i wish i were
smart enough
to communicate
in abstractions, but
this
is the only way
i know.
17 months ago.
we woke up
in a room
that wasn’t ours,
not knowing
what the day
would bring.
the hours went
by, me not
appreciating the moments.
maybe.
but how could
we not know?
it was there,
there as i
shopped for the
stuff we thought we
were lacking,
while you
imagined yourself
with her,
and while i
listened to that
album.
but i wasn’t really
listening to it.
months later
it would hit
me hard…
there’s that song,
the song that
forever will remind me,
forever etched here and
here and here
and here.
they weren’t
enough, those moments.
but forever wouldn’t
have been enough,
so why?
why write it out?
because she doesn’t
know yet,
and because she
has to know it.
but will this
be enough,
all of this?
never.
but it’s
the best i can
manage,
here in this
place without
you.
the reality of
this
seems abstract
enough.
137 Comments
Hang on there Matt you’re doing a great job!
i send love from mn.
Hugs…
Share all of the songs, all of the moments, all of the memories with Maddie. Make a new forever.
When you write it’s always riveting. I cherish my family more every day. My husband comes from three generations of widowed young parents. Three in a row! We’ve never taken the gift of each other or the chance to enjoy life together or with our kids for granted. I wish more people understood that when they rush about their busy days, but at the same time innocence is such bliss. Such naive bliss. Even Solomon said the more knowledge, the more sorrow. You and Maddie are often in my thoughts!
sending love from australia. remembering with you today matt. anniversaries are hard, they just are. i just cleared a year after the birth/death of my daughter.
xo
It leaves me slightly breathless to read this. You are a gift to your wife… and to your daughter. Liz would be so proud, so spellbound, so in awe.
You don’t just “love” Liz, you are actively “loving” her. That has always stood out to me, that even though she is no longer here you are LOVING her. Your life with Madeline is beautiful beyond words and as much as I ache for you both because of Liz’s absence (and in a different way I ache for Liz and all she is missing) I am profoundly touched by the amazing life you are giving Madeline and how you completely adore her. You are an amazing father AND husband, I know that might seem an odd thing to say and I hope it’s not the completely WRONG thing to say, but it’s how I feel. I know with complete certainty, without ever having met Liz that she would be blown away and more in love than ever, seeing the father you have become. She would be touched beyond words how you have taken a tragedy, that is beyond comprehension and created something positive and healing, not just for you and Madeline but for so many others. Your story captivated me when I first read it in People Magazine and I can’t help but hope to one day find myself reading Madeline’s Blog, I just can’t imagine not knowing how this all turns out
Leaving a trail of breadcrumbs (so to speak) for the next generation to know the one before, or know the one before that is so many things: sad, obligatory (for some), joyful, frustrating, heavy….doing it leaves me with a never-to-be-fulfilled yearning…the yearning for my children to know my father who died when i was five. Whatever you or i do to keep those who have gone present, in the lives of our children, has to be enough. Even when we know it isn’t enough or the way life should be. But the way life should be isn’t possible for some….You should have grown old with Liz, Madeline should have grown up with both of you. Just as i should have grown up with my dad and he should have been able to love and adore his grandaughters…bore and inspire them with the stories of his boyhood. The yearning can make leaving ‘breadcrumbs’ behind seem really pissy…But in some not-good-enough way my children have been raised with my father in their lives…his culture and life has inhabited my daughters; not in all the ways i want but in ways that keeps him close to us all. My wish to Madeline is that she feels the connection to Liz despite Liz’a physical absence. You’re doing more than alright Matt; you’re doing brilliant!
you are amazing. and madeline is blessed to have you as her father. it takes a special person to be as strong and as honest as you are.
You are doing such a wonderful job dealing with this Matt I can’t tell you how much strength I get being a single parent knowing how much you have to survive everyday…
There are things I have been fully present for in Miles’ life which I would have missed in my naivete and ignorance were it not for you sharing this for Maddie, were it not for you sharing it with us. I am not ‘that guy’ who thinks that there is a reason she was taken so cruelly – I cannot comprehend such an ideology – but I do marvel at the bounty of good you have managed to nurture from your loss. Don’t be modest, either; I know the team around you is solid and strong and that you have never been alone, but the reason this all IS is YOU, Matt Logelin. For that… I can only be as profoundly grateful as I will always be profoundly saddened and changed by the story of your family. I have to believe the gratitude – and the bounty – count for something. It’s what legacies are made of, if there ever are such things. And what a gift, what a rich and glorious gift of identity, strength, vulnerability and love you are working to give your daughter.
