maddy sneezed

an entire mouthful of

strawberry yogurt

at me.

i said, “shit” outloud.

then i remembered

that she’s trying

to mimic my words.

like on thursday

night i said, “goodnight”

and she said something

that sounded like, “nye”

or like saturday

when i pointed

at a barking dog

and told her

what it was,

she said something

that sounded like, “dah.”

so as she sat

in her highchair,

i pointed at

the yogurt splatters

and said, “spit.”

nothing.

then (without pointing to anthing)

i said, “bass” (like the fish)

nothing.

then i said, “duck”

still nothing.

the good news is

that she is not

catching on all

that quickly.

but i’ll keep

practicing with

her, cause as

soon as she can

get the rhymes,

she can get

the real swear words.

that said, i resolve

to be a bit

more careful

the next time

we’re in the car

or the next

time she spits

yogurt at me.

ok.

last weeks we

had a few visitors

in town.

we hung out with

our friends, henry,

sara and thor.

among other things,

we spent a little

time in our yard

(sara is somewhere else in this photo).

and we went to

an awesome indoor

play area in silver lake.

on thursday i took

my imac in

to get the screen repaired

(lovely thin, blue line running down the center of the screen. thankfully the thing is still under warranty).

put maddy in

the frame backpack

i bought a few months

ago so i’d have

a free hand or two to

carry the 6000 pound

computer through the mall

and into the apple store.

met blog reader, liz, who

helped keep maddy

entertained as i

talked to one

of the sales people.

(thank you).

…

i’ve been obsessed

with this song

for the last two weeks.

…

had breakfast

with my friend, andrea

on saturday.

then i went home

and maddy

took an epic nap

while i cleaned my

car and installed

maddy’s new car seat.

(thanks to the people at orbit for the car seat, base, and stroller and thanks to phoebe r. for arranging this surprise).

i transferred a few

things from the car

to the garage until

i can drop them

off for donation

(extra strollers, very gently used car seat).

i fucking hate going

into my garage.

i avoid it like

most people avoid

root canals.

every time i step inside

i’m assaulted by

some new,

long-forgotten

object that elicits

the kind of longing

i shouldn’t have

at this point

in my life.

fuck.

figured i may as

well try once

again to find our

book of wedding photos.

i’ve been searching

for this thing

off and on

for about 13

months now.

i dug through a couple

of boxes without

finding what i wanted.

stuck my fingers

through the handle holes

of one of the

white banker’s boxes

that hold a lot

of our shit.

i felt something soft…

i tore the top

off of the box

and inside

i found the

black pashmina

she

wore when it

was cold.

immediate thought was,

“why is this out here?”

then i realized

i had accidentally

opened up a

box that had come from

liz’s

office, packed up and

delivered to me

months ago by

her friend and corworker, elizabeth.

everything else

was individually wrapped up

in white paper with

indiscernible words

written with a variety of

colored markers.

i picked up one

of the things

to see what was

written on the paper.

perhaps a note to me

from her coworkers?

i got the object

half way unwrapped

and found that

the wrapping paper

was just a piece of paper

torn from one of

those easels seen in

nearly every corporate

meeting room…

and on it was

the writing of some

executive probably trying in

vain to increase

profits for the company.

i didn’t take the

time to read it all.

i just returned the item

and closed the box.

and started crying.

…

i opened another

box and then another.

opened probably 12 boxes

before i found the

one i needed.

there it was.

the long, black

box that holds

an afternoon and night

full of memories,

a book that i should

be flipping through with

her.

instead, i grabbed it

and blew the dust

from it.

inside the box were

other things from

the past.

a few more photos

in frames,

photos i didn’t take,

from a time before

i had a camera.

a photo of

us

at my college graduation.

and the photo that

liz

took of nate, wallace and me

frolicking on the

island of corsica

while traveling through

europe in 1999.

and that photo of

us

riding the donkey

on olvera street.

so there they

were, laying in the grass,

the photos of

some of the happiest moments

of my life.

of our lives.

i cried some more

before heading inside

to check on

maddy.

there she was,

sitting up in her

crib, smiling away.

we spent the next

few hours playing

with a couple

of cardboard boxes.

just what i needed.

…

back to yesterday.

after the rhyming test,

our friends mckenna, jeffra and mark

stopped by for

a visit.

maddy and mckenna got

awfully friendly with

one another

while the parents talked.

eventually it was time

to get our kids

changed into

their pajamas for

sophie’s cookie monster

pajama party.

we drove to the

playroom on ventura

and had a great time

with a bunch

of familiar and

unfamiliar faces.

maddy, bella and mckenna

played in the

ball pit:

maddy and bella did

a little standing and playing

and maddy got to ride

some weird horse thing

then gave him

a kiss.

everyone had an

amazing time.

(just look how happy maddy was).

we said goodbye

to some,

then had mark, jeffra and mckenna

over for a little

thai food.

by 10:30pm they were

out the door

and i was left

with a quiet house.

…

been getting some

good photos of maddy

before we head

off to work

and daycare each day…

monday:

tuesday:

wednesday:

thursday:

friday:

and the weekend..

saturday:

sunday:

…

two quick notes.

1. i’ll be in my home state with my best girl from this thursday to monday. what are you doing on sunday, june 21st? do you live in or near the mn? would you like to come to maddy’s second annual pool party? if so, drop me a line at mattandmaddy (at) gmail (dot) com with the word, “party” in the subject line and i’ll send you the details.

2. i’ll have a sorta big announcement for you either later today or early tomorrow.

promise.

after our trip to

hawaii we flew

to cincinnati.

it was our

longest flight together,

and it was

a red-eye…

disaster?

hardly.

my kid slept nearly

the entire way.

i think our heads

were a little fucked

up when we

arrived, what with

a 5-hour time

change and all.

we were in town

as guests of

the p&g corporation,

and more specifically, pampers.

i got the invite

a while back,

asking us to fly

out for a tour of

their headquarters and

to learn more

about diapers.

they even offered

to fly someone out

to keep an eye

on madeline while

i was busy.

awesome. sounds great.

but really, i had no

idea what to expect.

i was one of a

whole bunch of

bloggers chosen to

attend the event.

but why me?

i have no idea.

anyway, as always,

i just say yes

to (almost) everything

and see what happens.

luckily i don’t

get burned

very often.

this was no exception.

when we got

to the hotel,

i learned that

i was the only

male mommy blogger

at the event.

awesome. me and a

bunch of moms.

nothing new, i suppose.

i chose to have

my mom (grandma broccoli)

fly out to be maddy’s

nanny for the

two days of

our trip.

she arrived a few

hours after we did,

and spent the

night at dinner with

madeline and the

family of another blogger

while i

attended a meet

and greet, and dined

with all of my

new friends at the

home of a pampers exec.

it was pretty rad.

what was radder,

is that after dinner

and a lot of talking,

i convinced a few

of the ladies to

have a drink (or three)

with me in

the hotel bar.

why not, right?

i mean, our children

were either at

home or safely

tucked away in

our hotel rooms…

(with supervision, of course).

we must take

this opportunity

for a little adult time.

so we did.

i basically was

made fun of by

melissa, emily, susan and asha

for what seemed

like days, but

was actually only

a few hours.

it’s okay though,

’cause they’re kinda funny.

after saying goodbye

to my new friends,

i went to my room

and got something

i haven’t gotten

in months…a

night of uninterrupted sleep,

thanks to the fact

that madeline stayed

in my mom’s room.

so great.

the next morning

i was up bright

and early and

on a bus with

all of these mommy

bloggers again.

we arrived,

and spent the

morning hanging out

in a conference room

with a bunch

of pampers employees.

sounds like fun, right?

well, it actually

kind of was.

we learned a lot

about the company

and it’s commitment

to helping kids all

over the world,

specifically via the

one pack = one vaccine

campaign and other programs.

we watched as

teams of two people

hand assembled a diaper,

piece by piece,

to be used in

various tests.

in that room, we

all had to wear

goggles and a hair net.

and our tour

guide said something

to me about having

to wear a beard net.

i thought he was joking.

as it turns out,

he wasn’t.

in one of the

diaper testing rooms,

we got to watch

as they poured

blue liquid into

diaper after diaper

to show us which

one kept baby’s

ass the driest.

take a guess

which one won?

the thing is,

they didn’t really

have to sell me on this.

through a little

over a year of

thorough testing,

i have come to

find that their

products work

best for madeline.

(which is great, because they gave madeline a life-time supply of diapers when we appeared on rachael ray).

in another demonstration,

one of the

pampers employees

let it slip that

you can still flush

parts of the diaper

(disclaimer…this can apparently only be done in certain places, for instance, places with good plumbing).

i’ve yet to try it,

but i may get desperate

as it gets hotter

here in los angeles.

i spent a lot of time

trading direct

messages via twitter

with my new bff, melissa,

and laughing as

emily sniffed diapers.

but really, we were

there to help pampers

understand the world

of blogging and social marketing.

now i know why

i am here.

i didn’t contribute

too much, but

i’m pretty sure

my presence was felt…

the night before,

and during the

morning session, i

noticed a lot of

talk about moms…

“moms and kids” this,

“moms and babies” that.

some of the presenters

would nod my way,

obviously remembering that

there was a dad

in the room.

but dads were

always an after thought

in these discussions.

by the afternoon,

that had all changed.

hmmm…i wondered why that was?

later i got an explanation.

i was taken aside

by one of the execs,

who told me

that she was not

happy about the

fact that dads were

left out of the discussion,

and she had a

little talk with

her people.

i told her that i

didn’t really mind,

and truthfully,

i didn’t.

i mean, shit…

i can’t really complain.

this happens to women

all of the time…

(often times when i mention maddy’s doctor, i get the question, “is he any good” and i have to say, “yes, she is amazing.”).

but i explained

that it’s not really

about being me

being offended,

it’s about the company

missing an entire

segment of the

diaper-buying market.

i told them that

many dads, in positions

far enviable to mine,

actually buy diapers,

so you better start

advertising to them

before your competitors do.

the exec already

knew this, and

she knew that she

had to get her

people to understand the same.

so…what were

madeline and grandma

broccoli doing during

our corporate indoctrination session blogger event?

they went to

the aquarium in cincinnati.

all-in-all a nice event,

though if they’re

going to have dads

at future events,

they may want to

find some more

man-appropriate t-shirts:

and i have to say

that it was pretty

cool to be around

all of these famous

mommy bloggers.

that night i had

dinner with my

mom and maddy,

then watched as

the wind nearly stole

my daughter from me.

the next day we

were on a flight

back to los angeles.

april 25th & 26th.

this weekend

we got to spend

a little time with

a new friend

and her family.

andrea’s husband passed

away late last year.

we connected

via my blog and she

let me know she

was coming out to

visit her brother and

his family.

we caught up

a couple of times…

on saturday

i went out and

bought a new accessory

for my daughter

and we did a little

hiking around

griffith park.

we stopped to admire

some graffiti

then we played

in the sand,

on the playground,

and in the swings.

and i have nothing

interesting to say

about this next photo…

i just love it.

on sunday we went

down to disneyland.

this was maddy’s second

trip to the place,

but it was her first

as an alert

human being.

well, sort of.

she spent most of

the day completely

passed out.

in between naps,

she actually had

a little bit of fun.

a lovely weekend

with new friends.

can’t ask for much more.

may 2nd – 4th.

our buds, chrissy and jd,

and her brother, brian,

were in town for

chrissy’s reading and book signing.

on saturday we

met up in venice beach,

where we heeded

a warning

and nearly got

swept up in

a sand storm.

after a little bit

of play time, we

decided to take a

trip down to

long beach to visit

the aquarium.

we called up

our friends, jayneoni and sophie,

and told them

to meet us there.

we fought our

strollers through the crowds

and watched as our

kids stared in awe

at the sea life

we stopped for a drink

and eventually freed our

children from their prisons

so that they could play.

later, we ran into

blog reader, emily and her husband,

and their daughter, miya.

all of the kids

played together

until maddy hit miya

in the head with

a shovel.

