14 years ago.

today,

14 years ago,

a first date.

a couple of nervous kids,

(well, at least one).

dinner. a walk around

a museum. a movie

that became an

instant favorite.

and finally a stop at

a friend’s birthday party

to show off the

girl i only hoped

i’d be able

to keep around.

now, 14 years later,

i picked our daughter

up a little

earlier than usual,

and took her to

see her favorite movie

on the big screen

at a theater in hollywood.

and i watched her

as she watched it

with excitement,

and i did my

best to hold back

the tears

(i failed)

as she looked over at

me with the

same smile,

those same blue eyes.

and then i

smiled as she said,

“daddy. up!”

telling me that she

wanted to

sit on my lap.

and i laughed

when she reached

into the bucket,

grabbing one kernel of popcorn,

at a time,

shoving each one into

my mouth while yelling

out her rather

inappropriate pronunciation

(“cockcorn”).

and then i remembered

being in this

exact spot, watching

a different movie

a few years ago with

liz.

but the memory

was short lived,

because i felt my

legs getting warm,

the unmistakable feeling of

madeline’s diaper

leaking through

her jeans,

and into mine.

now soaked in

baby piss, i smiled again,

thankful for the

little girl who gets

me through these days.

179 Comments

  1. Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:05 pm | Permalink

    Your words no matter how long or short are always emotional. Things will get easier but they’ll never be easy. My mother passed away when I was 4 and now I’m 30 and till this day she remains the greatest love and loss of my father’s life. You and Maddy are in my prayers.

  2. T_Hubb
    Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:07 pm | Permalink

    You always manage to bring a tear to my eye!

  3. rebecca
    Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:07 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for sharing…..Maddie will really enjoy these when shes older.

  4. Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:09 pm | Permalink

    Madeline is so so lucky to have such a wonderful father.

  5. Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:10 pm | Permalink

    I cannot imagine what it feels like to have that kind of beautiful yet painful symetry. Thank God for Madeline indeed.

  6. Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:12 pm | Permalink

    this is really good stuff. like the way i didn’t want kids at all, but am consistently suckered into that sappy feeling of undying love every single time my son sleepwalks to my bed and kicks me all night, but sleeps with his arm thrown around me. i might not rest, but i am at peace.

  7. Kelsey
    Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:13 pm | Permalink

    Matt,

    I have never commented before, read frequently, just hide in the wood work. Haha. Your writing is so mesmerizing to me, I loved this post.

    -Kelsey

  8. alison
    Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:14 pm | Permalink

    beautiful

  9. em
    Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:26 pm | Permalink

    hard to imagine the kind of day where getting peed on ranks as one of the high points. sigh. xo

    ps: please tell me the “instant favorite” wasn’t Jerry Maguire. (In snob world, Matt:Music=Em:Movies) ;)

  10. Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:27 pm | Permalink

    She looks more and more like Liz every day. Minus the peeing on your legs, I hope.

    Liz would be proud.

    I can’t wait to read your book!

  11. Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:28 pm | Permalink

    Baby piss can get you through all manner of hard times…

    *hugs*

  12. Lisa
    Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:31 pm | Permalink

    You two are so sweet together. Baby piss, cockcorn and all. What movie did you see with Liz? And what movie did you take Madeline to?

  13. Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:35 pm | Permalink

    what a lovely moment to share with your beautiful daughter. wet diaper and all.

  14. Glenda in San Diego
    Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:36 pm | Permalink

    Beautiful post. Thank god you have Maddy. Enjoy every minute of every day.

  15. Cristi
    Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:42 pm | Permalink

    Bless you and your sweet daughter, even if you ended up with a wet lap!

  16. Gigi
    Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:50 pm | Permalink

    Oh Matt – the last line bought tears to my eyes. I was very upset today to learn that my dentist’s wife died of liver failure last year. It happened very suddenly. They have an infant son.

  17. Gwen
    Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:51 pm | Permalink

    What a nice way to mark an important anniversary. Great post. (You’re really becoming a wonderful writer!)

  18. Posted 1/26/2010 at 11:57 pm | Permalink

    Bitterly beautiful.

  19. Posted 1/27/2010 at 12:04 am | Permalink

    You’re so awesome!

  20. Posted 1/27/2010 at 12:04 am | Permalink

    I’m laughing and crying all at the same time. What a special day with Maddy. I wish Liz were here to enjoy it with you.

  21. Posted 1/27/2010 at 12:09 am | Permalink

    you don’t expect a post including babypiss and the word cockcorn to tug at your heartstrings, but there they go anyways.

  22. kathy in l.v.
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 12:10 am | Permalink

    beautiful, heartbreaking entry……glad to hear you’re getting thru the days. keep it up, you’re doing great!

  23. Posted 1/27/2010 at 12:24 am | Permalink

    LOVE it!

  24. Posted 1/27/2010 at 12:32 am | Permalink

    Nothing like getting peed on to make you feel better, eh? She was just trying to “warm” your heart. Bad pun.

