somethings.
no.
most things, i try
to confront
head-on.
but there are
a few that can
remain buried in
time, not confronted.
but.
sometimes, the choice
is not mine.
like here.
in this place.
i chose to come
here, but…
i tried to avoid
some of it.
but.
four e-mails.
four responses.
“no vacancies.”
a fifth.
“confirmed.”
from the airport
through the narrow streets,
to a place
i could find
with my eyes
shut tight…
when they
gave us one bed,
and it wasn’t
clear to
them why we
needed two,
i simply told
them that one
wouldn’t work.
and i had a feeling.
yes.
it was a feeling,
but it was
intense
and i knew it then.
so we followed
the guy
in the dark green
uniform up the stairs.
and when
he turned left, i knew
what was
going to happen.
there.
on the right,
there it was.
as i stood
in the doorway,
i heard those
pigeons that
kept us up all
night, every night
for nearly two weeks.
i saw the balcony
that looked
liked it would
collapse under
the immense weight,
of us,
(figurative).
and i smelled
the musty smell of
the bathroom, the joints
between the blue tiles
covered in mildew.
and i saw
the look
on your face,
the one that said,
“what the fuck have you gotten me into this time?”
but none
of that happened.
not now.
not today.
it happened
before, yes, in 2004.
in room 403.
yeah.
the exact same
fucking room
where your
child now sleeps…
and i’ve learned again
today that
avoidance is the
thing that brings the
past to the
present, brings the
happy moments
face-to-face with
the last 19 months.
and i’m once
again reminded,
that avoidance is
no way
to deal with this.
so.
after more than
one beer,
and a few moments
of clarity,
and a lot
of writing,
i’m on my way back.
back to that place.
and i’ll put
the key in
the hole,
and you.
you won’t be
be there.
but i’ll feel you.
(again, figurative).
and maybe.
just maybe…
i won’t avoid,
one more thing
that i
don’t want to confront.
219 Comments
You WILL make your peace with it.
Cuz, goddammit, the Universe will throw it in your face EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. until you do.
*knot in throat*…may peace be with you all the way, Matt.
<3
Sigh. Hang in there dude, you’re doing a great job. Only you can make words of pain so damn beautiful.
*hugs*
. beautiful .
This trip has been so great in so many ways. Hope you can keep moving forward.
Absolutely amazing, Matt. You are an inspiration.
beautiful
Very striking.
Take it easy on yourself.
ugh. The same exact room? That’s rough, Matt. I’m sorry you were hit with that heavy reminder.
I hope you find the difficult parts of this trip to be the most healing after the initial sting wears off.
Sweet jesus…no one should have to face this…ever.
I don’t usually comment on your posts, it seems you have legions of fans that say it better than I can. But this…..this seems almost impossible.
Be well, keep breathing and when you feel like you can’t breath anymore, take another breath.
Christ my heart hurts for you.
you’re so brave…you have no idea how you’ve inspired me!
sending immense amounts of love across the world to you.
“avoidance is the
thing that brings the
past to the
present”
that line must go into the book.
Wow Matt, just wow. Sending hugs.
Wow. That’s all I have. Just, wow.
beautiful!
I don’t know how you do it, you are so strong. Just reading your words make my chest tighten and I find it hard to breathe.
i hope this goes into your book. it’s wonderfully written and completely heartfelt. wow Matt.
hugs from NJ,
Erica, Landon and Owen
The stars, the heavens,
they align. -to torture
us, pull us back in time.
A choice to make, the burden,
great. To drown inside it,
or make you great.
Your writing just gets better and better. Thank you so much for providing such a personal window into your life and your very soul.
So glad you have the strength to do all these things. Maddie is a very lucky girl.
Matt-
Just a lurker but today-
Today, once again, in a public place, tears streaming down my face and people looking at me like I’m crazy. I can’t wait to read the book-you have an awesome talent for capturing emotion.
