there was a full

week during which

we did almost

nothing but spend all

of our time together

before and after daycare/work,

trying to recover from

the trip to

the mn for thanksgiving.

didn’t go out

at night, except for

a couple of trips

to the record store.

during those evenings

home alone together,

maddy became

rather proficient at sticking

her tongue out

and spitting at me.

then at some point

she brought home

another cold, which knocked

both of us out

for almost a week.

on a friday night

grandpa tom l.

came out to

the los angeles

for a visit to do a little work around our house.

he removed a broken

garbage disposal and

replaced it with

a new one

(my birthday gift from the g. grandparents).

over the course of

a week he changed

my kitchen from this:

to this:

(he did a lot more work than these two photos would lead you to believe).

on a saturday, madeline

got her first haircut.

it was time,

’cause she was looking

a little too much

like her grandpas and

not enough like

a little girl.

she really seemed

to love it.

some of her mom’s

favorite moments were

spent sitting in that

chair, getting pampered.

on a sunday

grandpa tom l. watched

maddy while i had

a photography adventure

with gentle ben.

we met a bear,

found a place

for that bear to

get a little work done,

(this is los angeles, after all)

then we spent

a little time on

the 6th st. bridge.

that night

some creeps visited

us from the mn

and we joined

up with a few

more to have dinner

maddy fell in love

with christa’s husband

then spent a little

time entertaining the crowd.

later maddy demonstrated

her love of

making noise.

then she danced

with her favorite robot.

on a monday

creepy nancy and katie j.

kidnapped my child

and took her

to the gardens

in the san marino.

(lots of photos here and some more here thanks, nancy and katie j.!).

i worked at my

office and

my dad continued

working on my house.

on a tuesday we

had dinner with rhonda and

jonathan at the

indian restaurant in

the los feliz.

then we stopped in

a book store to

pick up a few books.

grandpa tom l. entertained

maddy with a book

about birds while i

did my shopping.

she loved it so

much that he bought

it and brought

it home for her.

on wednesday my

company laid some

people off.

a tough day for

everyone involved so

those of us who

remained treated those

who were laid

off to drinks

at the german restaurant

near my house.

maddy stayed with grandpa

tom l., who was

all too happy to be

able to spend

a little quality time

with her while

i was out.

on thursday i had

lunch with some

wonderful aussie

ladies at a restaurant

in the toluca lake.

later i picked

maddy up from daycare

and was handed this:

i said,

“ummm…these aren’t madeline’s bloomers.”

“uhhh…yes they are”

erica said.

“she has a dress with that same pattern, but i am sure there were no matching bloomers. these can’t be hers.”

i said.

and i know this ’cause

i can’t stand it

when there’s

no matching diaper cover

for a given outfit.

then erica told

me something that

made me feel like

a complete failure.

“well, when i picked her up this morning i felt a big lump in her back and couldn’t figure out what the heck was going on. that’s when i found the bloomers still attached inside the dress, via the plastic tag thing.”

i hung my head

in shame while

she and the other

daycare women

laughed at me.

on a friday i

went to work

but went home early

’cause i felt

like total shit.

maddy was over her

cold at this point

and wanted to play.

lucky for me

she could hang

in her bouncy thing

while i napped.

grandpa tom l.

continued his work

on my house

before his flight

that evening.

later that night

our friend lauren f.

arrived from the nyc.

we picked her up

from the airport

and had some

burgers before dropping

her off at

her hotel.

saturday we picked

lauren up and took

a trip up the

the malibu to take

in the beautiful scenery.

we stopped for lunch

at a place near the

water and madeline

spent a little time

on the lap of

a strange old man.

after lunch we

wandered around lauren’s

college campus.

she took photos while

i hung out in

the car with a crying

madeline.

then i stared at

the clouds as

we inched along

with the traffic on the 10.

the sun set

as we hit downtown

and eventually we

made it back

to the house.

george, elizabeth and

family came to take maddy

for the night

so we could

join some friends for

a night on

the town.

high school classmate

and all-around good

guy adam r. from the mn

arrived so he could

join us.

met up with some

jerks at the

pirate bar downtown.

gentle ben was

there with his very

patient wife.

he said something,

can’t remember now

what it was,

but it made me hang

my head in disbelief.

later i showed

juanito a text message

from the bastard,

that left him amazed.

