questions.
they came today,
a torrent of them,
an attempt to
make sense of
your little world,
combining the things
we talk about
every day in an
(almost)
4 year
old’s level of comprehension.
while digging your
spoon into a bowl of
(what i learned from grandpa tom g. a few nights ago)
was your mom’s
favorite cereal.
“daddy, why did mommy want to buy this house?”
i was surprised. this
is not a question
you’ve asked before.
“she wanted you to have a yard to play in and she loved all of the trees and plants. especially the lemon and grapefruit trees.”
“oh. i love you, daddy. can i have some orange juice, please?”
then you asked
a bunch
of questions about
how grandmas can
also be moms.
then in the car…
“daddy, what did you and mommy do for fun?”
again, not a question
i’ve heard from
you before.
i told you about
our travels, our nights
with friends, everything
i could think
of before the next
question interrupted me…
“why was my mommy in the hospital?”
i told you
why she
was there, and how
her only care
in the world was
getting you
out safely.
as much as the
previous questions
took me by surprise,
the next one took
the wind out of me.
“daddy, did you hold my mommy’s hand when she died?”
fuck.
as i tried to
breath and to
figure out how
to answer that one
(how do i explain to you at this point in your life that i was rushed out of the room so the doctors and nurses could work on you mom, and that it was impossible for me to hold her hand until after she had already died?).
i started bawling,
impossible to hide
my tears from you.
i did my best
to explain it to you,
but what i said
will never take
away what happened that day.
i looked in
my mirror to see
you reaching for me.
i reached back for
you, my hand now
in yours,
you rubbing my hand
the way i rubbed your
mom’s
that day
(and many before it).
“daddy, i love you.”
you knew i
needed that.
“i love you too, maddy.”
sometimes i forget
how mature you are,
and how you understand
and comprehend more
than i think you do.
“you know, you can ask me anything about your mommy, and you can talk about her anytime, right?”
“yeah. daddy. i know.”
and as i worried
about how i’d fucked up
your day by crying
you said,
“daddy. oliver is not on my imagination team anymore.”
and i just laughed.
“it’s not funny, daddy!”
you yelled back at me.
and no, it’s not,
but it was.
and i’m sorry i didn’t
ask why he was
no longer on your team,
or what the fuck
an imagination team
actually is.
237 Comments
Beautiful post, and what a special little girl you have there!
PS Bummer about Oliver losing his place on the imagination team!
Well, dang it–you left us in suspense! What is an imagination team!?
You sound like a really cool dad (even the crying–it was cool dad crying).
Glad she has you.
she is the very best of girls.
I cried reading this post. And not just for poor Oliver.
Amazing Matt. You’re obviously doing something right! I love that you are willing to show your emotion in front of Maddie. I’m sure that it will help her be able to make sense of things as she grows up.
beautiful! brought tears to my eyes. what a sweet heart she has.
Wow. That was beautiful. Made me smile and then cry.
Excuse me, why was there no tissue warning on that post??? Amazing and beautiful. Maddie’s questions are a testament to how you have kept Liz alive in your family.
I’m going to go ahead and say that I’m sure a lot of people have wondered deep down inside when Maddy would start asking those questions. You handled this wonderfully Matt. You should be proud of yourself because no one would expect you to do anything BUT cry. Your answers were perfect and Maddy will know those things for life and treasure them. Well done. And the last part made me laugh too!
One thing I’ve learned in my 21 (holy crap!) years of parents? It’s Ok to cry in front of them.
oh wow. bring me to tears then make me chuckle. that darn imagination team.
Dude. Duuuuuuuuuude. I have nothing more constructive than that lament – other than man, you are doing a smashing job with that awesome little girl of yours. No matter how tough it can be at times, open dialogue for the win.
Thank you for posting this. She’s a very special little girl. And you are a very special dad.
Poor Oliver. Kicked to the curb! Hope they sort that out.
Wow. Maddy is such a sweet and caring girl, and you are an amazing Dad. This post really touched my heart.
Beautifully said. Children are so innocently inquisitive. You answered everything perfectly and I love knowing you both are doing so well. Poor Oliver though getting the boot.
This post is amazing. You are handling it all with such grace. SUCH grace.
You’ve reduced me to tears sitting here in my car waiting for my daughter to come out of school.
What a special moment between the two of you. I can only imagine how beautifully they will continue to evolve as she grows older.
Oh, and it sucks to be Oliver.
I am at work, I am not wearing waterproof mascara. My door is now closed. Let us know when you know about the imagination team. I can only imagine.
Loved this post, of course it made me cry, but I just love how mature little kids can be.
And, I have tears.
I’m sure the questions will get harder to answer as she gets older (and not just the ones about her mom), but you handled this one amazingly.
You brought me to tears, but by the end you had me cracking up:)
You have done a tremendous job raising Maddy. She is an exceptional little girl.
And BTW…please let us know what an imagination team is;)
I truly believe you’re taking the best approach by talking to her about it now, and believing in her that she can handle the information. Nothing sweeter than curious children who get real answers. Kudos to you.
I continue to be blown away by your courage and strength Matt. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful conversation you had with Maddy.
I agree with Michelle that it is only a matter of time before that smart little girl wants answers to those kind of questions. You handled it very well and I think that without a doubt, whenever you need to, that you can and should let her see you cry. It is so important for her to know you can show those feelings.
You’ve done such a great job of showing her so many wonderful pieces of the world, she needs to be able to understand some of your pain as well. Even at this young age (as she plainly showed you), she is capable of understanding and even showing you support. I’m very impressed with what a great little person you are raising!
It makes me so happy to know, because I’ve thought it from some of your first posts on here, that Miss Maddy will continue to grow and be your light.
Love to ya!
After 3 years of reading your blog, you finally did it. You made me cry. At work. That aside, I love the relationship you and Maddy have. I wish all children had loving parent(s)like you…imagine what the world would be like if they did.
this is awesome. maddy is awesome. you’re awesome. she will be fine. and screw oliver.
WOW! Maddy is very mature for her age and you did a wonderful job of answering those questions. Sorry that Oliver got voted off the team, I am sure he is crushed!
oliver may not be on the imagination team any more, but clearly you & maddy are on the same awesome team. she is light.
Wow, she is a smart one!
It is amazing what they are capable of understanding at such a you age, and how well they can articulate it all.
That baby girl of yours is wise beyond her years! I love it that she talks about Liz and asks questions. You are really doing a beautiful job raising her. Liz would be proud of you!!
Maddy’s imagination team is probably a pretty special team to be on. That girl. You do a remarkable job with her.
I cried along with you and laughed as she changed the subject. My 3 year old has seen me cry through really rough times and tried to cheer me up and comfort me. I felt like the worst parent in the world allowing my child to feel like she had to comfort me (that’s my job!), but after some time passed, I realized it’s probably not a bad thing for her to see. And it’s a great way to see that you’re doing a pretty awesome job raising a girl who knows how to care and help you out when you need it.
me again.
on the explaining to her about the holding hands…
you could tell her what you told us..the strangers/friends you put it so well on here and she is not too young to understand. look at what she does understand already and alot more that she hasnt knocked you sideways with yet.
you are doing a fantastic job.
have you asked her about the imagination team yet ??
I have two sons around Maddy’s age and the questions get tough, especially the ones about life and death. I think you did a beautiful job answering and Maddy is so lucky to have you for a Dad! Thanks for sharing all your stories!
What I want to is…how is she almost four? Great job being honest with her…I don’t expect any less of course, but still…just reminding you how lucky she is to have you as her Daddy.
You are a rock star dad!
That is a great story! You handled that very well
As strange as this sounds, I needed this post. I was in a similar situation with my 3 year old this week. He’s in a special needs preschool and his classroom size was only 5 kids. One of his classmates drowned last Wednesday night. I didn’t know how to handle the issue, so I left it alone until my son asked. Well sure as the world he asked where his friend was. Being one of faith, my son has heard the term Heaven before because we’ve gone to my grandparents graves and he’s asked where they were and so on. I told him Heaven was in the sky, far away. Anyway, for an instant, I didn’t know what I was going to tell him. I went with the truth and told him Heaven. He then asked, “Mama, she play in Heaven?” I told him, “yes, she plays in Heaven.” He was OK with that answer, until yesterday, he asked where she was again. I said Heaven again and hoped that was that. Nope. He ask, “Can I go and play with Alexis in Heaven.” Crap again, what do I say? “I told him he could way, way, way down the road, but Mama wanted him to stay here and play.” In a 3 year olds mind, that was sufficient enough, I hope.
Anyone had to address this issue before? I don’t know if the question will stop and how do I approach each one with a 3 year old. I don’t want him to be afraid of life and death, but I don’t want to lie about the facts either.
I didn’t see my dad cry until his father died when I was 25. I think it’s wonderful that she sees your emotions- I’m sure it helps her process it all, seeing the emotion that goes along with the stories. You’re doing an amazing job, and she is such a smart one!
lovely.
Love.This.Post.
Matt – I don’t think I’ve ever commented before. But this one moved me to tears. That girl of yours, she’s something special, and I love that she loves you so much and is so comfortable with you that she knows it’s okay to ask you questions about her Mommy. I think it’s okay for her to know it makes you sad. Because it IS sad. Showing your emotions to your sweet girl is nothing to be ashamed of.
On my son’s second birthday two days ago, I walked in the house from work, saw him playing happily on the floor with his Daddy and burst into tears. He rushed over to me and held my face in his hands very seriously. “Mama crying,” he said. “Mama okay.” He’s so smart. Yes, Mama’s crying but yes, Mama’s okay. It’s just that, sweet son, what I feel for you overwhelms me sometimes, and I’m not going to hide that from you.
You are an incredible dad, Matt.
Oh Matt. God I wish I could just hug you. You are an amazing father, and you explained things to her just as you should. And your tears are such a beautiful way of honoring Liz, and also showing Maddy how much you love her. Maddy will be an amazing testament to your devotion to Liz’s memory. You are doing everything right, and everything good.
And Oliver is clearly a hack if Maddy kicked him off the imagination team. Nuff said.
Thanks for sharing that. I’ve missed hearing about Liz, and Maddie’s questions about her.
Matt – I have read your blog since almost the beinging…. havent cried in quite a while… This post was beatiful… and reminds me of just how far you have both come in these few years. Cheers to the both of you!!
And as always thanks for sharing
Awesome post. Tears in my eyes and laughter at the same time. She is an amazing girl and you are an amazing dad!!! How wise beyond your years you are Maddie!
You are doing a great job with her Matt. What tough questions you have to answer. I admire just how capable you are in answering them. I love the reaching out of hands in this story, and I’m very sorry that you weren’t able to reach out to Liz in her last moments. May you and Maddie always have open hands and hearts for each other through it all.
You are such an amazing father and you have such a wonderful daughter. Thank you for your post and for continuing to share your moments with us.
