just how much
liz
hated jazz.
i can remember countless evenings…
she would
come home from
work, walk into the
house, hear the screeching,
free-jazz horns of
ayler or late coltrane or brotzmann or vandermark or evan parker
or any of the 700+
jazz records i own,
and (attempt) to
yell over the music,
“turn this shit off!”
but she didn’t just hate
the avant garde shit.
she hated it all.
that never stopped
me from playing it.
but i remember
that one day,
a day that i will
never forget,
when she said to me,
“i really, really like this song.”
i paused the
song and said,
“excuse me?”
she looked at
me with that smirk
that said she
was guilty of something
(i now see that same smirk on maddy’s face every time i catch her coloring on something she shouldn’t be).
“yeah, i know. but i really do like this song.”
i’d been working on
her for 12+ years,
and here it was,
nine days before
she died,
that i actually got
through to her.
we listened to
that song quite a
few times
over the next
nine days.
and when it came
time to
choose music for
her funeral,
i made sure that
this song made the playlist.
why do i write
this today?
because the song
came through
the speakers of my
car minutes after
i dropped maddy
off at daycare.
i haven’t heard it
in at least a
year, but i haven’t
really heard it
since that saturday in march.
that day,
it reminded me
of all of this,
and it made me
appreciate the fact
that we were so different.
and today, stuck behind
the highway patrol car
on the 5 and
then the 134,
i remembered everything
again, and i smiled.
fuck.
i love this song.
85 Comments
Awww, Matt.
so glad this memory brought you a smile.
I like that song too, but I am a jazz lover. Thank you for posting it and your story
I’m happy to hear Liz finally came around even just a little and now you have this to cherish!
I’ve been sitting here trying to think of some profound comment I could leave, but mostly I’m just happy that you had a lovely memory that made you happy:)
It’s the little things, such as the one jazz song she liked, that maddy will cherish when she’s older. (In addition to your beautiful journal entries.) I’ve been reading your blog, ever since you appeared in people magazine, and I have to admit, I’ve often been touched by the honesty of your words.
Know that there are people who care about you, and Maddy.
Reading your entries makes me appreciate my husband more and I thank you for that.
It’ll get easier, in time. Keep up the good work with Maddy and we’re all here for you!
I’m looking forward to reading your book, so get it done already!
Love from Michigan.
oh, and i just listened to the song. it’s a good one to like. had never heard it before. thank you for sharing.
beautiful as always…
I love that you remember all the moments we usually take for granted. Maddy will love your memories of her mother!
I’m glad the song made you smile today.
I don’t really like jazz either ~ except for Dave Brubeck’s Take Five and this song reminded me of that. I liked it.
Beautiful. I love your blog.
I hate jazz, too. Loathe it.
I have to admit, though…that song wasn’t so bad.
*On a side note, I think you should hang out with my husband. He loves jazz, too.
Your words and memories keep Liz alive.
this makes me smile:(i now see that same smirk on maddy’s face every time i catch her coloring on something she shouldn’t be).
You rock! You are AWESOME!
hang in there!!!
“When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure…”
I don’t like jazz either. Liz was a smart woman!
I’m glad it made you smile.
(I really, REALLY dislike jazz. Hate it. No matter what kind.)
Smiling is better than crying.
IMPROVEMENT MATTY!
I don’t normally listen to jazz, but this song is nice. And truthfully, a lot of what makes music enjoyable for me is having a story to associate it with. Thanks for sharing your story.
Beautiful memory. I’m glad it made you smile.
That brings tears to my eyes. I don’t know why, because I’m not even a crier.
I’m not big on the jazz but happy to hear that it made you smile.
I think the coloring smirk thing is adorable, mine does it too and then says…oh no like it’s me that did the coloring. WTF?
I love stories of Liz’s personality.. it made me smile as well with the comparison between Liz and Maddy.
What a great memory of her, thank you for sharing. Keep smiling… take care.
