for my plan of

hiking and reading everyday.

i feel like i’m

busier now than

ever before.

let’s get right into it…

on august 11th

the goodmans arrived

for our third

annual trip to celebrate

my wedding anniversary.

while we waited

for them to arrive

i watched maddy

try to drive

my car,

play with some

bamboo sticks,

and pick the flowers

in our yard.

as she played

i thought about

liz

and the fact

that i had two

wedding anniversaries with

her, and now

three without her.

it just didn’t

seem possible.

there was our child

playing in the yard,

just as

liz

pictured it.

fuck.

***

the next day

we were all on

our way to central california.

maddy entertained

us the entire way

her new favorite thing?

to hear stories

with her as the

main character.

we all laughed

our asses off

as she would yell,

“talk about the maddy”

at the end of

each story.

grandma candee and

grandpa tom tell me

that this is

in the genes…

liz

used to sit on

a swing, yelling,

“somebody push me!”

let me translate both

phrases for you.

“pay attention to me!”

i love to see

those personality traits

coming through, even

though the only

time they had

together was

while maddy was in

the womb.

along the way,

we made an

unplanned stop.

as soon as we

turned into the

lookout point,

i recognized the place…

we had been

here a few years earlier.

almost exactly four

years ago.

i had just returned

from india,

just in time for

our first wedding anniversary.

and we headed up

to the santa ynez valley

to visit the wineries.

along the way,

we had stopped here.

in this very place.

instantly recalled from

the depths of

my mind,

the photo of

liz.

double fuck.

we were parked

and we all needed

to stretch our legs,

so we did.

and we took some photos.

soon we were

back in the car

and on our way,

but i couldn’t

help but think of

that time

four years earlier.

i just wish i could

remember more of it.

***

after a few more

hours of driving,

including a nice drive

along a very dark

pacific coast highway,

we finally found the

place that candee

had booked for us.

candee and debbie

offered to hang out

with maddy while

tom, brooke and i

went on a search

for food.

as it turns out,

there are no grocery

stores or restaurants open

past 10:00 on a week

night in that

part of the world.

so that night we

ate food from

a gas station a few

miles south of

where we stayed.

and it was awesome.

***

the next morning

we headed to san simeon

to check out

hearst castle.

we took a tour

that was shortened

for some of us

because madeline decided

she liked hearing her

voice echo in

the huge rooms.

we rejoined the

rest of the group

and madeline fell

in love with the

indoor pool.

no trip to

any historical monument

would be complete

without a stop

in the gift shop.

brooke (or “brookie” as maddy calls her)

picked up a

toy for maddy

that had both of

us reliving our childhoods.

soon we were back

at the house…

while the ladies

slept, i went on

a short photo

excursion with tom.

after nap time,

we went to visit

the elephant seals…

that night we had

an even better meal

than the night before.

this time from

a grocery store,

and not a gas station.

***

the next morning

we jumped in the car

and headed north

toward monterey so

we could take in

one of maddy’s

favorite activities…

checking out an aquarium.

we had a lovely

drive up the pch

and after a short

stop at pebble beach,

we found ourselves

at the aquarium,

where maddy’s mind

was officially blown.

and then she

got a little confused.

after an early dinner

in monterey, we

drove home,

enjoying the sun set.

once it got dark,

the lovely twists

and turns we experienced

on a well-lit

pch became a little

too much for

some of us to handle

(i won’t mention any names here).

the next morning

we explored the back yard

then checked out of

our place and stopped

to see maddy’s new

favorite animals.

brooke took control of

my camera for

a few minutes,

and got some of

my favorite photos ever.

soon we were

on the road

back to los angeles,

but we made sure

we stopped along

the way.

first, in morro bay,

where maddy thought

for a few seconds

that she didn’t want

her feet to

touch the sand

then decided she

didn’t care.

later we stopped in

san luis obispo

and i almost threw

up in bubble gum alley.

(so, so gross).

we had a short

stop for lunch

(and coloring)

then got stuck

in some awful traffic

on the way

through santa barbara.

while we waited,

brooke and i

settled on a destination

for her birthday trip

(which was the next tuesday).

a couple of hours later

we were back in

los angeles, and after

a quick unpacking/repacking

of our bags,

we were in the

car and on our way

to vegas while

maddy stayed back with

grandma, grandpa and auntie debbie.

we made it to vegas

in record time, and

got checked into

our hotel at 1:30am.

we went out for

a couple of hours,

and i watched as brooke

won a few dollars.

(i lost $20).

the next morning we

caught up with

my friend mark

who was in town from

the mn.

the three of us

hit the pool at

mgm, doing our best

to stay cool in the

awful heat

(we probably should have just stayed inside).

after a long day

at the pool,

we had

a great dinner

at the belaggio.

the next day

we walked through a

couple of casinos

and had lunch

before brooke found

a slot machine

that just called

her name.

within minutes

she won $120.

from a penny slot machine.

birthday girl’s luck.

i lost $40.

and like total

tourists, we had

to get a photo doing this:

and this:

soon we were back

in the car

and on our way

back to maddy.

i insisted we stop

and take a photo here:

four hours later

we were back home.

it was important

and necessary

for us to get away

(as it is for any couple),

but we both missed that

little girl so much,

and were happy to be home.

***

the next day we

said goodbye

to the goodmans

and it was back

to our everyday lives.

i’m pretty damn lucky

to have such

great people in

my life…

such understanding in-laws,

and an understanding

woman in brooke.

***

something i failed to write about (at least on my blog) was my experience at camp widow. you can read more about it here.

my favorite part of the weekend (besides getting to hang out with new and old friends), was fulfilling a life long dream of giving away a giant check (on behalf of the liz logelin foundation).

the recipient of this grant, emily morgan, is the 43rd llf grant recipient. it’s primarily readers of this blog that made this possible, and i wanted to make sure that you all got special thanks.

also, i wanted to remind folks that the llf walk run hope 5k and celebration of hope gala are coming up. we’d love to have you at both events, so sign up as soon as possible to beat the deadline for the 5k and to get discounted tickets for the gala.

please help us give out more big checks.

thanks,

m.