How lovely that she feels safe enough to ask you these hard questions, and that you feel safe enough to show her that it hurts for you, too.
You are an amazing parent to that little girl. She’s so lucky to have you.
I don’t know Maddy but I love her. She’s such a sweet child & her innocence reminds me of myself when I lost my mother at the age of 7. She is truly lucky to have such an amazing daddy to help her through this journey while keeping the her mommy close to her heart. Matt you are truly a wonderful dad.
Beautiful, stunning post. Your make quite a team.
This made me cry and then laugh. It’s wonderful that she can ask you these questions. You’re a great dad.
I read all the time, but haven’t commented in ages.
This post had me in tears, but with a huge smile on my face. Thank you for always leaving the door open for discussions about Liz. That is such an amazing gift to your perfect little daughter.
P.S. your book is phenomenal.
Hi Matt.
Really hard questions. Gotta love her
I don’t know if it makes a difference, but I gather from the book that Liz died with your arm around her. (Everything that happened after, with the doctors whisking her off and kicking you out for the code, was technically an attempt to bring her back.)
Love you guys!
oh. how my heart sank and the tears fell for you and Maddie. What a wise, perceptive little girl. You are so lucky to have her – and she so lucky to have you. Prayers to you always.
Thank goodness for the funny ending- I’m bawling over here. Well handled Matt, even if you didn’t ask what happened to Oliver
Wow your questions hit home. We too have been being bombed with questons from Sophia about her mom. She always asked me if I knew her mommy I tell her of course I did. She hasn’t put two and two together yet that she was born on June 13th and that her mommy died on June 13th. She did ask me if I wanted to go to heaven with her and I asked her why she wanted to go there, “to see my mommy, and you can see your poppi (my dad) too!!!”
As you know she lives with her daddy and my mom her grandmother. In the last two weeks she has referred to my mother as her mother and she tells me that now she is my sister. They are smart for being so little. My mom has told her that she is her nani and her mommy is in heaven and she answers my mom, “Yes mommy I know” so now we just let her call her mommy, you can’t imagine the funny looks we get when she calls my mom who is 78 years old mommy out in public. You are doing a great job with her, be proud of yourself, I know Liz is, and come on Matt, i keep waiting for the post that says you are engaged, Maddy needs a brother or a sister. Don’t waste time,
What Erica said!!!!!
Holy crap…I wasn’t expecting to bawl when I noticed your new post today. I think that you handled the questions perfectly. Good job, Dad.
Great, now ill be crying in front of my kid. I read this while I was waiting for her to come out of gymnastics practice. Beautiful. I laughed and then cried. And poor oliver, I hope hes back on the team soon!!
Wow. I am in tears. My heart hurts and aches. As a mother to a little girl who is a complete Daddy’s girl, I think it is so special she feels safe and comfortable asking you about her Mommy. She is so wise beyond her years and so compassionate. You should truly be so proud. You have done such a good job and all you did to write the book for her to have one day and honoring the memory of the woman that gave the greatest sacrifice to see her brought safely into the world, she will one day know as I’m sure she is piecing it together in her own way. You always said Liz lit up a room and it sounds like to know her was to love her. I think it’s been passed on to Maddie. I know we are only “creeps” and strangers but thank you for all you’ve shared and I know my opinion doesn’t count for much, but I believe you are doing a great job.
I have been reading your blog almost since the beginning. Not sure I have commented before. You are a amazing father to Maddie and you did a great job answering her tough questions, as you are being her Dad.
That post definitely brought some tears. What a smart, insightful, empathetic little girl you’re raising!
Matt, you did an AMAZING job having this conversation with her!! You will never know what you did for her by letting her see you grieve! It lets her know that you are still in love with Liz, no matter who’s in your life, that you can love more than one person, and that it’s ok to be sad and cry once in a while. You also did a great job by letting her know that you are an open book and she can ask questions! Great job Dad!!!
Is it odd to cry for someone I’ve never met? ‘Cause I did….
I cried for you, for your beautiful perceptive daughter, and then for friends and family I know that have those same discussions in their daily lives.
But then realizing how lucky the two of you are to have each other, and to do and see all the wonderful things you do, I smiled. You are an amazing Dad!
Oh, and I hope Oliver isn’t too devastated. Years of therapy can be pretty frickin expensive… :0)
You do so well with her- if something happened to me and I left my 4 year old and 3 year daughters behind I hope my husband would do as awesome a job as you are ( he probably wouldnt be as good as documenting everything
Beautiful post!!!
Wow!!! I’m sure Maddy’s questions caught you off guard, but I’m sure as she gets older she will continue to have more!
Your post made me cry. What an amazing daughter you have. She’s also very lucky to have an equally amazing daddy.
I was thinking what Dawn said…When Liz said she felt lightheaded, she was telling you, holding onto you, trusting you. You were the last thing she saw and there is something so beautiful about that. You were truly with each other up until the very end. And I know that if she can see you now or if she could see you now (whatever the answer is), she would be so, so proud and would want to embrace you the way you want to embrace her. How beautiful that Maddy can see your tears and know that no matter what, your love for her mom is forever. Please don’t ever feel like you’re showing too much emotion. And also, please don’t ever feel like you should feel differently, or like you should rush anything in your personal life. You are your own best guide and I’m so honored to be able to take part, even just virtually, in your world. All my best to you guys. And lots of love to Liz, forever. Xx
Wow Matt!! You never cease to inspire strength in all of us! What a beautiful post, and what a beautiful relationship the two of you have…..bonded for life
I am, glad I am at home reading this, as the tears are streaming…and then the laughter at the imagination team!! You handled another difficult situation amazingly! She really is wise and mature beyond her years….and I am sure that is because you have don e such a great job raising her and keeping Liz’s memories and stories alive for her! Keep up the great work Matt….Liz is so proud of the two of you!! 
And in some little way, I am sure that was Liz reaching out to comfort you too in Maddy!! 
Wow…I continue to be amazed at your writing. How you can pluck at the heartstrings and be so funny at the same time. You are such an amazing writer!
I NEED you to write another book!!!
I read a post today at my little girls daycare.
It listed 50 ways to LOVE your child.
One that struck me- Let your kids see you cry.
You’re doing great Matt, but yeah, tough questions!!
xo
That hand-holding question is a pretty deep one for such a little girl. I really love how you’re honoring Liz’s memory by always making sure that Maddie knows how much her mommy loved her.
After being hit with those questions no one can blame you for not delving further into the imagination team situation….but I really want to hear what that’s all about!!
I’m so happy that Maddy asks about her Mom and you answer honestly. That’s so healthy for her, and don’t ever worry about allowing her to see you cry. It’s a real emotion, not something to be ashamed of. Ever. It shows Maddy how much you love Liz and how deeply you miss her.
This made me cry while I had a huge smile on my face. I was imagining how hard that conversation must have been for you, and how innocent it was for her. You are both so blessed to have each other.
Please do follow up with her. I think I speak for all of us…we’re dying to know what an imagination team is.
You and Brooke are doing such a good job… Liz would be so proud. Thanks for sharing even though you made me cry
Matt..Matt…thank you for sharing what is a very intimate moment with your daughter. Totally made me cry. Like a baby. I have four beautiful children and I have those moments where I just cry looking at them, thinking of them, or God forbid, considering what I would ever do without them. I am grateful to be the one raising them, and I am lucky they have a loving dad to be my partner. When I read your blog and then your book, my heart broke. And now Maddy is becoming old enough to really, really GET IT. To KNOW Liz and to start to understand what happened. But I know that you will not just focus on “what happened” on March 25, but what happened on all those great days before when you travelled and loved and celebrated and argued and spent way too much on art. I am honored to be in the audience of your life.
An aside, my sister was thrilled to meet you at Camp Widow this past year, and she sent me pictures of you both and I was JEALOUS…Some day you will tour the east coast again and I will come hear you read maybe. Until then, thank you for sharing with us!
Thanks for the tears today! You guys have such a great bond. Hopefully it stays that way through her teenage years!
This was so beautifully written. Maddy is a wise little girl and she’s lucky to have you as her father (and to have Brookie).
But please do find out why poor Oliver has been booted off her imagination team and “what the barnacles” (as my 4 yr old would say) IS an imagination team.
Heartbreaking, incredible, raw, honest, and loving. Words don’t seem to do this post, or this situation, any justice but that was the best I could come up with. Thanks for sharing something so intensely personal with your readers…one of the bazillion reasons we all love you so much and have followed you for such a long time. Nate and I are expecting our first baby in a few weeks and there are so, so many things I’ve read on your blog that I will carry with me as I learn to be a parent. I love that Maddie knew what you needed, reached out to comfort you, and made you laugh, all within a few seconds. What a wonderful girl she is…a reflection of you, Liz, Brookie and all those who have shown her so much love.
Shit, instant tears
wow…tears. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. Her mom would be so proud of her and her daddy
Been a while since I cried here. This is beautiful, Matt. I’ve said it before, but I love that Liz is so alive for her, so accessible, not some china doll on a shelf. Liz has always been that rag doll, sitting on the bed and waiting for Maddy to be ready for her. The rag doll can take all the questions, all the love, all the curiosity, all the tossing around Maddy will give her. You’ve made Liz that rag doll for Maddy==and it’s a wonderful, amazing gift. For Maddy. For Liz.
(I hope that made sense.)
Hey Matt,
Like the others, I wipe my tears away – with a slight warm grin…. Car conversations… I remember telling you about a few I’ve had with my previous nanny charges about their mother who lost her battle with breast cancer. Instantly I was right with you, pulled over on the side of the road breathless and an instant puddle of tears.
You wrote once that you were worried about how you were going to handle being blindsided by these moments, and yet here you are doing a fabulous job!
Way to go Dad!!! 
Sarah (a nanny once upon a time, here on Vancouver Island BC).
PS. I’m waiting patiently to hear that you’ve proposed to Brooke
I’m sure I’m not alone – and I’m surprised more people don’t razz you about it 
WOW !!!..What a special moment. I am sure there are kids out there that have both parents and they do not share these types of moments. You are both a blessing to one another and you are a blessing to us.
You are doing a superb job. I too am hoping you publish another book for this next chapter of your lives.
I agree with Sarah (CanadianNanny) about her comment….
Hopefully this isn’t posting twice, because I tried to post once, didn’t finish it, and the damn computer tried to post! Not cool, Microsoft.
Anyway, I loved this post. It may be my favorite, ever. Because first of all, I’ve missed posts like this. I know you love Liz and always will, but it’s easy to forget, with how upbeat and happy your posts and pics are now, that the pain of losing her is always present, no matter who you’re with or where you are. The hand holding part made me cry. It’s as though Maddy was concerned about Liz and if she was okay in those final moments…that’s so deep and compassionate for such a young child. And I love and agree with January’s comment (love that name), because it’s actually exactly what struck me reading your book-Liz died in your arms. You were there for her all the way. The part in the book where you say you laid her head on your shoe, so it wouldn’t hit the floor, I remember that part so much because you were caring for until they made you leave and that just stuck with me. It’s amazing, how much you loved/love her and your tears show Maddy that you still miss her and love her, even though you’re with someone else now, and that one day, it’s okay if she needs to cry about it all too.
