it was 16 months ago
today
and I remember
it all,
every agonizing second,
the disbelief, the pain.
i can’t forget.
the darkest moments,
replayed in the depths
of my mind,
at night
when i have no choice,
when i cant stop them,
when they can’t be
buried in the light.
but when i
have the choice,
when it’s me in control,
i choose to
remember those other times…
you.
in that red
dress, on the blanket
in the park
on 6th street,
the sun shining
on the three of
us,
before we knew
about the third.
and i drive past
that spot on this
day, 23 months after
that moment,
and 16 months after
another and it’s hard
to think about
anything else but
you.
165 Comments
Matt, my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine that the missing never, ever goes away. You are an awesome Dad and I know that Liz is proud of all you do for her. I wish you some peace tonight and sending hugs and support.
Tricia
My heart hurts for you right now. I wish I had a power to give her back to you both
((((hugs))))
*hugs*
That’s all.
Oh Matt. You are doing such an amazing job, and I know Liz is SO proud of you.
I am sorry that today was so hard for you Matt. Hope you are feeling better.
Matt – I get it.
My thoughts are with you.
Matt…..I can’t thank you enouh for sharing yourself like only you can do. While I sit and pray for my provision to gallup up…reading your words – your love letters to liz in many ways reminds me of the kind of love to hold out for. Never settling. Never giving up.
Liz was loved like no other…and continues to be. Because of you.
:: hugs ::
It’s just not fucking fair!!!
I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you write those words, but sometimes I just want to scream them for you! You should have been allowed to have it all.
I know there are days that are good (or at least bearable), but then days like this come and kick you in the nuts.
I am continually surprised that you don’t think about anything else but Liz. Madeline is as gorgeous as her mother, and looks very much like her. I know she’s the light out of all this darkness.
Squeeze her extra tight today, and know there are internet hugs coming your way too!
Sometimes it hurts to remember the good times, sometimes it doesn’t and you don’t know how you are going to feel until you are in the moment…searing writing Matt…
I honestly don’t know HOW anyone can go on when they lose someone they love so much… except that LIFE has a way of pushing us forward. I wish Liz were there to see her gorgeous daughter and to hold her hubby tight. Sometimes life is just SO fucking unfair. My thoughts are with you. And Madeline – she’s just getting more amazing by the day.
Hugs to you Matt, and prayers for some peaceful moments.
that is a beautiful memory!
My heart and soul ache for you Matt.
You are doing amazing.
While I don’t know you, I often think of you and maddy. How brave you both are. How much I wish it weren’t this way. Wishing the pain would go away and that she were still here.
I thought about you guys today. I’m glad you have a lot of good memories and I hope they can overpower the pain.
My thoughts are with you both today. As much as Maddy is lucky to have a Daddy like you, you are equally lucky to have Maddy on days like this. Give each other big hugs for me.
Every time I read a post like this, you break my heart. you epitomize that feeling, I can’t even desrcribe it, but it’s the one that makes your chest hurt and you feel like there’s a hole sucking at you from the inside out. Loss, melacholy, whatever you call it. You are such a beautiful soul, it’s easy to see why Liz loved you, and why Maddy loves you, and why we all love reading about your life. Thanks for sharing even the sucky moments, it makes me appreciate all the things I have, and live right now in the moment.
My thoughts go out to you, Matt. You truly are an amazing person!
there is nothing to say, you have.
I thought about you today, although we do not know one another.
Life is terribly unfair. That’s all I know how to say.
my already broken heart is with yours today matt. sometimes we just have to let ourselves feel it. today, i will feel it with you.
Matt, you brought me to tears. This is such a heartbreaking situation-i cant even imagine the way you are feeling during this time. My thoughts and prayers are with you always <3
I am sorry that it is so hard , it is unimaginable for all of us who have never been in your shoes ,Liz was so lucky to have found such an outstanding man to spend her life with and to intrust her beloved daughter to, I wish I could send you some strength for all of those tough moments.
