on thursday night
awesome auntie
deb arrived from
san francisco, david
flew back to
minnesota and rachel
arrived in los angeles.
busy night, leading to
an even busier weekend.
friday morning
i said goodbye
to madeline,
who was to
stay in los angeles
with her auntie,
and by 9:30am
rachel was in my passenger
seat and we were
on our way to
san diego for what
may be the
the single most
depressingly-titled conference
i have ever
heard of…
the national conference on widowhood.
yeah.
not the kind of
event i would
normally go to,
but michele
told me i had to speak
asked me to speak,
so i agreed to go.
as incentive,
she told me that
i could set up a
table at the conference
and use my time
to spread the
word about the
awesome.
still, hanging out
with a bunch
of widows sounded
about as much
fun as getting
kicked in the
nuts repeatedly.
but i’ve been
through a lot
worse since
liz
died, so why
the fuck not?
so we headed south
on the 5, getting
stuck in traffic
along the way.
i spent the whole
time talking to
rachel, answering
her questions with
every inane detail
i could possibly add.
at one point,
i had to slam on
my brakes to
come to a sudden stop.
i looked in my side
mirror to see
if we were going
to get rear ended…
luckily the driver behind
me was kind enough
to not hit us.
but before i
could turn my
attention to the
windshield, i saw a
dude on a motorcycle
swerve on to
the shoulder, wobbling
like a kid
who just had
the training wheels
removed from his/her bicycle.
he recovered without
wiping out, so
i figured it was
okay to laugh.
only later did i
see later why he
had such a hard
time controlling his bike…
there, on the shoulder,
was a sign that
said, “caution – fresh oil on shoulder.”
rachel burst out
laughing as i exclaimed,
“oil? what the fuck? why would they do something like that?”
soon enough we
were in san diego.
rachel jumped in
the driver’s seat
and headed to coronado
island to see her
grandparents while
i wandered the hotel
trying to find the
spot where food
was being served
for the speakers.
i sat down
and noticed immediately
that i was the
only man.
of course.
only husbands die, right?
well, i know
that’s not the case,
but seriously,
where the fuck
are the men?
no time for the
question to be answered.
it was time to
eat and talk.
i met some great
women, and i heard
about the lives
they led before
and after,
and despite our
obvious differences,
we had a lot
in common.
maybe too much.
anyway, lunch ended
at the perfect time…
10 mins to 3:00,
time to meet some
of my blogging
widow friends for
some booze.
they arrived slowly,
but there they were…
melodie, candice, janine, abigail
and there were
the non-blogging widows,
and then there
was my old
(not in age)
widow friend, kim.
and there was
rachel, back from
visiting her grandparents
and the only
person there with
a living spouse.
and there was jackie.
i’ve been looking
forward to meeting
her ever since
we first spoke
about march 25, 2008.
as far as
the rest of them go,
i’ve seen all of
their blogs
and i know that
we have a lot
in common, but all
i could wonder
as they arrived is,
will they be fun
to drink with
or am i going to
have to fake
a heartattack to escape?
well, it turns out
that they’re
pretty rad.
all of them.
rad enough that
the afternoon
drinking session didn’t
suffice, so a bunch
of us went to
dinner after attending
the, “get to know
some other widows” session.
we were joined
by another blogger, erynn,
and her mother-in-law.
for a great meal.
we were also
joined by
april, a widow
with three children.
we’ve talked by e-mail
over the last
few weeks.
and there were others.
i talked way
too much, and i’m
pretty sure i swore
enough to scare
erynn’s mother-in-law
into never speaking
to me again,
but i suppose i needed
the practice
for the speech
i was to deliver
the next day.
dinner ended and
it was
time for a photo.
a dude sitting
nearby said to me,
“what’s your secret?”
the implication being
that i’m awesome
because i was
surrounded by women.
my answer?
“you don’t want to know”
he stared blankly,
at me, looking
almost brain-dead.
