, matt.
Ok, I was about to cry with Maddy taking her mom’s place in the wedding party picture but you helped me out by making me giggle picturing Liz being held by the groom.
18 trips! Wow, I am 29 and I have only flown 4 times, lol
I’m sorry that was such a bittersweet trip. Hang in there guys.
i have a horrible lump in my throat and lots of tears – that has to be one of the most touching posts you have written matt. it is so tender and real, just how much you miss liz. this shit sucks and i don’t have to live it, i can only imagine how much you hurt. i’m thinking of you matt, and maddy of course, and all the other people in the world who has to deal with something shit like this. xx
I have noticed with each update that the hard days/times seem to be less frequent…I dont mean that the loss & pain is gone (or ever will be for that matter), just maybe that it is not so raw, I dont know, maybe this is coming out wrong…you just dont mention Tuesdays or the 25th as much. You seem to be focusing more on the good memories…I dont know…I will just shut up now because writing this in a comment rather that speaking it…it may be coming out all wrong & what I am trying to convey may be misunderstood.
Oh & I am currently reading Rattled & love it…I forgot how much I love to read since I have little time for it. My passion is sparked again & I am going to start to make time from now on.
It’s my first time commenting on your blog but I’ve been reading it for almost 6 weeks, since my husband died suddenly of a heart attack and left my two boys and I to find our way without him. Thank you for showing those of us who’ve lost the love of our life that it is possible to keep going. Maddy is beautiful and you are inspiring. I’ll keep reading.
Wow, what a trip on so many levels. And as always, such beautiful pictures. Thanks for sharing with us.
Matt,
I really enjoyed reading about your trip to the islands. My last trip with Joe was to Maui sans Paige. I understand too well the complete joy, yet the loneliness of moments. You love your child more than life, but get so thrown off track with doses of reality. Your wife, my husband are gone forever. Not one more conversation with them…I know that telling your friends, parents, and in-laws about Maddie is very special, but dam no one will care like your spouse. So I know how difficult it is not to have the one you love to speak to, and trying to speak to the deceased gets old quickly. I would give anything just to show Joe Paige’s report card. Matt those feelings don’t go away. I still just want Joe to see Paige doing all that she does. Tonight when I was tickling Paige I thought, Joe’s essence is in this child right now. I hope you can find some relief/peace that when you look at Maddie that Liz is shining through. I always use to think the first year you loose your spouse, it doesn’t even count, your so just trying to get through. This year you really start to grasp the enormity of the situation. I know there is such a safety zone for you and Maddie when you guys hang out and see the world together. Sometimes it is easier just to be together, with no one around. You realize that life will be ok and that you can wrap your mind around your new sense of normalcy. She has turned into a toddler so quickly….Amazing Job
Really good post.
That was an awesome wedding outfit, Maddy!
Maddie is getting so big. I can’t even imagine how much you miss Liz. Thanks for sharing.
I LOVE that dress! What a cute little kiddo!
madeline looks like the most beautiful mixture of the two of you. i can’t help but think her smile is there to help get you through those moments when you think you may not. maybe it’s god or the universe’s way of letting you know liz’s love is there to hold your hand and take the next step along your journey. there’s no book on life, you just gatta run with it (or run from it in the case of jason mraz songs) … and you’re doing a stunning job.
My heart just breaks for you. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I just hope that one day you will be able to be with all of Liz’s friends without feeling so lonely……you must have been an amazing husband…..Liz was so lucky to have your love. I know you don’t get sick of hearing it so ……YOU ARE A WONDERFUL DADDY!!! So sorry this trip was hard for you……I seriously can not even imagine the sadness you must feel. You guys are in my thoughts always.
Melissa
PS. I know you hate that Jason Maraz song….but oddly enough it had just become popular when I started reading your blog. It seems that every time I was looking at you and Liz’s old photos that song would come on at work, so now I associate that song with you guys. Sorry….you probably hate to hear that!
You are a good man Matt. I’m sure Liz would be so proud of the way you are raising your daughter. I’m going to wipe away my tears now and send you warm happy thoughts!
Maddy is getting HUGE, Matt! I am sure it is difficult to go through experiences like this without Liz, but she’d certainly be proud of you for having the strength and courage to go.
Sounds like the trip was bittersweet. Yeah, those time changes can get a kid completely out of sorts. I love the dress she wore to the wedding. Matt you are so strong! Loved the Jason Mraz comment…that’s so me …Maddie is so beautiful! You’re doing an amazing job….
What a great but bittersweet trip. I love the photo of Maddie showing her smile… such a beautiful little girl!
Hey Matt,
You are such a great DADDY!! I bet Liz smiles down on you every minute of the day and loves you so much more than she already did, just for the way you are raising your daughter! She is so beautiful and is so well traveled at such a young age.lol.
I’m sorry this was a tough trip, but I am sure it made Liz’s friends so happy to have Maddy and you there with them at the wedding! Take Care Matt!
PS. Love the Indian Dress she wore to the wedding! So cute!!!
How many hundreds of commenters have said that they LOVE MADDY’S SWEATSHIRT?
I love Maddy’s sweatshirt.
That little dress she was in from India was so cute. I love her sweet little blue eyes always looking at the camera. Great photos!
She is just perfect. I admire you so much. And I love Madeline’s style.
Steph
What gorgeous pictures! And your daughter has an awesome wardrobe ~~~ my 15-month old daughter is surely green with envy!
Sounds like it was a painful ((hugs)) and yet wondrous trip. The two of you are an adorable pair! Sending much XOXO’s from Minnesota!
Wow Matt, you truly are remarkable. That must have been a difficult trip for you, and yet you did it. Kudos to you. You’re daughter is beautiful as usual. I love her outfit from India, just gorgeous.
omg my 11 year old son and i have been reading your blog and i was reading the part about how they played the slide show and liz wasnt there, and i started sobbing, i couldnt help it , and he abruptly left to go upstairs and get a glass of water- i told him i couldnt read anymore – it is too sad- i cant imagine what you are going thru- i pray for u every night. take care of you and your little girl.
I’ve been reading up on Chrissy blog. Not quite caught up yet. I tried to get through the link that you can read a portion of her book. Can ya help me out??
um, what’s going to be funny is when Maddy does start talking it’s going to be SHIT or F*CK or some other slur!!!! hahhaha It’s going to be bad. She’ll drop a toy and SHIT will fly out. You just wait and see, she will. I am going to LAUGH SO HARD!
Hang in there. I can only imagine how lonely you must have felt. My Grandpa always says that. even though he is surrounded by all of us, he is still alone because Grandma is not there. It breaks my heart.
@bethany smith
try this:
I dream of the day I’m loved by a man the way you love Liz.
Love that’s honest, true and timeless.
Thanks for the blog update.