When my husband plays his music (I don’t like much of it) it’s all just noise to me. I couldn’t pick out one song from another because I barely hear it anymore. I just tune it out and don’t pay attention. What I love about this story is that Liz obviously still listened to your music and then she found something she liked. It’s nice. Maybe I should pay more attention….
Sorry for my ignorance, but whose song is this? I really liked it.
Love to hear the stories about Liz. I so glad hearing this song made you smile!! I can imagine it’s still very hard everyday.
PS – I don’t like Jazz to much either! But that song was…..eehhhhhh…OK!!
that is a sweet story/moment you two shared!!
i love that madeline has the same guilty smirk on her face that is all liz’s!!
what song is this? not a jazz lover but love this song !
Funny how one little tune can flood your mind and heart with memories ey? Love it! Thanks for sharing these memories Matt
I’m not a fan of this stuff either, but I actually like this song.
That’s the kind of stuff I love about most about my life/wife but would never have written it so perfectly. Thanks for sharing once again and calling to attention the small Beauties In The Everyday.
BITE life!
David D.
I LOVE Jazz…because of my husband. I am sure Liz was on her way, because of you! Great post..and remember, it’s ok to smile
Great memory, so glad it made you smile
It made us smile too!!!
Love the song, what is the name of it?
Not a fan of the song (I tend to agree with Liz’ overall assessment of jazz) but love love love your story about it.
Beautiful. Im teary eyed.
Hugs to you, Matt………………….
Beautiful post Matt! So glad that memories like these make you smile these days! Love that Maddy has the same smirk as Liz… you will cherish them all! Thanks for sharing!
What a special memory. I’m so glad it made you smile.
Damn, that is some good jazz. My husband and I are at an impasse-I love jazz, he can’t stand it. Strange to consider that progressive rock and jazz really aren’t that far off.
Thanks for sharing the story. It is cool that you got through to Liz with this one.
What a sweet memory… Thanks for sharing this, Matt.
Made me cry.
She loved it because she loved you.
Hmmmm…not really a jazz fan either. You have a remarkable way of transferring your memories to writings. It was as if I witnessed that whole conversation myself. So glad you got a smile and thanks for sharing!
What a beautiful memory. Thanks for sharing it with us.
may be liz’s way of telling you that she’s there with you and maddie….angels touch us when we least expect it.
Good memory!
Liz was a smart woman…she and I shared a lot of the same likes and dislikes in music. I’m SO NOT a Jazz girl. Your story made me laugh, because so much of what my husband listens to is shit to me. I always say “What is this shit?” and he’ll tell me and then I tell him to turn it off.
What a good memory…someone else said it and I agree…she loved it because she loved you. 
Liz must be one of the lucky women to have a husband like you … beautiful! both of you…, I mean three of you
Im sorry for your loss Matt. I took the time to listen and will agree with Liz, that was a great song!
The song sounded like the music they play on the Ocean’s movies. I like it!
until you mentioned it, I didn’t realize how quickly music can bring back memories. it’s a powerful thing.
I’m so glad a Liz memory brought you a smile!
I know this is not even a decent comparison but my best friend passed away when she was 31 due to the effects of ovarian cancer. She was the life of the party (and sidenote: I’m still really pissed off that she is not here anymore, five years later) and yet every time all our friends would discuss memories of her we would always end up laughing hysterically and then be in tears… something she would never want. I still remember when a few of us were talking, eighteen months after she had left us, and we were laughing so hard over a memory of her and we didn’t start crying. It was surreal, lovely, sad and everything in between but it was a great gift… that we could think of her and not just end up sad that she wasn’t here with us anymore but be happy with the memories she left us with. I’m a firm believer that somehow, she was there with us that day…. smiling and laughing and so happy that a wonderful memory of her didn’t make us cry.
I’m happy you had a moment that simply just made you smile.
Music has always had the ability to send us back in time to special moments and sometimes that makes those moments bittersweet.
I am not a fan of jazz either but I agree with Liz! That was a good tune!
