struggling.
not sure why.
may be this triggered it.
somehow i got to thinking
about the notes that
liz
used to write
to me in the
blank cards
she
used to buy.
i think i have
them all.
or at the very
least, most of them.
can’t look at
them yet.
can barely stand
to think
about them.
i will never
see another.
…
she
would come across
them, months, years later
(usually while cleaning my desk)
and would say,
“why do you keep this shit?”
“i don’t know.”
is all i could
ever come up with.
but even before
she
was gone, this ephemera
from these important moments
was something that
i knew i had
to keep.
i just couldn’t
articulate why.
…
recently i
came across a couple
of notes i had
written to her
before heading off
on business trips.
they weren’t in
fancy letter-pressed
cards or on that
expensive-ass stationary
that only a woman
would buy.
no.
they were scrawled out
on 8.5×11 paper,
or on sheets of
lined notebook paper
thoughtlessly torn from one of
those composition books
i’d stolen from work,
the ones with
the black and white covers,
or on any scrap
of paper i could
find as i ran out
the door to
catch my cab.
as i find these
things i think,
“why did she keep this shit?”
i wish i could ask
her.
…
i bought a new
refrigerator a couple
of weeks ago
to replace the one
that had been
fixed twice and
was still leaking water
all over my floor.
a few days before
it was delivered
i looked at the
old one and
realized i needed to
clean it.
yes.
there were things
in that thing
that were transferred
over from
our apartment when
we moved in may 2007,
things that should have
been thrown away
during that move.
but in the
lazy moments of
packing, this shit
got thrown into a
box and transferred here.
but it wasn’t
just the inside
that needed to
be cleaned…
so i removed the
photos, wedding invitations,
recipes, and hand-written
lists of things
liz
wanted me to do
around the house
or pick up from
the grocery store.
and then…
underneath a magnet,
behind a torn piece
of paper with
an e-mail address and
phone number from
the past, there
was the card,
included with some flowers,
that i had
asked the
florist to send to
her
back in september 2007.
i was in india
at the time,
on another business trip,
during what would
be her 30th and
final birthday.
…
the new fridge
has been delivered
and the old one
has been removed.
many of the things
on the inside have
been thrown away.
but the stuff
on the outside…
the photos, wedding invitations,
recipes, and hand-written
lists of things for me
to do, are
on the new one.
and so is that
card.
191 Comments
memories are such treasures, good on ya for keeping them
Beautifully written, Matt.
And those things SHOULD stay on the refrigerator, new or old. If they bring you even the slightest bit of comfort, they should not go anywhere.
I think I would have done exactly the same thing. ((Hugs))
I’m glad you both kept that “shit.” All of those little things, all of your pictures, and all of your memories tell a beautiful, yet tragic, love story.
Now you know why you kept them.
Sorry about the hard night you’re having.
i am sorry.
and you know she kept that shit because she loved you; the same reason you did.
you both had every reason to think you had a trillion more birthdays (or something like that).
you loved her and she loved you and she knew that. she knew that.
Sorry your night is rough. I have a box of cards, movie tickets, etc that I hang on to as well. I haven’t had to go thru what you have, but I don’t through those things away either. Some memories should never be forgotten!
You leave that shit wherever you want them to be. That is where they should be. Big HUGS to you on this tough night.
I am sorry you had a hard night – and it’s so easy to see why. That stuff that sneaks up on you is the hardest. xo
Amanda
My husband asks me all the time why I keep the cards I receive from my family, I always say “I don’t know, I just don’t want to throw them away”. Now I will have a good reason.
I probably would have moved all of the stuff over to the new fridge myself. Especially if it made me feel better.
Sometimes I think you write such good funny blogs and tweets on Twitter that we forget it’s only been a year. This was a nice reminder of why we read this in the first place and it was so touching and such a great reminder of Liz.
That was a beautiful post! It must be so hard to let go of even the smallest things! Don’t ever feel like you have too!!! Sorry you had a tough night!
(((((HUGS))))))
Im sure hugs and kisses from Maddy will help you out a little…or alot!! Its what I would do
These are the things that bring back those memories that fade a little over time…
I keep all of that stuff, too. I always talk about doing a scrapbook, but it’s really just a box full of notes and cards and will probably stay that way. I don’t regret keeping it, though.
I think that all of those things that you transferred from outside of the old fridge to the outside of the new one go beautifully there–I’m sure of it. That’s where they belong.
My heart breaks for you on your difficult night…I’m sorry. Why is it that those moments seem to come out of nowhere sometimes?
You’ve made me think that perhaps I won’t say “why do you keep this shit?” or “we can’t keep all this shit!” anymore. Or at least as often.
I’m sorry to hear you had a bad night, but at least you have your memories and you have your darling Daughter to get you through the hard times.
I’m sorry you are having a rough night (I am too), but I’m glad you have those memories.
I would never presume to make your tragedy about me or my life- but, am I wrong to be a little jealous at the realization that, much to my surprise, I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced what you and Liz shared? I sense that you have a real understanding of how tragically lucky you are to have such a wife and daughter.
I read your blog. I send my $7. I read your friend Heather’s blog as well. Oddly, through your experiences, the children (or maybe child) I was sure I didn’t want for a million pragmatic reasons, in my mind is starting to become more possible. Ironic that such loses in the lives of perfect strangers (even though I sense we might be neighbors -in the LA sense of the word) make me realize that no matter if the relationship is perfect (mine generally are not) the idea of family in any form is beautiful.
I’ve come to believe that even if it seems impossible to do it “alone” and even if beautiful babies sometimes arrive in bodies that don’t do them justice- bodies that aren’t up to the task of giving those children a proper vessel in which to grow old, the greatest sadness of all might come in not trying.
I guess what they say is true. Perfect love doesn’t come unless we’re able to first give perfect love.
All that for a mere $7 a month.
*tears* I would have done the exact same thing. Hope ur having a better day today. Thinkin of u and maddy and liz often.
and now I’m crying. You are not alone, a world of people are rooting for you and Maddie.
