morning we were

back in the

car with our driver, daniel

and on our way

to agra.

but before going to

agra, we stopped at

fatehpur sikri, a

place i visited with

liz

back in 2006.

this was the

real start of the

trip for me.

time to confront

the memories i’d been

seeking since

we arrived in india,

and to share them

with madeline.

we arrived, and things

were a little different.

instead of driving

right up to

the entrance, we had

to abandon our

car and driver

and drive up in

a non-polluting vehicle.

and this time,

we went in a different gate.

i remember the place

so well.

last time we were

here it was

unbearably hot,

like 117°f (42°c)

and we were

both a little

more than uncomfortable, but

liz,

she was really

not dealing with

the heat.

she complained almost

the entire time, but

she had a great

sense of humor

about it,

letting me snap some

photos of her reenacting

her mini tantrum.

but this day,

3 years and

a few months later,

we

were here,

and it was a

hell of a lot cooler.

which is great,

because if i’ve

learned anything on

this trip, it’s

that madeline is more

her mother’s daughter

than she is

her father’s daughter.

and thanks to

the lack

of heat, we

were able to explore

much more than we

got to

on our last trip.

we walked around

for a bit,

hearing about the

history of the place

from a guide,

while snapping some photos.

we walked through

a doorway

and it came back

in a way i

didn’t anticipate.

i stood in the doorway,

frozen for a

few seconds,

trying to slice

the past from

the present.

that water tank.

we walked there.

but this time

we could only

mind the sign.

we did

some more walking

and some more remembering

and with some

of most ear-piercing

screams of all time,

maddy let me know

that she was ready

to get out

and explore on her own.

her independence only

lasted a few seconds

before she dragged me here:

and i told you

earlier that it

wasn’t hot.

well, it was,

just not as

hot as it was when

we were last here.

like her mom

a few years

earlier, madeline

pitched a serious fit

and just like her mom,

madeline took refuge

in the shady spots

but unlike her

mom,

she

decided that

the best way

to cool down

would be to lie

down on the ground.

the rest of the

tourists didn’t know what

to make of her,

so they largely

ignored her.

(a couple of old ladies gave me disapproving looks, but i didn’t give a shit. my kid was happy and not damaging anything/anyone so i let her lie there).

after a good

10 minutes of spinning

around on the dirty

ground, we took

a little walk,

stopping long

to relive more

of the moments.

maddy had a great

time running around

and exploring.

from here,

we went to

a place we skipped

last time

(yes, because of the heat)

a beautiful bit

of architecture in the

form of a mosque.

rachel got the

scarlet cover-up

’cause her skirt

came up

just above the knees

(she wasn’t alone, i saw a couple of women and least one dude with the leg cover).

after a quick

drink of water,

we made our way

through the place

we stopped to

get some head covers

before

entering a shrine

and tying some

wish strings.

then we covered the tomb

and threw rose petals

upon it.

we then continued

to explore

the place

maddy, as usual,

made some friends

then more exploring.

on the way out,

maddy made

friends with a goat

before showing us

how happy she was

followed by how tired

she was.

lucky for her

we were about to

get back in the

car for the hour

or so drive to agra.

she took

a nap, and

rachel and i

took it all in.

we’d soon be

in agra,

and at sunrise tomorrow

we’d be on our way

to one of

liz’s

favorite places

in the whole wide world.

and i couldn’t

wait to

get there.

(part iii coming when i get some time).

“i love coming here!”

that’s what

she said each time

we sat down

for tea.

it wasn’t the respite

from the noise

of the city

that this place provided.

it wasn’t the

beautiful surroundings.

it wasn’t the time

alone with me.

it wasn’t even

the quality of the tea.

it was the sweetener

in the yellow packets.

“this is the only place i’ve seen it in india!”

she’d say

as she quietly slipped

packet after packet into

her purse.

i used to laugh

at her, calling her:

“thief”

“junkie”

and countless other

words that

would have been less than

flattering if they’d

been overheard by

anyone around us.

but to her,

to us,

these words

were the way we

showed love.

it was the teasing

that made us smile,

because between us,

we both knew

that me calling her a

no calorie sweetener junkie

or a yellow packet thief

meant that i

noticed the little things,

that i knew

her better than

anyone else in the world.

i’m thankful for

those moments,

because as i sit

in the exact same spot

we used to sit,

writing about her,

drinking my tea,

happy that something

as mundane as

little yellow packets

filled with

dextrose, maltodextrin and sucralose

can elicit the kind

of emotions usually

reserved for the

the music, movies, words and places

of our past.

yes.

it’s the little things

that make all of

this hard,

but it’s also the little things

that make all of

this so.

after almost a

month in the south

of india,

i decided that we

needed to take a

short trip up north

to see some

of things that

everyone should

see when visiting india.

besides, i had

to comply with

rachel’s thinly-veiled threat,

“i’m not coming to india and not seeing the taj mahal.”

no arm twisting

needed because i wanted

to take maddy up

there anyway,

so i made

plans for us to

go away for

ten days.

we headed to the

airport where maddy made a

couple of friends

during our 1.5 hour delay.

she then passed out

for the 3+ hour

flight to delhi,

madeline’s 26th

round-trip flight.

we spent one

night at a

hotel in delhi,

and early the next

morning we were

in the car

and on the road to jaipur.

i spent most

of the trip

shooting photos

through the window

while maddy alternated

between sleep

and trying to

wriggle out of

her car seat.

rachel and i

did our best

to distract her

by telling her to

look at the:

cows,

camels,

and elephants.

