for my plan of

hiking and reading everyday.

i feel like i’m

busier now than

ever before.

let’s get right into it…

on august 11th

the goodmans arrived

for our third

annual trip to celebrate

my wedding anniversary.

while we waited

for them to arrive

i watched maddy

try to drive

my car,

play with some

bamboo sticks,

and pick the flowers

in our yard.

as she played

i thought about

liz

and the fact

that i had two

wedding anniversaries with

her, and now

three without her.

it just didn’t

seem possible.

there was our child

playing in the yard,

just as

liz

pictured it.

fuck.

***

the next day

we were all on

our way to central california.

maddy entertained

us the entire way

her new favorite thing?

to hear stories

with her as the

main character.

we all laughed

our asses off

as she would yell,

“talk about the maddy”

at the end of

each story.

grandma candee and

grandpa tom tell me

that this is

in the genes…

liz

used to sit on

a swing, yelling,

“somebody push me!”

let me translate both

phrases for you.

“pay attention to me!”

i love to see

those personality traits

coming through, even

though the only

time they had

together was

while maddy was in

the womb.

along the way,

we made an

unplanned stop.

as soon as we

turned into the

lookout point,

i recognized the place…

we had been

here a few years earlier.

almost exactly four

years ago.

i had just returned

from india,

just in time for

our first wedding anniversary.

and we headed up

to the santa ynez valley

to visit the wineries.

along the way,

we had stopped here.

in this very place.

instantly recalled from

the depths of

my mind,

the photo of

liz.

double fuck.

we were parked

and we all needed

to stretch our legs,

so we did.

and we took some photos.

soon we were

back in the car

and on our way,

but i couldn’t

help but think of

that time

four years earlier.

i just wish i could

remember more of it.

***

after a few more

hours of driving,

including a nice drive

along a very dark

pacific coast highway,

we finally found the

place that candee

had booked for us.

candee and debbie

offered to hang out

with maddy while

tom, brooke and i

went on a search

for food.

as it turns out,

there are no grocery

stores or restaurants open

past 10:00 on a week

night in that

part of the world.

so that night we

ate food from

a gas station a few

miles south of

where we stayed.

and it was awesome.

***

the next morning

we headed to san simeon

to check out

hearst castle.

we took a tour

that was shortened

for some of us

because madeline decided

she liked hearing her

voice echo in

the huge rooms.

we rejoined the

rest of the group

and madeline fell

in love with the

indoor pool.

no trip to

any historical monument

would be complete

without a stop

in the gift shop.

brooke (or “brookie” as maddy calls her)

picked up a

toy for maddy

that had both of

us reliving our childhoods.

soon we were back

at the house…

while the ladies

slept, i went on

a short photo

excursion with tom.

after nap time,

we went to visit

the elephant seals…

that night we had

an even better meal

than the night before.

this time from

a grocery store,

and not a gas station.

***

the next morning

we jumped in the car

and headed north

toward monterey so

we could take in

one of maddy’s

favorite activities…

checking out an aquarium.

we had a lovely

drive up the pch

and after a short

stop at pebble beach,

we found ourselves

at the aquarium,

where maddy’s mind

was officially blown.

and then she

got a little confused.

after an early dinner

in monterey, we

drove home,

enjoying the sun set.

once it got dark,

the lovely twists

and turns we experienced

on a well-lit

pch became a little

too much for

some of us to handle

(i won’t mention any names here).

the next morning

we explored the back yard

then checked out of

our place and stopped

to see maddy’s new

favorite animals.

brooke took control of

my camera for

a few minutes,

and got some of

my favorite photos ever.

soon we were

on the road

back to los angeles,

but we made sure

we stopped along

the way.

first, in morro bay,

where maddy thought

for a few seconds

that she didn’t want

her feet to

touch the sand

then decided she

didn’t care.

later we stopped in

san luis obispo

and i almost threw

up in bubble gum alley.

(so, so gross).

we had a short

stop for lunch

(and coloring)

then got stuck

in some awful traffic

on the way

through santa barbara.

while we waited,

brooke and i

settled on a destination

for her birthday trip

(which was the next tuesday).

a couple of hours later

we were back in

los angeles, and after

a quick unpacking/repacking

of our bags,

we were in the

car and on our way

to vegas while

maddy stayed back with

grandma, grandpa and auntie debbie.

we made it to vegas

in record time, and

got checked into

our hotel at 1:30am.

we went out for

a couple of hours,

and i watched as brooke

won a few dollars.