This is so sweet. Who would have thought a post about little notes could bring out a bunch of emotions. Some of the other things on that fridge look interesting too.
All of those little thing are so worth keeping. She kept them for the same reasons you kept her cards… little tangible pieces of love. Sorry you are having a hard night….
It’s simple. She kept them for the same reason you keep yours.
She. loved. you. You made her feel loved.
I can’t imagine the pain you feel. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Memories can be uplifting, or they can knock you on your ass. I think it’s beautiful that you put everything back on the new refridgerator. They are things that you can share with Maddy one day.
A picture of my friends son is on my fridge. He passed away and I will NEVER take it off. I like seeing him in the morning, afternoon, and night. Whenever I am in the kitchen I like to see his smiling, handsome face. We have stainless steel so magnets do not stick to it, but I still managed to tuck him on top of the water dispenser. If we ever need to replace the refridgerator, he will be moved to the new one too. I completely understand. I look at that picture when I am making my son breakfast, or when I go into the fridge for milk for my tea, in the middle of the night when I am thirsty…I say good morning to him, I say hello to him when I get home from work. I know next month I will be saying Happy (what would have been) 14th birthday…and I know I will be doing this for a long time. It gives me peace, it makes me feel that he is not forgotten. Somehow it takes just a tiny bit of the raw sting out and dulls the pain…even if it is for just a little bit.
We all keep those little things. She’s always with you Matt.
Those are things that you and Maddy will treasure forever.
Really sorry that you had a rough night. No words will suffice in what I am thinking, or bring you much consolation, but I am thinking of you guys, and praying for peace and comfort.
I would have done the exact same thing…both keeping all the notes and transferring everything from the old fridge to the new one.
I also keep every tiny little piece of paper, every postcard or letter from everyone and my hubby always makes fun of me because of that. But I think memories can fade over time and these little bits and pieces can bring them back when you need them. I lost a box full of pictures and letters from a year I stayed abroad and am very sad because I forgot most of it and don’t have these bits and pieces to remind me.
You should also keep them for Maddy so she can get to know her Mom through them when she is old enough…
And that is where they belong my friend. You both knew that. Hugs to you on your tough night.
The memories are going to sneak up from time to time. Hang in there.
*huge hugs*
Matt, it’s these moments, the little things that hit you like this that must truly be the hardest of all. I know that she is proud of the wonderful father you are to Maddy. I know she is around you in spirit. You are amazing and she knows that too. : )
My husband died quite suddenly and unexpectedly on April 30th, 2006. I still have a list of appointments he wrote for that April and May posted on my refrigerator.
the fridge and the reference to the notes were another kick to the crotch. man how i wish things were different for you guys. i am like liz, leaving notes in obscure places when my husband leaves for the weekend, buying cards…etc. he keeps them and so do i. i just can’t let go of that stuff and your LONG AWAITED
post confirms why its a good idea to hold on.
I still keep a birthday card my step Dad gave me one year. It was a simple card and all it said inside was Happy Birthday Love Curt but I still have it. My Step Dad wasnt the type to remember giving a birthday card but that particular birthday my Mom was at our summer place so just me and him during the week were at the house. My Step Dad died suddenly 11 years ago and I still have that card. Every time I come across it I cry but it is a special thing to me. Save the memories because there are times you need them.
It is amazing what those little notes that we leave for each other, those pieces of us that we freely and carelessly give away…how they can mean so much. Sorry about the hard night.
Another beautiful post Matt. I think it’s great that you have kept all the notes and that Liz did too. What wonderful memories you will have to share with Madeline someday.
You and Madeline are in my thoughts and prayers always.
Although we don’t know why…………..we’re glad we did.
Maddy will really treasure those notes some day. I hope your new fridge serves you well and keeps you from food poisoning.
What a gift to have those notes! My friend’s husband passed away suddenly last fall, leaving her with three little boys to raise. The week before he passed, he left a video camera recording for several hours while he worked on an album (he was a musician). His third son was not yet born when his father passed, but that video is there for him to know his father by.
Those notes will be precious to Madeline one day as well.
Beautiful
So thankful you have those to hold onto, Matt.
Ah Fuck Matt ~ So sorry these memories are being stirred up. I’m glad you kept everything & put it all back on the new fridge ~
My hubs doesn’t believe in Hallmark but instead writes me a letter every year for my birthday (usually on whatever notebook paper he can find lying around) – he used to do it on more occassions than that but…well…being together as long as well have…that unfortunately goes by the wayside sometimes…
I guess my point is – I treasure these letters more than any old Hallmark card or gift and I am sure that Liz treasured yours as well.
much love -
I would have done the same thing and put it all back on the way it was. When my husband and I started dating, he used to write me little notes and such. Then he went into the Navy and we wrote each other while he was at bootcamp. I still have all of the letters and little notes from him. It’s a reminder of when we were apart but also of how much we love each other. Sometimes, I look at them to make myself smile and remember. I used to read them when were apart to cheer myself up when I missed him the most. You will be able to read them soon and it will make you sad but you will remember how much you love Liz. One day you can show them to Maddy so she can see how much you guys loved each other. I’m sorry you had a difficult night. I’m sure every day is a struggle for you. Stay strong and just know you are an awesome dad. Liz would be proud of you!
Oh Matt…I don’t know what to say. Please ask Madeline for a hug and kiss.
I keep EVERYTHING: pictures, invitations, notes written with care or hastily jotted down. People make fun of me for being a pack rat, but I don’t care. Memories (and even people) can come alive again through such keepsakes. I think it’s so touching that Liz teased you for saving all of her notes, yet diligently saved yours as well. You each kept them because they held your love for each other …. and now I’m crying ….
I’m so sorry you’re hurting, Matt. I hope, as always, that you will be able to find plenty of comfort and joy today in Liz’s most eloquent reminder of the love you share (that “future little one” you mentioned in your note).
I have had that same fridge twice (apartment living!) and it leaks! Aruugggh! Happy to hear you’re able to kick it to the curb.