It was brave of you to go to the wedding. I’m glad that there were some smiling moments for you and Liz’s friends.
For so long in the photos, I saw so much of Liz in Maddy. But as she’s growing, I see lots of you too. It’s great to be able to see her grow and change. Again, thank you for sharing.
I love the picture of maddie cheesin really big she is just adorable!!!!
Matt I am sure that doing things without liz is hard and I am positive Liz is lookin down smilin really happy that you are doing so much with your daughter and doing things the two of you would have done together. The photo of the groom holding Maddie was just precious too.
You are a wonderful father and Maddie is very lucky to have you!!!
Hi Matt,
I have been following your post for a couple months, but have never commented (however, I emailed you awhile ago, but told you to not worry about responding because I understand how busy it is being a single parent with an infant). My husband passed away, unexpectedly, this past August. Gary was only 30 years old and left me and our 3-month old daughter. We were at a good friend’s wedding on Cape Cod (or first night out alone since our daughter was born) when he got up from the table to follow me onto the dance floor. As soon as he stepped onto the dance floor he collapsed and passed away from a heart condition we were unaware of. Since, I have been raising our daughter and missing her daddy. I relate to many thoughts/experiences you mention in your blog, but this post especially hit home. That lonely feeling when you go home to a quiet house/hotel room, etc… is horrible. I can have the best night and come home to feeling sick from being so lonely and missing Gary so much. I’m sure when our babies start talking more, the quiet will end and things will get better. I wanted to let you know that your blog is really nice and it is comforting to know that someone out there has similar thoughts to mine. Often I wonder what Gary would be doing if things were different and I was gone…I hope that he would be as wonderful a father to Ella as you are to Maddy (I am pretty confident he would be- he was a great guy and loved being a daddy for those wonderful (but too short ) 3.5 months). You are doing such a great job and thank you.
You are absolutely right… no need for a tie when you have a beautiful baby wearing a cute dress.
I’ve been a lurker for a long time, but wanted to comment today. I used to work with Maleeda at Saatchi way back when. I can’t even imagine how hard that trip would be for you. Glad there were moments have joy and moments to remember your lovely wife.
so i’m really curious about the unpleasant conversation you had! my daughter stella has that striped dress maddie was wearing on the beach. she is such a doll baby and looking more like Liz everyday.
No original words here. Just thinking about you and Madeline. Your strength is boundless and truly amazing Matt.
Matt and Maddy,
I wish I could leave the kind of comment that would change your world and your situation and make all the pain go away! Unfortunately, those knock you down memories don’t go away until we face them. I am very proud of you for making the trip!
I just love you both! No, not in the BJ sort of way (I suppose some new readers may take offense to that, but you understand). But in the way only a friend can that can make you laugh, cry and smile with admiration all in one “conversation”.
As much as little Mad looks like her mommy, I can see so many of your features coming out in her face.
your wife would be absolutely amazed to see what a fantastic job you are doing with madeline. in fact – i’m sure she is watching you every day and smiling the biggest smile…
Hey Matt, has anyone ever told you how RAD you and Maddy are, you guys kick ass!
Maddy’s legs are awesome, mine look like hers but for some reason it’s not cute on a 33 yr old!
You and Maddy represented Liz wonderfuly in HI! You are such a good man and fantastic father!
Have a good rest of the week and I hope the sun shines on you and Maddy bringing peace into your heart!
Michellej. in Denver
Hi Matt,
This is my first time posting; I’m a recent Oprah recruit. I don’t have anything to contribute beyond what everyone says to you all the time: you are an absolutely amazing father, your love for Maddy and Liz is palpable, Maddy is stunningly beautiful and the luckiest girl in the world to be able to call you daddy! You have taken the most tragic of losses and turned it into something so beautiful that will be treasured for a lifetime. Maddy’s mommy would be oh-so proud of you and all that you have done and continue to do for her and your daughter. Keep on keepin’ on….
Madeline is beautiful and you seem like a wonderful dad. Thank you for sharing this trip you’re on.
New-er reader here. I cry with you. I applaud the way you are handling the crappy hand you’ve been dealt. And also the way you are enjoying your most wonderful blessing, Maddie. She is beautiful. I can see the sadness in your eyes and I know, “sorry” doesn’t mean a whole lot but I really and truly am sorry. For what it’s worth, your story has really touched me and I think it’s great you are able to write your feelings here and keep your wife’s lovely spirit alive. Thanks for sharing your ups and downs…I pray that it helps me to appreciate my life and family to the fullest. We are not promised another day. Thank you.
I know that I want to comment on your post but I’m not sure how. I love that Maleeda and Kevin included you and Madeline on their special day – it’s a testiment on how much I know Maleeda loved your wife – and how much each one of those girls will continue to love the two of you. Life isn’t perfect. Sometimes we get dealt a shit hand – sometimes we wonder if it’ll ever get better – during that time – it’s wonderful to know that we have friends to count on. Again, thanks for sharing your life with us.
Matt you are an amazing father. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile but haven’t ever posted a comment. My heart ached for you in HI, I could only imagine how vacant your heart must of felt not having Liz there. I appreciate your honesty and thank you for allowing us all in your life.
I think of you, Maddy and Liz everyday. One of my closest friends passed away (cancer) 2 weeks before Liz and she too was young (29). I’ve learned alot from her widower (again one of my closest friends) and although they didn’t have any children I often wonder how he makes it through each day. Time taught/is teaching him to cope as I’m sure it is you. Keep doing what you are doing because you appear to be doing an FANTASTIC job with Maddy. The two of you are such a great fit for each other.
Welcome back, I’ve missed hearing from you and Maddy.
What a wonderful trip. My heart is breaking once again, one year,and still more firsts. You, are amazing.
I’ve just recently started reading your blog and I have to say I am completely hooked! The love and devotion you’ve shown for Liz is truely amazing, and even more so amazing is your love for Maddy. I’m sure when Maddy is old enough to understand she will be EXTREMELY proud of her daddy. Keep up the good work- you are truely one of a kind!
Wow, what a smile!!! And those eyes…amazing. <3
It’s hard to go to these things, I’m sure…but it must be like swimming in a roaring river. You just gotta keep going.
I am amazed and awed by you. You are giving a voice to so many who would rather push it down.
Peace.
I LOVE that dress!!! She is beautiful!!
Maddy looked gorgeous in her lengha choli! I’m sorry that you had such a rough time at the wedding. you were very brave and I am sure that it was most appreciated! You are doing a fantastic job!
I am no longer allowed to go to weddings alone. My own rule. It just sucks. I sobbed through the first one alone and after that humiliating experience I vowed never again.
