my life,

before, during and after

my time with

liz.

and since she died,

it’s been my friends

and family and stranger friends

and music and books and

travel and writing and

memories and photography

and baseball and cheeseburgers

and beer and this blog

and countless other things

that have all been

huge sources

of happiness for me.

and then there’s madeline.

what can i say about

her now that

i don’t think every second,

that i don’t write down

whenever i can,

that i don’t capture

on virtual film

every day?

well, she’s been

my biggest source of

happiness since

liz

died, my reason for

getting out of bed

in the morning,

the reason

i can pull myself

together after

finding a long lost

photo of

liz

in a box in our garage,

the reason i haven’t

fled the country

with just my ipod and wallet.

madeline is my everything.

without her, i would be nowhere,

but with her

i am here.

and now.

there’s another source of

happiness in my life.

her name is brooke.

and we’re dating.

if you’ve looked

at my flickr photostream

lately, that

may be rather obvious.

it’s weird how

things like this

can sneak up

on you,

but i’m happy it did.

we met briefly

last september,

a five minute conversation

that found me

teasing her

(that should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me).

we hung

out a couple of

times at the end of november.

and in december,

when maddy and i

were in mn for

the holidays,

we spent even more time together.

and now,

she’s been out to

los angeles to visit

us twice since

we returned here at the

end of january.

she makes me smile,

and maddy

really loves her.

how do i know?

because madeline hates

most women, yet

she lets brooke do

her hair without

putting up a fight.

but this…

this relationship,

it’s something i’ve

been reluctant to talk about.

why?

because it’s hard

enough to discuss this

with my friends

and family, face-to-face,

let alone

with strangers

on my blog.

plus, i’m pretty

sure this is gonna

change the way

that some people view me.

there’s a line in

this song

conveys my feelings

better than i could.

and widows and widowers,

the people that

i’ve committed to helping,

both through my words

and through the foundation

i started in

liz’s

name, may think

i no longer “get” them.

i assure you,

i do.

finding another source

of happiness does

not mean that i

have moved

past the pain,

’cause i still feel

that pain on a daily basis.

and this doesn’t mean

that i have replaced

liz.

the way i look at

things is that when

liz

died, i died.

but i was reincarnated

a moment later,

and i’m

lucky enough

to have the memories

of my previous

life still with me.

these memories,

both good

and bad,

come to play in my

everyday life,

and it’s these memories

that will keep

liz

alive for madeline.

she will know

her mother through

my memories of her,

through the photographs

i’ve taken,

through the family and

friends that i

hold dear,

and it’s these people who will

remain in her life,

and my life forever.

and i see this

whole thing

as an evolutionary process,

a process that has

me moving through,

not moving on,

because moving on

is impossible.

but happiness…

it’s been here the

whole time,

even in my darkest,

most fucked-up

moments, yes, there

has been happiness.

and with brooke

now in our lives,

there’s even more happiness.

and i don’t see

how that

could be anything

but positive.

(here are some photos of the last week).

back in nov. 2009

when we were

in nepal.

it’s been on the

blog since then, it’s

just been sort of hidden.

(yeah…there are some easter eggs on my blog).

some of you

found it, but now

that i’m further

away from the moment,

i figured

everyone else may as

well see it.

i haven’t read it,

and i don’t remember

all of the

words that i wrote,

but i know

it’s about death,

so you may want to

avoid it.

fuck.

i don’t know.

maybe you’ll want to

read it.

hope that’s sufficient warning.

do what you will.

here it is.

liz

hated jazz.

i can remember countless evenings…

she would

come home from

work, walk into the

house, hear the screeching,

free-jazz horns of

ayler or late coltrane or brotzmann or vandermark or evan parker

or any of the 700+

jazz records i own,

and (attempt) to

yell over the music,

“turn this shit off!”

but she didn’t just hate

the avant garde shit.

she hated it all.

that never stopped

me from playing it.

but i remember

that one day,

a day that i will

never forget,

when she said to me,

“i really, really like this song.”

i paused the

song and said,

“excuse me?”

she looked at

me with that smirk

that said she

was guilty of something

(i now see that same smirk on maddy’s face every time i catch her coloring on something she shouldn’t be).

“yeah, i know. but i really do like this song.”

i’d been working on

her for 12+ years,

and here it was,

nine days before

she died,

that i actually got

through to her.

we listened to

that song quite a

few times

over the next

nine days.

and when it came

time to

choose music for

her funeral,

i made sure that

this song made the playlist.

why do i write

this today?

because the song

came through

the speakers of my

car minutes after

i dropped maddy

off at daycare.

i haven’t heard it

in at least a

year, but i haven’t

really heard it

since that saturday in march.

that day,

it reminded me

of all of this,

and it made me

appreciate the fact

that we were so different.

and today, stuck behind

the highway patrol car

on the 5 and

then the 134,

i remembered everything

again, and i smiled.

fuck.

i love this song.