(so, so sorry about that!).

after the aquarium,

we stopped for dinner,

during which madeline

proved that she

truly can sleep anywhere.

we went home that

night and slept

harder than we

had in a very

long time.

on sunday,

strangers friends,

the glover family,

stopped by for

a visit with

maddy and the robot.

later, we went to

the park with

our buds, jayneoni and sophie.

the kids loved the ducks,

and i used this as

an opportunity to

emphasize the letter, “d”

the next night

maddy and i joined

our friends for

dinner at the restaurant

in their hotel.

i recommended this

hotel to chrissy…

she wanted a nice

place somewhat close

to the beach

i knew of only

one hotel off the

top of my head.

and i knew it

pretty well.

i dropped

liz

off at the same hotel

few years ago…

she stayed there with

her friends, sister and cousin

while they celebrated

her bachelorette party.

i tried to ignore

this thought

as i pulled up.

…

we had a great dinner

with hilarious stories

from brian and

entertainment in the way

of flying food and utensils,

thanks to our

lovely children.

i filled chrissy in on

my new compensation plan

for restaurant wait-staff

(an extra 50 cents added on to the tip for every piece of anything that maddy throws on the floor).

after dinner,

brian watched the

kids while chrissy and i had

a couple of beers

we had a

conversation about pasts,

presents, and futures.

it was a great

to have a little

adult time with

a great friend.

(here’s what chrissy had to say about all of this)

may 5th – 7th.

maddy and i

spent the middle part

of the week recovering

from the past few

weeks of activity.

we’ve both been

a little exhausted,

but we took some

time out to appreciate

the apple blossoms

on the tree

in the front yard

and to do a

little writing.

we spent some time

at one of our

favorite places,

and by the weekend

we were ready for

more adventures…

on friday

our friend,

lauren

came in to town

to attend a couple of

shows with gentle ben

and me.

maddy played the

drums for me

before heading

out to spend

the evening with

the valdivia family.

gentle ben, patient dana, lauren and i

went off to

see iron & wine

inside the masonic lodge

at the hollywood forever cemetery.

the show was in

the second coolest

venue ever

(right behind the cumberland caves where i saw the silver jews).

the show was

great, but was

outdone by

the performance

the following night.

not only did

i get to meet

sam beam of

iron & wine after the

troubadour show,

(no, we are not related to one another)

i also got to

meet a couple

of blog readers…

sometime during the middle

of the show i

saw a twitter message

that read,

“is that you with the corona at the troubador? cause if you ever need a free babysitter for maddie I’ll come introduce ”

i responded and

toward the end

of the show i had

a couple of

new friends

(we’re going to dinner tonight).

where was maddy?

she was hanging out

with her friend, isabelle.

also, earlier in the

day i went to

arcadia and had

this done…

maddy got one as well:

(calm down…her tattoo is fake).

on sunday,

mother’s day,

it was brunch

in pasadena,

some play time in

front of our house

and finally,

a trip to maddy’s

favorite park.

we played on some

railroad tracks

and nearly got

hit by a train

then we took a walk

around travel town,

climbed on some trains,

and finally,

we rode on a

maddy-sized train.

then we were off

to the playground,

where i let madeline

stretch her legs a bit.

she perfected a tactic

her mother used

on a daily basis

(liz could barely reach the plates on the bottom shelf of the cupboard and had to stand on the tips of her toes to do so),

and unlike her

mother,

she willingly posed

for a few photos:

then it was on

to the swings,

lauren had her

video camera rolling

for part of the day.

this is what

she put together:

from the park

we went to dinner,

then we dropped

lauren off at

the airport.

maddy and i headed home

and we spent the

rest of the evening

playing with her toys.

i kept thinking that

this day would have

gone much the same

way if

liz

were still here.

knowing that we’re

carrying on without

her

is somewhat comforting,

but i kept

thinking this:

yes…what could

have been is fucking

hard to think about,

but what is,

hurts more

than i can

possibly describe.

(and no, the tattoo is not a led zeppelin reference (as some have inferred)…it’s a line from a silver jews song, though i changed the “was” to “is”).

saturday.

awesome auntie deb

is coming in to

town today.

before heading off

to the airport to

pick her up,

maddy practiced her standing.

and for the first

time ever, she was

able to lower herself

back down to

a sitting position

and then crawl away.

yes.

big accomplishment.

over the past few

weeks she has

been able to

pull herself up,

but she has been

unable to sit back down.

and that was a

real source of frustration.

for both of us.

after standing for a

few minutes,

she would start whining,

and i would have

to place her on

her butt.

or she’d take the

hard road

and drop from standing

to sitting,

which almost always

resulted in a

surprised look on

her face followed

by a tear or two.

no longer.

she can sit, she

can stand.

and guess what

else she can do?

transfer from coffee

table to couch

and back again,

all while holding on.

the legs are moving,

one foot firmly

planted while

the other takes

a step.

wow.

what’s next?

walking?

oh shit.

we’ll worry about

that later.

we have weeks,

right?

maybe not,

but now it’s time

to pick deb up

from the airport.

soon enough

we were reunited with

deb, though maddy

had no idea

that her auntie

was in the car…

she was asleep

and wouldn’t

wake up until

we made it back

to the house.

we spent a little time

playing with some

of her musical

instruments, madeline

trying to prove to

deb that she

is a true musical prodigy.

i’m not sure

she’s there quite yet,

but she sure

as hell knows

how to make a

shitload of noise.

after her concert

we went to

buy some formula.

wait.

she’s almost one.

this will be the last bit

of formula she will

ever need to drink.

shit.

i brought a huge stack

of expired formula

checks into

the big baby store

on los feliz blvd

and convinced the

guy behind the counter

to let me use

all of them.

well, almost all of them.

we cleaned them

out of all the

blue-label formula

they had,

and still had 16

formula checks in

our hands

when we left.

$429.17 worth of

formula for $6.13.

took over an

hour to check out,

the guy having to

run each of the $3

and $5 checks

through the register

while i told

the people lining

up behind us,

“this is gonna take awhile…you may want to find another line.”

what’s so awesome

about this is,

over the course of

madeline’s first year,

thanks to all

the formula checks

sent to us by

strangers friends,

i’ve gone out

of pocket for formula

three times.

yes, only three times.

why three times?

that’s the number

of times i’ve

left the house

without formula,

the number of times

i’ve had to

stop somewhere along

the way to make

up for being a

horrible father.

not too bad if

you ask me.

then i got to thinking…

we need to continue

to collect these

formula checks to

send to the folks with

newborns who

are applying for

a grant from

the liz logelin foundation.

if you have formula checks and would like to donate them, please send them to:

the liz logelin foundation
p.o. box 26366
st. louis park, mn 55426

(thank you).

after our shopping

spree we were

off to griffith

park, where i

finally got a chance

to do something

i dreamed of

doing before madeline

was even born…

yeah.

i wanted to take

some photos of my

child in the cages

in the old zoo.

i mentioned it to

liz

when i first found

the place and

she didn’t think

it was too funny.

oh well.

i think she’d

smile pretty big

if she could see

how the photos

turned out.

she would especially

like the one

with me

in the cage with

our baby.

or maybe the one of

her sister in

the cage.

(i think she thought we both belonged in one from time-to-time).

after torturing my

child a bit,

we offered her

a peace offering

and then tortured

her again,

all for the sake

of some rad photos.

we also did one

of the other things

i’ve been really

excited to do

with madeline.

she took a

ride on the merry-go-round

at griffith park.

she was here

once before, many

months ago

when she was too

little to ride.

i was afraid back

then that the

damn thing would

be spinning too

fast for her.

i don’t have that

concern anymore.

it’s amazing

how quickly we

got here.

she took a ride

with her auntie deb

then i got

to take a ride

with her.

as we went

around and around,

she started to

look a little

dizzy, but the

smile on her face

was as big

as the one her

mother

used to flash

at me when i

didn’t do something stupid,

so i just smiled

right along

with her.

(the rest of the photos from our day in the park can be found here).

that evening

we met up with

elizabeth and her

family at the best

pizza restaurant in

los angeles.

after dinner, we were

visited by aunties

anya and aislinn,

who both marveled at

the progress madeline

has made.

after saying goodbye

to everyone,

maddy, deb and

i had some quite time

together, just sitting

with each other.

sleep came early for

all of us tonight,

which is good,

’cause i’m exhausted.

sunday.

march 8.

today i learned

something very important…

i learned how to

administer medicine to

madeline.

what is my secret?

i pretended to stick

the medicine in

my mouth,

smiling as if it was

the best shit

i’ve ever had.

maddy watched me,

seeing my smile,

knowing that

the stuff i was

swallowing must

be good.

so she followed suit.

she opened wide,

and took her

medicine like it

was ice cream.

all of this while

sitting on the couch,

not being held down,

not being tied town,

not feeling as though

i was torturing her.

no…

i manipulated the hell

out of her,

and i was so

fucking proud of myself.

the trick works

well now,

but soon she

will outsmart me.

i just know it.

after patting myself

on the back

for such brilliance,

the three of us

took a walk

to the coffee shop

down the street,

stopping long enough

to take this photo:

after breakfast we

took a little drive

to the record store

so i could pick up

a few things

i really needed,

then it was off

for a view of

the city and

a few photos.

later we dropped

auntie deb off

at the airport,

saying goodbye

until we see her

again in early

april for maddy’s

birthday party.

we went home

and maddy

spent the afternoon

and evening

playing with me,

interrupting my writing,

and trying to

take me in

a staring contest.

i won,

so maddy had

spend the rest

of the evening

as my mouse pad.

maddy coughing,

my head feeling heavy,

we went to

bed early.

where were we

a year ago?

liz

was enjoying

her second favorite

day of her

hospital stay

i sat by,

smiling, knowing that

there was little

at this time that

would have brought

as much joy as

that one, thoughtful

gift from

a friend who

knew what she

was going through.

that was a

great fucking day.

march 9 – 11.

it was work

and daycare,

and not much else.

it was this week

that i got reacquainted

with an album

that seems like

an old friend.

maddy seems to

be on the mend,

but i

feel like garbage.

on the evening of the 11th

we met up with

rhonda and jonathan

at a restaurant in

eagle rock for

the happy hour.

liz

loved this place.

we went there

a couple of times,

once soon after we

bought our house.

we had just

found out that

we were going to

need that third

bedroom for

something other

than storage.

i remember exactly what

she ordered

that night…

a pulled-pork sandwich

(she ordered this from any menu it was on, no matter which restaurant we were in)

and a water.