    Another great post Matt, but then again, I wouldn’t expect anything less!

    PS-What movie did you take her to see?

  25. Dana
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 12:51 am | Permalink

    =) What is Maddie’s favorite movie?

  26. Gillian
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 12:54 am | Permalink

    Beautifully written Matt. I’m pleased that Madeline can offer you comfort each and every day.

  27. Posted 1/27/2010 at 12:57 am | Permalink

    madeline and i would have made good linguistic buddies. i had a special way of identifying every kenTUCKy fried chicken we drove past …

    i love reading that you are finding the joy within the heartache – thanks for the good example to follow.

  28. Posted 1/27/2010 at 1:00 am | Permalink

    Very sweet.

  29. Oly, WA gal
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 1:04 am | Permalink

    Matt, My heart just melts each time I read your latest log and see the newest pictures. I’m glad you and Madeline have each other: daddy ‘n maddy, maddy ‘n daddy. You both have captured the heart of the world. You’re our family too, and you’re loved more than you’ll ever know: we laugh with you, cry with you, and are in awe with you in watching Maddy grow, as well as watching you grow through this… You are amazing Matt. Continue to be kind to yourself and do what you need to do.
    Hugs

  30. Posted 1/27/2010 at 1:30 am | Permalink

    Ah, yes. I know that warm feeling well. Just about as well as I know the feeling of being carried along by such little people.

    Thanks for sharing this with us.
    ~C~

  31. joanna
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 1:58 am | Permalink

    aaahhhh matt!!! another beautiful post. BIG HUGS to you and the little lady!! nameste

  32. Antonia
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 2:45 am | Permalink

    Matt, I really appreciate you sharing these moments with us. I realize you write this blog for Maddy and your family, but it’s amazing how you let all of the rest of the world be a part of it too. I’m so thankful I can call you a friend

  33. Carly Hannah
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 2:46 am | Permalink

    Your posts seem to get me to smile no matter what mood i’m in. Thanks for that :) And thanks for being a great dad to your kid. The world needs more people like you.

  34. Posted 1/27/2010 at 3:30 am | Permalink

    What a beautiful story, no fun being peed on thou. I only started reading ur blog a few weeks ago I am hooked :)

  35. Posted 1/27/2010 at 3:45 am | Permalink

    Matt, sending you a virtual hug.
    That brought a tear to my eye and made me laugh too! Well written as usual. Nothing like pee to bring you back to reality!! Hope she enjoyed the movie and the ‘cockcorn’. You’ll have to practice her ‘puh’ sound with her!! Take care, D :-)

  36. Posted 1/27/2010 at 3:49 am | Permalink

    Matt, sending you a virtual hug.
    That brought a tear to my eye and made me laugh.
    Hope you both enjoyed the movie. Nothing like pee to bring you back to reality! Practice the ‘puh’ sound with her! D ;-)

  37. Jamie
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 4:01 am | Permalink

    Once again, moved to tears.

  38. Posted 1/27/2010 at 4:01 am | Permalink

    Sometimes a little baby piss is a welcome thing.

    *hugs* to you

  39. Posted 1/27/2010 at 4:53 am | Permalink

    your writing is so beautiful. i feel guilty for taking my husband for granted. he was pissed at me this morning for him not having any clean paintpants {paint contractor} and i got pissed right back. ugh! not a great way to start the day. thanks for putting me back in my place! much love and blessings~erin
    need to see new pic of maddie~ precious girl!

  40. Posted 1/27/2010 at 4:59 am | Permalink

    You are a seriously amazing writer. Where can I get in line for your book?! Please come to Powell’s in Portland for a reading and book signing!

    I really loved this blog entry. Your days and life must be filled with parallel moments just like this one. Sad and happy for you…but you should know you are kicking ass as a dad.

  41. Posted 1/27/2010 at 5:04 am | Permalink

    Not many have the chance to have a baby of that someone you love so deeply. It really must be hard for you, but Liz is not totally gone. She lives in your daughter too. This family is precious. ;)

  42. Posted 1/27/2010 at 5:17 am | Permalink

    Wow Matt, beautifully written as ever. Glad you have your gorgeous daughter to hold at these painful moments.

  43. Mike, Nancy & Little Man
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 5:26 am | Permalink

    Every time I read your blog, I always think of how lucky Maddy is to have a Daddy like you..and how lucky Liz is, that you love her so much, you continue to tell her stories to your daughter and to the world.

  44. Posted 1/27/2010 at 5:30 am | Permalink

    there’s nothing like sweet memories, whether they are happy or painful, especially when eventually brought back to “the now” by a lapful of pee in a public place.

  45. Posted 1/27/2010 at 5:31 am | Permalink

    thanks so much for the tears (just a little) and the laughter (big belly laughs) this morning! keep on keepin’ on!

