a night in

a hotel we’d

been to once before,

just for tea

after a long

day of sightseeing,

but still a memory.

this time

we were actually

staying there.

maddy was a crying mess

when we arrived,

drooling and flailing,

turning the heads

of a giant group

of german tourists.

i recognized a

couple of them

from earlier today,

and realized that they

were part of the

same group of

people who watched

as maddy crawled

across the cold ground

of fatehpur sikri.

and i recognized

her behavior as

the telltale signs

of a teething baby.

couldn’t help but

think things

were going to be

disastrous over the next

few days…

we had a rather

tight schedule,

lots of places to

visit, things to

see, and trying to

do them with a

baby acting the way

madeline was

seemed about as

appealing as puncturing

my eardrums with

a pencil.

but the way that

maddy was screaming,

i figured i’d be

deaf soon

enough anyway.

we got checked in,

and had a nice

dinner during which

madeline was calm,

and for the

first time on

our trip,

she chose rachel’s

lap over mine.

the ladies went

to sleep,

while i caught up

with the family

via video chat,

then wrote until

it was almost time

for us to

start our day.

everyone was up

before sunrise,

and excited for the day.

even madeline,

though she

had no idea

what she was about

to see.

our guide and

our driver

were waiting

for us, and

as i shook the guide’s

hand, i remembered him.

at the same

time he reminded me

that we

had been with him before.

standing there,

just outside the

hotel, i had to tell

him about

liz.

figured that was

better than

him wondering all

day why i was here

with a

liz

clone and a

woman who quite obviously

wasn’t the woman he met

three years earlier.

a moment

i hadn’t anticipated.

we were in

the car for a

few minutes before

arriving at

the drop point.

from that spot

we took a pollution-free

vehicle up to

the gates.

(last time we took a camel)

the two previous

times i’d been here,

once with

liz,

and once with

my mom,

the lines were shorter

than it was that day.

but we were

there to

see the place

at sunrise.

and so was

everyone else in agra.

rachel’s line,

(yeah, one for women and one for men)

moved faster

than ours,

so she was

able to get

a couple of shots

of us getting frisked.

finding no

food items

or weapons on

madeline, they

allowed us in.

having the same

guide ensured that

we started off the

tour in the exact same

way the previous

tours had started

so instead

of listening

to him,

i walked with maddy,

letting her explore

the place.

soon it was

time to

go inside.

when i was here with

liz,

i can still

remember the way

she reacted when

she first saw

the place from here:

we kept walking,

pushing past hoards

of tourists

until we finally

made it inside.

the place is

pretty fucking magnificent

no matter what

time of day

you visit,

but sunrise makes the

building look

almost purple

(so get up early and take in the sunrise).

maddy seemed in

awe of place,

just like her

mom.

we kept pushing,

making it to the front

so our guide

could take a

few proper photos

before turning the

camera over to me.

after the photos

we moved on

to a less

busy part of

the place,

the guide picking up

where he left off

three years earlier.

again, rachel listened

intently while

i wandered with madeline.

the other awesome

thing about our

guide is that

he has us stop

for photos in

the exact same places

each time.

he didn’t have the

same motivations that

i did,

instead he just

has a script in

his head that

includes taking the

same touristy shots

no matter who

he’s with.

more walking,

more photographs.

then a seat

more photos

(my green shirt helps me blend in with the bushes).

then…

time for a

diaper change.

we stopped in

another spot,

the spot where

liz

heard the story,

and said the words

that have inspired

me to do what

i do everyday

(i’ll be discussing my visit here with liz in greater depth in my book).

rachel listened

to that same story

while i walked with

madeline.

i just couldn’t

listen to it.

not this time.

tired of walking,

she decided she

was ready

to go in the backpack,

but she drew

a crowd before i

could get her

on my back.

we kept moving.

maddy tried to

do something about

the pain she

felt in her mouth

while i remembered.

we got close

to the mausoleum

itself, and had

to put on

some shoe covers.