I am sure she misses you too.
In the bible it says a man and woman become one in marriage. You are filled with Liz. Your head, your heart and the man you are today. My prayer is that you will always carry her in you, but with peace and joy and that the hurt would somehow be edged out over time.
thoughts, love and prayers sent your (and Maddy’s) way on this sucky day…
unfortunately and sadly life is about pain and suffering and joyful moments….allows us all to grow and love more..be thankful you have a job, Maddy, and both have good health…hang on to what you both have…you will always miss Liz.
I lost my loved one 3.5 yrs ago and miss him and cry for him everyday of my life.
Wow! It almost feels as if I know you. It is weird when we spill our guts out to complete stangers on the internet that they could feel this way about us, but it is so. This post was very touching and my heart aches for you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I know Maddy will truly appreciate them someday. It will be amazing for her to know just how much you love Liz and continue to ache for her all the while loving Maddy and putting her first.You are a great Dad and I did use an hour of my morning today (nap time for the girls) listening to your speech. It was neat to hear things I didn’t know before.
Thinking of you often, knowing you will make it just as you have so far. Just look at that happy, healthy little girl!
I wish I had magical powers and I would bring Liz back to you and Maddy. Man, do I wish that. Thinking of you.
Wow. That’s all I can say. A part of me feels like that was too personal for me to read, but please know that I feel honored that you have shared it.
I’m sorry the day was hard for you Matt. I hope that saying it out loud helped dull the pain. Moving through it so you can move on takes a lot of courage and that’s something you have. A grief shared today. And comfort from my heart to yours.
I rarely, if ever, comment, but when I read something like this I feel like a bit of a peeper if I don’t comment. I have nothing to say but a big fat DITTO to Angi-O. Squeeze that baby.
Beautiful, beautiful. And so so sweet. I wish she were still with you.
I haven’t been reading very long but I want you to know that my heart hurts for you. There aren’t ever adequate words so I’m going to shut up now.
HUGS!!!! Keep your head up!
I’m thinking about you tonight & hope you have some peace. Please know that here in Tennessee we are thinking about you! Never forget, your an AMAZING father & Liz is very proud of you!!
This video took place in St Paul. When I think of you and Liz together I could see you both enjoying this kind of day.
I hope it gives you a happy moment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0
Keep going buddy. You’re doing awesome, and Liz is so proud. Give Maddy a nice big hug tonight and think about all the joy that she brings you.
There’s nothing anyone can say. Love to you both. I like this passage from William Penn:
“They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it.
Death cannot kill what never dies.
Nor can spirits ever be divided that love and live in the same
divine principle: the root and record of their friendship.
If absence be not death, neither is theirs.
Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the sea;
…they live for one another still.
This is the comfort of friends: that though they may be said to die,
yet their friendship and society are, in the best sense immortal,
because they are everpresent.”
So touching and something you never want to forget no matter how hard it is! Madeline has one great Daddy!!!
Peace to you, Matt.
Thanks for writing.
This heart aches for you. I wish we could see a picture of her in that red dress.
(((((((Matt))))))))
My situation isn’t the exact same but I tend to feel the same when I have no choice but to allow the memories and thoughts to rush through my head late at night. Let’s keep up the strength Matt. I think about you and admire your courage to go on and raise your child on those days when I feel like I can’t do this.
Just appreciating your honesty and hoping you find strength to get you through.
That was lovely, Matt.