(i lost $20).

the next morning we

caught up with

my friend mark

who was in town from

the mn.

the three of us

hit the pool at

mgm, doing our best

to stay cool in the

awful heat

(we probably should have just stayed inside).

after a long day

at the pool,

we had

a great dinner

at the belaggio.

the next day

we walked through a

couple of casinos

and had lunch

before brooke found

a slot machine

that just called

her name.

within minutes

she won $120.

from a penny slot machine.

birthday girl’s luck.

i lost $40.

and like total

tourists, we had

to get a photo doing this:

and this:

soon we were back

in the car

and on our way

back to maddy.

i insisted we stop

and take a photo here:

four hours later

we were back home.

it was important

and necessary

for us to get away

(as it is for any couple),

but we both missed that

little girl so much,

and were happy to be home.

***

the next day we

said goodbye

to the goodmans

and it was back

to our everyday lives.

i’m pretty damn lucky

to have such

great people in

my life…

such understanding in-laws,

and an understanding

woman in brooke.

***

something i failed to write about (at least on my blog) was my experience at camp widow. you can read more about it here.

my favorite part of the weekend (besides getting to hang out with new and old friends), was fulfilling a life long dream of giving away a giant check (on behalf of the liz logelin foundation).

the recipient of this grant, emily morgan, is the 43rd llf grant recipient. it’s primarily readers of this blog that made this possible, and i wanted to make sure that you all got special thanks.

also, i wanted to remind folks that the llf walk run hope 5k and celebration of hope gala are coming up. we’d love to have you at both events, so sign up as soon as possible to beat the deadline for the 5k and to get discounted tickets for the gala.

please help us give out more big checks.

thanks,

m.

(oh…and a book update coming soon. seriously. like, on or before this friday).

considering i’ve been

missing in action the

past few weeks

(this book-writing stuff is fucking time consuming).

so…

here goes:

a few weeks ago

we had some visitors

in town.

mark, jeffra and mckenna

came down from fresno

for a little fun.

the girls

worked on expelling

some energy,

then they got to

go on a short

horsey ride.

then we took them

to a place

where the

horseys weren’t

real, but were

equally fun.

the next day maddy

got a push

in a toy

that i’ve since learned

has been recalled.

(luckily the handle didn’t come off of ours).

and the next day

we had a few

friends over

for some food and beer.

…….

one day while

picking maddy up

from daycare,

i learned that

she was capable of

pedaling a tricycle,

so we went right out

and bought one.

for some reason,

she was more interested

in doing this:

later she did some running.

maddy had been

talking the horseys

so much that

it was obvious

we had to go back

and visit them.

then it was time

for the playground.

and finally, the swings.

(she says this to me a lot).

…….

the next weekend

we were asked

to take part in

a portion of the

10 year reunion activities

at scripps college.

i hadn’t been

out there since

liz

graduated in 2000.

i knew it would

be a tough day for

me, but i also

knew that it would

be awesome for

maddy to see

her where her mom

went to college.

we made our way

out to claremont,

maddy singing me her

abc song

the entire way.

(i loved every second of it).

we arrived a

little earlier than

i expected, so we

got a chance to walk

around the campus a bit.

i walked maddy through

the gate i walked

through the first time

i ever came out

to claremont to visit

liz.

i held maddy’s hand

as we walked

along the sidewalk,

pointing out

the dorm her mom

lived in as

a first-year student.

we stopped briefly

so she could work

on her balancing act,

then we continued our tour.

i pointed to the

rooms in which

liz

spent her sophomore,

junior and senior years,

telling maddy about

the great times

we had there together.

soon it was time

for brunch.

we met up with

some familiar faces,

catching up

with those i hadn’t

spoken to in years,

and laughing with those

i see more often.

maddy rubbed strawberries

all over the fancy

dress she was wearing

for the occasion.

i just shook my head.

after brunch

we joined some of

liz’s

classmates for a

walk through the grass,

headed toward the

rose garden.

with maddy walking

ahead of me,

i continued the conversation

that we had

started earlier.

“maddy. your mom used to pick roses from this garden and put them in a vase before each visit*, as if i’d notice…”

i paused, then

finished the sentence.