You’re a good egg.
With love,
Kristen, Chris & Miles
Sometimes one doesn’t have to cloud things with too mandy words and thoughts to get the point across – that is just one of the many gifts you are setting as a legacy for Liz and for sweet M as well.
xoxoxo from CT.
You are priceless, Matt……………….
much love.
The thought of Liz never knowing Maddy is heartbreaking. She had so many hopes and dreams for her little daughter. Maddy will know the love Liz had for her, thanks to you.
My heart breaks with your pain, for you, Liz and Maddy. I hope by reading your words and sharing your pain we can all hopefully lessen it in some way.
Keep on Keeping on
She will know the beautiful woman she was. She will see and the love you have for her. She will know how loved she was. She will know, because you will tell her. Don’t hold anything back, because she needs to know.
It’s all just so not fair.
matt~life’s suckage really sucks~but you have a wonderful gift that will carry you through your grief ~~my dead husband #2 got me a kitten when he knew he wouldn’t be here much longer~and many days that kitten has gotten me through~~i am so glad you have maddie~~and i am so proud of the growth i have watched you achieve since that horrid day in march~~you have created a wonderful child who has grace, beauty and style~i know liz is fucking amazed at your ability to dress maddie so fashionable ~there will always be days where the grief of missing liz is almost more than you can bear~but you have maddie to pull you through~~when are you going to reveal your new tattoos?
Your words are just beautiful.
And your daughter WILL know exactly how much her father loved (loves) her mother.
What a great gift you are giving her.
Matt, you say, “the hours went by, me not appreciating the moments.”
But these memories you share prove that you did appreciate all the moments, every single seemingly-insignificant one of them. Most of us take those of moments for granted, and never think twice about them, but you’ve held onto those moments…you did appreciate them…
A reminder of the moments we don’t even realize will be/could be important to us later. Life is so fleeting, but yet we don’t always have the “time” to capture those moments. I think you will hold her memory for your daughter and she will live for her. Thinking of you.
Matt ~ Madeline will forever thank you for being her dad, and for giving her the chance to know her mother through you and through your words. Not all of us are so lucky ~ I was older when my mom died (almost 3) and have not a single memory of her. I can count the pictures I have of her on my fingers and the stories my family has told about her? Not one. Not one single story. I admire your strength and your courage and I just want you to know what a great gift you are giving Madeline ~
xoxo
Matt ~ Madeline will forever thank you for being her dad, and for giving her the chance to know her mother through you and through your words. Not all of us are so lucky ~ I was older when my mom died (almost 3) and have not a single memory of her. I can count the pictures I have of her on my fingers and the stories my family has told about her? Not one. Not one single story. I admire your strength and your courage and I just want you to know what a great gift you are giving Madeline ~
xoxo
You could print out all your posts and put them in a massive book. One day Maddie can sit and read them all. I agree with Linsey, Liz would be in awe.
I have never posted before, but this post has brought tears to my eyes. You are a wonderful father and Liz would be so proud of you for making sure that her memory continues. After suddenly losing my father i have realized that i took many moments with him for granted. You are often in my thoughts and prayers.
“while you imagined yourself with her” ….. just heartbreaking words.
So many people are sending you love from around the world, but sadly we know it’s just not the one you wish you could still have.
There are just no words… but you seem to be able to capture it. Maddy will one day cry as she reads these posts as so many of us do, but will be forever grateful for you for capturing every moment – no matter how painful.
Sending you both lots of good wishes and strength today, and every day.
words escape me, but i feel the need to say something…anything. i couldn’t breathe as i read that…..your pain is so palpable. i hope getting it written down helps in some way. it just sucks…..really, really sucks – a really big fat one.