(it was around the time her diet coke craving disappeared).

we sat inside,

talking excitedly about

our future.

we were both beyond

thrilled to become parents.

after dinner, i remember

her getting really

excited because there

was a manicure/pedicure

place opposite

the restaurant.

i remember her running,

almost skipping,

definitely jaywalking

across colorado blvd

to find out

if it was the

kind of place

she could see herself

spending part of

her saturday afternoon

every two weeks.

the little moments,

all triggered by

the weirdest things…

this time?

a menu placed in

my face by

a goth-looking teen

girl behind the counter,

mentioning the

meal that

liz

ordered that evening

i could see and

hear her…

clapping excitedly,

hands just below

her chin.

…

enjoyed catching up

with our friends

and loved our dinner,

then went home,

meeting up with

our friend melanie.

she was kind enough

to hang out

with maddy for a

bit while i continued

working on

my project.

maddy was as

difficult as usual.

so melanie picked up

my house a bit.

(i have great friends).

with maddy asleep

and my living room

passable again,

i convinced her

that she could go home.

i worked until i

couldn’t keep my

eyes open any longer

and headed to sleep.

one year ago.

thursday.

march 12th.

today was interesting for

a few reasons.

had a great

lunch meeting with

someone, and right

before we met,

i got a call

i didn’t expect.

both things

could lead to

a positively brighter

future, but i’m

cautiously pessimistic

about such things.

that night our friend

lauren arrived,

in town for the

weekend to see

some friends and

family, and to

see her dogs off

before they head

to australia.

we had

dinner with her

at the french

restaurant in eagle rock,

but this may

be the last time.

madeline seems a

little too interested

in the waiters.

(the women who have been to this place will know why).

it’s way too

early for this type

of behavior.

friday.

march 13.

(haven’t we had a few friday the 13ths lately?)

things were going

pretty well for

us on this

date last year.

this year?

something different.

today was

another normal

day for us.

except for the

fact that my boss

sent me home

early with a

note that said,

“you look like _____ (fill in the blank) go home.”

i picked up madeline,

drove home and

tried to take

a nap.

she wanted nothing

to do with it,

so i took her

outside and let

her play

in the grass.

i laid down

next to her

with my eyes open,

taking in

the plants, trees & flowers.

the grapevine

is starting to

get some green leaves.

the jasmine has

bloomed and the flowers

at the bottom

are starting to

turn brown.

soon they’ll be

gone and the memories

from this time

last year with

partially fade,

only to be revived when

the bush blooms again.

enough.

i got up and

got my cameras…

took a

couple of photos

and tried to focus

on the present.

we went back

inside and i watched

her do this:

that evening maddy

spent the night

hanging out

with elizabeth and

her family

while i went out.

met up with k8 and lauren

for a little dinner

at the other

french restaurant,

where we spent

the night talking

and laughing.

k8 had to get

home to be in bed

before 7:30 so lauren

and i went into

hollywood to see

a band i’ve been

wanting to see

for many years

at a place

i’ve been to

many, many times.

great show interrupted

only by a woman

who decided she

should be topless,

and a man who

should have stopped

drinking a few

beers before he started

fighting the people

in the back.

dropped lauren

at her car,

and i drove home.

maddy still at

elizabeth’s house…

it’s too late to

pick her up…

i took the

opportunity to

watch a bit

of tv and

listen to some of

my new records.

a quiet night.

i needed this.

saturday morning.

march 14.

woke up before 6:00

and was on elizbeth’s

doorstep by 8:00.

picked up my

girl then headed to

the west side

for a haircut

and a visit with

the ladies at blush,

the ladies that

used to take

such good care of

liz.

it’s always fun

to visit them.

we talk,

and they tell me

stories about

liz.

from them i

get to hear

her

side of some things

(they have a great story about her reaction to the robot).

this time i

ended up

crying because they

told me that she

never once complained

about me,

even though they

could tell she was

exasperated by some

of my stupid antics.

after the haircut

we headed home

and i spent the

early afternoon

listening to maddy

play some music

and watching

her demonstrate which

parts of my house

need to be

baby-proofed first.

later, we met up

with our friend for

a quick photo shoot.

we met a german

biker who

wanted a photo

with my “beautiful robot”

we said goodbye

to lauren

and maddy and

i spent the

evening playing with

toys and listening

to some records.

one week from now

we will be

somewhere else.

sunday.

march 15.

10 days,

and then what?

nothing.

same thing as before

and after.

got up and

went to breakfast,

then spent the

early afternoon

following maddy around

the house.

in the afternoon we

met up with gina and

her husband chris for

a photo shoot

for madeline’s first birthday.

we went back to

griffith park so we

could get even better

shots than the

ones that deb and

i took the week before.

i took a few:

but gina’s wonderful eye

captured things

so beautifully.

i loved all of

the photos

she took,

but this one

is my favorite.

and her husband, chris?

he shot some

video of the photo

shoot and created this

it was my first time

meeting him, but

within minutes i felt

like we were

old friends.

and it was a

joy to see the

two of them

working together.

they’re one hell

of a team.

it started to

get dark so we

said goodbye

to everyone,

picked up some

dinner on the way

home, and spent

the evening relaxing,

just the two

of us.

she was content

to play on the

chair for awhile,

but then something changed…

i saw a look come

over her face…

during the past

month or so

i have perfected

the ability to

read her face,

and this one

told me she was

about to cause

some mayhem.

i was right…

first she tried

to pull the

lamp over.

then she tried

banging on the

glass doors on

the book shelves,

then she tried

to crawl over the

arm of the chair

so she could

get some tools

to aid her

in committing the

destruction she envisioned.

oh man…

it was a

long night of

trying to contain her.

gone are the

days i could

leave her by herself

and she’d be

in the same place…

now, i leave her

alone for 30 seconds

and not only has

she moved, so

has everything

else in the room.

this is when

shit is about to

get really, really fun.

to

feb. 13.

we did nothing.

i went to

work, she went

to daycare.

but the nights,

the nights were

spent hanging out

together, just daughter

and father.

no friends.

no family.

no camera.

just music.

and books.

and toys.

and fun.

and laughter.

and frozen indian food.

and pureed fruits

& vegetables.

and sleep.

there was not

a night that

i didn’t go to

sleep before 10:00pm.

sometimes it was

earlier, but

never later.

one night madeline

did not want

to go to sleep

and there was

no way i could

keep my eyes

open, so i sat

her on the couch

and laid on her

legs, to keep her

in place.

that worked for

20 minutes,

which was all the

nap i needed.

saturday.

feb. 14.

fuck valentine’s day.

today we

met up with a

couple of strangers friends,

erin & chelsea

from the nc.

met up for some

tea at a coffee

shop in my neighborhood,

stopped for a

few photos with

the robot

then took them

on a tour of

the city.

we spent a

little time in

the bh, trying to

track down some

chocolate bars with

bacon, but we

were unable to

procure them.

(erin would later track them down via the interweb and send a few my way…thank you, erin!).

dropped them off

at their hotel

and maddy and

i drove up to the

house of gentle ben

and his family.

the lovely dana

cooked up some

amazing food

and we all ate

while the kids

made noise.

john and heather

arrived late

and we all watched

old cartoons and

talked while

the little ones

passed out.

peter and eileen

left early

(as usual)

and this night,

maddy and i

weren’t too far behind.

my eyes just can’t

stay open as

long as they

once could.

we drove home,

and as maddy

slept, i thought

about last valentine’s day.

i think

liz

had just started

bed rest,

or maybe she was

to start soon after,

it doesn’t really matter.

i remember that

we were both

unwilling to do anything

that evening.

and i remember

that i was

too busy to go

get her the gift

i wanted to pick up

for her,

(jewelry to replace the shit stolen from our house in january)

so instead,

before leaving work

i printed out the

screen shot of the

thing i was

going to give her

and gave her the

stupid piece of

paper with a

note that said,

“i ♥ you”

a year ago,

no,

a lifetime ago.

double fuck.

sunday.

feb. 15.

another visit from

a stranger friend.

this time, diane l.

came to visit

to talk about death.

yes.

you read that right.

she came to

talk to me about death.

and it was great.

she’s taking a class

at a local university,

and the central

theme is death.

she was tasked with

meeting someone

who has lost someone.

when she contacted

me a few weeks

earlier, i jumped at

the opportunity to

chat with her.

why?

well…sometimes it’s nice

to talk to a

complete stranger about

this shit.

when she arrived,

she got a

photo with the robot

we had a great

conversation, though i

did most of

the talking

(sorry, diane).

reliving some of

this is tough, but

it was absolutely necesarry

for me,

and i am forever

indebted to my

new friend for

her willingness to

listen to me while

i talked about

the most awful

day of my life.

we said goodbye

to diane…

i was exhausted after

our conversation,

so maddy and i

took a long,

long nap.

that night we

played together

on the floor,

composing songs that

no one will ever hear.

monday,

feb 16.

a day off of

work, thanks to

our former presidents.

spent the morning

playing with maddy

and later,

drinking saffron tea

and talking with

our old friend, marie h.

haven’t seen her since

liz’s

service in pasadena

and before that,

maybe 13 years

since our last conversation.

it was great to

catch up with

her and we

promised to do

it again soon.

that afternoon,

i took my two favorite

things on a little trip.

the bob ross

painting was going to

be framed…can’t

wait to get it back.

we drove home

and saw this:

then maddy spent

the night playing

while i did

a little writing.

it’s weird to

not be traveling.

tuesday.

feb. 17.

back to work

and daycare.

before leaving

we took advantage

of the sunshine

and got a few

photos in

and maddy played

the piano.

early to bed

on the 17th.

just couldn’t deal

with evening.

thankfully my

child likes to sleep.

feb. 18,

wednesday already.

went to dinner with

creepy kate and

her family,

opting for some

polish food in the

restaurant in my neighborhood.

maddy stared at

the lights

while we talked

about things.

went home and

fell asleep

on the couch at

9:00 even though

i had a

lot of work

to do tonight.

it will have

to wait until tomorrow.

feb. 19

the day was spent

working and

getting reacquainted with

some records i

haven’t heard in awhile.

one song in particular

played over and

over again,

while i played

with maddy,

because it reminded

me of

liz.

she fell in love

with that song

when we saw

crooked fingers open

up for wilco

when i first moved to

los angeles.

i realized that

i left chicago

for los angeles almost

exactly seven

years ago to the day.

and then i remembered

another time that

liz

got pissed at me.

she wasn’t

robot pissed this time,

but she wasn’t

happy with my decision.

in the days before

i left chicago

i decided that i wanted

to get something

as a souvenir that

would remind me of

my time there.

i stumbled into

a record store one

afternoon and saw

a sign that

would solve my problem.

