incredibly busy the
last few weeks.
let’s summarize…
maddy’s molars are
coming in.
that means lots
of drooling and
whining, and maybe
just a bit more
screaming than usual.
i was in
a place i like
very little, attempting
to hide from the sun.
you may ask,
why do i go
to a place i
don’t love?
well…i went to enjoy the
company of friends
i don’t get to
see very often.
also, i try never to
to miss out
on an opportunity
to hang out with
anthony and i find it
nearly impossible to
say no to another
adventure with mark.
i may complain
a lot, but
i had a great time
hanging out with everyone.
while i was in
las vegas, madeline
was back in los angeles
with grandpa tom g.,
grandma candee and
awesome auntie deb.
they had a great
time playing with
all the new toys
grandma and
grandpa bought for her.
a few days after
i returned from
my trip, i was
on flight number #23
with madeline.
just like last year,
we decided that we’d
escape the country
for what would have
been my wedding anniversary.
and like last year,
we went with
liz’s
family to canada.
but this year we
headed to vancouver
instead of banff.
so after an uneventful
flight, except for
me crying the
entire way,
(maddy was silent)
we landed and
i walked through
the airport with
maddy in a front pack,
remembering the last
time i went
down that escalator
and stood in that
customs line.
it was 2003 and
i was with
liz,
and we were on our
way to whistler
for a work-related trip
with the consulting
firm for whom
she
worked.
on that trip
we took what
was one of my favorite
hikes ever.
…
tried to put
it out of my mind
as i stood in
line behind some
some actress
from some movie
i don’t remember.
got to the front
of the line and
was greeted by a
friendly customs lady.
“welcome to canada. passports, please.”
i handed her
the passports and
waited for her to
look them over.
“traveling alone?”
fuck.
i knew exactly where
she was going
with that question.
decided to be
a smartass, even
though she could have
prevented me
from entering the country…
pointing at madeline
still strapped to me chest,
i said,
“well, no. i’m traveling with my daughter.”
the customs lady
looked at me
and said,
“where’s her mother?”
“dead. i have a death certificate. do you need to see it?”
“yes. please.”
i handed her
the now dog-eared
piece of paper,
the same one
i’ve been carrying
around since i
applied for madeline’s
passport last year.
she looked it over
and handed it
back to me.
“i’m sorry.”
“yeah, me too”
i asked her a
few questions about
what would have happened
if i didn’t
have the death
certificate with me.
“well, we try to get a feel for the traveler. if we’re suspicious, we’d have you contact family members to confirm your story.”
“and if i had been traveling with a woman?”
“i would’ve had no reason to ask you about her mother.”
i walked past
the woman and
made my way to
baggage claim.
there they were.
liz’s
parents and sister.
fuck, this is gonna
be hard, is all
i could think.
we all hugged
and they helped
us grab our luggage.
after some lunch
in the airport,
we loaded up the
rental car and
headed off to
our hotel.
as we drove,
the memories of
my last drive
through vancouver
came flooding back…
we shared a
car with another couple
and we drove down
this street,
all very excited for
the week that was coming.
we were supposed
to have a million
more of these.
…
stuck in traffic
grandpa tom g.
said to the drivers
ahead of him,
“go! go! go!”
and then maddy
said,
“go! go! go!”
and that’s how
i was brought
back to my reality.
i smiled.
then i told
everyone in the car
that we have to
be careful what
we say,
’cause my best girl
can now repeat
a lot of what
we say, or at
the very least, mimic
our inflection and syllables.
just the other
day i called some
guy an asshole
in traffic.
maddy said back
to me,
“ash-ol”
i laughed, even
though i know
i shouldn’t have.
but she also repeats
all sorts of
other words,
words she has
learned from the
books we read.
she can say
duck & bear & cat & dog & monkey,
and she sort
of says butterfly
(which absolutely blew me away the first time i heard it).
and just the other
day she repeated
the word,
blueberry just as clearly
as i say it.
soon enough
the car ride was
over and we were
checked into our hotel.
then we
were off to explore
stanley park.
grandma candee helped
maddy push her
stroller through the park,
until maddy decided
she wanted to
do it alone.
maddy enjoyed the
freedom of running
through the park
but then it was
time for the
torture to begin…
i found a shopping
cart on a bike
path, and made sure
that i got a
photo of her
in it.
then i made her
stand in a
hollowed-out
tree stump, which
was the thing that
put her over the edge.
i handed her
a stick with
the hopes of
distracting her so we
could get a few
more photos.
and that worked unil
she tasted the dirt
on the end
of the stick,
so i handed my
camera over to
grandpa tom g.
and climbed into the
tree stump with her.
we played a
bit more until
maddy melted down
in the middle of
the bike path,
and then we knew
it was time
to get her home.
within a couple
of minutes,
she looked like this:
it was one of
a few moments
on this trip that
i realized how different
things are from
past trips.
before maddy,
i couldn’t stand to
sit in the hotel
when i could be
out exploring.
i’d make
liz
get up earlier than
she really wanted
to, and force her
to take part
in activities that
may not have been
high on her priority list.
and last year at
this time,
that trip to
banff was all about
me and my desires.
i hiked, and walked
and did the things
that i wanted to do,
and maddy didn’t
put up
a fight.
this year?
the trip is all
about her.
she has a schedule
these days,
and when she’s tired
i yield to her.
and now that she
can walk and
(sort of) express herself,
she’s definitely in charge.
and as much
i miss being in
charge, it’s probably
good of me
to let go of
some of my selfishness.
and i guess that’s
how the rest of
my life will go.
so awesome.
so later that night,
after maddy’s nap,
we had a nice dinner
during which madeline
threw food
on the floor
and plastic cups
at the other patrons.
surprisingly, no one
was angered by
the barrage.
i guess those eyes
and that smile have
a way
of distracting the victims
of her crimes.
that night, after
the 13th had
arrived, i
wrote this.
the next morning
it was still the 13th,
and i was still
thinking about
that day in 2005.
but thankfully
i had this to
distract me:
then i was lucky
enough to
have a cup of
tea with a long-time
blog reader, hawkfeather p.