Rebekah
Amazing. Through the tears that’s all I can say. Amazing.
my heart hurts for you matt. i can never say it enough, but i hope you will find peace within. if only so the heart doesn’t feel like it’s being stabbed and your breath is being taken away at moments you will continue to confront. i know that’s crazy, because of course it will always hurt… but i wish for you a peace to make it sting a little less. you’re strong. look where you are. liz would fall in love with you a million times more over at the man/father you are becoming. i’m one of those hokie-types that believes she’s right there with you, holding you up in your darkest hours… and that she’s applauding you in all your finest.
peace.
Beautiful…
WOW!!! Sometimes situations are just unavoidable. Good for you for facing it head on even when you don’t want too. Maddy will thank you one day!
Courage like I’ve never known before. Thinking about you.
That’s Liz right there….. nudging you…. showing you she’s with you all still.
Yet another post from you that leaves me utterly speechless.
wow, so hard and yet beautiful at the same time.
Damn, I can’t wait to buy your book.
Really wonderful Matt. Facing things is hard but hopefully it will let you move past the bad so you can embrace the good again. Safe travels, you are doing wonderful things!
Beautiful.
Ummm…..wow. Speechless
Your words are deeply moving.
Wow Matt, what are the chances of the same room? I don’t even know what to say…
Oh Matt… my heart aches after reading this post, but then again the memories are so bittersweet and thankfully you have Maddy! Sending you hugs!! XX
It’s my first time commenting. Your writing blows me away.
What an amazing sign that Liz is always with you and Maddy. Espcially in this place, during this time. Guiding. Helping.
Yours is an amazing story, Matt. What a legacy you’re giving Maddy. She’ll be just as proud of you as you are of her.
Good thought to you and Maddy, always.
Kismet, fate, a fucking joke.. either way you were meant to have that room and even though the memories are great and crappy at the same time, take it as a sign. Something, anything, bigger then we can even know put you there. Maybe it was to confront, maybe just to remember, but maybe it was to realize and believe something you always have said a million times.. alone, but not really.
You’ve got angels looking down and you and your best girl, Matt.
i’m so proud of you. you are so brave…even when you don’t want to be. your daughter is a lucky girl; for all that she has lost, she has so much in you. liz is also proud, i’m sure, even though i never knew her.
:[
Incredible.
That was beautiful Matt!! So beautiful!
You are such a strong person….good luck on the rest of your journey.
Matt –
Those are very powerful words which brought tears to my eyes. You have such a way with words. Liz and Maddy are very fortunate to have such an honest person in their lives. I wish you all the luck in India writing your book and I will certainly be purchasing a copy when it is published.
Wow! Your writing just draws someone in.
Beautiful
dude… this must be so fucking hard for you.
i am in awe of you and the way in which you handle these tough situations.
thinking of you in Toronto.
If this post is any indication of your book to come, it’s going to be a best seller.
This makes me believe that it is not the two of you making the journey…it is the THREE of you! ALWAYS!! Very touching post!
WOW!
ohmigosh matt reading that filled with me with such sadness and made me cry. whenever we try to avoid something ghosts of the past come back to haunt us not that liz is a ghost but memories; feelings of love and lost are always with us. you bury it down deep but they always make their way up. much postive energy to you matt!! nameste
Grab that bull by the horns Matt. Embrace it. Only then can you get stronger. Hug that little girl and remember…only as you can…
Isn’t it strange how things come full circle? Strange and heart-breaking in so many ways. Yet, maybe – maybe it’s a way for you to be closer to Liz, in those memories of those moments you shared with her.
My heart goes out to you.
Wow. Thanks for sharing this with all of us. Inspiring, courageous, intense. Thinking of you!
Matt-I just want to hug you. So sorry that you had to go through this but it is healing in an odd way. I love your writing and I can’t wait for your book.
Hugs n shit.