  46. Posted 1/27/2010 at 5:37 am | Permalink

    Another amazing post by you. I’m so glad that you have Madeline to help you remember, but also to heal.

    *On the lighter side, getting pissed on has never sounded so beautiful. :)

  47. Posted 1/27/2010 at 5:40 am | Permalink

    Don’t ya just love it when those “super absorbancy” diapers fail? LOL Sounds like you and Maddy had a wonderful date! : )

  48. Posted 1/27/2010 at 5:56 am | Permalink

    awww. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when I read that Maddy’s diaper was leaking thru!!! :)

  49. Posted 1/27/2010 at 6:10 am | Permalink

    All kids could be so lucky to have a Daddy like you Matt…
    Each and every day – you continue to amaze me – even if you are an asshat sometimes…

  50. Barbi from PA
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 6:10 am | Permalink

    Ahh, It’s cool that you know all of these dates, my husband & I have been married for almost 16 years and he still doesn’t know by birthday, lol. Can’t wait to read your book, I love your writing.

  51. Angie from MN
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 6:21 am | Permalink

    This was a nice post. I think it’s sweet that you remember the day of your first date with Liz and then you took Madeline out. :)

  52. Page
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 6:27 am | Permalink

    I love cockcorn! My 2 year old, while eating a Papa John’s breadstick last week, kept yelling at the table “look at my dick, look at my dick!” I was laughing so hard I was crying. He starts speech therapy next week-I guess by the time they are almost 3, people don’t think these things are cute anymore.

  53. Posted 1/27/2010 at 6:47 am | Permalink

    There isn’t anything like baby pee all over to bring you back to reality.

    When my oldest (now 5.5) was Madeline’s age, her “t” sounded like “f”. Thus “firetruck” came out “firefuck”.

    Constant source of embarassment.

  54. Joyce
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 6:53 am | Permalink

    You are such a wonderful daddy to Maddy! Your words are always inspirational and I pray for your strength daily.

  55. Danielle
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 6:59 am | Permalink

    Ha I saw that someone asked if it was Jerry McGuire! Thats funny 11 yrs ago that was my husbands and my first movie we saw but only it was in his bedroom at his parents house! Love your post and I can not wait to read your book!

  56. paperdiva
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:03 am | Permalink

    What a beautiful day in your life. Great story.

  57. Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:08 am | Permalink

    Haha, how I don’t know how you manage and “aww” and an “eww” at the same time, but you do. Maybe that’s just life as a parent, eh?

    I’m so glad you do have Madeline. Because with her, you always have Liz too. :)

  58. Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:09 am | Permalink

    What a sweet tender moment… then broken up by the perfect little bit of reality.

  59. Nikki
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:09 am | Permalink

    She’s beautiful and undoubtedly lucky to have such an amazing father in her life. She’ll love this when she gets older. Can’t wait for the book, I hope it’s going well!

  60. Gaby
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:12 am | Permalink

    What a lovely post. Once again I have tears in my eyes. What a sweet and great great post. Liz would be proud.

  61. Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:21 am | Permalink

    amazing. she is so lucky to have you as her daddy. and such a sweet reminder of Liz – how much Maddie looks like her. gorgeous. my daughter is a month older then maddie and boy has she been leaking through some diapers recently too…you aren’t alone on that front! :)

  62. Steph in MN
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:25 am | Permalink

    Very sweet post Matt! You and Maddie are so darling, even with the baby piss. I do remember that happening on a number of occasions over the years. I remember my husband taking my daughter Abby to Lilo and Stitch, her first big movie at the theatre. Later, we would listen to the sound track, literally hundreds of times, driving back and forth to her chemo treatments. The music is all Elvis oriented and I still cry hearing it..sometimes I wonder if I can get past it, but okay, the tears help move u forward no matter how many times.

    Best

  63. Jill
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:27 am | Permalink

    Ahh…the “cockcorn”. Laughed right out loud again. I too am curious what movie you & Liz saw 14 years ago that became an instant favorite & what movie is Maddy’s favorite now.

  64. Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:31 am | Permalink

    Awesome…such an awesome post and such an awesome Daddy and Daughter combination. Love you guys!

  65. Lopez
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:37 am | Permalink

    I truly believe everyone has a life story worth telling. However, not everyone has the insight and expressiveness necessary to tell their story well. You do…which is why I continue to pop in to see how things are going in the life and times of Matt and Madeline.

    Take care

  66. Cassie
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:39 am | Permalink

    I’ve never commented, but I’ve been reading for a while. I love your writing. I love having tears and laughing at the same time. Maddy is only lucky girl.

    Can’t wait for your book!!

  67. Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:48 am | Permalink

    Can’t wait for your book!!

  68. Heidi S in Alberta
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:48 am | Permalink

    Wow…this post gave me shivers. Thank you so much Matt. Thinking of you and Maddy.

  69. Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:02 am | Permalink

    Kids have an uncanny ability to add a little twist to your plot!