rachel has had

to do a lot

of things she

didn’t anticipate during

this trip,

but i may have

crossed a line with her

this time.

as always,

more photos

(comparing the old photos to the new ones makes me really happy i bought that wide-angle lens).

madeline loves a

lot of things in

this world.

one of her favorites

is screaming

(mostly with joy).

she especially loves

screaming in places

where she can

hear her screams echo.

as it turns out,

mausoleums are great

echo chambers,

but not the kind

of place where

children should be screaming.

so i rushed

us out of

the place

while rachel spent

some time with

our guide.

of course,

the screaming stopped

once we got outside,

and she wanted

out of the backpack.

we caught up with

rachel and our guide,

and let madeline

play for a while.

then a short rest

for me.

(i’m getting old).

we kept walking,

heading toward the mosque.

before we got

there, madeline stopped

to meet some friends.

we headed in

and did a

little exploring.

i went back outside

for a few more photos

(you can barely see us in the photos, but we’re there).

then i ordered

rachel to remove

my shoe covers.

somewhere along the

way, maddy passed

out in the backpack,

which made

for a great photo op.

then we made our

way to the

exit and headed

to the next place,

a place i visited

with my mom,

but not with

liz.

we drove through

the streets

of agra,

we arrived, but

before going inside

i had to snap

a few photos.

just inside the

gates of the place,

maddy did what

she’s been

doing during much

of the trip…

she enjoyed

the cold ground.

i stayed outside

with madeline.

while rachel walked

through the tomb with

our guide.

while they were

inside, madeline

got a little

too close to a

monkey and screamed

when it hissed

at her.

it was one of the

first times in

her life that

i’ve seen a genuine

look of terror

on her face.

she jumped into

my arms,

then yelled,

“rayel.”

so yeah,

we went looking

for rachel.

we played for

a bit,

(maddy successfully removed one of the hair ties)

then went inside

to check the

place out.

then for some

reason maddy pointed

toward the monkeys,

suggesting that we

go see them again.

not one to torture

my child,

i tried to

explain to her that

monkeys are mean,

but she didn’t

care, and insisted

we go see them.

this time

she stayed in

my arms,

and enjoyed watching

them swing from

tree-to-tree

and run around.

the guide went out

of his way to

demonstrate his child

rearing skills

and madeline demonstrated

that she likes

rachel more than me.

rachel snapped this

gem of a

photo on the way

out of the place.

back in the car,

we drove past

a religious procession.

after a little

shopping, we took

a short walk

around the town.

then it was back

in the car,

and off to our

last site of

the day.

we were here.

it was the same

day that we

visited fatehpur sikri,

and it was

hot as hell.

today, it was

hot, but nothing

like that day.

(tip…visit north india in the winter).

we took a

couple of photos

before heading inside.

maddy was excited

to be running on

her own

but soon wanted

to be back

in my arms

she met some friends

then got shy.

we made our way

into the next room

and some time

playing while

rachel and the guide

continued talking.

the exploring continued…

we stopped in

a spot where

she

once was.

this one was

tough for

me for some reason.

but soon

i was laughing

again as

i performed another

diaper change

in front of another

historical place.

we took a few

more photos

before leaving the place.

happiness.

relief.

nothing more to

see that day,

so we made our

way back to the hotel

for dinner.

maddy and rachel

went to bed

early, anticipating our

early morning car ride

the next day.

i stayed up

late again,

writing about

the memories that this

trip brought

back to life.

at 5:00

the next morning

we were back

in the car,

sleeping our

way toward delhi.

i woke in time

to take a

couple of photos.

6 hours after

leaving agra

we were on

a plane, flying

toward another

country and more memories.