I am one of those people who read your blog. I have been reading since the People Magazine article, and I am hooked. I tune in whenever there is a post, or just to look at pictures of Madeline. I am one of those who goes to bed and tells my husband about the things you write and the experiences you go through, and I ask him, could you do it, without me? Granted we have four kids, but I wonder, would he have the strength? I am amazed and honestly very moved by your commitment to this blog, to the commitment to better Madeline. I love the way you write because its always TRUTH. There is no in between with you, no sugar coating it, sometimes I wish thats the way it should be. I congratulate you on 16 months. I know a weird thing, but you are where you are. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason, whether we know why yet or not, I know that it was supposed to happen this way. I know thats no comfort to you or to me at times, but…there are times I can hardly breath when I get done reading your post, I am so caught up in the heartache and reality in it, I cant even wrap my head around it. I do however know you are doing an amazing job. You never know your own strength until you are put in a situation where you are meant to shine.
I’m so sorry.
I can’t even imagine your grief.
xoxo
sometimes I read your blog (been reading since before all of this happened) and I think that the pain has eased for you. Ugh. I am so wrong. I am so naive. I feel like I must not get it at all. I am so sorry for your loss. I talk about you all the time to my family and friends, and think that since I read your blog, that i get it, but i don’t, not at all. However, I do know, very well, from all that I have read, that you are an amazing dad, and Madeline is ONE LUCKY GIRL! Oh, and that Liz, was one smart woman for marrying you!
So beautiful and heartbreaking. Hoping you have more moments of happier memories. Sending you stranger love and hugs
Of all the blogs that you have written about this day, this one made me smile It’s always harder to remember the happy times even though they drastically outnumber the one day and it really sucks that you now have to force yourself to look back past that day. thank you for sharing that beauiful memory.Iit was an ordinary one a nothing special park sort of day but i think those days always end up being the best memories, were a smiple smell can take you back. and you can spend that one minute back in that moment. I hope that those happy memories start to come easier and easier there will always be an ache at the end when the moment passes but before that you got to smile with her if only for a moment.
Matt, you have loads of courage.
Courage isn’t the absence of fear, but rather the willingness to move forward in spite of it.
Maddy will absolutely a million times appreciate what you are doing for her. Liz would be astoundingly proud.
Dear Matt, my heart goes out to you tonight… Thank you for sharing such a beautiful memory with us. I can almost see Liz in her red dress, with the sun shining through her golden hair, and smiling that sweet smile that we have all come to know so very well through your photos… thank you.
If I could take the 25th out of the calendar for a while for you, I would. I am guessing Maddy got a little extra lovin’ today. On the bright side, it’s almost the 26th.
Matt, its been some time that I have posted a comment. Many times I feel like I have nothing adequate to say if that makes sense. I LOVE love reading your blog. I started reading it way back when Maddy was first born…your story has more than touched me, it has been tattooed on my heart. I just wanted to say hey, and that I read you daily, love love keeping up on you and Miss Maddy girl. She is truly a beauty and you are such a wonderful father. I can’t wait to get book, or six, maybe sixteen…might have to hand them out to my moms group…If you ever get to good ol Missouri, let me know, I would love to have a drink, or two or sixteen with you!!!
You and in my thought and prayers. Your love for Liz is so beautiful and special. She will always be a part of you…and a part of that beautful little girl. I know she is smiling down on both of you from heaven….and would be very proud! You are doing an amazing job, Matt! Thanks again for letting us being a part of your lives! You are an inspiration!
your words…so sincere…so awesome…so heartbreaking.
Excellent poetry. Wish it weren’t – that would mean it would be all happy and sappy.
I hurt for you today and every 25th that I remember…so sorry this one hit so hard in particular…thinking of you both
This truly will make me hug my loved ones a little tighter tonight. I am sorry about your heartbreak so very much.
Asalamu Alaykom,
When reality is like a dream, I know it’s scary…because waking up isn’t possible.
Today, I went to the birthday party for a little girl who no longer has a sister. She wore the crown and the party dress but she didn’t have THAT hug.
I know you are missing THAT hug too. Alhumdulillah for those people and things in our life which make us feel incomplete. It’s the missing which makes us strive harder.
Keep striving…driving…realizing.
My heart aches for you and I hope that every 25th brings a little more peace. You are an amazing person.