“original artwork by wesley willis.”

holy fuck.

this guy was a

legend in chicago

and no matter what

the cost,

i needed some of

his artwork.

so i used the last

$50 i had

on my credit card

to buy my

first piece of original artwork.

based on the

low, low price,

i assumed the art

would be on a

small canvas or something.

no.

it was on a

giant piece of tagboard.

it was huge.

and it was awesome.

i knew that

liz

wouldn’t be pleased.

she didn’t like

the music of wesley willis

and she certainly

wouldn’t like that

i used my remaining

credit to buy

this damn thing.

i sort of planned

on hiding it from

her until i had a job,

then yelling something like,

“surprise! look at the stupid fucking decision i made with the only money i had in the world! pretty funny now that i have a job, right?”

but how does one

hide something

this big?

shit.

i decided the best

thing to do was

to tell her i

only paid $10

for it.

(brilliant plan, i know).

so after driving

from chicago

to los angeles,

excited to be

moving into a

one-bedroom apartment

with the lady

of my dreams…

after giving her a

hug and a kiss,

i said,

“look at what i bought!”

“what is it and how much was it?”

“it’s original artwork by wesley willis and it was only $10!”

“you spent $10 on a bic-pen drawing on a piece of tagboard?”

“yeah…isn’t awesome?”

“no. it isn’t awesome. and it’s not coming inside.”

we obviously didn’t

have the same

idea about what

real art is.

when i finally

got a job

and started making

some money,

i told her the actual

cost of the art.

she just shook

her head.

eventually she became

okay with my

decision, even giving

me the option of

a new computer or

getting the wesley willis

original artwork framed

for my birthday

one year.

(i chose the computer)

and when we moved

into our second

apartment, she even

felt bad for me

after the cable guy

accidentally drilled a

hole through the artwork,

though i told her

it was karmic retribution

for my little white lie.

she agreed.

i wouldn’t lie

to her again until

i bought the robot.

whoa.

that was quite

a diversion.

but that’s

that happens when

i hear certain songs,

and tonight,

"the rotting strip" by crooked fingers)

transported me back

to 2002.

it was nice to

be back there,

if only for a

short time,

and only in my mind.

it’s all

i’ve got left.

i spent the night

trying to write,

but i was distracted

by things.

went to bed

at 4:00am tonight.

not good.

feb. 20th.

morning came way

too early,

with maddy waking

up at 5:30am.

i was not ready

to wake up,

but it didn’t

matter because

she was.

going back to

sleep is not an option.

instead we got

up and got ready

for the day.

work and daycare

were done

by 3:30 this day

and tonight

it was time to relax.

ordered some thai

food and spent

the evening playing

some records for maddy.

the early morning

led to an

early evening.

Feb 21st

woke up early

again and got

ready for the day.

then we did something

i really miss doing

when we’re off on

our adventures…

strapped maddy into her

stroller and we walked

down the hill

to the new

bakery/coffee shop

in our neighborhood.

had a spam

and egg sandwich

with a cup

of tea.

haven’t had spam

since my last

trip to hawaii with

liz.

maddy, sitting in

the high chair,

made a quick move

for some of the

egg and nailed her

forehead on the

edge of the table.

she screamed,

everyone stared.

the old lady glared.

i turned bright red.

it sucked.

but within a minute,

maddy was

back to normal,

smiling and laughing.

in the afternoon

we did a

little shopping.

i bought a few records

that we spent

the evening listening to.

maddy feel asleep

pretty early, so

after a short nap,

i started watching

“paddle to the sea”.

she woke up about

5 minutes into

the movie,

just as the little

canoe made its

way to the river.

it’s been over

20 years since

i last saw this movie,

but i remember it

like it

was yesterday.

maddy stared at

the screen

and seemed to

love the music.

feb. 22nd.

sunday.

started our day

exactly the same

way as

we did on saturday,

though this time

maddy didn’t

hit her head on

the table at

the coffee shop.

then it was off

to auntie anya’s

house for maddy.

i had a bunch of

stuff to do,

plus they haven’t

spent any alone

time together in

a long time.

i had grand plans

for my 4 hours of

alone time.

clean the house.

get some writing done.

pay some bills.

go grocery shopping.

instead?

i slept.

the entire time.

i really, really needed

to get some stuff done,

but i also

really, really needed

the sleep.

though after a

year of

not sleeping,

there is little chance

that i will ever

catch up.

i picked madeline up

after my long

nap then met up

with creepy christa,

& husband, and

creepy kate & son.

went to a place

in burbank,

just a few blocks

from where

liz

used to work.

this was a place

we’d hit every few

weeks, especially when we

wanted to avoid

the traffic home.

i’ve been here

a few times

since she died,

so it’s not so

hard to go in anymore.

maddy chewed on

some crayons

and we laughed.

dinner was great,

but it was time

to go home

and get working on

some of the things

i was supposed

to accomplish while

maddy was with

auntie anya.

i put her on

the living room

floor while i

did the dishes

that have been

piling up over the

past few days

something caught my eye…

it was madeline,

and she was

on her hands and

knees, crawling for

real, for the first time.

for the past two

or so months,

she has been

dragging her legs

behind her, pulling

herself around

with just her arms.

it was funny and

sad because it

looked like she

had two broken legs.

but now…

oh shit.

she’s truly mobile now.

this is not good.

now everything has

to be baby proofed.

double shit.

when she caught

my eye she was

already in

the dining room,

heading toward

the kitchen.

i yelled,

“holy shit! you’re really crawling!”

(i kinda hope “shit” is not her first word)

she looked so

proud when i

gave her the attention.

she made it

all the way to me,

so instead of

finishing up

the dishes,

i picked her up,

brought her back

to the living room

and made her

demonstrate her

new-found abilities over

and over again.

i watched as

madeline

made the transition

from baby to

little girl.

i laughed as

she got

into everything,

pulling dvds and cds

off of the shelves,

making sure that

everything on the

coffee table somehow

ended up on the floor.

i can’t believe

i’m so happy

that she’s tearing

up my house

(and this is just the beginning),

but it’s been

one hell of a

journey to get

to this point.

i just hate

doing it alone.

feb. 23rd.

monday.

another week

further away

another week closer.

today i got

a snuggie from

the people

i used to manage

(i just started a new role at work and this was a good-riddance gift from my former team).

that’s all that

happened today.

seriously.

maddy and i

went to bed

really early.

what i want to

know is,

when the hell will

i be back to normal?

when will i

be able to stay up

past 10:00 again?

february 24.

tuesday

madeline was born

11 months ago today.

holy crap.

she’s almost a year old.

got her dressed

and took a couple

of photos before

heading off for

the morning.

i got to work

and got a

message from auntie

angel fan…

“dinner tonight?”

yes.

we have no plans

and we need

to celebrate this day.

so after work

we met up at

a place near our house.

maddy ate some

mac and cheese

and diane and

i talked about

the past.

the memories have

been flooding

back for both of

us, and that’s

not necessarily

a good thing.

we talked about

next month and

what that will

mean to everyone

who knew

liz.

madeline and i

will be back in

mexico with the

colianni family,

back in that spot that

we all planned

to go to

together.

diane agreed that

getting out of

town was the best

thing for us.

then we went

to get some dessert

(that makes everyone feel better, right?).

madeline was asleep

when we got home.

i transferred her

from carseat to playpen,

and i went to

sit on the couch

listening to this.

that night,

i,

for the first time,

felt a little guilty

for taking away

from everyone

the medicine

that we all need

so much

on march 25th.

fuck.

but diane’s right…

maddy and i

need to do this.

and we will

be sure to

take care of everyone

else when we

get back.

i promise.

but on that day…

we must be away.

i’ve been getting a ton of e-mails (70+), twitter messages (20+) and a few comments, asking if people can send maddy a birthday gift.

well…

as you can see, madeline doesn’t need anything else…

the stuff you see is just a small portion of what has been sent to us over the past 11+ months. she has a dresser full of quilts, 40+ pairs of shoes, a dresser and a closet filled with clothes, hundreds of robot items, toys, books, music, jewelry and a bunch of other stuff.

thanks to all of the formula/formula check donations, i’ve had to pay for only three containers of formula since she was born (all three purchased because i forgot to put formula in her diaper bag when i left the house).

thanks to salma hayek, rachael ray and pampers, we now have a lifetime supply of diapers (guess whose child is never going to be potty trained?)

i still have hundreds of dollars in gift cards (and a job!) to help pay for anything else we may need.

our garage is also filled with clothes and toys for when she finally hits 12+ months old.

we’ve donated the clothes that no longer fit as well as the baby equipment and toys that she has outgrown.

and still.

there is no room in our house.

literally.

i can’t begin to tell you how much we appreciate all that people have done for us.

we wouldn’t be where we are today without you.

thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

but for madeline’s birthday, we would love nothing more if you would consider taking the money you were planning to spend on her gift + the postage to ship the gift, and donate it to the liz logelin foundation so that people facing circumstances similar can benefit from the kindness and support you all have extended to us.

m. + m.

january 26.

made it past

another shitty day

relatively unscathed.

both happy to

be home, we

crashed hard last

night and slept in

a bit this morning.

made it to work

around 9:00

after dropping maddy

off at her

second home.

looking forward to

a quiet week.

made it through

the work day

without falling asleep

then picked up

maddy and went home.

we stayed in for

the night,

each enjoying

the laughter of

the other while

playing with maddy’s

musical toys.

last year at

this time,

we were picking

out paint colors

for maddy’s room,

and retrieving most

of our stolen shit

from our local

police station.

today also marks the

13th anniversary

of my first date with

liz.

we never really celebrated

the date, and

she would always

laugh when

i remembered and

brought it up

(and i remembered and brought it up every year, even though i’m pretty sure she didn’t remember the exact date of that magical awkward night).

why?

because she thought

it was “cute”

that i would

remember, let along

bring up that

first date.

fuck…by now

you’ve seen my

prom photo,

so you know what

she was dealing with.

on top of

it, i got lost

on our way

to the science museum

(i was totally unfamiliar with st. paul back then).

even then i

couldn’t figure out

what the

fuck made her

want to hang out

with me after

that night,

but she did,

and i’m glad

she did.

especially when

i stare at that

little baby she

left for me.

tuesday.