(and she used to think our commute to daycare in los angeles was exciting).

after dropping

our stuff off

at our hotel in jaipur,

we drove around

the city

and stopped at

a temple

and maddy slept in

the car, under the

watchful eye

of our driver, daniel.

we drove around

some more,

stopping for photographs

whenever we saw

something interesting.

maddy did a

little artwork

and a lot of shopping.

it was now

dark but none

of us were

tired so we asked

the driver to drop

us off in the

old part of jaipur

so that we could

wander around.

we met lots

of new friends

and of course,

did some more shopping.

just outside of

our hotel was the

floating palace,

which looked

really awesome at night.

and inside was

some live entertainment.

maddy and rachel

went to bed

and i spent

the rest of the evening

working on my book.

early the next

morning we were back

in the car

and on our

way to the amber fort

a place i’d visited

with my mom

back in 2006.

as we stood in

line for our ride,

maddy got really excited

watching the parade

of close to 100

elephants making their

way up

and down

the path to the fort.

we finally got

on the back

of our vehicle,

headed to the top

on elephant #40

maddy decided she’d

rather get back on

the elephant

than do some site-seeing.

she fought it

a little bit,

but i

i won the battle.

we walked with

our guide, learning

a lot about the place,

while taking in

all of the sites.

after insisting on

being carried around

for the first third

of the visit,

maddy decided

that she wanted

to walk around

on her own.

eventually i

had to revoke

her freedoms because

she didn’t use

them responsibly.

she was pretty pissed.

with madeline now

in the backpack,

we continued

our tour through

the fort

after our trip

to the fort, we drove

to the jantar mantar

astronomical and astrological observatory.

maddy once again

drew quite

a crowd.

we then wakled

across the street

to the city palace.

maddy slept most

of the way

through the trip

waking up in time

to see me purchase

the third greatest

painting of all-time.

we made a quick

stop at the hawa mahal

for a few photos.

after a short

nap for madeline,

we went out

for dinner,

during which madeline

decided that she

should be part

of the performance.

she was a lot

sleepy after

all the dancing

so we headed back

to the hotel

so the girls

could get

a little

sleep before leaving

for agra early

the next morning.

i spent the night,

once again,

trying to write

a book that

i hope

madeline will

someday be very

proud of.

the trip to

india has really helped

stir the emotions

that get the words flowing.

as far as our

10 day trip goes,

tonight marked the

end of the easy part.

the rest of the

trip would be

filled with memories of

liz.

no complaining on

my end.

i put myself

in this position.

but i didn’t

do this just for me.

i’m also doing this for

madeline.

(parts ii and iii coming when i get some time).

no.

most things, i try

to confront

head-on.

but there are

a few that can

remain buried in

time, not confronted.

but.

sometimes, the choice

is not mine.

like here.

in this place.

i chose to come

here, but…

i tried to avoid

some of it.

but.

four e-mails.

four responses.

“no vacancies.”

a fifth.

“confirmed.”

from the airport

through the narrow streets,

to a place

i could find

with my eyes

shut tight…

when they

gave us one bed,

and it wasn’t

clear to

them why we

needed two,

i simply told

them that one

wouldn’t work.

and i had a feeling.

yes.

it was a feeling,

but it was

intense

and i knew it then.

so we followed

the guy

in the dark green

uniform up the stairs.

and when

he turned left, i knew

what was

going to happen.

there.

on the right,

there it was.

as i stood

in the doorway,

i heard those

pigeons that

kept us up all

night, every night

for nearly two weeks.

i saw the balcony

that looked

liked it would

collapse under

the immense weight,

of us,

(figurative).

and i smelled

the musty smell of

the bathroom, the joints

between the blue tiles

covered in mildew.

and i saw

the look

on your face,

the one that said,

“what the fuck have you gotten me into this time?”

but none

of that happened.

not now.

not today.

it happened

before, yes, in 2004.

in room 403.

yeah.

the exact same

fucking room

where your

child now sleeps…

and i’ve learned again

today that

avoidance is the

thing that brings the

past to the

present, brings the

happy moments

face-to-face with

the last 19 months.

and i’m once

again reminded,

that avoidance is

no way

to deal with this.

so.

after more than

one beer,

and a few moments

of clarity,

and a lot

of writing,

i’m on my way back.

back to that place.

and i’ll put

the key in

the hole,

and you.

you won’t be

be there.

but i’ll feel you.

(again, figurative).

and maybe.

just maybe…

i won’t avoid,

one more thing

that i

don’t want to confront.

there’s a lot

to cover, and i’m

gonna let

a lot of the

photos do the talking.

so…

we’ve settled in.

(somewhat) normal sleep

schedules, plus a

daily routine equals a good

thing for all of us.

we’ve been here

long enough now

that all the things

that at first were

unfamiliar have

become the norm.

well, maddy still

goes crazy when

she sees a

cow or a monkey,

but everything else

is pretty much normal

to her now.

so (almost) every

morning we start the

day by jumping in

an auto rickshaw

and heading out

for breakfast.

usually it’s in

the spot where

i do my writing,

but we switch it

up from time

to time in order

to have a little

variety in our lives.

breakfast is a

break for all

of us.

why?

because one of

the services that

restaurants don’t advertise,

but almost all provide

without hesitation,

is free babysitting

while you eat.

it’s totally

and completely awesome.