“i guess i did.”

behind me i heard

a chuckle.

it was

liz’s

friend, aislinn

who happened to

overhear my conversation

with madeline.

i did my best

to hold back the tears

as i laughed about

what i’d just said.

maddy did what

her mom used to do

then did a

little running.

soon we were standing

near another

entrance to campus,

the one i used

most often when i

came out for a visit.

on the walls

near this entrance

are the names of the

graduates from years past.

with the help

of her classmates,

we were directed

to the wall where

liz’s

class wrote their names.

i immediately found

liz’s

name and pointed it

out to maddy.

we took some time

to get a photo

with the ladies

then continued

our walk through

the campus.

maddy wanted to

get her feet wet

so i let her do so.

she ended up with

some pom-poms

and she did her

own cheer.

still more walking

and finally a

stop at a koi pond

to watch the fish

and check out the flowers.

i bought maddy

a squirrel

and she immediately

had him climbing a tree.

it was a

great day

that would have

been a lot different

if things had

been different.

(last week we were in mn…more about that soon).

*(at least while they were in bloom…this wasn’t the time to explain to madeline that rose bushes must be cut back in late winter/early spring).

that the child

she bore seven

weeks before her due date

is as healthy

as you are.

she would not believe that

her child

talks as much as

she once did.

she would not believe

that her child

climbs everything she encounters.

she would not believe

how much you

resemble her

(in almost every way imaginable).

she would be proud of

what you’ve become.

she would be proud of

what i’ve become.

she would not

believe how far

we

have come.

and she would be

proud of this

…

as you slept the

other night,

i read a line

from this book i’ve

been reading…

“no one is truly dead, until they are no longer loved.”

sounds about right.

because there’s so much

love for

your mom,

now and forever.

and because of

our love for her,

we not only exist,

but so does

she.

my life,

before, during and after

my time with

liz.

and since she died,

it’s been my friends

and family and stranger friends

and music and books and

travel and writing and

memories and photography

and baseball and cheeseburgers

and beer and this blog

and countless other things

that have all been

huge sources

of happiness for me.

and then there’s madeline.

what can i say about

her now that

i don’t think every second,

that i don’t write down

whenever i can,

that i don’t capture

on virtual film

every day?

well, she’s been

my biggest source of

happiness since

liz

died, my reason for

getting out of bed

in the morning,

the reason

i can pull myself

together after

finding a long lost

photo of

liz

in a box in our garage,

the reason i haven’t

fled the country

with just my ipod and wallet.

madeline is my everything.

without her, i would be nowhere,

but with her

i am here.

and now.

there’s another source of

happiness in my life.

her name is brooke.

and we’re dating.

if you’ve looked

at my flickr photostream

lately, that

may be rather obvious.

it’s weird how

things like this

can sneak up

on you,

but i’m happy it did.

we met briefly

last september,

a five minute conversation

that found me

teasing her

(that should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me).

we hung

out a couple of

times at the end of november.

and in december,

when maddy and i

were in mn for

the holidays,

we spent even more time together.

and now,

she’s been out to

los angeles to visit

us twice since

we returned here at the

end of january.

she makes me smile,

and maddy

really loves her.

how do i know?

because madeline hates

most women, yet

she lets brooke do

her hair without

putting up a fight.

but this…

this relationship,

it’s something i’ve

been reluctant to talk about.

why?

because it’s hard

enough to discuss this

with my friends

and family, face-to-face,

let alone

with strangers

on my blog.

plus, i’m pretty

sure this is gonna

change the way

that some people view me.

there’s a line in

this song

conveys my feelings

better than i could.

and widows and widowers,

the people that

i’ve committed to helping,

both through my words

and through the foundation

i started in

liz’s

name, may think

i no longer “get” them.

i assure you,

i do.

finding another source

of happiness does

not mean that i

have moved

past the pain,

’cause i still feel

that pain on a daily basis.

and this doesn’t mean

that i have replaced

liz.

the way i look at

things is that when

liz

died, i died.

but i was reincarnated

a moment later,

and i’m

lucky enough

to have the memories

of my previous

life still with me.

these memories,

both good

and bad,

come to play in my

everyday life,

and it’s these memories

that will keep

liz

alive for madeline.

she will know

her mother through

my memories of her,

through the photographs

i’ve taken,

through the family and

friends that i

hold dear,

and it’s these people who will

remain in her life,

and my life forever.

and i see this

whole thing

as an evolutionary process,

a process that has

me moving through,

not moving on,

because moving on

is impossible.

but happiness…

it’s been here the

whole time,

even in my darkest,

most fucked-up

moments, yes, there

has been happiness.

and with brooke

now in our lives,

there’s even more happiness.

and i don’t see

how that

could be anything

but positive.

(here are some photos of the last week).

back in nov. 2009

when we were

in nepal.

it’s been on the

blog since then, it’s

just been sort of hidden.

