four minus two.

the days leading

up to this day,

should have been

spent the way that

i prepared

for the others…

frantically trying

to buy you the

perfect thing.


i’ve spent my

days and nights staring

at the things

on my fingers,

thinking about how


has been on


almost as long as it

was on yours.

and how this

is the second one of these



and how we only

had two


but how can

that be?

that song says,

“and in my dreams you’re alive and you’re crying, as your mouth moves in mine, soft and sweet, rings of flowers ’round your eyes and i love you, for the rest of your life…”

and it’s the

one that makes

me feel that

it can be and that it


and it kills me to

watch our perfect thing

smile, and have

her kiss me

on the cheek

(only when prompted, of course, which i know would make you laugh),

knowing that you never

saw it,

and will never…

and when she

points to your photo,

points to you,

each morning

before we leave

our house…

i have to keep

it together,

because i can’t

lose it every morning.

but most mornings

i do.

and here we are,

in a place

we drove through many

years ago.

the streets look

the same.

but we…

without you

we can’t be

and without you

we aren’t.

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