eventually it was time

to go so

we headed to heather and

juanito’s place for

a visit to their rooftop.

we stared at downtown

then watched

the people on the

street below.

eventually the people

from the eastern and

central time zones

got tired so we said goodbye.

lauren got dropped off

in the pasadena and

adam r. slept on my couch.

oh…that reminds me.

i have been

sleeping in the bed

since our return

from the mn.

big accomplishment.

woke up early on

sunday, talked with

adam r. for a bit

then wished

him a good drive

to the anaheim.

i headed to the pasadena

to pick lauren up

for a day of photography.

picked maddy up

from george and

elizabeth’s house and headed

toward griffith park.

got there a little too

late to join amy and

greg for brunch, but we

got their right on

time for a

visit to the observatory.

got stopped by

three different people who

told me that my daughter

was cold and

needed socks.

i explained that she

had them on and

took them off

’cause her feet were hot.

(plus she loves to play with her toes).

they seemed skeptical

so i made them

touch her feet,

just to be sure.

(they all agreed that they were warm).

we wandered around

and took some photos

while madeline slept.

she woke up

when we went

inside to see the

big pendulum.

somehow i ended up here,

which made me

thing about how

things should have been.

went outside and

looked at these eyes

and the world almost

felt right again.

we continued walking

and eventually madeline

got restless so

i took her out

of the stroller and showed

her some things

up close.

she learned a little bit

about space

then she met einstein.

later we went

back outside and lauren

took a few photos for us.

(more photos taken by lauren here thanks, lauren!).

eventually it was time

to go.

on the way out

of the park we stopped

and introduced maddy

to the bear.

then she met

leif erickson.

that night we drove

lauren to the

airport and made it

to bed before 10:00.

a great couple of weeks.

i spent some time reading

this book.

page 61.

phil wrote something

that i often feel,

but said it better

than i ever could have:

“i guess it was foolish to come here with hopes that i’d somehow figure out how not to feel bad.”

i keep myself busy

doing all sorts of

fun things,

hoping not to

feel good,

but hoping

to not feel bad.

but then there’s maddy.

she fixes almost

all of it.

i’m lucky to

have her.

maybe i should

lend her to phil for

a few days?

(oh…and welcome to the readers coming from here and here).

***saturday***

these last 1.5 weeks

have been a real blur.

the strangeness of being

in this empty

house has not yet

gone away.

less than 24 hours

after arriving here

from the banff,

we were off again,

headed to the orange county.

adam, katie and dylan

picked us up and we

headed south to visit

our buds chris and monica.

dylan and madeline hung

out together

while 5 of us

had a great night,

laughing the entire time,

recounting tales of

liz

at work and not at work.

we stayed in the

orange county for

the night.

i learned that chris

sucks at beer pong.

i’m even worse.

adam is the champion.

***sunday***

hung out until

the late morning.

monica made heart-shaped waffles.

some of us ate them.

we said goodbye

then sat in traffic

until tuesday.

well, it seemed like

it was tuesday when

we finally got home.

hung out around the

house for a few

hours, napping our

way through the rest

of the afternoon.

in the evening we met up

with cara at amoeba

(madeline and i missed new release day last tuesday).

we didn’t find

any new releases worth buying,

but we did buy

some records that

sounded new to us.

ran into my favorite

amoeba employee, who

takes such great interest

in how we both are doing

(she’s amazing…a hipster/record store employee that doesn’t hate babies!).

later we had

dinner with cara

at a mexican restaurant

in the hollywood.

maddy and i went home

and went to bed early.

***monday***

we celebrated birthday

week 21/52 by not

doing anything.

it was great.

***tuesday***

stupid tuesday.

had lunch with anya.

driving to the atwater

village, i looked down at

liz’s

odometer.

her lucky number.

i was with her over

12 years and had no

idea she had a lucky

number until she landed

in the hospital

on bed rest.

one night in that hospital room,

anya sitting with us,

she pointed out

all the 7s

that were in her life.

then she found out

she was in room #7.

she thought that

was a good

sign for madeline.

after giving birth,

she was moved to a

different room.

not 7, 17, or 27.

something else.

it doesn’t matter.

by then her fears had

subsided a bit.

madeline was out

and doing well.

i hadn’t thought

of our lucky number

discussion until i was in

liz’s

car with anya and madeline.

when i saw the odometer,

i yelled something

and pulled over.

i think anya was

worried about me.

then i pointed to the odometer.

she said something

that i’ve since forgotten.

i took a photo,

then continued driving.

we had a great lunch,

then later i stopped by

the bank.

picked up a few

more packages from strangers friends.

then we went to amoeba

again and picked up

a couple of new releases.

the rest of the day

was quiet and boring.

i hate tuesdays.