27 days in,

and i can’t believe

the month is

almost over.

we did nothing today.

well, i fulfilled

my obligation at

the office and

maddy had

another day of

fun at daycare,

but the night

was reserved for

some much needed

rest and music listening.

wednesday

january 28.

time is moving

too fast,

but that may

be for the best.

same old, same old,

plus a get together

with creepy karyn,

who delivered to madeline

a few gifts,

(she especially loved the tissue paper)

and a giant quilt

with robots

all over it.

we went to

the french restaurant

in eagle rock,

and i got reacquainted

with one of

my favorite meals.

thursday

january 29.

today was the

day that our story

ended up on

the front page

of aol.com,

which led to

a server crash

that took my site down.

not good.

that sucked, especially

because there was

no warning from

aol that the

story was going

to be going up

that day.

aj and i

spent a bit

of time trying to

get things up

and running with

little luck.

we arrived at the

only solution available…

get a new hosting company.

after work

and daycare,

we met up with

a few friends

in the park at

the end of the 2,

along with

a film crew from

the rachael ray show,

and taped some

footage, some of

which they used

on the show.

maddy smiled the

entire time,

even doing a few

tricks for the

folks with the cameras.

photo by gentle ben.

later, we said goodbye

to our friends

and headed home

for some more filming.

the film crew

picked up pizza

from the best

pizza restaurant

in town,

and hung out with

us until almost midnight.

after they

said goodbye

and maddy passed out,

i packed up

my suitcase

for my trip to

nashville, then tried

my best to

get some rest.

kept thinking about

liz,

which makes

it almost impossible

to sleep.

woke up the next

morning, the 30th

day of the month,

and took

maddy to daycare

before finishing up

my half-day of work.

the g. grandparents,

having just arrived

from the mn

to hang out with

maddy for the weekend,

met me outside

my office

and the three

of us picked her

up from daycare.

the reunion was great…

seeing them all

smile really made

my day.

a few minutes

later we were

at the airport

and i was

saying goodbye,

giving maddy a kiss

for me and

a kiss for

liz,

then i was

on my way

to nashville.

boy it’s weird

to be in an

airport alone,

traveling without madeline.

i miss her already.

only my third

weekend away from

her.

i spent

my alone time

listening to

music and reading,

both things that

are nearly impossible

to do with a

squirming child on

one’s lap.

soon enough

i was in nashville.

met up with

my friend alaina,

(who arrived from the oh a few minutes before me).

and as we waited

for my luggage,

we randomly ran into

april, the woman

who is responsible

for us being here.

see, april has

a friend that

hooked us with

tickets to see

the silver jews

in a cave outside

the city.

i’m particularly excited

because it had

been announced that

it was to be

last show

for the band.

and as it turns

out, the town

nearest the cave

is the place where

my great grandparents

met and fell in love.

(they went to the southern school of photography in mcminnville, tn, and we grew up hearing all about the place and their time there).

that night we

met up with

a couple of alaina’s friends

for drinks at

a bluegrass bar.

had a great time,

but i was exhausted

and we had

a long weekend

ahead of us,

so i crashed early.

january 31.

last day of

the month

and a day

i’ve been looking

forward to for

nearly a month.

out the door and

on the road

to the show,

we stopped along

the way for

food and

some photographs.

and this sign

made me turn

the car around

to get a

better shot.

we turned a corner

and saw the sign

for the place

we were headed.

we picked up

our tickets

and soon enough

we were walking

toward the cave.

this is as close

to a religious experience

as i will

ever have,

so instead of ruining

it with my words,

i’ll be reverent

and let the photos

speak for themselves.

amazing.

we left the place,

alaina driving,

i slept the

entire way back

to nashville.

we arrived and

did a little shopping

for our kids

as well as a

little walking.

then i met

dolly parton.

we went out for

some drinks and

some live music.

we watched a lady

hold up a

drunk guy for

about an hour,

then we went to

the next bar

and i saw a poster

that included a

reminder of a

date that still holds

great importance in

my life.

checked in on

maddy, deb and

the grandparents before

crashing hard again

that night.

sunday.

a new month

and another step

further away.

got up and prepared

to meet with somebody

before my flight.

had an interesting

meeting that helped

solidify a decision

that i had

already made,

then it was back

on a plane

and back to my baby.

i slept the entire

flight, waking up

when the plane

landed in burbank.

the g. grandparents and

maddy were waiting

outside for me.

it was great to

be back, but

maddy didn’t even notice.

she was asleep.

we drove the grandparents

down to the lax,

and the two of

us went home

to spend a little

quality time together.

i had a great weekend,

and it was good

for me to

get away,

and it was good

that she could spend

a little time with

liz’s

family, but it

feels really,

really good to

be back.

20 days into

a better year.

back to our real

lives at

daycare and work.

maddy was happy

to return,

but i could

have used a

few more days off.

lots of things

happening as a

result of the

people article.

calls, e-mails from

lots of different folks.

gonna try to

plug away at

my work, ignore

everything for now

than catch up

with the e-mails

and return the phone

calls later.

that night, maddy

passed out early

and i got to work.

i stayed up

way later than

i should have,

but by 3:45am

i realized that i

needed to take

care of some of

this face-to-face.

3 hours later

we were both up,

and starting day

#21 of 2009.

i got maddy to daycare

and i made it

to work.

i talked to my

manager about my

need to leave

the next day.

he was extremely

understanding, which

is such an amazing

thing for a manager

to be.

the good news is

that it’s kind of

quiet for me

at work at the moment

and i have tons

of vacation time,

so much

that i’m close

to reaching my limit.

the days have

to be used up,

so i used some of

liz’s

airline miles to

book a flight

to nyc for the

following morning.

that night maddy

went to bed early

and i worked

to unpack the bags

still packed with

our clothes for

mexico, and replace

them with clothes

better suited

for the cold of

the nyc.

thursday morning.

5:30am.

january 22nd.

about to run away

from it all again.

another trip to

the nyc and

another full day

of travel.

we got to the

airport where i

continued our quest

to get through the

security line faster

than the fastest

well-seasoned

business person.

waiting to board

the plane, a man,

a father of two,

started talking to

me as i mixed

a bottle while

holding my

squirming child.

“you’ve got your hands full there.”

you’re fucking right i do.

i thought,

but said,

“i do indeed.”

a bit of conversation

and then the question

dropped from his mouth…

“traveling alone?”

“yes.”

“you’re a brave man. meeting your wife in new york?”

“no. she passed away.”

“oh. i’m so sorry.”

“me too.”

then a few

seats away

a woman says,

“are you matt?”

“uhh…yeah.”

“i’m a friend of a friend of your in-laws and we were just talking about you yesterday!”

i think the guy

with all the

questions was a little

relieved that this

woman jumped in

and saved him.

the two of

us talked about

commonalities until

the flight was ready

to leave.

we boarded the

plane and took our seats.

as i tried to finish

up my phone call,

a flight attendant

tapped me on

the shoulder

and whispered,

“let me take her for you.”

so awesome.

i finished my call

while maddy smiled

with her new

best friend.

she was back

in my arms

right before take off.

that squirmy, whiny

child from the return

flight from

mexico is back,

and she made

the flight

to the nyc

kind of a pain

in the ass.

has my luck

run out?

i fucking hope not.

i did a lot

of walking up and

down the aisle,

and of course maddy’s

new bff held her

whenever she wasn’t

serving drinks.

5.5 hours and

a bout of

short-term deafness later,

i was outside

the terminal with

madeline, waiting

for a taxi.

our family friend

offered to share

the car into the

city, and ultimately

refused to take

my share of

the cab fare.

we dropped our

stuff off at

our hotel and made

our way up

broadway for tea

with cara d.

both knowing the

pain of losing

someone close to us,

we had a nice

discussion about pasts

and futures.

after tea is was

dinner with kate c.

(the woman who took the photo asked, “would you like me to take a family portrait?” she had the camera in her hands before i could even start my explanation).

we shared some

laughs and

some stories,

and then it was

time to say goodbye.

maddy and i

have a full day

ahead of us

tomorrow, and it

starts really early.

maddy was asleep

by the time

we got to our

hotel room.

i fell asleep,

listening to this.

friday.

january 23rd.

inching closer

to a day

i want to celebrate

and one i don’t

want to think about.

up by 6:00

(is that really 3:00am where we’re from?)

and in the shower

while my

favorite daughter

continues her sleep.

she was still

out of it

when i walked

out of the shower.

i got myself dressed

then did my

best to change

her diaper and

get her dressed

without waking

her up.

success.

i try to let

her sleep as

long as possible

on these trips to

the east coast,

in hopes of not

messing with her

concept of time.

7:15, and it

was time to

get her in the

carrier for our

very long day.

i woke her

up as i always

do, by slowly

rubbing her back,

until she goes

into a full,

arms-over-head

stretch, then placing

my palm on her

stomach and gently

shaking her into

uncontrollable laughter.

that shit makes

my day.

jacket, winter hat

and shoes on

(both of us),

we hit the streets,

walking north

to our first meeting.

i thought about

liz

a lot as

we made the trek

to 58th between

8th and 9th.

thought about

all those stranger

smiles she’s missing

out on,

the ones i get

as i walk up the

street with a

happy baby strapped

to my chest.

thought about how

happy she would

to see how

well our child

is doing.

made it to

the breakfast meeting,

and had a conversation

that could very

well change our lives.

after that, we headed

a block east

and a few blocks

south to another meeting.

another great

discussion that made

me look forward

to a new

and unexpected future.

from there

we were off to

44th between

2nd and 3rd

to meet the folks

from rachael ray

to discuss our upcoming

(now past)

appearance on the show.

madeline impressed

everyone with her

smile and unbelievably

happy demeanor

(both of which she got from her mother).

then we were

off to 9th st.

between 4th ave. and broadway

to do an interview

with aol.

(results here).

madeline was very

active during our

meeting, testing out

her happy screaming voice

(i sort of feel sorry for the person who had to transcribe that interview).

in the middle,

a woman peeked her

head into the interview

and asked if she

could take maddy

for a walk.

“sure.”

20 mins. later the

interview was over

and maddy was

still making her

rounds through the hallways.

i found her

a little ways down

the hall, in the arms

of the woman

with whom she

left, and talking

to another.

as i approached, the

woman said,

“i was walking down the hall, heard a baby, looked up, and immediately recognized madeline’s outfit from the blog, so i decide to stop and say hello.”

wow.

we talked for

a bit, but

i had to cut

things short ’cause

we were late

for our next meeting.

we headed north

to park ave.

somewhere around 45th.

had a very

interesting conversation

over a beer,

promised to stay

in touch then

headed a few

blocks west

to meet up with

our friends lauren

and melissa so

we could go

to dinner.

the long day

seems to have

worn maddy out…

she was a little

fussy as i

tried to eat

my dinner.

i gave her

a bit of my

food and then

let her chew

on my phone

for a bit,

which made her a

happy baby once again.

after dinner,

we met up with

a few more

folks for a beer

at a place

down the street.

maddy took a

nap on the

padded bench while

we all talked.

a little while

later i felt

like madeline looked,

so i decided it was

time to head back

to the hotel

for the night.

got maddy situated

and sat on the

edge of the bed,

just looking

at her.

the best part

of my day was that

maddy joined me

for all of

these discussions.

she is my

#1 priority for

now and forever,

so everyone who

wants my time

gets the package

deal that includes her.