(this happens at only one restaurant in los angeles).

after breakfast we have a

little play time.

maddy has a new

morning routine…

instead of

apple throwing,

she throws sticks

into the koi

pond at the oberoi.

after play time,

rachel and maddy

head back to our

apartment to take

a nap, while i

spend the entire

day working on

my book.

according to rachel,

madeline is down

to one, two-hour

nap per day,

which is awesome.

after nap time,

rachel and maddy

walk to the

park, window shopping

along the way.

at the park maddy

asserts her independence

and walks where ever

her curiosity takes her.

sometimes she

climbs things,

but most of the

time she just walks

around and makes

new friends.

her favorites are

still the men,

and for

good reason, i guess.

the women

poke at her

and pinch her cheeks.

afterwards, they often

try to pick

her up.

and when they

do these

things, maddy usually

takes exception and

smacks them around.

(i know it’s sort of self defense, but i’m trying to discourage such behavior).

most of the time

she loves kids,

but there was

once instance that

left sort of

a bad taste in

her mouth.

meet some kids

who wanted to

be maddy’s friend:

the little boy

was a sweet and

gentle little thing,

his sister appeared

to be the same.

well.

she wanted to pick

maddy up and

bring her over

to her parents who

were sitting

on a nearby bench.

maddy was busy,

watching a caterpillar

inch across the

walking path.

despite repeated attempts,

the little

girl just could

not divert

maddy’s attention away

from the caterpillar.

so she walked

around madeline and

stomped on the

caterpillar, killing

it right in

front of my child.

maddy said, “whoa!”

and just stared at

the girl.

satisfied, the girl

turned around

and walked away.

one of these

children may

end up to be

a serial killer,

but i don’t

think it’s gonna

be mine.

back to our daily routine…

after playtime in

the park, rachel

and maddy find me

in my writing

spot and then

we take off

for dinner

we usually

dine with friends,

all of whom

are excited to

spend time with madeline

while tolerating

my incessant

talk about my book.

when i’m not

writing we try to

get out and

explore the city.

we ride around

town in auto rickshaws,

and i take photos

of the things

we see.

we have auto

rickshaw dance parties

we buy ridiculous things

we go to

the places that

liz

loved,

and i

tell madeline all

about her mom.

mostly we just

have fun.

…

last weekend i

decided that we

needed to get out of

bangalore for the weekend.

i’d been staring

at a computer for

far too

long and there

were a few things

that i wanted

madeline and

rachel to see and

and experience.

besides, saturday

was the 24th,

and sunday was

something else,

so it was a

good time for us

to get away.

so…

saturday morning we

jumped in a

car and headed

toward mysore.

we stopped for breakfast

but we were distracted

by monkeys.

i took a lot of photos

out the window

of the car.

and we stopped

at places of

historical significance

and it was hard

to be in the same

places i visited with

liz

fewer than three

years ago.

but it was necessary.

and it was great

to have maddy

there with me.

at one point

i saw maddy running

because the ground

was hot

(settle down, i wasn’t abusing her poor feet. shoes must be removed in most of these religious places, even for kids).

as i watched her

run to get

her feet to a

cooler spot,

i thought about

a photo

i took of her

mom doing the same

thing in the

same place.

but the trip to

mysore wasn’t

all hard.

it was after all,

maddy’s 19 month birthday,

so we had

as much fun

as we possibly could.

on top of seeing all the

great sites,

we rode:

a horse.

a camel.

and best of all,

an elephant.

she seemed to love

her joy rides

until was accosted

by an elephant.

the elephant was only

trying to be

nice when she placed

her trunk

on madeline,

but maddy didn’t

see it that way.

and when the

elephant tried to attack

me, well, she

gave it the same

treatment she usually

reserves for women.

(rachel also got accosted by an elephant)

that night we stayed

in an old palace

overlooking one

of the most

incredible gardens

any of us

have ever seen.

before dinner,

we played for

a bit

then we took a

long walk

through the garden.

i hoped that

the walk through

the garden

would help maddy

burn some of her energy,

but when bed time

came, she was the

only one not ready

to sleep.

she ran around

the hotel room like a

crazy person, climbing on

chairs, switching the

lights on and off

and poking me until

i opened my eyes.

not fun considering

we had to be up

and out of

the hotel

by 6:00am.

the next morning.

october 25th.

19 months

earlier i never

would have guessed

we would be where

we were at that moment.

that’s both literal

and figurative.

6:00am.

standing outside

of a palace

converted into a hotel,

waiting for

our driver to

pick us up so

we could go

bathe elephants.

yeah.

seemed like the

best way to

forget about

a horrible anniversary.

we watched the

sun rise

over the fields

then we all

feel asleep.

i woke up

somewhere along

the way, and

saw fog

covering almost everything.

and soon enough

we were there.

maddy was still

in her pajamas,

which i thought

looked pretty awesome.

we took the

boat across the river

and wandered around

the elephant camp.

rachel helped me

get maddy into

her swimsuit,

and not a moment

to soon, ’cause

the elephants

were on the move

and ready to

be bathed.

we read a couple

of warning signs

before we got started.

i snapped some

photos as rachel

and maddy watched

the first elephant

go in.

soon enough they

were in the water

and working

hard to clean

the giant beasts.

rachel had a

great time getting

up close and

personal with her

new friends

while i helped

maddy get used to

the water.

eventually she got

really excited

and started trying

to swim out

to the elephants.

we had a great

time hanging out

but eventually bath

time was over

and maddy was

ready to climb.

maddy laughed at

me as i mourned

the loss of

my favorite shoes

(that’s mud, not elephant shit).

we spent a

bit more time

with the elephants

before heading back

across the river.

it was a short

walk back to

the car

then we were

headed toward

a buddhist monastery.