***wednesday***

got a call in the morning

telling me that it

was time

to pick up my car.

i dropped madeline in

her stroller

and we walked through

the glendale,

past a phone that

that must have

delivered some bad news

.

we got to the

auto body shop to find

my car looking better

than ever,

and washed for the first time

in 11 months.

thank you, hit-and-run driver.

back in business.

i felt a little

better knowing that

liz’s

car and a whole

lot of sadness

would be parked,

but parked in

their usual spot

just outside my picture window.

now it was time for

an adventure.

i packed up madeline and

the robot and headed to

the van nuys to have dinner

with two very rad

strangers friends who

have been a significant

source of laughter

and support…

lindsay d. from the mpls.

(mother of carter the robot-drawing wonder kid)

and k8 from the northridge.

we decided that we should

meet up for some food.

we arrived at the same time

and walked from the

parking lot talking

like old friends.

we sat inside waiting

for lindsay d. to arrive,

both having a beer.

the waitress let us know

that someone called in

and paid for the round.

but who was it?

k8 solved the mystery.

it was christa from the valencia.

fucking rad.

love when people pay for

drinks from a remote location.

learned that lindsay d.

wasn’t going to be

able to make it,

so we carried on without

her, ordering some food

and continuing to talk.

after dinner it was

to the parking lot where

k8 met the love of

her life.

it was awesome to finally

meet k8 but

i must say that she

got a little handsy

with my robot.

madeline and i went home

and went to bed early,

exhausted from a

long, long day.

***thursday***

went to the anaheim

to see the twins

play the angels

for madeline’s fourth

mlb game in her

fourth different stadium.

picked up auntie angel fan

and her friend missi

and headed to the stadium.

i talked shit to the

angel fans in the car,

letting them know that

madeline’s team has won

every game for which

she’s been present.

auntie angel fan scoffed.

i bet her $5 that madeline’s

magic would continue.

we got to the

stadium and took some photos.

then we got inside

and got accosted by

some team employees handing out

the enemy’s colors.

we had a fancy dinner

(no hotdogs for these fancy ladies)

and then made our way

to our seats.

auntie angel fan

scored us some awesome seats…

5th row behind the twins dugout.

her brother the angel fan

was waiting for us.

now i’m feeling a

little outnumbered.

got some great photos

of the action

while madeline talked her

own shit.

i looked over at my baby…

she looked like she

had the spins…

i think

i know what’s about

to happen.

then she did what i

hoped she’d do…

she spit up all over

auntie angel fan’s

angels jersey.

so awesome.

if you recall, she did the

same thing last time

auntie angel fan was wearing

that jersey.

the funny thing is, madeline

doesn’t spit up all

that often.

hmmm…

after that,

madeline was very happy.

later, auntie angel fan

whisked her away

changing madeline out

of her twins onesie,

obviously hoping to

kill the luck maddy

brings to her team.

i don’t think it’s

gonna work.

i fed madeline

then, with the game

tied 1-1, auntie angel fan

pulled another dirty trick…

it didn’t work.

the twins one the

game in the 12th inning.

so, so awesome.

madeline’s now 4 for 4 and

someone owes me $5.

after the game we

took a few photos,

then walked toward the

exit.

i realized at some

point that i

left my new lens

in the cupholder

of my seat.

shit.

it has to be gone.

i ran back to my seat

and sure enough,

it was.

then i heard a guy

yelling,

“hey!”

i looked up and he

was holding my lens.

i ran up the stairs and

he handed it to me.

i said thanks,

he said,

“no problem…i don’t think you want to leave this one behind.”

no doubt about it.

nice to run into

another nice human.

caught up with the ladies

and walked out to the car.

opened up the

trunk to get something

and saw the robot staring at me.

decided that we should

do a quick photo shoot

as we waited for the

parking lot to clear out.

dropped the fans

of the losing team

off at diane’s condo

and drove home.

a great night,

a night that

liz

would have loved.

family and friends

at the baseball stadium.

so happy we’re

doing these things,

and that we have

good friends

with whom we

can share them.