I think this will definitely be more than enough. To show how much you love her, and how much you love(d) her mother. I was thinking about the 2 of you all day. You’re doing the best you can. And that’s enough. Maddie’s so blessed to have you as a dad, and she doesn’t even know it yet. But she will. *hugs and good thoughts sent your way today*
I never post here, I gots nothin’ to say/add/offer. Just felt like I couldn’t NOT post today.
Matt, I can’t imagine what this has been like for you. Your such an amazing daddy to Maddie and an amazing husband to Liz. Sharing your story has shown all of us how quickly things can change, how in the blink of an eye your life can turn upside down.I can only hope that parents (both moms and dads) that read your blog, truly appreciate what they have. Hang in there, you are truly amazing.
i know.
Abstractions are misleading, you are straight and honest. You are giving such a beautiful gift to your daughter; the chance to know her mother, and not just know her in a simple way, but through the love that you had for her, the love you had for each other and for Madeline.
It must suck on these days to think back. I know that there will be days even 10 years later that I relive the week before my father passed. I go over the night of his surgery when he told me to not change my plans and go out with my friends and then how work was important and I should be responsible to a few short days later he was gone. I hate thinking that he wasn’t there to walk me down the aisle, he will never know my husband or my sons and my six year old is so like him it’s crazy. I make sure that I talk about him to my kids, share the insane sense of humor that I got from him with them.
You are doing so much more for Madeline, she will be so impressed with her Daddy as the rest of your readers already are.
Maddie will cherish everything you are doing. I’m guessing that Liz would be proud of how you’re managing and what you’re getting done for your daughter. Beautiful and heartfelt poetry…Liz made a smart move when she picked you up in that gas station.
Your blog is a very intimate and emotional expression of your love for Liz, Madeline and the life you had (thought you would have). If the “enough” in this situation is providing Madeline with a tangible awareness and understanding of this love, the money is already in the bank.
(((HUGS))))
Sending you love and hugs!!
Hang in there~
You are doing a wonderful job!
If Liz could see you, she would be so proud of you!
When Maddy gets old enough to realize how awesome of a dad she has, and she will be so proud too!!
I know this doesn’t make it any easier…
I’m sorry
But “WE” (Stranger Friends) are so proud of you!
You are amazing!!
oh and one more thing…
your writing touches all of us!
it’s beautiful the way you put your heart into words.
Thinking of you, You are Maddie’s rock and her world. Keep going Matt. You are doing a wonderful job !
Maddy is going to really appreciate all that you can give her of her mom some day. Keep on trucking Matt..
Forever is never enough time.
Matt, I hate it when you hurt. I feel so helpless and want to make you better, but none of us can do that. You’re doing awesome and you truly are such a gift to Maddy, as she is to you. Liz is so proud of you. We all are.
Keep on keeping on. One day at a time, one minute at a time, if you need it. Hugs and prayers for strength.
There are tears in my eyes as I read your words. You write beautiful words for a painful existance. I feel for you. Hang in there though, you are doing such a great job of raising your daughter. Liz would be so proud of you.
thinking of you today….
and the foundation is NUMBER ONE in the contest! that is awesome!
You are doing such a wonderful job, it amazes me when I see what all you are doing to keep your wife’s memories alive for your daughter.
Your wife would be so so proud of you, and so will your daughter when she grows up and reads your blog.
You and your most beautiful Maddie are often in my thoughts, though I have never commented here before.
Rashmi.
Matt,
I just want you to know that as a parent of a young girl (just two months older than Maddie), I am so in awe of the amazing things you are providing to her. You are giving her opportunities and experiences that she will cherish forever. Thank you for letting us into your lives, and watching your beautiful little baby grow into an amazing little girl.
My comment vanished.
I just wanted to say how much I am amazed about what all you do to keep your wife’s memories alive your daughter.
You and the sweet beautiful Maddie are always in my thoughts, though I never commented here before.
Your wife would be so so proud of you, and your daughter too when she grows up and reads your blog.
Rashmi.
=(.. I wish there was something I could do/say to ease the pain. I’m not sure if you believe in God at all, but He promises to make things better, reunite us with lost loved ones. It’s hard to believe in anything after having such a great loss, but sometimes having something to cling to gives us hope, and comfort. Anyway, it’s a beautiful thought that one day you will be together again. Big hugs, Matt.