And, um, I had no idea you’ve proposed to Brooke?! Wow!! If I read that correctly based on comments, congratulations. Add me to the waiting patiently ranks.
It’s crazy to see how far you’ve come, if you go back to the beginning of the blog. I bet you never imagined you’d be able to build a new family and life, but you’ve done it. Liz would be/is incredibly proud, no doubt.
Oh Matt. Tears.
I can remember so clearly asking my Dad questions about my mom, and worrying that my questions would make him too sad.
If I could have hand-picked the way my Dad would have responded to my questions, I would have scripted it the way you responded.
To let her comfort you and to remind her that she can always ask you questions about Liz? Amazing.
You are doing an amazing job of something that is so impossibly hard.
Thank you for sharing this moment.
I just love that little girl.
Isn’t it amazing what comes from our sweet little ones? Sweet, unconditional, unfiltered love, wisdom and compassion.
Please give her a big hug from us and tell her that Jacob, Sydney and I said hello and we miss her!! And you and Brooke, too, of course!
You know, after reading what my widowed friends’ kids ask about their moms and dads who are dead, I’m always surprised by what Anna DOESN’T ask. She doesn’t ask a ton of questions. She does in spurts, I suppose–and in hindsight, she went through a flurry of them when she was 4.
Her blase indifference to it all sometimes stuns me. But at the same time, she remembers so much of what I say (I’m equally stunned by what she DOES remember from question session to question session) that I know she knows, remembers…and, I suppose, cares.
Though you gotta love what comes out of the mouths of babes: For Anna, she always says how she misses our dog more than her dad. Sigh. But she’s right–she remembers our dog, loved him, and saw him fucking dead…so yeah, probably a bit more of an impact than an imaginary daddy in pictures and stories.
Love all that Maddy asked, and love that you could answer her, bawling or not. In fact, I think the tears might leave more of a positive impression than a negative one: that’s it’s alright to cry about her mommy. Anna’s barely ever seen my cry, because it almost always happens when I’m alone.
Big hugs to all of you, Matt!! (And I’m well timed–Andrea’s reply is right above the comment field at the moment. I miss all of you guys!!!)
Crap. not crap. Total bawling post. Out of the mouths of babes.
I’ve had an utter shit week and Maddy asking about holding Liz’s hand just put me over the edge. Going to go bawl now.
Aren’t the questions they come up with shocking and amazing sometimes? It doesn’t seem like they should be able to understand as much as they do. Victor comes up with questions out of the blue sometimes. A couple days ago he was standing on the couch and said “My daddy is dead. Papa is your daddy and he isn’t dead.” It was the first time he put those words together. What shocked me was that instead of sadness I felt relief. He is understanding.
WOW! Just WOW!
Oliver was not contributing to the team so he was eliminated. Seems pretty simple to me…..
I cant tell you how nice it is seeing you post about Liz again. Its been so long!
Matt that is the sweetest post ever!! Just shows her how much love was between her mom and you. She is such a smart sweet girl
Tears of sadness and then tears of laughter that girl brings.Such a wonderful connection you two have and always will. It’s so nice to now see that your baby loves you and is starting to understand.She already knows what an amazing, loving father she has. Great job Matt. As always..
Hi Matt
I’ve been reading your blog for ~3 years, and I remember that many times in your posts you showed doubts in your ability to raise Maddy without Liz. And you know what? You did/are doing an amazing job. It’s pretty obvious (even for those who don’t know Maddy, like me) that she’s a wonderful, smart and loving kid with an amazing family!
A lot of happiness for you, Maddy and her Brookie =)
Loved this Matt! Probably one of the most beautiful things you’ve written because it captures such a transparent and vulnerable moment between you and Maddy. What a beautiful heart she has!!
Matt,
She is such a smart, insightful little creature. And you two are so lucky to have each other! It says a lot about what a great job you have done as a parent that she can ask these questions so freely.
Big hugs to all you!
Wow.
I *totally* lost it on the hand holding question…
Love that Maddy held your hand though!
Such a sweet girl you are raising there.
It’s really beautiful that you & Brooke have fostered an environment for Maddy where she feels comfortable asking questions about & talking about her mom. You guys are doing such a great job with Maddy & I’m sure Liz would be proud of & happy for all 3 of you!
Does Maddy ask similiar questions about how her Brookie fits into her life & yours?
Wow. Maddy is totally awesome, and you did an awesome job answering all of her questions. I’m sure there will be more as time goes on and the two of you will have more talks as she gets older. Just keep doing what you’re doing, Matt. It’s working, and you have an awesome child. It’s not easy, but you’re doing it!
What a perfect way to phrase whatever was running through her mind. I think we lose this ability as adults. To speak so simply and honestly. It was so nice to have the oppurtunity to read about Liz again.
She’s so beautiful, Matt.
I’m glad you share these moments with us. I know your honesty and openness has helped and will continue to help others who are on a similar journey. I try to imagine how Maddy will feel reading all of this someday as a teen or young adult. Heartbreaking, yet awesome to think about.
Matt:
You are an amazing Dad.
You handle those hard moments so well, and by sharing them … teach others how it can be done.
Thank you …
She is one of the most amazing little kids I’ve ever “known”. Oh my God……………I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face. As sad as it is; it’s also wonderful that she can talk to you, and ask the questions that she has about her Mommy. Love and hugs to you all.You are one of the best, Matt!!!!!
Such a wonderful post. You’re doing the right thing by telling her everything, even if it is so hard sometimes.
You handled that conversation honestly and brilliantly, Matt….and that my friend, is no easy feat. Hang in there!
Kelly
p.s. Imagination team rocks! I’m pretty sure we are all part of that team!
Matt, this post just reiterates to me how incredibly lucky you are to have Maddy. I believe she saved you and continues to bring much needed light in your darkest moments.
Liz left you with the best gift she could have possibly given you. And now you are giving Maddy the best gift that you can: stories about her mom and an understanding that she can always talk to you (or any number of other people in her life) about her. That’s priceless.
Lastly, I agree with the others. You WERE holding Liz.
Wow she is an amazing girl….brought tears to my eyes today….I hope she never stops asking and I’m sure there will always be tears… you are both incredibly strong!
dude.
You have a special little girl. And your little girl has one special daddy. Moved to tears by your words…and I know Liz is so proud of you!! And of your little girl!
you are truly doing the best job ever of being a dad. you obviously have a good instinct at handling difficult situations like this. i’m sure once maddy can really understand everything, she will be so appreciative of all that you have done. you honor liz, you respect maddy, and you keep it real. that’s awesome.
I should SO know better by now NOT to read your blog while at work. But I just cant help myself apparently. And yes I cried. Little Maddy knows so much, just like my 4 y/o daughter. You are very lucky to have her, Liz gave you such a gift. But it is still so very sad that she never got to experience being a mom…. But you have so much, and Liz would want you to be doing exactly what you are. Being the best dad in town! With the best girls! xoxo- Lisa
Oh my, Matt. I think I just projectile cried. That question. You couldn’t have been prepared for it. I would have bawled my eyes out in front of my daughter too. Maddy gets to know the real you, and through you, her mother. Thank you for sharing this incredibly touching conversation. xo
Maddy is pretty damn lucky to have a dad who is so open and willing to discuss it all with her. Crazy how old and mature she has gotten–time really does fly.
amazing. simply beautiful.
maddy is beatiful… inside and out.
is it strange that i love her even though i don’t know her? lol. she is an amazing child and you handled this with grace and just the amount of “rightness.”
you rock.
as does maddy.
Madeline sounds like my daughter Izzy. When she asked me a series of questions about Emilee’s mom Jen (my best friend who died from a PE like Liz did) I started crying too. Izzy came over to me, rubbed my back, gave me a big hug, and told me it’s okay to be sad sometimes.
It IS okay to be sad sometimes. Crying in front of your daughter is never, ever fucking up. It’s just being human.
You are an amazing dad raising an equally amazing daughter!
Laurie
Wow. This is heavy, but yet so perfect. You said what you could and you expressed your emotion for your wife that you loss. She’s got to know the love you have for her and by showing your tears doesn’t make you weak but allows you to show her how much you miss her and love her.
It’s sweet and sad. But you can’t go back now. Just keep going forward and let her ask. It’s hard, I can’t even imagine how hard, but you’re doing great. As always.
Love it when you write. You should do it more. It’s espeically great when you use the word Fuck. Just a thought.
Wow, that is rough. You are amazing and so is Miss Maddy.
Give my love to Akumal and have a drink for me at La Buena Vida!
I was doing good until the part where you cried. And then I cried along with you.
Beautiful beautiful beautiful. Such innocence but maturity as such a young age. I too was like that after my daddy passed when I was 3. She will continue to and forever amaze you Matt and you’ve got a strong little girl that is there for you as much as you are there for her.
xoxox
Haven’t posted in a long time but still a reader. Sending my love.
Lindsay from Toronto
You are an amazing father. Most people would “sweep” these questions under the rug instead of being honest. I admire you for that.
Wow. How touching (I’m now crying myself). I think you did wonderfully!
Hurting and healing never really end do they.
Great! I start crying then laughing my butt off!!
Maddie reminds me a lot of my daughter age 4.5, they would be great friends!! I love your honesty and I truly love maddies mature yet simple questions. She’s an amazing girl and she is sure to amaze you on a daily basis. I know my daughter does!!!!
dagger in the heart. omg. but a realization that she is indeed your partner in this world. what an amazing amazing little legacy. adorable.
I haven’t cried reading your blog in a long time so I really wasn’t prepared for this. I love that Maddy is starting to understand and ask questions about her mom. Losing a parent is SO complex. One of the hardest things for me after my mom died (although I was 5, not a baby) and my dad remarried, was when a kid at school asked me how my dad could have possibly loved my mom, since he remarried so soon after her death. I have a good relationship with my stepmom but that hurt SO much. It made me not like her for a little while, even, like I was betraying my mom or something by being nice to her. I wish my dad had been like you, open to letting me talk about her and ask questions. Everyone would get so awkward when I talked about her, that I ultimately stopped. I still have so many questions unanswered. Have you kept any of Liz’s things for her? I would’ve loved some of my mom’s things. He gave most of them to charity (a nice thing to do, but it was all that was left of her). Maddy is going to be so grateful that you kept her mom “alive” for her the way you have.