had a lovely conversation
and she promised to
show me around the
city during the
next couple of days.
that afternoon we
went to the aquarium.
maddy was mesmerized.
i had just as
much fun
watching her point
and mumble about
all the “ish” in
the tanks.
we got a
couple more photos
before making a
stop in the gift shop.
i demonstrated
for grandpa tom g.,
my method of
keeping madeline
from completely ruining
my hearing:
after the shopping
trip, we headed to
the rental car.
but there was
no car,
just glass where our
car used to be.
after a long
and time-consuming
investigation by tom
and deb, we learned
that our car was
towed by the vancouver
police after it was
broken in to.
weird, but sorta nice.
we finally made it
back to our hotel,
and i made the
executive decision to
go pick up
dinner rather than
try to go out.
maddy’s bed time was
approaching, and
i didn’t feel like
picking food up off
of the floor of
a fancy restaurant
that night.
so i walked
down the street
to a french
restaurant and this happened.
after knocking
down a couple
of glasses of
port that brought
me back a
few years,
i grabbed our
food and
headed back to
our hotel room.
had a nice dinner
with everyone,
then got a message
from a blog reader,
inviting me out
for a night
on the town.
i suppose a
drink or two would
do my good.
so rachel and her
husband, derek
picked me
up and took me
out for a few drinks.
had a great time
chatting with them
and learning more
about their lives.
they sorted of
reminded me
of this other couple
i used to know.
…
after drinks we
went out for a burger
and fries at
one of their
favorite late-night spots.
they dropped me
off at my hotel
and i promised them
a place to
stay when they finally
end up visiting
los angeles.
i got to sleep
around 3:00am
that night,
and about an
hour later
maddy was awake
and trying to convice
me to take her out
of her crib.
after about 10 minutes
of yelling at
me, i obliged and
let her jump up
and down on me
while i tried
to sleep.
she did this
until 6:30am.
not fun.
so here it is,
friday, i made it
past the day.
i was tired,
but i walked
with tom
to the car rental
place to pick
up a replacement car.
later that day we
had a little lunch,
and thought about
how i have
been waiting years
to dress my child
like me
and how
liz
would have been okay
with this because
the shirt was pink.
after lunch we
took a trip to
a really big
suspension bridge.
i’m not a big
fan of heights,
but i have
to be tough
for my girl.
we took a whole
bunch of photos
then we all
laughed as maddy
ran back
and forth across
a couple of bridges.
from there we
took the gondola
up grouse mountain
(have i mentioned that i’m not a fan of heights? well, i’m not).
we reached the
top and watched as
maddy stumbled around,
got a little too
close to a bear,
and ended up
in a hollowed-out
tree stump.
later we laughed
as some drunk dude
fell head first
into the area
where the logging
show was happening
(dudes sawing logs, throwing axes, log rolling, etc),
and looked on
in disbelief as
he told the
lady announcing the
event how hot she was
while she helped
him to his feet.
after that shit show
we made our
way back down
the mountain and back
to our hotel.
that night we
had thai food in
our rooms and went
to bed early.
the next morning
i had tea and
a great conversation with
blog reader, tamara k.
there’s something
so incredibly nice about
getting the opportunity
to meet and
hang out with
new people in
nearly every city
we visit.
after tea
the family headed
off to granville island
via a very
short ferry ride.
of course, madeline
passed out as
soon as we
got there.
she slept right
through lunch.
people stared at
me as i moved
her and the backpack
to different spots
for the sake of
a great photo.
i think i was
right when i
figured i’d
be crossing a line
if i actually
followed through
with my desire to
place a little
food on her head
in order to get
a seagull to
land on her.
eventually she woke
up and drove
a boat
then she thought
about chasing some geese
until she realized
that those things
are actually
quite mean.
we spent what
seemed like hours
playing in a park
before heading out
for a late lunch
and finally back
to the hotel
for a nap.
well, i didn’t nap.
i left maddy with
the fam and
met up with
hawkfeather and
her partner, loren
for a walk around
a part of the
city that
tourists apparently avoid.
here is some
of what we saw:
we saw a
lot of stuff
being sold
including heroin,
vhs cassettes,
and meat.
a guy posed
for a photo
holding something
called, “death mints”
we asked what
death mints tasted
like and he said
without hesitation,
“mint.”
…
stopped off for
a drink before
saying goodbye
to my new friends.
i walked home
alone, pausing
long enough to
get a few photos.
by the time
i arrived at the
hotel, everyone had
eaten so
i decided i would
do something
i haven’t done in years…
have a quiet
dinner alone,
just me and a book.
made it most
of the way
through that quiet dinner,
the only
words spoken
were when i
placed my order,
when a waitress who
hadn’t been serving
me said,
“can i ask you a question?”
“sure.”
“we were just wondering…are you on t.v.?”
before i could
say anything
a guy at the bar
piped in and said,
“you look exactly like a guy in (some show) on channel (can’t remember).”
“nope. that’s not me.”
then he said,
“well, i would have known for sure it wasn’t you if i had heard you speak first.”
dinner over and
wine gone,
i sat reading
until it was just
me, the tv-loving guy
at the bar and
the wait staff.
walked back to
the hotel and went
to sleep.
the next morning
we were off to
the airport and
on our way
back home.
maddy screamed
for most of
the flight.
i tried everything…
milk, snacks, toys,
in-flight magazine, and
everything else
in my diaper bag o’ tricks.
nothing worked.
a woman sitting
nearby must have
felt my pain
(she had 3 kids with her, all older than madeline)
so she came
to our seats
with a marker and
a coloring book.
in her arms,
madeline reverted back
to the child
that flew on
most of the previous
22 trips,
and i became
the father i
felt like at
that moment…
an exhausted one.
i slumped down
in my seat,
muscles sore from
trying to wrangle
a 20+ pound
child in a
very tight space.
maddy spent
the rest of the
flight with this
woman, who is
obviously one
of the nicest people
in the entire world,
not flinching when
madeline thrust a
spit-covered marker
cap toward her
mouth, and smiling
and laughing
as maddy took
that green marker
and wrote all over
her face.