What a love you must have had…and still do..hugs from Texas,
Angela
i just scrolled down to say that I thought that was beautiful, raw emotion poetry and saw that someone else thought it was poetic as well.
Maybe it’s all the music you listen to, but you have an incredible gift for putting emotions into words.
Matt–
Everything you write is such a glimpse into your thoughts, feelings, and memories. It’s bluntly beautiful — raw — honest all @ the same time. Although I know you have that beautiful little girl it hurts to know how difficult it must be for you. I can’t begin to understand. I think of you and Madeline everyday. I listened to the your speech audio and when you talked about the book being your Taj Mahal to her..oh…so sincere…take care…
Take some time to pray and ask God for a peace of mind. It is the best tool that every person can do to relieve all the pain, suffering, and loneliness. God is there and he will help you get through this when you talk to him and ask him for help.
Oh Matt…my heart is just breaking for you. I’m glad you have so many good memories though.
God bless you with more strength and peace with each passing day.
HUGS! Praying for you & Maddy all the time!
If only there were something I could say to make it better. I’m just so sorry.
I’m so sorry you are in pain remembering Liz. I wish so much that he was back with you and Maddy. My heart aches for you and I hope she comes to you in your dreams and brings you peace soon.
sending love to you and Maddy. what a beautiful memory, forever juxtaposed with such a hard one.
hang in there matt! i can’t even imagine the pain that you are going through and my heart breaks for you! one day it will be bearable. i will be thinking about you! – e
Oh Matt….my heart just aches for you and Maddy and I was thinking of you both today!! I know it may not seem like much, but look at how far you have come in the last 16 months…you truly are a wonderfiull father and husband and that sweet little girl and Liz are SO blessed to have such a wonderful man in their lives!! I am sorry that the memories were so rough today, and I can only imagine how hard it is, and if I could have one wish it would be for Liz to be here with both of you, and see what a wonderfull and beautiful daughter you guys have together!! *huge hugz* got out to both of you today and always….
My heart aches for you matt.
I hope someday that you can get some peace. I feel so bad for you!
my heart breaks at the sadness you have.You are an awesome Dad
huggs
I saw someone else’s comment that it isn’t fucking fair. It really isn’t. It isn’t fucking fair. And I am so sorry.
Thank you, Matt for sharing these thoughts. Hugs to you. You’re doing a terrifically amazing job! ~~Jamie
I wish there was someone in this world that loves me as much as you love Liz.
No words Matt…
So fucking unfair…
Your words tonight… Just heartwrenching. Which I’m sure is only a fraction of what you are feeling. Its an unfair journey that you and maddy are on. I’m just hoping that your memories, and all the pictures you have – in photographs, and in your mind – help ease the pain.
xo xo xo
Matt – you are amazing. Your love for Liz is truly inspirational and whether you realize it or not you are teaching Maddy that is how a woman should be loved. I can only imagine what you are going through, thoughts and prayers to you today.
Big hugs…we’re pulling for you. keep writing, It’s an amazing gift to Maddy.
Sucks.
thats alright.
the hurt bloody sux.
There really are no words. There are good days and bad days. Raising Maddy, keeping it together, showing her the world…..that’s awesome, keep it up. HUGS from the internet world.
Keep remembering the good, the bad, the ugly… it’s all part of your healing — You are a tremendous example to others who are on your journey — Thoughts are with you today.
matt the one thing you know is that she loved you as much as you loved her. some people never know that kind of love, and even worse, never appreciate it. you and liz did both. madeline is all the very best parts of that rolled into one amazing beam of light. let the memories warm your heart. you loved liz with all that you had and have every right to feel each emotion. it’s what makes you who you are and what makes you the best father to madeline. sending you strength.
I’m sorry Matt, so very sorry!
matt …this was so beautiful…
It doesn’t seem right. Certainly not fair.
But, dang. Your writing.