I am a new reader of your blog and I am just in awe of your strength and bravery. Your trip to Hawaii sounded so bittersweet. I’m sure all of Liz’s friends appreciated you and Maddy being there. I am from Australia and live in San Diego with my five month old daughter. My hubby is in the Navy and has only seen my little one for five weeks. I can relate to your moments of wanting to take a longer shower. The only difference with me is that eventually he will come home, and I will make sure I appreciate every moment of that. Madeline is such a gorgeous little girl…I can see your wife in her. I share all your photos of Maddy with my girl…she smiles when she sees Maddy.
So Matt I want to say a big thank you for sharing your story with the world. I hope you know that you truly are an inspiration.
p.s. I love the way you write…if you ever decided to move to Australia you would settle in well!
Hey Matt- I just cried when I read the first of your post… I remember those moments after Jeff passed. The memories. They always come back and hit you in the gut when you LEAST expect them to! I’m proud of you for making it such a memoriable trip! Keep on hangin on!
Truely amazing and inspirational!
So many things in this post made me laugh out loud, tear up, get goose bumps, everything. The photos were amazing…the color, her BLUE eyes! The dress made my jaw drop, so gorgeous! You are right, no one would notice your absent tie.
I really don’t have anything to say that somebody hasn’t already said. But know that you have a lot of people who think of you and Maddie on a daily basis. I hope that everyday the pain gets easier to live with.
I’m glad you went to the wedding. That must have been so hard, but I’m sure all of Liz’s friends were so happy to see you and Maddy there. I love the photo of the wedding party with Maddy-that’s so special. And how lovely of them to honor her that way.
Can’t wait to hear about the trip to Cincinnati! Did you visit WKRP?
Asalamu Alaykom,
I am soooooooooo glad I didn’t call you! I would really hate to show up in your blog as, “a rather unpleasant phone conversation.” With everything that’s gone on with you what does somebody have to say to you to tick you off???
OK, but anyway…the photos are awesome as always. Miss Madeline’s Indian garb remind me of my girlie’s Indian outfit she would wear. No fashion style is greater than Indian. Start ‘em young!
I don’t know what to think about those places hurting you. You traveled so much with Your Liz. That wasn’t a coincidence. Your script had you traveling so much before and after. So what are you going to do? You keep feeling hurt by those places. I wonder if there is some kind of ritual you could put in place so you make peace once you arrive where she once was. Not sure, Dude. But I hate to have you feeling like that all around the world—even in Hawaii.
Egypt? Come see Mr. Boo and me once we’re in Egypt inshahallah. You never went there! You are truly welcome.
My partner and I LOVED that Jason Mraz song, when the live recording was first getting tossed around about 6 years ago. Now it’s released and on the radio every 3 seconds, and it’s a totally different song to me now.
Great post Matt, Im amazed at how much maddy travels. She is so rad. LOVED the pictures. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I log on all the time to see what you and your girl are up to. I live vicariously through you….I have 3 girls under 7 so I dont travel much…..yet!
Maddy is gorgeous, and she just keeps getting cuter!
Id love to go to the book reading, but Im in atlanta.
I do plan on picking the book up though!
Matt your strenghth amazes me everyday. Maddie is adorable and her little dresses are just too cute! Thank you again for sharing your life with all of us you make me want to be a better mother!!!
Beautiful pics, as usual, Matt. You are an amazing man!
Matt, the foundation that you are building for Maddy is going to be so strong. It has been a joy to watch Maddy grow.
awesome post…
seems like you are no longer going to blog about each day (totally understandable)….maybe just about big events, trips, special days? but, wondering – are you planning on writing a post about maddy’s birthday trip to mexico?
She looks so cute in her dress. She is adorable. Your an amazing father.
What a great post as always. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad you were able to laugh
I rarely comment because you seem to get so many that one more, one less will not make a difference, but here you go: when Maddie was little I didn’t think she looked so much like Liz as she does now. I don’t know if it’s the way she smiles or moves or something, but I do think she’s looking more like her mom every day. The pictures you posted on her bday and this past few weeks really reminded me of Liz’s big smile on the photos I’ve seen here. I hope it brings you comfort, to see your daughter looking so much like her mom. Or maybe I’m just imagining things, since I never met Liz in person.
And she looks absolutely beautiful in that Indian outfit!
Matt and Maddy,
I’ve smiled, laughed and cried. Your story is an inspiration for all, you have touched my heart and soul. I know there will always be a part of your heart missing that can never be replaced, just know that there are thousands of hearts out here that carry the two of you in ours. Matt, you are an amazing daddy!
xoxoxoxox
Thelicia C
WoW this caught me on a
crappy day…
The pics of Maddy are great and made me smile.
But every thing else shit shit shit
made me cry…
When are you coming back to the MN?
@Rachel D. from the MN
june, i think.
I felt those punches to the gut while reading your latest post. It’s amazing that you can be surrounded by so many people, family, friends and yet still feel so alone cause the one person you want to be there with you – isn’t.
PS- I just checked and Jason Mraz won’t be playing here in Berlin this Summer. So here’s your escape!
) Bring the whole clan from back home in Mn. over…would be fun!
Isn’t it time for Maddie to try her first bratwurst?
Matt, the pic of Maddy eating the fan is priceless. One of my favs of her… ever.
matt i am following you and madeleine all the way from the countryside of England – you are doing a great job of holding it together and bringing up your beautiful daughter – i know your grief is a daily battle and it is always so hard to go back to the past via places you have been but as the old adage goes “the past is a foreign country, they do things differently there” the future is for you and Maddy
love michelle xxx
You were here !! I wonder if by chance we passed along the sidewalk or on the street. I live here in Hawaii, on Oahu and I am so glad you were able to create some new memories with Maddy while you were here. I understand that your memories of your time here with Liz, serve as a painful reminder of what is no longer, but I hope someday, you will be able to bring Maddy back to Hawaii to see all of her moms favorite places and talk about why she loved them so. I hope that those places fill your heart with the warmth of her presence like the rays of the setting sun. I hope Maddy can find joy in the things that her mama once enjoyed when she came to Hawaii and that together, the two of you can find ways to honor her memory. Sometimes in Hawaii, we paddle out on a canoe and leave flower leis in the surf for someone we love. I hope you get the chance to relive the love you shared with Liz, without the pain it causes you now. Hawaii is such a beautiful place, I hope that with time, your memories here will always be beautiful too. If you are ever in need of a sitter again while you are on Ohau, look me up.. my sitter service is called Gingerbread House.. Aloha and thanks for inspiring us all to live deeper lives. 1 Hula Girl
matt… this entry made me cry as much as it made me smile. i’m sitting here trying not to choke on my sadness for you and little maddie.
she sure knows how to light up a place though.. just like her momma did. and before you know, she’ll be talking up a storm. and you’ll have a whole new list of conversations to have.