I’d bet Liz was flattered that you kept those notes. It’s sweet. Now you can look forward to Maddy having the pleasure of reading them!
Sending hugs from Texas. So glad you both kept that stuff. And now there’s your reason. Sorry you’re hurting, Matt.
I moved recently. What bothered me was not being able to take the “mirror art” in the bathroom with me.
We’d intentionally steam up the mirrors after a shower and then I’d write notes to my late daughter on them. After every shower, what I had previously written was visible. They were all a testament to my love and feelings for her.
I get it.
With you, Matt.
My best friend and I were suckers for good cards – it was a competition to find the best, most thoughtful cards and if not that then at least something really funny and completely inappropriate. The inside was usually blank though and which left us the chance to write words of wisdom to each other. She died December 25, 2008 from a pulmonary embolism (death on Christmas day seems extra cruel). The history of our lives together written in a series of cards sits in a box a few feet from where I sleep buried in a closet. I can’t open the box – I can’t even look at the box, not yet anyway. Her parents recently gave me a box of cards I had sent her over the years. That box now sits on the other box and one day I will sit down and open both and relive our lives together. From high school graduation, to college graduation, to our first jobs, first loves, broken hearts, new jobs and the start of real careers. I will feel each of the five years we lived together in college – the drunken nights, the final exams that felt like the end of the world and all the little things in between.
But for now I will just look at the boxes and try to forget that there sits the last of her handwriting, the last of her thoughts, the last of her memories, the last of her.
So I get it. Keep everything.
Sending good thoughts your way. Those mementos are what get us through.
Matt –
Some days are better than others & some days you just pretend the crap around your feet isn’t there – just to stay sane 
This is the first comment I’ve made. I read (laughed & cried) my way through all of your posts. Just wanted to add my voice to everyone else’s – You are not alone! You are doing such a fabulous job with Maddy…and in the everyday parenting stuff – we’ve ALL been there
Thanks for being open & sharing your story/journey with us.
Oh man, I wish I had something so amazing to say that would ease your pain, even for a minute. Perhaps, I can make you smile? Check out this link: http://img.moronail.net/img/9/5/895.jpg
Thinking of you and the little peep.
How after more than a year of reading can you still bring tears to my eyes? I am so thankful you have those notes. In a world of a quick email, or tweet, the handwritten word is becoming lost. Madeline will treasure these words of Liz as much as you.I have all the letters written by my husband when we were at different colleges, after 34 years of marriage, I am still glad I kept them. Take care, Matt.
I’m sorry you’re having a rough patch right now. You’re so strong. I’m so glad you both kept that stuff so that the memories could live on. And I’m so glad that you put it all back on the front of the new fridge. A lot of people would have been triggered in a negative way and would have thrown them away, only later to regret they had tossed them. I think it’s awesome that you kept them and put them back on display.
Hang in there and enjoy your time at home with Maddy this weekend!
I’m the same, I keep all my cards that I can. I’m sure Maddy will like reading through them one day, just like she will like reading through this. Memories and mementos are good to have and sometimes we need little notes to jog our memories
I just want to give you a hug right now. I can’t stop crying after reading this post and I hope you know that I am wishing and praying for nothing but happiness and love for you and Maddie. You are an amazing father and human being.
I just moved boxes and boxes of that kind of stuff I have kept in 54 years halfway across the country. My dad keeps asking why I have all that crap. I just say, “because.”
Hugs to you. It’s hard to deal with those memory slaps..but at the same time you’re glad to have them.
Awww. Sorry you’re having a hard time especially now but I’m glad that you both kept onto the little things… I’m sure they help as much as they hurt a touch.
well that fucking sucks – why did you marry such a great girl? Isn’t that the million dollar question?? Thinking of you today.
Matt,
I’m glad you’re keeping all the notes. My father threw away all those mementos when my mother died as he couldn’t deal with them. When I grew up I so wished I had them to look at as I’m sure Madeline will as well. It takes courage to face the pain and keep them and you have that.
Sending you big hugs for a shitty night…You and Maddy are always in my thoughts!
I have kept every letter and card my hubby has given to me, even when we were dating. It’s memories like those you just shared with us, that although they sting, make you smile in your own way, and you can share with Maddy in the future. Thanks for sharing! Hang in there! Have a great wkend! XO
matt- i do the same thing. i save any little piece of paper. i like to put my notes in a box and look back after a few years or when I come across it again. those little thing can bring back wonderful memories that we have forgotten
lots of bloggy love and concern. may sunshine head your way.
(((((HUGS)))))) to you matt sorry about the shitty night also. reading your post made me cry b/c i too keep all notes sent to me from people who have passed. and when i come across them i am awash all those feelings i thought had diminished with time they never go away . maddy one day will see the love between her parents for one another and her. peace and mahalo to you both:OD
Those are things that I’m sure Maddy will treasure when she’s older. It really shows how much her parents loved each other.
Very poignant Matt. New beginnings, ingrained with what made you today.
Good on you sir.
Reading that was a stab in the heart. Small change compared to your pain. Liz probably saved everything because she absolutely adored you. I know I do the same thing with any loved one, including saving voicemails, because I always have a “what if” mentality and if the worst happens I want evidence of them. The voicemail thing is tricky as well because my phone only saves so many. I can’t tell you how treasured birthday cards are from my grandfather now that he’s gone. Good luck with the new fridge!
I have a box of letters, cards, notes that I’ve kept since I was old enough to realize that I am, in fact, a pack rat. Sometimes I go back through them and smile and cry and even cringe at the silly things my friends I would write to each other, or how at the time I thought that email the boy I was crushing on sent me was sooooo cute, but in actuality was really really lame.
Don’t throw them away. Ever. Always keep that ‘shit.’
Have you thought about putting all of the cards and notes together and making a collage?
being that i’m a pack rat, i save most of the cards and crap that i’m given. i’ve thrown away some stuff but there are some things i just can’t seem to let go of. if having those notes/cards/lists make you feel better then keep them. i wish you didn’t have to struggle so much, wish liz was with you right now. my husband is gone for the weekend and i’m missing him like crazy. can’t imagine being in your shoes. i’m going to hug him extra tight when he gets home and give him some sappy corny card to let him know how much i love him. hugs to you and the little cutie pie.