***friday***

got a visit

strangers friends

jeanine from the co

and her kids

stopped by on their

way to visit some family.

they brought a

ton of gifts

for madeline

and of course

spent a little time

with the robot.

after they left

i spent the daylight hours

hanging out with madeline

while she was awake

and working on my

photo book while she

was asleep.

in the evening we caught

up with bob and anna

for a little dinner

at the soul food restaurant

in the eagle rock.

ran into another

coworker and his wife

who have a baby.

promised them that

we’d catch up soon

and that i’d shoot them

the info for the parent’s group

i hang with on tuesdays.

went home after dinner

and looked

through all the photos

i’ve taken over the past 3 years.

stayed up until 6:00am

sorting through memories.

then i thought about

anniversary #2.

i still can’t remember what

the fuck we did

when i lost

liz

i lost my

back-up memory.

it fucking sucks.

i need to catch

myself up.

not for anyone, just for me.

hard living in the

past. the current is

where i need to be

(or at least only one or two days in the past).

remarkable things have

happened over the past few days.

(more on that later).

thursday, july 3rd.

madeline got a bath

and a fancy outfit

for her trip to the sf.

excited for the trip,

but sad that

liz

isn’t going to be with us.

we had been there

once before,

a few years ago.

had an amazing time.

it will be hard

to be happy without

her.

i placed madeline in the sling

made for a newborn.

she seemed comfortable,

but she’s getting a

little big so i

brought along the babyhawk,

just in case.

we had a relatively uneventful

flight, madeline crying

for a short time.

no one seemed to

care. she still

has that cute, newborn

baby cry.

sat next to a woman

who asked the momma

question. surprised her

with my answer

(no surprise there).

she complimented

me for stepping up.

thanks.

landed in the sf.

and realized that i’d

forgotten a critical

piece of madeline’s bottle,

the piece that creates a seal.

i got soaked by the

formula as i shook the bottle.

trying to feed her

would be impossible,

the formula would pour

all over her.

fuck.

(there goes that father of the year award).

she’s going to have to

wait until we get to

awesome auntie deb’s place.

she passed out

as soon as she landed

in the carseat in the

back seat of the rental car

so everything was okay.

arrived at our destination

rather quickly and hooked

madeline up with

her bottle of white.

after getting a tour of

awesome auntie deb’s apartment,

we went to dinner

at a restaurant

in her neighborhood.

later, the g. grandparents

watched madeline so

deb and i could meet

auntie angel fan and her friends

for a drink or two.

then the bastard showed up

and we listened to his

tales of life

on the road with some frogs.

after a couple of hours

we headed home, ready

for a nap.

friday, july 4th.

the next morning we got up

and walked around

awesome auntie deb’s neighborhood,

then headed back to her

place to get ready

for madeline’s trip

to at&t park

to see her national league

team take on their

enemies.

third baseball game,

third stadium.

(liz would be so proud).

madeline immediately felt

at home,

meeting some fellow dodger

fans outside the stadium.

headed inside

and enjoyed some outdoor baseball

in some great seats.

met up with

stranger friend, karyn

who brought her sister

to the game.

they came down

to meet madeline and

ended up sitting

with us the rest

of the game.

i fed and changed madeline

(no troughs in the bathroom at this park).

the grandparents and deb

got to hold madeline

deb got bored

(or tired).

had a great time,

and madeline’s team

won again

(3 for 3 now).

after the game we

headed back to

deb’s place

on the muni.

later that night,

we met auntie chandra

for dinner.

too many tears in

my eyes.

after sharing

stories and memories of

liz.

felt good to talk about

her.

went back to

awesome auntie deb’s place,

went to bed pretty early.

too tired.

saturday, july 5th.

woke up to the

news that my grandpa,

my mom’s dad

died today.

a great man,

a great life.