(oh…and a book update coming soon. seriously. like, on or before this friday).

just fucking with you?

sometimes i feel

like madeline says/does

things just to see if

i’ll actually comply

with her demands.

here’s what

happened last week…

first, let me say

that she has been

the most amazing

little sleeper since

she was two months old

(aside from some awful illnesses and teething).

but recently she’s

started waking up

in the middle of

the night and

yelling for me.

like last sunday

when she woke up

telling me that

her bed was

filled with “‘piders.”

in my stupor

i guessed it was possible

that there were

spiders in her bed,

but after a long

search i came up

with nothing.

no spiders.

no bugs.

nothing.

the next night

i woke

up to her frantically yelling,

“daddy! daddy!”

i rushed into

her room to ensure

there were no

spiders. i knelt down at

her bedside and asked

“what’s wrong?”

she sat up…

“that,” she said pointing

at the open closet door.

“i’m scared of that.”

i closed the door

and she laid

back down,

apparently content that

she woke me

up again.

the next night,

she called for me

again, but after two

nights of this,

i was moving

a little slower

because i was sure

nothing was seriously wrong.

somewhere in the middle of

her yells for

daddy, she mixed in

a “matt! matt!” which

made me worry

that maybe she was

having a bad dream

or something.

i opened up the

door and she was

sitting up,

pointing at the

sea creature painting

on the wall

opposite her face.

“dolphin. starfish. seahorse.”

“what about them, maddy?”

“take them out.”

“take them out of the room?”

“yes. outside.”

i took the painting

off of the wall

and placed it on

the floor

outside her room.

the next night

i heard her screams

and laid in

bed for a minute wondering

what she wanted.

when i opened the door,

her head was

still on the pillow.

this time she said

“too dark, daddy.”

too dark?

she’s never complained

about that before.

“maddy. it’s night time.”

“too dark” she

whined back at me.

i looked back toward

her door

and saw the

robot night light

upside down in the

the socket.

it had been plugged

in to that

spot for almost two

and a half years.

that night,

i turned it on

for the

first time ever.

a night light

shouldn’t make anyone

sad, but

when i flipped that

switch, i remembered the

day i pulled it

out of the paper bag

and showed it to

liz.

it was a few days

before madeine was

born and i had

found the thing

in the hospital

gift shop.

liz

was still less than

thrilled about

my previous robot

purchase, but i hoped

this would make

her laugh.

instead she groaned.

then she told me that

we needed a more

feminine night light

for our daughter’s room.

***

as i closed the

door she said,

“turn it off.”

i opened the

door and switched it off.

“good night, maddy. i love you.”

“i know,” she said.

i pulled the

door closed again

and heard her say

“too dark.”

i opened the door

and switched it

back on.

“i’m going to bed now. i love you.”

once again

she said, “i know.”

and as i pulled

the door closed,

i once again

heard her say,

“turn it off.”

by now my sadness

was gone.

all i could do

was laugh.

i reached in,

turned off the

light and without

a word started

closing the

door again.

this time i heard

maddy say

“i love you, daddy.”

***

these interactions

aren’t just happening

at night…

things are equally interesting

when we’re in the car.

she likes to

drop her toys

and books on

the ground, just out

of reach and yell

for me to pick them

up while driving.

she yells at me

to clap along

to the music.

and she tells

me to sing along

to songs that

she’s learned at

daycare that i’ve

never heard, then

yells at me when

i don’t get the

lyrics right.

and last tuesday

she said

“tickle maddy.”

as i continued

driving, i reached back

and poked her

in the stomach,

making her squeal.

then she said

“grab maddy’s knee.”

i put my hand on

her left knee.

“grab maddy’s other knee.”

i tried to

explain to her

that it was

impossible for me

to do so

while driving.

then she started

to get weird.

“put daddy’s glasses on arm!”

“what?” i said.

obviously annoyed,

she said “look at maddy!”

i looked in

the rearview mirror

to see her sunglasses

resting on her arm.

i removed my

hand from her knee,

took off my

sunglasses and placed

them on my arm.

she seemed happy

with that until

she realized that

my hand was no

longer on her knee.

“daddy! put hand on maddy’s knee!”

with my sunglasses

on my arm,

i reached back

and put my hand back

on her knee.

she laughed,

then said

“daddy! pull up your sleeve!”

i looked in

the rearview mirror

again and saw

the frantic look

in her eye and

heard the kick

of her feet against

the passenger-side seat

that meant she

was serious.

luckily we were

stuck in standstill

traffic on the 5

so i took my

hand off the wheel

and rolled up

my sleeve.

i heard her laugh

a sinister laugh.

then she yelled,

“put on maddy’s tigger hat!”

she handed me

the tigger hat

and i put it

on my head.

so there i was

stuck in

traffic with my

right hand on

her knee, my sunglasses

on my arm

my sleeve rolled up

and an infant-sized

tigger hat on my head.

then she yelled,

“sing pider song.”

that’s where i drew

the line.

but there’s nothing

like hearing her

laugh every

time i comply with

the next order.

or hearing her

say “i love you, daddy”

after i remove

the requested items

from her room.

it feels a bit like

i’m part of some

two year old’s version

of one of those

419 scam baiters making me

do all sorts

of weird shit

just to get back

at me for something.

let’s hope this

is bad as

her revenge gets…

***

(don’t forget the liz logelin foundation is still looking for sponsor, donations and attendees for the celebration of hope gala and the
5k).

my book, i took

a little time away

from my computer.

i needed it.

but i haven’t

just been sitting

on the couch…

we were in mn

for a week,

during which i joined

brooke and her

family for a saturday

afternoon at a beer

festival in chetek, wisconsin.

(maddy stayed back with the grandparents).

it was a beautiful day,

with an

awesome band

whose music made

brooke do this:

(the beer may have had a bit to do with that as well).

after the beer fest,

we drove through town

and i made some

new friends.

then we were back

on the road,

stopping for photos

with things i

don’t ever see in

los angeles.

the next morning

we were back in

minnesota, helping

tom and candee

set up for maddy’s

pool party.

actually, brooke

did most of the

helping while i took

a nap, but that’s

beside the point.

we had a great

turnout, and a ton

of fun.

especially maddy, who

spent almost the

entire party in the water,

even eating

her dinner in the pool.