14 years ago,

a first date.

a couple of nervous kids,

(well, at least one).

dinner. a walk around

a museum. a movie

that became an

instant favorite.

and finally a stop at

a friend’s birthday party

to show off the

girl i only hoped

i’d be able

to keep around.

now, 14 years later,

i picked our daughter

up a little

earlier than usual,

and took her to

see her favorite movie

on the big screen

at a theater in hollywood.

and i watched her

as she watched it

with excitement,

and i did my

best to hold back

the tears

(i failed)

as she looked over at

me with the

same smile,

those same blue eyes.

and then i

smiled as she said,

“daddy. up!”

telling me that she

wanted to

sit on my lap.

and i laughed

when she reached

into the bucket,

grabbing one kernel of popcorn,

at a time,

shoving each one into

my mouth while yelling

out her rather

inappropriate pronunciation

(“cockcorn”).

and then i remembered

being in this

exact spot, watching

a different movie

a few years ago with

liz.

but the memory

was short lived,

because i felt my

legs getting warm,

the unmistakable feeling of

madeline’s diaper

leaking through

her jeans,

and into mine.

now soaked in

baby piss, i smiled again,

thankful for the

little girl who gets

me through these days.

i got a call

from my bud, chrissy

who writes the storked! blog

over at glamour,

asking if we

wanted to join her

and her son, jack

on a free disney cruise.

while, i’m not

really a cruise

kind of guy, but

i agreed to go,

because i figured maddy

would love it,

and yeah.

it was free.

besides, i thought it

was pretty cool that

this was the

first cruise for

both of us.

oh.

and did i mention

it was free?

(i think i’ve now satisfied the fcc ).

all i had to

take care of was the

flight, food (when not on the ship),

and booze.

sounded like

a pretty good deal

to me, especially because

we were going to

escape the cold

of mn for sunny

orlando and

the bahamas.

so last wednesday

we went to

the airport,

round trip flight #30

for maddy,

and i watched

as one of my

dreams was finally realized.

as we waited

for our flight,

madeline colored

and i told her

that we were going

on an airplane,

and the next

day we’d be

on a boat.

she repeated,

“aaaaa boat.”

“aaaaa boat.”

“aaaaa boat.”

“aaaaa boat.”

over and over again,

and thanks to

aj, all i

could think about

was this song

(totally nsfw, nsfc, & nsfpwnsh)

anyway.

we got on the

flight and soon

enough we were in orlando.

met up with

chrissy and jack

and made our

way to the hotel

where we’d spend

a night before

heading out for

our cruise.

orlando was cold.

i mean, really cold.

in the thirties.

not what i expected,

but it was

still warmer than mn.

we got settled in,

the went out for

a late lunch.

maddy lost a shoe

somewhere along

the way, which sucked.

she usually yells, “uh oh”

when her shoe

pops off, but this

time she was

a little distracted

and failed to let

me know.

oh well.

after lunch

we all headed to

epcot and froze our

asses off while we

wandered around the park.

it was weird.

i was here a

few years ago with

liz,

when she was working

for disney and was

on a business trip.

we spent a couple

of days at the parks,

and talked about

how much our future

children would someday

love her

because she could

get them into

the parks for free.

…

i picked out these

ears for maddy

but ultimately she

ended up with these:

we caught up with

our friends, danielle

and her husband, robert

and walked with them

for a bit

before saying goodbye

to chrissy and jack

for the night.

maddy ran around

and made lots

of friends at the

bar while danielle, robert

and i had a drink

and talked.

we watched the fireworks,

before deciding it

was too cold

to be outside.

that night maddy

did a lot

of coloring

while i enjoyed some room service.

thursday morning

we had breakfast

with some new friends,

and maddy went from scared

to skeptical

to acceptance

in fewer than 30 mins.

after breakfast we

jumped in a van

and headed to port canaveral.

the kids

talked to each

other and chrissy

and i caught up

on everything

since the last time

we really had

a chance to talk.

as we pulled up to the

port, maddy started in with,

“aaaaa boat”

“aaaaa boat”

all over again,

and i couldn’t

help but laugh.

liz

always talked about

how disney had

efficiency down to

a science, and

she was right.

the check-in process

was way smoother

than i expected,

especially because i

didn’t have any of

my documents with me

(they had been sent to los angeles and we were already in mn when they arrived).

and we were given

a keycard, to be used

to charge

anything on the boat

(and one of the islands).

we arrived in our

room and found

a fruit and cheese plate,

and a bottle of

champagne waiting

for us.

awesome.

we got suited up

for our mandatory

life boat drill,

then headed to

a welcome party.

the kids played on

the deck,

maddy did some dancing,

swept the floor

with her streamers,

then stood on

her head for like,

15 minutes.

after the party

we headed

back to our rooms

so we could

get ready for dinner.

maddy said goodbye

to land

and watched the

sunset from my arms.

we met up

with chrissy and jack

and went off to dinner.

maddy was exhausted

and fell asleep

during the 5 minutes

between ordering and

delivery of her food.

when the adult food

was delivered,

maddy was passed out

in my arms, so

our waiter offered to

cut my steak for me

then fed me

a couple of bites.

maddy woke up after

i had finished

my dessert and chrissy

and jack had

gone back to their room.

the waiter asked me

if he could bring

madeline another meal

to replace the

one she decided not

to eat when she

fell asleep.

that was awesome.

maddy ate the

second meal

then we went to

the theater

for some live entertainment.

maddy doesn’t weigh

quite enough to

keep her seat in place

she clapped along

to the program

and i thought long

and hard about

keeping my cynicism in

check for her.