87 years.

now this.

got a chance to see

him one last time

on my last

trip to the mn.

he met madeline,

and some of his grandkids

got to have a little

scotch with the man

who always had

a story to share.

we’ll all miss him.

the g. grandparents

knew i was upset,

they suggested we go

to amoeba in the sf

for a little therapy.

madeline helped

me shop, though i’m

not sure she liked

my choices.

after amoeba we

walked up the street,

laughing as i photographed

a guy wiping his dog’s ass

kept walking and found

a store that required

a visit.

bought nothing,

but found a way to smile.

later, madeline got hungry

and was fed

by grandma candee

in the back seat of

our parked car.

i stood in the middle

of the street,

taking some photos.

after madeline burped,

we across a very foggy

golden gate bridge,

stopping long enough

to take a few photos.

then we went to sausalito

for a little sea side lunch.

finished lunch

and headed back across

a not so foggy

golden gate bridge

to deb’s apartment

to get ready for

madeline’s first wine

and cheese party.

everyone was there,

lots of deb’s friends,

new friend karyn,

old friend kate

(who brought her friend christian),

the bastard,

and stranger friend (and photographer)

pam b.

pam took some photos

of madeline, who

decided that she needed

a bit more rest

before joining her guests.

when she finally emerged,

madeline moved from person

to person with

the kind of ease

the makes her my

favorite baby of all-time.

meeting deb’s friends was

really cool,

meeting pam was awesome,

and hanging out with

other friends

both new and old was

exactly what i needed

to keep my mind

off of everything.

the party ended

and the g. grandparents

offered to once again

watch madeline while

i went out

for a little daddy time.

six of us headed to

a bar of deb’s choosing

and we had

a great time.

i met lots of new

friends at the bar

and smiled a lot

(a byproduct of the wine).

while hanging out with

the the five folks

who came here with me.

headed back to deb’s

a little later

than i expected,

finding madeline asleep in

the awake arms of

the g. grandparents.

said goodbye to them

and went to sleep

long enough

for madeline to get

hungry again.

sunday, july 6th.

woke up with madeline

after what seemed

like 15 minutes,

and gave her a bottle,

smiling at her

the whole time.

(now one of the remarkables)

it’s then that i realized

that madeline’s becoming

more and more vocal,

making noises

i’ve never heard from

her.

spending so much time

alone with her

has given me the

ability to learn

more than i could

have ever imagined

about how madeline

communicates with the

people around her.

these little noises,

they’re exciting.

not long after

we decided to take

madeline for a little

walk to a park

near the home

of awesome auntie deb,

(another remarkable)…

madeline is holding

her head up!

not completely, but it

stays up way longer

than it ever has before.

this, combined with

the fact that

she barely fits

into her little girl sling,

i realized it was

time for a sling built

for a bigger girl

who wants

to stare at something

other than her father

we walked up the street

and found a shady spot

in the park.

a couple of deb’s

friends stopped by

to see madeline

grow a palm tree

from her head,

while daddy hiked

up the hill to take some

shots of the city.

later, we headed back to

awesome auntie deb’s place,

madeline’s oversized sun hat

blowing off of her head

with each gust

of wind.

madeline, deb and i took

a little nap before

packing up, saying goodbye

and heading for the airport.

madeline slept

almost the entire way

made it to our

gate with plenty of

time to spare thanks

to a delayed aircraft.

hung out with madeline on

my lap, moving from sleeping

to waking

to fully awake

as the folks

around her commented on

her beauty.

and then it happened.

(another remarkable)

she laughed at me.

a true, audible laugh

combined with one

of the cutest smiles

i’ve ever seen.

an exciting moment

for me,

but i know its

one of a billion

moments i know

liz

will never witness,

one of a billion moments

i’ll get excited

about all by myself.

at least this time

i had

liz’s

parents with me to enjoy

the moment.

got on the plane,

madeline deciding that

all that smiling

and laughing

should be followed

by a shitload of crying

and screaming.

the people nearby gave this

single dad lots of

advice, apparently thinking

that i’d be able

to control they noise.

no choice.

madeline straight hated this flight.

good thing it was only

an hour-long.

we landed and madeline

went silent.

perfect timing.

picked up our luggage

and our car,

seeing that weird looking

looking blond lady from tmz tv

(you know who i’m talkng about).

dropped the g grandparents

off at their hotel

and headed back to our

empty house

for a well-deserved

night of sleep

monday, july 7th.

happy 15/52 week birthday, madeline!

woke up early

and picked up the g. grandparents

from their hotel,

dropped them off at

the house before

heading to the doctor

(for me this time).