Oh, Matt. Just lovely and heartbreaking. Tears in my eyes this morning for you. And Maddy. Liz loved and married you for a reason. She knew you would be this man, this father. I am so sorry she is not there with you to see it all happening. But she knew. And she was so, so right.
I can almost imagine her in the red dress as you described. What a precious memory. You made it through one more 25th. You are strong and I’m so glad that you embrace your feelings. Much love to you, especially today.
I am so sorry you are hurting so bad right now. Your baby girl looks more and more like her mother every day. Hopefully she can turn that frown upside down and make you remmeber all the good times.
Eloquent Matt. Painfully so.
beautiful post…
beautiful… and you know she thinking of ya’ll too. every memory that floods you keeps her alive! thank you for sharing those moments with us.
Matt, you may not know it, but you are very brave to totally feel all of your pain…I think it will help you heal. And, I do hope one day it gets better. Your daughter is so blessed to have such a neat dad, I think you are anyway….Continue on this journey and thank you for sharing it…..
Continuing thoughts and prayers for you and Maddy. I can’t imagine the day to day struggle, you are a strong man, and wonderful father. Hopefully soon you will find peace in all of this.
beautiful.
thinking of you. (both)
My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I can not even imagine how you feel. You are doing such a great job raising your little Madeline. I hope that it makes you get some comfort by knowing that we all support you.
The only thing I can give to you in this moment are *hugs*.
Matt,
My heart is aching for you as well. I wish I had something more profound to say. I know that you are doing a great job and have so much to be proud of. I also know that none of that fills the hole in your heart that only belongs to Liz. Just know that your “stranger” friends are constantly thinking of you and little miss madeline and sending you both hugs from all over the world!
Shock is such a mysterious thing, what it can do to our minds. When I miscarried my baby, in the middle of the night on the floor of the bathroom the toilet fililng with blood…I could not comprehend. I can only imagine the deeper level of shock you must have felt, and how it still is working it’s way in your system. I’m just sorry you lost her.
Oh Matt!
I’m sorry for your loss. Its not fair that you and Maddy have to go through this. Please know you have love and support of people all around the world.
On Friday, my own world nearly came crashing down. My partner was rushed to hospital with suspected brain haemorrhage. Today as I’m writing this, he is home, sleeping. Your strength and courage, provides inspiration to us all.
I have been reading your blog for a few months. I have 2 boys and a husband. I listened to your speech (it took me a week, a few minutes at a time in the morning and at night when the kids were asleep). Something that you said hit home: “we never just sit around and watch tv” I love the way you qualified that saying that you might’ve been doing that if Liz were ther because you would’ve thought you had all the time in the world. Although I’m not sure if I can do something everyday like you do, it made me take pause, and today we had a picnic in the back yard, went swimming, played around all day. My kids are so content now, happily reading books and not constantly asking what they can do now. Thank you so much for teaching me such a valuable lesson. I pride myself in the fact that I don’t send my kids to daycare, but how much time do I actually spend playing with them? I wish it were more, and it will be now! I spend a lot of time thinking after I read your blog, what would I ever do without my husband? I can only hope that I would be half as good as you are!
There are things I will never remember about my darkest hours. Her, though, the way she looked, I will never forget.
I want to have the ability to get her back for you. I know that hole in your heart must be enormous and can’t be filled. I’ll continue to pray for you. Hugs to you and Maddy!
Love, Mere
Sending you so many hugs. Wish there was more I could do.
Fuck. Just Fuck.
Thinking of you.
Matt, there are no words…sometimes I wish so hard for you that this all wasn’t happening and Liz would be back in your life that for a split second I almost think that wishing and hoping hard enough will actually make it so. Thinking of you as always.
: (
It’s those moments that you let yourself remember… It’s so bittersweet. So beautiful to remember but the soul aches so much when you let yourself do it.
It’s unfair. The three of you have been robbed.