I think we hold on to those things because they are little pieces of that person we love! Whether we get to spend a lifetime or a few years, they are something we can look back on and remember a certain time in our lives. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to go back on those memories, but maybe with time you’ll look back on cards and notes as pieces of Liz that you get to hold onto forever! I hope you are having a better day…I’m sure Maddy is seeing to that!
I have been reading your story for a couple of weeks and find you so real. Thanks for all you share. So many people care about you and Maddie and wish they could have known Liz. I care too now and wish you peace and love, someone will be there for you when the time is right, but these days are important for you to grow. The bad nights will pass, its natural.
I’m so glad you put them back on the new fridge.
I’m a pack rat too. Never throw anything away until you are SURE that you’ll never want to see it again. You can always pitch it later, but you’ll never get it back. That was a really sweet note you wrote to Liz, by the way. I woulda kept it.
I am so glad you kept it. Most of all, I am so glad you found it. It is reminders like that that should comfort you (maybe?) that your wife died a loved, happy woman. She was loved by you deeply and you showed her in so many ways.
I have kept every single note, letter, card, etc that my husband has written since we first started dating in ’94. Reading this makes me want to keep them even more. Hugs.
For the same reason I never deleted old voicemails from 4 yrs back. We all need memories. Glad you have those memories. Funny how one little paper can bring a memory rushing back and bring a smile to your face.
I keep everything. Every ripped paper my kid drew on, every note written by them, and definitely every card.
I have a photo of a student from 1983. He wrote “Love You” on the back. It’s looking at me now. . . Not the picture, but the back side.
Keep the stuff. Someday, you will tell this beautiful story to Madeline, and she will love it too.
Good post.
So lovely to have these little forgotten memories.
Just HUGS.
I know how special it is to be able to see the handwritting of the one we loved….It is a special connection somehow.
Sorry you are sad tonight.
I’m so very glad that you both kept all of these things. All of the things that will remind you of what was. All of the things that one day Madeline will be able to read. So she can learn more about her mother. About what she means to you and who she was as a person. So she can know about the love her parents have for one another.
hug your sweet girl, and feel better soon
I keep a note that my late father stuck under my windshield wiper. It says “I <Éœ U.” I can’t throw it away. Ever.
Hope you are better today.
When the memories sneak in, and show themselves, I always like to believe the person is sending us a message…. Still here…good job you are doing…. I love you….Wish I could be there….messages from above…
I have a note that my late father stuck under my windshield wiper. It just says “I (heart) U.” I will never throw it away. These are the talismans they leave us. New here, but your story touched my heart in a million ways.
I have always kept cards,letters, and little things that important people in my life have given to me. My parents (the opposite of pack rats) have always questioned it, but you never know when reading an old card or note will make your day so much better. Since my grandmother passed away, I have all of her cards and notes scattered around my apartment and my mom now wishes that she had kept some that my g-ma wrote to her.
Matt, I’ve never commented to you before but I’ve been reading for awhile. You see, I’m following you on this awful journey. I lost my husband 6 months ago and I know. I just know. Even something like food is sentimental now. There are things that I’ve held on to that only he would eat. Other people might not understand. But to me and our sons, it’s normal to have that stuff around. So I will keep it…for now.
Hey Matt,
I think you know the answer to the question you use to ask yourself, as to why Liz kept that “shit”. We women tend to keep all those things, just ” incase.” I have EVERY note, but one, that my husband has ever given me. I remember when my he would go on a business trip, I wouldn’t wash our sheets, his clothes or erase ANY of his voicemails until he came home, safely. NOW I wish I would have NEVER erased the voicemails. John died in December from a massive heart attack. Who would have thought he wouldn’t come home from work? All this time I worried about him not returning safely from his flights, and there he was, at work. I should have kept EVERY voicemail. I have nothing now. I still have all the notes, cards, and letters, but no voice, only one very short video and he only says two words, very quietly. I have John’s picture on the front of our frig., I say “morning Johnny” each and every day. It’s nice to see that you put the letter back on your frig. Keeping all that “shit” has meaning and comfort now, but I’d give it all up, just as you would, just to have one moment with them again. I hope you have a better day, hugs to you, Lorry
Amazing how the most everyday things become meaningful when we lose someone. I love that you put it all up on the new fridge. Liz would be proud that you kept “that shit”.
it’s funny, i always wonder about what the inventor of the fridge thinks about its gallery status. what a pandora’s box of emotions. there is a song by travis that i love which makes think about your refrigerator experience. it’s called slideshow and it’s on The Man Who cd. here. “there is a slideshow and it’s so slow, flashing through my mind…” i save everything. i would do the same thing.
aw hun. you never cease to amaze me with your strength for your precious maddie. my thoughts are with you.
I just found your blog, read some of the history, and my heart is broken for you. Your daughter is adorable and very lucky to have a daddy who loves her so much and is trying so hard to be a good father.
Since our house is on the market we have to have all ‘the important’ papers off the fridge. It was the first thing that really made me realize that this house is no longer going to be my house. A full fridge of notes makes a house a home. Glad you left your home as is.
(((hugs)))
I have a letter that my Mom wrote to me before she died, because she knew that she would not be here much longer. It is the greatest treasure anyone has ever given me…a piece of her that I will always have. I keep it close by my bed in case I am lonely for her. Hold onto these things, they will be important to Maddie some day. She can hold that note in her hands and know that her mother held it in hers as well. Take care.
It’s ok to keep that stuff.
I keep stuff like that too. always have.
