it’s not that
cold out here, early march,
sunset,
heat lamps off,
the tables empty,
except for the rolled up
silver, and the candles
flickering for no one.
inside they talk
over the
songs of a shitty era.
out here, just me,
thinking that it’s
okay to be sitting
out here alone,
listening to the
incesant noise of the
wheels on the pavement,
and, at regular intervals,
what sounds like
an elephant blowing it’s trumpet,
while i read words
that have left me
feeling, well, inferior,
thanks to my
much (self) maligned
inability to write
the kind of abstractions
that would leave me penniless.
but then i think of
what i just heard,
another one,
fourty four (or was it forty six?).
whatever the number,
it’s too early.
and alone is just
how she must feel tonight,
out there in her
apartment, colder than
the coldest winter
anyone has experienced,
but arguablly as cold
as the one i
experienced almost two
years ago,
a lifetime ago,
seconds ago.
out here,
my intent tonight
was to step away from
this, to clear my head for
the next few weeks,
but here i am,
writing instead of reading,
crying instead of thinking,
and now
thinking of someone
i’ve never met,
worried about how
she’ll get through
this cold.
time to bury
my face in this book…
the words i read
less than a minute
after doing so?
“No one I loved had died for almost two years.”
out here,
it’s colder than i thought.
13 Comments
So sorry for how you’re feeling tonight, Matt. The harsh truth is that after profound exposure, you’re never quite as warm, and forever prone to unexpected chills, no matter the weather.
Not sure who’s in your thoughts tonight. For me, it’s the family of that beautiful young girl in San Diego.
Hope you can get a good night’s sleep. It does help – if only by putting an end to one day so another can begin. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It’s probably not going to be your best month, but it’s sure as shit not going to be your worst, so there’s that. Take good care. xo
beautifully written
I wish I had words of comfort to ease your burden. Just know that you, and your family, are held in our hearts.
So sorry Matt. I always have a hard time hearing baout people who have lost a loved one. My father in law lost his wife of 35 years almost 3 years ago. He still grieves and there will probably always be a part of him that does, but things are starting to look up for him. Thinking about you.
Every cold winter eventually becomes a melt and a spring and a summer…
Yes I agree also that was beautifully writen…although I’ve got so many questions. All of which are none of my buisness. I’ve read your blog from start to finish, finish to start and more over…(not to sound like a stalker-with no slash through it) But I’m curious as to whom your thoughts were with? How are things going with Brooke? How serious have you and her become. Again none of my buisness…so if you don’t care to answer these questions I will completely understand. I’m just curious for my own personal, selfish reasons. And that’s the truth. Hope all is well…or as well as it can be.
So sorry you were feeling like that. beautifully written
Very beautifully written. My heart goes out to the one that has begun their coldest winter, and to you, for the pain you feel now and that is renewed each time someone else has to experience it. Cling to that beautiful daughter of yours, she is the light and the warmth.
Wow that was indescribable, I feel so much when I read your words! Thinking of you always!
This one got me. Hard.
What a haunting post. I’ve been thinking about this one for a few days.
By the way, the quote “No one I loved had died for almost two years”, what book is it from? I know that I have read this book – the quote struck a chord when I read it, but I can’t place it. Would you mind sharing the book title? Thanks!
Thinking of you and Maddy.
I don’t want to sound stupid, but could someone explain this post…I think I have an interpertation, but I don’t want to be wrong.
Thanks!!!
oh, man… of all days, i see this today. i was starving for an update (yes, that is how addicted i am)and then i remember the easter eggs…
oy..I really have to go back to work.
You would think it was as simple as me just closing the web page and going back to work.
Coldest winter indeed. I feel the same. My awful date is two weeks behind yours and our daughter was born the same day as Maddy. I don’t mean this to sound stalkerish, or weird, or crazy lady nutso, but I feel attached to your life because, in the most awful of ways, ours is similar. Yeah, okay, that does sound crazy lady nutso…sorry.