  70. Julie
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:02 am | Permalink

    love it!!!

  71. Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:16 am | Permalink

    What a wonderful story and great memories!! That is too funny that she says “cockcorn.” Made me remember when my son was 2 he loved dinsosaurs. He couldn’t say the “saurs” part and called them “dinoWHORES.” Have a great week!!

  72. sue
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:26 am | Permalink

    from dusk till dawn?? twelve monkeys?? i think trainspotting came out around that time too. love them all!

  73. Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:30 am | Permalink

    Such precious memories.

    I have to laugh at her pronunciation. My friend’s daughter used to call gold fish, bullshit. It was hilarious when she walking into a Chinese restaurant and walked up to the fishtank and said (really loud), “hello, bullshit!”

  74. joyce
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:31 am | Permalink

    when my kids were little, truck was fuck so you can imagine the stares i got when they would yell, “look at the fuck!” you get through it, laugh about in later life, and then read that all the other parents have the same problem with words!!!!!! most of us will just laugh when we hear words like cockcorn because we’ve been there!!!!! Great post. keep up the good work with maddie and your writing.

  75. Marnie :)
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:40 am | Permalink

    that’s sweet. I have tears.

  76. Lindsay from Toronto
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:46 am | Permalink

    Bittersweet and just like the rest, moved to tears like always. Simply beautiful.

  77. maijken from oregon
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:49 am | Permalink

    Your writing is always so bittersweet. It makes me laugh and cry all at once. You’re definitely a gifted writer, even if you don’t think so.

    What movie did you and Liz see? And what movie did you take Maddie to? =)

    *hugs and love to you both*

  78. Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:49 am | Permalink

    Cockcorn. *snort*

  79. Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:51 am | Permalink

    Thats what she is there for. Those moments of heartache…. Pull daddy into the great moments of life with piss on your leg. Lucky we are to have such wonderful moments.

  80. Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:51 am | Permalink

    that was awesome

  81. Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:58 am | Permalink

    Ah, parental bliss at its finest!

  82. Sue
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 9:00 am | Permalink

    You ALWAYS say the words so perfectly, Matt!!!!!

  83. Posted 1/27/2010 at 9:04 am | Permalink

    beautiful. and sorry about the hard days.

  84. Liz
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 9:07 am | Permalink

    Matt,

    Beautiful words and yet again I am crying. I wish everyday that Maddie had her beautiful Mommy to share her favorites with! I know she will treasure you for all her years and you have been given a beautiful gift despite your tragedy. I can’t wait for your book! Thank you again for allowing us to share your ups and downs and all of the love you have for your little girl and her wonderful Mom.

    ~Liz

  85. Lisa from Mpls
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 9:08 am | Permalink

    This is one of your best postings yet. Thank you.

  86. Posted 1/27/2010 at 9:17 am | Permalink

    you are a great dad and she is an amazing baby. my prayers for more movies with her and lots of soaked jeans :)

  87. victoria
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 9:20 am | Permalink

    What a sweet and fun time for you and Madeline! Even if it was bittersweet :)

  88. Posted 1/27/2010 at 9:30 am | Permalink

    Kids make you cry big fat tears of joy even while they pee all over your only pair of clean jeans. That’s the way it is.

  89. Tonia
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 9:43 am | Permalink

    What a wonderful way to spend a day that could otherwise be very difficult.
    We have “cockcorn” in our house too and my 2 year old also wears her cocks (crocs) and she eats cock (cake). LOL!! Boy do I get the looks in the store.

  90. Posted 1/27/2010 at 9:46 am | Permalink

    Wow. You really have a way with words. Beautiful and powerful.

  91. Posted 1/27/2010 at 9:52 am | Permalink

    Can’t wait for your book, though I’m sure I’m going to be a slobbery, bawling pile as I read it.

  92. Posted 1/27/2010 at 10:06 am | Permalink

    I’m so glad you were able to spend the evening with your best girl. Piss and all.

    P.S. My son calls clocks “cocks”. We were taking Sissy to the doctor earlier this week and there was a huge clock in the waiting room. He kept yelling “COCK!” while the receptionist gave my the side eye.

  93. Bettina
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 10:09 am | Permalink

    She is lucky to have you. You are lucky to have her. Who is luckier to have whom? It seems like a toss-up to me.

  94. Posted 1/27/2010 at 10:11 am | Permalink

    Leave it to your children to help you keep it together and bring you back to reality eh? :)

  95. jm
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 10:16 am | Permalink

    Your words are powerful. I love your posts. Thank you for adding this. I check your blog daily and I can’t wait for your book! You both are lucky to have each other.

  96. Posted 1/27/2010 at 10:26 am | Permalink

    *sniff sniff

    Beautiful, Matt.