*hugs and love to you both.. always*
Loved the pictures as usual! Loved her sweatshirt you have her wearing!
We only travel by car! Let me tell you, 15 hrs in a car with a toddler isn’t fun, even with the walking stops!!!
JonJon is 2.5 yrs old and we’ve yet to fly with him yet! Not as brave as you are!
My heart goes out to you and Maddy and I, too, was sad reading about the loneliness.
Loved the post. I am so happy to see Maddy in the flower dress I sent her! Love it.
Her dress for the wedding was absolutely fabulous too!!
So glad you two were able to go and be there for such a special occasion.
First, your outfit looked great without a tie! Second, Maddy’s dress from India is beautiful! Wow, wish I had a dress like that for my daughter when she was young. Your pictures are beautiful, you really have an eye for photography. Loved the pic of a reflection in the water on the sidewalk.
Your loneliness brought a pain to my heart. Tears streaming at work. Liz had some amazing friends.
And kudos to Maddy’s cute Hawaiian-appropriate outfits! Loved the umbrella in her bottle.
Wow Matt, I love all of the pictures you take!! I would love to see Hawaii at some point in my life, it looks beautiful. Maddie looks absolutely gorgeous in her outfit from India!!! I’m sorry it was rough for you, but at least you were able to catch up with some of your good friends. Take care!!!
Matt – I think its so wonderful all the memories you are creating with Madeline – which means often running full steam into what might turn out to be a lonely situation. You are so strong. And Madeline gets cuter every day.
Amazing…Your just amazing Matt. The love you have for Liz and the wonderful job you’ve done with Madeline, I’m speechless, and this doesn’t happen often! This post once again brough tears to my eyes…Minus of course the Jason Mraz part!
Maddy looked just beautiful in that dress, she is perfect in every way. I’m so sorry you had to go through that emotional rollercoster again, I can’t help it but cry, and there is nothing I can do to help, it is so difficult to sit here, read about what you are going through and feel that there is nothing I can do to help. It breaks my heart when I read things like when you guys went back to the hotel room and you had no one to talk to and then you ended the sentece with: “i really, really missed her tonight” omg that sucks, I’m sorry, I have a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes, and I’m at work. I wish I could take away some of your pain. Hugs
You always find a way to balance the pain and sadness in your posts (life) with positive commentary about Madeline, your ever expanding network of family/friends and the everyday adventures you experience. I continue to marvel at your ability to add water to and enthusiastically drink from that half empty glass. On second thought…your glass probably contains a little more beer than water
p.s. I while back you posted about bone marrow donation. I just received my kit and will be throwing my DNA into the pot to see if I match someone in need!
Tears running because I’ve had the same moments. It sucks… Glad you got the chance to see everyone again, and in Hawaii, no less. Great pics, especially the shot of the hotel balconies. Wish I was closer to LA; maybe I’d run into you some time. Not that I’ve found anything that I could tell you that would help; it would be more for me to have someone in the same situation who would understand.
I just recently started reading (after your appearance on Oprah of course!) I look everyday to see if there is a new post and I sit here at work all teary eyed! Maddy is beautiful, just as Liz was. You are an amazing father – and your love for Liz is remarkable. I don’t think I’ve ever met/seen a guy that is so dedicated to his family. I’m certain Liz is looking over you and is soo extremely proud. Maddy is gorgeous!
I’m siting here with tears streaming down my face. Your raw honesty is refreshing though I wish it weren’t so. The pictures are beautiful and you are doing an amazing job raising Maddy and keeping Liz real. I feel like I know her and I’m one of those stalking strangers.
I, like many others, sit here in tears and wonder how you carry on. Sure, you have your gorgeous little darling girl but I don’t know how you do it. I’d fall into a million little pieces at any given moment, daily……I want to hug you til you can’t breathe…
Great pics (as usual!) of both Maddy and the scenery. What a beautiful dress!
You’re going to hate me–but I like that Jason Mraz song!
Maddy is adorable as always.
I think it is great for you to have some adult time for yourself. All of us parents need that.
You’re awesome, Matt!
Incredible. That’s you. Adorable. Well, that would be Maddy (sorry). ;o)
Your journey is inspiring. It tugs at my heartstrings. It makes me laugh. It even makes me CRINGE when “choice words” are printed. But I love your honesty. I love your courage. I love your determination.
While I wish your circumstances were different, Liz’s legacy will live on forever … because of you. Because of Maddy.
~Michelle from Cincinnati
micheller@cinci.rr.com
i’m half-way through the book! what a great story…i’m sorry your trip wasn’t what you wanted it to be, but it looks like you and Maddy got some quality time together watching the sunsets and sunrises…
Wow! I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to see all of Liz’s friends and all the pictures of her at the wedding. Just being in Hawaii was really difficult, I am sure. My heart goes out to you and Maddy. I love the pictures though! The best was the picture of Maddy with the wedding party and your comment about her taking Liz’s place in the picture. That was too funny! By the way, thanks for the book recommendation. I bought Rattled! and I am so excited to read it!!
Your so Fing awesome Matt – your are a great dad and Maddy is so lucky to have you!!
I don’t have much to say because if I type an emotional comment, my eyes will start leaking and that’s not cool at work.
I love Maddy’s purposeful smile. The scrunched up nose is adorable. The photos of you smiling are few and far between so it was very nice to see your smile today (even if it was only one photo!).
Hi! I’ve come here from cbb, and stayed. Madeline is probably the best dressed little girl I’ve seen, and my daughter is about the same age!… I don’t have proper words to express my feelings about your life as it is now, just to say I loose my breath every time I think of Liz, every time I think of you…
i found your blog through mycharmingkids.net and have been checking in here and there for a few weeks now. the wedding post really got to me. i’m touched by your writing, your honesty and your generosity at sharing the photos of your beautiful little girl. i don’t know you, never knew liz, but i’m a mom of a 1-yr-old and i’m sure liz would be so, so proud of you.
Oh please, as if anybody was looking at your tieless ass when you’ve got Goldilocks in your arms. LOL The picture of Maddy with the HUGE grin made me laugh out loud. She is her mother’s daughter for sure. Good for you for going to the wedding knowing how hard it would be for you. The pain and the loneliness fucking sucks and I hate it that you have to experience it so often. Here’s to better days…
Hawaii, eh? That’s awesome!
I don’t know what to say about Liz and her friend’s wedding. I’m glad that she was included even though she couldn’t physically attend. I’m glad that Madeline could fill in her spot for the pictures. That’s just breath taking.
Lastly, Madeline looked amazing in that dress!
Oh and you were in Cincinnati! That’s so close to me!
I love Maddie’s Indian dress! I’m always so impressed with her outfits! Good job, Matt!