I’ve been reading your blog for only a month or so, and gosh…I’m touched (and sometimes overwhelmed) every single time I come here. That you are getting through this is awesome, Matt. Your daughter is extremely lucky to have you, all things considered. Thanks for sharing everything. It helps me appreciate life more, for we never know when we or someone we love will be called home.
Matt,
I would love to know the name of this song as well.
And, as always, the love that exists between you and Liz is immensely prevalent and will always endure!
I like that song as well. I’m glad that you are finally getting a smile out of those memories!
one more time, speechless and with tears in my eyes…
Chills….what a wonderful memory to keep with you.
Hi Matt and Maddie! I listened to your jazz link with my eyes closed…thank u! Someone I’m married to told me he hated The Hold Steady, deeply offended, guess he won’t go to the shows with me then…ha..I also listened to the new GSH…he was the buzz when I worked in college radio in 80′s (ouch) and I’m glad u reminded me. I listened to the whole thing this morning…really nice…I even sent the link to one of the fatherinlaw’s, in his mid 70′s, I thought he’d like, reminds me of Ted Hawkins a bit. All the best, cute pics of Maddie at the park as well! I think someone is doing a very good job!
Best,
Such a wonderful memory!
Thanks for sharing.
Maddy will love you for all the memories..this was just beautiful!! thank you for sharing it with us all!!
e
A wonderful memory!
I can see why she hated jazz. That song (if you can call it a song) sucked ass.
Yeah… differences are awesome. They keep things more frustrating and a lot more fun. I hope that Maddy keeps developing her own little personality in a direction that’s different enough from yours that it keeps you on your toes and keeps surprising you for the rest of your life! Oh, and I hate to say this, but I’m with Liz on this one… Jazz makes me nervous… not a fan at all.
Oh – and btw… loved Maddy’s beer force feeding session. She’s a very funny kid!
Asalamu Alaykom Mr. Matt,
That is why we all listen to the radio. We are all waiting for that song—whatever song it is that transports us off the highway and into our past.
These days, I’m listening to Nile FM, which you can actually hear live stream on the computer: http://www.nilefmonline.com/ You’d think that nothing from here would take me back there—to the U.S. and to my past. But, sure enough, the DJ played, “How Bizarre” the other day and I went all the way back to my big boy’s days in utero.
You can either love that moment in the wayback machine or you can hate it. I’m glad you loved it. I listened to and thanks for sharing
I hate jazz and I liked that one, too.
Liz was my kind of gal.
I love this post. Love how you picked this little piece out from a moment.
I hate jazz too but always said something might come along to change my mind. (it hasn’t yet)
I sort of agree with LIz. Jazz can suck,only cuz it can be depressing. But it can be cool It really depends on the mood, the time, the day… everything. This song she loved? I see why. Very upbeat. Very Liz. Very Cool. Hugs.
Awww man…go Liz! And Go Matt..it took you a while but you wore her down! What a fantastic and complex song for your girl to fall in love with
That song reminds me of lovers who have hellacious rows just so they can “make up” later
bow-chicka-bow-wow
I just got so excited. My husband and I have a similar jazz fight. I thought this was going to be my breakthrough too. Nope, still don’t like it. But I am so happy that Liz did! It’s a great reminder that you had your own likes and dislikes but were able to appreciate so much about each other. I like that.
hi matt. I watched to you in the rachael ray show. I’m from turkey. and Im 17 years old. my father died when I was 4 years old. First I congratulate to you. and you are very lucky because you have a very beautiful daughter..
and dont forget ‘ We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars… ‘
good luck for
everything…
hi matt, have been reading your blog for a week now. saw our story on the magazine here in australia. love the way u write your blog.u have the strength i admire…im so addict to our blog that i refuse to sleep at night.i really should have coz i have a 8months old son. and i cant believe how much little maddy looks like her mother!!!coz usually gals should look like their daddy more. but oh well, my son doesn’t look like me too.(looks like his dad, but in theory he should look more like me!!)
and i have to agree with liz,coz i don’t like jazzzzz…:) take care!i will cont read our blog coz im only up to 2008′s aug…
oh and i have to say, our daughter is sosososososo pretty. u dress her so well!u’ve got pretty good fashion sense!!!!