  97. Posted 1/27/2010 at 10:56 am | Permalink

    HAHA!! Peepee britches. : )

  98. cjinthemg
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 11:33 am | Permalink

    Along with the sadness, the humor….’cockcorn’
    When my daughter was about Madeline’s age we were walking through Target at Easter time. All the bunnys and duckys lined the shelves. She suddenly started blurting out, “*uckys, *uckys, I want a *ucky..”
    Hang in there man, you are doing awesome!

  99. Granny Rose
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 11:36 am | Permalink

    Loved the post. Maddy is such a sweet child.

  100. Posted 1/27/2010 at 11:37 am | Permalink

    Maddie is so lucky to have such an amazing father.

    I love your blog and check it daily. Stay strong, you’re doing a great job!!!

  101. Posted 1/27/2010 at 11:42 am | Permalink

    Oh how sweet. I’m glad Madeline helped you remember and celebrate.

  102. Posted 1/27/2010 at 11:44 am | Permalink

    That gave me chills. You have such an amazing ability to translate your memories and experiences and bring them together. Thank you.

  103. Sarah S
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 12:22 pm | Permalink

    Thinking about you, Matt. Maddy is as lucky to have you as you to have her.
    Sending you both much love,
    Sarah

  104. Rosann
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 12:27 pm | Permalink

    What a beautiful post, I can’t believe you still remember what date your first date was, I like alot of the other readers are wondering do you remember the movie you went to see? You and Liz had such a special bond and you can see that you are continuing that same bond with your daughter. She is getting so big and more beautiful as the months go by. Can’t wait to buy your book, keep up the great work with Maddy. Oh yea What was the movie you took Maddy to see?

    Rosann

    P.s. If all goes as planned only 5 days until Sophia’s first vacation and plane ride. We picked a long flight (5 hours) for her first journey. Wish us luck we are all so nervous.

  105. Posted 1/27/2010 at 12:54 pm | Permalink

    I love reading your beautiful words…..

    Sorry you had a hard day, so nice that you have your main girl to get you through them!!!

  106. Posted 1/27/2010 at 1:12 pm | Permalink

    You are an incredible soul. The strength of your Spirit is inspiring.

    and about the pee, haha. at least it was a seeping diaper of poo- ewww!

  107. tintin
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 1:52 pm | Permalink

    you’re really VERY GOOD with words… I wish I have the same talent to express how I feel everytime I see my baby…

  108. Posted 1/27/2010 at 1:55 pm | Permalink

    Bless you always!

  109. madeleine
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 2:51 pm | Permalink

    Lovely and perfectly succinct.

  110. Meg
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 2:57 pm | Permalink

    just so sweet.

  111. Brandi in Idaho
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 3:07 pm | Permalink

    can’t wait for the book!! your writing is amazing!!

  112. Katy
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 4:03 pm | Permalink

    With all the jetting around you guys do, and all the exciting things you’ve seen and experienced, it’s nice to know that you’re also making time for the simple experience of going to a movie together. Maddy will remember those times just as much as the jet-setting. You’re doing a great job of giving her balance.

  113. Gwen in the Illinois
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 4:05 pm | Permalink

    I am smiling through the tears. I hope you are too.

  114. Carol
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 6:21 pm | Permalink

    You are so lucky to have Maddy. Your words are full of hope.

  115. Asbhy07
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:27 pm | Permalink

    You are amazing Matt and so are your BEST GIRLS!!!

  116. Corinne Cooper
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 7:51 pm | Permalink

    my mom always says, “It is better to be pissed off that pissed on”, I think this might be the exception :)

  117. Posted 1/27/2010 at 8:53 pm | Permalink

    cockcorn! awesome!

  118. Lia in MN
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 9:40 pm | Permalink

    Glad to know that everyone experiences these things in life. “Cock-corn” is great, and I now will call it that myself… just like I still say “gi-huge-ic” (ginormous)from my nephew and “tootsie ralls” (tootsie rolls)from my neice. My sons best word was “comfor-full” (comfortable). I never had the diaper leak thank goodness, but I feel ya on the hard times in certain places!

  119. Debbie
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 10:38 pm | Permalink

    So sweet and sad!

  120. Layci in Texas
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 10:58 pm | Permalink

    I LOVE to read your new posts…even if they do make me cry! Another awesome post!

  121. Michelle W
    Posted 1/27/2010 at 11:39 pm | Permalink

    Okay, no pressure but when will I finally be able to curl up with your book and no longer have to come here every few days hoping for another post! :)

  122. Posted 1/28/2010 at 2:57 am | Permalink

    This is very poignant. Awww ….

  123. Annie from Oregon
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 3:45 am | Permalink

    Laughing through my tears Matt…sigh. Touching words and sweet memories. Your book will be a real treasure to me/us. Here is an idea: Maybe for one of your one-on-one times with Maddy you can airpop some kernels and let her see them Pop! Be ready to yell with her each time at the beginning…”Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!corn”.

    That was how my two girls learned to say it correctly. (But that wasn’t how they said it at first…lol) They really enjoyed the visual action and still love to eat popcorn. =o)

  124. Melanie Allen in SA
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 4:25 am | Permalink

    Cant wait for your book Matt!!!