…

while brooke worked,

maddy and i

spent some time

with aj, sonja, and emilila

at the splash pad,

the park and

the pool,

and some time

with the grandparents

and her newest

cousin, isla.

the day before

we left we

went to her uncle

adam’s baseball game

where she played

with ava

these two are

going to be

trouble together

someday, as evidenced

by this photo of the

two of them

trying to get the

attention of some

of the opposing team’s players:

during the game

we took a little

walk to

a spot i’ve always

wanted to visit,

but for some reason,

never found the

time to.

the next day we

were back on

a flight to los angeles

so we could be

home in time

for my friend

jasmine’s wedding.

maddy spent the

night with elizabeth

and family,

while we went to

the wedding.

had a lovely night,

and finally got to meet

aislinn and matt’s

new baby.

sunday we had our

friend andrea

and her kids over

for some fun in

the pool that brooke

bought for maddy

…

people keep asking

me what i’m doing

with my time

now that the

book is done…

well, with it

out of the way

it’s time to

get to work

on some stuff around

the house.

i spent all of

last week cleaning

and organizing my house.

this has been sort

of an ongoing

process the past few

weeks, but there’s

a lot more to do.

i hadn’t seen the

surface of my

desk in forever,

but i can happily

say that

after an entire day

of work,

i now can.

the living room has

been decluttered and

the folks at goodwill

now have close to 50

of my old books.

the kitchen cupboards

have been reorganized

and lots of

food well past

its expiration date

has been tossed.

but i can’t clean

this house forever,

so as soon as

all of the necessary

reorganization is done

i’m going to take

advantage of this

lull in activity to

do some things

that i haven’t

done nearly enough of

in the past few months.

since brooke

works every day

and maddy is playing

with her friends

at daycare,

my plan is to have a

routine that includes

hiking in the morning

and reading in

the afternoons.

sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?

i can’t wait.

…

last friday brooke’s

mom, aunt and cousin

came out to los angeles

for a visit, but i

think it was

mostly to escape

the humidity of

the midwest.

we had a great time

showing them

around town,

and even more fun

hitting up disneyland

and the next day

taking brooke’s

cousin to travel town

at griffith park

(the kid fucking loves trains…and so does maddy).

it was lunch time

and maddy really

wanted a tootsie pop,

but i wasn’t

willing to let

her have it until

after lunch,

so she sat

down in the middle

of the sidewalk

and threw one

of the most awesome

two-year old

shit fits ever.

(i should have turned the video camera on, but i figured i’d spare everyone).

with a little disciplinary

help from brooke,

we got her

calmed down and

she ate her lunch.

of course she

was then rewarded

with a very

sticky cherry lollipop.

that night we

had the great pleasure

of hosting the spohr

family for dinner

and a lot

of laughter.

maddy went to

sleep early

after staring in

amazement at annie,

and more than once

saying,

“daddy! hold her!”

it hit 10:00

and the jobless among

us could have

partied all night

if not for our

working-stiff partners.

jerks.

now it’s tuesday

and as much as

i want to lay on

my couch and read,

i actually have

a meeting with some

folks on the other

side of town later

this afternoon.

(don’t forget the liz logelin foundation is still looking for sponsor, donations and attendees for the celebration of hope gala and the
5k).

(also, i’ll be speaking at camp widow 2010. click the image below for more information).

had some visitors…

grandma candee, grandpa tom and

auntie debbie came

out to la

to spend some

time with us.

though we just

saw them a

month and half

ago, it had been

almost a year since

they were

last in our neighborhood.

time certainly

does fly…

not only did

i wanted to spend some

time with them,

but i had a plan…

(more on that soon).

everyone arrived on

friday, and the first thing

we did

(after the hugs)

was release the butterflies

maddy had been

watching since they

were just caterpillars.

after her friends

flew away to freedom,

she sang a few

songs and played the

guitar with auntie debbie.

saturday morning

we went to

silver lake for

some playtime,

and a trip to

the farmer’s market

where maddy played

some percussion instruments

and listened to

some music.

then she made

a very special

princess wand

which she later

used in an

attempt to make

her cousins ava

and isla appear.

after a header

into the sidewalk

(thankfully no injuries),

i tightened up her shoes

so she could go

shopping for some berries.

she did a

little dancing

before getting a

little tired and

jumping in the stroller.

we stopped for

a snack

and soon her restlessness

and tiredness

made it obvious that

it was time

to head home for

a nap.

during nap

time i talked to

everyone about my plan…

i thought it was

time to get maddy

a big girl bed,

and i really want

the goodmans to

be here when

i did it.

why?

well, they were

here back in january

2008 to help

paint maddy’s room

and assemble the crib that

liz

and i bought.

the same crib

maddy’s been

sleeping in since she

out grew the bassinette.

it was important

to share this moment

with them.

and as tom

pointed out, it’s

not actually about

building the bed,

instead it’s about

sharing these

experiences together.

and i know that

liz

would be so happy

that we were

doing so.

so after nap time,

we headed to ikea

and let maddy

try out a couple

of beds…

but she didn’t

really give a shit

about the bed

so much as she

cared about the bedding.

she insisted

on the

colorfully striped sheets,

which i was

more than happy to buy.

with her new

sheets and bed

in the back of

my car, we

stopped for some cupcakes

at her favorite

cupcake place.

as much as i

wanted to get maddy’s

bed set up,

we first had a

lot of cleaning/organizing

to do before

we made the change.

and i wanted maddy

to have one

last night in

the crib her

mom

picked out.

i thought maybe

i would be sad

to be making this

transition, but more

than anything i’m

thankful that maddy

is healthy and happy.

i’m just incredibly

sad that

liz

is missing it all.

***

the next morning as

we waited for

tom, candee, and

deb to arrive,

maddy sang a song

to her doll.

after some coffee

for everyone but

maddy and me,

it was time to

get to work.

brooke and tom took

maddy to the park,

deb studied for

the bar exam,

and candee and i

waded into the

mess that was

maddy’s room.

the plan was to

take everything out

and sort through it

in the living room,

which seemed like the

only possible way

to tackle such an

immense task.

how immense was it?

well, even though

we’ve given away

or donated countless

boxes of clothes,

toys and books,

we still had

a ton of stuff.

like three dresser

drawers filled with blankets

(41 blankets in all, many handmade and personalized, most now boxed up to be shared with maddy when she’s much older, to prove just how incredibly loved she was by a bunch of stranger friends)

and 73 pairs

of shoes.

yes.

