january 25th.
34 months.
…
it’s been awhile
since i felt
like this on
a 25th.
i never forget
the day,
(never)
or what happened
all those
months ago.
(never).
but sometimes i
i don’t realize it’s
the 25th until
i’m halfway through
the day.
but on this 25th,
i was feeling it.
all day.
i don’t know why.
…
that evening i
got to
my happiness.
my madeline.
she was excited
to see me.
“daddy! daddy!”
so excited.
and i was happy.
then a woman
walks in.
“mason…your mommy’s here”
said the daycare woman.
maddy looked up
at me.
the bluest of eyes.
(eyes like her mom).
long eyelashes.
(lashes like her mom).
her long, blonde
hair pulled
back in a ponytail,
bangs sweeping across
the right side of
her face.
(just like her mom).
a black cardigan
hanging on her shoulders.
(her mom loved black cardigans).
“i don’t have a mommy.”
…
she was looking at me.
but she was
saying it to everyone.
…
on the way
home we talked again
about her mom.
i told her
the truth.
her reality.
again.
i cried.
she could hear me.
she suggested a song
that she knew
would make me feel better.
the song played.
(her current favorite – “ladies” by lee fields).
i was happy again.
it wasn’t the song…
it was her.
helping me through.
(as always).
knowing when i needed
her to say something
to get me
out of a moment.
(i’m lucky).
That just breaks my heart. Maddy is such a sweet little girl. Even though her Mother is not here, she will always feel her love surrounding her.
I’m much more prone to tears lately…. I’m blaming being pregnant with #2, but this post got me. Maddy most definitely has a mom. Sadly, she just can’t be with her now. Matt, you do an amazing job of making certain Maddy has a the love in the world and I’m positive she will know her mom well, on down the line. I think you are handling it beautifully.
All I can think to say is the so lame (and yet sometimes so apt):
<3
im glad Maddy has her “brookie”, her bonus Mommy.
Brooke is amazing and I’m so glad you found each other.
She’s an amazing kid.
That Maddy, she is amazing, and I am so, so glad you have her. Thanks for being brave enough to share your life with the whole world. You have taught empathy and love to so many, I am sure without really meaning to. Gonna go hug my five year old who have been bugging me all day.
My mom died too very young. No one can ever replace her in my life or heart. I miss her every day. My wedding day was especially difficult not having my mom there…
My dad did remarry. Step-moms can be wonderful for providing that nurturing, loving mother role.
Sorry that this 25th was tough for you. No doubt that your two beauties brightened up your day! Hugs to all of you
I am saying this as a woman and a grandma. Your little girl has a wonderful woman who loves her (and so do you) Maddy has to live in the present not a past she never knew. I know this sounds harsh, but it is not her job to make you feel better about something she really does not understand. Let Brooke in.
I almost couldn’t believe it when I read ’34 months’ … Wow. Time flying and all that – it seems just yesterday I received an email from a friend (who had almost died from a pulmonary embolism) sharing your blog with me. But it has been years. And every post has been a gift – none more so than this. Thank you.
My cousins lost two moms. First mom tragically at 28, and their bonus mom after a horrible illness. Their father very, very rarely would talk to them about either mom. What you are doing is so right, for both you and Maddy.
I agree wholeheartedly with the happy/sad emotion described above. You and Maddy are amazing.
Oh, sweet Maddy. She does have a Mommy, she just isn’t with you in person anymore. She will understand it all better some day. But she has an amazing Daddy and you will always be there for her.
I can’t believe it’s been 34 months. You are amazing.
Simply amazing what kids can help us through. Though I have never lost my spouse. I have lost my dad and I know with out us kids and the grandkids my mom would not have made it out of her grief. While we are still in the throws of greif each year gets a smidge better. Nothing like a little one showing us the way. She will remind you of her mother love. Sounds like she looks like her mom. What a great thing you have created for Maddy. She will know what her mom was all about and how much she is loved. Chin up.
You kill me.
I thought of you this Tuesday the 25th…
Sometimes when my kids say they don’t have a daddy, I remind them that they do- he’s just not alive anymore. Don’t know if that’s wrong or right, but I can’t stand the thought of them thinking like their father never existed. Now, they’re more likely to say, My daddy’s dead. Not any better, I guess… It sucks either way. (((hugs)))
Looking through the comments, it looks like I’m about the only dude on here, but Jesus Christ, I just have to say that’s some heavy stuff. I have a daughter close to Maddy’s age and I have noticed her compassion before. It is amazing how much they care about others without being explicitly taught. It must reflect on those around her being so caring. I’m glad for you that you have her there to pick you up.
Wow. You have a wonderful little girl and you have done an amazing job with her. Her mommy watches over the both of you.
It’s been a while since I’ve cried at a post. Thanks, asshole. : )
Matt,
I love how you and Maddy love each other. It’s a special bond the two of you share.
Thanks for letting us get a glimpse of it.