*Hugs* from Canada to you both!! Sorry you had such a rough night Matt…but you did what I think anyone else would have done…put all the notes etc. back on the new fridge…that is definitely where they belong!! Hold onto the memories…they will bring you and Maddie so much joy in the years to come…and what great things to show Maddie from her Mom one day..she will treasure them like you do!! They were kept for a reason…because the love you both shared is SO obvious!! She loved you as much as you loved her!! Hope today is easier for you guys!! Thinking of you both often!! Your strength still amazes me Matt
not sure what to say…just know you are not alone
Everyone has already said it more eloquently than I ever could, but I did want to let you know that I was thinking of you tonight, Matt. Hope tomorrow dawns a little brighter.
I would sit there and cry (like right now) and do the same damn thing.
take care
So sorry you’re having a bad night. Memories always seem to cut both ways, The pieces of paper, the pictures, the notes, they truly are where you need them to be. And they can stay there forever if that’s what you want to do. We get through shit however with can, and no one can tell you what’s the best way or the right way, because there isn’t one. It’s whatever it is that helps you. I know you have plenty of people to talk to, but if you want to shout into the void or scream and throw shit, I will walk that path with you because that’s exactly what I want to do. Instead, I hug my daughter, born the same day as Maddy, and cry. Please take care of yourself and truly, feel free to email me if you need to scream.
That just made me cry. Oh, Matt, I’m so sorry. I’m just so damned sorry. I’m glad you have all those notes. One day, Maddy will be able to read them and get a glimpse of the wonderful person her mama was. Gentle hugs to you.
dude, maddy will love that shit. it’ll be fun to go through it with her someday. Maybe her wedding day?
I would have done the same thing. (((HUGS)))
*hugs*
I look forward to the day when we all see some of Maddie’s precious artwork stuck up beside all those memories!
I don’t blame you. The little things that don’t really seem important can turn out to be very meaningful.
Lots of Love!
Thinking of you and sending happy thoughts!
I happened to read the comments this time and am sitting here in awe of what Eliza wrote. Those were the exact words that I needed to read, on this particular evening, of this particular day…thanks.
Matt, I have a beautiful note in extremely shaky cursive writing that is the last thing my grandmother ever wrote to me. She’s been gone 12 years, but when I see her handwriting and read the note, I remember her in a good way, without too much sadness. In time, I hope these things will do the same for you. I have that note in a fireproof box, along with important household stuff. Safeguard these things…you will treasure these memories, and so will Madeline someday. I’ve been reading your blog faithfully for almost a year but have only commented once before, last summer, when I was still pregnant with my daughter (who is now a nine-month-old blond-haired blue-eyed cutie just like Madeline). You are doing such a great job…and I have picked up some tips from you along the way, so never doubt your parenting skills! Here’s hoping that tomorrow is a better day for you. All the best.
Matt: Sorry you are having a bad night. I have every card that was sent to me from my husband and my parents since my husband and i got married. We will be married 20 years on July 20, 2009. The Christmas before Jackie died she gave me a gift certificate from the Salon she worked at. I just used it in March. I felt bad using it because it was the last thing she gave to me. My brother received two cards from Jackie after she passed away. That Sunday, June 15th was Father’s Day and Tuesday June 17th was his birthday. She told him the night they were in Labor and Delivery that she had cards for him and that were in the bathroom closet in case she forgot to give them to him. She died less than 12 hours later. She signed the card saying he would always be the love of her life. I know that he still pays to have her cell phone on because it is the only thing that has her voice on it and he listen’s to it daily.
So from reading this post it only reaffirms what I thought the longer it get’s the deeper the heart ache.
Once again, I am attaching our video of Sophia please watch our story when you have a chance.
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=8ca85df3f0f4d62c9a76ea&skin_id=1603&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=email
Must be in the air today.
I had a hard time missing my boy. I wish I had something from him to find. It seems he was just a mist of dream some days.
Thinking of you, my new friend.
Hi Matt
I’m sorry about your crappy night. Maybe you could scan the cards, transfer them onto fabric, and make a quilt. You can literally wrap yourself in Liz’s love. I know it can be done, though I’m not sure exactly how. I’m sure there are some crafty people here.
I also keep things like that. I think when you lose someone, any little thing that you can hold on to, to make you feel closer to them for just that second, is a good thing. I keep birthday cards that people give my kids, if for nothing else for my children to be able to see their grandparents handwriting in the future when they are no longer around. I kept every florist card that my husband wrote out when he sent me flowers (doesn’t happen as often anymore lol). And in the moment I suppose we don’t pinpoint why we do this, but it is in the back of our mind that someday, this person we love may not be there to write those things to us anymore, so we keep them, just in case. And I will be so glad that I did, some day. Maddie will be glad one day that both her dad and mom kept “shit” like that.
*HUGS* I have every letter and card Matt has ever given me or wrote me. And some how I always find the ones I have wrote him from day one. And they are all kept. I’m old fashioned in that way that I hold on to it all, just in case. I’m glad that you both held on to those things. They will mean so much to Madeline one day. Sorry for the hard night…..I can only hope it slowly gets better (the hurt). *HUGS*
Oh, good lord, Matt. I’m so glad you kept them. I can’t imagine what it feels like to find those, but I think I’m happy that you get to.
((Oh.))
I keep everything, notes, ticket stubs, anything that holds any semblance of a memory. My husband has never understood it, even when we were dating. But this is why. Some nagging part of me can’t let go, in case someday I need to hold on. He was in Iraq for a year and I saved every message he ever left me, just in case I needed to hear his voice. He was home for almost a year before I could bear to erase them, before I felt safe enough to rely on his real voice.
I would have done the same thing as you. I’m so glad you have that card (and the others) to remember the good times.
Beautiful post, as usual.
So what you’re really saying is that we should mail the refrigerator warming gifts (e.g., beer) on Monday?
I hope tomorrow is a better day.
xxxxx
You are not ready to move those yet and that is okay. You are so great about knowing yourself and what is best for you. That is all that matters — what is best for you (and Madeline).