You are doing an amazing thing. You are living life and raising your daughter and keeping the memory of liz alive. That is all you can do and you are doing it.
So sorry for what u r going through. I remember sitting in a courtyard of a large hospital being consoled by friends after my daughter was diagnosed with cancer at age 4. I, of course, a sobbing mess…and really just thinking, “so this is it, huh, what it all has come to.” And then, at the bottom, things did eventually get better, Abby got better, I got better, some won the fight, many did not. We are all forever changed by our experiences but we can never forget those lost and loved so dearly. Maddie will remember through your dear words, thoughts and photos of Liz and that will be quite enough.
Your greatest gift to Maddie has been your expression of love for Liz. What a blessing for a woman to be loved so much…so deep….so heartfelt by a man. Most women only dream of this type of love, and never get to truly experience it.
Through your journal, Maddie will know THIS is the only type of love that should be acceptable to her when the time comes in her life to commit to a life-long partner.
Thank you for your honesty….thank you for opening your heart….thank you for sharing Maddie with us. Thank you.
Reading this and Eddie Vedder’s song is playing in the background (the one where Lauren made that video for you in NYC)…just a coincidence. But I’m struck by how Maddy will look back some day, and fully realize, how hard these few years must have been for you. And she will know how you picked up the pieces for HER. How you kept going, taking her on trips, telling her about Mommy. No, it doesn’t replace a mother, but she is lucky to have a father as great as you.
Sometimes, we’re just dealt a shitty hand, but you…you are rising above it.
She will know.
You are writing her history and her future at the same time.
Maddy is the result of a whole lot of love … and she will know.
She will.
Big hugs and smiles for you today.
Keep writing.
Loving.
Remembering.
Crying.
Listening.
Hearing.
Living.
Maddy will one day love you all the more for it.
there are no words except,
i am so sorry.
you are an amazing daddy
to your baby girl.
she will cherish all of this one day.
hugs to both of you.
UGH…it’s just so sad.
Your blog is amazing though. M will love it when she’s old enough. She’ll cherish it.
so real & so raw is this life we live it. & more than yesterday today might suck because the feelings of yesterday are so real & reality kicks our ass time & again… Thanks for keepin it real! and thanks for fucking making me cry!
The love you have for your family is like no other.
This is not how I planned on starting my morning. Cold coffee and tears that I can’t stop from coming.
Hang in there. You are doing more than great.
The Big Love has a way of transferring. It gets passed on. Madeline will be able to understand The Big Love, because of you. You’re incredible – keep going.
“…but forever wouldn’t have been long enough.” That really hit me. While you did not have long enough at all (at all, at all), those words rang true to me. With a love like the love you shared, forever wouldn’t have been long enough. That speaks volumes, and I find it heartbreaking and comforting all at once. Maddy might not know her story, but when she does she’ll know it through this love. Shitty story. And I don’t know at all, and won’t pretend I do, but that’s maybe the best possible way to learn it.
Chin UP!
Matt,
You inspire me to be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, & stranger. I thank you for sharing your good & bad moments with us. You & Madeline are always in my thoughts & prayers.
You are giving Maddie such a wonderful gift. She will know your love for her mother and the love her mother had for her.I think that through your writing and your commitment Maddie will know Liz. I am always in awe at how dedicated you are to your daughter and your wife. There aren’t many men who could do what you are doing. You are one hell of a dad!
Eeeek. That song isn’t on the CD is it? Sorry if it is.
Maddy will love the raw emotion of your blog when she gets older. It will help her see you as a real person as well as just her dad. It took me years to see that in my own dad & when I finally did, it gave him so many more levels of character in my mind that I wish I had seen sooner.
You have an incredible way of expressing yourself, Matt. As I read it, I cry because it is so beautiful. My heart goes to you as you go through the tough moments in your life.
Wow. Thinking of you and Maddy. And Wow. :tears:
Everything you are doing will be enough for Maddy. She will see how you took on the role of mom & dad, as a lot of us have to do, regardless of our certain circumstances. No one can take the place of having her mother in her life, but this is the next best thing. She will have all of these memories of her mom through your writing.