  125. Posted 1/28/2010 at 4:51 am | Permalink

    love this. love Maddy.

  126. Jessica in PA
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 7:09 am | Permalink

    This made me smile so much! Nothing like cockcorn and pee:)
    Have a great day!

  127. Posted 1/28/2010 at 7:44 am | Permalink

    Only our babies can make us happy by peeing on us. Heh.

    She really is sweet, and I loved this post. :)

  128. Nichole in MN
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 7:52 am | Permalink

    you are awesome Matt….Liz is smiling down on you both~

  129. Posted 1/28/2010 at 8:44 am | Permalink

    It’s truly amazing how our kids bring us back into the present when we most want to stay around in the past. Your writing is poetry. Please keep it up.

  130. Posted 1/28/2010 at 8:59 am | Permalink

    yep been there done that, it sucks, just plain sucks. Can’t believe that this is how it is. Terrible, we both have the ultimate gift our partners gave us, but how sad we can’t share the gift with them. As I say, our daughters are our final gift. Thank goodness we have that gift. I was driving yet alone to another school meeting and silently weeping thinking, this is my job to continue what would have been “our” job. To follow through on what we had discussed when we decided to have children. To raise the best child we could. I am still holding up on my end of the deal. He would be proud. Matt you are holding up on your end of the deal too. Brilliant we are!

  131. DawnH
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 9:03 am | Permalink

    Another heart wrenching and heartwarming post. So bittersweet and beautiful! I am really looking forward to your book – 2011 is a long time away. Please keep blogging in the meantime!

  132. aawater
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 10:28 am | Permalink

    Love being in public with pee on my pants…never gets old! You, your writing, Maddy…everything..amazing!

  133. Posted 1/28/2010 at 10:52 am | Permalink

    Your words touch my heart! God Bless you and your beautiful little girl. You’re so strong and such a positive role model.

  134. Posted 1/28/2010 at 10:53 am | Permalink

    This was amazingly beautiful. I don’t know you but this touched my heart. Bless you and your family

  135. Kathy
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 10:58 am | Permalink

    I will not read your blog at work anymore!

    Crying & working do NOT mix! :(

  136. Megan
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 11:11 am | Permalink

    So touching. Such a great daddy!

  137. Posted 1/28/2010 at 11:22 am | Permalink

    i love me some “cockcorn!!” i’m sure the lil cutie pie will say all sorts of funny words as she gets older. this post was beautiful, funny, and heartbreaking all in one. you are a great writer. so sorry for the loss of your beautiful liz.

  138. Pam the Mn
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 1:31 pm | Permalink

    Beautiful.

  139. aprila
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 2:31 pm | Permalink

    I actually had a moment like that this morning. I was showing my 4 month old son a video of his daddy when he was still here. Of course, I started to cry. I couldn’t help it. I remembered. My son, seemingly oblivious suddenly needed a diaper change. It brought me back to the present. All I could do was smile at him. I completely agree with your thought that we have to be thankful for them, our little ones. How else would we make it through these days?

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts Matt. It really helps me to know I’m not the only one who has moments like this. It’s hard to find another new parent who is dealing with the same thing.

  140. Lance
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 3:26 pm | Permalink

    Sounds like a perfect circle there returning to where it all started.

    You must have another one of these amazing little creatures. The love is increased exponentially.

  141. ~Joi
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 6:01 pm | Permalink

    Soooo sad and soooo funny at the same time!!
    Maddy sure is a sweet little girl filled with sunshine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  142. Posted 1/28/2010 at 7:38 pm | Permalink

    I know you get hundreds of comments, and I’m not sure if you read ALL of them, but on the off chance that you do…this is what I want to say to you:

    You are an amazing Father and I’m sure you have been an amazing husband. The authenticity of living life in continued pursuit of not screwing it up is hard enough…let alone when you’ve gone through the things you’ve endured…and you’re doing it well! the authenticity part…not the screwing up part.

    I just wanted to say it’s pretty cool. Your good people. I’ll keep ya’ll in my prayers.

  143. Rebecca
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 7:56 pm | Permalink

    I’ve been visiting your site for a while but never commented. You write so beautifully, and I am indescribably sorry for your loss. Having recently experienced a death in my own life (a close friend) your words honestly help me get through the most difficult moments. Also, you are an amazing dad. I can’t possibly imagine doing all that you do on my own, but you are, and I can tell you’re doing it spectacularly. Maddie is so lucky to have such a great father. Wishing you all the best.

  144. Lynn
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 8:17 pm | Permalink

    Matt,
    I was linked to your blog through a friend of mine and have spent the last three or so hours, while waiting “patiently” for my own 2 year old to go to sleep reading, laughing and crying.
    I am sure that you hear this all the time; here’s one more.
    You have an amazing little girl, she is stunning and you are an amazing father and Liz is most definitely smiling down on the two of you now.
    Peace to you ~

  145. Posted 1/28/2010 at 8:35 pm | Permalink

    Beautiful post as always. Funny, sad, sweet…all in one. You really are amazing.