Great post Matt!! I smiled, laughed and cried…all within 5 minutes. I am sitting in the large conference room at work (all glass windows), so everyone walking by, thinks I’m crazy…thanks for that! haha
So when are you and Maddy coming out to the OC? Not that LA is terribly far….. I would love to introduce her to my Brooke!
Leanne
i’m crying at work. great.
matt, you are an awesome father and an awesome person.
thanks for sharing with us all.
Maddy looked lovely in that dress and you looked smashing (even without a tie).
I really have to say those are some of the most gorgeous pics of Oahu I have see in a long while. You have such talent.
Hey Matt,
I have been reading your blog shortly after Liz passed away. I never got the courage to comment here as I could never find the right words. One thing I did learn from your blog is the importance of life. My wife was pregnant at the same time and God knows how much I was worried about her.
Anyway, looking at Maddy’s outfit completely took me back as she looked almost exactly like Liz in her Indian outfit…
My daughter has almost the same color combination and looking at Maddy just made me smile….She is gorgeous..
Oh almost forgot…You are a kick-ass father.
I have to tell you that I love reading your blog!! I am always excited when I see you have another post!
As I followed you on twitter (feeling a little like a stalker, lol) with your pictures of your trip to oahu, I was so jealous thinking to myself “Man he has gone on like 10 vacations already this year and Now Hawaii!” But now, even though it must have been beautiful to be there, I read how hard it was for you and my heart breaks alittle for you and Maddy
At least you can find comfort with friends that loved Liz like you did!! But I am sure it must have been bitter-sweet~
Thank you for Sharing~
Also the pictures were great and Maddy as usual is so Beautiful and getting so Big!!! Wow time sure does fly by!!
I miss Hawaii. It is so beautiful there! It looks like you and Madeline had a blast. She is so pretty and just by some of the photos I’ve seen of Liz, she looks just like her mommy.
I cried reading this entry. I couldn’t imagine the pain you are going through. I dunno how I could be as strong as you, if I lost my Matt. Just know Liz is with you, maybe not physically, but she is there. She is laughing with you, proud of Madeline when you are and crying and comforting you when she can.
You are a very strong man. Madeline is a very lucky girl to have such a wonderful father. *HUGS*
Long time reader; first time commenter. I just wanted to tell you your blog is so beautiful; it reminds me of the important things in life. You help me to remember to treat those I love with kindness. Thank you.
I love Oahu. That’s where my husband and I went on our honeymoon. Seeing your pictures and reading how hard it was for you made me cry a bit today. But it’s wonderful you were able to share such a beautiful place with your beautiful daughter.
Beautiful photos! I love your prospective on them.
I think Maddy has flown more than I have in my lifetime and she is only one
http://sprucehill.typepad.com/
it was seriously fabulous to meet you and your beautiful, puff stealing maddy!
Although I wish we had met of different circumstances. You are one of a kind, and doing an incredible job with maddy! (I still cant get over how good she is in restaurants!)
oh, and P.S. – Sorry the record store sucked – most businesses are like that in HI. It can be aggravating!
This is my first time posting a comment but i’ve been reading your blog (and crying at work) since finding you through Oprah – I have much more that i want to share about how your story has touched my life – but i’m still sorting through what to say (will send an email with more later)
Just wanted to say hi and thanks for sharing your story – looks like a beautiful trip to Oahu although bittersweet.
My little Madeline is taking her first trip to Hawaii next week and it will be her 14th round trip in her ripe old age of 23 months!
I live in Long Beach and may venture up to Torrance Borders this evening…
I’m glad someone else hates that Jason Mraz song. I hear it everywhere I go.
What a sweet girl and daddy. Love the cheeseball smiling picture.
What great pictures, I know it was hard, but it looks like you had a great time too. I wish I still lived in Torrance because I would so be at the book signing. I uploaded her book to my Kindle on your recommendation and read it in a little over 24hrs. Wouldn’t have taken me that long had I not had to work.
Yep, a night like that would do it. A night with old friends, a night where you should have been hashing over all the gossip on the way back to your hotel, a night where you should have been able to turn to each other and say, Can you beLIEVE what so-and-so said…?! Etc., etc. A night like that would make you miss her even more than usual. Kudos to you for not skipping the event completely (many would have, under similar circumstances).
As always, I’m proud of you.
Those pictures from Hawaii are stunning. And so is that dress Maddie wore to the wedding.
I didnt realize the book signing was today
I am so, so sad I have to miss it, i nanny until 9pm tonight and the kids bedtime it at 8pm in Thousand Oaks. I would have LOVED to have met Chrissy and JD and I would have LOVED to have met you and Maddy
My first time commenting, mostly because I never know what to say and how does one compete with 150+ comments…but nevertheless, here I am.
Your pictures from the trip are beautiful to say the least. It looks like it was a really great trip despite bringing back some sadness. There is no doubt in my mind that Liz was on that island with you and Maddy. The travelling that you and Maddy have done together is awesome. I’m sure you will take her to the island again someday and tell her all of those stories that replayed so vividly in your mind about her mother.
Your story inspires me every day.
Hey Matt,
I still love reading your blog. You are my hero. You amaze me. Maddy is still as precious as ever. I can’t wait till Maddy starts talking to you. That’ll be really entertaining. I’m glad you got to spend time with all of liz’s ladies and they they got to see Maddy. Still praying for y’all.
Love, Mere
Love the pictures, and love the dress from India, thanks for sharing.
Mike gets asked a lot why he is with our son, and not me. It’s a very different situation I know, but it always leads into explaining Jude had a stroke.
I imagine that as solemn as that walk was in Hawaii that it was peaceful in some way??? I hope you enjoyed your trip, but I am sorry for the sad memories it brought.
So……I have read your blog for almost a year. I found you through a friend’s blog…She had a post about a friends photgraphy….I love photos, so I opened to look, and it was you and Maddie. Then I connected to your blog and have been attached ever since. Never commented…just a silent heart, often thinking about you and Maddie.
I KNOW that she will someday read this blog and be so proud of the job you are doing, and so proud of how much you LOVED her mom! That will be so important for her to know!
Rough trip, wonderful trip…I think those words will go together for you for a long time, and that is OK.
Soon Maddie will talk and you will never be able to shut her up!
Keep writing…and know that people are always thinking about you, wishing you the best…
Maddie is so CUTE and getting so big…it is hard to believe.
They make ties with velcro, my son has them.
te last 13years i’ve worked for the airlines…maddy has travelled to more places than i.
Your bitterness towards Jason Mraz makes me laugh. You just can’t let it go. Thanks for the laugh.
I admire you for taking Madeline to be apart of the wedding. You could have totally been justified in staying home, saying it would have been too hard and emotional but you were brave and now so many people will have a fun memory of you and her there.
You are a great dad. And I don’t throw compliments out there lightly.
