i wrote something
back in nov. 2009
when we were
in nepal.
it’s been on the
blog since then, it’s
just been sort of hidden.
(yeah…there are some easter eggs on my blog).
some of you
found it, but now
that i’m further
away from the moment,
i figured
everyone else may as
well see it.
i haven’t read it,
and i don’t remember
all of the
words that i wrote,
but i know
it’s about death,
so you may want to
avoid it.
fuck.
i don’t know.
maybe you’ll want to
read it.
hope that’s sufficient warning.
do what you will.
62 Comments
That made my heart hurt in little ways that I never expected.
And it was beautiful.
This was as difficult to read as it was when I found it back in November.
Lovely, the way you have with words, though.
Are you okay? You’re up late, thinking about Nepal, death.
@Melissa
actually, i’m doing really well at the moment. so well in fact, that i thought it was okay to post this on the main section of the blog.
i can’t sleep so i’m up, working on my book.
and for some reason was thinking about that moment in nepal.
but thanks for asking.
Ashes to ashes … dust to dust.
Great writing, Matt. The hardest decision of your life?
I could almost ‘see’ it happening. Hauntingly beautiful.
@Matt @Melissa
Glad you’re doing well. Your response reminds me of how I purposely asked my boyfriend for tips on how to break him out of a bad mood while we were both in really good moods. Somehow that seemed logical, you know?
Thanks for revealing this Easter egg, Matt.
that was gorgeous. thanks for sharing it out loud with us, after the fact. i admire you for these posts, i really do.
It’s sometimes strange the journey a person’s body and soul takes to heal. Your girls (Liz and Maddy) are lucky to have you, as you are to have them.
I wish I could have breathed in my husbands smoke. Maybe it would have filled in this hole I feel. Our culture really sucks at helping grieving people.
Wow. Remember when we had the conversation about why your writing was so powerful, and the other conversation about why people approached you?.. It’s because you are real.. What you put out there is you. This is your life. You are a regular guy with a hell of a way of expressing yourself!
You make me miss Liz. I never met her, but I wish she was still here.
I read it first time when you posted it, but reading it again still caused goosebumps I had not expected.
Your words always seem to trap me. Hard to explain, but it’s not a bad thing.
Haunting and beautiful.
I find myself conflicted.
I’m sure that the ceremony on the pyre helps people find closure and separate the spirit of the person from their now deceased body, but it would be so difficult to watch. Almost like losing them again.
Matt, this is absolutely beautiful. You have such a gift with words. Thank you for being real and vulnerable. Liz and Madeline are blessed to have you!
I had read this a couple of months back, still very profound. You are an amazing writer.
It’s beautiful, Matt.
An incredibly powerful piece of writing.
Thank you. Sometimes when I think about The Dead Guy, I just have no words and when that happens, I come here. Because you have the words that are screaming in my head. And somehow, seeing them on paper makes them quiet down for a little bit. It’s beautiful.
You’re amazing. You took me there, as I read your words I traveled. I was standing right next to you, crying silent tears.
This post moved me. Beautifully written.
I’m so grateful you shared this moment with us.
You are an amazing writer. So real and unpretentious. For my own reasons everything you write touches me. Thank you for sharing your life and the amazing pics of Maddie! I can not hardly wait for the book.
PS I have a 16 year old son who is a very deep and sometimes dark writer also and he was wondering how come you write in this format on your blog? He was just curious. Yes. He reads it as well.
I remember the first time I found this Easter egg. It was so raw and real as it was today when I read it. Very powerful and moving.
Now, I wish I could find some more Easter eggs.
Asalamu Alaykom Mr. Matt,
Breath is life. For you to become conscious of your own breath is for you to become conscious of your own life. Those who are chosing to be disastified with the sights and smells are stopping the flow of air and stopping the flow of life…and death.
You know that Islam doesn’t go for cremation. Regardless, I can respect the ritual to cleanse the body. We do it with water instead of fire, but it’s the same thing.
Funny that you call it an “Easter egg”. I know it’s a cinematic term. But, Easter is resurrection; life after death. You gave that man a second life by giving him room here on your blog. He lives anew…just as Liz does in a way. Good writing does that–and you are a good writer.
Keep breathing.
There’s easter eggs? How? What? Where?
That’s a smell that follows you into the weirdest crevices of your life.
And it doesnt always carry the same memory, no matter if you’ve only smelled it once.
Thank you for sharing. I am always awe struck by your writing. You say things so eloquently and gives us many things to think about. I am glad you were able to share this.
Thank you, for sharing this piece of your soul with us. It moved me to tears.
WOW!
I have no words.