(i did pretty well).

we were both

a little exhausted

after the performance,

we went back to

the room and

got a little bit of sleep.

friday morning we

woke up

to the sounds of

the boat docking.

first words out of

maddy’s mouth that morning?

you guessed it.

“aaaaa boat”

at least 12 times,

all without

so much as taking

a breath.

man this kid can talk.

we went out to

our deck

and took in the

beautiful sights.

apparently we were

in the bahamas,

docked at the island

of nassau.

pretty cool.

first trip here for

both of us.

i cleaned maddy

up and we

met up with

chrissy and jack

for some breakfast.

i didn’t bring a

stroller with me,

and madeline was less

than interested

in walking on her

own, so i got

a stroller

(available for free for everyone)

from guest services.

we got

off of the ship

and wandered around

nassau for a bit.

later, we hopped in

a cab and

went over to

the atlantis resort.

the kids enjoyed

what turned out to

be a small

part of the aquarium

before we went

out to the beach.

maddy apparently overheard

me when i told

chrissy how much

i wanted a

mobility scooter,

so when i turned

my head she

tried to steal

one for me.

(i love my kid).

maddy fell asleep

as we toured

the rest of the aquarium

and stayed asleep

as we had a

beer on the

steps in front of the fountain.

we made it back

to the ship

before they took off

without us,

got cleaned up

and went to dinner.

maddy enjoyed all

of the theatrics

that happened in

the dining room,

and again, i found

myself checking

my cynical side

at the door.

our kids threw crayons

and food all over

the floor, and

unlike some places

i’ve been,

the waiters didn’t

seem to give a shit.

they just kept smiling,

which is a nice

thing for a

couple of self-concious

single parents with

naughty children

to see.

madeline decided that

she didn’t want to

go to sleep

all that early on

friday night,

so i took her to

to the 9th deck

to take in some

of the activities.

she spent a bunch

of time on my shoulders

then finally got

down and started

drinking,

dancing,

and running.

we both had

a great night

staying up late

and laughing with

one another.

the next morning

we woke up to

grey skies and rain.

and that meant

we weren’t getting off

of the boat.

the crew announced that

the outdoor activities had

been cancelled, and

soon after printed

and distributed a new list of

indoor itineraries for everyone.

we spent the

day running around our cabin

and the

indoor play area

before getting tired

and passing out.

that night

we had another

amazing dinner

and afterwards,

for the first time

on the cruise,

we put the kids

in the day/evening care

facility so we

could have a drink

and watch the football game.

maddy didn’t even say

goodbye as i was

handed a pager

(to be used in case of an emergency or to let you know when they kid was ready to go).

we met up with

some new friends

and spent the night

laughing and talking

about what it’s like

to watch our

children grow up.

picked maddy up

at 10:30 and

we walked around the

ship for a bit

before going back

to our room and sleeping.

when we woke up

on sunday morning

we were already

docked at port canaveral.

we had time to

grab some breakfast

before exiting the

ship and making

our way

back to orlando.

had a nice lunch

at one of the hotels,

and watched as our

kids played with

crayons and cars

and ate popcorn.

(or as maddy put it, “cockcorn”).

the flight home

was lots of fun.

madeline was

overly tired, which

translates to active

as hell.

thanks once again

to our frequent trips,

we were upgraded to

first class,

which pissed off

some dude wearing

a shirt promoting a

las vegas strip club.

wanted to tell the asshole

the same thing

i always think in

my head when someone

complains about my

baby’s behavior

before we’ve even

gotten on the flight…

“she flies all the time, and she’s usually pretty good, but i’m gonna make sure she cries the entire flight, just to piss you off.”

but i didn’t

think he should be

the first person

to actually hear

those words come out

of my mouth

because he looked

like he beats the

shit out of people

every morning just

to feel something.

so i sat

down with her

and tried

to entertain her

with color wonder markers

(love those things, crayola did not pay me to say that, fcc),

and the few toys

we carried with us.

all she wanted

to do was

run up and down

the aisles, knock

on the cockpit door

and talk to

all of the

other passengers

(while i was left to imagine us getting pounced on my an air marshal).

all of the passengers

were more than

happy to engage her,

everyone but the asshole

we’d already encountered.