You’re an amazing writer. That was wonderful to read. Although your pain was clear, the magnitude of emotion was amazingly clear and I enjoyed reading it.
Oh Matt. My heart hurts for you.
Just remember Matt… you got your best girl waiting for you on the other side of that door. No, it’s not her… but it’s her soul.
I’m so proud of you! You. Are. Doing. It.
Hang in there. Big hug!
Matt, I have followed your blog for a long time now and I usually read it at work. Your posts have made me laugh out loud, grin like an idiot and basically look like a lunatic in front of all my coworkers. This post, the first one that compelled me to comment, made me cry. Thanks for being so fucking honest with so many people. I hope by writing it you are getting even half of what I have from reading it.
Sorry Matt that this is what you have to deal with. I am off to volunteer my time (skills?) as one of the children’s grief counselors at a family grief retreat this weekend. I will plug the foundation! No doubt I will be thinking about you, Liz, and Maddie.
Take Care of yourselves!
Oh Matt……..
There are no new words to say.
You know what we all have said & continue to say.
Give your best girl a hug.
Thinking of all of you today.
Wow! just wow!
Wow. Wow.
I hope this trip is helping you heal in some way.
Not that you are expected to EVER get over Liz’s passing.
Just maybe hurt a bit less.
Hugs.
That was an amazing piece of writing! You are so descriptive of the smallest of details. Liz would be so proud of the way that you are with Madeline. You have such a way with her. You are doing such a great job and I can’t wait to read your book!
so powerful….
I hope you find the peace you are looking for.
The crazy irony of ending up in the same room, all these years later.
Wow.
I’m sorry, Matt. It just sucks. Nothing else to say.
aaaaah Matt…you break out hearts AND make them soar with every post. Thank you so much for sharing this life journey that you and your baby girl are on.
oh matt. we who have lived through it share your pain.
Wow, life has a funny way of making you confront what you would rather leave hidden. I’m proud of you! I think you are much stronger than you think. Thinking of you and Maddy as always!
wow…
Oh Matt, how I wish I could bring that gorgeous joy back to your life and make it complete. You are a wonderful person. I love the way you write.
Beautiful. Not all ghosts are bad, are they?
it’s good to confront, even if it is hard to do.
I am suprised I was the first to comment……..wow it never happened before!
i can’t even imagine it, matt. somehow the world forces us to face things when the world thinks we ready, not necessarily when we think we are.
Wow. There are no words.
Hang in there. That’s all I can think to say – heart’s way too sad for you to say anything else.
hang in there Matt. It is never easy, and it’s trivial to say that it will be better or easier one day. But hang in there for Maddy and try to keep your fondest memories close and remember that you are doing a great job and there are lots of people who care about you.
Wow! Im so sorry!! (((hugs))) for you and Maddy!!
Oh dear, Man, some feelings are so hard. You are a brave soul and Liz was a lucky girl indeed. And, clearly, so is Madeline. Hang in there, Matt.
i wish i could take all of your pain away.
but i can’t.
i wish i could bring her back.
but i can’t.
i guess the only thing i can do is let you know that you can do it. you can and will get through these hard times.
You are an amazing Man, Father, and Husband!
Simply amazing.
Wow…that is powerful writing. I don’t know what to say, except, wow. That has to be so tough to confront. I’m choked up with the weight of your words and the load you’re carrying. Just…wow.
Only in some of my worst nightmares can I even glimpse how must feel without her. You are so very brave. And your daughter is blessed.
I am a believer of signs from beyond so I look at this as not being an accident but an indication that Liz wanted you to know that she is right there with you and Maddy. The only problem I see is what are you going to do with just one bed? I don’t think the one bed is a sign for Liz saying go for it? I hope you are laughing because that was suppose to be a joke. You are comforting your past and moving on. I know that is hard but you are doing it. Liz will always be with you and Maddy believe that in your heart and life will be alot easier. Continue to write your feelings!!!! Can’t wait for the book.