“trust me. you really don’t want to know.”
with that, we
were out the
door, led my melodie,
toward some more drinks.
she walked us
in a big circle,
leading us back
to the hotel,
where she announced
that she was
going to bed.
whatever.
the heartiest of the
bunch found ourselves
in one of the
hotel bars,
where we were
joined by my
real-life widow
friend, andrea.
we drank and laughed
until the place
closed, then we
were off to the
other hotel bar.
for fear of repeating
myself, let’s
just say this
pattern continued
until almost 1:00.
i said goodbye to
those who were
still there
and went to my
hotel room for
some sleep.
saturday morning
i got up early and
met the rest
of the ladies
at the opening ceremonies,
where we heard an
impassioned speech from
the event organizer, michele.
i’d like to say
that she set the
tone for the event,
but for the
people i hung out with
the night before,
i think the tone
had already been set.
the purpose of the
conference was to
get a bunch of like
minded people
together to learn
from our shared
experiences and to
prove that widows
are not all old
women, dressed in black.
point taken,
but again i asked myself,
“where the fuck are the men?”
i saw a couple
as i scanned
the room, but it
turns out that
none of them
were widowed.
they were volunteers,
or new husbands,
or friends.
made me think
of all of those
photos of madeline…
“alone, but not really”
anyway, after
michele’s speech,
i went with rachel
to a talked entitled,
“do infants grieve?”
learned a little
bit but mostly
it was a session
that reinforced some
of my beliefs and
actions with madeline since
liz
died.
it was also a
session during which
i could add my
2 cents and help
change the language
used to describe
people in my situation.
the language was all
about moms doing this,
dead fathers
not doing that.
to be fair,
most of the
speakers knew that
there were
no men at the event,
so their talks
were aimed at the women.
that said, i think
there needs to
be a bit
of recognition
for the men in
the world who
face these circumstances.
(off my soapbox).
after the talk,
i went with
rachel to set up
the table for
rachel womaned
the table
while i wandered around.
when the conference
attendees came into
the room, we
were both there
to help sell the
foundation and
to talk about the
good we plan
to do in the future.
we had a few
people stop by,
but i’m not sure
if they wanted info
or the chocolate
we had on the table.
jackie stopped by and
answered questions for
a bit
(decided to make her do a little work since she’s on the foundation’s board).
i figured the
ladies were more
than capable of
talking about the
foundation without me,
so i went back
to my room
to prepare for my speech,
and by prepare
i mean take a
30 minute nap.
woke up 25 minutes
before my speech,
still no idea
what to say.
i mean, i suppose
i did know what
to say because i
was just talking about
my life, but still,
no outline, no notes,
nothing.
here’s the thing
about me…
i’m pretty sure
i’ve mentioned it
here before, but
i never would have
been able to
get up and speak
in front of people before
liz
died.
it’s amazing the
fears you get over
after speaking at
two funerals for your
wife.
…
5 minutes before the
speech i learned that
there was a computer
and a projector
at the podium.
awesome.
i decided to use
some visual aids
to distract the
listeners from
my obvious lack
of preparation.
photos of madeline and
liz
should do the trick.
people came into
the room, sat down
and stared at me.
i guess that
meant it was time
to get started.
i talked.
and talked.
and talked.
and talked.
not sure how
i filled up so
much time,
but i guess
i did.
had a lot
of people ask me
how the speech went.
well, if you want
to give up an
hour and six minutes
of your life,
time you will never
get back and will
likely regret wasting
on this,
you can listen
to it here.
(i was asked to speak about raising a child on my own after losing my wife. the subject of the speech was not about the blog or the foundation, but i do mention both. oh…mind you, this speech was given to a room full of widows. we have a particular brand of dark and dry humor that some people may find mildly offensive. also, i truly did not mean it when i said i would disfigure my child to keep boys away from her. maybe).
after the speech
it was time
to get dressed
up for the
formal dinner.
back into the
only suit i own.
awesome.
michele and rachel
tried to get me
to buy a new
one for the event,
but who wants
to waste money
on a suit when
you can buy
records instead?
went to the dinner
and sat through
a couple of
speeches, a book
reading and three
songs that seemed
to take the
joy out of the
room, at least
for some.
after dinner i got
out of my suit
and back into
my uniform for
a night on the
town with a bunch
of the widows and rachel.
we ended up at
an awful bar
(thanks, rachel)
but made the best
of it.
we stayed out
way too late
and had way
too much fun.
i think i was
asleep by 4:00.
sunday.
i was up at 7:30am,
which i consider
sleeping in.
this is what i
saw from my room:
had a quick breakfast
with some of the
widows and rachel
before getting back
in the car
and heading home.
picked up a stray
widow (andrea)
along the way
who rode with us.
talked to rachel
about how awesome
it was to
receive another $2500
in donations for
the foundation
(thanks to the folks who donated during the conference…i am very grateful for your generosity).
drove really fast
and got rachel to
the airport in time
for her flight,
got andrea
to her future home
in time to meet
the real estate agent,
and i got home
in time to
see my best girl
for a bit
before she went
to bed.
saw her and
immediately wondered
how she got so
big over the
last 2 days.
listened to deb
recount the weekend
before she
headed off to
the airport and
back home.
hung out on the
couch with maddy
the rest of
the night.
by 7:00pm
we both were
nearly catatonic,
so i put her
to bed and
laid on the couch
until i fell
asleep around 9:00pm.
one hell of
an exhausting weekend,
but one that
was good for
all of us.