  146. Posted 1/28/2010 at 8:59 pm | Permalink

    Awwww, she’s getting so grown up these days (aside from the pee thing). Toddlers have a way of bringing us back down to earth, don’t they? They certainly limit the amount of time one has for introspection (I have twins, therefore no time for introspection) and I think that’s often a good thing. Had to laugh about the description of the sudden warmth on the leg. That happened to me 2 weeks ago, with my Maddie on my lap, on an 8 hr. flight. Awesome.

  147. Divya Reghunathan
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 9:13 pm | Permalink

    Oh My God! donno what to say.. So touching.. I just cant imagine how you must have felt that day. Buy little Maddy is there for you :)

  148. Posted 1/28/2010 at 10:00 pm | Permalink

    I never know what to say… I just want you to know I read, smile, cry, and care.

  149. natasha
    Posted 1/28/2010 at 11:47 pm | Permalink

    I don’t even know what to say. You are a very special person with a very special gift of recognizing and sharing such deep love. I know times are super hard sometimes, but please know that by you sharing this with all of us, we are all growing and feeling with you. I have been following you guys for a while and just so thankful that you, Liz and Maddy were put on this earth. You guys inspire me daily, make me laugh, cry and even get really pissed sometimes. No one I know effects me in this many ways. Thank you for sharing.

  150. hawkfeather
    Posted 1/29/2010 at 12:25 am | Permalink

    I think it is wonderful that one day Madeline will have the option of reading your words- allowing such a beautiful picture of her mother to form in her mind’s eye-

    Lots of love to you and Madeline Matt-

  151. Susie
    Posted 1/29/2010 at 8:33 am | Permalink

    I know you must be really busy with your travels and writing your book, but I really miss your updates and new pictures of Maddie. I check your website everyday (several times) to see how you are doing and what Maddie has done new. Please keep the posts coming.

  152. Jessica
    Posted 1/29/2010 at 8:52 am | Permalink

    I’ve been following your blog from almost the very beginning when the glamour blogger first introduced you. I’ve never posted anything before, but I was reading postsecret.com today as well, and one of them reminded me of you.

  153. Posted 1/29/2010 at 11:30 am | Permalink

    I loved this post Matt. So perfect! I am so glad you are able to enjoy Madeline so much and have her to help you get you through this time.

    I would love to know what movie it was that you saw with Liz. Hmmm, must have been ’96?

  154. Posted 1/29/2010 at 3:11 pm | Permalink

    You had me laughing …and then crying.
    Not many people can accomplish that all in one blog post.
    So glad you got to spend another special day with your special girl!

  155. Debbie
    Posted 1/29/2010 at 5:54 pm | Permalink

    Beautiful post as always. It is amazing how our little ones have a way of bringing us right back to reality. I’m sure Liz was smiling down on both of you that day.

  156. Posted 1/30/2010 at 9:41 pm | Permalink

    I knew this blog when i wacthing Oprah Winfrey Show. I’m touched about your life. You are inspiring me to doing something for other people.
    God bless you

  157. Posted 1/30/2010 at 10:00 pm | Permalink

    I was sad today. From my father’s death to the lack of participation of my mother and her pissy grandmother role. Lola, my 13 month old saw me cry. For the second time this week. Then she moves on in the attempt to make me laugh. Thankgoodness for our little girls. They are why we move on, keep breathing and smile till the end of the day.

    I am inspired by your writings. I enjoy reading them. Ant I think our kids look so much alike. Weird.

    Thank you dearly,
    Jennifer

  158. Posted 1/31/2010 at 5:12 am | Permalink

    hallo, i am mansyur from indonesia
    today i watch you on oprah show (i know its delayed to seen that tv show on my country).

    when i saw you on Oprah, its make me sad when you must protected your own child without mother. but you show how love of father to your daughter.

    you are grat father that i ever seen in the world. i hope you always spread love to the world. we need more father figure like you are….

    lots of of children in indonesia need love from parents figure, their lost their childhood and search money by their own.

    sometimes children in my country abuse by adult and be used by elder people.

    by the way maddy is a lucky child.

  159. Posted 1/31/2010 at 10:25 am | Permalink

    So touching….aren’t you glad she is so like her mother? Not that a child like you would be bad ;) just this way is such a blessing…

  160. Posted 1/31/2010 at 12:56 pm | Permalink

    Gave me chills….you’re a brave man Matt. Facing your memories of Liz and your love and actually embracing those memories and sharing them with Maddy is truely inspirational.

  161. Nikki
    Posted 1/31/2010 at 4:18 pm | Permalink

    Sounds like a bittersweet, blissful kind of day.