i got maddy
back as we
made our descent,
and she passed out
right before
we touched down.
awesome.
i had to
wake her up
a few minutes
later so we could
get off of the
plane, and boy
was she pissed.
she was
screaming and the first
few kicks from
her feet caught me
right in the nuts
(i walked the rest of the way through the airport, one hand in place, to avoid any further pain).
got to baggage
claim and talked
to the woman
who spelled me
on the plane,
thanking her
for everything.
soon we were
in the car
and on our way
to our house.
we spent most
of the afternoon
and evening falling
in and out of sleep.
i was in
bed and asleep
by 10:00.
the next day
we were back
to our routine,
maddy with her
homeboys/girls at
daycare and
me at work.
in the morning
she did
what she’s been
known to do lately
and in the evening
we played in
the yard for awhile
then maddy
waited patiently
for another apple
to drop
and finally tried to
get more ammunition
on her own.
went in the house
for a short nap
before dinner.
woke up at one
point, as my
lovely daughter
used my beard
to lower herself
down from the couch.
that really,
really fucking hurt.
we went to
bed early,
both still trying
to recover from
the last few weeks.
on tuesday
morning she tried
to take my camera
and on tuesday
night we
welcomed the bastard
back to los angeles
with a trip
to amoeba.
maddy made him carry
her the entire trip,
refusing to go
in her stroller or
into my arms.
dropped the
bastard off in highland park
and drove home.
on wednesday
she ditched daycare,
spending the day with
liz’s
cousin, renee and
her husband, rob,
visiting from the mn.
they went to
the zoo and played
in the yard
while i spent
my day staring
at spreadsheets.
i think they
had more fun.
that night
renee and rob
picked up pizza
and kept an eye
on my child,
(as well as two of elizabeth’s kids)
while 4/5 of the california
liz logelin foundation
board members
joined me
at my house
for our monthly meeting.
we’re in the final
stages of planning
for our big events
in september,
and we celebrated the
fact that we
have been granted our
501(c) 3 non-profit corporation designation.
went on a
nice walk with
madeline on thursday morning,
and i got a
photo of her
that reminded more
than a couple
of us of
her
mom.
i got one
of both of us
before we headed
off to burbank
to start our days.
thursday night,
maddy went to
sleep before melanie
arrived to babysit her.
i was off to
see j. tillman
at the echo
with the bastard,
melodie, kimberly
and briana.
awesome show
followed by an
impromptu beard contest
(he won).
friday morning
we took another walk
and spent the evening
booking our flight
to india.
we’ll be gone for
a short time,
working on the
next chapter of my
book and our
lives.
saturday we went
to griffith park with
stranger friend, tarsha.
maddy had a ton
of fun playing
in the sand
on the swings
and on the playground.
then we sat
in the grass
and watched as
madeline attempted to
blow bubbles.
she finally succeeded,
after sucking the soapy
water into her mouth
a few times.
we said goodbye
to our new
friend and headed home.
we were there
long enough
for a short nap,
before heading
over to elizabeth’s house.
maddy went to
a pool party with
her pals,
while i headed off
to the red lion
for dinner and
drinks with the
bastard, peter, eileen,
john, heather and jason.
ah, just like
the good ol’ days.
anya joined
us later,
and it reminded me
of all the
previous trips we
had taken there,
liz
would stop by
after work and
she’d order
the giant cheese sandwich
while i took down
part of a
sausage platter.
lots of laughs and
good memories
in the place.
we eventually headed
back to my
house and
spent some time
on the front porch,
admiring the view
of the mountains.
everyone was gone
by 11:00, and i
went to bed.
picked maddy up on
sunday morning
and drove straight
down to long beach
so we could hit
the aquarium.
we were driving
during her usual
nap time, but she
refused to sleep.
that, of course,
means i had a
very, very crabby baby.
we met up with
our friends, melodie
and reece.
madeline did okay
as we watched
the sharks
and while we
fed the birds,
but not long
after, she melted
down so we decided
to take a walk.
she didn’t quiet
down until
i let her out
of her stroller.
but soon it
was time to go…
parked on level
4 of the
parking structure,
she was asleep
by the time
we reached level 2.
she slept the
entire drive home,
and for an hour
when we got back.
that night we
headed to
pasadena for
dinner with our
friend, erin.
we drove toward
lake, passing
the exit for
that other street,
the one i try to
avoid looking at
every time
i drive past.
it’s too hard to
think about
what happened there.
made it to
erin’s and had an
awesome home-cooked meal.
she entertained
maddy for a bit,
until bedtime arrived.
we said goodbye and
drove home.
i read maddy
her dog book
and then put her
to sleep.
i spent the night
writing and writing and writing.
monday.
maddy is 17 months
old today.
time is flying.
as i tried to
leave the house
she walked back
toward the
table with the lamp,
pointed at a
photo and said,
“mama”
tonight we’ll have
dinner with
liz’s
friend, diane
and we’ll laugh
and undoubtedly cry.
but i’ll end up
with a baby sleeping
in a crib,
and i’ll be on
my couch with my
computer on my lap,
listening to some
depressing-ass song,
knowing that this shit
is not getting
any easier.
(side note…do you want to help the liz logelin foundation make a little cash? if you want to help and don’t mind giving your e-mail address to a cookie company, please click here and choose the liz logelin foundation from the drop-down menu. thanks…).
158 Comments
Awesome post. Love the look in Maddy’s eyes in the pictures as she explores. Can’t believe that your rental car got broke into !!
LOVE her black & white dress with the crawfish (or lobster) on the front! So cute !!
nice. loved this post. loved the photos. awesome.
Continued prayers Matt. Love the pictures and videos!
Great post, Matt – as always, it made me laugh, smile and cry – you are a wonderful Dad. Maddie is so lucky to have you. My little guy was born Mar. 7th and at the same stages as Maddie is. He also LOVES that mouth tapping thing…it’s so funny – and an excellent way to keep them quiet.