I don’t know why people think it’s appropriate to ask why you are eating without Madeline’s mother. No one would ask a mother where the father was. I’m sorry people are so tacky, and I’m glad you made her cry… she’ll never ask this again. Anyway, I’m glad you were able to celebrate with Liz’s friends as painful as it was. You’re doing great!
Matt-
I stumbled across your site, and am speechless. You deserve father of the year every year. Madeline is flourishing and you are the proof of that. You are doing a great job.
Wow….amazing photos as always Matt. Maddie looked adorable in her dress, and you clean up quite nicely yourself..even without a tie
I can only imagine the range of emotions that went along with this trip, but how amazing it was for you to put that aside and take Maddie anyways…I am sure a lot of people in your situation would have respectfully declined (and rightfully so)…just another display of what an amzing Dad and friend you are!! I know Liz was right there along with everyone and smiling that gorgeous smile of hers. You continue to inspire me, and I LOVE reading about yours and Maddie’s adventures together!! At one, she has been way more places than I have at 30!! Keep up the great work Matt…we are all thinking about you and wishing you the best!!
I wish I was in the LA area to attend Chrissy’s book signing and meet you, Maddy, JD and Chrissy!! Her book looks fabulous…I have it on order
Trigger warning, but I thought you may be interested in this film: http://www.youthefilm.com/
Hi Matt,
Your pictures, once again, are gorgeous. My fav’s will always be of the smiling, beautiful, Miss M, espcially if she is playing in dirt, sand or anything else FUN. The dress you picked for her to wear to the ceremony is beautiful!
I can understand how difficult it must be for you seeing all those folks who are used to seeing Liz’s smile, along with yours. I admire you incredibly for getting up everyday and being all the Maddie needs, and I hope that you can get all that you need out of the world as well!! I haven’t posted in a while, but I’m always checkin on you 2 and thinking positive thoughts. Keep swimming, Matt!
Great pictures (as usual)! Maddy is a little peach!
It won’t be long before your beautiful girl is holding full conversations with you. You may long for the day when she didn’t talk as much and ask questions as often.
I’m sure Liz is so proud of you both.
First time I have ever cried reading your blog and feel compelled to leave a comment. And it was when I read the part where Maddie stood in for Liz in the bridal party picture. The picture made me cry even more. Thanks for the visual of the groom holding Liz. That helped me pull it together too! You are such a good Dad and strong even in those tough lonely moments. Could anyone else have taken that trip and survived? You are amazing! Period. Hang in there. You are doing outstandingly (is that a word?). Your girl is so lucky. Best to you always,
your another stranger friend in the nc ,
Ellen
I think you’re amazingly brave to have got through the whole thing, without the one person you really wanted to share it with (outside of gorgeous Maddie) being there. It must be excruciating at times, the pain and the memories. Just know that the little girl in your pictures is so lucky. The love you have for her and that she has for you is what keeps you going and gets you through these days and moments. You are just an awesome Dad and I really wish there was something I could do to make it easier. But, no one really can. Except that gorgeous baby of yours. Your Liz is with you. She is around you. And she is very, very proud of you.
Hang in there Matt.
Tricia and family
That was such a moving post. Love all of the pictures. Especially loved the comment about the picture of the wedding party and people taking it literally!!
Have fun when Chrissy & JD are there !!! Can’t wait to see pictures !!
Beautiful pictures
I just realized tonight that every time you type
liz’s
name, she has her own line.
Too sweet
awesome pictures! Maddy looks like Liz. She’s beautiful and growing so fast! I bet it was very hard to relive those memories that you had with Liz…but not you can relive the memories you have created with Maddy…the sunsets, the beach, the beautiful outfit from India. Happy Thursday!
No, really, you make note like, “my life has taken many strange turns in the past 13+ months, but this week may be the strangest, most unexpected on record.” But, you don’t elaborate?!? Come on, who do you think we are? Some sort of weirdos that are lurking and waiting to read about your adventures. Some goof balls that are privvy to all of the most intimate moments of your life. Well, . . . Hell yes! Or should I say, that we are friends who are cheering for you and always hoping that good things are around your next corner. Just here to give you a hard time! All my best.
Matt, Wow…great pics as always. Love, love the pic of Maddy’s legs
Too cute! ughhh the Sad moments 
I admire you! I wish I could’ve made the trip to Torrance to meet you and Maddy. (maybe at another occasion… i hope so) Had the pleasure to be in NYC and met Chrissy at her NY reading! Thanks for sharing!
You are quite the photographer.
What a melancholy trip that was. From one love of your life to another.You have had the opportunity of having two wonderful women in your life, even if only one is still here physically.
You are a wonderful father to that lucky little girl.
That dress is adorable on her. and you look dashing, tie or no tie.
I just found your blog through Heather Spohr’s blog.. And I just cried reading your posts. But your daughter is soo beautiful and you are doing an amazing job raising her. I am so glad you have her. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
first time posting… my 5 year old Wesley was looking at pictrures from Oahu when he saw Madeline. He said “who’s that?” and i said “thats madeline, she is a little girl and that is her daddy, isnt she pretty” and he said “she looks like sunshine” thought that pretty much summed things up.
About 15 months after my wife died, her best friend got married and asked our daughter to be her flower girl. I can fully appreciate the range of emotions you experienced on your trip.
The memories we aren’t prepared for are most often the ones that hit us the hardest.
I know you already know this, but Maddie has THE prettiest blue eyes I have ever seen.
Amazing photos! I really love coming along with you and Maddie on your trip! Do you know what it meant to that bride to have her dearest friend’s daughter at her wedding? Priceless…I know it was very hard for you, I think you’re an amazing person for stepping back and saying I can do this, it means alot. Hugs from Fort Worth.
Maddie is getting so Big! Is she walking yet? She is a beautiful special little girl, special to have a dad like you. You are such a good father, Keep finding time for yourself, that will keep your mind right.
I know this is off subject, but wanted to share this with you. My daughter loves the socks I get her from a place online called LittleMissMatched.com I was ordering her some new socks and flipflops and thought of your little cutie pie!
Been following your blog for awhile. Madeleine will be such a heartbreaker with those big beautiful blue eyes. I don’t know you and I know it sounds weird but I love you both so much. Your entry had me in tears.
some how…even in your hurt…you always make me smile.
You are such a great dad. Thanks for sharing. 
Your daughter is beautiful. And you are an amazing father.
if you find yourself at the best hamburger joint in the mn (lt) when you’re here in june (?) you should send a note…my son (2) would like to share some fries with maddy!
love the pics, i’m glad you got to be at the wedding…it was important for you, maddy and liz’s friends to have you there.
i’m not looking forward to the mn-hawaii time change, we’re headed there in a few months…i’ve got a 7am riser…but plan to start shifting him a week in advance, i can’t imagine waking up at 2 or 3 am [for the day].
