not long after
the darkness fell
upon us,
i came up with
an arbitrary goal…
wear them one day
longer than
her.
but this wasn’t the
first time i let
some unspoken goal
determine my behavior.
no,
giving myself
a personal challenge that
eventually becomes
a near obsessive compulsive disorder,
this is a problem
i’ve always had.
like that time
as a kid when
i decided that everything
had to be done
an even number of times.
or that time
i wondered how
long i could go without
drinking soda,
(six years, five months and twenty five days).
but there’s nothing magical
about any of this.
about 947 days,
so 743 it was.
she would have been
surprised that i’d made
it this long
with them.
26 Comments
Only you could know when it was time. It seems that it was. Be well.
no she wouldn’t….
I do the same thing (arbitrary numbers thing) and it makes me a little nutty. Not sure how I found this post…it kind of appeared. Weird. I’m thinking wedding rings…
I find myself checking the [...] more often, now that I know it’s here… You never disappoint with your words Matt.
they are for maddy now….and with these words….save them for her, and they will be that much more special to her. worn 947 days by her mom and 743 days by her dad. a testament to the never ending love shared by all three of you.
I agree with Nicole… put them aside for Maddie someday. She will be happy to have them. A nice reminder of her mom and dad’s love.
When you give these to Maddy some day… she’ll be honored to know that they meant so much to both of her parents. This post brought tears to my eyes. You are a good man.
I realize that you are not “moving on”from Liz, but rather just moving ahead with life and for that reason I feel so much happiness for you knowing that you’ve reached a point where you don’t need them on you to still feel connected to her. What an amazingly beautiful gift they will be for Maddy some day. Hope you’re still blogging then so we can hear all about it.
I found this section today, and it has blown me away. It amazes me that such beauty (your words) were released b/c of such sadness.
I have found myself always looking for them in your pictures wondering if this day had come yet. A small thing and yet a big thing.
it seems that it was the right time to take them off. i’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have been surprised you’ve worn them this long, i think she would have been honored that you have. 743 is a good number…maybe some sort of symbolism, something along the lines of keeping a part of her with you “7″ days a week “4″ the “3″ of you. now you keep a part of her with you, a big part of her that walks beside you, and smiles her mother’s smile right back at you….you’re an incredible father, husband, and now someone special to someone new…enjoy your life to the fullest!
You know when you know. I too have oddity’s with things that might be considered OCD. Little competitions with myself that no one else knows.
This really touched me. You obviously knew you couldn’t wear them forever. And Michelle is right, you aren’t moving on from Liz, you are moving forward with you life. I pray that you, Maddy, and Brooke will have a happy life together.
The first line, “not long after the darkness fell upon us” is incredible. So symbolic. You have to find a way to put it in your book. You continue to make me think about things in a brand new way with each new blog entry. Thank you!
Also…a while back you sent me the link to a book you had been reading after I’d asked about a quote you had used in one of your entries. It sounded so familiar to me. That wasn’t the book – I haven’t read it, but I plan to. The quote sounded like something from one of John Irving’s books – he is my favourite author.
Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself.
Sometimes we are the only ones that know when we are ready to do something, and we don’t do it until it feels like the absolute right time. We are all looking forward to the next chapter in your life, Matt. May it be a very, very, happy one for all of you.
Such a beautiful and sad post all at once. Matt you are an inspiration for anyone struggling. Thank you for your words and thoughts.
I guess I’ll join the soon to be masses and suggest you keep them for Maddy as well. Your numbers thing just makes you quirky, for awhile I would only do things at say 1:45 or 2:00, so I was always half way there or all the way there.
I can’t imagine the emotions, but you stated it all so beautifully and at the end of the day there are so many of us that are inspired by what you write.
Beautiful, Matt.
Beautiful.Be happy…Peace.
Need more pictures of your 2 favorite gals brooke and maddie
When it’s time, you know.
Such a simply yet moving post. Beautiful Matt.
I agree with Heather…beautiful and sad:( I don’t know how you balance your emotions, Matt. I say balance because (from the outside) it seems like it must be a constant struggle to balance conflicting emotions. Between the need to move forward and the (possible) guilt of doing just that (not that you do or should feel guilt, but I can imagine one feeling that way). And the happiness of being in a new relationship mixed with the sadness of what was lost. And knowing that this new happiness is a direct result of that “darkness.” It’s just too much…
I hope that comment isn’t inappropriate. The bottom line is that you’re doing a beautiful job with your beautiful girl. And you have a ton of stranger support throughout the interwebs.
My dad died one month ago yesterday…Father’s day…and I’ve noticed that my mom is now wearing his wedding ring… tape on the back of it to make it smaller for her. Made me think of you and Liz. It’s been one month for her…I wonder how long she’ll wear it.
As I posted my last comment…I thought of another similarity. He died on May 20th…my birthday was May 19th. He died one day after my birthday…