If you guys are ever in the Toronto area, I’m sure Evan would love to play with Maddie!
The video of Maddy running across the bridge is one that you could watch over and over again. She’s gorgeous. My thoughts are with you as you navigate the road of grief. Hang in there.
Wishing it could be easier, but knowing that it can’t be. Thinking of you and Maddy.
That toddler jibberish is cute…mine started back to school today and I was remembering when my youngest would point and say “Blutterfy” in place of butterfly.
Hope your trip to India is everything you want, and nothing else.
She is so grown up, and you are so amazing. xoxoxox
-seems like you had some really great trips.
-happy 17 month birthday Maddy! she is so cute.
-i already did the cookie co thing last week.
-sorry tomorrow will suck
hugs….thats all i got today
whew! I’m tired just reading about all of that! Always loved the aquarium (in Coney Island) with my son–a great way to pass time and learn new things. I wanted to take a moment and ask you to be careful in India. Friend of mine who are from there are always careful to be aware of things going on around them when they visit–particularly in regards to their children. I just want you and Maddie to be safe. (there, I said it. I did not want to be a nervous-sounding person, but I needed to say it).
Wonderful recap!! i read your blog faithfully every day, but i have to say…when did i miss the entry about the tattooed biceps? what does it say? As usual, Maddie is beautiful and i am glad that you are exploring Canada, even if you are not doing it the way you would have wanted.
Matt will you still blog And post pictures while In India?
sounds like you two have been busy. Congrats on the charity status.
Thanks for the update Matt! It has been such an awesome privilege to experience Madeline growing up through your blog and the adventures you guys take! Keep the updates coming!
wow, you have been busy…
What a busy few weeks! Your strength continues to amaze me! Your photos of Maddy, especially in her jeans in Canada really show that transition she’s making from a baby to a little girl! Have a great week!
Glad you had fun in Canada.
I lost my parents (10 years ago this year for my mom when I was 19, soon to be 8 years ago for my dad when I was 22) and while it doesn’t get any easier, it gets slightly more bearable to go on in life. It helps when I stare at my 20-month-old nephew’s smiling face as he says “aunty.”
they are so much harder to please at this age. but very cute as their personalities come out.
please post where you got those awesome boots for her (aquarium pics)!
Enjoyed reading your post, as usual. Feeling sad for myself as I received a traffic ticket today. Then I read your post and realized that turning right on red does not quite compare to losing a loved one, raising a child on your own, and having your entire life’s plan altered quite suddenly. Thanks for your perspective and for changine mine.
Thanks always for sharing your story. You inspire many people. God bless.
Thank you once again for sharing your life, your daughter, and your grief with us.
“it’s probably good of me to let go of some of my selfishness.
and i guess that’s how the rest of my life will go.”
That’s such a huge life lesson, one that some never learn. Great post Matt.
Maddy looks just like her mom……
So when are you goin to India?
I have many of the same pictures of visits to Vancouver and Granville Island. Glad it was a trip full of memories.
Love the updates. Thanks for letting me (and everyone else) into your life.
I would sign up for that cookie thing, but it says only for Americans…
Matt, I’ve been reading your blog for well over a year, and I’ve always thought that Maddy was wee li’l Mini Liz in the looks departure. You know though, she is starting to look much more like you. Sure, in most pics, she’s still ALL Liz, but in quite a few now, she has YOUR facial expressions and features. It’s cool to see her changing as she grows, and it doesn’t matter who she looks like cuz dag nabbit, that kid is GORGEOUS, dammit, GORGEOUS!
Thanks for sharing your updates with us. I can relate to it being “her schedule”. It’s fun to let go of control and watch them grow. You’re doing a great job Matt. India will be great for the two of you.
Loved the updates and seeing my hometown through your eyes. Maddy is gorgeous as always.
Great post, busy last few weeks for you two! I absolutely love the pictures of Maddy in the pink plaid/checked shirt, she is getting so big and I just love the shirt ( I have the plaid sickness as well).
Oh and I have voted as many times as I have email aliases for the cookie charity giveaway. Last time I checked the foundation was #5!
I swear that I have the same shoes that you’re wearing. And I wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking of all of you. Although not, as it may sound, in a creepy way. I’m too tired to be creepy.
I love reading about your adventures. Thank you so much for sharing! BTW…Maddy is getting more beautiful everyday!
I have been following your blog for a while but have never commented. Your courage and honesty always amazes me. Your story and words impact my life on a daily basis and encourage me to see the light and joy in my adventures as a parent. I am really happy that my little guy will be able to share the world with a cool chick like Maddy!
Holy cow, Matt! Maddy has gotten huge she’s all walkin and everything.
You travel so much how do you do it? You’re inspiring me to whip out the ol AMEX, pick a destination and say “Fuck it”. Me and Kobe so need a new scenery.
but i have to be tough for my girl.
Amen brother. I love to see how Maddy is changing and how you are changing with her. Glad you and the fam got to get away again this year. As always, you are doing a remarkable parenting job!
Really great post, Matt,,,,,,,,,,,,,and an even greater Daddy!!!!!!!
Wow. I need a nap now reading about the past few weeks! Your pictures from Canada are so beautiful.
I can’t believe Maddy is 17 months old. How did that happen? I’ve been reading your blog since shortly after she was born. You’ve done such an amazing job with her and with you. I know it’s not easier and I know it’s not what you wanted. But you’re doing an amazing job in spite of that crappy event in March of 2008.
I cried when you wrote about how she pointed to the picture and said,”Mama”. I’m so glad she knows who her Mama is because there are so many Dad’s that lose their spouse in the same manner you did and they choose to just shut that part out completely. You’re amazing and awesome and I can’t wait to hear about your trip to India!
@heather
yes.
i will continue to blog and post photos while in india.
Watching Maddie watch the fish at the aquarium was awesome, can only imagine what it was like in person. That look on her face just explains how kids allow us to endure.
I am not a fan of heights either!! I hate suspension bridges!! It really bugs me when people start to rock it back and forth just to get a rise out of the ones that don’t like it!