Matt, you should write a book! I find your blogs so intriguing! The pics of Maddies and Hawaii are soo beautiful!
Thank you. Just when I get weary of all that must be done (3 girls ages 9 , 2 and 5 months) you remind me that every moment is a precious gift.
Oh, she’ll talk soon enough, but it may be a while longer before you understand everything she says (case in point: http://ginaandkris.blogspot.com/2009/02/talker.html )
Love the baby umbrella drink!! Beautiful photos. Thanks for sharing.
Matt you take beautiful pictures. Thanks so much for posting.
Matt-
You are such an amazing father. I just recently found your blog and have spent the past couple days/nights ready almost every post! Maddie is just beautiful! I love seeing all the cute outfits you put her in(especially the onesie over the pants), too cute!!! I think you are going to start a fashion craze with that. Anyways, I am up here in Fresno, if you ever drive through here I would love to take a picture with your robot(my husband thinks that is the coolest thing ever!) I have a 9 month old son that I am sure would flirt like crazy with Maddie. Also, I have a ton of formula checks and a couple cans that I would love to donate, let me know where to send them.
-Bridget in Fresno
Matt & Madeline –
Love that just as I’m about to cry from the pic with the wedding party – you turn around and make me laugh. Mags is making that same big-all-out-face smile as Maddie these days – can’t wait to see them laugh together sometime and more than anything I wish Liz could have been there to laugh with you at the wedding.
Kathleen, Steve and Mags
Maddy looks lovely in that beautiful outfit. I have been reading your blog from the start for two weeks. Each time I can’t help but wince at the pain you feel. Life isn’t fair. Thankfully, you have Maddy to brighten up the darkest of days. My thoughts are with you and Maddy always.
You are awesome. I found your blog recently (thanks Oprah) and am so impressed by how you’ve handled such an amazingly hard situation. My son was also born on March 24, 2008. Like Maddy, he was pretty small at birth – only 1 pound 15 ounces, actually, because he wasn’t supposed to arrive until July. Anyway, it’s been a tough year but it pales in comparison to what you have been through. Maddy is so lucky to have a dad who is capturing her life in such a graceful, poetic way. Thanks for sharing your story.
yeah, the jason mraz thing, I like the songs..so stay clear of Crustybeef..
Your raw post was painfully peaceful. You did the right thing going–your made your beautiful wife smile..and my goodness you have some stunning peanut—beautiful dress–the way it blended with the wedding party.
I think you’re remarkable. and although that doesn’t help take your pain away…Maddy is a lucky girl.
Thoughts from Chicago.
M, I don’t follow your blog. I just remembered tonight that I wanted to find it, since seeing you on O. Your humor and pain, touched a place in my heart that I don’t usually know is there. I am sorry that you cannot experience this beautiful time in your life with the one person who would make it complete. That’s not fucking fair. There’s no other way to say it honestly.
Your daughter is beautiful, stunning. I have a 9 month old, she is gorgeous inside and out. I can see this in your Maddie.
Take care of yourself, and continue to be transparent. It’s very healing.
As Jenny Ann in the ATX‘s son said, Maddy looks like sunshine.
I never know what to comment on your posts, because it seems like anything I say has either been said before, is corny, or just will give no comfort or help in th eleast…but I still continue to comment. God knows why.
I notice in a lot of your videos you post on Flickr there’s music going in the background, and I know it’s because you don’t want to hear the silence. I’ll be happy when she starts talking, so you don’t have to deal with the silence as much anymore.
I mean, come on…baby jabber can only fill the silence so much…lol.
Thank you for sharing your life with everyone. Thank you for sharing the photos of Maddy with everyone. She is truly a gift.
My, you’re brave. Many, and me included, would likely have turned down the wedding trip on the grounds that it was too emotional. But you did it, even surviving the waitress’s question when it seemed you’d had enough sucker punches for the day already.
Those are some great pictures of the beach at dusk, even if it’s clearly a good job the SLR doesn’t show the blur of tears. Spirits up, and kind regards from London.
.
Gosh, you guys stepped into my world an I didn’t even know it! My island is just a hop away from Oahu, and my Maddy and her sis were born there 14months ago. Your trip must have been a difficult though. The islands have a way of making memories overpowering, at least that’s my experience. I think it’s because nothing changes here – the smells in the air, the temperature, everything. I travel back and forth to the mainland at least a few times a year, and every time I return here and step off the plane I feel overwhelmed. Its like walking back into a memory you can’t turn off. I always get confused about what time of year it is and how long I’ve been gone. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you to walk through that airport, past that hotel.
I always read your posts. They’re always beautifully written. But with this post I feel like for the first time I have an actual, though very small, inkling of how much you have to go through on a day to day basis, and it breaks my heart. Keep the bravery, and the love. You two are amazing.
I too have read all your posts for a while now,
silent reader till now
since u get a lot of responses
and I always wonder if u have time to read everything
I think u should write a book.
Or become a professional photographer.
Either
I wonder who the rather unpleasant phone conversation was with
and I too wonder what would make u tick off with everything u have going on in your life…
Its amazing to read in each post the outpour of love going your way… can u feel it?
I wonder… and wonder a lot of things
And wish u nothing but the very best
Maddie travels more than I do! I’ve been on a trip once, to Mexico and that is it! Lucky girl. She’s so beautiful, and I think she looks like both her parents, the best of both of you. I don’t know if I can keep reading this, every post I’ve read brings tears to my eyes. (Not that single tear bullshit either, I’m talking the ugly cry!). I can’t imagine the pain you feel every day missing Liz, sounds like she left a large hole in your life. Is it getting better? Does time make it easier? Beautiful post, I love that you let her chew on that fan.
Matt and Matty,
I came across your blog looking at another one and have been completly devoted to reading ever single one of your blogs. I have laughed, cried, and laughed some more. You are a wonderful father, and have done an doutstanding job of raising your daughter. You should be proud, and you and Matty will have an amazing relationship. Please keep us all updated on your adventures and day to day, I have truelly enjoyed everything I have read and look forward to more. I am sure Liz looks down on your and Matty from heaven and is also so so so so proud of you. You deserve dad of the year award every year
I wish I’d read this earlier; I would have loved to come to the book reading! ARGH. Oh well, next time!
I am so sorry that the trip to Oahu was so difficult, but it sounds like it had some beautiful moments too. Congratulations to the newlyweds!
*tears and hugs*
what a beautiful post. you are an awesome human being, matt.
Hi Matt! I recently heard this quote and wanted to share…
“Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love,
and it would be wrong to try to find a substitute;
we must simply hold out and see it through.