took a few photos

along the way

before finally arriving.

we went inside

and all were

in awe of what

we saw.

maddy even managed

to be quiet for

a few minutes

we went outside

and she tried

to hide from

some women who

wanted to

take her photo.

we continued our

tour of the grounds

then maddy started

stealing shoes.

the time came

to get back on

the road to bangalore.

maddy and rachel

slept almost the

entire trip.

i rested a bit

but woke up

in time

to capture a

few more photos.

we got back to

bangalore later than

we hoped.

we were supposed

to catch up for

tea with a

few friends and

then go out

to dinner.

well.

when we got

to the tea shop,

i walked into

a surprise party.

yeah.

it was my

birthday.

and i can’t think of

a better

way to have

spent it.

this week…

now is a good

time to discuss the

word explosions

going on here

in india.

first.

the words i’ve

had in me,

mostly unspoken and unshared

for 19+ months,

are spilling forth

from my head

and landing

on the page.

it feels better than

i could have imagined

to finally

commit them to

my hard drive…

i hoped that this trip

would bring the

words out of me

but i didn’t

think they’d come

this easily.

call it exercising demons

or whatever,

but if you see

more smiles

on my face

in the photos i

post, well, this is

part of the reason.

(let’s just hope my editor likes what i’ve sent thus far).

the second word

explosion is coming

from maddy.

she says something

new almost

every second that

she’s awake

(and i caught her at saying actual words in her sleep the other day).

eshwari swears that

maddy even speaks

a little tamil.

it’s amazing to

hear what’s coming out

of her mouth

these days,

and it’s been

so much fun

to see her growing up

right before my eyes.

i wrote all

day monday,

trying to get

to a place

i needed to be,

and tuesday i

took a break

to see some more

sites with maddy,

rachel and eshwari.

we had been

here before.

and we’ll continue

seeing what

we saw,

so that maddy

can have something,

come connection.

and we’ll have

tons of fun

doing it.

here we are.

it’s been an

interesting week

and a half

for the

three of us

in bangalore.

so far we’ve done

everything we

can to get on

a normal schedule.

we failed

for the first week,

but things are

getting better.

maddy is now sleeping

through the night,

but she’s not the

12 hour sleeper

that she is

in los angeles.

i’d like to think

it’s the jetlag,

but i think it

has more to do

with not wanting

to miss out

on anything.

but she’s not

the only one

who is exhausted.

a week and

half is a lot

to summarize, but

i’ll do it rather quickly

(and with a lot of photos).

we’ve walked around

town quite a bit

so that maddy

and rachel have an

idea where they are.

i taught them

how to

cross a street

maddy learned

a thing or two

about the importance

of keeping quiet.

i introduced them

to indian breakfast.

we have

breakfast together

each morning

before i go off

to write my book.

we’ve spent some

time with some

old friends.

we met lots

of new friends,

most of whom

have been men.

(the dudes in the photo above insisted on watching maddy while we finished breakfast. as we walked up, they were frantically scrubbing her forehead. turns out she used one of their pens to draw a nice horizontal line across her forehead).

madeline has become

kind of a celebrity

around here,

and now she’s

acting the part.

she learned why

she’s still in diapers

and why dowries

are a bad thing.

we met another

tired kid

and her dad.

madeline figured out

a new way

to get my attention.

we went to

a mosque

and a temple

we took in

the sights of

the area near

russell market.

we walked through

commercial street

and the surrounding areas.

maddy and rachel

took their first

auto rickshaw ride

and a few days

later, maddy

drove us around

in one.

i performed

a successful

street diaper change

then celebrated

our success.

we’ve both

experienced a bit

of separation anxiety

but maddy and rachel

have become fast friends.

she is one

of the few

women to whom

maddy will go.

she even lets

rachel do

her hair, which

is a huge

win for all

of us.

we’ve explored the

place i’ve chosen

to spend most

of my days.

it’s a spot i used

to visit when

i needed a break

from the noise

and busyness of

the city.

i’d sit here,

read a book,

drink some tea,

just escape.

and when

liz

was in town,

we spent a lot

of time here.

so this is

where i write

most days,

because it brings

me back to

a time and

a place.

and somehow

it helps to

know that

we

were here together.

and that now

i am here with

maddy every morning.

and the amazing thing?

the writing is

flowing way

better than

i could have imagined.

i mean, the words,

the feelings,

they’re all coming out.

and there is

no way i could

have written this

anywhere else

but here.

i just hope my

editor loves it.

we’ve done

a ton of shopping.

and i fulfilled

a promise

i made to

liz.

i promised to

bring her a

set of bangles each

time i went to

india, so that

by the time

i was done with

the ol’ travel for work

thing, she would

have a nice collection.

well, she had three

sets stolen when

our house was

burglarized back

in january 2008.

i promised to

replace her jewelry

over time.

i’d forgotten about the

bangles until i

walked past the shop

where i’d purchased them.

so for

liz,

maddy is

gonna have

one hell of

a jewelry collection.

and she seems

to like them

as much as

her mom did.

and after getting a

warning from the people

who run our apartment,

we celebrated diwali.

really, we’ve

just been enjoying

our time together.

well, most of

the time.