Awesome update as always!!! Loved the pictures!!!
the pink checkered shirt is a fucking riot. omg. i absolutely LOVE that shirt (and all of her outfits!). the running vids were wayyyyyy too adorable!
This was one of my favorite posts of yours. Maddy is finally starting to look more like you. She’s just gorgeous. And as a speech pathologist, I can honestly say that her language is GREAT. Keep up the good work.
So many darling photos of Maddy. The big thing now is “Can I have a 1/2 birthday party?” by my 9 year old. Really?! How’s “no”. Ha. I can feel your sadness and want to say how sorry I am about it all and u really r doing a great job as hard as it must be and how exhausting it all is….I can’t say I know how it feels…everyone’s suffering is so different but to say I’m with you.
I’m sure I’m one of many who want to offer my fun – my help – my home when you’re in India. We live in Chennai – so if you’re down this way while on your trip, please let me know!!
Really great post. Like another commenter, I laughed (especially at the vid of your technique for quieting the screams), smiled and got tears in my eyes, especially at the mention of Madeline saying, “mama.” You are doing a great job. I know it’s not easy and as you said, not getting any easier but you’re doing a great job.
By the way, I love the picture of Madeline in the gray jeans, with that confident little stance. She’s so precious. And for me, a really perfect picture of how awesome those little people are. There was a time that pictures like that made me remember what I’ve lost and never got to experience. But more and more now they’re a reminder of what is beautiful about life and what’s possible. Thanks for sharing all of your journey with your readers.
New tatoos?
I mean, taTToos?
Your pictures of Madeline are beautiful, as always. What a lucky girl to have seen so much of this world already at 17 months. The mention of her saying “mama” made my heart stop. Can’t wait for the book.
Whew! What an amazing Dad you are!
I don’t comment often (I think only once before), but just wanted to tell you that Jesus, that little girl of yours is beautiful.
great post. great dad. you are doing it! used to live in echo park myself and loved to eat at red lion and just enjoyed the heck the cheese sandwhich, as a vegetarian, that was my best bet! thank goodness for your family and friends as your support. i get it, as a single parent myself, it is hard but you must lean on the good people around you to help. hang in there. you are rocking it. and your sweet babe in arms helps. lots of support coming your way from NC.
i voted for yall!
have a good and safe trip!
OMG
2. Liz Logelin Foundation Minnetonka, MN 1589
http://www.ilovechristiecookies.com/contest/results.asp
Once again, an awesome post! As a mom to 24 week preemie twins, some days I have bad days & today was one of them, but then I read your blog & I see what a great job you are doing & doing it alone no less & it reminds me that my bad day, would probably be your best (I still have my husband). If you ever doubt if what your doing is making a difference, please know it is!! If you ever come to Nashville and need someone to show you around, look us up! I hope you have a great trip to india, looking forward to all your pics! We travel vicariously through you & Maddie!
faithful reader, fellow parent, first time commenter. matt, you are amazing. madeline is lucky, so lucky to have you as a dad. thanks for taking us along on this journey.
Can I hire you to come help with my 20 month old……My husband sucks…sigh…..Ok, maddie looks fabulous, you have been gaining some weight back so thats good. Canada looks amazing and majestic, wish I could go play there tooo. When do you leave and for how long and whos going with you?
Love the running video, she is full speed til she gets to the end, stops knowing she knows how to step down, thinks, then does it. Love the jelly fish picture, nice action shot. Glad to hear things are going good. Be Blessed and have a great trip to India
Moved up to 2nd place in the contest. Keep voting
Lots of hugs Matt!! Your doing a great job!
Always thinking of you two!
She is so beautiful….she really looks like her mom. I find myself smiling, laughing and throughly enjoying your trips, etc that you post about….I loved the pic of when you joined her in the tree trunk…..I felt the camera going to the sky to your shoulders….Thank you for sharing your life with your daughter, she has a great dad….
Happy 17th Month Birthday Maddy – your Daddy is doing an amazing job. It’s amazing how they get to like their schedule and how vacation/life revolves around nap time.
As always tough to read,……going go up and kiss my E, and be thankful I am with her and my husband.
I am in awe of you. The sheer beauty of your photos is amazing and, on top of that talent, you are a kick ass dad.
My daughter told me about your blog and now I faithfully read it and follow you on Twitter. I am a 45 year old grandmother who was a single mom all of my children’s life. They are now grown and two of the three have kids of their own. My heart is with you! You are very blessed and very brave. It is a tough road but one that is well worth it!! I look forward to your blog and pictures from India. God Bless!!!!
Gorgeous pics. So glad you had a good ‘getaway’. To this day I can NOT imagine how you do this Matt. Not only do you do it, but you do it well. I am in constant amazement. Maddy is beautiful and looks so much like Liz! You’re rocking the heck outta that beard dude! Can’t wait for the book or the next post. Hang in there…you’re doing a great job.
ooo Matt
make sure people know this about cookie contest
LIMIT: One (1) entry per legitimate e-mail address
Sounds like you two have been very, very busy. Cant believe she is 17 months old now. I have a 5 year old and a 15 month old. Time flies!
Come on Matt–you could have totally name-dropped with those people. “Me? On TV? Oh, you’re probably thinking of that time I was a guest on Rachel Ray…or another little show you may have heard of….Oprah?”
Looks like you had a wonderful time on your trip, and Maddy is beautiful as usual. I am so sorry this has to be so hard.
Dear Liz,
I am so so sorry you are missing this. I am sure yours would have been just like so many of ours and it is only without you that I see what it is.
Still.
I am so sorry.
You should
be here.
So glad to see a new post from you. Hopefully the trip to India goes a little smoother with Maddy.
Am I the only one that noticed the new tattoos? Or did I completely miss that blog?
You’ve been busy! Beautiful pictures, as usual. Happy 17 months, Maddy!
I’M waiting for drinks with Rachel & Derek! Glad you guys had fun! Amazing pics as always, great recap.