whatever.

working to our advantage

was the fact that

there were

two very loud

adults in the back

of the first class

section, who shared

their life stories

at volumes more

appropriate for a

loud club.

the flight attendant

and a passenger

told me they were

happy to have

madeline on the flight

because it helped

distract them

from the loud people.

that was nice.

and by the time

the flight landed,

i was exhausted and

my back was

killing me,

and everyone in

first class

(except for you know who)

complimented madeline’s

wonderful behavior

and told me i

was doing a

great job.

what a great

way to end the trip.

so now what?

we’re back in

minnesota until wednesday morning

(oh shit…that’s tomorrow)

when we head down

to mexico with

liz’s

family for our

yearly trip.

can’t wait to get

down there.

maddy will be playing

with the family and

i’ll be sitting

on a swing

at my favorite bar

in the world,

drinking a pacifico or

seven and working

on finishing up

my book.

i couldn’t think

of a more appropriate

place to be.

and this morning

i started planning

maddy’s second

birthday party.

the only thing

set in stone so

far is that on

march 19th

we’re heading

to paris,

a place i haven’t

seen in almost

11 years.

we may do

a bit of traveling from

there, but no

matter what,

i think she’s gonna

have a nice birthday.

i slept an hour

and a half

the night before,

and i wanted to

get a little more rest

when maddy woke me

up with her

usual morning noises.

instead of going

to get her

as i usually do,

i let her talk

away and attempt

to entertain herself.

20 mins later,

the talking turned

to crying, so

i reluctantly got out

of bed and

into her room

to retrieve her

from her night prison.

the smell of vomit

damn near

knocked me over

as soon as

i opened her door.

now.

i know i’m

the adult in this

situation, but damn it.

i mean, i can’t handle

vomit, i’ve just never

been able to.

like the time my

brother threw up

pizza and orange soda

all over the

new white carpet

at my mom’s house

and i made

liz

clean it up.

or the time that

liz

threw up all over

the carpet in our first

apartment, and i had

to tie a towel around

my mouth and nose

in order to clean

it up.

she laughed at me

for being

like such a little bitch.

(i tried to get her to clean it up, but she claimed she was too sick).

back to tuesday.

i said, “holymotherfuckingshit”

under my breath

(she is repeating everything these days)

and stepped into her room.

i got her out

of her crib,

gave her

a bath and got

her dressed.

she wanted milk, but

i knew better and

gave her water instead.

i put her

in my bed while i

threw her bedding in

the washer.

as soon as i

got the thing started,

i heard the unmistakable

sound of my child vomiting.

yeah.

again.

bath #2.

outfit #2.

second set of

bedding replaced.

she seemed

way better after the

second puking

episode, so i figured

it was a good

time for us to

head out to

get some pedialyte

and other sick-child essentials.

she of course, fell

asleep on the

five minute drive

to the store,

so instead of waking

her up, i reclined my

seat and took

a nap with her.

eventually she woke me

up so we

went in and did

our shopping.

i spent the

rest of the afternoon

and into the night

holding madeline, because

she got super clingy.

it’s weird, she’s

usually too busy

running around

the house, coloring

on my important

paperwork or playing

with her toys

to spend any time

hanging out with me,

but when she

gets sick, she

ends up like this:

(aka, sweet as sugar).

wednesday.

she seemed better.

she was standing up

in her crib,

repeating, “milk, milk, milk, milk.”

it had been almost 24

hours since she

last puked, so

i figured that i could

give her what

she wanted.

she finished the

bottle, i waited

an hour…

no vomiting, so i

figured i’d take

her to daycare.

before leaving she

did a little decorating:

then we got a quick

photo shoot in

before heading out…

i got her dropped off

and headed home

to write…

i spent most of

my day watching

my phone, hoping that

i wouldn’t get

that dreaded phone call

from daycare.

she made it through

the entire day

with no vomiting.

we had a couple

of visitors

that evening…

our house sitter

during our time

in india, and her

friend who’s gonna

house-sit for

us while we’re gone

for the next month.

then michele stopped

by to talk

about our foundations

and everything else.

thursday.

madeline woke up whiny.

i got her out

of her crib,

got her dressed

and gave her some milk.

she usually heads

straight for her

piano in the morning,

but today she laid in bed

with me

that should

have been my first sign

that something was wrong.

she finished up

her milk and

then the whining

really kicked in…

she seemed so sad,

which led me to

wonder if i

could keep her

home from daycare

due to extreme sadness.

i comforted her

a bit before

deciding that she

should go hang out

with her friends

for the day.

she was still

whining when

i got her strapped

into her carseat.

and it struck

me that

she definitely whines

like her mom

used to when

she was sick.

that made me smile.

we made it less

than a mile

from home

before i heard

that sound again.

shit.

looked in the

rear-view mirror

just as she vomited

all over herself.

damn it.

this time

i wasn’t so

much freaked out

by the vomit as i

was worried about

my little girl.