73.

the photos alone

speak to the

absurdity of that

number of shoes for

anyone at

any age, but especially for

a 2+ year old.

in my defense,

a few things led to

this awful display

of conspicuous consumption/hoarding.

* her mother and i both loved/love shoes. i bought more than a few of the pairs you see on that table, but i didn’t buy them all…many were sent to us by stranger friends.
* it was impossible to know how many pairs she actually had because they had been stashed in various boxes in her closet, dressers and under her bed.

so know that

i know i have

a problem,

it was time to

do something about it.

of course, i’ll keep

some for maddy, but

i plan to donate

many of the shoes

to a local shelter,

and of course auction

of some for the

upcoming liz logelin foundation auction.

(more about that at the end of this post).

after her room was

emptied, it was time

to take down

the crib

and put together

the new bed.

maddy was thrilled

to test it out

and had no

intention of getting

out of it.

when bed time

finally came around,

she was excited to again

get into her new bed.

i had a few

concerns as i kissed

her goodnight.

i was worried

that she would:

1. roll out of bed in the middle of the night.
2. take her new found freedom and crawl out of bed in the middle night.
3. be scared about the changes.

to deal with

the first issue,

i placed some

pillows beside her

bed in case

she rolled out.

i prepared myself

for a long, sleepless

night if the

the other two

things happened…

she woke up crying

twice before 10:30pm,

but slept through

the night after that.

(i’m happy to report that it’s now thursday night and so far she still loves her big girl bed, continues to sleep through the night and has yet to roll out. even better, she hasn’t quite figured out that she can get out of her bed whenever she wants. (i hope she doesn’t figure it out until she’s through her teenage years). in fact, each morning calls my name, staying in bed until i come to get her).

***

monday

we took tom, candee

and deb to the

airport and i continued

revising my book.

tuesday and wednesday

were spent trying

to get rid of the

cold maddy gave me,

and wednesday,

i sent my editor

what should be the

final set of revisions

on my book.

(i’m awaiting her final read-through for confirmation that i’m actually done).

i can’t begin to

tell you how

excited i am

to be finished.

i don’t have an

exact release date yet

(i’ll be sure to let you know when i do),

but i can

tell you that it

will be come out

in april 2011.

***

tomorrow we’re

flying to minnesota

for a week

with our families.

speaking of that…

we’re having a pool

party at tom and candee’s

house, and if you’re

in the mpls area,

we’d love it if

you can join us.

drop me a

line at

mattandmaddy (at) gmail (dot) com

and i’ll send

you the details.

please include

“pool party” in the

subject line.

***

finally, i wanted

to let you know

that tickets

for the liz logelin foundation

“celebration of hope” gala event

are now on sale.

please read below

for details on

how to buy

your tickets.

Celebration of Hope

Friday, September 17, 2010

At Solera, Minneapolis

A casual fun evening of food, drink, silent and live auctions and the music of Tim Mahoney.

Tickets are priced as follows:

1. Tickets purchased between July 7-August 15: $40*
2. Tickets purchased between August 16-Sept 16: $45*
3. Tickets purchased at the Door: $50*

*service charge not included

To purchase tickets online with check or credit card please click here

To purchase tickets by mail please print, fill out and mail in the Celebration of Hope Ticket Form along with your check to the foundation.

Auction Information:

Interested in making a donation for the silent, live, or online auctions? Please download the Auction Donation Form. Contact auction@thelizlogelinfoundation.org if you have questions about the auction or would like to talk to someone about your donation.

Any other questions? Please contact rachel@thelizlogelinfoundation.org

*All proceeds go directly to The Liz Logelin Foundation*

====================

and don’t forget about the 5k the next day:

Make plans now to participate in our second annual 5k, Walk Run Hope, sponsored by Raymond James Financial Services, Inc., on Saturday, September 18, 2010 at 6 pm at Minnehaha Park in Minneapolis, MN.

The race entry fee is $25 for pre-registered runners/walkers (postmarked by 9/10/10 or registered online by 9/12/10) and $30 for race day registrants. Race t-shirts can also be purchased through the online registration site for $18 (which includes shipping). Race t-shirts and race packets are guaranteed for the first 300 pre-registered participants.

An award ceremony will be held following the 5k, and overall male and female winners, Masters (40+), Grand Masters (50+), and the top three finishers in each age group will be presented an award. The age groups are 0-14, 15-24, 25-34, 35-44, 45-54, 55-64, 65+.

Please bring your families to enjoy some kid-friendly activities before, during, and after the race, and please plan to join us for an ice cream social immediately following the award ceremony.

This year, there are two ways to register: (1) Sign up using your credit card using our online registration form. (A service charge will apply.) You can also order an official race t-shirt without actually registering for the race using the online registration form. (2) Print, complete, and send our registration form in to the Foundation with a check for your entry fee. And if you’d like to raise money through pledges in support of your participation in the 5k, please check out our pledge form; the top individual fundraiser will win a prize!

Kids 12 and under who want to participate in the 5k can (1) pre-register for the race for $20 using our online or paper registration form (please note on the paper form that the participant is under 13 and remit $20, rather than the adult entry fee of $25); (2) run or walk in the race with their parents free of charge, provided a waiver of liability (included on the paper registration form) is completed on their behalf (if you choose this option, the children will not receive an official race-tshirt or race number and will not be eligible for an award); or (3) purchase an official race t-shirt through our online registration form and run or walk in the race with their parents, provided a waiver of liability is completed on their behalf (these children will not have a race number and will not be eligible for an award).

If you’re interested in helping sponsor the race, or know someone who might be, please download the Sponsorship Commitment Form.

Questions about the 5k? Email danielle@thelizlogelinfoundation.org.

Thanks to our 5k sponsors!