Love the striped Lobster dress! Kudos on that pick. Also the pics from the E. Hastings area are rad, especially “Stop Ticketing the Poor”
I think it was around this age (17 months or so) that having a baby around became not so easy. Naps are harder to come by…everything on their schedule and all. It’s not just your kid or your (former) selfishness. It’s the way of their people. Toddlers.
“Single Parent” is a misnomer for the widowed. It’s more like “double parent”. You are doing a great job…the best you can… What I like the most (and the one thing that I personally need to work on) is that you take time to be with your friends and go out and travel. Way to be an inspiration.
You are an amazing father!! So so inspired by you & your daughter! Thank you for sharing your adventures, honesty & heartache with us!!!
Who sings the song about mirrors behind the bar?? Just asking cause I fell in love with Iron & Wine from a previous post.
as hard as it is for you to hear…it is absolutely amazing she knows who her momma is…that’s the sweetest thing I have read . good for you for telling her and looks like your quest to keep Liz alive in Maddy is happening.
take care and be safe in your travels to INdia.
@stacy
the silver jews.
song is called, “inside the golden days of missing you” from the album, “the natural bridge”
I know what street you’re talking about….with those two places that you can’t forget.
(My family has known those two places as well.)
I stare and think about her everytime I pass it.
Maddie is such a gorgeous little girl. It is so amazing and awesome to see how much she looks like her mom (with small dashes of her dad, too). It’s great to look like your mom, especially when you’re mom’s a beautiful, wonderful soul.
jeez, i wasn’t prepared for the last part about this not getting any better. wish i had something to say to make things better but i guess that’s not how this works. watching the little cutie pie run is a crack up!
I love this post, awesome that she;s saying words more and more. Any chance we’ll get to see any videos of her talking?
Gorgeous! Maddie pics, she is so cute! You guys sure get around, I cannot wait to experience Inda through your lens.
Keep on keeping on.
I have been following your blog for some time now….glad to see you we in my stomping grounds (Vancouver!). I am a Maternity nurse… I love your story. Makes me do my job better!
She is such a wonderfully sweet and beautiful little girl, Matt. You’re doing a wonderful job with her. I can’t wait to read about India. That is going to be some trip. happy 17 months! and i will pray for you, for tomorrow. *Hugs*
my kids all love the aquarium… what IS it about that place??
I look to you as my “future self” so to hear you say it doesn’t get any easier is a little …hrumpf …scary for me. one day at a freaking time, right?
Is it wrong that this line is my favorite part to your post?
“pointing at madeline
still strapped to me chest”
I know it’s a silly typo but whenever I read/say something like that I imagine a tiny little Irish man with a pint of beer in his hand.
Anyhoo again, you prove that your life can be so full, yet feel so empty at the same time.
I am so excited to hear about your travels in India. Will you be staying in one or two main spots there or going all over the place? And any side trips to ohhhhh saaaay… Germany in the works???? We may not have cows or elephants wandering the streets, but we do have wild boars!
Great Post!!
I am so sorry for your heart ache bc you are with out Liz~
Every year you think it will get easier and it turns out it is getting a bit harder at times!!
Your a great father and I love reading about how Maddy is growing and how amazing you two are!!
Enjoy India, from reading your blog and seeing your pics I am pretty sure that you Love That Place!!
Now Maddy will too
Oh….
PS….
I voted for Liz Logelin Foundation!!!
*But of course I did
Checked out the photos from last year in comparison to this year; Maddy is such a big girl! You’re brave for her in so many ways. Huh, as I write this I just received a call that my grandmother passed after a long illness; sucks. Keep your chin up friend, see you in Sept.
whoa! heartfelt blog. i wish there was something i could write that would make you feel better, but i know theres not really. i hope your india trip is wonderful. when you feel sad just hold that precisious little girl.
PLEASE tell us what the tattoos say!
If you are ever in Knoxville, TN (doubtful), it would be rad to meet you and Maddy! My daughter (born 3/10/08) and Maddy could play!
Thank you for always writing with such honesty.
Have a great and safe time in India!!!
Oh, she is beautiful. I especially love the black with pink polka dots. I haven’t commented in quite a long time, but I have a new respect for you, now that my own baby girl is nearly seven months old. There are many days when it’s challenging enough with two of us… so I have a new and greater respect for you and other parents who are doing things alone! Thanks for sharing your struggles and joys with all of us!
First of all, when I went to vote this morning, the foundation was #1 !!!!! Keep voting to keep it up top!!
Ok, I loved the update, you’ve been so, so busy! And I was doing ok until Maddy said “mama” and I lost it. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
I just went to the cookie contest site: #1!
Hey Matt,
You crack me up about putting food on her head for the seagulls. You are an amazing father. Can’t wait to see your pics from India.
I’m a mom and I can’t imagine my kids having to live without me. I cried for quite a while the first day that I read your blog and I’m crying now. It was the part where she looked at the picture and said Mama. I am so sorry for what life has given you and Maddie, but you are a wonderful Daddy and a great role model for people who are going through this also. Thanks for being you.
Great post Matt…as always…laughs and tears. The part about Maddy pointing at Liz’s photo and saying Mama caused a lump in my throat the size of a watermelon. You should wake up each and every morning and be so proud of yourself for the job you are doing raising your beautiful little Maddy.
Your words are so painful to read sometimes, you’ve made me realize how blessed I am since I’ve started reading your blog way back when.
Oh and the cookie contest is so in the bag!
We can do it!
1. Liz Logelin Foundation Minnetonka, MN 2055
I know I mentioned it before, but my 13 month old and I are in Bombay while my husband is in Iraq. If you stop in this part of the subcontinent, we’d love to meet up!
My Liam is getting his Molars now too. He’s 16 months…must be the tim e
I enjoy reading your blog. I’m new to blogging and heard about your from my friend Tracey who works with your parents. (in MN). Hopefully I’ll get a chance to see you at the walk on the 19th! I plan to be there. 
LLF is now in the number one spot!! That totally rocks. If anyone hasn’t logged on, now is the time to keep it going.
You know what I wanna see in the next stage of dressing her like yourself?
A wee fake blonde beard for her!
Wow, Matt – you definitely know how to keep busy! Maddy is looking so grown up (and definitely like her beautiful Mom).