103 Comments
I knew that if you were just “yourself” you’d be just fine. Flying by the seat of your pants is the way to go. You know this. As a (relatively) new parent, we make stuff up as we go along all the time. Sounds like it was a very powerful weekend. Congrats to you!
Sounds like it went well !! I checked out the program online when you first announced that you were speaking there and I noticed that you were the only man listed as a speaker.
*i* love your dark sense of humor
it’s hard being a widow when you are young
*i* was 33 the first time
i am listening to your talk now
you are doing great
We were all so *nervous* for you, and sooo proud!!!
My favorite part is that you met Jackie. Oh, and I like the $2500, too.
Glad to hear A.A. Deb survived her weekend without a busted ear drum, or gettin’ a black eye from a flying sippy cup!
I’m for sure listening to your speech! I’m sure it was awesome. I’m glad you partly enjoyed yourself, as much as one could at such a conference?
Congrats on the speech and the conference. Sounds like everything went really well. And attention on the LLF can never be a bad thing.
Sounds like a “good” time, if you go by what our definition of good is anymore….I will be there next year no matter what !!!
matt your speech was awesome!!
Congrats, Matt for representing the dads! You are amazing, and I am so glad we will all get to hear your speech. I was keeping my fingers crossed that you would make it happen for us lurkers. As Erin said, just being yourself is the best way to go–that’s what we enjoy about you! Appreciate you sharing. I totally understand your comment about doing whatever it takes to keep the boys away from your gorgeous daughter. I feel the same about my two girls! Dark humor feels so good (most times)! You’re the best
Glad to hear you made the most of the weekend. Booze is a wonderful thing!
Listening to your speech now, you are doing great! I would say I was proud of you and I am but it’s such an odd thing to say to someone you have never met and only “know” through your words.
Awesome Matt!! So glad the foundation got some well deserved attention! Going to listen to your speech now!
you’re just awesome. so is awesome auntie deb. so is the lil cutie pie.
Glad to hear that your speech went well. Anythign said from the heart is well spoken. You amaze and astound me. Thanks for doing your part to make the world a little brighter. Simply put, you are a fantastic dad, friend, and all round person. Keep it up!!
1. You forgot to mention the banana
and
2. The bar was better than the dinner time “concert”…be thankful.
oh and
3. No mention of the hairstyle we all grew to love?!?
you probably feel about these conferences like i feel about support groups for bereaved parents. like a kick in the nuts (or so I assume) but as you say, we have survived worse.
glad so many donations are rolling in for the foundation, matt.
Can’t wait to listen to your speech. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Maddy is too cute as always!
Have fun in India. Madeline will be very cultured at a young age! Im jealous!!
Hi Matt
wow, what an action packd weekend. it took a lot of courage to get up in front of all those people and talk. you have to have some humour to survive. a close friend is battling breast cancer and we still manage to joke and laugh. you and maddy and survivors. you laugh, you cry and live every day to its fullest. you give everyone hope and inspiration.
thank you.
i learnt on saturday that i’m pregnant and one of my 1st thoughts was maddy and you. i will be as good of a parent as you are to your bestest girl.
I’ve followed you blog for a while now, and always go to comment but can’t think of anything significant to say. Just want to let you know that you are such an inspiration!
After that speech, I’m surprised you didn’t have to pay the attendees out of the foundation for having to listen! jokes
I’ve followed your blog for quite a while, but I’ve never commented on a post (not sure why). Your speech was amazing. I am so glad I spent one hour and six minutes listening to you speak about your love for Liz and your love for your daughter. You are an amazing person and great father. Your writing evokes emotions and that’s why I love to follow yours and Maddy’s journey through life together via this blog. Good luck in your writing!
Oh, and P.S. – I love your cursing!
Your speech was very heartfelt. I love that you did not plan something – seems very much your style. I think you are doing a great job with Mady.
Matt, I thought your speech was fabulous. Nice job!
who wants
to waste money
on a suit when
you can buy
records instead?