It is as beautiful today as the day I read it. I hope that day,and every day since, has brought you peace.
It’s beautiful, Matt-made me cry but in a good way. It’s so awesome to hear that you’re doing well! And it was great to see the new pictures of Maddy-I can tell that this sweet girl of yours is going to be such a cool interesting person!
Thanks for sharing this.
Amazing as always.
When I read this again, it’s even more amazing… Take care.
I actually took a deep breath in and deep breath out. Dont know if I have actually posted here before but this really moved me. Thank you. Much love to you and your beautiful baby girl.
That may be one of the most beautiful, haunting, real things I’ve read. I read it over and over and let it wash over me, and it made me think of so so many things, and made me feel things I haven’t let myself feel in a long, long time. Thank you so much for sharing.
Wow…simply, wow.
wow!!! your words transfixed me and blew me away.we all fear death but we will all die. it’s a truth many of us try to avoid i myself included. as i’m getting older i am reminded of my time on this earth grows a little shorter with each passing day but watching my son grow up from a baby now toddler reminds me life DOES continue. nameste matt!!!
hope you are well …
I remember stumbling across this when you first posted in November and being blown away. I have now read this several times again in the last few days and it has really stayed with me. Your words are so powerful in conveying the images. I get very emotional each time I read it and I can only imagine what that experience was like for you to see first hand. The breathing in of someone really touches me. Much love to you and Maddy and I can’t wait for your book.
oh my. amazingly beautiful.
I read it when you wrote it and I’ve read it several times since then. It haunted me. I knew that’s what you were talking about when I first read this post.
Hi Matt, I hope you and Maddie are doing well. My gosh she is getting so big and more beautiful. Anyways i’m writing to you because i was looking for t shirts for my son and soon to be 2nd son and found this cute t-shirt that i thought you’d like. I sure got a kick out of it just because i know how much you like robots
Here’s the link:
http://images.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://www.clevercuties.com/myimages/products/family/robotLittleBrother_sm.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.clevercuties.com/shopdisplayproducts.asp%3Fid%3D20%26cat%3DFamily&usg=__aEGytN3CcL21ylq5GH4AmP31OwE=&h=150&w=150&sz=5&hl=en&start=165&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=HXPfunpo7RRUtM:&tbnh=96&tbnw=96&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dbig%2Bbrother%2Blittle%2Bbrother%2Bt-shirts%26ndsp%3D21%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1T4GGLL_enCA359CA359%26sa%3DN%26start%3D147%26um%3D1
ok, well that link didn’t direct you to the picture…weird…but here’s the pic and the t shirt is on that website
[img]http://www.clevercuties.com/myimages/products/Math/dadwantedrobot.jpg[/img]
I found this when you originally posted and I was speechless. Still am.
Your writing is so powerful and moving because you are able to recapture the emotions and transport your readers back with you to experience what you did.
I humbly thank you for sharing.
I don’t believe in miracles per se (where was yours?) I believe that life and death are arbitrary. However, I will tell you this. It was not until I became a grandparent that I really understood the full circle of life. I never noticed it when I was a young parent, but when I watch my grandchildren with different eyes I see much more. I see my father’s mannerisim’s in my grandson who never met him. I see my mother very clearly in my granddaughter’s gait and deep inside her eyes. By parents did not live long enough to meet these young children, but they are most assuredly still here. You, my dear, watch your daughter in the way most parents don’t…with this wisdom. I will think of you every day.
I have read you blog for a long while now and i thought it was time to say thank you for sharing your story. It have been some of a comfort loosing my mother and it have given me times with lot of tears but also alot of laughter. Keep up writing and i look forward to reading your book.
(sorry if the gramma and the spelling isnt the best)
Matt,
I can’t begin to tell you how much I enjoy your blog. Through your words you say things about loss that some of us only think. Not everyone can handle the words we need to say.
Thank you for sharing. I can’t wait for your book. Maddie is a-d-o-r-a-b-l-e!!!
Dear Matt,
I found this blog a while back when I was trying to deal with a bit of personal sadness. I was broken and your story broke my heart again, filled it up, and in a strange way helped me heal. Thank you.
Through everything in my life I have had two little mantras that keep me sane and help me through… ‘just breathe’ and ‘this too shall pass’. And as I read your thoughts, and look at your pictures and smile along with the rest of the world at your beautiful little girl… I wonder if you are healing. If you are allowing yourself to heal.
You deserve it so much.