Rosann
I’m a longtime lurker and first time poster. I just wanted to tell you that I have never been so excited to read a book that isn’t even fully written. Your words are so powerful and moving. I wish you luck on your journey and hope it continues to bring you the peace you need.
dude, sometimes all i can think to say in response to one of your posts is that “you are loved by so many people”. this is one of those times.
You’ve done it again, Matt,,,,,,,,,,,,kept me on the edge of my seat,eyes glued to every word that I’m reading,,,,,,,,,,,,,giving me chills,and you make us feel like we could almost be right there with you! What a great post; as always!!!!!!
Wow. That’s all I can say through teary eyes.
I really don’t know how you do this!
what are the chances? matt, this is the ultimate healing you can put yourself through. i’m constantly amazed at your strength and admire the memories you are creating for maddy…hang in there!
I got shivers reading this.
wow.
Your words are such a powerful reminder that the tide of time may ebb and flow but it never dimininshes memory. Thank you for sharing so poignantly the journey you’re on…
Many prayers for you Matt.
You have come so far…but somethings, some places and some days will still be difficult… Be gentle with yourself as you ease into these memories. Find peace and happiness…thinking of you
Amazingly raw. I am proud of you, Matt.
Beautiful.
I’ve been a lurker for so long now….and I always hoped my first comment to you would be something a little more- to show you what you mean to people, to commend your strength, and marvel in the inspiration you are to so many of your readers. But, after reading this last post, and tapping in on almost ALL emotions known- all I can really say is, “beautiful”.
damn.
Oh Matt…my heart breaks for you! You make Liz proud! No words would matter so I will just leave it at that.
What are the f’ing chances Matt?! I guess all you can do is what you’re doing – confronting things as they are placed in front of you and dealing as best you can. And from the looks of things, though it may not feel like it, you’re doing a very awesome job.
sucks hard..we miss you guys…HUGS
Beautifully written, as always. Your heart shines through your words. And even though you can’t see or feel her, she is there, with you…and Maddy…I don’t know what your beliefs are. I am not religious, but I do believe that our loved ones who have passed on can look down on us, or even surround us. That might sound creepy, but I take comfort in knowing that my Grammy comes around me sometimes and that when my son is playing in his room by himself, and he laughs, it’s with her…
I can’t imagine…how completely tragic and surreal that her baby girl is now sleeping in that same room. I’m so sorry for you both, and yet so incredibly inspired and proud of you at the same time.
comfort.
that’s what i’m hooping you might find today.
dear matt, have followed your blog from day one, and it is a joy to see you and maddie grow from such sorrow, as we say here in scotland more power to you , from , mary anne in glasgow, scotland
Just…. WOW!
My thoughts and prayers are with you Matt…I can only imagine what you are feeling and going through. Stay strong and thanx for updating us. I have really enjoyed all the pictures.
Keep up the hard but Im sure good work.
wow. I’ve been there before….like that, a long time ago.
I have been reading your blog for quite some time and this is the first time I have posted. This brought me to tears (again)…I hope you find peace! And your Maddy is a doll…absolutely beautiful!
Sending you love and light. It’s hard to confront it all at once. Nothing stays buried forever.
This post makes me miss her and I never knew her. Your writing is so powerful.
wow…you’re a very strong person. All the things that are thrown in your path and you just keep pushing forward! Maddi is one lucky girl!
Matt- Your words are amazing and your insight, tremendous. I cannot wait to read your book! Safe travels for the rest of your journey! -Stranger/friend
Ohhh….so very touching. I felt like i was there with you during this experience/remembrance of Liz. Great, great post Matt. Keep being strong for your girl. Thanks for sharing these amazing stories. Crazy how 5 years later…same room.
hugs.
Avoidance feels so easy…until it catches you. I wish I didn’t know so well what you mean.