i decided that

it would be best

to just drive

back to the house

to get her cleaned up.

i got her home,

got her out of the

car and

undressed her on

the porch, then

into the bath

she went…

she threw up

two more times

before noon,

but she seemed to

feel better afternoon,

thanks to

a continuous loop

of yo gabba gabba.

thankfully she hasn’t

been running a fever.

unfortunately she

wasn’t all that

interested in eating

and drinking most

of the day, but

she did have

(some) brown rice,

(a little) pedialyte,

and a ton of ice.

by evening, the whining

was (mostly) over,

and my rambunctious

little girl was back.

she threw two

framed photos

on the floor,

did 10-15 laps

through the house,

and pushed my

desk chair

around my office

for 20 minutes.

and while i finished

up this post,

maddy held her barbie up

up to the tv

and said,

“barbie this gabba”

so that was pretty

fucking cool.

and though it would

have been better

for my writing if

i had

had a quiet

day alone,

i really loved

hanging out with

my sick kid.

i just wish

i had some help

putting this car seat

back together.

ages since i’ve

had a proper

update, but that’s

how shit goes sometimes.

1.5 days after

returning from india,

we jumped on

another plane

(maddy’s 28th round-trip flight)

and went to the mn

for thanksgiving with

the family.

everyone was excited

to see madeline,

and only mildly

interested to see me,

which is what

happens when you

have a child.

she got some

quality time in

with awesome auntie deb,

her uncle nick,

her aunties

molly and holly and,

her cousin ava.

and of course,

the grandparents.

i holed-up in

a hotel for

a few days

to work on

my writing,

and spent a few

evenings out

with some friends,

both old and new.

we flew back to

los angeles

after 6 days

in the mn,

and i’ve been more

than a little distracted

since then.

there are several

reasons for that…

my child is more

active than ever.

i’m working on

finding the words

i need to fill

the pages of that

book i mention here

from time-to-time.

and life back

in america presents

a variety of things

that, and people

who weren’t present

in india.

plus now my

days and nights

are generally

the same as everyone

else’s, so hiding

is not as easy

as it was

for the last

two months.

oh.

and i don’t have

rachel’s help anymore.

we both miss her.

in fact, maddy still

calls out her name

as i try

to get her to

sleep at night.

the good news is

that rachel hasn’t

been a total

stranger since we returned,

even though she

lives on the west side

(for those of you not in los angeles, it’s about a 23 mile drive from my place to hers, but the commute can take anywhere from 30 mins to 2.5 hours, so she may as well be in idaho).

she’s been over for

two saturday night

babysitting sessions with

madeline, allowing me

a few nights

out with friends.

so.

madeline

is back at daycare.

her first day

back was a bit

strange for her me.

i planned on sticking

around as long

as she needed me

to do so, with

the idea of easing her

back into things,

but she reached out

for her favorite

caregiver as

soon as we walked

through the door

and gave me a

look that said,

“can you please leave now?”

so i did.

and instead of

pulling into the

parking structure

at my old job,

i drove straight past

the building and went home.

and that’s when

it truly hit

me that i no

longer have a job

to go to.

well, i kinda do,

but it’s not

the same as it

used to be.

now,

i sit in

my office by

myself and

try to write.

i no longer

have my friends

around to drag me to

del taco for lunch,

nor do i

have the privilege

of solving office mysteries

with the mystery squad.

(you know, figuring out the identities of the filthy humans who refused to wash their hands before exiting the restroom and other important mysteries).

but i do have

a couple of

unemployed friends

around town, and

we’ve formed a

new squad chiefly

focused on early morning hikes

and lunch at

restaurants around town.

i write early.

i write late.

the good news is

that the first third of

the book is written.

the bad news

is that

it proved to

be one of the

most difficult tasks

i’ve ever undertaken.

not the writing

itself, but the

thinking about, and the

recording of feelings,

emotions, words that

i’ve held with me,

close to my

heart, unshared with

the rest of the

world, but things i’ve

thought about every

single day since

liz

died.

but…

there is catharsis in

the writing, and knowing

that i don’t have

to think about all

of it

everyday, because

the memories,

they’ve been recorded

and i no

longer have to

rely on my

extremely limited

brain capacity to hold on

to everything.

and now i’m

on to the second

third, and my distractions

have led me to

miss a few deadlines,

but i work better

under pressure anyway.

so what else?

we had

breakfast with a

few friends and santa claus:

maddy decided that

it would be a

good idea to

scratch her friend,

bella’s face.

bella seemed surprised

by the attack,

and i felt like

the most awful

parent of all time.

i mean,

what do you do

at that point?

luckily bella’s parents

are good friends and

chose not to

kick my ass

as a retaliatory measure.

when it was maddy’s

turn to sit on

his lap,

santa said,

“i think you better sit on my lap and have your daughter sit on your lap. i’ve been doing this for years and i can tell when a kid looks uneasy. your kid looks uneasy.”

i took his

word for it.

and four days

later, when i looked

at the photos,

i think i figured

out why she was

a little uneasy

about santa.

after that trauma,

she practiced using

my favorite word.