(oh…and thanks to everyone who voted in the christie cookies charity giveaway. with your help, we received enough votes to win $1,000 for the liz logelin foundation. add to it the 20% match i pledged, and we raised $1200. thank you all so much!).

a new passport stamp.

that alone would

have been enough

to get me out

of the singapore airport,

but we had the added

bonus of hanging

out with one of

my favorite people

in the whole

wide world.

eshwari somehow tracked

us down after

i told her to

pick us up

at the wrong terminal.

and after a

few tears

(she’s never met madeline in person and we haven’t seen each other since before liz died),

she punched me in

the arm and called

me an idiot.

yeah.

that’s a woman

i call my friend.

and she was

a great friend to

liz.

when she was

visiting bangalore,

eshwari would take

liz

to all of the best

shops, and i would

have to follow along

(which kinda sucked).

she was known

to give

liz

a ride on the

back of her two-wheeler.

and she was

liz’s

favorite drinking partner.

(i was always #2 when eshwari was around, except in the photo below).

so it was

great to see her

again, but it

was really, really hard.

she took us

out for coffee,

and before the place

opened, maddy got

to ride on a carousel.

then there was

a light snack

and some playtime

then maddy landed

face first on the

marble floor.

the crack i heard

turned my stomach…

and all i could

think was that

she would be

completely toothless

until the next set

comes in.

she screamed the

scream of the injured

infant, the one

where they hold

their breath

for an hour or

so, before letting out

the shrillest noise

you’ve ever heard.

minutes later she

was back at the

table, playing with

her auntie eshwari,

except now she

had a giant knot

on her head.

eshwari’s friend, amy arrived

and took us out

for a typical

singaporean breakfast…

eggs mixed with

pepper and soy sauce,

and some toast

with some sweet

stuff and butter.

rachel and i

loved the toast,

but felt a little

unsure about the eggs.

maddy was uninterested,

and passed out

with her arm

in the sink.

after breakfast, we

went to the

top of a

tall building, and took

in singapore.

from there, we headed

off to a play date

arranged for maddy.

i didn’t think

she’d have the energy

to participate,

but like her dad,

she refuses to

sleep when there’s

fun to be had.

i was definitely

more exhausted than

she was,

but there

was no way

she was gonna

let me sleep.

all-in-all it was

a great day,

especially because

we made some

new friends, a few

of whom

will be living in

rochester, mn come november.

after playtime,

we caught a cab

and went across

town for lunch

at a sausage house.

the only one with

energy was madeline.

she colored and

colored and colored,

sometimes she

even managed to

color on the paper.

the rest of us

stared blankly

at the walls,

unable to muster

any words.

we had grand plans

for the day,

but by the time

lunch was over,

they had been scrapped.

instead of a

photo of the merlion,

we went back to

eshwari’s apartment

and all took epic naps.

a few hours later

we were off to

the airport, and ready

for our next flight.

we said goodbye

to auntie eshwari

(well, until she comes back to bangalore next week)

and made our

way through customs.

we spent sometime

hanging out in

the airport.

eventually maddy was exhausted

which was good,

because we had

a 3+ hour flight

to bangalore.

(amazing how back-to-back 11 and 7 hour flights can make a 3+ hour flight seem short).

and it was

short, given that

madeline slept the

entire flight.

as we approached the

city, i looked

at the baby

sleeping in my arms.

last time i was

on this flight,

maddy had only

been cooking inside

liz

for a couple of months.

i remember daydreaming

about her

arrival as i arrived

in this place.

i felt awful for

leaving my pregnant,

puking wife

alone in los angeles,

and told myself

that i was done

traveling for

work after this trip.

things are

a lot different now.

i never imagined i’d

be back here

under these circumstances,

but i’m

damn lucky to have

that little dream in

my arms.

we arrived in bangalore,

excited to be home.

after getting violated

by the thermal scanning

devices and peered at

suspiciously by a bunch

of doctors and nurses

wearing facemasks,

we got another

passport stamp and

made our way

downstairs to pick up

our luggage.

(it should be noted that despite the scary health check, the new bangalore airport is a dream compared to the old one).

we waited awhile

for our luggage

but it finally arrived

and soon enough

we were in a taxi

and on our

way through the city.

it was great

to be able to give

the taxi driver

directions to our

apartment, as if i’m

some expert on

navigating the streets

of bangalore.

we arrived at our

place, and it looked

largely unchanged

from the last time

i was here.

we checked in

and got to our room.

the smell of the

place is rather distinct.

the people who

clean the rooms

spray this room

spray, and it smells

a bit like

leather and something

else i can’t identify.

liz

associated that smell

with india,

and each time i

returned from

staying in this place,

she would tell me

that i smelled like india.

it was that

smell that once

again brought

on the tears.

and these tears are

the reason i’m here

in the first place.

to write the book

i want to write,

the book i know

i can write,

i had to be in

a place that

was special to

me and to

liz.

but it had to

be a place

i haven’t been in

since she died.

i’ve confronted almost

everything in los angeles,

minnesota, hawaii, mexico, nyc.

this place…

it’s the place i

need to be

to confront the

feelings i need

to confront.

and there are more

places, and i

will get to them

with madeline.

and we will be happy.