(yeah…there are some easter eggs on my blog).

some of you

found it, but now

that i’m further

away from the moment,

i figured

everyone else may as

well see it.

i haven’t read it,

and i don’t remember

all of the

words that i wrote,

but i know

it’s about death,

so you may want to

avoid it.

fuck.

i don’t know.

maybe you’ll want to

read it.

hope that’s sufficient warning.

do what you will.

here it is.

liz

hated jazz.

i can remember countless evenings…

she would

come home from

work, walk into the

house, hear the screeching,

free-jazz horns of

ayler or late coltrane or brotzmann or vandermark or evan parker

or any of the 700+

jazz records i own,

and (attempt) to

yell over the music,

“turn this shit off!”

but she didn’t just hate

the avant garde shit.

she hated it all.

that never stopped

me from playing it.

but i remember

that one day,

a day that i will

never forget,

when she said to me,

“i really, really like this song.”

i paused the

song and said,

“excuse me?”

she looked at

me with that smirk

that said she

was guilty of something

(i now see that same smirk on maddy’s face every time i catch her coloring on something she shouldn’t be).

“yeah, i know. but i really do like this song.”

i’d been working on

her for 12+ years,

and here it was,

nine days before

she died,

that i actually got

through to her.

we listened to

that song quite a

few times

over the next

nine days.

and when it came

time to

choose music for

her funeral,

i made sure that

this song made the playlist.

why do i write

this today?

because the song

came through

the speakers of my

car minutes after

i dropped maddy

off at daycare.

i haven’t heard it

in at least a

year, but i haven’t

really heard it

since that saturday in march.

that day,

it reminded me

of all of this,

and it made me

appreciate the fact

that we were so different.

and today, stuck behind

the highway patrol car

on the 5 and

then the 134,

i remembered everything

again, and i smiled.

fuck.

i love this song.

14 years ago,

a first date.

a couple of nervous kids,

(well, at least one).

dinner. a walk around

a museum. a movie

that became an

instant favorite.

and finally a stop at

a friend’s birthday party

to show off the

girl i only hoped

i’d be able

to keep around.

now, 14 years later,

i picked our daughter

up a little

earlier than usual,

and took her to

see her favorite movie

on the big screen

at a theater in hollywood.

and i watched her

as she watched it

with excitement,

and i did my

best to hold back

the tears

(i failed)

as she looked over at

me with the

same smile,

those same blue eyes.

and then i

smiled as she said,

“daddy. up!”

telling me that she

wanted to

sit on my lap.

and i laughed

when she reached

into the bucket,

grabbing one kernel of popcorn,

at a time,

shoving each one into

my mouth while yelling

out her rather

inappropriate pronunciation

(“cockcorn”).

and then i remembered

being in this

exact spot, watching

a different movie

a few years ago with

liz.

but the memory

was short lived,

because i felt my

legs getting warm,

the unmistakable feeling of

madeline’s diaper

leaking through

her jeans,

and into mine.

now soaked in

baby piss, i smiled again,

thankful for the

little girl who gets

me through these days.

i got a call

from my bud, chrissy

who writes the storked! blog

over at glamour,

asking if we

wanted to join her

and her son, jack

on a free disney cruise.

while, i’m not

really a cruise

kind of guy, but

i agreed to go,

because i figured maddy

would love it,

and yeah.

it was free.

besides, i thought it

was pretty cool that

this was the

first cruise for

both of us.

oh.

and did i mention

it was free?

(i think i’ve now satisfied the fcc ).

all i had to

take care of was the

flight, food (when not on the ship),

and booze.

sounded like

a pretty good deal

to me, especially because

we were going to

escape the cold

of mn for sunny

orlando and

the bahamas.

so last wednesday

we went to

the airport,

round trip flight #30

for maddy,

and i watched

as one of my

dreams was finally realized.

as we waited

for our flight,

madeline colored

and i told her

that we were going

on an airplane,

and the next

day we’d be

on a boat.

she repeated,

“aaaaa boat.”

“aaaaa boat.”

“aaaaa boat.”

“aaaaa boat.”

over and over again,

and thanks to

aj, all i

could think about

was this song

(totally nsfw, nsfc, & nsfpwnsh)

anyway.

we got on the

flight and soon

enough we were in orlando.

met up with

chrissy and jack

and made our

way to the hotel

where we’d spend

a night before

heading out for

our cruise.

orlando was cold.

i mean, really cold.

in the thirties.

not what i expected,

but it was

still warmer than mn.

we got settled in,

the went out for

a late lunch.

maddy lost a shoe

somewhere along

the way, which sucked.

she usually yells, “uh oh”

when her shoe

pops off, but this

time she was

a little distracted

and failed to let

me know.

oh well.

after lunch

we all headed to

epcot and froze our

asses off while we

wandered around the park.

it was weird.

i was here a

few years ago with

liz,

when she was working

for disney and was

on a business trip.

we spent a couple

of days at the parks,

and talked about

how much our future

children would someday

love her

because she could

get them into

the parks for free.