(rachel taught her that one and i can’t tell you how thankful i am).

maddy has adjusted

quite well

after all of the travel,

and is now regularly

sleeping from 7:00pm to 8:00am,

without waking up.

we spend our

evenings playing with her

toys and dancing

around the living room

to our favorite songs.

i try to be a

good father

and allow her to

listen to yo gabba gabba

as much as she

has to listen to

my favorite music,

but sometimes i fail.

this past weekend

we had our friends,

mark, jeffra and mckenna

in town.

andrea and her

kids joined us and

we visited rachel at

her old/new job

at the santa monica museum of art.

the rain ruined

the kid’s chances of

making art projects

of their own,

so we went inside

and checked out the

art of lynn hanson

and i ended

up with one of

her drawings.

(fell in love with it as soon as i saw it and now it’s hanging in my bedroom).

and i spent

more than a

little time talking

art, writing and

life with robbie conal,

which was pretty

damn awesome.

all-in-all it’s

good to be back

in town.

we’ve got some

exciting travels

planned for january

and the future

(more on that soon).

in the mean time i wanted to share a few things…

a few months ago i was more than a little surprised when i was asked to contribute an essay to be published in the shriver report: a woman’s nation changes everything, a study by maria shriver and the center for american progress.

i found a copy of the book in the middle of my mail mountain when we returned from our trip. i had no idea whether or not they planned to use what i wrote, but as i flipped through the book i ended up on page 368 and was thrilled to find my essay.

you can read it here.

i’ve read a bit of the book and it’s great. it appears that you can read most it online, but if you’re anything like me, you may want a hardcopy of the thing. if that’s the case, you can buy one here.

enough about me.

i wanted to alert you to a couple of events that benefit some great causes, including the liz logelin foundation…

The week of December 7, a group of bloggers, including Buried with Children,Mayhem & Moxie,7 Clown Circus, Scary Mommy, Adventures in Babywearing, The Extraordinary Ordinary, & Mama’s Losin’ It, will be working together to promote an event entitled, Blog, Bid, Hope. By hosting a three day auction, their goal to raise money on behalf of the Liz Logelin Foundation, as well as Anissa Mayhew, a 35 year old blogger who recently suffered a stroke. The auction will offer a variety of items, including blog designs, accessories, baby gear and art. Do some good over the holiday season and donate to the members of the on-line community who need our support. Because different items will be available for bidding on all seven sites, you are sure to please anyone on your holiday list!

finally, one of my best friends in the whole wide world, anthony downs, has offered to donate a portion of the proceeds from his annual holiday party to the liz logelin foundation.

if you’re in the minneapolis area, the following invite is for you:

Join us in celebrating the Holidays by dressing up in your favorite holiday attire. Wear your ugly Christmas sweater, your sweet red/green outfit, or maybe your best Kwanzaa Kaftans. Feel free to bring friends, the invitation is open to all.
Donations will be accepted for The Liz Logelin Foundation and Youth Frontiers. We hope you can join us in supporting these two very worthy causes.

Location: The Local – 931 Nicollet Mall Downtown Minneapolis
Time: Saturday, December 12th 9:00pm

Facebook members can view the event page here: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/event.php?eid=166473189314

i wish i could be there.

finally, today is the 7th, so here’s my monthly reminder about the liz logelin foundation’s 7th on the 7th campaign.

please consider donating

via a network for good:

Donate Now to The Liz Logelin Foundation

via paypal:

more soon…

a night in

a hotel we’d

been to once before,

just for tea

after a long

day of sightseeing,

but still a memory.

this time

we were actually

staying there.

maddy was a crying mess

when we arrived,

drooling and flailing,

turning the heads

of a giant group

of german tourists.

i recognized a

couple of them

from earlier today,

and realized that they

were part of the

same group of

people who watched

as maddy crawled

across the cold ground

of fatehpur sikri.

and i recognized

her behavior as

the telltale signs

of a teething baby.

couldn’t help but

think things

were going to be

disastrous over the next

few days…

we had a rather

tight schedule,

lots of places to

visit, things to

see, and trying to

do them with a

baby acting the way

madeline was

seemed about as

appealing as puncturing

my eardrums with

a pencil.

but the way that

maddy was screaming,

i figured i’d be

deaf soon

enough anyway.

we got checked in,

and had a nice

dinner during which

madeline was calm,

and for the

first time on

our trip,

she chose rachel’s

lap over mine.

the ladies went

to sleep,

while i caught up

with the family

via video chat,

then wrote until

it was almost time

for us to

start our day.

everyone was up

before sunrise,

and excited for the day.

even madeline,

though she

had no idea

what she was about

to see.

our guide and

our driver

were waiting

for us, and

as i shook the guide’s

hand, i remembered him.

at the same

time he reminded me

that we

had been with him before.

standing there,

just outside the

hotel, i had to tell

him about

liz.

figured that was

better than

him wondering all

day why i was here

with a

liz

clone and a

woman who quite obviously

wasn’t the woman he met

three years earlier.

a moment

i hadn’t anticipated.

we were in

the car for a

few minutes before

arriving at

the drop point.

from that spot

we took a pollution-free

vehicle up to

the gates.