That sucks but in a way it is awesome! To tell Maddy some day that she stayed in the very same room that her mother did! Chances like that do not happen very often! The word sucks doesnt quite cover how you felt as you walked to that very same room though! Thinking of you and Maddy and hoping the writing is going well!
There are things that make me stop in my tracks and think about things and why they happen, and this entry makes me stop cold in awe.
This, for some reason, was meant to happen.
Liz will be holding you and Maddy close tonight.
I cannot imagine the strength it takes to go back to the places you spent with Liz. Maddy will cherish the memories you are sharing with her.
Praying for you as you go through this tough journey. I just cannot imagine how heart breaking, yet healing, confronting these memories must be! I can’t wait to read this book. You, Liz and Madeline have touched so many lives!
Matt, heartbreakingly beautiful. and brave. and so much more. I will keep you in my thoughts as you are there in that place, struggling to make peace with things. Hugs to you and Maddy and Rachel. You amaze me. really.
Matt, I’ve never commented on your blog before, but the way you described putting the “key into the hole” as in visiting those painful memories really struck me as quite profound. In reading your blog I have wondered (I hope I’m not being too nosy in asking this) about your ’spirituality” or “faith.” It seems that your trip to India has shown a side of you that has not been present in your other posts. Again–I hope that I’m not out of line by asking you that. I have really enjoyed looking at the pictures of your trip. I feel like I have been able to take the journey with you. Thank you for sharing that with us.
Aw, Matt – I’m sorry. But I’m not. Which sounds heartless, no? Writing for me is so much free therapy, through writing I can work through my own demons/issues/pain/memories/joy and get to healing. It sounds like you’re going through the same thing now. (I feel a little like an AA sponsor – work the program, work the steps.) Let the writing help. Best wishes to you.
Beautiful!
Matt, it just feels excrutiatingly painful reading this. I am so terribly sorry. The same room…my god..
Oh wow, what a post… I know that has to be so hard, but so awesome all at the same time.
Thinking of you both as I read this and trying to send comfort over the internet.
Btw…I miss your updates! I know you’re busy, but I’m looking forward to more photos and updates. And speaking of photos, I have pics of Maddy from our visit to you in California–when you’re home, I’ll try and forward them to you.
Your writing is amazing. I felt every single word of that and it moved me to tears. I truly felt your pain for the first time since I began reading this site and it was over a year ago. We are here Matt, all of your stranger friends with an ear to listen. I am glad you didn’t hold back.
Beautifully written, Matt! Bravo to you for your extraordinary courage.
WOW. is all i really have to say. you are amazing. that’s all.
Matt, Madeline will be a better person knowing what you have done for her. You have confronted your pain head on and you are dealing with you tremendous loss as best as you can. You aren’t hiding from it, you hurt I bet most days and then there are probably parts of your days where you feel well, ok. Happy even, especially when your toddler does one of those fun things that only toddlers can do. Your wife would be extremely proud of you and the dad you are. Your child looks so very happy, so you have got to be doing something right
If it wasn’t now, it would be someday anyway. The things we run from tend to catch up to us at some point. The post is amazing.
Don’t stop you will get there.
Same room. That’s insane. You are strong. Maddy is blessed.
I just cried my way through the movie “P.S. I Love You” and then read this… I don’t comment often, cuz I don’t feel I have anything to offer or say that hasn’t already been offered or said, but I know that you will get there. You will get to that place where the hurt stops a little more each day. I truly believe that Liz would want you to get there. For her, for you and for Maddy.
Hugs, is all I can offer.
the next thing….going to that place. i have been thinking about it ever since you said you were going to kathmandu. i have gone back to flickr to look at your photos from that day. if you go, when you go, i wish you strength and peace.
Holy shit…chilling…beautiful…heartbreaking. Full of strength and inspiration.
sniff…… your words make my eyes tear and put a lump in my throat.