That sounds very hard at first,
but at the same time it is a great consolation,
for the gap, as long as it remains unfilled,
preserves the bonds between us.
It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap;
God doesn’t fill it, but on the contrary,
keeps it empty and so helps us to
keep alive our former communion with each other,
even at the cost of pain.
The dearer and richer our memories, the more difficult the separation.
But gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy.
The beauties of the past are borne, not as a thorn in the flesh,
but as a precious gift in themselves.”
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
I hope you are well.
Nena and Reese
Similarly, I went to a wedding in Houston on Apr 25th of my late husband’s college friends and I had the same feeling of absence. I have recently found your blog and enjoy the mishaps that happen to you as I share the same frustrations. I feel like I’m the only young widow with young children until I come here. I envy all your great photos…I am still struggling with trying to take photos of my children that include myself. Thanks for sharing your life with us!
I have been following your blog for some time now and I have grown completely smitten with you and Maddy. I know you have heard this a million times, and will continue to hear it, but you are doing an amazing job. I myself am a single mama to my 2 year old son, Lukas. I was not by any means under the same curcumstances but if I am lumped into the “single parent” bracket with you, and so many of your other loyal readers, then I am honoured. Maddy is a beautiful little person, and you are a wonderful father. I hope someday I can come down there to meet the both of you. (We are in British Columbia)
Loyal Followers…
Ashley and Lukas
Man, I’m having a hard time reading this because my vision is blurry. It’s SO hard to be in situations where it’s very obvious that there is someone missing. In my situation, I find it never gets any easier. That vacancy is alway so apparent to me. Maybe because I’m a visual person, I soak in the sights in front of me, I know when somethings not right.
Liz would be so proud of you. Liz IS so proud of you. And Madeline will grow up with the knowledge and pride that she has the BEST DADDY EVER!!!
I know everyone felt that hole, not as powerfully as you but, I have a feeling each girl in there missed the bright smile of their Liz too.
Not that you need reassurance from a TOTAL stranger, but every time, and I do mean every time I read your post I think what a good dad and good man you are. It is very impressive and brave the way you continue to be involved with all of your wife’s friends. . . despite the meomories and feelings you have to face while doing so! Keep you the good work! You are a natural!
It looks like it was equally a great trip, and hard one. Maddy, as always, looks beautiful!
PS – Make sure you check out the annual Tuesday F. Whitt Blog Party, going on till the 12th! Let’s kick pediatric cancer’s butt one dollar at a time! Go to http://www.fundraiserblog.blogspot.com/
Matt- I am looking for an update and more information on for the love of Liz foundation. I am so curious how much money the foundation has gotten, how many people have donated, how many people have benefited. I keep thinking I will see some information that answers my questions. And maybe I am too nosy? Maybe information you are wanting to keep quiet?
@pattee…
there will be an update soon. we have our first official meeting of the full board of directors tomorrow, during which we’ll discuss how to go about sharing the information.
thanks for your interest!
m.
Accidently stumbled upon you a few months ago and have been quietly intruding. And, proud like you were MY discovery when you appeared on Oprah. I could just eat Maddy up she’s so precious! XXOO
Hi Matt,
Just wanted to let you know that I also had a child who was in NICU, I have started a cause on Facebook called Regina NICU please encourage people to join and donate.
I love your blog and check it daily.
Matt – thank you for another beautiful post. I feel truly blessed that you were there with Madeline to represent Liz on our special day. It was a tough weekend without her laugh, hand clapping, teasing of Ari, and unique restaurant ordering style, and of course, up front with the bridal party, but all of us girls felt that the time with you and Madeline was equally as precious and meaningful. You continue to be an amazing individual and father. I love you guys and thank you for coming to Hawaii.
xoxoxoxo Auntie Maleeda
Hi Matt. I was so moved by your story and I’ve read your blog from the beginning. I don’t want to bother you – I know you’re busy – but I just wanted to know….where would one find the candy necklace bink link like Madeline’s?
Hi Matt-
I read your blog frequently, but don’t usually post any comments. Tonight, I received an emailed video about a girl from my area who I went to high school with, who just lost her pre-term little boy last week. He lived for an hour and her and her husband’s family made a beautiful video about their son, Gabriel. The reason I’m emailing the link to you is because it celebrates his life and I think it’s something you might want to see. You share so much of your life with others, I thought you might like to see how others handle tragedy, so you know you’re not alone. While typing this, I’m thinking this is weird, I should just delete this, but nope, I’m going to post it anyway. I really think you would appreciate it. Take care.
http://animoto.com/play/10631w3zDU1ac5Gk5O02Fw
You’re amazing. I’m inspired by your strength and love for your daughter. You’re doing your wife proud. I came to your blog through a friend, and saw you on O. Your daughter is just as lucky to have you as her Daddy as you are to have her.
I’m new here and thoroughly enjoyed your journaling and your photography. Your daughter is just beautiful and you have such talent with a camera. I’m a wanna be with a camera, but you’ve got skills.
Thanks for sharing. I hope writing is theraputic for you. Wish I could see that darling little girl of yours in person, she’s a cutie.
Hi Matt.
Found this sad news online. I thought of you & Liz’s foundation. I don’t know if you would like to contact this family to offer some support.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090506/ap_on_re_us/us_swine_flu_texas
Liliana
Matt: Did you read the paper. The first person to Die in the United States from the Swine Flu was a 33 year old women who lived in Texas. What makes this tragedy even worse is that she was pregnant and delivered a baby girl while in a coma. Needles to say another child has entered this world without a mother. Liz and Jackie at least got to see their children even if it was just for a moment.
Rosann
I’ve read your blog a number of times, but I was touched by this post. I can’t imagine what you have been through. My prayers are with you and your daughter. Keep doing what you are doing.
Hi Matt,
I’m a relatively new reader and I’ve been catching up on some old posts. I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner because I definitely would have gone to the Rattled! reading. I read about Christine’s book on your blog, and went out and bought it. I really loved it. Hearing your guys’ stories has helped me realize I really do want kids of my own one day.
I live in the LA area so maybe one of these days I’ll be a new
strangerfriend.xx,
*stepho*
My daughter locked herself in the car with the keys once, in a busy gas station parking lot during rush hour in Atlanta. Someone called the cops, who showed up in about five minutes to break the window of our car. We were on a road trip from southern GA up to Ohio, so a broken window would have been the worst ever. I’ve never seen my husband break into a car so fast, using the handle of a 5-gallon bucket from a guy who was selling flowers on the corner.
Good job on not panicking. My daughter laughed at us the whole time, all the while pushing the automatic lock button to lock again and again and again. These things seem to happen in threes, as earlier the same day we got a speeding ticket and our car had broken down.
Thanks for sharing your story, and I have to say that it sounds to me like you’re a pretty great dad.
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