My husband introduced me to jazz 10+ years ago when we met, and I fell in love with it.
Love this song; it sounds familiar but I can’t put my finger on who it is. So here you have another request to clue us in.
Beautiful post.
I love that music, like smells, take you instantly back to moments you may not have thought you’d ever remember.
thank you for sharing matt. music is definitely a slideshow to our lives. no matter where you are or what you are doing, just hearing a song can take you back to that moment in time and replay the reel in your head and in your heart… what it meant to you, and every single emotion that comes flooding with it. what power it holds.
That’s a great memory. Music is such a powerful reminder of people because of the strong emotional pull it has on us. Jazz gets a bad rap because you really have to immerse yourself into it and to really appreciate it, and know people who have some early stuff before fusion, because all of that is gold!
Is this Coltraine? Coleman? Too structured for Sun Ra, but definitely in that realm.
Hi Matt, I never commented on here before, but have followed your story since your little one was just an newborn infant practically. There is so many things I like about your site. I love that you travel, because I’m afraid to fly. And for that I’ll never see much. But you bring me the most awesome pictures that I can view.
First let me say, that Maddie looks so much like her mom. Wow, its scary. But the real reason I finally decided to comment was…I’m a music lover, and I love jazz. I totally get into the instruments and with jazz its like the story in the song is hidden. Thats what I love about jazz. I never heard that song though and listened to it. And the song actually told your story.
The song starts out with a certain bit of music with all types of different peices, (like you and her life together) and then it changes dramatically in the middle, like the music changes drastically almost…like there is a tragedy. (like her death) but then, the song goes back to the same as it was in the beginning, as if to say, (living with Maddie you will relive me (Liz) all over again, not the same but similiarly) I really picked up on that. The song, actually tells your story. And what is the title of that song?
the beginning sounds like Morphine…
I am happy for you that your memories are starting to make you smile.
) but I downloaded.
)
Thanks for the song – I haven’t listened yet because I’m about to go watch the Super Bowl (sorry about my Saints beating your Vikings
Commenters – it’s called “Lugano,” by the Steve Reid Ensemble. (I’m not a music genius – it says that in the file properties.
Do you realize what you’ve just done? Every time a country song plays I’m going to turn to my husband, “DO YOU LIKE THIS ONE!!?! no? WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE!?!!” Searching for that one country song that I will be able to hang on to when I know he can’t stand country. This was really sweet.
just have to comment on your last tweet (sorry to do it here, but i am not a tweeter!)……i laughed out loud at that one! i always ask my husband when we go to menards or home depot, “can i please go up to that guy and say, excuse me, can you please show me your caulk?” ahahahaha!!! crack myself up. of course i have never done it, but it does make me laugh every time we go to those stores!
How sweet ! It’s a sign that she is smiling down on you and Maddy !! I love when I hear a song that reminds me of a loved one..it let’s me know they are still there tucked away in my heart !
Matt –
Been following for a while and have eagerly been watching Maddy grow like a weed; it has been a lot of fun watching her milestones as my own daughter goes through the same stages (they’re just a month apart in age).
More than anything, it’s been mind-blowing that you’ve been so open and honest in sharing your grief, your healing, your insecurities, your personal growth as a father and as a human being with us all.
It reminds me to tuck all these little moments with my own family away the best I can..and to take more pictures and to listen to more music and to get out there and live life, and to not be afraid to drop a few f-bombs every now and then.
Thank you!
I love how many things can remind you of just one moment in your life. Music can really make a moment something else and change your mood… It takes you back to a special time and (usually) a special person. You are lucky you had that moment in your car and that the song will always bring a smile to your face. thanks for sharing.