Had a moment like this myself this week. I was cleaning up our home office and came across a card my mom sent me in December 2005, when I was still working on my Bachelor’s degree. The fall semester had just ended and I managed straight A’s that semester and remember reminding her how she and my dad used to give my brothers and I money when we did well on our report card when we were kids. I joked to her that if only she still did that, since I did so well. A few days later, I received a card with $30 in it, and a note from her saying that she was giving me $10 for every A and to spend the money on myself and that I better not return it to her, telling her I had been ‘just kidding.” I remember relaying the story to my oldest brother and having a laugh over it. Well, to come across that card and read it all over again made me laugh and cry at the same time. That card means so much more to me now because I lost both my parents in 2008, just 9 months apart.
The ephemera of a life can seem small and unimportant.
But as you say, they’re not. Precious couldn’t be a more understated word to describe the jottings and emotions which span across so much time and love.
Shit days, bitter-sweet moments and happy memories. The first two will go eventually, and yet the third can somehow still endure.
I’m sorry, Matt. spirits up.
Asalmu Alaykom Matt,
I am living in a house which three months ago had a beautiful 6-year-old bouncing about being silly. It’s not my house. It’s not my refrigerator and those pictures tacked up with magnets are not mine to take down. My friend who owns this house needs that refrigerator to be full of the life that once was. Interesting how the contents in the refrigerator might change but the contents outside are frozen in time.
I remember the Oprah guest who de-clutters houses telling grieving parents to only keep the memorabilia which brings happiness to the life now. Eventually, with new things and new times, those items will become evident.
touching post, matt. i’m glad you saved all those notes, and i’m sure maddie will, too. i’m nostalgic with notes, myself. since i just turned 30, it reminds me- again- to make every moment count. thank you for sharing. i can really feel what you are feeling thru your blog. sending hugs!!
I have the last few cards my grandparents gave me and will never throw them away…I also have my wedding dress reciept that my nana signed in my wallet, the last shopping trip we took together…the little things that you think wouldn’t matter, matter SO much. I’m sorry you had a bad night friend and hope that you are feeling better. I’m glad the new fridge looks like the old fridge. *HUGS*
xoxoxoxo,
Tricia and Bella
I am sorry, I do not understand who this “Grace” person is. She makes the oddest comments at the strangest times, and seems totally inappropriate to me. Am I the only one? If you click on her profile I get some weird message from Comcast. Maybe here is not the place to write this, but I just don’t get it.
Beautifully said Matt. And it’ perfectly okay to keep everything on that fridge. I don’t believe I’ve cleaned off my fridge at my dad’s house. My mom’s notes are still all over it after 3 years.
Maddy will enjoy looking at these someday. ((hugs))
Hi Matt…I still have notes my girls wrote in grade and high school as they rushed out the door. Like when they wanted to say I love you, or sorry!, or can we have tacos for dinner?, or we need shampoo, or can you meet me for lunch (or bring my lunch), or I like you hair that way. It makes you look cute, or remember to think of me at my interview. All of it was little. All was mundane yet special. But ALL of it was kept. These tidbits read like a journal of our life and brings a laugh, a rueful smile or comfort. Enjoy this process. If it is happy, keep that precious note and memory. If it hurts, feel it anyway, and then decide if you want to meet it again in the future. No? Toss it and ‘remember to forget it’. You are doing so great. Got year “two” of events and holidays ahead and you will plow through it and be OK — because you are a survivor. Stop and hug Maddy and feel the joy of being together facing this life. Tomorrow will come and the years begin to mellow. Promise. Thinking of you.
I’m really sorry that you had a hard night. My hope is that you have fewer hard nights than great ones…
I just wrote a post about grief…my husband’s Aunt killed herself..it’s a whole strange new world when you lose someone you love. I emailed you a few months back, I hope you got it. Your straightforward way of presenting your life is really touching. Hang in there.
Some days, nights, moments are just going to be hard. I don’t think the reasons why are really important. It’s your heart honoring your love and loss. Keep writing, keep talking, ride the wave. Big hug!
You were delt a fucked up hand and it will always be fucked up
I save all that shit. Florist notes, hand written notes, cards. They are far and few between, but I adore them. You reminded me why, they are a part of my life, a part of remembering.
I am so sorry for your pain. I have never suffered such a loss. You and your beautiful daughter will have times that you question why, but you will have each other to help get through difficult times. I am glad you have the little things that real life are made up of. Each card, note, scrap of paper has part of your beautiful wife embedded in it. Blessings!
I have to send you that album cover. I’m an asshole.
Will get it out soon… totally understand keeping the shit up everywhere.
I’ve kept all the notes my (now) wife wrote me in high school and college, still folded just as originally did. It’s seemed silly at times, but after reading this, I’m glad I still have them.
i’m so glad you kept these handwritten notes from Liz for these are the memories Maddy will rely on to know her mummy
I write those notes to my husband. To us, it is the little things that mean the most. Hang on to those, they will get through this all. As hard as it is, you still have those. When my Husband was in Iraq(5 years ago) we couldn’t just chat over the phone or internet until almost 8 months into his 13 month tour. All we had was good old snail mail. Those letters from him are cherished. He saved every single letter I wrote him and I wrote him a letter every.single.day. that he was gone. We will pass those down to our kids one day.
All the stuff on the new fridge. As it should be. xooooo
hugs.
Someday, those notes and cards and little momentos will be great for madeline to look at and “know” her mom & dad and the love they shared. Nothing can tell those stories better than those simple little scraps of paper. Beautifully written Matt. I’m so sorry you had a rough night.
We love you Matt, keep your chin up, (that way Liz can see you better from heaven). Stop by my blog sometime… Its not as crazy as yours…. I only have four followers. Mckmama said she would follow me but she is a little crazy busy right now… understandably. I would love you as a follower too!
I think those little momentos are the hardest to part with and the most valuable. I love that you put them on the new fridge. Here’s a tip for you, when Madeline starts really walking (or you might even want to do it now), move everything to the top of the fridge. Otherwise, you’ll be chasing magnets and momentos all over your house…
I actually have little scraps of paper from my guy that he writes names of songs on, one he needs/wants to learn for his gigs. I’ll always keep them. Along with his notes. He’s moving in and I got a glimpse of a pile of cards and notes from last year from my girls and me (to him). Even though some of it is “shit”, I love that he has kept it all.