  162. Posted 1/31/2010 at 7:10 pm | Permalink

    How awesome! And I have to say, your daughter is an amazing lil one.
    Peaceful night sleep.
    E

  163. Posted 1/31/2010 at 9:39 pm | Permalink

    Yet another beautiful post, pee-soaked jeans and all!

  164. NawtyChris
    Posted 1/31/2010 at 9:43 pm | Permalink

    Hai Matt, hope you and Madeline are well…I am Chris from Jakarta, Indonesia. Last Sunday, I watched your story on Oprah…I’m completely sorry for your lost…May God gives you strength, blessings, and peace always…and say Hii to Princess Maddie from me..she is so adorable, beautiful, and really cute. Have a blessed day…& God Bless You…

  165. maijken from oregon
    Posted 2/1/2010 at 12:21 am | Permalink

    just wanted to say thank you for my lovely postcard. i got it in the mail on thursday, and made an otherwise crap day into a good day. made me smile to see that in my mailbox. God bless you both, always!

  166. Sarah Goible
    Posted 2/1/2010 at 12:50 am | Permalink

    I was looking through Wilco songs tonight and came upon “On and on and on” and had to listen to it, thinking about the post so many months ago about how this song made you think of Liz. I had to check out your blog just to check in and see what was going on with you… and here is the post about your first date. (sigh) Just makes me cry and smile all at once thinking about you and your daughter sharing a special moment together. It can’t bring Liz back but wow, you have a piece of that wonderful woman with you everyday. Just wish it could be her.

  167. Posted 2/1/2010 at 9:11 am | Permalink

    Nicely done. I’m grateful God gave you this little one to bring light and laughter to your life.

    –Terrace Crawford
    http://www.terracecrawford.com
    http://www.twitter.com/terracecrawford

  168. Posted 2/1/2010 at 11:20 am | Permalink

    That’s a great story, Matt. Those memories last for ever.

    And fortunately, your jeans will wash.

  169. Sarah S
    Posted 2/1/2010 at 1:24 pm | Permalink

    I failed to hold back the tears too.

    My best to you and Madeline <3

  170. Posted 2/2/2010 at 7:30 am | Permalink

    WOW. what an amazing story and memory. I’m glad you have her to get you through as well. She seems like an amazing little girl and you an amazing father.

  171. Posted 2/2/2010 at 3:09 pm | Permalink

    You amaze me!! When you said this:

    and i did my
    best to hold back
    the tears

    Tears started streaming down my face. You write so beautifully. You make me lose whatever state of mind I am currently in. You have a way of bringing your reader into your world instantly.

    Take care.

  172. Posted 2/3/2010 at 9:39 am | Permalink

    beautiful Matt.

    I think my favorite “dad” memory was my dad making 4 different batches of pancake mix, each one a different color- colored pancakes make a little girls dreams come true! That memory is burned into my brain. She too will have so much to look upon to know the fullness of your love.

  173. Dures
    Posted 2/4/2010 at 2:07 pm | Permalink

    Absolutely beautiful post, Matt! I had tears streaming down my cheeks after finishing reading this. My heart aches for and laughs with you & Maddie.
    You’re doing an amazing job raising her:)

  174. Lauren
    Posted 2/4/2010 at 11:42 pm | Permalink

    Love your posts, as usual! My daughter is almost 2 and she walks around saying “cocks” for socks…we can’t wait til she starts pronouncing it correctly….especially in public:)

  175. Posted 2/5/2010 at 12:32 am | Permalink

    Beautiful post as always Matt! Those instant warm moments always seem to create some memories lol.

    Your ability to transport your reader and suck them in is amazing! Your words made me feel as if I was right there seeing it with my own eyes, and made me sob like a baby of course.

    Keep on keeping on, you’re doing a brilliant job!

  176. Posted 2/5/2010 at 11:19 pm | Permalink

    How do you do it? No matter how sore your heart is, you can get a smile and chuckle out of all of us. Awesome.

  177. Lisa in STL
    Posted 2/10/2010 at 12:50 pm | Permalink

    Isn’t it amazing how small children can melt away our anger, fear, worries, sadness? Your Madeline is truly a wonderful gift. I know…I have my own gift…Lindsay…born just a few days before Madeline was in ’08 (though I have to say, Madeline’s vocabulary is much more advanced! Probably because Lindsay is the 2nd child and well, more stubborn than words can express). ;)

  178. niken
    Posted 2/11/2010 at 9:10 am | Permalink

    you are so great dad….i’m so happy for you, tace care.

  179. Lyne from NS, Canada
    Posted 2/15/2010 at 7:59 pm | Permalink

    Can I say how much I loved this post! The way you remember Liz and the way you treasure Maddy for who she is, what she is to you and the spirit that she brings to your life… it makes my heart melt. It is so utterly beautiful and heartwarming. Even the little things like peeing thru a diaper on your jeans… ;) Only a parent could see the love in it!

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