Contact Dave at Raymond James Financial Services, Inc.

i looked at

the date of my

last blog post

and i can’t

believe how long

it has been

since i last posted

an update.

well, here’s why…

as you know,

i’ve been working

on this

little project that

is my book

(due out in april 2011 from grand central)

at the moment,

i’m waiting for

what should be

the final round of

revisions to arrive

on my doorstep from

my editor.

the really fun

begins shortly

after that, and i

can’t wait to

share the process with you.

more updates soon.

so…

what have been

up to since

the last proper update?

well, we took a very

quick drive up

the coast to

visit some friends.

on the way there we

stopped to

pick blueberries

then we found

mark, jeffra and mckenna

and hung out with

them at the beach.

the next day we

went to what has

to be the world’s

oldest aquarium

(i don’t know that to be true)

where we watched

the performing seals.

holy shit are

they loud.

later we headed

to another beach

where maddy

ran through the

sand like the

little california gal

she is.

we said goodbye to

our friends and

made the drive

back to los angeles,

halfway home

i unexpectedly

drove past some of

the spots where

liz

and i spent our

first wedding anniversary.

i didn’t really know

we’d be driving past

them, but after

an unplanned detour

we ended up doing so.

we continued our

drive, stopping for

some photos:

that week

my brother

david and his friend

flew out to

los angeles so

david could take my

old car from

my driveway.

it had been sitting

there, largely untouched,

for quite awhile

so it seemed natural

to give it to him.

i didn’t think it

would be as hard

to see it go

as it actually was,

(it was the car i bought when i first moved to la, and liz was the one who negotiated with the used car dealer to get the price down).

but i felt

great that it

was going to

one of my favorite

dudes in the

whole world.

later that week maddy

hung out with

melanie and i took

brooke to see

the why? concert in pomona.

yeah, it was

mostly for my

enjoyment, but i

had another reason for going…

i needed to get

the songwriter’s permission

to include his lyrics

in my book.

my friend lorieanne

set up the

meeting, and before

the show, yoni

graciously signed

the legal document

my publisher requires…

the amazing thing

is that he’s

allowing me

to use the lyrics

without asking for

anything in return

(aka, he told me i could use his words without paying him, even after i offered to do so).

that’s amazing.

i’ve also been in

contact with

a couple of other songwriters

whose lyrics will

be included in the

book, and they’ve

been equally amazing about

allowing me to reprint

their words

(taking care of these legal requirements really makes this whole thing seem so much more real).

and as if

yoni hadn’t

already done enough

for me, he fulfilled

a life-long

music nerd dream of

mine and dedicated

to me

the song i’m

using in the book.

awesome.

the next weekend,

we went to a

birthday part for

maddy’s friend, sophie.

brooke was

thrilled because

some guy from

some movie was there

and maddy was excited

to play with

some of her

favorite book characters,

watch sophie dance

with an older man,

see some giant bubbles,

get enveloped by

a giant bubble,

and finally,

sample every

sugary snack in

the place.

thankfully there was

some fruit in

the place to

take her attention

away from the candy.

as a bonus, we got

to hang out with

heather, mike and annabelle.

***

the next weekend

maddy stayed

in los angeles

with brooke and

i snuck back

to minnesota for a

weekend with some

dudes from college

(shhhhh…don’t tell my editor).

after a night

that found us

sitting in the

beer cooler

of a bar

until 3:30 am

i woke up the

next morning and

finished some edits

before meeting up

with some of the

dudes for breakfast

at a small town restaurant.

(this is the kind of stuff that really makes me miss minnesota).

someone tried to

convince me i

had taken a longer

trip than

i actually had

we kept driving south,

heading toward

my friend’s dad’s house

for a weekend of

dude stuff.

we rode around in

a boat for

a bit

the rest of

the weekend went

pretty much like that,

but add to it

a poker game

with one of the

coolest 70 year

old guys i’ve

ever met and a

trip to a really

small town

for a wrestling match

that i really can’t

begin to describe.

our driver

made one final

stop that night

(at a bar with children’s play area, no less)

before driving us home.

the next morning

we were on

our way back to

minneapolis, but i

insisted that we

stop to visit a

long forgotten

bit of my childhood.

i spent sunday evening

with a

small portion of

my family, and finally

got a chance to

meet my cousin

josh’s new baby, isla.

the next day

i was on the plane

back to los angeles.

it’s so incredibly weird

to fly without madeline.

i really missed

the wrestling match

we always have when

it’s time for

her to get

buckled in when

the flight’s about

to take off.

brooke picked

me up at the airport

and we headed straight

to maddy’s daycare

to pick her up.

it was the best

greeting ever.

***

the next weekend

was father’s day,

and brooke and

maddy made sure it

was a great one.

they bought

me a new

grill, took me

our for breakfast,

let me spend

as much time in

amoeba as i wanted,

and posed for

photos with me.

(i can’t believe how much bigger she is now. here she is in the same spot on august 5, 2008 and january 9, 2009).

what an awesome day.

***

maddy has been

so incredibly fun

the last few weeks.

(she’s so helpful).

and now she has

a couple

of favorite songs.

in brooke’s car

she listens to the

beach boys and michael jackson,

and in my car

she has far better

options, and lately she’s

been really into

“blood bank” by bon iver,

and “bright lit blue sky” by ariel pink’s haunted graffiti.

in fact, she calls

for both by

name and even

sings along.

(so proud of this kid).

last weekend brooke’s

sister came out

to visit

and we made

sure she spent

a sufficient amount

of time at the beach.

we also made

a stop

at the pier

so that maddy

could have a

lot of fun.

first she had

to measure up

(i use to do this to liz all the time and she would get pissed…see?).

then she was

able to ride.

but before all

of this happened,

she took a direct hit

thanks to a

passing seagull.

i was freaking out

about the shit running

down her forehead, but

i couldn’t jump into

action to clean

her up because

brooke was carrying the

diaper bag.

i yelled for her,

and as she frantically

searched for the

wipes, i snapped

a couple of photos.

maddy is sure

to have a lot

of good luck now

(or so they say).

the next day we

went to maddy’s

favorite park

for a little fun.

we saw a

coyote walking a bit

too close to the place

and after he left

we made our way

to the playground.