AMEN
Sounds like you dida great job!! Like everyone else, I figured if you just were you and started talking about Maddy and Liz you’d be fine!
Great job on getting up in front of all those peeps to deliver the speech…no, sorry I don’t have a spare hour & six minutes, but I am sure it is great. Sounds like you raised some awareness (& funds) for LLF so not a bad weekend.
I also can’t stand snotty little noses!!! Would a parent walk around with a snotty nose?? NOOO!!! So why would the parent let there child walk around with a snotty nose??
care bears and unicorns.. that’s great!
you did a great job matt!
“you would never do that for me if i died.” i cried when you retold that story. I really think that’s why so many women love your blog – because we all think that about our husbands, partners. But Liz was wrong.
also, the MA in sociology now explains why you have a copy of Marcuse’s One Dimensional Man on your bookshelf (pic, post last week)! (preparing for my theory comp exam this summer and reading the same book…among a shit-ton of others)
I just sat through your whole speech.. It was rather entertaining, and i think so highly of your whole story. I mostly admire the way you are living your life, traveling all over the world. my husband and i have a very similar philosophy raising our own daughter, maya. i think what you do is so beautiful.
Matt,
You are so amazing. Thanks for posting your speech..I listened to every minute of it…You are such an amazing daddy…Madeline is blessed to have you as you are to have her!
I was just going to listen to a couple minutes, but I ended up listening to every word. You are a phenomenal father and your wife would be proud. I really enjoy following your and Maddy’s adventures on the blog, and can’t wait to read your book!
It was good to meet you Matt – I’m sure you don’t remember me in the sea of widow “women”, but it was nice to meet you in person – makes your blog even more real. It was a good weekend – didn’t really want to go and I think the bonding with my friends was the best part – too bad we were at different bars! Hope you’ve recouped
Matt, you are amazing. As always. Funniest thing is, you just don’t fuckin know it yet. Someone does. Well, a couple of special girls do. Keep it up. You are simply the best.
Congrats Matt! This was all so good– and I wonder if you know how much you helped give another perspective there–I agree–where are the damn men? So good for you to get out there and share.
I laughed over a few things…I am sorry, but that photo is funny with you and all those women…you look like a serious stud! And, the stray widow comment, tooooo funny!
Congrats!
I knew that you’d think she’d grown while you were gone for two days…I always do that, too!
Glad it went well for you! Keep the chin up and the records spinning!
Glad everything went so well and kudos on raising so much for the LLF!!
I listened to your speech – thank you. It was amazing. You did such a great job and you are a natural public speaker! I appreciate your continued willingness to share your life. Also, your point about finding joy in the small things with your children was such a great reminder for me. Thank you.
WOw – i don’t even know what to say except I think it’s awesome that you spoke at the conference (and really?? NO other men???)
Congrats on the great donations for the foundation!
Sounds like an amazing I weekend, can I say that about it? I am totally going to listen to your speech when i get an uninterupted hour….or maybe 4 uninteruppted slots of 15 minutes…. I know people say it all the time, but it should be repeated, you’re awesome.
PS my daughter has that same jumper..it is so soft and comfy!
Sounds like the weekend went well as much as it could. I am listening to the speech right now!
you are awesome. And Madeline knows this!
ya know, i’m not a widow, i’m not married, or even a mother for that matter, but my mom became a widow when i was only 9 and i think part of the reason i’m so drawn to your blog is as a homage to her – to see a slice of what i know she was going through at the time.
i don’t think they had widow conferences and support groups of any sort in 1988 when she was going through this though….
ok, enough of the mushy shit for me.
i’m glad that you a. drank your face off, b. gave a kick ass speech (i listened while writing a blog post tonight) and c. followed the cardinal rule of any type of conference/trade show booth situation – had a candy bowl. bribery works.
well done.
Amazing speech….. you’re doing so many great things!! I hope you take time to be proud of yourself for coming so far. P.S. Dark, inappropriate humor is my favorite.
WOW, I listened to your speech and I still have tears streaming down my face. You truly ARE building Liz your version of the Taj Mahal! You are amazing. Thank you for sharing all your speech.
so great to finally meet you. you cracked me up the entire dinner and the comment about my mil had me laughing out loud. hopefully i can meet that beautiful daughter of yours someday.