And I know you’re not exactly a religious person, but Maddy reaching out for you the same way you reached out for Liz kind of gave me chills. Stuff like that makes me wonder sometimes…
OH! and the crying thing. People always thought I was weird for wanting to cry over my mom, since I was so young when she died. People didn’t get that I was crying at what could have been for us. My dad being open about that would have made me feel so much better. You are doing all the right things!!!
Yep, this is also one of my favorite posts of yours. For me, tears out of no where. Thanks again for letting us into your real & sweet world.
I just loved this post. I love hearing about Liz, and I love that little girl. What a gift Liz gave to you!
Such a beautiful post……..you are an amazing dad!!!
Great post! Thank you so much for sharing it all with us. Beautiful.
Yup, this one made me cry. I think you are doing a good job of being honest with her and sharing and having her grow and learn incrementally. Not crying would not have been true to yourself and this not true to maddy.
I so want an imagination team.
Wow, tears. For so many reasons. Maddy is incredibly special.
You know…I think you did the right thing by crying. You showed that you are human and that you have emotions. My father cried, and I think it has made him more of a man in my eyes. I cry in front of my son, and he reacts the same way. With compassion and love. And he sees that it is ok to cry..when one is happy or sad or frustrated. You are raising a deeply compassionate child. Great job!
I haven’t left a comment in a really long time but this post made me cry tears of joy and remember the huge loss you have experienced but the huge gain you have everyday in your life. The relationship that you and your daughter have is something that will never be replaced….so special.
WOW! What an amazing child, that Maddy, with an amazing family!
Asalamu Alaykom,
Weren’t you hoping for something easier—like “Why is the sky blue?” Or even, “Where do babies come from?”
These were just hard, hard questions one right after the other! But you deal with where your kid is..in the NOW. They ask but they really don’t stay long in any place other than NOW.
Your Lovely Liz didn’t die the way you would have ever imagined. It wasn’t in your arms and I know you’re a totally truthful person so it won’t be re-written. It was a sad moment that isn’t going to get talked away or reasoned away. That was why you cried, I’m guessing because it wasn’t a good answer. “No” is not what you would have wanted to say EVER. So you didn’t say it and Maddy understood you needed help more than she needed an answer. That’s beautiful.
Maybe, another time, she’ll get more details but I’m reminded of something Corrie Ten Boom (Dutch resistance worker and Nazi Camp survivor) once said about her father. He likened too much information to heavy suitcases. He told her that he couldn’t let her carry too much while she was still little. Children actually let us know when they’ve had enough because they move on to something new—-like Oliver.
And it isn’t funny…but it makes me smile.
Am I the only one who didn’t cry on this post?
beautiful post. amazing duo.
The hand holding question really is such an emotionally deep statement for a child her age. That made me cry. It says a lot about the kind of girl she’s becoming; empathetic, intelligent, and compassionate. It also says a lot about you and how much you loved Liz, that you still become emotional talking about the intimate details of her death. It’s good for Madeline to see that, to know that you still love and miss her mom, even though you met someone else after her death. There will only be more questions, but you handle them so well. And maybe on some level it’s comforting to talk about her for you too?
I didn’t know you and Brooke were engaged either. I’m actually glad you’ve kept that relatively private. Not because I’m not happy for you guys, but because remarriage means you’re really letting go of Liz and it’s just hard to not feel sadness about that, you know? I’ve grown quite attached to her over these years. But we all know she’d want you and Maddy to be happy, and you have to do what you feel you have to do in your new life without her. Are you going to keep writing the blog, though? Please do! I’d so miss it.
Beautiful post – Brought me to tears – Maddy wanting to make sure that her mommy was okay in those last moments and then reaching out to you when you needed comforting – What a sweet and empathetic three year old – good job daddy.
What a precious baby girl you have. It is so wonderful that she can file all those answers into her images of her mom. And awesome that you are able to share your powerful feelings with Maddie so she knows the love that you and her mother shared.
My sentiments exactly – fuck. That is one great kid.
Maddy is such a special little girl and you are doing an amazing job with her. Beautiful post, Matt!
I just finished reading your book. Interesting that this is the first post I came on to read (after not being here for a few years). You have done an amazing job and raising Maddy, her works and actions are a testament to that.
It’s been a while since I was here last and I read this post, it reminds me of Art Linkletter – Kids Say The Darndest Things, ask the most impossible questions and bring tears at the most unexpected moments. These times in our lives are priceless.
Beautiful. Sad but really beautiful.
i feel so bad for you and that’s why i cried reading this…answering questions about what you guys did for fun or why she picked out the house is one thing. those probably bring back happy memories. the hand holding question is something else entirely. i don’t know if it helps at all, but while i obviously wasn’t there, just based on your book, i doubt liz was at all aware when they were trying to save her. your descriptions of what you saw (gasping, etc) are classic cardiac arrest symptoms and even if they had revived her, she most likely would’ve had no memory of even saying she felt lightheaded-she probably would’ve been comatose for a few days after, even. she was in clinical death. so no, while you didn’t get to have those last 5 minutes everyone imagines, you were most likely the last image she had on this earth. it doesn’t take away the pain or change anything, but not everyone can say that about their loved ones. you were definitely there for her, so please don’t ever feel like you weren’t.
as a hospice nurse, i can’t even begin to tell you the experiences i’ve had and things i’ve seen. the things people do and say in their final moments…it’s really made me believe there is more to life than we could ever understand and i feel incredibly certain Liz can see you and is proud of the way you handle these moments with Maddy. it will get easier as she grows, but you handle it so well in the moment.
I read you post this evening… It must be the age that children begin to think of these questions. My 3 1/2 year old grandson asked me last month ” grandmom what happen to the black dog that lived in the kitchen?” we have 4 yellow dogs but this summer we had to put my late parents 15 year old black lab to sleep . He had never mentioned the loss and I wasn’t sure he had noticed. I tried to explain she had gotten very sick and grand pop and I had taken her to the doctors.. Hoping to leave it at that. He was to young when my mother his great grandmother passed away to really remember here leaving. But the topic continued daily.. ” grandmom we need to go to the doctors to go visit BB” I finally gave in and told him she got very sick and went to heaven to live with Jesus.. He still likes to talk about her even know when she was here he really didn’t have that close of a bond with her . She was almost blind.. Slow to follow and slept a lot…. But this experience and thought of loss … Makes me realize this is why we give children pets .. They love them then deal with them missing And loss … And perhaps prepare them for life to come ….
God, I wish I could bring her back. It hurts so fucking much to know what sweet Madeline is going to be dealing with as she gets older. She’ll without a doubt go through her own very unique grieving process regarding the loss of her mom before she was even able to interact with her. Thank goodness she has a father like you to guide her through it.
Was there a blog entry about you being engaged that I missed somewhere? I feel horrible, because reading that just now actually made me sad, but like someone else said, it’s just because I feel so incredibly sad for Liz. She doesn’t get to grow old with her husband, someone else will raise her daughter, get to have more kids, etc. It’s just so unfair all she lost on what should have been the happiest time of her life and without even realizing what was happening. She probably just thought she was going to pass out for a second. It’s every mother’s worst fear, what happened to her. It’s also the cruel realization that life goes on and people move on. But I am glad you’re so happy now and past all that grief, save for these moments where Maddy asks questions. You’ve come further in 3.5 years than some people come in a lifetime, especially considering how long you and Liz were together and how sudden her death.
i feel for you, matt. these are questions that shouldn’t have to be asked by a 4 year old.
Like everyone else, the hand holding one got me, but I agree that you really were holding her. I too was struck by how gentle you were with her in the book. That made me cry, when you were like “at least now she can’t hurt herself” or something like that, because you just had no idea that it was something serious. It’s really clear how much you loved her and how well you took care of her and Maddy will get that. I so wish Liz were sitting beside you guys right now and you weren’t in a position to have to answer any of these questions. If wishes could turn back time. My best to you guys.
XO..XO..
she gets it. you are doing a fine job. don’t be afraid to cry. it helps her feel it’s ok to show emotion. keep on keeping on, matt. liz has to be so proud of you and maddy!!!
Crying at my desk is probably not the best thing on this Monday morning but this is a beautiful, heartbreaking post. She is an amazing little girl.
wow…tears….what a special lil girl you have there Matt!!!
Maddy has so much wisdom beyond her years you are doing a great job in raising her to be a beautiful young girl. I was in awe and tears over your conversation and laughed through tears about the imagination team. Wow that is all I can say she is aware of so many things children are amazing.
Madeline is such a smart little girl. How touching that she was concerned about her mommy being comforted. I also kind of teared up at them liking the same cereal, which I know is a silly thing to get emotional about it just made me think Liz probably ate that when she was pregnant and that’s why Maddy likes it. My daughter’s the same way. Her favorites are stuff I craved during my pregnancy.
I really admire your resilience, Matt. I know I couldn’t remarry if my husband died. The idea of having a wedding again, standing up there in front of our family and friends, without him, makes me emotional just thinking about it. I don’t know how you move on like you have after going through something so unimaginable and traumatic. It’s really remarkable. I remember when you thought you’d never be happy again, but your life turned out pretty perfectly in the end, huh?
Thanks for sharing your journey with us.
Maddy: Awesome, funny, brilliant, inquisitive, more awesome, affectionate
Matt: Awesome father who does the best to tell his daughter the truth and to keep Maddy’s image if Liz alive. You show her that its ok to be sad sometimes.
You guys have one of the best parent child relationships I have ever seen or heard of.
Oliver…the poor thing
Liz would be VERY proud of you. You’ve done/doing a great job. You and my father are the only two men who can get me to cry on a dime
Keep up the good work and she’ll be an amazing woman…and when she runs for president, I’ll vote 
I’m glad Maddy has Brooke in her life to be her mom, so that hopefully these questions become less and less (they definitely will once she has a sibling and hears him/her referring to Brooke as “mom,” she’ll probably start doing the same). As far as getting engaged, moving on is good for the soul. Life is for the Living and Brooke clearly takes the place of Liz perfectly for Matt and Maddy, if not better in some ways (Brooke strikes me as far more family-oriented and domestic than ambitious Liz, for example). People can’t mourn forever. I say good for Matt for getting on with his life and finding a new love to replace the old, a love that just based on reading Brooke’s old blog, may even be stronger than the one he had with Liz. I doubt he ever cried over one of Liz’s dresses, for example. Everything happens for a reason. Perhaps Liz was just the stepping stone to finding true love with Brooke.
I love that I can read a post and smile, then cry then laugh out loud. Thank you for sharing these moments with us. On another note, when are you going to start your next book?
Matt,
My dad died when I was three. My mom has never been big on discussing things. She’s a wonderful person; but it’s very painful for her. I respect that.
But I also commend you for sharing openly and any time with Maddie. I do wish I had the ability to ask and hear answers to questions I have about my dad. Beautifully done, Matt. All of it. The entire four years:)
This was a sucker punch to the gut. I read it again today and I still cried. Connor has been asking a lot of questions about death and where we go when we die and I still cannot find the right words to talk with him about it. I know now to just simply be honest. Hugs to you, Maddy, and Brooke.