1.5 hours later,

we’d touch down

in kathmandu, nepal,

the place where

i asked

liz

to marry me.

after almost a

month in the south

of india,

i decided that we

needed to take a

short trip up north

to see some

of things that

everyone should

see when visiting india.

besides, i had

to comply with

rachel’s thinly-veiled threat,

“i’m not coming to india and not seeing the taj mahal.”

no arm twisting

needed because i wanted

to take maddy up

there anyway,

so i made

plans for us to

go away for

ten days.

we headed to the

airport where maddy made a

couple of friends

during our 1.5 hour delay.

she then passed out

for the 3+ hour

flight to delhi,

madeline’s 26th

round-trip flight.

we spent one

night at a

hotel in delhi,

and early the next

morning we were

in the car

and on the road to jaipur.

i spent most

of the trip

shooting photos

through the window

while maddy alternated

between sleep

and trying to

wriggle out of

her car seat.

rachel and i

did our best

to distract her

by telling her to

look at the:

cows,

camels,

and elephants.

(and she used to think our commute to daycare in los angeles was exciting).

after dropping

our stuff off

at our hotel in jaipur,

we drove around

the city

and stopped at

a temple

and maddy slept in

the car, under the

watchful eye

of our driver, daniel.

we drove around

some more,

stopping for photographs

whenever we saw

something interesting.

maddy did a

little artwork

and a lot of shopping.

it was now

dark but none

of us were

tired so we asked

the driver to drop

us off in the

old part of jaipur

so that we could

wander around.

we met lots

of new friends

and of course,

did some more shopping.

just outside of

our hotel was the

floating palace,

which looked

really awesome at night.

and inside was

some live entertainment.

maddy and rachel

went to bed

and i spent

the rest of the evening

working on my book.

early the next

morning we were back

in the car

and on our

way to the amber fort

a place i’d visited

with my mom

back in 2006.

as we stood in

line for our ride,

maddy got really excited

watching the parade

of close to 100

elephants making their

way up

and down

the path to the fort.

we finally got

on the back

of our vehicle,

headed to the top

on elephant #40

maddy decided she’d

rather get back on

the elephant

than do some site-seeing.

she fought it

a little bit,

but i

i won the battle.

we walked with

our guide, learning

a lot about the place,

while taking in

all of the sites.

after insisting on

being carried around

for the first third

of the visit,

maddy decided

that she wanted

to walk around

on her own.

eventually i

had to revoke

her freedoms because

she didn’t use

them responsibly.

she was pretty pissed.

with madeline now

in the backpack,

we continued

our tour through

the fort

after our trip

to the fort, we drove

to the jantar mantar

astronomical and astrological observatory.

maddy once again

drew quite

a crowd.

we then wakled

across the street

to the city palace.

maddy slept most

of the way

through the trip

waking up in time

to see me purchase

the third greatest

painting of all-time.

we made a quick

stop at the hawa mahal

for a few photos.

after a short

nap for madeline,

we went out

for dinner,

during which madeline

decided that she

should be part

of the performance.

she was a lot

sleepy after

all the dancing

so we headed back

to the hotel

so the girls

could get

a little

sleep before leaving

for agra early

the next morning.

i spent the night,

once again,

trying to write

a book that

i hope

madeline will

someday be very

proud of.

the trip to

india has really helped

stir the emotions

that get the words flowing.

as far as our

10 day trip goes,

tonight marked the

end of the easy part.

the rest of the

trip would be

filled with memories of

liz.

no complaining on

my end.

i put myself

in this position.

but i didn’t

do this just for me.

i’m also doing this for

madeline.

(parts ii and iii coming when i get some time).

the taj mahal was

her playground.

and i couldn’t

have been more thrilled

to see the smile

on her face,

as she ran

around, screaming

for joy.

we

walked here,

in the same place

you now stand,

through a uttar pradeshian summer,

the two of

us,

hand-in-hand until

we could no longer.

still we walked

near one another,

separated by it,

yet kept close

because of it.

we learned about this

place, hearing how it

and a lack of water

drove them

from here.

we both understood

then, why otherwise

rational human beings

would leave behind

years of hard work and

forgo such beauty;

it was the same

reason we let go

of one another.