…

i picked out these

ears for maddy

but ultimately she

ended up with these:

we caught up with

our friends, danielle

and her husband, robert

and walked with them

for a bit

before saying goodbye

to chrissy and jack

for the night.

maddy ran around

and made lots

of friends at the

bar while danielle, robert

and i had a drink

and talked.

we watched the fireworks,

before deciding it

was too cold

to be outside.

that night maddy

did a lot

of coloring

while i enjoyed some room service.

thursday morning

we had breakfast

with some new friends,

and maddy went from scared

to skeptical

to acceptance

in fewer than 30 mins.

after breakfast we

jumped in a van

and headed to port canaveral.

the kids

talked to each

other and chrissy

and i caught up

on everything

since the last time

we really had

a chance to talk.

as we pulled up to the

port, maddy started in with,

“aaaaa boat”

“aaaaa boat”

all over again,

and i couldn’t

help but laugh.

liz

always talked about

how disney had

efficiency down to

a science, and

she was right.

the check-in process

was way smoother

than i expected,

especially because i

didn’t have any of

my documents with me

(they had been sent to los angeles and we were already in mn when they arrived).

and we were given

a keycard, to be used

to charge

anything on the boat

(and one of the islands).

we arrived in our

room and found

a fruit and cheese plate,

and a bottle of

champagne waiting

for us.

awesome.

we got suited up

for our mandatory

life boat drill,

then headed to

a welcome party.

the kids played on

the deck,

maddy did some dancing,

swept the floor

with her streamers,

then stood on

her head for like,

15 minutes.

after the party

we headed

back to our rooms

so we could

get ready for dinner.

maddy said goodbye

to land

and watched the

sunset from my arms.

we met up

with chrissy and jack

and went off to dinner.

maddy was exhausted

and fell asleep

during the 5 minutes

between ordering and

delivery of her food.

when the adult food

was delivered,

maddy was passed out

in my arms, so

our waiter offered to

cut my steak for me

then fed me

a couple of bites.

maddy woke up after

i had finished

my dessert and chrissy

and jack had

gone back to their room.

the waiter asked me

if he could bring

madeline another meal

to replace the

one she decided not

to eat when she

fell asleep.

that was awesome.

maddy ate the

second meal

then we went to

the theater

for some live entertainment.

maddy doesn’t weigh

quite enough to

keep her seat in place

she clapped along

to the program

and i thought long

and hard about

keeping my cynicism in

check for her.

(i did pretty well).

we were both

a little exhausted

after the performance,

we went back to

the room and

got a little bit of sleep.

friday morning we

woke up

to the sounds of

the boat docking.

first words out of

maddy’s mouth that morning?

you guessed it.

“aaaaa boat”

at least 12 times,

all without

so much as taking

a breath.

man this kid can talk.

we went out to

our deck

and took in the

beautiful sights.

apparently we were

in the bahamas,

docked at the island

of nassau.

pretty cool.

first trip here for

both of us.

i cleaned maddy

up and we

met up with

chrissy and jack

for some breakfast.

i didn’t bring a

stroller with me,

and madeline was less

than interested

in walking on her

own, so i got

a stroller

(available for free for everyone)

from guest services.

we got

off of the ship

and wandered around

nassau for a bit.

later, we hopped in

a cab and

went over to

the atlantis resort.

the kids enjoyed

what turned out to

be a small

part of the aquarium

before we went

out to the beach.

maddy apparently overheard

me when i told

chrissy how much

i wanted a

mobility scooter,

so when i turned

my head she

tried to steal

one for me.