Matt,
Hugs to you……………
take care,
Debbie
As great as your writing is, and as much as I am glad I “met you and Maddie”, I wish someone would re-write that chapter for you and Maddie. I can feel how much you miss Her. Again, you are just such an amazing Daddy and you Honour Liz so much by living as you do. I hope peace continues to follow you and not too much else sneaks up on you.
I just love your blog, and have since the first night I found it and stayed awake for HOURS reading from the beginning. You are amazing, and though this is in no shape or form fair…you have a beautiful daughter and what a wonderful father you are. I love seeing what Madeline is up to since I have a 19 month old myself…with quite the temper lately might I add!
Have a nice weekend!
Sending you peace and light. nena
“And isn’t it ironic, don’t ya think.. ”
That fucking sucks. One more war badge for you to wear with pride and know you faced it. Fate doesnt throw this shit at people who can’t swing it.
But look at that sweet face you see each morning, and you’ll know why you got dealt such a crappy hand.
Matt – I love your voice in your writing.
Reading you keeps me inspired to keep trying to find my own.
Peace and Blessings to you and Maddy.
Myrna
If the past is messing up your present….it isn’t really in the past.
Meeting it all head-on, with your head held high, takes a lot of courage. I have faith that you will continue facing reality and make peace with all your truths. Thank you for revealing your heart to us – your friends. Journey on. We will be here.
No one should ever have to face this.Stay strong and I hope you find peace
I know it is painful…but try to think of it as maybe somehow Liz is watching over you guys and perhaps she wants Maddie to experience it (the place) and love it like she did…:-)
love you SO much. sounds weird, considering i don’t even know you, but you’re SO strong, SO brave, SO amazing.
Oh, man, you are killing me–read here regularly, but never commented before. Love your writing and have been moved to tears in the past, but today, well, today, you reduced me to a blubbering fool–in a good way, really! I won’t say anymore–you know exactly what you are doing–and what you are seeking. Know though, that yet one more person admires you–and cares enough–to let you know. My very best, Marnie
Matt I know you will eventually find peace. I am so excited that you are taking Maddy to the places that were memories for you and Liz. Later in life maddy will be so happy that you shared so much with her. I think of you often and hope that you are coping ok.
Maddy is growing up and she is so blessed to be so loved by so many.
Keep up the good work you are a wonderful father.
<3 from ohio…
I don’t comment much, but read every word you write. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you really are an amazingly strong person.
No words. I hope that, somehow, even those experiences can become healing ones. Thinking of you and the amazing Maddy.
sending you & Maddie love, peace & strength across the globe!
Jeeeezus Christ Matt. You’re amazing. I don’t know how else to explain what you’re doing and how you’re doing it…other than to say you’re amazing. It’s so unfair, this journey you’ve been forced into taking. Yet there you are. There all of you are and DAMN if you aren’t doing the very best you can for yourself and Maddy. ((hugs))
Hey
Been a little while-so happy to see you and Maddy are doing well! I am back on My own blogging wagon and following blogs once again so I am excited to see what adventures you and your daughter hold!!!
PS we were twitter (are?) twitter friends already from a while ago!!!!!
Glad you are well!
Stacy
My heart aches for you, Matt. That was a beautiful post. You are so strong!
you are so very brave for confronting this and for sharing it with all of us. huge ((hugs))to you guys.
what you’ve posted of your trip so far has been amazing, thank you so much! I seriously can’t wait to read your book.
Jesus. That’s incredibly sad shit. My heart aches for you. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this trip must be for you…
Thanks again for sharing so much with us. I do know you’ll never regret facing these heartwrenching moments. But you might have regretted not facing them.
I’m cheering for you all the way. You’re doing the most fantastic things for yourself and for Maddy. BE proud. I’m sure Liz would be…
i have no idea what you’re going through and probably don’t have the right words, but just know that a whole lot of people think you’re awesome..and the most important one is maddy. she already knows what a great dad she has.
i’d like to think that was liz’s way of telling you she’s watching over the two of you.
can’t wait to read the book…i hope this trip continues to help you heal.