I have read your blog for a couple months, never commented before… but just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss. My dad is a widow as well, my momma died 2yrs ago (Jan 23, 2007), granted he is not “raising” children anymore, we are adults, it is still an adjustment for him. I think of him often as I read your blog, I think your thoughts sometimes help me understand where he is. A “stranger’s” opinion, Maddy is very lucky. She will be the portrait of Daddy’s Girl (from one who knows!) and is so lucky to have the special bond that can only be between daddy and daughter be so strong from this point in her life on. Great job.
I agree with pp…what you said, Taj Mahal. Beautiful. I listened, I enjoyed your talk. I don’t know if it’s the Midwesterner (is that a word?) in you but you really remind me of so many people that I’ve known when you speak. Tattoo ?’s answered….I can’t stand not knowing stuff like that!
Thanks, as usual, for sharing.
Loved your speech. I think you’re hilarious.
Will listen to your speech tonight when I’m home – looking forward to it as strange as that might sound.
I also find it weird, that you were the only widower there…how odd. But still glad you had fun mtg up with the other widow gals, esp. Jackie!
So I gather from another commenter that you are indeed going to India with Maddie. Dude, please tell me you booked a flight that involves a layover in Berlin! OK, so it’s not *exactly* on the way, but close enough, right?! Oktoberfest is just around the corner!
Since when did you stop putting a “the” in front of geographical locations (as in “the LA” or “the MPLS”) and start spelling them out (as in “los angeles” or “minneapolis”)?
so bummed I missed it but being 6 months preggers and living in MN doesn’t really allow for a jet-set weekend. Still, being newly widowed myself, I think I would’ve really “enjoyed” (is that the right word for this occasion) meeting/listening to others. Instead, I managed to put off for yet another weekend, packing away Brett’s clothes. Ugh.
“You wouldn’t do that for me if I died”….if she only knew. It’s amazing the things that you do for someone that you love. Great speech
awesome job Matt! I loved the part when you were talking about Maleeda’s wedding. So rich and pure. I can’t wait to see this book unfold – it’s going to be amazing.
I’m intrigued by the lack of men at this conference. As you said, you aren’t the only widower in the country. So where were/are they? Is it that mostly women seek out this type of activity/conference and men don’t feel comfortable or interested in something of its nature? It sounds like you certainly met some like-minded folk during your adventure but it would be a different scene with guys/widowers, no?
Loved listening to your talk. Speaking from your heart is always the best and you were very inspiring. Maddie is so lucky to have you as her daddy!
We all know how you like to be all self deprecating and whatnot but that speech was truly wonderful Matt. It was nice to HEAR you talk about what happened and your honesty is very refreshing.
I know I will be one of the first people in line to buy your book, without a doubt! Keep up the good work. I could not possibly be anymore jealous that you’re going to India to write.
Matt-
I have been captivated by your story for a while now. You have such a magnetic personality- you draw people in from all over the world who don’t even know you…but love you and Madeline.
I am an admitted blog lurker and always have been. Tragedy recently struck my baby girl and I finally felt compelled to start a blog. I quickly realized just how much the comments have meant to me and promised from that day forward to NEVER lurk again.
Your story has always moved me to pieces. I have sat in front of my computer with tears running down my face as I read your story. I have also laughed out loud so many times. You are an amazing person; I love your sense of humor.
I listened to your entire talk last night and you are helping people all over the world. While in the depths of hell with what I am going through, you provide hope, inspiration and best of all more laughter!
I truly appreciate you for telling your story and above all for being so honest. Thank you for doing what you do!! Take care.
With Love,
Jen
P.S. I also think Madeline is the cutest little thing ever and I love all of the pictures you take
)
the disfiguring comment…
priceless
It was great to meet you Matt! I’ve followed your blog for awhile but never commented, but figured after drinking a few beers over the weekend with you I’d say thanks for giving us (widows) a man’s perspective. Your speech was great and worth coming in from the pool for Ha! Good luck on your writing in India. Robin from Texas
I think I just discovered why my numbers bounced from 250 a week to 900 in one day! Thanks for the shout out.
And I am serious about the cabin for your auction. I will send you an online flyer that gets used at other auctions.
I love your “grand plan”…gave me chills. the three of you travelling together is an amazing idea. my heart breaks and yet is filled with joy for you at the idea of maddy at the taj mahal.
wishing you safe travels!
I loved your speech. Especially the part where you said you play with maddy every morning to show your appreciation for her behavior when she was just born. For saying that liz is present in your daily life and everything you two do. For taking maddy on so many trips and planning to bring her to the places you visited with liz so you can share your travel experiences with maddy and spread liz’s ashes. For saying the joy you feel as a parent is immense and difficult to describe. You don’t have to describe it. We all know it by the writing you do, and by the fact that we all share those feelings with our own kids.