I have a personal question. Do you think you would have been this hands on with Maddy if Liz was here? We all step up to the plate to do what we need to. Obviously this was not the life you envisioned. I know with me I never thought I would have to teach a boy to stand up to potty or have the sex talk with him. Always figured his dad would- but I have to be both mom & dad and handle things that I never thought I would. I always chuckled when I would read your post with people saying things like “I don’t know how you do it”. I STILL get that and my child is 13 years old. I just think to myself- “what other option is there”… people don’t seem to get that we did not choose the life we have- sometimes God has other plans for us than what we thought we would have and we resolve and conform to that new life and do what needs to be done.
I am so excited about your book and can not wait to read it. I have to tell you- I often come to your blog for inspiration – both for realizing that there are wonderful men out there and for encouragement- that we all do the best we can with the hand that is dealt to us.
Hope you & Maddy have a great weekend !!
Very hard to read that.
We must appreciate what we have, here & now.
Matt you are awesome! Your writing is amazingly beautiful…the words.. they just touch my heart. I lost my dad when I was 13 and reading about the love you have for Liz is so heartbreaking, because my mom was forever in love with my dad after he passed until the day she passed in 2004. True love lives forever and never dies. You have done an outstanding job with Maddy and continue to do so for the rest of her life… for her, for you, and definitely for Liz. Liz would be so proud of the father you are and she would definitely be more in love with you. All the things that should’ve…but you’re still making new memories with Maddy and giving her a full life of many adventures. Keep doing what you’re doing and enjoy every minute of every day!!!! Sending you XX
“Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day”~Author Unknown~
You always write so achingly… it makes me hurt to think of the life you live… the sadness mixed in with the happiness… As someone up top said, you are a wonderful father and husband and Liz would be in awe of the father side of you. I almost cry sometimes to think that poor Maddie will never know Liz… how can a girl grow up without a mother? But I think Maddie will know Liz as much as she can know her through you, your words, your memories. You Matt Logelin are a great person.
I think the things you say here make us not only appreciate the value and importance of life, of our loved ones, of savoring the days we have left, but also have made people who’ve never met Liz see how incredible she was, and that should underline to Madeline that her mother was truly special.
It’s not what you planned and not what you dreamed. It isn’t fair and you and Maddy didn’t deserve it and Liz didn’t either. Not one bit. But, you will teach Maddy everything she needs and wants to learn. You have done an amazing job. You will be enough for Maddy.
Your writing does touch each of us… all of us…
Thanks for sharing your heart.
And as Kelly said above… make a new forever with Maddie.
You may not think so but your strength amazes me (and everyone else that knows you and/or reads your blog). You are one of thee strongest men, I know. Everytime I read your posts, you make me put my life into perspective and I’m grateful for that. Sometimes people need reminders of how good they have it. Know that you have it VERY GOOD…a loving daughter who loves her daddy and you will someday realize what an inspiration you are to her. She is SO lucky to have you as a father. As you are SO lucky to have her as a daughter. And double lucky to have Liz as your wife.
Crazy how someone I don’t even know can have an impact on how I view my life.
Thank you for all you do, Matt.
Hugs, April
I was wondering if you know where Maddy’s black & white dress with the red crawfish on the front came from? She was wearing it in pictures posted from your last blog post. It is so adorable.
It is always heart breaking and touching to read your words. So much love. It is an amazing testament to Liz, your marriage, your love, and your daughter.
Just remember love is not measured by how much or how long you grieve. Everyone does so at his own pace, but eventually it IS ok for grieving to merge into living (and loving) again.
Liz would want you to remember her. Liz would also want you to be happy.
The fact that Maddy calls Liz’s picture “mama” is proof that you’re doing a great job raising her in a home where she is eternally loved by BOTH her parents. She will never have to wonder about her mother’s love for her. Because of you.
Your entries never cease to amaze me. They make me stop and appreciate what I have. I’m so sorry that your loss has to be a lesson and a reminder to us… people who care, but who don’t even know you.
You and Maddy are in my thoughts and prayers always.
Big hug. If we could make it hurt less, we would. We’re here to listen as long as you’re willing to write. And I think you’re an amazing father to Maddie. She deserves to have Liz too of course, but you’re more than enough. Don’t ever doubt that.