It has been awhile since I posted a comment. Today however, I am. I am still here, basically read you every single day- I enjoy your little posts through your tweets and pictures of Maddie. You need to really really know Matt that there are hundreds of us, maybe thousands, who are silent on your sidelines just letting you live your life and so grateful you share it with us. It is a strange kinda one way relationship we have here. I laugh with you two and smile at Minnesota sledding adventures- and really grin when Maddie does the Maddie-0 look with her sunglasses. I would not hesitate in hugging both of you if our paths ever crossed and I am absolutely sure our conversation would sound like we really knew each other—yet, we don’t. Does that ever feel strange to you- that people know you and you don’t know them. Guess that is what being a writer involves.
Ok- i have had my profound moment.
bye for now
Amazing Matt! The images that you paint with your words are stunning. It takes a lot to make me cry, but somehow you manage to get me quite often, both happy tears and pure, honest emotion. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, you’ve affected so many lives in a positive way.
Any word yet on when your book will be out? Can’t wait to read it!!
Dear Matt:
Very powerful post.
I often think of Liz’s mom, dad and sister. I cry and laugh for them too, when I read your words.
Thank you for sharing
Hi Matt, I have been following your blog for awhile now, and I am just in awww of you. The love you shared with your wife and still share is just amazing. I wanted to make a suggesting for your next book or even just a blog post. I know you have started a foundation that helps parents that have lost a spouse. I just thought it would also be great to address how to prepare for the what ifs. What things could or should have been done to make it easier on the parent left to raise their children alone. Sort of a prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
Wow… always amazing…
Hi Matt, My name is Noelia and today is the first time I visit your blog. Unfortunetlly I chose a really bad time, since I am at work and in a couple of minutes someone will notice I am crying. I plan on visiting you blog everyday now and find your story inspiring. I just wish I could hug you.
Read it when you first wrote it and cried then. Read it just now…that’s right. Tears. You’re a pretty amazing writer Matt. You just seem to pour emotion onto the page. Guess it’s because the pain is still fairly new and raw. Btw, your photography ain’t half bad either.
lol Have a good one!
I really don’t know what to say other than thank you.
I did read this back when you wrote it, and I’ve bookmarked it and printed it out, and sent the link to several people since, then – including a friend who is currently visiting India (for the 4th time – she’s in love with the place and the people), and who lost both her parents over a short period of time.
Our culture here in North America doesn’t do well with grieving.
This is one of the most wrenching and beautiful things I’ve ever read.
Hello Matt,
I’ve followed your blog here and there ever since I saw you on Oprah. I’m living in Melbourne, Australia. I read your Nepal post fascinated- when my father died I was only 16, my brother 9-coming from a chinese background, we cremated him (though we didn’t have to watch) we did conduct a ceremony where we picked through the ashes and selected parts of bone that weren’t all ash, to place in the urn. It was horrifying at the time, and my brother being the son, had to do this first, at only 9! However the ceremony and the 5 day wake (his body lay in my home) allowed us to grieve, sob yet feel physically connected to him- I believe it helped. I still enjoy the moments when I sob for him (14yrs later) because it brings him closer somehow. We are so afriad of death in much of the western world. Thank you for your raw writing, and being brave enough to return to Nepal.
Regards, Rebecca
It has been awhile since I have been on your blog. When I last wrote you I probably had 5 followers tops. I just wanted to tell you that you still write beautifully and I am adding you to my blog roll. You have inspired me and others in more ways than you will ever know.
Hope you are well, my friend. Great to follow your journey.
By the way, I love a good egg hunt!
–Terrace Crawford
http://www.terracecrawford.com
http://www.twitter.com/terracecrawford
Congrats, bro. I lost my wife about 2.5 years ago & took a lot of heat when I started dating someone. People do expect you to be alone for the rest of your life, but it’s only because they don’t want to face their pain. Seeing you with someone else forces people to face reality & that’s not what they want to do. They don’t realize that we have to live our lives without our wives every second of every day, and they get to pick & choose when they live it. It’s an unfair double-standard. As long as you understand where they’re coming from (no matter how selfish they’re being) then you can learn to ignore them. I have distanced myself from those “unhealthy” types and am much happier now (and married, too!).
Good luck & God bless!
Congrats, bro. I lost my wife about 2.5 years ago & took a lot of heat when I started dating someone. People do expect you to be alone for the rest of your life, but it’s only because they don’t want to face their pain. Seeing you with someone else forces people to face reality & that’s not what they want to do. They don’t realize that we have to live our lives without our wives every second of every day, and they get to pick & choose when they live it. It’s an unfair double-standard. As long as you understand where they’re coming from (no matter how selfish they’re being) then you can learn to ignore them. I have distanced myself from those “unhealthy” types and am much happier now (and married, too!).
Good luck & God bless!