before we count

another 25th off

of the calendar.

my child,

the person

who has helped me

through, has

made me me,

has made me whole,

she needed me

last saturday.

…

we have these buttons,

buttons with

her mom’s

face on them.

on the button

is a photo

i took back in 2006,

while we were

in india,

near the tomb

of a south indian hero.

…

last saturday.

maddy was inside her

mom’s

jewelry box

as she often is,

her hands running

along the beaded necklaces,

the watches, with batteries

long since dead,

slipped over her

tiny wrist,

hanging loosely until

she moves on to

the earrings or

the bracelets.

boxes were opened.

drawstrings on

tiny bags loosened.

the case that still

holds a pair of

liz’s

glasses…

the sound

of the hinges

creaking open, and

the case snapping shut.

(i kept waiting for the usual howl from maddy that comes when she pinches her fingers in the damn thing, but it didn’t happen this time.)

all of these things

that belonged to

liz

now belong to

maddy…

she knows that

she can look at them,

touch them, wear them.

and just feel.

anytime she wants.

but i had no

idea just how connected

she would be to these things.

at least not yet.

…

one week + one day

before we celebrate

another 24th.

we decided that

one of the buttons with

liz’s

photo should be

attached to one of

her teddy bears.

as we drove away

from our house

and toward a birthday

party for one of

her dearest friends,

i heard maddy sniffling

in the backseat.

i glanced in the

rearview mirror,

but that wasn’t enough.

what i saw

was not something

i wanted to

look at as a reflection;

it was something i

had to really see.

i turned my head,

and in that moment

i saw

the most genuinely

sad look i’ve ever

seen on her face.

not the fake

sad face she makes

when it’s time

for bed,

nor the one she makes

when i cut her off

at 5 jellybeans.

this look…

there’s no

way to adequately describe

what i saw.

i just know that

i never, ever want

to see that look again,

(but the fact is, i know i will.)

in her lap

was the teddy bear

with the button

pinned to its chest.

i asked,

“what’s wrong?”

not knowing the

answer, but knowing

it was going

to be something

that would fucking gut me,

because she doesn’t

often spontaneously burst

into tears.

“i can’t find mommy liz’s earrings.”

“maddy. what are you talking about? which earrings?”

“the earrings from the button. the gold ones. i looked in the jewelry box and i couldn’t find them.”

tears.

hers, mine…

the gulf between

us at that moment

was immense,

but i reached

back and put my

hand on her leg,

squeezing a little

harder than normal

because i thought

she needed that.

fuck. fuck. fuck.

the photo button.

the things inside

the jewelry box.

how in the hell

did she make the connection?

i guess i never had.

i never looked

at that photo

(it happens to be one of my favorites and i look at it often)

and thought,

“i need to find those earrings.”

but maddy…

she did.

“maddy. i don’t know where they are.”

(i should have used a little compassionate deception here, but i wasn’t thinking straight.

“they may be gone.”

her tears.

mine.

harder now.

“where are they?”

i told her about

the burglary that

happened in our home

when she was still

the size of some

small vegetable inside of

her mom.

i told her that

a lot of stuff was

taken that day.

cameras, a computer.

and jewelry.

almost all of

her mom’s

jewelry.

what’s left is

what’s in that jewelry box.

and i told her

again the story

of how i promised

her mom

i would replace it all,

and how i’ve

kept that promise

even though

she

is

gone,

and that i kept

that promise for

maddy,

for

liz.

she was destroyed.

this piece…

this piece of her mom,

the first

that she has truly connected

to, the first she has

reached for,

the first she

didn’t find.

her tears,

mine.

i told her that

i would search

for the earrings

when we got home.

that maybe…somehow

she missed them.

and if they weren’t

in the box,

maybe they were

someplace else.

i knew i would tear everything

apart, just for

the chance to

pull them closer together.