***

a few days ago

maddy made my life.

***

this weekend

tom, candee and deb

are coming out to

los angeles to

spend the weekend

with us.

we’re all looking

forward to it

but what they don’t know

(because they’re on the way here)

is that maddy

got sick last night

and slept for only a

couple of hours.

i slept for one.

we should be fun.

i’ll have an update

about the weekend

no later than wednesday.

thanks for your

patience while i

work on this book.

the blog has

suffered as of late,

but i think it’s

made for a pretty

decent book.

finally,

stranger friend/photograper, abbie morrison has a great little blog and she asked me to write a little something for her, which i was honored to do.

check it out if you have a few extra minutes to kill

los angeles after

a couple of weeks

of travel.

we had to fly

back to minnesota for

for my friend nate’s wedding

so we made a

week of it.

the first saturday

was spent on the

golf course, in a backyard

and at a bowling alley

as we celebrated

nate’s bachelor party.

an awesome time

was had

by all, mostly

because we hadn’t

all been together since

my cousin josh’s

wedding reception in 2008.

brooke worked in

her old office

in st. paul and

maddy spent most of

the trip traveling

between the grandparents

while i was

stuck in a

hotel restaurant/bar

working on

finishing up my book.

i was able

to sneak out a

couple of times

to take some

photos around town.

i also took a break

to do a little

swimming with

maddy.

aj, sonja and emilia,

and maddy’s uncle

adam and auntie holly

brought her cousin

ava to join us.

it took maddy

a few minutes

to jump in,

but she eventutally

got changed and

into the pool.

it was a ton of

fun and a much

needed break for me.

saturday rolled around

and it was

time for the wedding.

it took place

at nate’s grandma’s

farm in wisconsin.

after nearly a full

week of rain and

shitty weather,

the skies cooperated.

lots of sunshine, few

clouds, and most importantly,

no rain.

we took a couple

of photos before the

show started

with his wife

in the crowd

and just one day

from her due date,

josh officiated the ceremony

(he got ordained on the internet in 2002 and has now performed three weddings, including my brother nick’s wedding in alaska a few years ago)

after a short

ceremony, josh

pronounced nate and stacey married,

and then it

was time to party.

aj was asked

if he was a

quarterback in high school

which drew a

laugh from everyone,

but no one laughed

louder than his wife.

after the

football game,

we jumped on the

tire swing

and relived our childhoods.

then it was time

for the reception…

into the barn

we went

where we had an

incredible meal

prepared by an

award-winning chef.

after dinner

we rushed out

to take a

few photos

while the sun

fell from the sky

after the sun set,

we headed back

to the barn for

the reception.

we had a couple

of drinks

which lead to this:

by 11:30 we were

all exhausted so

it was time

to go.

stayed in a hotel

in the town

of new richmond

where i talked

to the owner about kerala.

after a few

hours of sleep

we were up and

on the way to

the airport.

my mom and stepdad

met us there

with madeline

so we could fly

back to los angeles.

the plan was to

stay for a couple

of hours then

head to san francisco

later that evening,

but we had

to delay our trip

a couple of days

so i could do

some additional

work on my book.

since maddy has

been showing some of

the signs that

she’s ready to

get started,

we went out and

bought her a potty chair.

let the fun begin.

by tuesday night

we were in

san francisco to help

grandma candee and grandpa tom g.

celebrate auntie deb’s

law school graduation.

the first night

in town found us

eating an amazing

dinner prepared by deb

and her roommates.

just as last week,

maddy spent the

majority of the week

with her grandparents

and of course, her auntie deb.

i took a short break

to get some

fresh air

while maddy took

a sort nap.

the next day

we braved a bit

of rain

as we went

out for lunch.

the next day

maddy crossed the

road with a chicken

and auntie deb.

later in the week

we were joined

by brooke

and by

liz’s

cousin nichole and

her boyfriend rob.

brooke’s friend

kari and her kids

derek & mckenzie

met us where we

were staying.

they hung out

with me

for a bit,

but for some

reason found me

a bit boring,

so they headed to

the park

where maddy

and derek became

fast friends.

(i almost wish brooke hadn’t sent me that photo).

by saturday it was

time to head

to san mateo to

enjoy the maker faire

it was full of nerds

(i say that lovingly)

and as

tom pointed out,

he really felt

like he was with

his people.

i broke off from

the group and took

maddy to have some fun

we caught up

with everyone for lunch.

afterward, madeline played.

under a

rocket ship.

afterward, madeline

was exhausted so

while she

slept on grandma,

i did a little

shopping, picking up

a build-your-own

phonograph, gramophone and

vacuum-tube radio kits.

i will now

have something to

do when the book

is finished.

speaking of that book.

the writing is

now complete,

but that doesn’t mean

that i’m done.

now the bulk of

the editing begins,

which should

keep me busy for a

couple of weeks.

i guess i won’t

really consider this thing

done until

it’s on the shelves

(you can expect that to happen in march 2011).

that evening,

a great friend of

liz’s

stopped by with her son.

i hadn’t seen

chandra since she

was pregnant with quinn,

and i was

eager to

finally meet her

little man.

and so was madeline.

she helped him

remove his shoes

then everyone played.

after tons of fun

and tons of catching up,

grandpa demonstrated for maddy

something he used

to do when

liz

was her age.

soon enough it was

time for chandra

and quinn to

head home,

so of course maddy

helped him

get his shoes back on.

on sunday we

flew back to los angeles

and things have

been moving along

as they have been…

brooke at work,

maddy at daycare

and i was working

on some edits.

that is, until yesterday.

the day started off

normally, but

i got a call

from maddy’s daycare

saying that she hurt

her arm and that

she was crying.

i dropped everything

and made it

to north hollywood

faster than i

ever have

(thanks to some fast driving and some amazingly clear freeways).

when i got to the

place, maddy was

sitting quietly,

holding her arm

while listening

to one of the daycare

folks read to her.

as soon

as she saw me she

said, “daddy. arm hurt.”

then she said

something about oliver.

i don’t think

she was trying to

implicate him

in any sort of

malicious behavior…

i really think she

was calling his

name so he would

comfort her.

we drove home

where we met brooke.

she picked up

some non-recalled

pain medication.

then we all went to

the doctor

(but not maddy’s usual doctor).

i assumed it was

another case of nursemaid’s elbow

(she’d had that condition a few times now)

and if it was,

it would be an

easy fix.

in fact, last time

this happened, the doctor

showed me how to

fix the problem myself.

that said, i refuse to

try to do it.

i mean, i’m no

doctor and i’m afraid

that i’d do more

damage than good

so i’ve

determined that

the experts should

do the arm twisting.

maddy got checked

out and it didn’t

appear that it

was a case of nursemaid’s elbow

so we were sent to

the hospital up

the freeway for a

couple of x-rays.

as i got

maddy checked in,

she sat with brooke

and recited her

colors to the

woman seated next

to them, then

i heard a hospital

code over the loudspeaker.

fuck.

haven’t heard those

words in a little

over two years.