This is a simply beautiful and breathtaking post. Thank you for sharing such a real and authentic moment between you and Madeline. She is quite lucky to have such a wonderful father.
Beautiful post! This is my first time on here, I just completed your book and might I add that it was a beautiful one….I cried many times! Your daughter is the cutest thing I have ever seen. I wish you and your daughter all of the best! Keep up the good work Matt! I know your wife would be so proud of all that you have done.
SOB! Just catching up. Maddie is a wise soul. Matt, you handled that perfectly. Wrenching, but so good to know that she feels comfortable asking questions and talking about Liz. She’s growing up with her mother’s presence, and knowing that it’s not a taboo subject. Truly a gift.
What an amazing job you’re doing. I, too, have tears in my eyes after reading this post. Maddy is a very special little girl.
I love kids, and I love the honesty of them. Her questions show how you have done it right. I remember soon after my Dad died I was at the school where he had worked (and I had attended) and one of the kindergarteners said this to me “oh, we planted flowers for your Dad, cause he died”. You did, that was so nice. Then he went on to ask me many questions, how did he die, how old was he, why did he die, etc etc. It was refreshing in a way because everyone else was walking on eggshells around me.
Maddie is going to shoot straight with you, she is going to talk about her Mom and not worry that it might make you sad…..which is awesome.
It has been so lovely to watch her grow up, I have followed you guys since she was born.
they are so “matter of fact” at that age…they only throw initial darts with no meaning behind them. My 4 year old daughter asks all the time about my sister who died in such an unemotional and curious way…it IS SO hard to keep your emotional bags packed so that they don’t have to carry the overflow, but well worth the effort.
Big questions are sometimes satisfied by small answers.
And in this case, by “small” I mean few words. Matt, you are an amazing dad, and Maddy’s amazing because of all you do ; )
This is why I adore reading your blog. This post reminds me so much of the posts you had the first year and half, back when I cried at every single post…but in a good way.
You were/are an amazing husband to Liz and you are doing everything right with Maddy! Telling her these honest answers is the best thing you can do for her. She’ll always know her story. She probably won’t remember the exact time in the car when you explained what happened the moment her mom died, but she’ll remember your answer. And she’ll know that it’s alright to be sad and that it’s alright to mix laughter into some really sad, fucked up things.
I’m so happy for you and Maddy and Brooke that things have turned out so well in your world. Your story is incredibly touching.
good grief, you are an awesome dad.
I know this reads unusual to you, as you were there to witness, but so tough to compare the radiant woman from your photos with images of her in the distress you’ve written here. I cannot picture it and am saddened to think of her in any kind of pain, she was such a happy person and gorgeous. Even her complicated pregnancy makes me sad. She went through so much then died. Why always the happy people? Happy people bring so much joy. I know she brought you joy and can understand your wish to have closely comforted her during her worst, but I am sure when she was ill with pregnancy, you held her and showed her love? Or when she was saddened? Or simply spending time together, the two of you? She was a wonderful wife to you, I am sure? She comforted you as well? Tell your mini Liz of these moments where you held her mother’s hand and she yours, on this journey of life together, for the bond of love is eternally unbroken. They are not dead who live in the hearts they leave behind and your beloved wife continues her love for you behind the veil that is our physical world, for recall how the flower withers but the seed remains. Look for her each day and you shall see her, we must simply dare to open our eyes despite our doubting minds. For mini Liz, she must know that death can never destroy the bond between mother and daughter. The heart that beats inside your Madeline was formed inside your Liz and it beats with her love.
I’ve not commented often, but I wish many blessings for you both.
Laughing through tears here in the KY—thank you, imagination team!
I’m so sorry, this is horribly unfair, but I’m so, so glad to read that Maddy will have a new mommy now! I’m so excited and happy for you all, strange as it is to think of you as no longer a widower after LITERALLY just finishing your book this week! (and it’s definitely going to take some getting used to not referring to Liz as your wife, so apologies to you and Brooke if I accidentally call her that on here!), and I am so pleasantly surprised because you actually say in your book that you’ll never move on!! I thought that was overly romantic, of course he’ll date again, and look at you!! And SOON! You didn’t waste any time! =) I am SO happy the story has a happy ending. You read stories like yours and think nothing good can come out of it, but you 3 are living proof that love conquers all and everything really does have a purpose. The 3 of you are so meant to be! Congratulations!!! I am sure the honeymoon locale will be extraordinary seeing as you’ve already traveled to so many places!!
A sobbing mess….I’ve followed your story and always loved your ability to write from the heart. Such an incredible post.
Now I’m sobbing. How sensitive she is and how wonderful you are to be open and honest with her. And, oh, the simplicity and beauty of children’s minds. You’re a great dad!
Great post!!! What heartbreaking questions to have to answer.
Wow! Matt you are such a fantastic Dad! You did an awesome job answering her questions and keeping it real.
Get back to us on what an Imagination Team is though- I’m curious!
KK
I like to read through the comments for some reason; I’m weird I guess. Just read Monica’s comment, and it felt like a kick to the stomach. I don’t know why, but I feel so defensive of Liz and everything in that comment just felt….mean…toward Liz.
To me, that comment is insulting not only to Liz but also to Matt for implying that he didn’t truly love Liz.
I too am so very happy that you have Brooke in your life and in Maddy’s! She seems like such a wonderful, caring woman, and you both deserve so much happiness. But she’s not here to “replace” Liz and Liz wasn’t “just a stepping stone to find true love with Brooke.”
Matt, I’m not trying to start anything in your comment section, so please don’t feel obligated to publish this. That comment just seemed unfair and I felt the need to speak up.
For the most part, the comments on this post are nice. Some of them just floor me. I can relate to losing my partner, and it blows my mind how people just come right out and ask me questions like, “when are you going to start dating” and “when are you going to move on, he would want you to”, etc….. I believe their hearts are in the right place, but really I just wish they would not say anything at all. I get that same feeling from reading some of the comments on this post (again, I believe they are coming from a good place), and I realize that you write a blog and wrote a book about your experience (which is incredibly helpful to many, including me), but I wish people would think about what they are saying to you in their posts.
Feel free not to post this comment.
Hang in there Matt.
Monica’s comment pained me much more than this sweet, heart-wrenching post even did. And that’s saying a lot. Her audacity made my heart hurt.
I really need to remember not to read this when i’m I in public. I start bawling or laughing and I look ridiculous. Beautifully written as usual. Still waiting for an iowa visit!!
Beautiful. Bless you for sharing with all of us.
Catching up, loved this entry, love all your entries, but I don’t know that I’ve ever commented. I’m just lurky enough to read them all though and I felt compelled to now after reading @monica’s comment up several above. I’m rather surprised I’m the only one offended by that…I have to say I hope that comment is just an attempt to get a rise and/or Matt just posted that out of fairness to post all comments because WOW. I sincerely hope you don’t actually feel that way about Liz, Matt. Um, she’s now replaced and was just a stepping stone and not his true love because he loves Brooke more and Liz was too ambitious anyway??? What? He very well may have cried over something Liz wore too…did you know them? What a shame to see such a hurtful comment on such a beautiful entry about the continuing love between a beautiful mother, her husband, and their compassionate daughter…what if maddy reads these comments one day? or liz’s friends read the blog? I must be missing something because I don’t think engaged = forgetting liz like so many have suggested…sorry, but that really sucked to read. :/
as the “brookie” in question, i’m going to jump in here- though i should probably remain quiet on the subject, here i am, speaking my mind.
i am not a replacement for liz, nor was liz a “stepping stone” to find me. that comment kicked me as well- yes, it truly did. who would ever want to be described as a “stepping stone??” it diminishes the love matt has for liz, diminshes her as a person. and to suggest i’m a “replacement” diminishes the love matt has for me, diminishes me as a person.
i will be the first to say this isn’t always easy. in fact, there a lot of times when it’s incredibly difficult. but liz was an amazing woman in her own right, and i am an amazing woman in mine. to suggest that we are interchangeable is to take that away from both of us.
as far as maddy- she will always, always know her mom. whether she goes on to have siblings or not, her mom will always be liz and liz will always be a part of our family.
i know there will be many who will not understand this, and that’s okay.
the bottom line is- matt and i are doing the absolute best we can. to love each other, to love maddy, and to make sure maddy constantly feels the love of her mom.
I just have to speak up for Liz too. I admire and love her dearly and I can’t even tell you what a sucker punch to the stomach it was for me to read that comment. I can’t even imagine what it was like for Matt to read it. Respectfully, Monica, you are terribly incorrect. Liz *was* his true love, his best friend, and completely, utterly irreplaceable. She would have been an AMAZING parent, had the universe given her the chance, and she already was, as evidenced by her focus and dedication through a pretty hellish pregnancy and 5 weeks of bedrest all to bring their daughter safely into the world no matter what discomfort she herself was experiencing. Her death didn’t have a reason; it just happened. She and Matt were together from high school to their 30s, a huge chunk of time and experiences and he will no doubt deeply love and miss her forever, no matter what. But the beauty of life is that you can have more than one love in it. Do you have more than one best friend? I do. I can assure you if one died, the others wouldn’t replace the ache or love for the lost one. Every person and relationship is unique. While Brooke and Maddy obviously have a beautiful bond, she will never “replace” Madeline’s mother-and it’s obvious from her comments that this is not her intention. I grew up without my father. Just trust me on this one, Madeline will miss her mom in a way that’s hard to explain no matter who is in her life. Most of all, Matt does not have to write this blog, and comments like this ruin the experience for him and all of us who are still reading because we love his late wife and want to offer him love and support as he moves through a life he did not want nor ask for.
Monica’s comment is just cruel. How can you think he doesn’t love liz? Are we reading the same blog?
That comment broke my heart and its an insult to matt, for assuming his wife wasn’t the love of his life, liz, for saying she was too ambitious and unloved (INSANE you know he would have her back in a second if he could), and brooke, for assuming she’s a replacement and not in matt’s life because he wanted her to be. I can’t believe that comment is real. Some ppl are forgetting that he didn’t ask for this life.
On the upside, I did love ekta’s. that cushioned the blow. Hope you can read ones like hers and know most of us don’t feel like monica, matt…
This post is so beautiful. Contrary to Monica’s shockingly insensitive and ridiculous comment above, I believe that Maddy will ALWAYS be curious to learn about her amazing mother from you, and I think it’s wonderful and brave and poignant that you’re more than willing to share all that you adored about Liz (and to cry for what has been lost) with your perfect, spunky little girl. I am thrilled beyond words that you and Maddy have Brook(i)e in your lives … but to me, that means your family and the loves in your life are growing, not in any way being replaced. Maddy seems to instinctively know that … such wisdom for a not-even-4-year-old.