Everytime I read your posts, no matter what you say, I always have this huge lump in my throat. I want to cry for you and for Madeline. You both lost a huge part of your lives, but maddy is so lucky to have you as a father. You know just how to touch people’s lives and hearts and you are doing it every moment of every day for Maddy. Liz would fall in love over and over if she could read this. Just know that people all over the world look to you for comfort and love. A lot of us haven’t ever met you, but we all seem to know you so well and care deeply for you and Maddy. Take care!
thinking of you in New Hampshire! Just keep hugging that little girl…you’re doing a great job and I’m sure you’ll feel Liz hugging you back through your precious little angel that she left with you here on earth.
It leaves me breathless. Sending love from the TX. All that you have written and shared is such a gift for Maddy.
I imagine writing the book is bringing so many feelings and memories to the surface and you are reliving them all over again. Both the good and the bad.
Everything you are doing is worth it because it will ensure Maddy knows her mom in the future. You are such a rock star right now — writing a book, working full time and being a single parent. Keep up the great job.
Beautiful. In that sad-wish-I-could-change-everything-for-you kind of way. Thank you for putting into words things no one can comprehend.
Thinking of you Matt…my daughter turns 1 on Friday and when I was in labor last year, anticipating seeing her soon, it was just so precious to me, and every moment since has been even more so. Every time I read your blog and think of Liz barely getting a moment with Maddy after birth, my heart breaks for her, you, and Maddy. But you are an amazing Dad, whose love for Liz shines through your darkest hours. And that is the best thing Maddy will ever know…your love for her and your love for Liz. And that will be more than enough. Hang in there.
You may think that *this* isn’t enough, and you’re right, it never will be. That said, this is going to take great strides in helping her to understand the things that no child should ever have to understand. She will have a look into her father’s life that I don’t think any other child has probably ever had. I really think it will help her to figure out so many things about who she is, which is an issue that any child has to answer that becomes much more difficult when they suffer a loss such as this. It’s better therapy that she’ll ever find anywhere else. *hugs*
No words of wisdom, no insight. Just know that you are always in our thoughts. You are doing a wonderful job.
oprahs show on unforgetable/unconventional dads just recently aired in south africa i was so deeply touched, i have been reading your blog everyday since that show. i lost my dad when i was a baby
my mum spoke of him eveyday and still does, i am 29
although i do not have any of my own memories of him, i know him so well,gestures, mannerisms, favourite cities,songs, poets, dreams, out look on life etc. i even share my ‘memories’ of my father with my own 2 sons. what you are doing for maddy is so precious, a priceless gift.
matt, you are a star in the firmament of life.
My husband was looking through the LLF brochure last night and we talked about not knowing what the future holds. I try to appreciate every moment, but I know that there are many that will only be appreciated in hindsight. Maddy will be very grateful that you’ve shared this with her and I’m glad that you’ve decided to share it with us, as well.
My dad passed away when I was young and my mother’s father also passed away when she was a child. I thank God I had the chance to know my dad. I’m not sure which way is worse, but I think about you and Maddy often. I feel like I have a very small understanding of what my mom and grandma must’ve felt losing their soulmates (neither re-married) by reading your blog, and I pray I never go through it. Thank you for your honesty and I hope time heals your heart… never fully but enough to look back and smile more than cry.
your writing takes my breath away.
thinking of you & Maddy & Liz, sending love & support your way.
you are doing an amazing job, keep on.
Your writing will help her. It helps me. I hope that it helps you. I have been struggling for the words for 14 years. You have more courage than anyone I have ever known. You are doing an amazing job!
Your doing a great job, I think of you and your situation so often and always have this thought in my head like she will walk through your door one day and it being like an eternal wait………… like it just being a bad dream and waking up and not be a reality. I can’t explain what I mean, but I wish that I could bring her back to you so that you could be whole again. When you say that Maddie goes and points and Liz’s picture and says mama………..just makes me wish I could bring your sunshine back to you……… stay strong Matt……
i’ve been quietly reading your blog for months. i cry everytime i read them but i can’t stop. you are an amazing man and Maddy is so lucky to have you. your wife would be so proud. i have my own little one due any day now and i just hope i can be as good of a parent as you.
My thoughts are with you.