…

by the time we

got settled it

was almost midnight,

and we were all

a little dazed.

maddy seemed like

she was ready to

sleep the sleep

of the dead.

so i laid

with her for a bit.

then rachel built us

a little nest

by pushing the

couches together.

it was a comfortable as

it appears.

eventually i moved

her into my

room, and she stayed

sleeping for a

little while.

after waking up

again and again,

she slept for an hour.

i slept for 30 minutes,

and then she

woke both of us up.

and there in bed

we watched the smurfs

and the jetsons and

the powerpuff girls

in an attempt to

get back to sleep.

we had some apples,

and some water,

nothing worked.

so she stayed up,

and i tried

to sleep as she

threw the phone

to the ground, and

kicked her feet

on the wooden

table next to the bed.

i don’t think i’ve

been this exhausted

in my entire life.

rachel came to my rescue

around 9:00am.

i told her i’d sleep

for a few hours

and then we could

go check out

the city.

i woke up at 8:30pm.

yeah.

i slept for 11.5 hours.

i can’t think

of the last time

i’ve done something

like that.

rachel did an

amazing job of

keeping maddy entertained,

which is a tall

order because

maddy is so attached to me.

she will only

be held by me,

and she wants

to sit next to me

constantly, and if she’s

in another room,

she yells,

“daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy”

until i come to her.

we all took

our first showers

since monday

(gross, i know)

and headed out to dinner.

had a great meal,

and maddy got

a shitload of

attention from the

men of bangalore,

much to the chagrin

of their female companions,

to whom maddy

would not go.

after dinner we

took a walk

through town so

that rachel could

get an idea

of what was where.

maddy passed out

in spite of all the

horn honking,

and stayed asleep

until i removed her

and the backpack

from my back

and set them on

the ground.

as soon as

she hit the

ground, she was awake

and ready to play.

fuck.

it appeared at the time

that this was gonna

be a very, very

long night.

and it was.

the great news

is that maddy

is really taking to rachel.

the better news

is that she

eventually went to sleep.

the greatest news?

it’s now 6:15am and

she is still sleeping.

now…if only

i could join her.

11:00 am is when i

finished packing.

we had to leave for the

airport 1 minute later.

but before we

left, i made some

time to get a

few photos

before saying goodbye

to our life as we’ve

known it.

our house sitter was

kind enough to give

us a ride to

the airport

and help us

get our luggage

onto a cart.

as we

crossed the street

to go inside,

we ran into rachel.

perfect timing.

we got checked

in, had some lunch,

then it was

airport security.

madeline was rather

cooperative, but i

think it’s ’cause

she had no

idea what was

about to happen to her.

maddy met some

friends before

we boarded,

giving a little girl

a hug and

a kiss.

a few seconds

later she

tried to steal

a little boy’s

toy car.

glad to know

i’m raising a

caring thief.

finally we were

on the plane

and heading toward

tokyo.

i was

convinced that 11+

hours in the

air with an

18-month old,

would be

no big deal…

for the most part,

i was right.

madeline was a great,

if not lively flier.

she climbed into

her bassinet,

stood on the

edge and jumped

into my arms

at least 25,000 times

(my arms feel like jello),

she threw food,

and kept saying,

“hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi”

to the guy sitting

behind us

(thankfully he was a good sport).

she even managed

to fall asleep for

awhile, maybe like

an hour.

at one point

she woke up

and she completely

lost her shit.

it was bad

and by bad, i

mean is was one

of the worst fucking

displays of infant

behavior i have

ever witnessed.

i would have gladly

gotten off the

plane in mid-air

than sit through

this scream-fest.

i can only imagine

what the passengers

were going through.

i felt awful for

all of them.

holy shit.

we tried everything

to calm her down.

and seriously.

nothing could be done.

she only wanted

daddy, so

i couldn’t pass

her off to rachel…

rachel sang her

luallabies, i sang

her this song

(couldn’t help it…the song has been stuck in my head since yesterday, and i don’t know the words to any lullabies),

we gave her medicine,

and toys,

and fruit,

and cookies,

and cartoons,

and damn near

everything else on

the plane.

finally, a flight attendant

sat down with

us and maddy

became mesmerized.

within seconds, she was

quiet, and when

the flight attendant

walked away,

we had to follow

her to the gally.

i spent the

next two hours there

with madeline,

making friends

with all the

flight attendants.

crisis averted.

we finally went back

to our seat

and maddy sat calmly,

playing with

some toys that

rachel brought for her.

i looked at

rachel and said,

“that really sucked”

and she said,

“yeah, that was an awful 15 minutes”

15 minutes?

no fucking way.

“yes”

she insisted.

it felt like 12 hours.

the rest of the

flight was uneventful…

maddy regained

the friends she had

lost earlier in

the trip by

smiling and saying

hi to all the

departing passengers.

we took a short

walk through

the tokyo airport

before getting back

on the plane and

heading to singapore.

now, maddy should

have been

exhausted, and

thankfully she was.

as soon as the plane started

moving, maddy

passed out.

she slept for

maybe three or four

hours, but it

was not the

soundest sleep

she’s ever had.

she woke up

a few times

and writhed around

in my arms…

luckily rachel is some

sort of baby sorceress,

’cause everytime maddy

would start to stir,

and everytime i got

worried that we’d

have another lax to

tokyo-style meltdown,

her mystical powers

got maddy

back to sleep

almost instantly.

i guess it’s

time i learn

the real lyrics for

“itsy-bitsy spider” and

“twinkle twinkle little star”

instead of the

ones i learned on

the playground

back in gradeschool.

maddy was

perfect on this flight.

i am absolutely amazed

to see how well she did.

i felt like

melting down more

than once,

so the fact

that she

had one major 15

minute freakout over

the course of 18

hours of flying?

pretty great.

i’d say i’ve

got an awesome

little traveler on

my hands.

so now we’re in

the singapore airport

it’s so strange

to be here.

last time i was

sitting in this

spot, it was

december 2007.

liz

was pregnant with

madeline, and i

was on my

way to bangalore

for what would have

been my 5th

and last work-related trip.

the first thing i did

each time i landed

in singapore was

find a wifi

connection so i

could call

liz.

it feels weird

to be here,

in this place

knowing that

i can’t call her,

that i can’t

tell her about

my flight,

that i can’t

ask her what

she wants me

to buy for her

in the duty-free shops,

(she loved when i left the country, just because i could buy her duty-free purses, perfume, etc).

that can’t tell

her i can’t

wait to get

home to her…

so as we wait

for the

visa desk to open,

i’m writing away,

while rachel entertains

maddy at an indoor playground.

soon we’ll be out

of the airport

and hanging out with

our friends.

apparently there’s already

a playdate setup

for madeline.

should be fun,

if only rachel

and i can stay awake.

i’m pretty sure

madeline will be fine.