Honestly – this all totally fucking blows…I’m thanking God for Madeline
wow….touching…a little quote I found to be so fitting….
“if ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together…there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart…I’ll always be with you.”
Liz is always with you and precious Maddy…
Best of luck.
Matt, this is the first time I’ve commented on your blog, I admire your strength. I know you hear this often, but Maddie is lucky to have the immeasurable love from her dad (let alone all of your blog watchers)
In the words of my fav. Mraz “it takes a hole to make a mountain”
This was the first time a blog post made me cry. I travel all the time for work and have never thought of writing notes or sending letters while I was away. I feel selfish and lazy. I always thought a long lasting really good kiss goodbye was enough along with funny and mooshy texts throughout the day.
But with time those memories fade and the texts get erased.
I think I’m going to start writing…not just on the internet.
Our first baby is due in 40 days.
I’m scared to death.
When you’re going through hell, keep going….
Matt –
Oh man, I’m sorry youre down. Really. I cant even imagine what goes through your mind on a daily basis. I can’t even begin to imagine that I would have the strength that you seem to carry. We can all try to imagine, but unless we walk in your shoes, we really don’t know. It’s ok to have low points.
I read your blog often, and you are truly a gem..seriously…you are a phoenix. I have often wondered after I have read your posts …how many guys could search the depths of themselves as you clearly have to raise their child and lovingly keep the memory of their wife alive.
Try to relax..one day at a time my friend… I know that sounds so goofy..btw, I love Iron & Wine too….AHH! I bummed he’s coming NOWHERE near me! Good music is healing.
been away for awhile, rough time for me in my relationship, been together 12 years since hs. being the sahm and starting a business with daddy being burnt out from his job. its hard, but damn i come back to you and you are doing it alone, makes me think, i need to love my husband better, and leave more notes again.
Beautiful post.
I teared up a little bit.
I keep everything my husband has ever written me. One, because he doesn’t do it often and I like proof to know that he does have a TINY romantic bone in his body. And two, because you never know what’ll happen. Plus, they cheer me up sometimes when I find one.
my husband has been gone less than a year. recently, i found a card he wrote me for my first mothers day – the only one he would ever write. he was like you – more the ‘whatever’s lying around will do’ kind of note writer. this, however, was on (what seemed at the time) a terribly cheesy hallmark card. a short note, but i, too, keep all that crap. not because i feared i’d lose him and need these reminders, but because it’s a physical manifestation of love, something tactile and real. you can’t hold the feeling you have at that moment – writing a note or reading it the first time – you can’t hold that emotion in your hand, but you can hold the note, and know the love was there, is there, will always be.
Liz placed it there for you to find this week, when you needed to read it.
OK, I’ll try to cut my husband some slack in this department. We’re house hunting and I keep telling him that we have to have an extra room and basement just for all his “stuff”. The man keeps everything. Love notes and cards I can understand, but he’s still got old tennis shoes from the 80′s, receipts galore, original boxes that stuff came in, etc. The list is long I tell you…very long.
But I do know my favorite door in the house is the door that I have plastered with artwork from my kids. To me, there’s no better artist in the world, than your own child. And I do know that since reading your blog I take tons of pictures and videos of the ones that I love cause tomorrow is a luxury, not a promise.
wow – I am so sad you were having a tough night. I hope you feel better today. Just pick that beautiful little girl up and hug, hug, hug her.
Matt I am also a keeper of things. Everywhere I’ve traveled, I have something from that place, even if it’s only a ticket stub or something small. Cards, letters, notes from my family or friends- I have them all. They are treasures for all different reasons.
It does not surprise me at all that Liz also held on to the notes and cards from you. Her smile in every picture you have says to me that she adored you and I’m certain that she kept those things so she could share them with Maddie one day. Now you will be able to.
I continue to admire your strength. I love see how many of us are out here, still rooting for you, creepin around, laughing, crying and cussing along with you. We aren’t going anywhere!
I’m sending hugs, for both pieces of Liz’s heart there in L.A.
Take care…
My husband and I have known eachother for 8 years and just got married in October. We had our first fight last night… I was reading some blogs this morning trying to find something to take my mind off of everything. Some pics or humorous posts to make things all better. Some how I managed to come across your blog, and it made me realize how insignificant our fight was. For some reason, I spent my first two hours (at work …. shhhhhh) reading through your blog.
I really enjoyed reading your journey…. Keep up the great work… It sounds like you are an excellent father. I only hope that I can rise to be a better person and not sweat the stupid little things in life.
I also am a keeper of “shit” and am often asked why I keep it all…. it seems to make things easier….
I am glad you have the memories!
Matt,
I’ve been a constant reader for awhile but too shy to comment, though this post really spoke to me.
Almost six years ago (when I was 14) my father unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack in his sleep. The first thing I did was take the last hand-written note he left me on 8.5×11 lined notebook paper (Meg, I’ll pick you up from school and take you to the orthodontist, Love you, Dad) and pasted it to my mirror so I could see it every morning. There’s something about the sentiment behind small notes like that and seeing the handwriting of someone you love who’s lost that is comforting and heart wrenching at the same time.
I know the situation is different but I understand as much as I can.
I’m a keeper too. I keep stuff I know I dont need to keep beyond the special ephemora.. I’m learning to let go of some things, but hand written notes? cards? nope… Not tossing those.
Welcome to my world. No husband to talk too, and he would know exactly what to do. This still sucks and always will because we had a child together.
http://www.snotr.com/video/2630
My husband sends me flowers on the first day of school every year and I save each of the cards and hang them by my desk. Nites are some of the best memories.
Matt, You are doing so awesome! Liz is looking after you and smiling, each day!
My folks passed away over the last few years. The job of clearing out their home fell to me.
They kept EVERYTHING. Old warranties on appliances long since gone. Each and every bill they ever received. Every card and letter. Billions of pictures. Even the ones with just an anonymous arm or leg in them. As I cleaned, I thought to myself ‘Why did they keep this shit?’.