I really like how Margot said: “…We’re here to listen as long as you’re willing to write. And I think you’re an amazing father to Maddie. She deserves to have Liz too; of course, but you’re more than enough. Don’t ever doubt that.”
Because, Matt – you are enough. No one wanted this way. Yet Liz KNEW how deeply and respectfully you loved her and KNEW you would love your little girl with the same intensity and grace. From high school on, she knew that she chose well. We know too, now. Thanks for sharing your heart, emotions, and journey. It is an honor to be your friend.
It may not seem like enough to you, Matt.. but to Maddie when she gets older and reads this, it will seem like everything.
For what it’s worth, so many people think you are doing an amazing job. She’s a lucky little girl to be loved so much.
You are my hero
LOVES strongest words come through your post. You are doing a wonderful job of showing her who she is, where she came from and where she will go. You are amazing Matt.
Hugs and Love
Every time I read your thoughts I cry. I cry for you and the pain you go through, the pain Madeline will have once she is older and realizes what happened, and then I think of the memories that you are giving Madeline and how happy she will be to have them one day. She will relish in the words you in which you write so eloquently and meaningfully. You are an amazing spirit and Madeline and an amazingly lucky little girl.
I hope you both find peace and love each other beyond measure. (((hug)))
Madeline is so lucky to have a daddy who loves her mommy so much. That is one thing I never had…
Your words never cease to amaze me and I know that Madeline, too, will be amazed at just how awesome her daddy is and how wonderful her mother was. Your writing is going to be the best gift that she will ever receive. Keep up the good work…
She may never have known her mother, but you better believe she will have the best relationship with her father. Better maybe, than if Liz were here. I have no doubt you will make sure she knows all about her mother, and this will be enough, because it has to be, and it’s all there is. It’s not your fault she’s gone. There will always be moments where she will wish her mommy was here. A part of who Maddy is will be based on the fact that she grew up without her mommy, just like it’s a part of who you are to continue living without Liz.
You deserve the father of the century award. I truly mean that.
words seem so inadequate….but, you are a wonderful dad, and one day you and Maddie will be glad to have these thoughts of yours written, because each day brings new feelings about your life in trying to be everything for her. I, like everyone who reads this blog, wish you still had Liz to help you. But, her spirit guides you.
Some days are never easy. I am so sorry for that. You are truly giving Maddie a gift though…you are living and bringing with you Liz’s memory and spirit. Maddy will know how much you loved one another…it is clear to all of us…And we are strangers.
Peace.
You have an incredible amount of strength. It amazes me. Keep doing what you’re doing and I bet when you and Maddy get to Heaven one day to see Liz, she’ll be so proud of you both.
Love, Mere
if i had just one wish in the world, i would give it to you.
and again you made me cry…. so sad:(… you are doing so great though… this is not the life you would choose but you are making the best of it.
beautiful
oh boy. i am at a loss for words, but just wanted to let you know i am thinking and feeling for you guys. sounds like a bad painful day. i feel so selfish when i check in on your blog. you really did get the shit end of the stick. just know that all your blog readers/friends support, good wishes and energy are with you and little madeline. visa photos turned out good
god….your pain really does make me hurt for you.
You always make me cry! But, for some damn reason I still want to meet you in the MN at your shindigs. Our girls would be bestest of friends in a heartbeat.
Thinking of you today.
beautiful & heartbreaking.
thank you for sharing with all of us. you help me nremember what is truly important in life.
~liz
I’ve read this several times now, and started a few comments, never knowing what to say. I can’t imagine how that morning was for you 17 months (and 2 days) ago, and so many mornings since. But you continue to do such an amazing job, and Maddie seems so peaceful and happy (not to mention so beautiful). I feel sad that Liz is missing this and I feel sad that you no longer have the love of your life to share these great moments with. But I feel happy for Maddie. She has such a great Daddy, and she will definitely know her Mommy … even though it’s not the way you want her to. One day I hope to meet you both …
xoxo
In the sense that Maddy will never know her mother in person, nothing can ever be enough. It is so deeply wrong and unfair. HOWEVER, what you are doing for Maddy is INFINITELY more than enough to assist her in becoming the smart, joyful, inquisitive, and lovely person we can all already see. Maddy will grow up knowing her father absolutely adores her and that he loves her mom just as deeply. And that, in its own f***ed up yet somehow beautiful way, is perhaps enough??