***just as i finished this post, i turned to my left and saw this sight:

more to come…

also, it’s already oct. 7th here in singapore, so i thought i’d take the time to remind you about the liz logelin foundation’s 7th on the 7th campaign.

you can donate by going here:

thank you!

but before it happened,

we took one

last shot at

our morning ritual…

instead of apples,

that morning

she threw her shoes,

which is good, because

fall is here,

and there are

only a couple

of apples left

on the tree.

after our morning walk,

we took a

trip to

her daycare,

then i made one

last trip to work.

this day was 7+

years in the making.

can’t believe it.

i never imagined

it would happen

this way,

me, quitting a

job i didn’t hate,

to travel the

world and write

a book with

my daughter,

without my

wife.

i mean, i used

to joke with

aj that someday

we’d be neighbors,

stay-at-home dads,

watching our kids

play in the yard

as we enjoyed a

few beers on the

front porch,

while our smarter,

far more capable

wives shattered glass

ceilings and brought

home enough money

to keep us

eating well and

traveling frequently.

yeah.

that was the

life i expected,

the life i wanted.

we wanted.

but that we,

is only me,

and there i was,

7+ years later,

belongings packed,

the bastard’s trophy

passed to another

(office ritual…as one leaves, the trophy gets passed to another, and that person is almost always the next to go),

saying goodbye to

friends, facing an

unknown future.

peter and ben

helped me carry

my shit to

my car, then i

headed to maddy’s daycare

to pick her

up and bring her

back to the office

so everyone could

see her before

we leave.

she entertained,

ran barefoot through

the cubicles,

stole whiteboard markers

and helped me

delete all of the

not exactly work

related e-mails i’ve

gotten over the years.

but like every other

time, the transition

period is short,

’cause from goodbye

we drove straight

to the doctor’s office

for maddy’s 18-month

appointment.

we were running

a bit late,

so grandma broccoli

met us there.

we got inside

and maddy

took a seat

in her favorite spot

the nurse called us

back and while

my mom assisted,

the nurse took the

usual measurements…

head circumference:

height and weight:

pause.

the nurse confirmed

what i already knew…

maddy was bigger.

this trip she weighed

in at 23 pounds, 10 ounces

and was 31 1/4 tall.

48th percentile for both.

and her incredible

height brings her

to 53% of her

mother’s adult height

(that shit makes me laugh…i mean, to think that maddy would be almost to liz’s waist at 18 months is totally hilarious).

no one won the

contest, which sucks,

because i’m sure i

would have found

the winner something

totally awesome

in india.

better luck next time.

after the nurse left,

the doctor entered.

maddy’s usual doctor

just had a baby,

so we met with

a different one.

he came in

and immediately relayed

a couple of

messages from

the female dr. h.

(which is totally amazing because she’s been out of work for 2 months…i mean, how the hell did she know we were coming in that day? i love this place.)

then he got to work…

we talked about

language development,

and the doctor

got one hell of

a demonstration

of her skills

during the short

time we spent together.

we talked about

our upcoming trip,

and the doctor

confirmed what i

already believed…

the trip would be

great for her

(and probably better for me).

he confirmed the

other thing i

could only hope to hear…

maddy is doing great.

a total relief to

hear that…

this parenting thing

seemed easy when she

was young, and it

was easy to

appear successful

back then.

shit.

stick a bottle

in her mouth

every once in awhile,

change her diaper

every few days,

bathe her

once a month

and everything

was fine.

but now it’s harder

to hide my

parenting deficiencies

(and there are a lot of them).

luckily, madeline

does a pretty

great job of making

me look

like a pretty decent parent.

the doctor

left, and a regretful

nurse walked in,

fully aware of

the fact that she

was about to ruin

my child’s day.

a hep. a and flu shot,

and a needle with

a tb test,

and madeline was

screaming like janet leigh

in psycho.

the nurse gave her

a couple of stickers,

which did nothing

to quiet her,

until grandma

stuck one of the

stickers to madeline’s

bare stomach,

scooped her in

to her arms,

and rocked her

back-and-forth.

i usually do this

alone, so it was

kinda nice to

have a little

help this time.

we drove home,

and i played with

maddy until she

fell asleep,

then i ran a few errands

and brought dinner

home for my mom.

i spent the night

wondering if

i had fucked everything

up by quitting what

i quit,

and taking on

what i’ve taken on,

and running to

the place we’re running.

time will tell,

but for now,

i’ll go with

what the doctor said…

friday.

as if fate decided

to play some cruel

joke on me

for what the nurse

did to madeline the

day before,

the next morning

i found myself

sitting in a doctor’s

office, getting

shot up with

flu and typhoid vaccines.

shitty thing is,

i didn’t get a sticker

after my shots.

stupid travel clinic.

i headed back to

the house to

pick up maddy

and my mom…

but first, we worked

on our new morning

ritual.

it was mostly the same

as before,

but after dropping

maddy off at daycare,

i drove past

my old office

instead of pulling

into the parking structure.