But at the same time, Liz was lucky. I would give just about anything (except my daughters) for someone to love me as much as you love her.
Love is always spectacular, Matt… even when it’s tragic.
Both the content and the composition of this post are simply beautiful. Thinking about you today.
My heart breaks for you.
I vivid way you’re able to remember your love/adoration for Liz warms my heart and amazes me. You are lucky to have found love that strong. I’m sorry she was taken from you so young. I hope that by your writing these memories like this and taking all the pics that you do that your memory never fades.
Prayers to you and madeline.
I ache for you and for your Madeline. I’m turning to your blog, your words for guidance. My very good friend, suddenly, tragically, shockingly lost her partner 36 hours ago. They have a beautiful baby girl, who only had 6 months with her daddy. Her mother and I were pregnant together, and I watched them bond and love and be a family. And now it’s been obliterated and it doesn’t make sense and it’s so fucking unfair. And I have no words. Nothing will ever make this right, and I don’t know what to say to her. Anything I have to say sounds paltry, or trite, or careless. And the last thing I want to be is careless with someone’s grief, as it is so personal, so raw, so intimate. And so I am turning to your words, perhaps to give me some to share. To give me some clue as to what I’m supposed to say.
“I’m sorry” sounds so woefully inadequate.
But I am. From the bottom of my heart, with every fiber of my being, with every breath I have taken since Friday morning, I am so fucking sorry. You and she deserved better from this life. And Madeline and Amiya deserved to know and love the ones that brought them into this world.
So, in short, thank you. For writing, for feeling, for revealing what this grief, this loss, this heartbreak looks like. Because it helps so many. Not only those who have traveled your path, but those who also want to attempt to provide some small amount of comfort.
Sending you hugs all the way from Denmark.
See? you ARE a writer. this was really beautiful, matt.
Matt, you do have some great memories to go along with the really dark ones. Hold on to the happy ones, and then give Maddy a big hug!
Isn’t time weird? Both near and far at once. And memory too. Its like our whole life is just tiny droplets of memory.
i have never met you. i have never loved they way you show you have. i live in another country. and yet … i feel like i sit beside you and my heart breaks. it breaks with sorrow for what you have lost, and what maddie will never know she missed. and it breaks with gratitude that she has you to love her and teach her about liz. with compassion …
Reading your blog continues to fill me with anxiety . Normally this woud be bad…in this case it fuels me to be a better parent to my children. I’m more aware of the fact that time is truly fleeting. I will never get these days, months or years with them back. Looking back with regrets is one of my worst fears in life.
Take care of yourself.
I have been reading your blog for many months now and this one really brought tears to my eyes. My heart goes out to you and the loss you have suffered. I wish you and Maddy only the best. It sounds like you are doing a great job being her parent and making sure that she will have lots of wonderful memories of her childhood! Take care!
Matt,
I have been reading your blong since April of 08 but I think this is only my second, maybe 3rd comment. I just never can put into words something that hasn’t been said over and over before. I felt I needed to comment today after listening to your speech. I was surprised to hear that Liz had spent so much time in Hartford. I grew up in Hartford and although I no longer live in Hartford I still live in CT and work in Hartford. It made me wonder if our pathes had ever crossed when she was here. What a small world.
I think you did a wonderful job with your speech and I know it helped so many who were there to listen. I also want you to know how beautiful your daughter is (you know that already I’m sure). I have a little girl a few months older than Madeline and I have enjoyed watching Madeline grow along with my daughter. You do such a wonderful job with her. She is lucky to have you for her dad. I know you will let her know every day how wonderful her mom was and your book will be such a tribute to both of your lovely ladies. I can’t wait to read it! Best of luck with the writing process.
Beautiful
Matt: Just wanted to thank you for taking my call the other day. I really needed to vent my anger and my feelings of hopelessness. Your post on the 25th really said it all. Your love for liz was so strong then but even stronger now. Always keep Liz alive with your love. As for Miss Maddy she is just awesome. She looks so much like her mother. Thanks for sharing your love for her and maddy with all of us. Looking forward to someday meeting up with you and Maddy.