Wisdom that *ahem* a certain Monica should seek for herself. I’m sorry, I tried to control myself and not say anything because this post especially deserves a comment section free of people snipping at each other, but that woman’s words have me so incensed I can hardly see straight. Matt, I’m sure you give it no credence … and I hope no one else does either. To suggest that Liz would have been anything but devoted to Maddy is asinine, as is the suggestion that she was just a stepping stone. What a pathetically sad and narrow view on the complexities of love. Monica, I feel sincerely sorry for you.
Matt, Brooke, and Maddy … keep doin’ what you’re doin’. That is one fabulous, perceptive, empathetic little kid and I am so glad that you’re keeping her mom alive for her while also showering her with your own love. You are all amazing.
@monica,
I had the pleasure of knowing Liz. She was an absolutely wonderful woman who does not deserve the mean assumptions you’ve made about her on here, particularly when she is not here to defend herself. I got to know her shortly after she learned she was carrying Maddy, so my time with her was far too brief, but for that short time I knew her the love she held for Matt and as such, the love he had for her, was crystal clear. Her entire voice changed when talked about her husband, it sounds cliche but it’s true. She was also so fucking smart and business-savvy, an incredible mentor. She had so much to teach Maddy, you just don’t even know. The world lost a light when she left us. You may not have meant it, but your comment is just wrong.
I have this theory that the reason Matt doesn’t update as much as he used to is because of comments like some of the ones on this post (no matter how well-intentioned they may be). To assume he never did or doesn’t still miss his wife of 12+ years simply because he’s found love again is ludicrous. Those who think that should re-read this blog, his book, and this post.
Matt, this entry is lovely. I love entries about Liz and Madeline sounds like such an intelligent, kind little girl. I am so sorry you had to confront such painful memories without warning, but you did it so well. Maddy will always know how much you loved and continue to love her momma and that’s what really matters.
And FWIW, I attended the SWEETEST wedding last year for a widower friend who was remarrying (his 27 yr old wife died in a horrible car accident) and they spoke of his late wife in the ceremony, as well as toasted her during the reception. They even put their wedding pic in the slideshow! Know whose idea it was? The new wife’s! She understood her role in bringing him together and his continuing love for her and wanted to honor that. Don’t be so quick to label every situation as “moving on.” Love can encompass many, many people.
Oh Matt…
Maddy is growing up knowing how much her Mummy loved her & you. She seems to be able to make amazing sense out of something that has no rhyme or reason. Her insight & compassion are way beyond her (almost) four years.
There is so much of Liz in her.
Sending love.
Matt, thank you for sharing your journey with us. Brooke, well said.
It isn’t a narrow-minded view, an actual (popular) widow said the replacement thing: http://poorwidowme.blogspot.com/2010/10/remarried-widow.html
You can’t have a relationship of 3 people, can’t be in a marriage of 3. When you get married again, you are moving on from your spouse. There is no way around that. You can’t compare it to friendship when its romantic. And Maddy is so young right now, seeing someone call Brooke “mom” WOULD influence her. That’s how it works, haven’t you seen the many young kids of widows and widowers who already call their stepparents that? How is she going to properly miss/grieve her mom when she has a mom figure present?
I really didn’t mean any disrespect to Liz…I like her and I’m sorry she’s not here. I just meant Brooke may have new and different things to bring to the table. Liz was a Disney exec. She may not have had as much time to focus on family like Brooke does. Not that she wouldn’t have wanted to, just maybe this extra time with family that Brooke has cause she’s not working executive hours is a good thing that can come from a bad thing. I know they obviously didn’t WANT this life but they don’t have a choice now, so they have to make the best of it. With the stepping stone, I just meant people come in and out of our lives for a reason. One person can lead you to another person, one thing leads to another. I was responding to the sizable group of comments saying it’s this sad thing that he’s getting married again. I know he loves Liz. What I meant is that often when you lose a close family member like he did, you realize how much you took for granted they’d always be around and the next love in your life may be stronger because you know what it’s like to lose it. Like with Liz he might not have appreciated things like a special dress she wore on a special occasion not because he didn’t really love her but because he thought he’d always have her around.
I didn’t meant to upset all who care for Liz, those who knew her and those who didn’t. I’m sure she was wonderful and I do wish she was with Matt and Maddy, but I also think moving forward in life is good for a person. You can’t spend your life in mourning, the ones who do stay curled up at home never living their lives.
This blog entry was super gorgeous and honestly Matt, when you post stuff like this (though I can understand why you may not want to now and I hate that), it helps me begin to understand because I so want to believe that you’ll always love Liz forever. She is ADORABLE and I just want to hug her every time I see her picture. I know she isn’t replaceable. But as I mentioned in your q&a blog a couple months ago, I’m a cynic and have a hard time. It isn’t because I’m stupid. It’s because through Brooke’s words (which this girl referenced too), I’m shown this incredibly powerful love and happiness, yet on here and in the book, I’m shown this deep love and grief for Liz. It’s conflicting information.
If you read some of the comments on Brooke’s former blog, many are showing the same level of understanding, just less extreme, with a ton of “people move on”-type comments.
I know Brooke didn’t intend it that way, but her statement above is really ironic for me (and helpful!) because it was tough to read her blog posts/interview and not wonder if Matt’s love for Liz was somehow lacking. I’m sorry, but it was. I once had an awful moment reading her blog where I thought, ‘Wow, their love is so powerful, what would’ve happened if they’d met while Liz was alive? Would he have cheated on her?!’ We only know as much as we’re presented and that’s the information we’re being fed. Plus personally, I just find it hard to understand how you can watch your high school sweetheart who you had all these plans with die right in front of you and then meet and plan to marry someone else within 3 years. A moment like what happened to Liz would haunt me daily if I were Matt and it would take many, many years before I could be with someone else. I would love to hear more of Matt’s perspective on all of this, which is why I loved this entry and that q&a thing he did awhile back. I really want to “get it.”
/honest feedback from another side (and if I were speaking it, it would be super kind and gentle and just curious).
What a beautifully splendid andlittle special little woman. This post made me cry.
I looked at pictures of Liz tonight on Flickr and I cried for her, for all she’s lost. How much easier it is to think there was a reason for what happened to her, that it was part of some grand plan leading Matt to Brooke or something. It’s human nature to want to believe that, to make sense out of a death like Liz’s. It’s human nature to want Matt to be absolutely happy with no sadness or grief and believe that a new relationship can erase all the pain. Because this “story” hurts. It’s harder to accept that maybe life has no rhyme or reason herein. Liz developed a blood clot, she died, her husband is doing the best he can to give their daughter and himself as happy of a life as possible (I seriously doubt he is as constantly happy and grief-free as he’s made out to be; after just seeing photos of Liz I think about how hard it is to be happy knowing someone like her isn’t in our world anymore, I can’t imagine what he feels). There wasn’t a purpose and grief never really ends. That’s what this blog is about, this is what follows a moment like what happened on March 25th. I wish this blog wasn’t here. I wish Liz were with her family right now and I didn’t know who she was or who Matt is. But if it can’t be like that, I really wish people would stop and think before leaving Matt the many hurtful comments that are on this entry (Monica’s is not the only one, hers is just the most glaring because she comes at it from an unusual angle). It doesn’t just affect Matt, either. I personally find it really painful to read comments about how he’s letting go of Liz, moving on from Liz, forgetting Liz, or even getting married and having kids without Liz (it’s none of our business anyway), and on and on. I already feel so awful for her and that doesn’t help at all.
I was really, really excited to finally see an entry about her again and those comments just wrecked it entirely.
hey matt,
it looks like i’m one of the few guys reading this, but loved the book and loving the blog. i think you’re doing an incredible job in a tough situation. kudos to you, man.
I think you handled that one like a champ Matt. Those questions tend to knock me on my ass..knock the wind right out of my lungs and shakes me to my core…but I answer them….as best as I can (it’s getting a bit easier since the PIT is 9 now and understands so much more than I like to admit)
It was a lot more challenging when she was 5 and asking me why she looked like she should speak Spanish….surprise, you’re biracial. But even now, just last week in fact, we went out for dinner. She said “where did you and my dad go for dinner when you guys went out?” I didn’t see that one coming & it took me a second to process the question and then LET myself remember the answer….”Chinese food” I answered…”there was a place not far from where we lived that had the BEST beef & broccoli and whenever you’re dad took me out, he took me out for my favorite…beef & broccoli”. I could feel the tears coming and the urge to vomit (as I always do when talking about my ex) when the PIT looked at me and said “Mom, you don’t even like broccoli, how can that be your favorite?! Did you only eat the beef?!” I chuckled because that kid knows me SO well….I did and still do only eat the beef. (The PIT loves broccoli. She ate it for me….just like her dad used to do….)
Keep up the great work Matt. And yes, you are doing a great job
Your post brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face all at he same time. From one (former) widow to another, I truly understand.
As a long time Mom of three and grandma of four…keep on answering each and every question with nothing but the truth….the best thing in the long run! I always tell my granddaughters that they can ask me ANYTHING and that I will answer truthfully!
That comment made my heart break. It’s your blog and your life. I wouldn’t even publish that kind of crap if I were you, I’d just delete it and be done.
Maddy is so precious and looks just like her mom! You guys are all AWESOME!
Reading in NJ!
Jordyn
I love how you write. Love, love, love it. God Bless you all.
What a lovely, lovely little girl. You must have grown a good amount of compassion in one so young, for her to wonder if her mama’s hand was held as she died. That’s a wonderful thing. Bless you and little Maddy.
And please, let poor Oliver know we feel badly about his loss of his place on the team! lol
She sure is 40 going on 4! Amazing Matt,nice job.
One of my friends recommended your blog because the similarities in family tragedy, comedy, and regular heaping of the ‘fuck’ word. Laughed, cried, thought ‘fuck’ once again – yep I see it.
http://mysonsaretard.blogspot.com/2011/01/so-what-do-you-tell-bridget.html
I think what Yosra wrote earlier is so powerful, so true and so beautifully said.
I love reading the different comments on your blog, so many are so well spoken and far more eloquent than I could ever convey over the web.
Peace out, Oliver.
In addition to agreeing with every other comment here about how wonderfully you handled this, how special and fabulous Maddy is, and what a great dad you are, you are also doing something else really important: you are teaching your daughter that it’s ok for men to cry – not just ok, but the right response to utter grief! on behalf of her future friends, male and female, thank you.
WHOA! Tear city there. I have read your blog off and on since shortly after you lost Liz. I read all the news articles I found. I read Two Kisses for Maddy and laughed and cried with you. And just now…I cried with you. That was one TOUGH question!!!