Very simply put, if I was Maddy and I could read the beginning of my life and about my mom I never knew through a blog my father wrote- I can’t say there’s any better gift. THe love you still have for her is evident and heartbreaking, and something I think a lot of children never see shared between their parents. You perserverace will not be appreciated by her as a child or teen- but when she has her own babies and understands “it”- she’s going to come to you one day and thank you. I thank you now.
Once again you have taken your thoughts and have expressed them beautifully. It allows me to reconnect with my thoughts about not having my husband here with our daughter. God the pain never goes away.
I’ve been following your blog for a long time now…and although I’m a stranger (friend) to you, I think about your story often. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around what happened to your family; what happened to Liz. I’ve mentioned this before, that Liz and I share a lot of similar traits, (both of midget height, same age, same length of time that we have been with our mates, etc.) but I’m not sure if that’s why I am so affected by your story, or if because it’s just plain and simple….it’s one of the most fucking sad things that could happen to anyone. How can a Mom die the day after her first baby is born? Unbelievable. Wretched. Just wrong. And it will always BE….
Anyway, I’m sorry if I depressed you.
I appreciate you sharing your story with us. For the love of Liz.
~Julie B in MA
Holidays, including anniversaries, magnify everything…happiness or sadness. You show amazing strength.
Several posts before mine, a girl named Lori, said the perfect words…Maddy will thank you one day. What a gift you are giving her by doing this blog! And how many more people you are helping in this world also, who have been through similar things. We lost our first born child to SIDS, it was sudden and totally without warning. Although you and I didn’t experience the same type of loss, I do know the pain you feel. I am so sorry. I do believe, though, that Liz is with you and Maddy daily. I also believe you will be with her again one day! Anyway, you are thought about by many people who care for you and Maddy. You are a great dad and husband!!!!
Kelley
http://www.tutusandchoochoos.blogspot.com
Matt, your writing is so poingant, it makes me feel like I knew, loved, and lost Liz as well. Your pain is painful for ME, and I don’t even know you. Sometimes as I’m reading your blog, I imagine Liz walking into a room and scooping Maddy up into her arms, both happy and smiling. It helps make the reality of your situation seem a little less horrible, if possible.
It’s just so fucking unfair. I’m sorry, so very very sorry.
Your wife is proud of you & that little girl of yours is pretty special. Keep up the good work!
hugs! You are doing a fantastic job and Liz would be so proud of you!
Maddy is a lucky girl who will forever have this connection back to the mom who loved her so very much…you are doing a good thing here.
It will be enough.
((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
You will give her enough. Sure there may be questions, sadness, longing but you are doing your best. Much better than many parents,
You are both lucky. Hard to remember sometimes but true.
I don’t think it’s about being smart enough to communicate through abstractions, I’d think it’s hard enough to think about the reality
I think you are doing great Matt- Maddie will appreciate this memoir more than you can imagine. It is helping many of us thru struggles…
You are such an amazing father! I dont’ comment offen, but I follow your blog. I admire you, and you’re doing a great job! Prayers from OHIO
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time but I’ve never commented. But I was listening to music while reading this post and heard this:
time may give you more than your poor bones could ever take
and felt the need to say I think of you every time I hear that song (I know you know it
) Thank you for this blog; it continues to give me often much-needed perspective, as I have a tendency to get bogged down with shit that just doesn’t matter. So yeah, at the risk of sounding cheesy as hell, thanks. 
P.S. glad you enjoyed your trip to B.C. As a Canadian that makes me happy
This is competely off topic… There are the most adorable pair of fuschia baby moccasin at a store called G. H. Bass & Co. The minute I saw them I instantly thought of Madeline and you because they look like something you would have her wear. I looked down at the box and the name of the shoe is Madeline. It was ment to be. If you get a chance, check them out.
xoxo
If more people took a few pages from your book, this world would be a heavenly place
Music can transport us back through time to another place in life. On the whole, that’s a good thing.
That song will likely take you back, always. And one day, you’ll turn it on again, just to travel there, even though the ticket price is high.