the wind

blowing in from

the desert,

bringing with it

that heat…

heat that feels

like a

hair dryer blowing in

your face while

you stand in

a sauna.

but today,

we, you and me,

we stand here.

summer is

over, and that heat,

that heat

is gone.

but i can still

feel it,

and it is

something i’ll revel

in until i can

no longer feel.

and you.

you feel her.

i’m sure of it,

because i can

see her in

you.

the smile on

your face,

the way you

hold my hand,

and the way you

let it go…

so walk where

we walked,

stand where

she stood

and together,

we will feel

something.

i’ve mentioned a few

times, some of

the reasons why

we’re here.

and though you

may be a little

too young to

remember everything

that you’re seeing

and doing,

this is still an

invaluable trip for

you.

you’re taking things in.

you’re learning.

you’re discovering.

and you’re here

with me.

in a place i

need to be,

helping me.

so yeah.

i guess you could

say that this

trip is mostly

for me,

your selfish father,

and that’s kinda true.

i needed this,

and i needed it

at this time,

and i needed

you.

but…

we will

come back here,

as often as

you want,

as you grow up,

when you can

take a break

from your busy

teenage and adult lives

(i don’t want to get in the way).

’cause there’s no

such thing as

a once in

a lifetime trip.

and that’s the

beauty of this.

we have the rest

of our lives

to visit and revisit,

and we’ll do it

so you can

feel what i feel,

so i can

feel what you feel.

so we.

so we can feel

what we felt,

before this

we existed.

that’s my pledge to

you.

so this trip?

what are we

doing? well, that’s

best summarized

by the words

of d.b.

“i remember her

and i remember him

i remember them

i remember then

i’m just rememberin’

i’m just rememberin’

just rememberin’

i’m just rememberin’”

so the other night

we to dinner at

your mom’s favorite

restaurant in bangalore.

a fancy vietnamese

place at an

even fancier hotel.

she

used to hang

out here

while she waited

for me to

finish my work day.

it was nice

to walk in

that night, and

see another reminder

of her…

her favorite flowers.

they were the

flowers she chose

for our wedding.

i can still

smell them

when i think

of that day.

and she used to

buy them from the

farmer’s market every week,

and bring them

home to make our

place look less

like a record store

and more like

a place someone

called home.

she loved the way

they looked,

and especially the

way they smelled.

and so did i.

funny thing is…

i am so damn

allergic to those flowers.

i dealt with

them, ’cause i knew

how much

she

loved them.

but believe me,

i complained about

them every chance

i got.

this was a

fun day.

you were tired,

and maybe just

a little unreasonable.

so i picked you

up and dropped

you into a

beanbag chair to

try to

make you laugh.

it worked.

you made me

do it like, 500 times.

so many times,

in fact,

that my back

started hurt.

that day reaffirmed

one thing…

you are a

lot of fun.

and that day

helped me

realize something else…

i am

an old,

old man.

i sit here,

where i write

each day,

at the end of the day,

waiting for

my best girl,

(with the help of her nanny),

to find her way

across town and

into my arms.

as i sit,

the sun, it disappears…

it doesn’t

so much as set

here as it gets

enveloped by

the smoke that seems

to rise from the

city at all times

of the day.

the mosquitoes are

on their way,

trying to find

a patch of exposed skin,

before the guy

in gray covers

the grounds in a

thick and lethal fog that

looks like the sky

above, but smells

infinitely worse.

i try to read

more writing from

a far better

writer, but even

his words can’t

keep my attention…

because i know

you’ll soon

be coming through

those doors.

up you go,

toward heights

unimagined 19 months ago.

you and me

both, kid.

a pretty cynical guy.

(just look at my t-shirt)

but for you

i do some

ridiculous shit.

i mean, look

at me in this photo.

you made me

put on that

hat, then when it

was time for a

photo, you took

your hat off,

leaving me to

look foolish

while you laughed

in my face.

glad to see

you also got your

mom’s sense of humor.