(i fucking hate hospitals).

maddy was brave

and sat still

through her x-rays

(i helped a little bit by holding her down).

the x-rays were negative,

so we went home

for a bite of

a cupcake

and a short nap.

she woke up

and it was obvious

that she was still

in a lot of pain.

we headed back to

the doctor

and this

time we saw maddy’s

usual doctor.

in fact, she stayed

late so that she

could see maddy personally.

after a quick exam,

she tried

the ol’ arm twist

thing, and on the

second shot,

she felt the

tell-tale pop.

brooke and i

both cried as

we heard maddy

cry, but our cries

were cries of relief,

because we knew

that after 6 hours

of pain,

maddy would soon

be feeling a

lot better.

to celebrate, we

went out and bought

maddy a big

yellow and black

dump truck.

then we took her

to play at

a playground and then

a ride on

a trolley.

maddy went to bed

with a smile.

and i was happy

that my little

girl was back

to normal.

——–

also, wanted to mention that we were featured on the cover of the los angeles times last sunday in a story about the rising rates of maternal mortality in the u.s.

you can read the article here.

as always, i’m happy that our story can be used to help bring more attention to this troubling trend.

and of course, if you want to help us help other families who’ve lost a parent, please consider donating to the liz logelin foundation.

considering i’ve been

missing in action the

past few weeks

(this book-writing stuff is fucking time consuming).

so…

here goes:

a few weeks ago

we had some visitors

in town.

mark, jeffra and mckenna

came down from fresno

for a little fun.

the girls

worked on expelling

some energy,

then they got to

go on a short

horsey ride.

then we took them

to a place

where the

horseys weren’t

real, but were

equally fun.

the next day maddy

got a push

in a toy

that i’ve since learned

has been recalled.

(luckily the handle didn’t come off of ours).

and the next day

we had a few

friends over

for some food and beer.

…….

one day while

picking maddy up

from daycare,

i learned that

she was capable of

pedaling a tricycle,

so we went right out

and bought one.

for some reason,

she was more interested

in doing this:

later she did some running.

maddy had been

talking the horseys

so much that

it was obvious

we had to go back

and visit them.

then it was time

for the playground.

and finally, the swings.

(she says this to me a lot).

…….

the next weekend

we were asked

to take part in

a portion of the

10 year reunion activities

at scripps college.

i hadn’t been

out there since

liz

graduated in 2000.

i knew it would

be a tough day for

me, but i also

knew that it would

be awesome for

maddy to see

her where her mom

went to college.

we made our way

out to claremont,

maddy singing me her

abc song

the entire way.

(i loved every second of it).

we arrived a

little earlier than

i expected, so we

got a chance to walk

around the campus a bit.

i walked maddy through

the gate i walked

through the first time

i ever came out

to claremont to visit

liz.

i held maddy’s hand

as we walked

along the sidewalk,

pointing out

the dorm her mom

lived in as

a first-year student.

we stopped briefly

so she could work

on her balancing act,

then we continued our tour.

i pointed to the

rooms in which

liz

spent her sophomore,

junior and senior years,

telling maddy about

the great times

we had there together.

soon it was time

for brunch.

we met up with

some familiar faces,

catching up

with those i hadn’t

spoken to in years,

and laughing with those

i see more often.

maddy rubbed strawberries

all over the fancy

dress she was wearing

for the occasion.

i just shook my head.

after brunch

we joined some of

liz’s

classmates for a

walk through the grass,

headed toward the

rose garden.

with maddy walking

ahead of me,

i continued the conversation

that we had

started earlier.

“maddy. your mom used to pick roses from this garden and put them in a vase before each visit*, as if i’d notice…”

i paused, then

finished the sentence.

“i guess i did.”

behind me i heard

a chuckle.

it was

liz’s

friend, aislinn

who happened to

overhear my conversation

with madeline.

i did my best

to hold back the tears

as i laughed about

what i’d just said.

maddy did what

her mom used to do

then did a

little running.

soon we were standing

near another

entrance to campus,

the one i used

most often when i

came out for a visit.

on the walls

near this entrance

are the names of the

graduates from years past.

with the help

of her classmates,

we were directed

to the wall where

liz’s

class wrote their names.

i immediately found

liz’s

name and pointed it

out to maddy.

we took some time

to get a photo

with the ladies

then continued

our walk through

the campus.

maddy wanted to

get her feet wet

so i let her do so.

she ended up with

some pom-poms

and she did her

own cheer.

still more walking

and finally a

stop at a koi pond

to watch the fish

and check out the flowers.

i bought maddy

a squirrel

and she immediately

had him climbing a tree.

it was a

great day

that would have

been a lot different

if things had

been different.

(last week we were in mn…more about that soon).

*(at least while they were in bloom…this wasn’t the time to explain to madeline that rose bushes must be cut back in late winter/early spring).

gets in the way

of the internet.

and there’s been

this other thing happening…

my book is due

to the publisher on

may 15th, which means

my words have been

going to

a different place.

so you can soon

expect more regular updates.

speaking of…

here’s an update

on maddy’s dr. visit.

i’ve said it before

and i’ll say it

again, one of my great

joys in life

is visiting with maddy’s dr.

she reassures me when

i need it most,

and can make

me believe that

i’m actually pretty

good at this parenting thing.