I love reading your blog and I was so moved by your speech. I think liz and I would’ve liked to talk music. I bet her ipod selections probably resemble mine…
it was a great way to spend an hour and six minutes.
you did great.
Matt, thanks for sharing the weekend with us readers. Sounds like you had an awesome time. Maddy gets bigger by the day, and her pics are gorgeous. Can’t wait for your book! Looking forward to it! Take care of yourself and Maddy, and keep doing what you’re doing! Enjoy every minute of every day! XX
God, Matt,every time I read or hear your story, it makes me so sad. I don’t know what else to say. But you’re doing a great job with Maddie. Best of luck.
wishing i wasn’t at work and could listen to the speech….
Your website is the Taj Mahal even without the book. One of the first days I was here (at your site) I said to my husband, “You’d never do that for me.” (I know I shouldn’t have but it just came out.) Anyway, you’re doing it! And it’s for Liz! and Maddy! and it’s beautiful.
I have followed your blog for like a year now. Literally read every post. Laughed, cried, all of it. But I really LOVED your speech. I cant believe you were worried about what to speak about. It was amazing. You and madeline are amazing together. You give me strength to be the best parent I can be. I have 3 daughter (one is Madelines age) and I cant pull it together to match those damn bloomers. So happy to hear your going to write in India. Its the best place and such a place of strength and hope for you. I cant wait to buy several copies of the book and give it to my friends and family so they can finally understand why I stalk / read your blog. So happy you have such a great support system! Keep it up Matt! You have so much to be proud of.
I loved your speech! There were a few shockers!!
1. Going to India for 2 months!! That’s awesome!
2. Quitting your Job!! Wow!! Scary!!
But I am so happy for you, that you would live life to the fullest and let nothing stop you for achieving a goal! Adn Maddy is the perfect girl to be right by your side!
It’s nice to hear that you had a good time at the conference, even though you were the only Man! Saw that on Twitter!!
It’s even nicer to hear that you guys raised 2500 for your foundation!! YAY!!
Good Luck on your adventures in India! Hope you let us know when you are going and keep us updated on your adventures there!
2 months!!
Holy Shit thats a long time!!
I listened to your whole speech, it’s wrenching to hear the love you have and had for Liz. No matter what direction your life takes, that love will always be with you.
Matt, I found another guy for you (unfortunately). I really don’t know anything about him other than this story that a midwife friend shared the other day. But he just lost his wife the day that their 4th son was born healthy. I don’t know if you make it a point to get in touch with others going through this awful time, but you were the first person I thought of when I read this story.
http://www.gazette.com/articles/michelle-57816-death-mike.html
I just finished listening to your speech..good job dude! It was fantastic. As always, you’re speaking from your heart.
I love that you’re going to India with Maddy! I am in the process of convincing my husband to go on a trip and experience the country rather than go on some all inclusive resort thing. We’re looking to go on a short 7-10 day trip somewhere in late January, so I can get a whole bunch of pointers from you before we go!
Its amazing how life turns out isn’t it? Sometimes, the most terrible things pave the way for something great. It’s a shame Liz isn’t here to support you through all your new adventures…but, in a way, she is. She (and Maddy, of course) is the driving force of all that you do, and I’m sure she’d be proud of you…as we all are!
nice, “whether you produced a child through adoption or you stole one from someone”, you freakin’ crack me up! listening to your speech, crying & laughing as i sit here by myself. i love all your inappropriate comments and cussing, SO refreshing! oh, I think oregon would be a beautiful place for you to come and write your book–flyfishing and NO smog. no traffic either! i know you and Maddy would love an Oregon vacation!
“meandering pile of shit”. seriously, i can’t stop laughing!!!!
Matt, your speech was awesome and right from your heart. Your droll, black humor is seriously funny!!! @amy holst…I totally agree – you are right on with your comments! Matt, Oregon is a great place to come and be inspired and refreshed: especially on the North Coast. Sweet. How I would love to meet you two. And a huge thank you for the link to your speech – so glad I didn’t miss hearing you!
LOVED LOVED LOVED your speech. it was the best hour i have spent in a long time. you fucking rock.
I’m jealous. Having people to share and connect with about – to make you feel not crazy and alone!