(i love my kid).

maddy fell asleep

as we toured

the rest of the aquarium

and stayed asleep

as we had a

beer on the

steps in front of the fountain.

we made it back

to the ship

before they took off

without us,

got cleaned up

and went to dinner.

maddy enjoyed all

of the theatrics

that happened in

the dining room,

and again, i found

myself checking

my cynical side

at the door.

our kids threw crayons

and food all over

the floor, and

unlike some places

i’ve been,

the waiters didn’t

seem to give a shit.

they just kept smiling,

which is a nice

thing for a

couple of self-concious

single parents with

naughty children

to see.

madeline decided that

she didn’t want to

go to sleep

all that early on

friday night,

so i took her to

to the 9th deck

to take in some

of the activities.

she spent a bunch

of time on my shoulders

then finally got

down and started

drinking,

dancing,

and running.

we both had

a great night

staying up late

and laughing with

one another.

the next morning

we woke up to

grey skies and rain.

and that meant

we weren’t getting off

of the boat.

the crew announced that

the outdoor activities had

been cancelled, and

soon after printed

and distributed a new list of

indoor itineraries for everyone.

we spent the

day running around our cabin

and the

indoor play area

before getting tired

and passing out.

that night

we had another

amazing dinner

and afterwards,

for the first time

on the cruise,

we put the kids

in the day/evening care

facility so we

could have a drink

and watch the football game.

maddy didn’t even say

goodbye as i was

handed a pager

(to be used in case of an emergency or to let you know when they kid was ready to go).

we met up with

some new friends

and spent the night

laughing and talking

about what it’s like

to watch our

children grow up.

picked maddy up

at 10:30 and

we walked around the

ship for a bit

before going back

to our room and sleeping.

when we woke up

on sunday morning

we were already

docked at port canaveral.

we had time to

grab some breakfast

before exiting the

ship and making

our way

back to orlando.

had a nice lunch

at one of the hotels,

and watched as our

kids played with

crayons and cars

and ate popcorn.

(or as maddy put it, “cockcorn”).

the flight home

was lots of fun.

madeline was

overly tired, which

translates to active

as hell.

thanks once again

to our frequent trips,

we were upgraded to

first class,

which pissed off

some dude wearing

a shirt promoting a

las vegas strip club.

wanted to tell the asshole

the same thing

i always think in

my head when someone

complains about my

baby’s behavior

before we’ve even

gotten on the flight…

“she flies all the time, and she’s usually pretty good, but i’m gonna make sure she cries the entire flight, just to piss you off.”

but i didn’t

think he should be

the first person

to actually hear

those words come out

of my mouth

because he looked

like he beats the

shit out of people

every morning just

to feel something.

so i sat

down with her

and tried

to entertain her

with color wonder markers

(love those things, crayola did not pay me to say that, fcc),

and the few toys

we carried with us.

all she wanted

to do was

run up and down

the aisles, knock

on the cockpit door

and talk to

all of the

other passengers

(while i was left to imagine us getting pounced on my an air marshal).

all of the passengers

were more than

happy to engage her,

everyone but the asshole

we’d already encountered.

whatever.

working to our advantage

was the fact that

there were

two very loud

adults in the back

of the first class

section, who shared

their life stories

at volumes more

appropriate for a

loud club.

the flight attendant

and a passenger

told me they were

happy to have

madeline on the flight

because it helped

distract them

from the loud people.

that was nice.

and by the time

the flight landed,

i was exhausted and

my back was

killing me,

and everyone in

first class

(except for you know who)

complimented madeline’s

wonderful behavior

and told me i

was doing a

great job.

what a great

way to end the trip.

so now what?

we’re back in

minnesota until wednesday morning

(oh shit…that’s tomorrow)

when we head down

to mexico with

liz’s

family for our

yearly trip.

can’t wait to get

down there.

maddy will be playing

with the family and

i’ll be sitting

on a swing

at my favorite bar

in the world,

drinking a pacifico or

seven and working

on finishing up

my book.

i couldn’t think

of a more appropriate

place to be.

and this morning

i started planning

maddy’s second

birthday party.

the only thing

set in stone so

far is that on

march 19th

we’re heading

to paris,

a place i haven’t

seen in almost

11 years.

we may do

a bit of traveling from

there, but no

matter what,

i think she’s gonna

have a nice birthday.

i slept an hour

and a half

the night before,

and i wanted to

get a little more rest

when maddy woke me

up with her

usual morning noises.

instead of going

to get her

as i usually do,

i let her talk

away and attempt

to entertain herself.

20 mins later,

the talking turned

to crying, so

i reluctantly got out

of bed and

into her room

to retrieve her

from her night prison.

the smell of vomit

damn near

knocked me over

as soon as

i opened her door.

now.

i know i’m

the adult in this

situation, but damn it.

i mean, i can’t handle

vomit, i’ve just never

been able to.

like the time my

brother threw up

pizza and orange soda

all over the

new white carpet

at my mom’s house

and i made

liz

clean it up.

or the time that

liz

threw up all over

the carpet in our first

apartment, and i had

to tie a towel around

my mouth and nose

in order to clean

it up.

she laughed at me

for being

like such a little bitch.