learned that the stress

will keep me out of

work for at least

another 4-6 weeks.

went back to the house

to hang with the grandparents

before they head

back to the mn.

had lots of plans, but ultimately

i convinced them

to hang out on the couch

with us before heading to lunch.

had a great lunch then

went to the lax

to send the family home.

madeline and i went home

and rested

the rest of the day.

j. wu visited

with some burgers

and gift from a coworker

and i later fell asleep

on the couch

with my favorite daughter.

moved slowly

around the house.

think i got too much

sleep last night.

knew that i had a dr.

appointment today,

didn’t know what time.

after 10 minutes and

some investigation

i learned that i had

to be there at 8:00am.

shit.

this should be fun.

have to get madeline changed

(diaper and clothes)

and will have to feed

her at the dr’s office.

oh.

and i still have to drive

over to the burbank

in morning traffic.

what would have

seemed impossible to me

just two months ago,

was just the opposite.

made it there two minutes

early and was able

to feed madeline

before my name was called.

i’m super awesome.

the nurses marveled at

my beautiful baby.

i smiled.

dr. checked out my leg,

everything looks good.

said goodbye to ladies

and headed home.

got a text message from

liz’s

friend, ivette.

she wanted to stop by to

see madeline.

we’ve got nothing to do,

and a visitor is always

welcome.

she arrived and held

madeline for most of the

early afternoon.

i, of course, took photos.

later ivette left and

liz’s

friend diane arrived so

we could go to

the dodgers game.

(madeline better like baseball as much as her mom did).

we took off for the stadium

and picked up our

tickets at will-call.

liz’s

friend stacey c.

used some of her seemingly

endless connections to hook

us up with the tickets.

(thank you, thank you, thank you).

posed for some

photos outside the stadium,

(just look at madeline in her dodgers outfit…)

diane taking the photos,

loaded down with my

camera bag and baby equipment.

hilarious to me,

but i got some

curious looks from those

walking past.

walked into the stadium

for the first time

in awhile.

haven’t been here since last year

when i saw a game with

liz.

she loved this place.

we had season tickets

here for four years.

and this wasn’t my

choice alone.

liz

insisted on season tickets.

i’m not usually the

rational one

(especially in matters of pissing away money)

so when i, a huge fan

of the game,

had to tell my wife

that it wasn’t a

good idea to buy season

tickets the same

year we bought a house,

i had to question

my sanity.

and i think she was mad

at me for a few days

(not robot mad, but just sort of mad).

as she hung out in the

hospital on bed rest,

right before madeline arrived,

liz

religiously watched spring

training games.

dodgers, twins were her preference,

but she’d watch any team play.

she asked me

to go get her a scorecard

so she could score the games.

(i don’t even remember how to score games, but liz could do it well and fucking loved it).

it would have made her

time in the hospital

less not-awesome.

i never got a chance

to pick up those

scorecards.

and as she watched

those spring training games,

liz

insisted that we

get season tickets

for the 2008 season,

so we could ensure that madeline

would become a life-long baseball fan.

and once again

i had to tell her

that it wasn’t a

wise idea to get season

tickets this year ’cause

there’s no way we’d be

able to fully utilize

them with a new baby

in our house.

she just rolled her

eyes at me.

liz

would be so happy that

madeline has been to

two games already,

and even happier that

she’ll be going to her third

game, her third stadium

on july 4th

up in the sf.

we found our seats

and sat down.

madeline instantly

spit up on me.

i think she really spit up

because they

were announcing the angels lineup

(take that, diane!)

we had a ton of fun

watching the los angeles dodgers of los angeles

kick the crap

out of the los angeles angels of anaheim

(such a stupid, stupid name…take that, diane!)

we ate all the stadium classics

and took in a beautiful night.

with a dodgers win.

(and an angel’s loss).

(take that, diane!).

after the game,

madeline got a bottle

and a diaper change

as we waited for the

crowd and the traffic

to dissipate

(no diaper-changing thing in the men’s room near my section, so no photos of the troughs at dodger stadium).

we finally got kicked

out of the stadium

and wandered to the car.

made it home quickly,

sent the angels fan

on her way

and fell asleep

on the couch,

madeline

on my chest.

a great day.

tomorrow will be

even better.