As always, I hope your upcoming journeys continue to be chronicled here – you really have a unique voice and perspective and it is really a gift to all us that you choose to share it here with such honesty.
PS: Check out Cataldo’s album “Signal Flare” if you haven’t already done so. It’s good.
So much in this post, I don’t know where to begin commenting.
You’re doing okay, Matt. No, it’s not getting easier. But you’re not crumbling. You’re doing what you need to do to survive the tough milestones. You’re surrounding yourself with caring people. And you’re doing an awesome job with Maddy. Liz would be so proud.
Man! The airport thing! I’m anticipating possible issues like that, too. After my daughter (WOW!) arrives, I plan on having the dr that got me pregnant write me a letter spelling things out and have it notarized.
Looking forward to stories and photos from India! Seriously cool!
You’re number one in that contest now!!
Liz Logelin Foundation is WINNING!!!
Matt, long time reader, small time poster here. Have you ever heard that song Daughter by Loudon Wainwright? (Plays at the credits of the movie Knocked Up) I always think of you and Maddie when I hear it. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us. I hope you have a wonderful trip to India. Be blessed!
Just checked the cookie site (at 10:15am, CST, Tuesday) and The LLF is #1!
Maddy’s beautiful smile makes me smile.
Thank you, as always, for sharing with us all.
I’ve been reading for a while now and I have to say that Maddie has a little admirer. My son, Peter, is 14 months old and gets so excited to see her pictures and videos on the screen. He talks to her and tried to kiss her. You better watch out when she gets older
I love reading about your adventures with Maddy! You guys always seem to take some awesome trips. I’m sure that everything is fun as long as you are doing it together. You are an amazing dad and Maddy is an amazing little girl. You are both so lucky to have each other. Things will get easier and better. It will take time but they will.
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you see Liz’s Foundation is in #1
You are such an awesome Dad, and Maddy is adorable. She looks so much like her Mom. I really can’t wait for your book.
great post, matt. glad you enjoyed vancouver. you stayed right around the corner from where i live (noticed in one of your pics). hope you and your little sweetie are well.
Thanks for the recap! Love, love all of the pictures of Maddy! The picture everyone thinks she looks like Liz, is gorgeous. Tell us about your new tat’s… did I miss that post?! because I check daily to see if there’s a new post. What do the new tats say? I’m so happy Maddy knows who her Mama is… that says a lot! Keep doing what you’re doing…you’re awesome! Sending you and Maddy hugs XX
Number one on the cookie site!! – can we vote more than once? Thanks for the update!!
your pictures from vancouver are awesome.
i have always been terrified of the capilano suspension bridge
(i assume its capilano because thats the only one i know of)
so you are VERY brave for going on it with a fear of heights.
and the pictures of maddy at the aquarium are adorable.
Love the minnie-Matt outfit.
Beautiful Post Mat! As usual, you are doing such an awesome job with her. She is such a happy child! Beautiful too!
Well, I did good until I read the part about “mama.”
Awesome post, once again. Can’t wait for your book.
Just thinking of you and Madeline today.
anyone other than you, and i would never read a fucking blog post this long. but with you, i can’t stop reading every word you write.. no matter how weird you space the shit.
i just want to thank you for writing and taking pictures and sharing. i’m not sure what it does for me, other than make me feel for you… feel with you… and i hate saying that i enjoy reading, cause i don’t enjoy reading about your pain.. but maybe it’s just the empathy- hell, i don’t know. but i do know that i’m thankful that you do write. and i think as long as you choose to share, you’ll have an audience willing to go through it all with you.
You have an open offer for some drinking buddies if you make it to Portland.
Your daughter is beautiful and clearly so happy and loved. You should feel proud of yourself for that.
It’s weird. I read about people being questioned for traveling alone with kids but it never happened to me. Of course, I shoved the death certificate out with the passport and perhaps that stopped the questions before they could be asked.
Once we started traveling with my boyfriend (now husband) the assumption was that he was her father. I think that probably bothered me more than the possibility of having to explain that her dad was dead. Interesting.
Beautiful photos.
i love that lobster dress!
You guys have been busy!!
BTW, you are from TV, you’ve been on Rachael Ray and Oprah, you have celebrity status.
hi matt. i’m taking my 6 month old on her first flight in a couple weeks…i hope i sit near a green marker lady! your adventures with maddie give me lots of courage. thank you.
As always… lovely photos…. thanks for sharing your latest.
We’re new to the blog (my T-hub & I) but it has already been the basis of many conversations in la Maison M-J here in France…and we’ve stayed up til the wee hours just going back and back and back….we love the photos and your frank and honest approach to raising Madeline. I’ve also sent an e-mail with our donation, to the foundation, for your gala in September. I hope our City of Light (Paris) gift will help put a little light in the good you are trying to do. Bonne Chance on the voyage to India…may you find a piece of peace for you and Madeline.
That is one styling kid! I love her outfits, and she looks like such a big girl in the button-up shirts and jeans. The video of her running across the bridge tickled me, too. I love that she goes full-speed, then very carefully and delicately steps off the end. So sweet!
Hi Matt.
I’ve been a reader for a LONG while now, but I don’t think I have never posted a comment.
I just wanted to say how awesome you are with Madeline, and that I love getting updates! Videos are my favourite!
I LOVED that pink shirt you put her in.
She looks so much like Liz. And it’s neat to here that she is learning new things all the time.
Good luck writing.
Can’t wait for the next post!
-Natalie
wow….you are busy…..
and you’re right: this shit won’t get easier…..
i am sorry!
what are you doing in india?
have a good (and less busy) week with your very gorgeous girl!
p.s.: if you ever come to germany (or need a place to stay), you are very welcome here:)
thanks for catching us up
She looks so much like her Mama!
It’s so hard to believe that vibrant, gorgeous girl in those beautiful pictures is no longer here. Maddy looks just like her. And I’m so incredibly sorry that you are on this journey without her.
Hi Matt,
Maddie looks so grown up…She is such a beautiful little girl. I have a son around the same age as her, it’s so much fun watching them grow and learning new words. Treasure each moment.