(even though i often feel the exact opposite way).

the appointment itself was awesome.

she answered all of

my questions without

laughing at me.

the measurements taken

by the nurse indicated

that madeline’s still growing,

which i suppose is

a testament to the

fact that

she’s been eating,

drinking and sleeping.

a lot.

this go ’round,

maddy was

25 pounds, 10 ounces

(35th percentile)

and 33 3/4 inches tall.

(45th percentile)

(which means she’s 57% of the way to liz’s adult height).

updated (and confusing) growth chart below:

it’s been awhile, but

someone actually

guessed both her

height and weight correctly

(and a lot of people were close).

congrats to christine k.

on the way to

her is some music

that should help her

with her running,

and a book that isn’t

about fire trucks

or curious george.

what else has been

going on?

well, lucky for us,

brooke was able to

move to los angeles,

thanks to a job transfer.

that means we all get

to spend a

lot more time together

even more important,

maddy gets her

nails polished a

lot more often.

we’ve had a few

visitors in town lately.

there was jen

and family, who drove up

from san diego

(after flying in from the mn)

to spend some time

with us.

maddy and her

boys formed a

band and played some music

while i made dinner

for everyone

(little known fact…i’m not a bad cook, i’ve just haven’t been too interested in cooking since liz died).

tiffany came up

from orange county

(after flying in from ohio),

and joined us for dinner.

tiffany is a blog

reader who is now

married to a widower,

and she reached out

to me after i

first wrote about brooke,

telling me she’d be

happy to talk to

her if she was interested.

she and brooke

have become fast internet

friends, and now

real life friends.

it’s always great

to talk to someone

who has been in a

similar situation,

and brooke needs

support as much as i do.

i paid a visit

to the woman

who delivered madeline.

i wanted to deliver

something important

to her,

so i stopped by

her office and

we had an incredible conversation.

she’s another person

who has been

amazing over the

past two years,

and i wanted to thank

her for everything

she has done.

i saw one of

my all-time favorite bands

(pavement)

play their first

north american show in

well over a decade.

was amazed to

think about the

last time they toured.

i was in high school

and too young

to get into the show.

and that night,

i arrived with my

friend, the bastard,

driving a car with

a car seat in it.

i also found two

hair clips in

my pocket.

i really felt

old all of a sudden.

photos?

here are a

few from the last

couple of weeks…

the griffith observatory:

at olvera street:

travel town:

at griffith park:

before daycare:

all dressed up:

i’ve been warned

by nearly every parent

that eventually

there would be a

language explosion

with my child.

and yeah, over the

past few weeks

my best girl has

been talking constantly

(she is so her mother).

but it’s been

so incredibly fun

to listen to her.

everyday she says

something that surprises me.

like a few weeks

ago when she said,

“go away, daddy”

while she was in

the bath tub.

needless to say,

but i did not

follow her instructions.

or when i cough,

she says, “it’s okay, daddy”

while patting me on

the back.

the other day we

played outside,

and i caught

madeline singing,

then prompted her

to do it again

while i had the

camera on.

then we talked about

our fears

and then we worked

together to

get over them.

and then she told me

what to do.

life with madeline

gets more exciting

and fun each and

every day.

i mean, it’s so

awesome that

we have full conversations.

she likes to tell me

all about what

happened at

daycare each day,

and is especially interested

in one boy in particular.

she’s also suddenly became a

voracious listener.

not so much to

my instructions

(she is two afterall),

but she will

sit patiently and

listen to me as i

read to her,

that is until the

book is finished.

she gets frantic when

she realizes one

is coming to an end,

and it’s not just

because she thinks she’s

going to bed,

because we don’t just read

at night.

sometimes we’ll read the

same book 10 times,

or we’ll read 15

different books.

either way, she

just can’t get enough.

don’t get me wrong,

she absolutely loves

her yo gabba gabba,

but lately it’s been

the books that

make her really happy.

and just when we

thought we’d be

staying home for

a bit, we’re heading

back to the mn in mid

may for a wedding, then

up to the sf to

celebrate auntie deb’s

graduation from law school.

in the mean time,

i’ll be working

my ass off

in order to meet

my final deadline.

let’s hope the

words keep coming.

needed break from

the internet,

we’re back.

where have we been?

well, we were in

the mn for a week,

paris for eight days,

then back to the mn

for eight days

before heading back to

our home

in los angeles.

it’s a great time to

be in this part of

the world,

what with our

jasmine bush, and

our grapefruit, lemon and orange trees,

in full bloom.

speaking of that

orange tree,

i’ve lived in this

house for over two years

now, and i’ve seen a

total of two oranges

on the thing.

just yesterday i was

in my backyard and

noticed that there

are 17 oranges

hanging from the branches.

i have no idea

what happened.

anyway, to the

task at hand…

today is the day

that madeline heads to

the dr. for her

two-year appointment

as always,

for the person(s) who

guess both her

height and weight

correctly, i’ll send

you a copy of my

current favorite book

and a cd version of

my current favorite album.

(sponsored by no one, fcc).

you have until saturday, april 10th at 12:01am (pacific time) to get your guesses in.

(for those of you who live in countries that use the metric system, please feel free to submit your guesses in metric units of measure…i will do the conversion for you).

here are some hints:

at her 18-month

appointment she weighed

23 pounds, 10 ounces (48th percentile)

and was

31 and 1/4 inches tall (48th percentile).

(53% of the way to liz’s adult height).

the chart below (is confusing to interpret and) shows her progression since birth:

and here are

a couple of photos

from yesterday

that will in no

way help you guess:

that the child

she bore seven

weeks before her due date

is as healthy

as you are.

she would not believe that

her child

talks as much as

she once did.

she would not believe

that her child

climbs everything she encounters.

she would not believe

how much you

resemble her

(in almost every way imaginable).

she would be proud of

what you’ve become.

she would be proud of

what i’ve become.

she would not

believe how far

we

have come.

and she would be

proud of this

…

as you slept the

other night,

i read a line

from this book i’ve

been reading…

“no one is truly dead, until they are no longer loved.”

sounds about right.

because there’s so much

love for

your mom,

now and forever.

and because of

our love for her,

we not only exist,

but so does

she.