we each got

a new passport stamp.

that alone would

have been enough

to get me out

of the singapore airport,

but we had the added

bonus of hanging

out with one of

my favorite people

in the whole

wide world.

eshwari somehow tracked

us down after

i told her to

pick us up

at the wrong terminal.

and after a

few tears

(she’s never met madeline in person and we haven’t seen each other since before liz died),

she punched me in

the arm and called

me an idiot.


that’s a woman

i call my friend.

and she was

a great friend to


when she was

visiting bangalore,

eshwari would take


to all of the best

shops, and i would

have to follow along

(which kinda sucked).

she was known

to give


a ride on the

back of her two-wheeler.

liz on the back of eshwari's two wheeler.

and she was


favorite drinking partner.

liz and eshwari at the tavern.

(i was always #2 when eshwari was around, except in the photo below).

a night at the tavern.

so it was

great to see her

again, but it

was really, really hard.

she took us

out for coffee,

and before the place

opened, maddy got

to ride on a carousel.

in singapore with auntie eshwari.

then there was

a light snack

and some playtime


then maddy landed

face first on the

marble floor.

the crack i heard

turned my stomach…

and all i could

think was that

she would be

completely toothless

until the next set

comes in.

she screamed the

scream of the injured

infant, the one

where they hold

their breath

for an hour or

so, before letting out

the shrillest noise

you’ve ever heard.

minutes later she

was back at the

table, playing with

her auntie eshwari,

except now she

had a giant knot

on her head.


eshwari’s friend, amy arrived

and took us out

for a typical

singaporean breakfast…

eggs mixed with

pepper and soy sauce,

and some toast

with some sweet

stuff and butter.

rachel and i

loved the toast,

but felt a little

unsure about the eggs.

maddy was uninterested,

and passed out

with her arm

in the sink.


after breakfast, we

went to the

top of a

tall building, and took

in singapore.

way up.

from there, we headed

off to a play date

arranged for maddy.

i didn’t think

she’d have the energy

to participate,

but like her dad,

she refuses to

sleep when there’s

fun to be had.

burning off what energy she had left.

balance beam.


i was definitely

more exhausted than

she was,

so, so tired.


but there

was no way

she was gonna

let me sleep.

helping hand.

please let me sleep!

all-in-all it was

a great day,

especially because

we made some

new friends, a few

of whom

will be living in

rochester, mn come november.

with our new friends.

after playtime,

we caught a cab

daddy, maddy, auntie eshwari.

and went across

town for lunch

at a sausage house.

the only one with

energy was madeline.


she colored and

colored and colored,

sometimes she

even managed to

color on the paper.

the rest of us

stared blankly

at the walls,

unable to muster

any words.

we had grand plans

for the day,

but by the time

lunch was over,

they had been scrapped.

instead of a

photo of the merlion,

we went back to

eshwari’s apartment

and all took epic naps.

totally out.

a few hours later

we were off to

the airport, and ready

for our next flight.

we said goodbye

to auntie eshwari

(well, until she comes back to bangalore next week)

and made our

way through customs.

we spent sometime

hanging out in

the airport.


eventually maddy was exhausted


so tired.

which was good,

because we had

a 3+ hour flight

to bangalore.

(amazing how back-to-back 11 and 7 hour flights can make a 3+ hour flight seem short).

and it was

short, given that

madeline slept the

entire flight.

as we approached the

city, i looked

at the baby

sleeping in my arms.

last time i was

on this flight,

maddy had only

been cooking inside


for a couple of months.

i remember daydreaming

about her

arrival as i arrived

in this place.

i felt awful for

leaving my pregnant,

puking wife

alone in los angeles,

and told myself

that i was done

traveling for

work after this trip.

things are

a lot different now.

i never imagined i’d

be back here

under these circumstances,

but i’m

damn lucky to have

that little dream in

my arms.

we arrived in bangalore,

excited to be home.

after getting violated

by the thermal scanning

devices and peered at

suspiciously by a bunch

of doctors and nurses

wearing facemasks,

we got another

passport stamp and

made our way

downstairs to pick up

our luggage.

(it should be noted that despite the scary health check, the new bangalore airport is a dream compared to the old one).

we waited awhile

for our luggage

but it finally arrived

and soon enough

we were in a taxi

and on our

way through the city.

it was great

to be able to give

the taxi driver

directions to our

apartment, as if i’m

some expert on

navigating the streets

of bangalore.

we arrived at our

place, and it looked

largely unchanged

from the last time

i was here.

we checked in

and got to our room.

the smell of the

place is rather distinct.

the people who

clean the rooms

spray this room

spray, and it smells

a bit like

leather and something

else i can’t identify.


associated that smell

with india,

and each time i

returned from

staying in this place,

she would tell me

that i smelled like india.

it was that

smell that once

again brought

on the tears.

and these tears are

the reason i’m here

in the first place.

to write the book

i want to write,

the book i know

i can write,

i had to be in

a place that

was special to

me and to


but it had to

be a place

i haven’t been in

since she died.

i’ve confronted almost

everything in los angeles,

minnesota, hawaii, mexico, nyc.

this place…

it’s the place i

need to be

to confront the

feelings i need

to confront.

and there are more

places, and i

will get to them

with madeline.

and we will be happy.

by the time we

got settled it

was almost midnight,

and we were all

a little dazed.

maddy seemed like

she was ready to

sleep the sleep

of the dead.

so i laid

with her for a bit.


then rachel built us

a little nest

by pushing the

couches together.

it was a comfortable as

it appears.


eventually i moved

her into my

room, and she stayed

sleeping for a

little while.

after waking up

again and again,

she slept for an hour.

i slept for 30 minutes,

and then she

woke both of us up.

and there in bed

we watched the smurfs

and the jetsons and

the powerpuff girls

in an attempt to

get back to sleep.

we had some apples,

and some water,

nothing worked.

so she stayed up,

and i tried

to sleep as she

threw the phone

to the ground, and

kicked her feet

on the wooden

table next to the bed.

i don’t think i’ve

been this exhausted

in my entire life.

rachel came to my rescue

around 9:00am.

i told her i’d sleep

for a few hours

and then we could

go check out

the city.

i woke up at 8:30pm.


i slept for 11.5 hours.

i can’t think

of the last time

i’ve done something

like that.

rachel did an

amazing job of

keeping maddy entertained,

which is a tall

order because

maddy is so attached to me.

she will only

be held by me,

and she wants

to sit next to me

constantly, and if she’s

in another room,

she yells,

“daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy”

until i come to her.

we all took

our first showers

since monday

(gross, i know)

and headed out to dinner.

had a great meal,

and maddy got

a shitload of

attention from the

men of bangalore,

much to the chagrin

of their female companions,

to whom maddy

would not go.

after dinner we

took a walk

through town so

that rachel could

get an idea

of what was where.

maddy passed out

in spite of all the

horn honking,

and stayed asleep

until i removed her

and the backpack

from my back

and set them on

the ground.

as soon as

she hit the

ground, she was awake

and ready to play.


it appeared at the time

that this was gonna

be a very, very

long night.

and it was.

the great news

is that maddy

is really taking to rachel.

the better news

is that she

eventually went to sleep.

the greatest news?

it’s now 6:15am and

she is still sleeping.

now…if only

i could join her.

Copyright © 2007-2012 matt, liz and madeline. All rights reserved. This blog may not be reproduced on any other site without the expressed written consent of Matt Logelin.