Keep posting, love the photos.
Do you two EVER sit down?!? What an adventurous life that beautiful little 17-month-old is leading! She’s more and more gorgeous with every post.
Awesome words and photos. Continued prayers coming your way.
Hey glad to hear you guys liked my city! Vancouver’s beautiful, isn’t it? Sorry about the car…….
Thanks for the update and the great pictures and videos. I started reading this post as I was getting ready for work this afternoon…and was almost late! I had to stop part way through and read some more on my dinner break…and STILL had to come back when I got home to finish it! Loved it though. And I voted for the Liz Logelin Foundation in the cookie contest and posted about it on my Facebook page, so hopefully my friends will vote too. Let’s keep the LLF in first place! Wish I lived closer to MN because I’m sure those events are going to be great…and I’m sure you will post many pictures for those of us who will miss it. Looking forward to that. Take care.
Seriously Matt, you fucking continue to amaze me!!!
I laugh, cry, and smile throughout your posts. I look every morning for a new post….if not a new post ~ new pics of Maddy.
Hugs and love to you and Maddy=]
Matt, that sucks that you can’t leave the country with your baby girl without being treated like a perv. I think it’s wrong, wrong, wrong!
WOO HOO! Just checked the “cookies vote website” and LLF is in first place! Go LLF! You should be proud of yourself for the great job you are doing with Maddie (SOOOO CUTE!) and the wonderful way you have created to continue to bring good things to the world in Liz’s memory through LLF.
PS any plans to come to the Chicago area?
The photo of her dressed like you takes the cake. Simply adorable. She is really growing up. And looking more and more like her Mommy every day. Beautiful.
I was just thinking, with the photos of Liz you posted today, that Maddy is starting to look a lot like Liz. Your photo of her in the pink shirt “like yours” made me cry, just because every little thing you do for Maddy has a thought of what Liz would do or what Liz would say behind it. Liz was beautiful, and Maddy is too. Thanks for the photos and videos, I really like seeing photos of Liz too. Also, prepare yourself for the day she says Fuck, cuz it will happen!!!
Yep, its not going to get any easier. That makes the two of us. What can I say? Just hang in there…
I think of you and Liz and Maddy every day. You are winning on the cookie site and I think that is awesome!
You had me laughing and crying here. Again, of course. Thanks for the reminder I could always use: to be a little less selfish.
Matt, it was such a pleasure to meet you. Next time I hope to meet Matty too! I hope this finds you two doing well. I think of you and your little blondie very often and send well wishes…
Looks like a nice trip to Vancouver. I haven’t gotten an opportunity to explore that city (just briefly after a cruise)–but it looks lovely! You guys sure stay busy—and she sure is getting big, fast!
There are bloggers that I read quietly, content to sulk in the shadows, basking in the blue glow of big truths crammed into small spaces. You have been top ranks in that category for some time now, for as long as its been (I don’t know) since I stumbled across you. And I likely would have left it as such, content to sift through the gritty bits of heartache and happiness here, in the quiet moments between Nap Time and Bedtime, except suddenly, today, I was overwhelmed with the urge to say, if you ever come to New Hampshire, I would awkwardly dig meeting you. Also, I think you might need to meet my neighbor:
http://web.me.com/amymalia/foe_toes/new_hampshire.html#106
Her name is Annie Ruth.
1. Canadian – Chinese Foods ?
2. She is turning into an amazing little lady.
3. Voted for the foundation, 3 times.
Loved this post. Bittersweet points, but I am getting a sense of peace from your writing I’ve never felt..(if that makes sense..) Loved the “daddy” shirt, the pink is very cool. And the clip of her running across the bridge..priceless!
I hope you two have a wonderful trip to India, I am sure there will be some amazing pictures!
First of all, I love that photo of Liz on the pile of sticks/rocks in Canada…. so cute and so Maddie! I can’t believe how much they look like each other.
You are simply amazing. I love reading your blog, love seeing your heart, love your little girl, and love how much you love Liz. Maddie sure is a lucky little girl to have a daddy like you. Keep doing what your doing, and keep the memories close.
BTW, we love the Long Beach Aquarium!
Dude, which part of India are you visiting?
Hey, It’s the nicest woman in the world… from the plane. She was a doll and it was my pleasure, and I think I wear green marker quite well. -Sarah
Love the mini cowgirl shirt. Maybe you should bring Maddy to the Calgary Stampede next summer and then you can dress her up everyday? (And I can show you around because I work for them.)
What a great update.
That “mama” part had me instantly in tears. I’ll bet ‘mama’ is very proud of you and how well you’re doing with Maddy. BTW…I’m using a picture of Maddy as an example of how I want my daughter’s (22 months) hair cut 
I wish there wasn’t our families weren’t a world apart…Aayla would love to play with Maddy. She always points at her and says “maddy” when we read here. Maybe next time you’re in Vancouver we’ll make the trip for a playdate
I think the part in this post about Madeline pointing to the picture literally stole my breath for a moment. After regaining composure, the thought was this:
You are doing a wonderful job as a father, and even though not by choice, as a mother to your best girl. What makes it even more apparent is that your daughter knows who her mother is, that you are strong enough to share that with her despite the hurt.
Just sitting here in awe of your strength.
Ehhh, I’m thinking don’t ever let decorum get in the way of a great seagull shot
) Next time around I say put the french fry on that sweet little sleepy head and see what happens.
You are a great photographer! What camera do you use??
holy shit my finger hurts from scrolling.
I’ve been meaning to ask you since the guy who sat next to you on the airplane story.. at what point were you able to just reply “dead” when someone asks you about Liz? From the beginning?
That rigmarole at Canadian customs needs addressing — it’s blatant sexism of the most unpleasant kind.
Amazing to think you could have been travelling with a woman, any woman, and they wouldn’t have singled you out.
What is this? 1936, where men don’t look after and travel with their children? Or 2009, where men and women are equal in the eyes of the law and as parents?
Crikey. The world makes you want to scream sometimes.