it didn’t feel

as weird as i

thought it would.

i suppose it

won’t really hit me

until i’m sitting

in front of my laptop

in bangalore,

on some thursday

afternoon, working

on my book instead

of some work project.

yeah.

my life will

officially be fucking

weird at that moment.

i spent the day

running errands,

my mom in tow,

helping me more

than she knew.

i took a long afternoon

nap, sleeping until

it was time to

pick maddy up

from daycare.

we headed

back to

n. hollywood and

helped maddy

say goodbye to

all of her friends.

despite my attempts

to get her excited

for her

25th round-trip flight,

she apparently has

no idea that she’s

gonna be in

a new place

starting monday.

but her

friends will miss

her for the

next two months.

the good news is

that they’ll see

her again

when we get back…

that night

my mom prepared dinner

for a few

of my friends,

all of whom

wanted to stop

by and say

goodbye…

rhonda, bob and anna first,

then elizabeth, george

and their kids.

maddy played with

the kids and the men,

then went to bed

with only a

few cries.

it was a wonderful night,

and i know

we’re gonna miss

these people

while we’re gone.

saturday

i was up way

too late the night before,

and thankfully

i got to

sleep in a bit

while my mom

spent the morning

with madeline.

i woke up in

time to get maddy

back to the

doctor to figure out

if she has tb.

luckily, she doesn’t

the rest of the

day was spent

cleaning our house

so the housesitter

doesn’t feel like

she lives in

some sort of hyrbid

record/baby-toy store.

in the evening

we hosted a party

at our house.

stupid fucking idea.

i mean, it’s

always great to have

people over to the house,

but the mess

the next morning

is never fun.

especially with all

the shit i have

to do before

we leave on

monday afternoon.

(the crazy thing is that my guests actually did a ton of cleaning before they left).

maddy spent the night

mostly avoiding

anya, amy, eileen, erin, allie, andrea, melanie, briana and chris,

and running

back-and-forth from

ken to greg to jason to peter,

and coming to me

or my mom

whenever she

hit her head on

the corner of the table.

things went on

well into the night,

but eventually everyone

left and i went to

sleep way too late.

i may miss these

people a little

bit while we’re gone.

at least some of them.

sunday.

my mom begrudgingly

(that’s sarcasm, folks)

woke up early with

madeline, while

i slept in.

soon enough we

were on our way

to the airport.

maddy cried as she

goodbye to her grandma,

and i told them

both that

we’d be together again

at the end

of november,

and before that

via skype.

from the airport

we went to santa monica

to do a little

last-minute travel

planning with nanny rachel.

madeline slept through

the entire conversation…

rachel and i remain

hopeful that

madeline will do more

sleeping than crying

when we get on

that flight.

when we got home

we spent the day

avoiding the task

at hand.

instead of packing

i made sure that

we played with all

of her toys,

and read all of

her favorite books.

i watched as

she banged out a

couple of avant-garde

tunes on

her piano.

these moments are

so fucking bittersweet

for me.

so much happiness

piled on top

of so much

something else.

i’d like to think

these feelings will

disappear over

time, but i know

damn well they won’t.

never better, just

less intolerable…

yeah.

i’ve said that

before, but

i’m sticking to

that assessment

of the situation.

…

our house sitter

moved most of

her stuff in tonight.

that should bring

some relief, but it

was really just

a reminder that

this crept up

way too fast,

and that i still need

to pack for

this trip.

the good news is

that she kept an

eye on maddy while

i took care of

some last minute

house work, and when

madeline went to

sleep at 8:00,

our house sitter helped

me clean the kitchen.

awesome.

it’s now 2:30am

and here i am,

12 hours from

flying to india

with my daughter

and a nanny,

but without

liz.

and i’m writing this,

still avoiding the task

at hand…

packing up our lives

for a 2-month

escape from this

reality, to take the

first step in confronting

our future reality.

first we take

on india.

from there?

everywhere else

i went with

liz.

creating a lifetime of

new experiences

in old places.

this and all future

trips are

partially for me,

so i can be

in those places

again, to make those

memories as vivid as

the day they

were created,

but these

trips are

mostly for madeline,

so she’ll know

everything about

her mom.

so in fewer than

12 hours,

we’ll start our

45-hour trip

(yes…45 fucking hours of travel, including layovers)

by going

from lax to tokyo.

after a short

layover in tokyo,

we’ll be on our

way to singapore,

where we’ll see

one of my best

friends in all

the world

(this is the friend who drinks with me and has been known to intentionally burn me with cigarettes, all while wearing a salwar kameez).

and after 19 hours

in singapore,

we’ll be on

our way to bangalore.

and then our

new life begins.

i hope this works…

(expect an update when i find internet access in singapore).

so old to me.

and it used to scare

me to

think of

things like average

life expectancy.

the promise of that

number brought little

hope, because it

never read,

“forever.”

not for any of us.

but 77.9 years for

you just didn’t

seem like enough…

and it’s unreal to

think that you came up

47.4 years

short of that promise.

and to think…

middle-aged at 15?

three years after

you reached middle age,

that’s when i became me.

and almost

18 months after

we got fucked out

of that 47.4 years,

i am still

me, but a different

me, thanks to

you.

and right now…

on the day

you would have

been 32,

i’m here,

in your home,

for another date,

one that i

don’t want to

acknowledge, at least

not without

you.

we shouldn’t be

here,

in your bedroom,

in your parent’s house,

no.

not without

you.

but i am.

and i will be.

and madeline…

she will be,

and she is.

and we are.