(and i think they prefer it that way anyway).

thursday

15 days in

to 2009.

woke up to madeline

laying on her side,

sleeping peacefully

in the bed

beside me.

we got up and

let her grandparents

feed her breakfast.

it was pouring outside,

so we hung out

in the condo

until it was time

to pick up deb’s

friend, lindsay,

from the airport.

another trip past

all of those memories,

this time in the daylight.

fuck.

better get used

to it.

we’ll be making

this drive more than

a few times

over the next

few days.

i took advantage

of the fact that

i had mobile

phone service

but eventually

fell asleep.

woke up as we

pulled up

to the airport.

we waited around

outside the arrivals

terminal until lindsay

walked out.

then we set

about retracing most

of our steps from yesterday,

from every trip

we had ever

taken here.

we parked in

the same parking lot.

and had lunch on

the beach in

the playa del carmen,

at a place that

i’d been to with

liz

many times before.

it’s really fucking

difficult to go

back to these places,

places that hold

so many memories,

but it’s something

i have to do.

if i tried run away

from these memories

i would miss out

on so much,

and so would

madeline.

plus,

liz

and i went to

a lot of really

cool places all

over the world,

so it’s almost

impossible to escape

this shit.

we enjoyed some

lunch on the beach

then i took a

little walk with madeline.

and we played

in the sand.

we were here before.

2004.

same exact spot.

fuck.

after lunch we

walked back

to our car,

and headed back

toward the akumal.

we got back to

the condo and

found that many of

liz’s

family members

made it safely

to the condo.

we spent the

evening catching up

with everyone

while maddy worked

on squeezing bananas

through some

mesh netting.

(these things are disgusting, but very useful).

e-mails and comments

started to roll

in today.

it seems that the

people article has

hit the stands.

i spent part of

the evening chatting

with aj and a few

of the creeps

to make sure

that some last

minute things

were taken care of.

lots of media attention

coming our way.

i’m not doing this

shit to be

famous, because i

don’t give a shit

about that, and

none of this means

anything to me without

liz,

but we want

to harness this

attention in the

best way possible.

again,

not for me.

not for madeline.

for others like

us, who lost

a spouse, a partner

and a parent.

so…

before midnight central

time, we had a

fully functioning

web site up and

running for the thing

that is now the

second biggest priority

in my life.

the liz logelin foundation

if you would

have told me

a year ago that

this was the way

my life was gonna

end up,

i would have

told you that you

were out of

your fucking mind.

a single father?

a dead wife?

the president of a

non-profit organization in

her

name?

not fathomable.

yet here i am,

and that’s my reality.

thank you to

everyone who worked

so hard to get this

going so quickly.

especially aj.

that guy has

been there for us

every step of

the way.

if you see

him on the

streets of the mpls,

pat him on the

back and then

buy him a beer.

seriously.

let’s hope our 15 mins.

in the spotlight

means a shitload

of donations for

the foundation.

i went to bed

that night,

satisfied that we’ve

created a foundation

that we hope,

will help many,

excited and scared shitless

about the future.

if only

she

were here.

then maybe i

could sit back

and enjoy it,

as we watched

madeline accomplish

some new milestone.

went to sleep

around 1:00 and was

up not long

after that.

maddy was awake

and screaming her

lungs out.

worst crying fit

she has ever had.

why?

stuffy nose.

poor kid could

barely breath.

did everything i

could to calm

her down, but

couldn’t go too

far with her,

’cause i didn’t

want to wake

anyone else up.

this place is silent

at night,

so no one stayed

sleeping for long.

grandma candee

came down to

check on us,

and also did

her best to

work some magic.

still nothing.

i tried to clean

out maddy’s nose,

but the only

thing she hates worse

than a stuffy nose

is me trying to

clean the thing out.

louder crying.

awesome.

it must sound as

if i dropped her

on her head

or something.

shit.

45 mins

later, silence came.

i think she just got

tired and finally

passed out.

awesome.

and me?

well, i couldn’t sleep so

i read.

my eyes closed

sometime around 4:30.

friday.

january 16th.

none of this is happening.

is it?

woke up at

6:00 to

a sleeping baby

and an inbox filled

with e-mails.

amazing e-mails.

other people telling

stories of loss,

sharing inspiration.

it’s overwhelming.

i continued reading

the e-mails and

the comments.

while i waited for maddy

to wake up.

she finally did,

with a giant smile.

amazing, considering the

crying fit she had

last night.

she had a little

breakfast then

we all sat around

and watched her

do this:

she couldn’t get enough

of it and

neither could we.

after the bubbles

we went out

to the beach and

hung out

with some of

the other family members.

we did very little

today, which

was awesome.

eventually deb arrived

with one of

her cousins,

and we played

on the beach.

later, maddy sat on

a beach chair

and smiled for everyone

we played as

the sun set,

i remembered

this moment

like it was yesterday.

after tons

and tons of activity,

we did something

we rarely did…

we sat our asses

on the beach and

didn’t move.

we watched the

sunset behind

us and talked

about a lot

of things.

i suppose

this would have

been a good

time to ask her

to marry me,

this was a year

and half

before we got engaged,

and she would

have to wait

another 16 months,

until june, 2005

when we made it

to kathmandu and

i asked her to

marry me in a spot

that she may

not have had

in mind.

(more on that someday).

but now.

just a few

lots away from

where these

shots were taken,

i stared out toward

the bay where

she first taught

me to snorkel

(yes…she had to teach me to snorkel. that shit is unnatural and i felt like i was gonna drown until she explained that i have to keep the tube above the water line).

and all i could

think about was

one of the

lines from

this song.

“what is not but could have been”

indeed.

that night we

went to dinner

with almost

the entire group.

it was great

to catch up

with everyone, and

to share some laughs.

got home early

went to bed

exhausted from

the night before.

hopefully she

gives me a break.

i could really,

really use it.

5th day of the

new year.

we woke up,

rested and ready to

get back into

our routines.

maddy slept in

her clothes from yesterday

(yes, sometimes i don’t change her into pajamas before she goes to bed…does that make me a bad father?)

and still looked

cute the next morning

so i left her in

the same outfit.

(yes, i sometimes she wears the same outfit two days in a row. does that make me a really bad father?)

we got out the

door really fast

and made it to

daycare in record time.

i brought a

smiling maddy inside

and lupe said,

“she’s so happy to be here! i thought she wouldn’t want to be here after being away for so long!”

yeah. me too.

but she was thrilled

to be back

amongst her friends.

i said goodbye

and went to work.

tough to concentrate

after so many

days away, but i

i got a call

in the morning

that gave me something

to look forward to.

katrina, my old friend

from grad. school

called to let me

know that she is

in the so.cal

and hoped to take

us out for dinner.

i assured her

that we had nothing

to do, so

we planned to

meet later that evening.

the rest of the

day went by

fast, and soon

enough it was time

to pick maddy up

from daycare.

she was on the

floor trying to

crawl when i walked in.

i said,

“hi maddy”

and she spun

around to see me,

liz

sized smile on her face.

and there were

those teeth…

i can sorta

see them.

i was so scared

she was gonna

look weird with teeth,

like maybe she

wasn’t going to

be as cute

anymore, but i think

the teeth are actually

going to enhance

her beauty.

we headed home

and i tried my

best to pick

up the house

before katrina arrived.

no luck…the cab

dropped her off and the

doorbell rang before i even

got one suitcase moved

into another room.

katrina came in,

carrying a bag of

groceries and a

gift for maddy.

she offered to cook

me dinner, which

was sweet,

but i told her that

we better go

out to dinner

because all of the

tables in my house

are covered with stuff.

she took one look

at the kitchen and

dining room tables

and agreed that

going out would

be a better option.

before dinner, we

spent a little time

catching up

(we haven’t seen each other in a few years)

and talking

about the past.

she insisted that

maddy open her gift,

and we played with

it while katrina

took some photos.

then it was

time to head out.

we decided to hit

the indian restaurant

in the los feliz.

maddy slept through

the entire meal,

giving us a

chance to finish up

our conversation.

we talked about

a lot of things.

the sociologist in her

had so many questions

about the blog

and the community that

has formed around it.

we talked a lot about

liz,

and how maddy

and i are doing.

after dinner, we dropped her

off at union

station and headed home.

went to bed

around 1:00am.

fell asleep satisfied

that i got to

catch up with

an old friend.

tuesday.

day six of the new year.

we woke up early

and i actually put

maddy into a

different outfit today,

an outfit that

made me beam

with pride.

i layered a onesie

under a dress,

with a pair

of jeans under

the dress.

(what the fuck? i can’t believe i just wrote that, let alone did it.)

i’ve said it

before and i’ll

say it again…

i was not cut out

for this fashion shit,

but for

liz,

and madeline,

i’m doing my best.

we went to

our respective offices

and spent our day

doing our work.

during my work day

i got an

e-mail from someone,

inviting madeline

to an extremely

cool event this saturday.

(details to follow).

i called the woman

to accept the invitation,

and thanked her

for the incredible opportunity.

later i picked

maddy up and we

went home.

we spent the evening

on the couch,

reading and listening to

some music.

maddy’s talking evolved

from “da da da da”

to “ma ma ma ma” tonight,

which made me cry.

this is fucking hard.

she fell asleep around

8:30 and i set out

to do a little writing.

went to bed

about 2:30,

worrying again how

i’m gonna explain all

of this to

our daughter someday.

wednesday.

7 days into 2009.

the day started

off great.

i got maddy dressed

and we worked on

her xylophone playing,

and by xylophone playing,

i mean eating the mallet.

we laughed and smiled together

before heading out

the door.

i made it to

work and in my

inbox i found

an e-mail from our lawyer.

(creep becky’s husband).

a lawyer

working pro bono on

behalf of

the liz logelin foundation.

the e-mail

let me know

that he had filed

some of the necessary

paperwork to get

this thing off the ground.

wow.

after months

of discussion and

hard work by creeps

around the world,

(and very little help from me),

our non-profit org.

is taking shape.

soon we’ll be

finalizing some fundraising

events, getting a

website up and

running, and organizing

a big event for

the second annual walk/run

in sept.

(lots and lots of details to follow as they become available).

and to see my

name listed as “president?”

scary.