My very first thought after reading this post was, “some things are not coincidence.” (((HUGS)))
Jesus fucking christ, matt. i’m bawling. i don’t really give a flying fuck if your editor thinks you’re off to a “really, really great start.” that’s the biggest fucking understatement i’ve ever heard. i don’t even know what to say…
i’m so sad for you but i’m so happy for you at the same time. beautiful post. absolutely beautiful.
this definitely choked me up. you’re doing all you can, and that’s all anyone can ask. you’ll get there, matt, in your own time. in your own way. you’ll get there. *hugs and love always*
amazing and heart shattering all at the same time.
i, too, believe that things don’t just happen. Even if she isn’t physically there, she is always there with you & Maddie.
I feel a movie in the works….this is an incredible and tragic love story. Thank you for letting us all take the journey with you. Your writing takes me away. Hang in there.
of course it’s the same damn room… frustrating. but you are totally right that you have to confront your feelings, and face the truth. its good that your not running away. you can do this
beautiful. moving. powerful. hugs
I read this when you first posted it and didn’t really have any words. I still don’t. Not really. I just wanted to say that this is some beautiful writing and…just keep doing what you’re doing.
Liz is just saying HI and she wouldn’t want you to stay in anyother place
HUGS!!!
This post brought me to tears, Matt.
Matt, Grief is not fun and facing things and places you’ve sharedhurts. I know. All you can do is what you’re doing. no one can ask you for more.
Holy fuckin balls of steel Matt…..wow
It is like the ocean. You go back and forth with the tide, struggling, trying to stay on top the water, and you are swimming beautifully.
Thank you for sharing this experience with the rest of us. I’ve never experienced grief like yours, but I feel the hope within it, and I feel stronger having read your story. Good luck with the book and hugs to Madeline and Rachel!
I get you. I so get you.
Hang in there Matt…
i wish i can give you and maddy a big hug right now.
Wow. Surreal.
WOW! Beautiful ~ hugs to you.
You are very lucky to have such a way with words…. ans we are lucky that you choose to share those words with us. Thank you. It will get better…. time will march on…
Beautifully written Matt. Thinking of you and Maddy.
Profound. You have a a purpose. You have the opportunity. Your words will change the world. Welcome to the world of Best Sellers.
As someone who believes there are no coincidences, I love and hate those moments when things like that happen. But every time they do happen I’m always in awe. Enjoy the rest of your trip.
Liz is with you on your trip to help you write your book, You will be ok, it takes time, and you have a 24/7 reminder of her, it will be hard, but one day you will make it, just not sure when!! Keep up the great writing, and taking care of that little angel you are so blessed to have!!!
I understand avoidance. I’ve found myself confronted with many memories that I’ve squelched over the past several years . . . since my mom died when we were both too young. Making a point to embrace those good and ugly memories is something that I need to do and I just realized it. I am inspired by your courage.
From someone who’s lost her mother I think it is marvelous that you are doing what you can so ensure that Maddy knows her mom. Kudos to you.
May your journey take you both to the place that you need to be.
I have not written for months. Not even sure 100% why you are where you are ATM – too caught up in my personal sagas. I try to stop in and check out your blog when I can. I still compare Maddy’s development with my little guy as they are only a month apart and despite knowing we are nearing 2 just around the corner – I am astounded by how much Maddy has grown and that your baby, like mine- is not so much a baby anymore!!Though they will always be your “baby” they are entering toddlerhood! (look out- but that is another tangent in itself) I just felt I needed to comment after reading tonight as your words are so very heartfelt and moving. It makes me think of other words I have heard you mention quite a bit:
Alone???? – but not really!!!!