Sending you both much love,
Sarah
I’ve read nearly every post on this blog, and cried at many of them (The only thing I’ve asked for on my birthday in April is your book, a box of tissues, and an entire day to read it in peace.). But this one hit me like no other. Though I’m sure it’s not easy for her to understand what’s happened in her short life, it sounds like you’re doing a great job guiding her through it. Kudos to you both.
Wow. I have been there. Just wrote about a similiar situation like this last month. I know your pain.
Thank goodness for our little ones.
http://single-mamahood.blogspot.com/2010/12/daddy.html
Now my make up is all jacked up, again. Way to go
You’re an incredible writer Matt, gives me chills. Can’t wait for the book (which Ive already ordered)
tears in my eyes ….but suddenly a rainbow came up
)
)go on like this 
)
i m sending you my love and hugs
I laugh more at your posts these days than cry, but this one brought tears. You always seem to handle these heart-wrenching situations with wisdom and care. I admire that quality.
Wow… that just completely broke my heart. Sitting here in tears… The innocence yet wise words of a child… It is good that you are letting her know about her mommy and that she loved her so much. She will always cherish the memories you instill in her of her mommy.
It always seems to amaze me how our children know just what buttons to push, but in the same breath know how to turn our blue days into a sunny day one! My 8 yr old daughter has always done that! Ever since she was able to talk or even just listen, I have been brutally honest to her. Sometimes question if it is a good thing that I have been like this with her. But at 8 she has a knowledge beyond her years and I love being able to talk to her! But I never forget she is still a child and still have to protect her as any parent does!!! God bless you and your family! Thank you for sharing your intrigueing life with us all! Form your MN family! BRRRRRR it is cold here today!
aren’t our kids just the most amazing things? I had a migraine today (I work from home) and my son had an ice day. He came up around 2 with a note “Deer Mommy, I have a serprise for you downstairs.” He had built me a super hero out of tinkertoys. It didn’t make the pain go away but it couldn’t have made me happier. Amazing how they know just what we need even when we don’t.
wow matt you have done it again. your writing is amazing and touching. i wish you hadn’t been through the things you have been through but i do really really enjoy reading aobut you and your story.
it is great to see you and your daughter so happy. i am sure liz is smiling all over this.
i am curious to know if brooke reads this website? i have to surmise that she does not because the stuff you have written here is so intensely personal to your grieeving.
she must be an awesome person to be able to step into this and i am sure you already know that!
Dear Matt, I have read your blog. Never commented. Today I must. Thank you for the beautiful and painful and honest post. I’ve lived long enough to know for sure that life is messy, and truth be told, tenuous at best. But you are so very blessed to have that sweet little being in your life. Virtual hug to both of you. And thank you for the reality check today. I personally needed it.
Holy shit. Heart wrenching.
I’m so glad that you are putting it out there for her Matt. Its amazing how much our kids teach us.
Sending you kind thoughts and hugs.
So beautifully written – it brought tears to my eyes. Now I, too, am listening to “Ladies” with a smile on my face. Maddie has good taste.
she is so smart hey Matt?
I think it is great she can learn that crying is healthy and normal and now it is okay to comfort those she loves..showing compassion at her age is a real wonderful show of the adult she will grow into.
Matt: I´m so so so sorry for you! I know this pain very well to don´t feel sad right now… even if we are already at the 10th February…
But my dear cyber friend: look how lucky you are! You have Maddy! You have Brooke now. You have your friends and family. You have a book (you´re an author! Wow!). You passed trought the worst period in your life and YOU DID GREAT!!!
You´re a great father!
You´re a great person!
Don´t you forget about it!!!!
With love, peace and wishing you all the blessings.
Mirys from Brazil
http://www.diariodos3mosqueteiros.blogspot.com
You were there for me from the beginning of my nightmare, when I lost my husband, the father of our 3 children. You let me cry, you let me share with you all of my fears and feelings. You helped me more than you will ever know! Your blog is part of my healing therapy. I know it is possible because of you, to be in love again-but you will forever honor Liz and honor her memory with the foundation you started in her memory. Thanks for all you do!
Hi Matt, I use to read your blog all the time when Maddy. I just checked back up on your blog and Maddy has gotten so beautiful, not that she was ever bad looking, she just looks so grown up and has a natural beauty like her mom had. Anyhoo, I became a mom ten months ago and realized how damn difficult it can be and I really applaud the job that you did, especially since you were so immersed in grief. For instance, when they are babies and they scream hysterically in the carseat and you have to listen to it all the way to your destination! You did it all by yourself and I think it shows how strong of a person you are! Liz would be proud.
Love the raw beauty of a true life built on adoration for each other!
So sad. I can tell that you think about liz alot. It’s ok, because u have the most precious little girl I’ve ever seen.
I was just randomly reading through your posts and didn’t remember seeing this one. I had always kind of wondered if the 25th is something you still mentally recorded or if that had gotten easier as time’s gone on. I was trying to figure out how many months it’s been now, since this was written. Then I realized today is the 25th. Chilling. So 52 months? It sounds so recent when it’s put that way, like you could just go back 52 months and it would all be as it should’ve been. It must feel like a lifetime to you. You’ve come much farther in 52 months than I ever could have. I just know Liz would be proud of you and her daughter.