(and yes. it’s too early to call for my impeachment).

within months we should

be able to start

helping young families that

have lost a mother or a father.

thanks to everyone

who has helped

so far, and thanks

in advance to

all the folks

i’ll be putting

to work in the future.

feeling great,

i got back to work.

at 1:30 i got

a call from

maddy’s daycare.

“is this madeline’s dad?”

“uh, yeah. this is.”

“madeline has thrown up 5 or six times in the last hour.”

“shit. i’ll be right there.”

i ran out the door,

as fast as i

could, got to my

car and realized

that i didn’t

have my keys.

fuck!

i never forget my keys.

why now?

ran back in,

got them and

made it back

to my car.

i’m not sure i

touched a step

on my way down,

up or down the stairs.

got to the daycare,

and found maddy in

lupe’s arms.

madeline looked really pale,

but she started smiling

and laughing when she

saw me.

i grabbed her from

lupe and as soon

as i did,

there was a waterfall

of green vomit

spewing from her mouth.

“green beans”

lupe said.

that’s the first time

i’ve seen her

throw up like that.

i was scared.

i asked a bunch of

questions, got to

the car and started

making some phone calls.

called her pediatrician’s office.

fuck.

closed for lunch.

i started to

feel overwhelmed.

i called sonja, the

pediatrician i don’t pay,

and she gave me

the info i needed.

i felt overwhelmed again.

how am i going

to pick up the

pedialyte and the

other stuff i need

with a baby projectile vomiting?

this is where

our partnership

would have come in handy.

liz

could have run to

target while i held

maddy and cleaned

up vomit with a towel

(thought…do shamwows soak up vomit?).

or it could have

been the other

way around.

but it’s not,

and i have to figure

this shit out

all on my own.

(another reminder of how difficult single parents have it).

and here come

the tears again.

tears because i’m overwhelmed,

tears because i miss

liz.

tears because i

have no idea what

the fuck i’m doing.

two things helped…

first, i got a call

from my friend cara

in the nyc.

she helped calm

me down and reassured

me that i could do this.

second, thankfully i have

a wonder child…

she fell asleep right

before the exit for

our house, so i decided

to make a quick

stop at the store

so i could pick

up the supplies we needed.

made it half way

through the shopping

trip before she

woke up.

i was on the phone

talking to the nurse

at the pediatrician’s office.

oh shit

i thought…

but there’s that

smile again.

she seems fine.

we left the store,

made it a few

blocks before i heard

her vomiting again

shit.

do i pull over?

do i try to mop it up

while i drive?

i pulled over ’cause

it sounded like

she was choking.

i made sure

she was fine before

getting back in

the driver’s seat and

heading home.

she threw up

two more times when

we got in the house,

then she slept

for an hour.

she woke up happy

and i started following

the instructions i got

from everyone re: the pedialyte.

she took a little

the i waited for

her to vomit.

nothing.

a little more.

vomit time?

still nothing.

another nap and then it

was time for tons

of that liquid.

she drank 4 oz

and then we both

took a nap.

we repeated this

cycle until 11:00,

then went to

bed for the evening.

i hoped that

we’d be able

to sleep through the

night, but figured

that was impossible.

thursday.

8 days in.

i woke up at

4:00am, checked on

maddy and she

was still asleep.

i went back to

sleep until 6:30am

when i heard

her talking away.

i pick her up

and gave her another

bottle full of pedialyte.

she drank it

like it was her

favorite stuff

in the world.

all morning she has

alternated naps

and bottles full

of pedialyte.

as i write this, she

is in her bouncer,

bouncing away.

we go to see

the pediatrician at 3:00

today, her regularly scheduled

9-month appointment.

i think you

know what that means…

well, of course it

means that there’s

another guess the weight

and height contest.

i’ll send a prize

(a copy of my current fav. album or book, maybe both)

to the person who

gets closest

to the actual height/weight

without going over.

you have until 11:59pm (pacific time) friday, january 9th.

to get your guess in.

in the mean time, here’s a little help…

last check-up she

was 24.5 inches tall

and weighed 13 lbs, 13 oz.

(most recent growth chart below):

(sorry for the lack of metric conversion…international readers using the metric system can submit your guesses in metric units and i’ll convert them).

so get your guesses in…

we’re off to the doctor’s office.

tuesday the 30th.

madeline awake, on her

hands and knees

in her crib,

just waiting for me

to wake up

and play with her.

we spent some time

together, just the

two of us,

before i had

to leave for the airport.

then it was

time to bring her

out to the living

room so the

g. grandparents could

watch her while

i showered.

looking forward to

getting away,

but a lot sad,

and wracked

with guilt that

i’ll be leaving her

behind for three nights.

especially now.

so many things

happening in her life…

the hand waves

are almost fully developed,

so goodbye will be

tough for me.

she’s as close to

crawling these days

as i am to crying everyday.

she has a tooth.

it’s not visible yet,

but i can feel it.

it will be out

by the time

i get back.

she has already

been on ice skates,

so three nights

away may find her,

a mouthful of teeth,

parachuting from an

airplane, waving

at the people on

the ground.

i’m afraid that

i’m gonna miss

all of this.

and then what?

neither parent was

around to see these

important milestones.

fuck.

other parents tell me

that the guilt

is natural and

ever present,

unless you’re with your

child 24 hours a day.

they’re right.

in the shower

i thought i

should cancel the trip.

but i know

i can’t.

and i shouldn’t.

i need the recharge

to be the best

father i can be.

besides, i think

her grandparents would

all like a little

alone time with the

kid, free of my

child-raising appraisals…

“you put the diaper on backwards!”

“15 licks to the face from the dog? that’s more than enough.”

“those bloomers don’t match her outfit!”

(i sometimes forget that they all raised happy, healthy, successful children).

anyway, i was clean

and ready to go.

grandpa tom l. arrived

to pick up

maddy and drive me

to the airport.

i hung out with

her for a few

more minutes

before she got bundled

up and placed

in her car seat.

we made it to

the airport and

i kissed maddy

goodbye, knowing that

i’d be returning to

a very different kid

when i get back

on friday.

sat down at the

airport and started

reading a book.

haven’t done this in

a long time.

feels weird to be

alone in the

airport, carrying only

my camera bag.

no diaper bag,

no child.

i don’t like it.

soon enough i was

on the plane and

1.5 hours later

on the ground

in the city i

used to call home.

the city of chicago.

lived here for a little

less than two years,

right after college,

while i was

in graduate school.

not sure why

i ended up here now.

i knew i needed

to be away from

our hometowns

over new year’s eve,

but i had kinda forgotten

that chicago was

another place that

held a lot

of memories.

this all hit me

as i rushed past

a family on the

way to catch

the train into the city.

“that man looks like he knows where he’s going!”

the mother said.

“i have no idea where the fuck i’m going.”

i imagined myself

saying, but i knew

she would

take it literally.

i know how to

take the train

into the city.

i know how to

get to my hotel.

but as a new

year approaches,

i have no idea

where the fuck

i’m going.

it was great to

be back on

the train again,

but the actual

memories started flooding back.

i remembered countless

trips to the airports

to pick

liz

up when she

flew into town.

she was working

for the consulting

firm at the time

and after working

out of town

all week,

she was able to

spend her weekends

anywhere she wanted.

most of those

weekends were spent

with me,

here in this city,

riding the train.

there are almost

no photos of

our time here.

i didn’t have a

camera back then

and didn’t give

a shit about

taking photos.

big mistake.

i tried to

shake the memories

as the train entered

the tunnel into

the city.

i was happy that

my hotel was

downtown and nowhere

near the two

apartments i had

on the north side

of town.

fewer kicks to

the nuts.

rode the elevator

up to the 17th floor,

dropped my shit

off in my room,

grabbed my camera

and headed

out for a walk.

all the streets

were familiar to me,

walked across michigan ave.

to rush, then

over to illinois st.

and under the tracks

to one of

my favorite places

in town.

i spent about

an hour tearing

through the records,

trying to find

the ones i needed

to help me forget.

(some people use lots of booze or drugs, i use music).

i bought way

too many

(sign of a true junkie).

i stepped outside,

called my dad

for a maddy update.

learned that she

was happy as hell.

not surprised.

just missing her a lot.

finished the call

then headed up wabash

and up to the river.

i remembered the time

liz

came into town

for st. patrick’s day.

we took the train

into the city.

freezing our asses

off, we

walked to the

river, watching that

little boat go

out to the

lake and back,

trailing green dye

behind it.

we laughed at

(not with)

all the drunken

frat assholes wandering

the streets in

tall green hats and

no shirts, ending up

at the parade.

***back to reality***

i wish she

were here again,

so i could say,

“do you remember how much that day sucked?”

she would have

laughed and said,

“it wasn’t that bad.”

(that woman was always an optimist).

i stopped

to look at a

couple of my

favorite buildings in

the entire city

then walked

across the bridge

over the river,

and walked back

to michigan ave.

i stopped in

a store to

buy some sweaters.

it was nice

tonight, but it

was supposed to

get a lot

colder tomorrow.

i walked back to

the hotel room,

grabbed my book

and spent the rest

of the evening

at the bar on

the top floor,

ordering items

from the menu

i would normally never eat,

drinking beer,

finishing one book

and starting another.

the bar closed,

i took at nap,

and got a call

from deb and lindsay.

they made it

to town and

were ready

to go out for a bit.

i met them

at the train station

and headed to

an irish pub with

a wood floor

that smelled of 80+ years

of beer and vomit.

lovely.

had a nice time

then found a place to

eat at 4:00am.

asleep by 6:00am.

up and out

of bed by 9:00.

31st.

last day of the year.

i wonder how

it’s gonna feel,

leaving this one behind?

probably not as good

as i hoped.

got cleaned up and

out of the

shower in time

to get a call

from lauren,

letting my know that

she arrived in town.

we met up and

took a long

walk around the city,

snapping some

photos along the way.

it was cold.

really cold.

and for the first

time in a

long time i had

to take off

liz’s

rings so i could

wear some gloves.

i put them

in my camera bag,

imagining what i

would do if

i forgot the

bag somewhere.

then i called my

mom to see how

madeline was doing.

“great!”

she said.

“her first tooth is through the surface and a second tooth is close to breaking through.”

“seriously?

i said.

we talked

a little longer

and hung up the phone.

i shook my

head in disappointment

as i

walked past the

building i used

to work in.

we eventually ended

up at the giant

silver thing in

millennium park.

from there we

stopped for a little

lunch and later

a trip to another

record store.

we kept walking,

and found ourselves

near the tallest building

in the chicago.

neither of us

had ever been to

the top, so

we stood in line

and got a

warning before

buying our tickets.

overheard a guy

stop a couple, who

couldn’t afford the

admission fee, from

leaving by offering

to pay for their tickets.

i’m always amazed

by the kindness of

total strangers.

we made it to

the top and

got an awesome

view of the city.

as i walked

around, i stopped

to check if

liz’s

rings were still

in the bag.

of course they were.

but i couldn’t

help being a little

obsessive about them.