(i tried to get her to clean it up, but she claimed she was too sick).

back to tuesday.

i said, “holymotherfuckingshit”

under my breath

(she is repeating everything these days)

and stepped into her room.

i got her out

of her crib,

gave her

a bath and got

her dressed.

she wanted milk, but

i knew better and

gave her water instead.

i put her

in my bed while i

threw her bedding in

the washer.

as soon as i

got the thing started,

i heard the unmistakable

sound of my child vomiting.

yeah.

again.

bath #2.

outfit #2.

second set of

bedding replaced.

she seemed

way better after the

second puking

episode, so i figured

it was a good

time for us to

head out to

get some pedialyte

and other sick-child essentials.

she of course, fell

asleep on the

five minute drive

to the store,

so instead of waking

her up, i reclined my

seat and took

a nap with her.

eventually she woke me

up so we

went in and did

our shopping.

i spent the

rest of the afternoon

and into the night

holding madeline, because

she got super clingy.

it’s weird, she’s

usually too busy

running around

the house, coloring

on my important

paperwork or playing

with her toys

to spend any time

hanging out with me,

but when she

gets sick, she

ends up like this:

(aka, sweet as sugar).

wednesday.

she seemed better.

she was standing up

in her crib,

repeating, “milk, milk, milk, milk.”

it had been almost 24

hours since she

last puked, so

i figured that i could

give her what

she wanted.

she finished the

bottle, i waited

an hour…

no vomiting, so i

figured i’d take

her to daycare.

before leaving she

did a little decorating:

then we got a quick

photo shoot in

before heading out…

i got her dropped off

and headed home

to write…

i spent most of

my day watching

my phone, hoping that

i wouldn’t get

that dreaded phone call

from daycare.

she made it through

the entire day

with no vomiting.

we had a couple

of visitors

that evening…

our house sitter

during our time

in india, and her

friend who’s gonna

house-sit for

us while we’re gone

for the next month.

then michele stopped

by to talk

about our foundations

and everything else.

thursday.

madeline woke up whiny.

i got her out

of her crib,

got her dressed

and gave her some milk.

she usually heads

straight for her

piano in the morning,

but today she laid in bed

with me

that should

have been my first sign

that something was wrong.

she finished up

her milk and

then the whining

really kicked in…

she seemed so sad,

which led me to

wonder if i

could keep her

home from daycare

due to extreme sadness.

i comforted her

a bit before

deciding that she

should go hang out

with her friends

for the day.

she was still

whining when

i got her strapped

into her carseat.

and it struck

me that

she definitely whines

like her mom

used to when

she was sick.

that made me smile.

we made it less

than a mile

from home

before i heard

that sound again.

shit.

looked in the

rear-view mirror

just as she vomited

all over herself.

damn it.

this time

i wasn’t so

much freaked out

by the vomit as i

was worried about

my little girl.

i decided that

it would be best

to just drive

back to the house

to get her cleaned up.

i got her home,

got her out of the

car and

undressed her on

the porch, then

into the bath

she went…

she threw up

two more times

before noon,

but she seemed to

feel better afternoon,

thanks to

a continuous loop

of yo gabba gabba.

thankfully she hasn’t

been running a fever.

unfortunately she

wasn’t all that

interested in eating

and drinking most

of the day, but

she did have

(some) brown rice,

(a little) pedialyte,

and a ton of ice.

by evening, the whining

was (mostly) over,

and my rambunctious

little girl was back.

she threw two

framed photos

on the floor,

did 10-15 laps

through the house,

and pushed my

desk chair

around my office

for 20 minutes.

and while i finished

up this post,

maddy held her barbie up

up to the tv

and said,

“barbie this gabba”

so that was pretty

fucking cool.

and though it would

have been better

for my writing if

i had

had a quiet

day alone,

i really loved

hanging out with

my sick kid.

i just wish

i had some help

putting this car seat

back together.

ages since i’ve

had a proper

update, but that’s

how shit goes sometimes.