With 2 comments, I think this is the most I’ve commented perhaps ever. I know I should probably just follow the lead of everyone else and ignore Monica’s follow-up comment and Maria’s comment, especially on such a touching post that doesn’t need drama, but I’m just stunned. HE WOULD NEVER have CHEATED on LIZ! That’s insane. Maria, please stop and re-read what you just typed. Aside from the fact there’s a PERSON behind the blog, a lot of the earlier comments remark on how, in the book, Matt was so concerned and gentle with Liz when she passed out – Maria, people who would consider cheating on their spouses, people who do not love their spouses, would not care that much! If you’ve read his book, read it again and pay close to attention to the little things he does for Liz when she’s on bedrest (like never letting her spend a night alone), pay attention to the words he uses to describe her, the way he talks about her. He LOVED her. Also note that Liz was a smart, smart woman and I doubt she would’ve stayed with a man who didn’t love and appreciate her! We are on a blog filled with stories about her. Start from the beginning. In fact, Monica you should too. Somewhere along the way a bunch of people must’ve just lost the reason why this blog continues, why there’s a book, and who a foundation is in honor of. :/
That’s all. I promise I won’t say anymore. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t take it! He loved his wife! Gah!
ugh, i had a major post typed out and it didn’t go through…
point is people, 2 in my family have went what Matt & Brooke are going through. They lost their spouses instantly and in unbelievable ways. Both dated and remarried within a short period of time. They have children. One lives in the home her deceased husband spent months custom building just for her, so he is everywhere, and her now husband of a few months is so understanding, just like Brooke. There’s no time limit!!! Both of my relatives were NOT even looking for love, and they both speak of the spouses they lost and the new ones we gained and our families embrace it. yes, big blended families. lots of holiday gatherings and so much damn love going round.
I will say the steppin stone shit pissed me off, as my relatives weren’t a stepping stone to the new husbands. They lost their lives so tragically. One didn’t get to meet his daughter as his wife was 6mos pregnant when he died. He was 24 yrs old.
watch what you say. seriously. dont be a fucker.
kudos to brooke & matt. youre a class above…
What a beautiful mix of poignant and hilarious. She is a great little weight to balance life out, isn’t she? She is so aware and so sensitive. You have a really good one, you know. <3
Matt – no one will ever know exactly what it is like to go through what you have gone through, but you yourself. So who are ‘they’ to tell you what you should (or should not) be feeling? Especially on such a beautiful blog post (grr!) You should never feel compelled to justify yourself, your relationships or what you have gone through and how you are dealing with everything. People say they don’t understand how you can move on (if I can be so bold to use such a term) and what do they know, because they haven’t lived through anything close to what you have experienced (judging from their purely ignorant comments). I would like to see them try, and do one iota as well as you have. Brooke is truly a light for you and your lovely daughter, *especially* because she will never let Maddy forget who her Mommy was.
Love to you, Liz, Brooke and Maddy
You have a beautiful daughter.
And she, a beautiful daddy.
Don’t be afraid to cry in front of Maddie. I resent my dad for never crying about my mother’s death or even talking about her. It is very important…you are handling it beautifully. You are a very special father with a very special child.
I’m new to the blog and have had to visit in little increments of time (no leisure for science majors), so I didn’t know who Brooke was until I read the comments! On the other one I read, I thought she was a nanny! Clearly I need to read the blog in order! ahaha
Ditto to Adrianne, Summer, and Courteney’s comments…I loved Liz in the book. Your stories of her and your relationship made me laugh. (Favorite was when you were trying to propose and Liz was like “omg you bought me earrings!” and you’re like “no…” hahaha) You guys were so in-sync. It made me believe there really are men out there who love, care for, and show emotion for their wives. Sad as it sounds, I haven’t seen that in my life. Even though I’m new, I can’t believe you feel differently since her death. Your book was too loving toward her.
I also really hate the terms “moving on” and “moving forward” too. It sounds cold…
@Monica – I assume you are not a widow? Well I am, please don’t presume every widow(er) grieves the same way. Just because one widow says one thing, does not mean the millions of others out there feel the same way. You cannot argue a point about being a widow if you are not one. I can’t even argue some points for other widow(er)s because we all grieve differently.
Personally, I think Maddy would probably ask MORE questions if she had a sibling. It is a confusing situation for an adult, let alone a child. And I personally hope that as my son grows older (he’s only 2, 7 weeks old when his daddy died) that he asks tons of questions about him. That’s how we keep him ‘alive’ and in our lives, by talking about him.
I (and I know lots of other widows) also don’t refer to it as ‘moving on’, but rather ‘moving forward’, because our late partners will always be a part of us and our lives, and we carry them with us, we don’t leave them behind. It’s not ‘replacing them’, I find that so offensive as someone who is now in a new relationship. You CAN love 2 people at once. No, it is not like loving 2 living people or cheating. YOu just make space in your heart for someone else, you don’t replace it. People can mourn forever. Just not the same as you do early on. Grief changes. I will still love and miss my late partner when I am an old lady.
I would also not judge who is the ‘better’ or who has the ‘stronger’ love just from what I read on a blog. It’s a different love, no comparing.
Just a little education from a widow, hoping to maybe put some understanding out there for people who don’t know what it’s like (and hope you never have to! At least not until your very old).
Brooke, I agree with you. And I know it takes a special person to ‘understand’ and see it from the view point of a widow.
Maria, it is easy for you to say what you “would” do in the chance you had to suffer a loss of a spouse. But in reality, you have NO CLUE what you would do unless you go through it. We can all sit back and say ‘I woudn’t date for xyz amount of time’ and I’m sure Matt would have said the same thing before Liz passed. But once that happens and you are in the midst of it, things change. What feels like 3 years for you reading his story more than likely feels like an eternity for Matt. I have a friend whose husband passed away 3 years ago and she always said she wouldn’t date for a very long time. Well guess what – she just got married this past weekend. Does that mean that she didn’t love her first husband, the father of her 3 sons? Not at all. It just meant that she met someone and fell in love with him and wanted to share her ‘new’ life with him – the life she has to face now without her husband, the life Matt is forced to face without Liz. The fact that you wonder if he would have cheated on Liz if he had met Brooke while married is absolutely ridiculous. Do you think that about every single person who lost a spouse and remarried? Had he met Brooke while married he wouldn’t have gotten to know her on the level he did and wouldn’t have had the chance to fall in love with her because he loved Liz. It’s not like they looked at each other and fell in love immediately, but since he was widowed he did get the chance to get to know Brooke on a level that wouldn’t have been possible before, and then they fell in love. The fact of the matter is, when you marry a widow, there ALWAYS is another person present in the relationship. Especially if there is a child involved. Liz will ALWAYS be a part of their lives now, and even 50 years down the road.
Matt, I’ve read your blog since the beginning. I’ve followed your tweets, I’ve read your book, I’ve even emailed you a couple of times (sent you a picture of my daughter who is a month older than Maddy and they used to sleep the exact same way with their arms behind their head) I think you are doing an AMAZING job raising your daughter and I think it is great that she knows about her mom and Liz’s love for her and also is able to have a mother figure in her life like Brooke. I wish you all a lifetime of happiness. Liz would have wanted you to be happy and would have wanted Maddy to have someone she can talk to about the things that will come up and a girl will only want to talk to another female about. I know I would want that for my daughter. I really hope you continue to post on the blog, I really look forward to reading about your lives and the way things are going for you guys! Any chance there is another book in the future about your life after meeting Brooke and the struggles you guys faced? I would love to read that and I’m sure it would be helpful for other widows!
Oh, and since when are blog comments like the game of telephone?!? One person mentioned they can’t wait to hear when you get engaged and all of a sudden people are commenting and congratulating you on your engagment, lol!
Oh Matt, you are so aweome with her! She knows her daddy’s a real person who can express his feelings, which makes you approachable. She already knows, at such a young age, she can go to you with anything. I love it that she can give it back to you (about Oliver). What a wonderful realtionship you are cultivating with her.
I came on here originally to say I never thought I’d have to use my knowledge of your story and the foundation. Unfortunately I know a lady who was widowed suddenly last week, leaving her with a 4 y/o and 14 y/o. I just wanted to say I’m thankful for all you’ve done to help people who’ve experienced such tremendous loss. Your girl has an awesome role model!
“A moment like what happened to Liz would haunt me daily if I were Matt.”
This jumped out at me. When Matt was doing his book tour, he gave a lot of interviews you can easily Google and I remember him saying he couldn’t get those images of her in those moments out of his mind. He slept on his couch for like a year, because he couldn’t go back in their bedroom. I even remember a post a couple years ago where he took Maddy to the hospital for an x-ray, heard a code blue over the loud speaker, and internally panicked. The counselor in me actually thinks he may have some Post Traumatic Stress (psychoanalyzing you over the Internet, Matt ;p). I obviously don’t know him personally so can’t speak for him and could be wrong, but I find it highly unlikely all those feelings just disappeared when he met Brooke. More likely, it’s just sitting there, waiting to be brought to the surface, as this post demonstrates.
I understand feeling sad for Liz and that clouding one’s perception. For a lot of reasons. But I don’t understand thinking Matt didn’t really love her. He, I’d imagine, wishes she were here right now just as much as you guys do, even with someone else in his life now. And I get the idea Brooke quite possibly understands that as well. Which says a lot about her. Can you imagine dealing with that?
Love the “comments like a game of telephone.” I was thinking the same thing! It goes from “What a beautiful entry, you really were holding Liz, you loved her so much” to “When are you proposing to Brooke?” to “Congrats on your engagement!” to “Eh, Liz was just a stepping stone, congrats on the upcoming birth of your 2nd child!” Matt, I hope you can at least find some amusement in that progression. Internet, you be crazy. :p
People should stop badgering Matt about getting married again. If he decides to do that, it is truly his business. Besides, this post makes it clear that he is still very much in love with Liz and still dealing with her death. Though he may carry this grief with him forever and a new wife would help him through it, it still seems quite ripe for him to consider remarriage. But only he knows when the time is right. True, their relationship started out fast-paced. In an interview, Brooke said she fell in love with him in 3 days and moved in with him within 4-5 months of dating. However, that doesn’t mean they’re getting married. Since then, they’ve slowed things down. They could break up, they could stay together forever without marrying, they could get married, who knows? It’s his personal decision and he will know when, and decide if he wants to announce it.
Ok I was the one who said I hope that one of these days he would post saying that he was getting engaged. I have not said anything as of yet but I feel I want to say something now after all the comments I have read. First of all get real people, this Blog is not a fairy tale book you are reading, this is real life. When someone passes on they don’t come back. I know everyone wants Matt to forever carry a torch for Liz and remain the sad widower but this is the real world. Your life does go on. With me saying that,I hope people don’t take my “carry a torch” comment out of text.
Just because Matt now has a relationship with Brook doesn’t mean he didn’t love Liz or doesn’t still love or miss Liz. I am sure he will always have a special place for Liz in his heart and he will always have a constant reminder of Liz when he looks at maddy.
