today,
14 years ago,
a first date.
a couple of nervous kids,
(well, at least one).
dinner. a walk around
a museum. a movie
that became an
instant favorite.
and finally a stop at
a friend’s birthday party
to show off the
girl i only hoped
i’d be able
to keep around.
now, 14 years later,
i picked our daughter
up a little
earlier than usual,
and took her to
see her favorite movie
on the big screen
at a theater in hollywood.
and i watched her
as she watched it
with excitement,
and i did my
best to hold back
the tears
(i failed)
as she looked over at
me with the
same smile,
those same blue eyes.
and then i
smiled as she said,
“daddy. up!”
telling me that she
wanted to
sit on my lap.
and i laughed
when she reached
into the bucket,
grabbing one kernel of popcorn,
at a time,
shoving each one into
my mouth while yelling
out her rather
inappropriate pronunciation
(“cockcorn”).
and then i remembered
being in this
exact spot, watching
a different movie
a few years ago with
liz.
but the memory
was short lived,
because i felt my
legs getting warm,
the unmistakable feeling of
madeline’s diaper
leaking through
her jeans,
and into mine.
now soaked in
baby piss, i smiled again,
thankful for the
little girl who gets
me through these days.
I know you must be really busy with your travels and writing your book, but I really miss your updates and new pictures of Maddie. I check your website everyday (several times) to see how you are doing and what Maddie has done new. Please keep the posts coming.
I’ve been following your blog from almost the very beginning when the glamour blogger first introduced you. I’ve never posted anything before, but I was reading postsecret.com today as well, and one of them reminded me of you.
I loved this post Matt. So perfect! I am so glad you are able to enjoy Madeline so much and have her to help you get you through this time.
I would love to know what movie it was that you saw with Liz. Hmmm, must have been ’96?
You had me laughing …and then crying.
Not many people can accomplish that all in one blog post.
So glad you got to spend another special day with your special girl!
Beautiful post as always. It is amazing how our little ones have a way of bringing us right back to reality. I’m sure Liz was smiling down on both of you that day.
I knew this blog when i wacthing Oprah Winfrey Show. I’m touched about your life. You are inspiring me to doing something for other people.
God bless you
I was sad today. From my father’s death to the lack of participation of my mother and her pissy grandmother role. Lola, my 13 month old saw me cry. For the second time this week. Then she moves on in the attempt to make me laugh. Thankgoodness for our little girls. They are why we move on, keep breathing and smile till the end of the day.
I am inspired by your writings. I enjoy reading them. Ant I think our kids look so much alike. Weird.
Thank you dearly,
Jennifer
hallo, i am mansyur from indonesia
today i watch you on oprah show (i know its delayed to seen that tv show on my country).
when i saw you on Oprah, its make me sad when you must protected your own child without mother. but you show how love of father to your daughter.
you are grat father that i ever seen in the world. i hope you always spread love to the world. we need more father figure like you are….
lots of of children in indonesia need love from parents figure, their lost their childhood and search money by their own.
sometimes children in my country abuse by adult and be used by elder people.
by the way maddy is a lucky child.
So touching….aren’t you glad she is so like her mother? Not that a child like you would be bad
just this way is such a blessing…
Gave me chills….you’re a brave man Matt. Facing your memories of Liz and your love and actually embracing those memories and sharing them with Maddy is truely inspirational.
Sounds like a bittersweet, blissful kind of day.
How awesome! And I have to say, your daughter is an amazing lil one.
Peaceful night sleep.
E
Yet another beautiful post, pee-soaked jeans and all!
Hai Matt, hope you and Madeline are well…I am Chris from Jakarta, Indonesia. Last Sunday, I watched your story on Oprah…I’m completely sorry for your lost…May God gives you strength, blessings, and peace always…and say Hii to Princess Maddie from me..she is so adorable, beautiful, and really cute. Have a blessed day…& God Bless You…
just wanted to say thank you for my lovely postcard. i got it in the mail on thursday, and made an otherwise crap day into a good day. made me smile to see that in my mailbox. God bless you both, always!
I was looking through Wilco songs tonight and came upon “On and on and on” and had to listen to it, thinking about the post so many months ago about how this song made you think of Liz. I had to check out your blog just to check in and see what was going on with you… and here is the post about your first date. (sigh) Just makes me cry and smile all at once thinking about you and your daughter sharing a special moment together. It can’t bring Liz back but wow, you have a piece of that wonderful woman with you everyday. Just wish it could be her.
Nicely done. I’m grateful God gave you this little one to bring light and laughter to your life.
–Terrace Crawford
http://www.terracecrawford.com
http://www.twitter.com/terracecrawford
That’s a great story, Matt. Those memories last for ever.
And fortunately, your jeans will wash.
I failed to hold back the tears too.
My best to you and Madeline <3
WOW. what an amazing story and memory. I’m glad you have her to get you through as well. She seems like an amazing little girl and you an amazing father.
You amaze me!! When you said this:
and i did my
best to hold back
the tears
Tears started streaming down my face. You write so beautifully. You make me lose whatever state of mind I am currently in. You have a way of bringing your reader into your world instantly.
Take care.
beautiful Matt.
I think my favorite “dad” memory was my dad making 4 different batches of pancake mix, each one a different color- colored pancakes make a little girls dreams come true! That memory is burned into my brain. She too will have so much to look upon to know the fullness of your love.
Absolutely beautiful post, Matt! I had tears streaming down my cheeks after finishing reading this. My heart aches for and laughs with you & Maddie.
You’re doing an amazing job raising her:)
Love your posts, as usual! My daughter is almost 2 and she walks around saying “cocks” for socks…we can’t wait til she starts pronouncing it correctly….especially in public:)
Beautiful post as always Matt! Those instant warm moments always seem to create some memories lol.
Your ability to transport your reader and suck them in is amazing! Your words made me feel as if I was right there seeing it with my own eyes, and made me sob like a baby of course.
Keep on keeping on, you’re doing a brilliant job!
How do you do it? No matter how sore your heart is, you can get a smile and chuckle out of all of us. Awesome.
Isn’t it amazing how small children can melt away our anger, fear, worries, sadness? Your Madeline is truly a wonderful gift. I know…I have my own gift…Lindsay…born just a few days before Madeline was in ’08 (though I have to say, Madeline’s vocabulary is much more advanced! Probably because Lindsay is the 2nd child and well, more stubborn than words can express).
you are so great dad….i’m so happy for you, tace care.
Can I say how much I loved this post! The way you remember Liz and the way you treasure Maddy for who she is, what she is to you and the spirit that she brings to your life… it makes my heart melt. It is so utterly beautiful and heartwarming. Even the little things like peeing thru a diaper on your jeans…
Only a parent could see the love in it!