I read your blog when I need to feel like someone even remotely ‘get it’. It seems like the only place that even comes close to what I’m trying to survive through. I want the ‘Living Dead’ conference; the one that people attend who are divorced and left to do parenting solo… whose partner chose to ‘die’ – the grief you describe is so parallel, only instead of a memory, I get to have breathing ghosts – and there’s this whole weird cultural ‘ignoring’ of the grieving process that accompanies the ‘abandoned parent’. At times, believe me, I see the dark humor in it (just like the humor in a motorcycle on an oil slick)… other times it’s just dark, slippery and dangerous – like an oil slick.
I have your same sharp wit and appreciation of the dark comedy moments of life paired with a deep, deep love of family.
Everyone keeps telling ME that I should write and share due to my abilities to use words well… funny comment considering I’m a speech therapist…
Keep it up Matt. Keep going.
Matt, I really applaud you for putting a husbands point of view and experiences out there. My cousin passed away quite a few years ago leaving her husband to care for 2 very young children and I don’t believe he had any other men at that time to relate to. I am thankful that people like you are speaking about the other side of the coin so people like my cousins husband don’t have to feel ‘so alone, but not really’ as you like to say. Oh and sorry to say; the hair battle.. I don’t think it’s going to get easier. Just wait until she wants to dye it purple… or well lets hope not!
I am sitting at work listening to your speech and can’t hold back my tears. What you said about the Taj Mahal and your monument to Liz was soooo amazing. I don’t know you and I never knew Liz, but I grieve over her loss because you have done suck an amazing job letting the world know how great she was! You did an amazing job Matt!
I’m listening to your blog and am entertained by your descriptive ways – you tie things together that make sense even for those that have followed Maddy since the beginning. You have some amazing adventures ahead of you and I really am inspired by you – if you can pick up and move forward, it can be done by anyone. I like that you are reaching out and helping others, as much as we hate to thing of bad things happening for reasons, you are changing the lives of many, many other people in the world. And in a good way.
I am SO GLAD i listened to your speech. I was floored, and I literally got chills when you described your “Taj Mahal” to Liz. What you have done and are doing is a thousand times better than a building, and though I didn’t know Liz at all, I can’t help but be certain she would be way more impressed than Mumtaz Majal could have ever been. You are not only building a Taj for Liz, but you are building one for Madeline. I was also struck by the issues you describe in early fatherhood and how similar they are to many of the things new mothers experience (the doubt, the anxiety). And, on top of that, you had your grief. I love your sense of humor, your outlook, well, I’m just so impressed with you as a father and a human being.
The speech is wonderful and it’s ok if I don’t get that hour and 6 minutes back.Geez I am such a weaklin’ I cried through the whole thing. But none the less It was worth it. Unfortunately due to my Husband’s illness I too will be a widow by the time I’m 30. I am scared as hell. And it sucks. I really don’t know how you do it Matt but I sure am glad I can read all about it and know that when that time comes where it is just me and my two sons that i too will be able to keep going and to get whatever needs to be done, done.. thank you.
Next time, I’ll lead the gang on an even wilder goose chase. Since I know you’ll appreciate it, we can trade the dueling pianos and late night nachos with a side of Britney for a karaoke bar and a hip-hop club. Bring your walkin’ shoes… and your flask. Double-time.
I live in San Diego, and I’m glad the weather behaved like people expect it too here. Nice and hot. It’s actually too hot this July. Good works, Matt. Congratulations on the donations.
what liz didn’t know when she said “you’d never do that for me” was that the rest of that was “…you’d do so much more”. what you have done, are doing, and will do is better and more important than any beautiful, elegant building. though her absence is very real and very painful, you still have so many amazing and wonderful people in your life (i was really moved that your dad and bro worked through the night to put in the windows. what great guys!). stay strong matt; you can do anything.
Congratulations to you on your speech, for being the only guy there, and for once again breaking the stereotype and helping others learn along the way.
You did a great job …. because you were you.
It was definitely worth leaving the pool and the bar to attend.
I wouldn’t say that to just anyone. No freakin’ way.
Janine
I would have given anything to hear you speak. But there is no way I could have been in a room with that many other widows. I’m all for “we’re all in this together” but I can’t stand the sap.
For real, sacrificing fashion for records! U noticed ur babys growth in just 2 days….I thought it was just a mom thing. Guess not. You get to have an experience with a child that most men never do. Liz’s last gift to you.