Rosann
Matt -
Although my loss was the loss of a child and not a spouse every so often (also on the 25th) I look around and realize what day it is and then start counting back to the time when it was different.
It’s been 10 years and while it’s not as frequent as it use to be it still comes – along with those memories you talk about.
Hugs and prayers for you today.
Beautiful and so so sad…wish it were different for you.
Peace.
Hey Matt…
Love you & maddy…I know you & Jennifer are friends(McMama). Just wanted to be sure you knew Stellan is very sick & headed to Boston again. I know they’ll appreciate all good thoughts we can send their way! Keep up the great work, you’re an awesome Dad:)
This post made my eyes water and bottom lip stick out.
I too wish I could give her back to you. ((HUGS))
“Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.”
-Oscar Wilde
Oh my. Tears.
No big decisions after the sun goes down on those kind of days.
SUBLIME!
Beautiful writing. Emotional… my heart aches for you… sending you hugs XX
Chills and heartache at your words. I can’t imagine there is much comfort in anything but Memories (which can also sting) and Madeline. I’m glad you have both, I wish you had more.
beautiful.
wow.
in the photo at the bottom, are you and maddie at blackdog?
Matt, so heartbreaking. 4 years later (August 7th) and I still feel that way somedays. I don’t think it ever goes away…..
ow, my heart.
but a beautiful love letter…
Matt, that was beautiful
*hugs*
Anniversaries suck. At 3 years, it gets easier but not easy.
X
Supa
Really sweet. just short and to the point, we all miss Liz and wish she could be here to see all that is, today. Although we would never know about dear M. The number 2 now, we both have it, my daughter and me…You and your daughter….what would life be like with siblings for our girls…Would we take the time to enjoy them and treasure their essence that so shines through of the parent that is no longer with us….I think we would be racing and not looking for all the particular moves or gestures of our spouse in our child…It is weird very weird…But it shines through larger than life, and we take a quick breath and continue to move…We can do this, we have done it thus far. Awesome Matt. U rock.
I have been away..Spending time with daughter #2 giving birth to baby#5. What a wonderful love letter to liz. I can’t wait for the book.
Beautiful….in every way possible! Moved me to pieces!
Maybe someone’s already told you about this… but there’s an OLD Steve Martin movie called “A Simple Twist of Fate” (1994?) where he gets this little girl, Matilda, and has to, strike that, GETS to, raise her.
I don’t remember much of the movie, except how charming he was, and how he had to get something done, so he tied a big balloon to her so he could see where she was.
I think of that often in my head when I think of you guys. How you may not always do things by the book (thank god, fuck the books) and how you and Mads will do just fine – even if she has a big balloon tied to her.
In the past I’ve commented that you’ve made me be a better mom. And I do thank you for that again. But I recently saw a picture of you and your best girl, that made me want to be a better daughter. I bet my dad thanks for that.
Oh Matt, my heart can’t help but hurt for you. <3 *hugs*
This is my first comment. I’m just so incredibly sorry, but I know that maddie is in good hands. you are very blessed having her. I’ll be praying for you, hope you don’t mind.
I know that missing feeling, I know those terrible thoughts in the quiet of the night, daytime seems to silence them, but they always come back.
I am sending peace into the universe for you and your daughter.
I just came across your blog today (or yesterday at that, on the east coast). I read every entry. I am so unbelievable moved and have to share with you another story. When I lived in Denver, I babysat for THE most amazing family I will every have the joy and honor of meeting.
When you look for a charity to sponsor please, please, please, please, please, consider:
http://www.willaswheels.org/
the story can be found at:
http://fischersfamilyandfriends.blogspot.com/
Just to think of how many people are out there that need the stranger/friend love and support is unimaginable.