My brothers partner died right after Liz did in June, 2008. She too died from complications of birth, she coded only one hour after her daugther was born. We have a beautiful little girl named Sophia whom is being raised by her Daddy and her Grandmother.
I see my niece progressing now and realizing that her family is not like alot of the other families. She is in pre-school and see’s all the other kids with their mothers and their brothers or sisters. She has suddenly started caling her Grandmother who is (78) mom even after us telling her numerous times that her Grandmother is not her mother. I am sure that Maddy thinks of Brook as her mother figure, I have always wanted to ask Matt if she ever calls Brook mom, and if she does what do they tell her. Don’t you think Maddy might like to have a a mommy/step mom maybe a brother or sister in the future? Don’t you think she deserves to someday have a mother figure?
Sadly, my brother has not found anyone yet to share his life again but I pray every night that he would find someone who would be willing to raise his daughter with him and who would love his daugther as her own.
As for Brook, from what Matt has written about her, she is a wonderful person. It must be very hard to date a person who has lost a loved one and especially the way Matt lost Liz. I can tell you this from experience, loosing someone after child birth is probably one of the worst losses you can ever experience. To be so happy over the birth of your child, such a happy experience turn into such a heartbreaking situation. The feeling is so unbelievable that i don’t even think you can ever really imagine the pain and disbelief you go thru unless you have gone thru it yourself.
So I stand by my comment, I hope that Brook and Matt continue to date and I look forward to the day I hear they are engaged. And if they find kids in their future, I would be so happy for Maddy to have a brother or sister. I know that you will never forget Liz the love of your life, but I also know from your journal and book that you had a great life with your wife and your were content being a husband/father and I hope that you will find that contentment again because you deserve to be happy.
I know that some of you will take this out of content but I really hope that you don’t. I too love his book and the great love story he had but I am also looking forward to the next chapter of his life.
Rosann
I love that she asked why her mom wanted to buy the house. Such a unique question. What a beautiful soul.
And yes, it’s way too late at night for me to be reading this, but what better way to cure insomnia?
This was a simply beautiful blog post. I wish you and Maddy all the best in the world.
I love the “and many times before it” part. It’s a beautiful testament to your relationship with and love of her mom (which I don’t believe ends with death). It’s so important for Maddy to know how much you love her mom. Especially since you have a new woman in your life. You don’t ever want her to have the misperception that Liz is replaced, because as she gets older, contrary to some people’s remarks (meh), she will most likely be greatly attached to her mom’s memory. I think this is my favorite of anything you’ve written.
I’m super sorry about the insensitive comments on this…it really puts a damper in the beauty of the poem. I’m really tired of people saying you’ve moved on or are over Liz or whatever. I know it’s hard to grasp if someone hasn’t experienced it, but still. I know this isn’t the blog to say it, but can I say I also didn’t care for the wording in the interview that has a trackback to this post? Your quotes are as touching as ever, but the article’s wording just seemed so cold toward Liz. It read as her being apart of your past not present, you’ve moved forward, happy and grief-free, and hey, if you do forget her, which is unlikely but not impossible, Maddy looks like her mom! I know it wasn’t intended that way, but it all just left a bad taste in my mouth. (not to mention that I think telling a child there is definitely nothing after this life is no more true than telling one there definitely is something, the true answer is we don’t know, but I digress). It just bugged me. Is every person from here on out going to refer to you as having moved on or forward or whatever? It gets old fast. lol I’ve grown to love that spunky blonde from your pics and stories and I join the ranks of people super sad for her by those remarks. Comments like that imply Liz isn’t missed anymore and that the pain of her death had a time frame, only lasting for about a year or so and then everyone got over it.
I lost my wife 7 years ago last week of the same thing, most likely caused by her birth control pill. She said she wasn’t feeling well one day at home and then just dropped to the ground. I was doing CPR until the ambulance arrived…as you’re well aware, it was and always will be the worst, most traumatic day of my life. A friend turned me onto your blog a year or so ago and I’ve been silently reading ever since. It’s been a comfort. I’ve never met another young widower, never even talked to one.
At around year 2 or 3, everyone around me assumed I was over it all. They were surprised when I mentioned her. They kept telling me to date. I just couldn’t do it. But a few months ago, I met a wonderful woman. Now the responses run the gamut from assuming if I wasn’t over it before I am now, to anger that I’d ever be with someone else. Every way is the wrong way.
The worst is when they refer to Katie (my wife) as my ‘ex.’ I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced that with Liz. I can’t breathe for a second when it happens. Or when they just don’t refer to her at all…Sharing memories of her, seeing photos and video, I admit even talking aloud to her, is what gets me through. 7 years into it, my feelings for her have not and will never change. I would give absolutely anything to have her back. But there’s nothing I can do.
Just wanted to tell you I can relate. I think those who created society’s rules for grief never grieved a day in their life.
I hadn’t been here in a while and this was the first post I read. Like everyone else, I cried. You are doing such an amazing job with your daughter. Sometimes I wonder how you keep your sanity. I would have lost it so long ago.
Thank you for letting us into your world and for being so honest with us all. I love reading your blog and seeing MAddy grow up right befor our eyes.
FWIW Matt, my mom died of cancer when I was 4. I’m an only child. My dad never remarried. He always said it would take an extraordinary woman to occupy the space in his heart my mom occupies (they were h.s sweethearts as well) and he’s yet, 16 years later, to find that woman. I certainly am not diminshing Brooke’s role in Maddy’s life – you can never have too much love! – but I hate that men like you and my dad and countless others are continually told that if they’re raising daughters, she has to have a “mother figure.” I didn’t have one and I think I turned out okay. As long as a child has one person with whom they can be given unconditional love and support, that’s all they need. My dad is my best friend. I can tell him anything and yes, even the girlie stuff. He mastered the braid as well!
I know you and Maddy will be the same way. With her especially, she has been surrounded by loving female influences, such as Awesome Auntie Deb, her whole life. She’ll never go without emotional love and support, no matter who enters her life. I also wasn’t harmed by not having a sibling. I babysat as a teen and got my kid fix that way. Honestly, there are a lot of complex feelings that go with grieving the loss of your mom when you aren’t able to remember her. And YES, she will grieve. What a crazy statement to say she won’t care. Just because she didn’t know her outside the womb? THAT is precisely why she will grieve, possibly harder and longer than those who did know their parents. It isn’t easy. My mom’s wedding ring is shining back at me from my finger as I type this. I need to feel close to her. And just recalling my own experiences, if I had had a sibling and a stepmom (take it with a grain of salt, of course), I think I might’ve felt awkward discussing my mom with either of them present, no matter how close we were. And they’d always be present, being family, so I’d feel inhibited. Especially with Maddy being so young, if it were my kid (key word being “if”), I’d wait until she’s a little older and able to process it more otherwise it will, as someone else said, only confuse her to have Brooke as mom, Matt as dad, but where is Liz, her mom? She’s just so young. I’m sure Matt takes those kind of things into consideration with his choices. He’s been Maddy’s mother and father since Day 1. She will never lack for love and regardless, she’s going to be just fine. =)
You’re an amazing father and writer, Matt. I know your wife will be proud no matter what you do. She married you because she trusted you.
I don’t think Matt’s life is secretly a fairytale. Nor do I hold delusions that Liz is going to one day march into her house demanding to know what the heck is going on. It just hurts. It’s painful to know Matt’s ‘forever’ won’t be with Liz. It hurts to know that all she planned and dreamed will never be experienced by her, but by another woman. It’s absolutely no offense to Brooke whatsoever. She didn’t choose this anymore than Matt did. But it hurts it isn’t Liz. That’s all.
I often wonder how Liz’s family or her close friends like Anya deal with this? I’m assuming they know you still love Liz? As long as her family and the friends you both shared know this, public opinion really doesn’t matter. But it’s still difficult to know that so many think differently. Someone above mentioned the interview in the trackbacks – even a WRITER says you’ve moved on?! Frankly, it’s an insult to Liz’s memory. And I can’t imagine it isn’t painful to read. I remember a specific moment in the book where you actually internally promise Liz that you’ll never move on. I am delusional enough to believe she can hear those things.
It’s been said by everyone, but I just feel bad for her.
Haven’t been here in a while and it was good to read through some posts and get caught up. Stay strong and good for you to be honest and straight forward with Maddie!
Tony
This made me cry. The relationship you had with Liz was beautiful and it continues, albeit in a different way, with her daughter. Liz was your best friend. As Maddy grows, you and she will be best friends. It’s beautiful.
In light of all these comments, I wanted to share this with you, in case you haven’t read it. I really think you and Brooke might like it: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2011/05/my_husbands_other_wife.html
I’m glad someone else mentioned that article. Have you read it, Matt? It made me cry and I couldn’t figure out why, but it was totally the tone. The whole looking into Maddy’s eyes and telling her she’ll never, ever meet her mom. Surely he doesn’t do it that way. Yes, her mom died, but geez. That’s a little harsh. Even saying Liz ‘complained’ of being lightheaded bothered me. I was thinking, she didn’t complain. She wasn’t whining. She was just telling her husband and nurses. There’s something to be said for word choice. I was going to comment on it, but it looks like she disabled comments.
It’s clear how much you loved your wife, Matt. Ignore anyone who says otherwise. Liz no doubt knew she was loved and Maddy will know that too. And I just know Liz’s first concern would be the safety, health, and happiness of her husband and daughter, way before she’d even think about what she lost. As long as you both are taken care of, I think Liz would be happy. I’m sure you’d feel the same if the roles were reversed.
Oh, Matt, you were and still are a wonderful husband to Liz. I’ve never seen you look as happy and proud as you do in photos with her, and her eyes just held so much love for you. I don’t know how many of the comments you’re able to read, but I hurt for you (and Liz) reading some of these. Just because some of your readers wouldn’t personally remarry doesn’t give them the right to impose their views so cruelly on others. It’s your choice. You were there for Liz from beginning to end; I can’t imagine why anyone would think you’d ever have cheated on her. Yes, Brooke and Matt moved quickly, but that isn’t any of our business. Only he knows how he was emotionally able to do that; it isn’t for us to critique.
And you weren’t holding Liz’s hand when she died, but all of her. You only stepped away so that she could be helped. Madeline will understand all of that. She won’t think you just weren’t there for her mom. It’s amazing that she already cares so much about her to ask that question, and even more amazing that she wanted to know if you were holding Liz. It shows that she knows you take care of the ones you love, and that she recognizes your love for her mom and knew you’d want to comfort her.
I really hope she never reads that stepping stone/Brooke is loved more comment. Or the cheating one. Heck, most of these. What painful things to read about her beautiful, and I’m sure still very much loved and missed by many, mother. Maybe before commenting, stop and consider that 10 years from now, Madeline might want to read the comments…
*funny unrelated side note: You know you’re famous now because I counted at least 3 comments from men! Since when does that happen on here? haha
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