(last time we took a camel)

the two previous

times i’d been here,

once with

liz,

and once with

my mom,

the lines were shorter

than it was that day.

but we were

there to

see the place

at sunrise.

and so was

everyone else in agra.

rachel’s line,

(yeah, one for women and one for men)

moved faster

than ours,

so she was

able to get

a couple of shots

of us getting frisked.

finding no

food items

or weapons on

madeline, they

allowed us in.

having the same

guide ensured that

we started off the

tour in the exact same

way the previous

tours had started

so instead

of listening

to him,

i walked with maddy,

letting her explore

the place.

soon it was

time to

go inside.

when i was here with

liz,

i can still

remember the way

she reacted when

she first saw

the place from here:

we kept walking,

pushing past hoards

of tourists

until we finally

made it inside.

the place is

pretty fucking magnificent

no matter what

time of day

you visit,

but sunrise makes the

building look

almost purple

(so get up early and take in the sunrise).

maddy seemed in

awe of place,

just like her

mom.

we kept pushing,

making it to the front

so our guide

could take a

few proper photos

before turning the

camera over to me.

after the photos

we moved on

to a less

busy part of

the place,

the guide picking up

where he left off

three years earlier.

again, rachel listened

intently while

i wandered with madeline.

the other awesome

thing about our

guide is that

he has us stop

for photos in

the exact same places

each time.

he didn’t have the

same motivations that

i did,

instead he just

has a script in

his head that

includes taking the

same touristy shots

no matter who

he’s with.

more walking,

more photographs.

then a seat

more photos

(my green shirt helps me blend in with the bushes).

then…

time for a

diaper change.

we stopped in

another spot,

the spot where

liz

heard the story,

and said the words

that have inspired

me to do what

i do everyday

(i’ll be discussing my visit here with liz in greater depth in my book).

rachel listened

to that same story

while i walked with

madeline.

i just couldn’t

listen to it.

not this time.

tired of walking,

she decided she

was ready

to go in the backpack,

but she drew

a crowd before i

could get her

on my back.

we kept moving.

maddy tried to

do something about

the pain she

felt in her mouth

while i remembered.

we got close

to the mausoleum

itself, and had

to put on

some shoe covers.

rachel has had

to do a lot

of things she

didn’t anticipate during

this trip,

but i may have

crossed a line with her

this time.

as always,

more photos

(comparing the old photos to the new ones makes me really happy i bought that wide-angle lens).

madeline loves a

lot of things in

this world.

one of her favorites

is screaming

(mostly with joy).

she especially loves

screaming in places

where she can

hear her screams echo.

as it turns out,

mausoleums are great

echo chambers,

but not the kind

of place where

children should be screaming.

so i rushed

us out of

the place

while rachel spent

some time with

our guide.

of course,

the screaming stopped

once we got outside,

and she wanted

out of the backpack.

we caught up with

rachel and our guide,

and let madeline

play for a while.

then a short rest

for me.

(i’m getting old).

we kept walking,

heading toward the mosque.

before we got

there, madeline stopped

to meet some friends.

we headed in

and did a

little exploring.

i went back outside

for a few more photos

(you can barely see us in the photos, but we’re there).

then i ordered

rachel to remove

my shoe covers.

somewhere along the

way, maddy passed

out in the backpack,

which made

for a great photo op.

then we made our

way to the

exit and headed

to the next place,

a place i visited

with my mom,

but not with

liz.

we drove through

the streets

of agra,

we arrived, but

before going inside

i had to snap

a few photos.

just inside the

gates of the place,

maddy did what

she’s been

doing during much

of the trip…

she enjoyed

the cold ground.

i stayed outside

with madeline.

while rachel walked

through the tomb with

our guide.

while they were

inside, madeline

got a little

too close to a

monkey and screamed

when it hissed

at her.

it was one of the

first times in

her life that

i’ve seen a genuine

look of terror

on her face.

she jumped into

my arms,

then yelled,

“rayel.”

so yeah,

we went looking

for rachel.

we played for

a bit,

(maddy successfully removed one of the hair ties)

then went inside

to check the

place out.

then for some

reason maddy pointed

toward the monkeys,

suggesting that we

go see them again.

not one to torture

my child,

i tried to

explain to her that

monkeys are mean,

but she didn’t

care, and insisted

we go see them.

this time

she stayed in

my arms,

and enjoyed watching

them swing from

tree-to-tree

and run around.

the guide went out

of his way to

demonstrate his child

rearing skills

and madeline demonstrated

that she likes

rachel more than me.

rachel snapped this

gem of a

photo on the way

out of the place.

back in the car,

we drove past

a religious procession.

after a little

shopping, we took

a short walk

around the town.

then it was back

in the car,

and off to our

last site of

the day.

we were here.

it was the same

day that we

visited fatehpur sikri,

and it was

hot as hell.

today, it was

hot, but nothing

like that day.