It took me a while, but it finally dawned on me that I wasn’t just clearing out a house. I was seeing their story unfold. Love letters from my father when he was in Korea, each one carefully read and then read again. Engagement pictures and articles. Then came the wedding and the babies. The cards and letters they received when their 2nd child died. And then, the final chapter, with their funeral notices and guest books, and floral cards.
Anyway, it wasn’t the shit I thought it was. I’m glad they kept everything and I’m glad I found it. Particularly the love letters. If I were you, I’d put them in a box and let your daughter find them some day. Save your story for her. It’ll make her smile. I promise.
My husband died almost 4 years ago and I still have all the notes he wrote me. I don’t usually think about them much but the other day I was going thru my lockbox to find something and I came across them. I read them and got very sad. Even 4 years later it still hurts to read them. I know exactly how you feel.
matt, you should really read the book “out of the canyon” by Art and Allison Daily. My boyfriend of 1.5 years is a widower with 3 kids, and the book was really a wonderful healing tool (for me, he hasn’t read it YET). Art Daily lost his wife and 2 boys when a boulder fell on their car. The story chronicles his healing and his memories. I hope you’ll read it.
Somebody in our life passed away a few years ago, survived by her husband. About six months ago, my husband and I were at our friend’s house helping him out with something, and we came across an entire stash of cards tied together with a pink ribbon.
The strange thing was that she and I were never that close. Our husbands grew up together, but we stuck to superficial topics like kids and marriage and pets and neighbors. But a few weeks before she passed away, we got to talking about how our husbands had won us over. She mentioned that he would write these haphazard little notes, and it was to her like having a tangible version of his love whenever he wasn’t around. I completely understood because when my husband does that – writes a card or note or sends flowers or anything – I cherish it because it’s like having a piece of him close to me, a piece I can touch and experience a thousand times over, when he isn’t there.
When we found those ribbon-tied cards, my husband’s friend shook his head and said he never understood why she kept crap like that, it’s not like he’d written the great American novel.
So I told him.
It might not have been the same reason for Liz, but I’m sure it was probably something very similar. I know that doesn’t ease the pain of finding them or dealing with them, but I hope against hope that it helps you realize that the specific reasons for something like that doesn’t matter. She kept them because she loved you and that was that.
You are such an amazing father. I hope to marry a man exactly like you one day
I’m glad you kept all that shit. You need it around. I still (sometimes) kick myself, 14 years later, for throwing away a Valentine’s Day card from my brother. I can still see it, remember exactly what it looked like and said. How was I to know he’d be gone soon after that? So yeah, it’s good you kept all that shit. Someday you’ll want to look at it.
You’re the most amazing person I’ve never met. Word escape me about your post…no matter how hard I try, the way your words made me feel will never come out how I want them to in this comment. What you and Liz had is something most don’t experience in a lifetime.
Watched ‘UP’ in the theater yesterday and thought about you…
Good for you. I would have transferred them too.
… and some day madeline will love looking through all of that… proud tha tyou kept them.
You are a lovely man with a beautiful little dolly. Let your memories and hidden reminders fill you always.
My Dad dies five years ago and it was sudden and he was young. I kept his cell number in my phone for so long and I transfer it to every new cell phone I have.
Sometime I just like knowing it is there.
I wish you Peace.
@tuesday
i am so sorry for your loss.
i got a new phone a few months ago and liz’s numbers were transferred over. hard to see them sometimes, but mostly comforting.
m.
It really ironic that your a “FAMOUS” blogger who doesn’t blog anymore.
God love ya. I know you can’t help but miss her. You keep remembering and healing.
I can not wait to read more about your adventures. The problem with becoming famous, is there are expectations of you. Those of us that have followed since the beginning, only support you and Madeline.Those that wait with baited breathe, do not undersatnd the emotions and depth of your writing. I am almost sorry that this blog has to meet both groups of people,but hopefully, both groups meet a purpose. All my best wishes. Lori
I’ve been away for so long and I get this when I come back. Thank you Matt.
this was my e-mailed response to SSS:
@Lori in the TX
thank you.
i think some people lose sight of what the fuck is going on here.
this is not just a source of entertainment.
this is my life.
Matt,
You are so right. Those of us that “know you and Madeline’ will be here. The others will come and go. Please know, our hearts are in this for the long run, not the first birthday but graduation from kindergarten. You. are a great guy, and Madeline has all of our hearts.
Liz,
remains.
@matt in response to @lori in the TX:
thanks for that matt. not that i thought of your life as a source of entertainment necessarily…but what you said there made me stop and think…of course you didn’t want this blog to be what it is. (cause it is what it is because liz died) and this isn’t a soap opera…it is your life and maddy’s life. so like lori said, as much as i look forward to and love reading your updates, it was nice to be reminded…you aren’t living your life for or through this blog. you are living..so just keep on keeping on…….
I’d be so disappointed to think that any comments here would cause you any annoyance/frustration /anger. You don’t need any of that from strangers or friends because you have enough going on in your life. Don’t waste one minute of time on those negative posts. You never asked to be a widower who blogs but this is what you choose to do in order to cope with your stress and grief. We, the strangers who peer into your life, should feel blessed that you are so open and willing to talk about your journey. You don’t owe us anything. Thank you very much for everything. I think I speak for many readers…you make us better parents/spouses/friends.
Keep doing this for you and for Maddy (your love letter to Maddy). Continue to be a great daddy to that little baby…. I mean toddler!!!!
SSS is freaking lame…What a loser.
This post is one I had to respond to. My husband very seldomly writes notes or includes cards in gifts, but the few he has given me I have. I even have pieces of paper where he scrawled, “Have a nice day, get some milk, love you” type notes because HE wrote and it’s something I can touch and read later and say, “Aww he loves me”
Your posts about missing beautiful Liz always make me tear up, if not cry. My fiance and I are in a stupid fight right now. I’m going to roll over and hug him after I hit “post comment.” Thank you Matt.