(it wasn’t the first or last time i checked on them that day).

after the trip

to the big building,

we headed back to

our hotel rooms

and i took a

3-hour, uninterrupted nap

for the first time

in forever.

woke up in time

to meet lauren

in the lobby

and head

north on the train

to a neighborhood

that i used

to visit quite frequently.

we met up

with deb and lindsay

at a mexican restaurant

then headed to

our new year’s eve event…

the sea and cake

playing at a little place

i spent a

few nights in.

liz

was here with

me a few times.

she sometimes hated

going with me

to concerts in

standing-room only,

small venues ’cause,

as she put it,

“i hate staring at some tall guy’s ass all night! plus people always spill their drinks on me!”

i never understood

this until she

made me duck down

a foot to

her eye level.

yes.

the whole thing

made perfect sense then.

but this place…

she loved this place

’cause they allow

people to stand

on the bench seats

running the length

of the room,

on the left and right

sides of the stage.

from that vantage

point, a woman,

4’11″ tall, could

see everything…

except some tall

guy’s ass.

and not once was

a drink poured down

her back.

weird.

i didn’t

remember this

until after the opener

had finished playing

and we walked

into the main room

to see the headliner play.

we had been in

the front room,

talking to lauren,

deb, lindsay and

lindsay’s friend, chris,

who decided to

join us at the

last minute.

the show was

really fucking good…

the band paused

at midnight

to let us know

that a new

year had begun.

great.

let’s hope it’s

better than

the last one

was all i

could think to

myself as we

all knocked our

drinks together.

the show ended,

we said goodnight to

chris and the rest

of us went to

a diner down the

street, a place

i used to visit

when i needed

a late-night meal.

we ate fast and

went back

to our respective places.

what a great day…

photo walk around

the city with

a good friend

and a show by one

of my fav. bands,

surrounded by friends

and family.

can’t beat that

kind of day.

i fell asleep

around 6:00am,

thinking just that.

first day of 2009.

i woke up at 9:00

and nothing felt different.

i had a headache,

but nothing had

fundamentally changed

in my life.

i got ready,

and met lauren

downstairs so we could

head out for brunch.

i stopped along

the way and bought

a few things

for me, and a

little gift for madeline.

then we were off

to brunch.

food was great,

so was the tea,

but the hung-over

frat guys were

annoying as they

hit on our

hung-over waitress.

after brunch it

was time for another

photo walk.

we went through

the underpass off

of michigan ave

and ended up in

a park staring at

the place where

i would end

up later that evening.

we crossed under

lakeshore drive and

stood on the beach,

freezing our

asses off.

the sand blew

over the snow,

creating a really

odd looking set

of footprints.

it got colder

and colder

and eventually it

was time to retreat

to some place

with heat.

went back to the

hotel long enough

to put on another

sweater, then headed

out to meet up

with alaina s. (aka ms. single mama)

at the bar mentioned

in the book

that i finished

on tuesday.

i called

liz’s

parents along the

way, to check in on

my baby.

once again, the reports

came back positively,

which made me smile.

alaina found me

waiting for her

outside the bar.

we had a drink,

a snack and

a great conversation

about what it’s

like raising a

child alone, and

of course, what it’s

like to write about it.

from there we went

to the top

of one of the

other tall buildings

downtown, and took

in the view

of the city at night.

later we met up

with lauren for

a drink,

before heading out to

meet up with

alaina’s friend, luke

and later, jess (aka sassafrass)

luke and i

had the honor

of riding in

the back seat of

jess’s car.

we ended up at

a little place up

the street where

we could discuss the

joys of single parenting.

luke was bored

to tears

(i think).

later, jess dropped us

near the train station,

and alaina and

i had a later dinner

at the same cafe

i stopped in

18 hours earlier.

we talked for

a bit about loss,

then headed back

toward our

respective hotels.

i was asleep by 1:00am.

and it was great.

another fun day.

escape is possible,

or so it seems.

friday.

two days into

2009 now.

the morning started

off well.

met up with alaina

in the restaurant

of my hotel

so she could

conduct a video

interview with me.

she thought it

would be good for

the strangers who read

the blog to hear

me talk about the blog.

lauren joined us

during the interview

and had to listen

to me ramble for

far too long.

after a few cups

of tea, we said

goodbye to alaina,

and headed out

for a short walk

before our flights.

we took

a few more photos

(you can find’s lauren’s version of the trip here).

then met up

with a widow

i’ve been talking

to for a few months.

i met her

children and talked

to her for awhile

about the shit

we’ve been dealing

with since

she lost her

husband

and i lost my

wife.

it’s always nice to

connect with someone

who fucking gets

it.

it was time for

her to buy

a doll for one

of her girls,

and it was time for

us to get some

lunch, so she gave

me a few gifts

for madeline, we

said goodbye and

lauren and i were on

our way.

we walked back up

michigan ave.

and found a place

for lunch.

we then headed back

to pick up

our luggage.

cab to the airport,

a short wait

and a goodbye later,

i was on the flight

and asleep before

we took off.

i woke up

in the mpls,

excited as hell

’cause the g. grandparents

were picking me,

and maddy was gonna

be with them.

i stood near baggage

claim, waiting to

see how madeline

would react to

seeing me.

i’m not positive what

this reaction meant,

but you can judge

for yourself.

i just know

that i was thrilled

to see her.

we waited for

my luggage

to arrive…

and after everyone

from my flight

had gone,

we were still

standing there…waiting.

grandpa tom g.

marveled at how

calm i was about

the whole thing.

and if thought about

it then, i would have

marveled at my

behavior as well.

a year ago

i would have

been pissed off,

worried that i

would never see my

stuff again.

but after the

2008 i had,

shit like

this just doesn’t

bother me anymore.

then i thought about

august 2005.

we were flying

through the nyc

on our way

to greece for

our honeymoon.

the airline lost

our luggage.

we both were a

little pissed, but

the next morning we

made the most

of it, going on

a nice shopping spree

with the money promised

to us by an

overly generous

airline employee.

it was the

best shopping trip

i ever had with

liz.

***back to reality***

from the airport

we drove back

to the house of the

g. grandparents,

stopping long enough

to drop my bags

and say hello to deb

and lindsay

(who just arrived from their long drive back from chicago).

i said goodbye

to everyone and

i drove down

to the mpls

to pick up

aj, sonja and emilia

for dinner at

a thai restaurant.

i can’t begin

to tell you

how much fun it

is to be with

these people…

after dinner

we went back to

their house.

sonja fed emilia

and maddy passed out,

giving aj and i

a bunch of time

to make some

changes to the blog.

they were a bit

over due.

i thought we could

use a new

look for a new year.

many hours

later, i moved maddy

from crib to

snowsuit to carseat,

drove back to

liz’s

parent’s house,

pulled her

ouf of the car,

put her into pajamas

then into her crib…

all without her

waking up.

(yes…she is amazing).

i fell asleep

around 5:00,

content to be

back with my

baby again.

third day of jan.

big day planned.

sent deb off

to the airport,

letting maddy

ride along so they

could say goodbye.

i spent the morning

with creepy rachel,

taking care of

some business for

the non-profit we’re

working on getting started

in honor of

liz.

lots of details

coming your way

soon enough…

we may even

need your help.

later, i picked maddy up

and headed back

to the mpls,

picking up my fav.

friend-family,

for our trip

to the mia

and a visit to

the exhibit on indian

photography and film.

we found nate

in the parking lot

as we made our

way inside.

then we found lindsay

as we paid for

our tickets.

we walked through

the museum

and headed straight

for the exhibit

we wanted to see.

had a lovely

time checking out

the artwork,

but soon enough

it was time

for a diaper change.

found the nearest restroom

and remembered that

they don’t have

changing tables in them.

(wish i would have known about that family room…where were you when i needed you, em?).

i did my best

with what i

had available…

everything went great.

later we caught up

with the rest

of the group,

and i caught maddy’s

eyes wandering in

a place they

shouldn’t have been.

attention diverted,

we found our way

to a more kid-friendly

area of the museum

(yay! horsies!).

the dads and

their girls posed

for a few photos

then we were

off toward the exit.

something caught my

eye, but something

else caught madeline’s

i handed maddy

over to sonja

and skated across

the street to

get the car.

we all drove

a little ways

and had dinner

at the indian/nepalese restaurant

on hennepin ave.

maddy and emilia slept

while we ordered

our food.

of course

my child woke up

as soon

as the appetizers

were dropped off.

dinner arrived

and i shared a

little rice with maddy.

then i demonstrated

to the table the

technique i developed

for having a peaceful

meal, one without

a grabby child

reaching for

everything near her.

in his position,

she can’t get

at the things

on the table,

but she can do this:

which may be

way worse than

knocking over my

glass of water.

then we played

her favorite game

and she said thanks

in her own special way

(that would be madeline, spitting in my face).

after a few

cups of tea,

we were out the

door and on our

way to our

next adventure.

we dropped off our

friends, knowing that

we’ll see them again soon,

then drove to the

st. paul to meet

up with our friend, kim.

we had a cup

of tea and talked

about the pain

of facing life

without the ones

we love.

not always the

happiest conversation

to have, but one

that’s necessary.

we said goodbye

and drove on the

icy roads back

to the mtka.

maddy was asleep when

we arrived,

and remained so

as i placed her in

her crib.

i spent the night

writing instead

of packing,

and finally went

to sleep around 4:30.

a few hours

later, i was up

ready to face the

4th day of 2009.

time to pack,

and get out the

door for our flight.

maddy spent the

last few moments with

liz’s

parents while

i got our stuff together.

grandma broccoli and

her broken wrist arrived

to take us to

the airport.

i thanked the g. grandparents

and headed off to

our flight.

found out when

we got there that

it was delayed for

1.5 hours, but

we made the best

of it by having

a little lunch

and making friends

with all the

people waiting for their flights.

we got on

the plane and after we

got high enough,

maddy kicked me out

of my seat.

i stood in the aisle,

watching her try

to eat the seatbelt

until she got so

tired she could

barely stay awake.

i put her on

my lap and we

both passed out

until we touched

down the los angeles.

our ride got us

home rather quickly

and we spent

the evening playing

with her new toys until

she fell asleep.

as i watched

her sleep, i

thought about

that quote i read

in that book

earlier today…

“you couldn’t just get on a plane and expect everything to be different.”

he was right.

nothing is different,

at least not

the stuff i’ve been

flying away from.

but what is different

is how i feel

when i’m around madeline.

the pain is lessened

when she’s here

with me.

3 nights without

her really drove

that point home for me.

then i thought

about c.m.

and after disagreeing

with him at

the beginning of

our trip,

i finally agreed that,

gee, it’s good

to be back home.

as i finished writing this

tonight, i came

across a photo of

liz.

(photo taken during a truly magical stay in delhi, india).

it was marked “private”

on my photo sharing site.

i didn’t think

that was fair

so i changed it.