(tip…visit north india in the winter).

we took a

couple of photos

before heading inside.

maddy was excited

to be running on

her own

but soon wanted

to be back

in my arms

she met some friends

then got shy.

we made our way

into the next room

and some time

playing while

rachel and the guide

continued talking.

the exploring continued…

we stopped in

a spot where

she

once was.

this one was

tough for

me for some reason.

but soon

i was laughing

again as

i performed another

diaper change

in front of another

historical place.

we took a few

more photos

before leaving the place.

happiness.

relief.

nothing more to

see that day,

so we made our

way back to the hotel

for dinner.

maddy and rachel

went to bed

early, anticipating our

early morning car ride

the next day.

i stayed up

late again,

writing about

the memories that this

trip brought

back to life.

at 5:00

the next morning

we were back

in the car,

sleeping our

way toward delhi.

i woke in time

to take a

couple of photos.

6 hours after

leaving agra

we were on

a plane, flying

toward another

country and more memories.

1.5 hours later,

we’d touch down

in kathmandu, nepal,

the place where

i asked

liz

to marry me.

morning we were

back in the

car with our driver, daniel

and on our way

to agra.

but before going to

agra, we stopped at

fatehpur sikri, a

place i visited with

liz

back in 2006.

this was the

real start of the

trip for me.

time to confront

the memories i’d been

seeking since

we arrived in india,

and to share them

with madeline.

we arrived, and things

were a little different.

instead of driving

right up to

the entrance, we had

to abandon our

car and driver

and drive up in

a non-polluting vehicle.

and this time,

we went in a different gate.

i remember the place

so well.

last time we were

here it was

unbearably hot,

like 117°f (42°c)

and we were

both a little

more than uncomfortable, but

liz,

she was really

not dealing with

the heat.

she complained almost

the entire time, but

she had a great

sense of humor

about it,

letting me snap some

photos of her reenacting

her mini tantrum.

but this day,

3 years and

a few months later,

we

were here,

and it was a

hell of a lot cooler.

which is great,

because if i’ve

learned anything on

this trip, it’s

that madeline is more

her mother’s daughter

than she is

her father’s daughter.

and thanks to

the lack

of heat, we

were able to explore

much more than we

got to

on our last trip.

we walked around

for a bit,

hearing about the

history of the place

from a guide,

while snapping some photos.

we walked through

a doorway

and it came back

in a way i

didn’t anticipate.

i stood in the doorway,

frozen for a

few seconds,

trying to slice

the past from

the present.

that water tank.

we walked there.

but this time

we could only

mind the sign.

we did

some more walking

and some more remembering

and with some

of most ear-piercing

screams of all time,

maddy let me know

that she was ready

to get out

and explore on her own.

her independence only

lasted a few seconds

before she dragged me here:

and i told you

earlier that it

wasn’t hot.

well, it was,

just not as

hot as it was when

we were last here.

like her mom

a few years

earlier, madeline

pitched a serious fit

and just like her mom,

madeline took refuge

in the shady spots

but unlike her

mom,

she

decided that

the best way

to cool down

would be to lie

down on the ground.

the rest of the

tourists didn’t know what

to make of her,

so they largely

ignored her.

(a couple of old ladies gave me disapproving looks, but i didn’t give a shit. my kid was happy and not damaging anything/anyone so i let her lie there).

after a good

10 minutes of spinning

around on the dirty

ground, we took

a little walk,

stopping long

to relive more

of the moments.

maddy had a great

time running around

and exploring.

from here,

we went to

a place we skipped

last time

(yes, because of the heat)

a beautiful bit

of architecture in the

form of a mosque.

rachel got the

scarlet cover-up

’cause her skirt

came up

just above the knees

(she wasn’t alone, i saw a couple of women and least one dude with the leg cover).

after a quick

drink of water,

we made our way

through the place

we stopped to

get some head covers

before

entering a shrine

and tying some

wish strings.

then we covered the tomb

and threw rose petals

upon it.

we then continued

to explore

the place

maddy, as usual,

made some friends

then more exploring.

on the way out,

maddy made

friends with a goat

before showing us

how happy she was

followed by how tired

she was.

lucky for her

we were about to

get back in the

car for the hour

or so drive to agra.

she took

a nap, and

rachel and i

took it all in.

we’d soon be

in agra,

and at sunrise tomorrow

we’d be on our way

to one of

liz’s

favorite places

in the whole wide world.

and i couldn’t

wait to

get there.

(part iii coming when i get some time).