My jaw hit the floor when I read that you spoke of disfiguring Miss Maddie to keep the boys away!!!! My daughter’s father has said the same thing, he thinks it’s hilarious, and I’ve just been waiting for the CPA to show up…
Nothing like the love and adoration of a Daddy!!
Once again, I’m proud of you for taking the steps you need to take and for being The Man of the Crowd. You are in the place you are for a reason, I am convinced of this more and more as I read your blog. Most folks, (men or women) would not have been able to do what you have done, don’t ever stop!
My forever mantra for you…just keep swimming!
Just got a chance to listen to the speech. I thought you did an amazing job for not having anything written. I think it’s great that you are doing what you want and not feeling tied down to sitting at home. I can’t wait to hear all about your India journey. After watching Slumdog Millionaire the other night I had wondered if that Taj Mahal story was true. I think it’s typical of a girl to not REALLY know how much they are loved by their man. I guess that’s why I’m so addicted to your blog cause you are sharing how much you truly loved Liz.
Oh yeah and… I can’t believe no one has asked who the nanny is? Or am I really that nosy? lol
“where the fuck are the men?”
well, there’s one here. but there are millions more out there, saying nothing, suffering like hell, miserable and misunderstood, but struggling through it all somehow. as blokes do, when they really really have to, and because there’s just no choice but to do anything else.
and that’s what we have to tell the world. OK?
You have the most gorgeous child in the history of children.
I know somewhat of what you are going thru. My husband was also my junior high sweetheart, we were together almost 20 years and we have two children Alexa, 11 and Zain, 8. My husband had an addiction problem and took his life by jumping in front of a tractor trailer on our 9 year wedding anniversary. Even though my children are older, the pain never leaves, and the kids and I still go thru counseling. It will never leave me and I will never get over loosing the love of my life, but what got me up was the fact that our children are HIS legacy. He loved his family, but could not conquer his addiction. I miss him everyday, and our son looks exactly like him. I wish you the best as I did not know what to do without him. Your story inspired me and you are doing a great job. Just letting you know the terrible loss feeling never leaves you. Congrats on all you do, as I know it is a fight everyday to go on without the love of your life.
Hi Matt and Madeleine (Liz)
I read your story in People Magazine. In life when you’re faced with tragedy, it can either break you or make you. Your attitude is amazing and your strength is inspiring. I have lived with tragedy myself when my first born daughter passed away from a severe heard defect at the age of 10 months. She would’ve been 24 years old this past July 23. My husband and I had another child and she is just turned 21. She is extremely precious to us and do not take her for granted.
Even though our experiences are not quite the same, the sadness and loss you feel is still there. You are an inspiration to me to be able to move on with your life and to have created what you have. You seem to be an excellent father and your daughter is absolutely gorgeous.
We are strangers but I just want to let you know that you give me strength, hope and courage.
Continue your great job as a dad and one day when your daughter is older and able to understand what wonderful things her dad did for her and her mom, she will thank you.
Sending you a big hug from Canada and from my heart. You are an awesome person.
God bless and take care.
Dorine
My name is Laura, I am 32 yrs old. My daughter is Makenzie, she is 6 months old. We lost my husband, John, on July 5, 2009. He was killed in an auto-accident. Thank You for the inspiration. Does it ever get any easier?
August 11, 2009 2:43 a.m.
I will be looking forward to reading about your life together. Take Care
I saw you yesterday on the Rachael Ray show with your beautiful baby and I couldn’t stop crying. When you were telling the story you were happy so I didn’t anticipate tje outcome. I truly believe that a man can nuture a baby as well as a woman, and you are proof of my theory. I was 30 when my daughter was born and I also had a C-Section. I had experience babysitting but when you are responsible for a new born it can be frightening. I believe the first three months are equal to combat fatigue, (sleep deprivation). etc. but the joy far surpasses any temporary inconvenience. You are doing a wonderful job of parenting and it was heartwarming to see how Madeline smiled into the camera and clapped her little hands
when your daughter grows up and reads your blog, do you think that having curse words in your blog wouldnt affect her? or she will do the same when she talks
@kat
if cursing is the worst thing my daughter does after all of this, i will be the proudest fucking father there ever was.
seriously fucking proud.
@matt
Amen to this!!
Your speech was amazing. Liz must be SO proud of all you have done. You are an amazing Daddy and Maddy is very lucky (:
Hi Matt:
Thanks for posting the talk that you gave earlier this year at the conference. It was moving. Your story gives me strength.
All the best,
Samosas for One