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. You may not figure out today why all this transpires but I think one day you may. Whether just a reminder to jog your memory or an intent to let you know she is with you and Maddy with every step you take, I hope you find some comfort and peace.Through all your pain I really wish you could feel and see how touched you are with Liz’s presence. I know it may not feel like enough but I think you and Maddy are encompassed with her love!!!
Hang in there!!!
The filthy language on this blog is atrocious. If your book is as vulgar as this blog I’ll pass on buying it.
You have been walking this journey one day at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time these past months, 19 months.
You are doing that again in Room 403.
Hang in there and thanks for sharing your heart and soul with us. So genuine.
sending strength and grace.
i know this i probably the wrong spot for this, but Ive got a 17 month old upstairs napping (or starting fires) who is also busting in 4 teeth @ the moment. motrin/tylenol, eh? she eats them like candy, but they dont seem to do much in the way of MAKING HER STFU. You know what Im saying? But, there are these things called humphreys teething strips that seem to help a LOT with the crankymcscreamface. I got them @ walgreens…got any of those in india? they were in the baby isle by the teething stuff like orajel (dont even waste your $$). they are in a cute little box, and work like magic. seriously.
Wow…when you jump into the pool you head straight for the deep end!
Lovely words. Thinking of you.
Hi Matt, thanks for sharing the painful memories as well as the happy ones. I have been reading all your posts but haven’t commented till now- thinking of you, Matt.
you are… poetry in motion.
This is a good ‘ole fashioned Matt post. I am sorry you are hurting but glad you are facing it. Your words are at their most powerful when you are hurting. peace, love and strength to you and madeline.
This just affirms to me that Liz was with you both that day. She made it happen so you could all be together.
This post ‘feels’ like you’re older posts. It’s beautiful. I hope you are well.
I was writing about the exact same thing as you did here, only in an entirely different way. Keep on writing Matt. You’re great at it and it is an important path to recovery.
You will accomplish this, because of all the people that do don’t even know you but love you.
Your words leave me speechless. I pray for peace for you.
Hey, I am from Norway and I saw you on Oprah today. I got to say I admire you for taking such good care of your dather. She is beautiful. Even though you have had a hard time you just keep on living for both …. Amazing !!!
You touched my heart, among many others….
Wish you the best in future.
Henriette
You are such an amazing writer. It is truly a special gift to be able to paint such a vivid picture and evoke such strong emotion in others with the words that you write. Bless you through this journey. I hope you find some peace, if that is possible.
Funny how frequently in grief these coincidences occur. Makes you wonder.
your words and actions continue to move me and i find myself missing liz without ever knowing her. i live each day with a little more love and a lot more gratitude. and i fill my heart with hope for you and maddy. you never cease to amaze me. sending love and hugs your way. safe travels. ~c
Matt, I’m so very sorry. It’s just not fair.
(I know, I know, how many times have your heard that already?)
Your writing is amazing. Your words are so moving.
JS @ http://www.motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com
Matt, I have no words to offer today, but I have some music for you to listen to. It seems you have a pssion for music and I thought this might bring you a moment of peace (or at least a finger tapping, head bobbing minute). I came across an old friends new band and it brought me that moment last week when our dog died unexpectedly when he was hit by a car right in front of us (me and my kids). Here’s the site http://www.surprisememrdavis.com/
Keep on keeping on!
Wow – usually I am just a lurker but have to say that you are amazing. Maddie is very lucky to have you and I wish you strength, courage and lots of love to help you through this journey we call life!
I’m sorry for your pain. I understand about avoidance. I wish I too could avoid the process of my mother dying and taking care of all that needs to be taken care of. I wish I could avoid that during this time my husband and I have been fighting daily since we brought our son home. PPD? Anxiety? Stress? Financial worry? Realizing we’re just not made for each other? Not sure. I wish I could avoid that I wake up daily with anxiety and worry and wondering on what choices to make for my son that are the 100% right choices.
I hate all of this and I wish I could avoid it. I get it and I’m sorry.