1.5 days after

returning from india,

we jumped on

another plane

(maddy’s 28th round-trip flight)

and went to the mn

for thanksgiving with

the family.

everyone was excited

to see madeline,

and only mildly

interested to see me,

which is what

happens when you

have a child.

she got some

quality time in

with awesome auntie deb,

her uncle nick,

her aunties

molly and holly and,

her cousin ava.

and of course,

the grandparents.

i holed-up in

a hotel for

a few days

to work on

my writing,

and spent a few

evenings out

with some friends,

both old and new.

we flew back to

los angeles

after 6 days

in the mn,

and i’ve been more

than a little distracted

since then.

there are several

reasons for that…

my child is more

active than ever.

i’m working on

finding the words

i need to fill

the pages of that

book i mention here

from time-to-time.

and life back

in america presents

a variety of things

that, and people

who weren’t present

in india.

plus now my

days and nights

are generally

the same as everyone

else’s, so hiding

is not as easy

as it was

for the last

two months.

oh.

and i don’t have

rachel’s help anymore.

we both miss her.

in fact, maddy still

calls out her name

as i try

to get her to

sleep at night.

the good news is

that rachel hasn’t

been a total

stranger since we returned,

even though she

lives on the west side

(for those of you not in los angeles, it’s about a 23 mile drive from my place to hers, but the commute can take anywhere from 30 mins to 2.5 hours, so she may as well be in idaho).

she’s been over for

two saturday night

babysitting sessions with

madeline, allowing me

a few nights

out with friends.

so.

madeline

is back at daycare.

her first day

back was a bit

strange for her me.

i planned on sticking

around as long

as she needed me

to do so, with

the idea of easing her

back into things,

but she reached out

for her favorite

caregiver as

soon as we walked

through the door

and gave me a

look that said,

“can you please leave now?”

so i did.

and instead of

pulling into the

parking structure

at my old job,

i drove straight past

the building and went home.

and that’s when

it truly hit

me that i no

longer have a job

to go to.

well, i kinda do,

but it’s not

the same as it

used to be.

now,

i sit in

my office by

myself and

try to write.

i no longer

have my friends

around to drag me to

del taco for lunch,

nor do i

have the privilege

of solving office mysteries

with the mystery squad.

(you know, figuring out the identities of the filthy humans who refused to wash their hands before exiting the restroom and other important mysteries).

but i do have

a couple of

unemployed friends

around town, and

we’ve formed a

new squad chiefly

focused on early morning hikes

and lunch at

restaurants around town.

i write early.

i write late.

the good news is

that the first third of

the book is written.

the bad news

is that

it proved to

be one of the

most difficult tasks

i’ve ever undertaken.

not the writing

itself, but the

thinking about, and the

recording of feelings,

emotions, words that

i’ve held with me,

close to my

heart, unshared with

the rest of the

world, but things i’ve

thought about every

single day since

liz

died.

but…

there is catharsis in

the writing, and knowing

that i don’t have

to think about all

of it

everyday, because

the memories,

they’ve been recorded

and i no

longer have to

rely on my

extremely limited

brain capacity to hold on

to everything.

and now i’m

on to the second

third, and my distractions

have led me to

miss a few deadlines,

but i work better

under pressure anyway.

so what else?

we had

breakfast with a

few friends and santa claus:

maddy decided that

it would be a

good idea to

scratch her friend,

bella’s face.

bella seemed surprised

by the attack,

and i felt like

the most awful

parent of all time.

i mean,

what do you do

at that point?

luckily bella’s parents

are good friends and

chose not to

kick my ass

as a retaliatory measure.

when it was maddy’s

turn to sit on

his lap,

santa said,

“i think you better sit on my lap and have your daughter sit on your lap. i’ve been doing this for years and i can tell when a kid looks uneasy. your kid looks uneasy.”

i took his

word for it.

and four days

later, when i looked

at the photos,

i think i figured

out why she was

a little uneasy

about santa.

after that trauma,

she practiced using

my favorite word.

(rachel taught her that one and i can’t tell you how thankful i am).

maddy has adjusted

quite well

after all of the travel,

and is now regularly

sleeping from 7:00pm to 8:00am,

without waking up.

we spend our

evenings playing with her

toys and dancing

around the living room

to our favorite songs.

i try to be a

good father

and allow her to

listen to yo gabba gabba

as much as she

has to listen to

my favorite music,

but sometimes i fail.

this past weekend

we had our friends,

mark, jeffra and mckenna

in town.

andrea and her

kids joined us and

we visited rachel at

her old/new job

at the santa monica museum of art.

the rain ruined

the kid’s chances of

making art projects

of their own,

so we went inside

and checked out the

art of lynn hanson

and i ended

up with one of

her drawings.

(fell in love with it as soon as i saw it and now it’s hanging in my bedroom).

and i spent

more than a

little time talking

art, writing and

life with robbie conal,

which was pretty

damn awesome.

all-in-all it’s

good to be back

in town.

we’ve got some

exciting travels

planned for january

and the future

(more on that soon).