You are doing an effing phenomenal job and it warms my heart. So many nights I have fallen asleep crying to the thoughts of Willa, the struggles of Stacey and Henry and to find your blog and find a reason to smile. They beauty born from hardship. Sorry, I get shmoopy.
But, really, thank you for putting your life out there. Readable. On the web. You made my day, for the next year.
I know she’s listening, Matt. She has her arms around you, hugging you tight.
Much love to you…
Matt,
I’m a widowed single papa of a beautiful six year old girl living in Los Angeles. Hopeful to someday meet you and swap experiences over a beer or six. I want to let you know that you are doing an outstanding job and that you are an inspiration to me. In many ways you have given me the permission to express myself and share my story.
-It will always hurt. . . Grief is (in some beautifully fucked up way) a way to say thank you.
On your team,
Paddy Wilkins
I felt a little squeeze in my chest, reading your post. I read all the time (and have you linked from my blog) but today felt compelled to post to you. If you were here, if I was there, if we knew each other, I would hug you to pieces. Instead, know that there is someone out there, wishing you peace.
That’s brilliantly written.
Nostalgia ain’t always what it’s cracked up to be. It beats you up, but finally you just can’t live without it.
There’s more of her visible all around you, on every single day, and in the eyes which look back at you, across the breakfast table.
But in your mind, she’s there constantly, as you dash forwards from the present to the past and towards the unknown future.
You get used to holding her there, inside. It’s hard to explain what that is like — except perhaps to say, it’s nowhere near enough.
That is so bittersweet I can hardly read it. I’m sorry.
Matt,
My name is Renee. No you don’t know me, but I know all too well the situation you are in. I’m in the same position as Madeline. I unlike her lost my birth father when I was 3. I can’t tell you how much it will help her along her journey to have the amazing father you appear to be. I can tell you from experience there will be times when she has many questions and many frustrations because you are all she has to fill in the unknowns. Not all of the questions have to be answered by you. Your little girl will always see you as a knight in shining armor even if during her teenage years it appears to be the opposite. So in this novel (sorry about that) the only thing I was really meaning to say is that you are doing an amazing job and to give you the piece of advice that no one gave my mom. Madeline will I’m almost certain have question but wont always know how to ask, so always be open to talking about her mother.
Sorry, if none of this makes sense right now. But I just thought I would give you a look into what her mind may be like once she grows up.
Thanks,
Renee
Always remember the beauty in the time you had together. Especially those moments the three of you were together…
this is absolutely beautiful. heartwrenching, but beautiful. i’m glad that sometimes you can remember those other memories.
Matt I cannot imagine what you are going through with your loss but I can relate to the embolism…my husband had that 4 years ago and it was the scariest thing. His breathing was compromised for hours and we rushed him to the hospital. 4 days he spent in there and they never found out where it came from. I told him he was the lucky one cause he made it and is around for our 2 kids.
You are an amazing father and your beautiful daughter is VERY lucky to have you in her life!!!
stay strong you are a beautiful soul
i saw you on the racheal ray show today. your story was a tragic one and really touched my heart.you are a wonderful devoted dad and a true blessing to your beautiful little girl.after losing alot of love ones in my life i have come to the conclusion that you never get over the love you share with someone you are forced to have to deal with it. i think the helpness and empty feelings sometimes are the worst.then i think what heartbreak our heavenly father suffered when he had to send his only son to earth to die an awful death.then i feel my suffering i have endured is just a piece of cake.please remember that death is not a solid goodbye but just so long for awhile and the love you have for your wife you will always have in your heart.memories and love is something death can never steal from you.even tho we don’t understand when things happen we all know that god makes no mistakes.you are so forunite to have your beautiful happy baby. i am glad god left her here for you to love and care for.with god’s help you will survive.i am so sorry you lost your wife.may god bless you both and keep you in his care.i will continue to check out your web sight to see how you both are doing.