…

later that night,

with maddy tucked into

her bed,

i went into my room,

turned the key in

the lock and slowly

opened the jewelry box,

my breathing deep,

a conscious effort to

slow down the

heart that felt like

it was going to pound

its way through my chest.

i scanned the box,

button in hand,

eyes darting between

it and

liz’s and maddy’s

treasures,

trying to find

that connection.

i dropped to my

knees, searching

at a new eye level.

i slid the bracelets,

watches and earrings

back and forth along

the horizontal bar,

hoping that maddy had

somehow missed them.

and suddenly…

there they were.

they were unmistakable.

the round hoops,

gold in color,

they had been covered

by another, much larger

pair of earrings.

in one motion,

i slid all of the

earrings off of the

bar and into

my hand.

4 pair dropped.

then the 5th.

i grabbed them

from my left hand

and squeezed them

with my right.

this.

this changed my whole world.

…

the next morning

i went into

maddy’s room

as she was waking up.

i sat down on

the edge of her

bed and asked

(as i do every morning)

“what did you dream about?”

“i had a dream about sharks living in a pool in a front yard. and i had a dream about mommy liz.”

i hugged her.

and then i told her.

“maddy. i found the earrings.”

and in that moment

i saw

the most genuinely

happy smile i’ve ever

seen on her face.

not the smile she flashes

when she gets to stay

up late,

nor was it like

the smile she shows

when i relent and give

her a 6th jellybean.

this smile…

there’s no

way to adequately describe

what i saw.

i just know that

i want to see it

for the

rest of my life.

(and i know i will.)

(written today, march 24th, 2013 – just after midnight.)

happy birthday, kid.

i loved the hell out of you before i met you:

i loved the hell out of you when i finally did:

i love the hell out of you now:

(and i always will.)

today

i went on my

first date with

liz.

and today,

maddy and i

learned how to ski.

(she’d be pretty fucking proud of us).

maddy up from school.

she was super excited to

show me what she’d made

for me.

i asked,

“what is it?”

“it’s a feather, daddy. no, no. it’s a knife.”

oh.

i thought it looked more

like a prison shank

than a feather.

then yesterday i

dropped her off at

school and before

i could leave she said,

“wait…i want to make you something before you leave.”

(a few seconds of cutting and scribbling later)

she presented me with this:

i asked,

“what is it?”

“daddy, i made you a $100 bill. i drew president obama on it! you can buy me toys with this!

oh. i’m starting to

worry about what they’re

teaching her at this school.

i mean, she’s

clearly pre-planning her

escape from prison

by fashioning

herself a shank,

after having gone to jail for

counterfeiting money

so i can buy her toys.

(i love this kid).

if you’re interested in joining us, here’s the event page with tons of info.

and if you’re really interested in joining us, here’s the registration page. registration begins on january 25th.

(proceeds to benefit the liz logelin foundation)

hope to see you there.

also, next tuesday, january 29th i’ll be in minnesota to speak at the st. paul chamber of commerce meeting.

additional info and registration can be found here.

they were filming a segment for the aol.com series, you’ve got…

and they made this:

(which i really love).

1. for the second year in a row, i’ll be teaming up with the MOMS club of burbank, california to raise funds for the the liz logelin foundation. join us this saturday, decemember 1st from 11:00am to 3:00pm at spiritworks center (260 north pass avenue burbank, ca 91505) for the MOMS club of burbank 2012 holiday boutique.

pick up some gifts for the people in your life, then laugh at me while i wrap the gifts! i’ll also be taking money for baked goods and refreshments while i’m not wrapping so come by and say hello and help support a great cause.

(for a prettier version of the above, download the holiday boutique flyer).

2. speaking of the the liz logelin foundation…by utilizing the combined internet knowledge and cunning wiles of our board member (and my good friend & favorite technology nerd), a.j. colianni, and our executive director, lindsay lewis, we were able to obtain the domain, llf.org! this is a huge coup for us…it may not be apparent to all of you, but take it from me (someone who has lived his entire life with this last name), people have a harder time spelling “logelin” then they do pronouncing it, so being able to tell people to visit “llf.org” instead of “thelizlogelinfoundation.org is going to make our message of hope that much easier to share. (just a note…thelizlogelinfoundation.org is and will still be an active link). and even better, you’ll soon be able to able to email lindsay by sending emails to lindsay (at) llf (dot) org instead of lindsay (at) thelizlogelinfoundation (dot) org.

also, we wanted to say thank you for helping us raise over $6000 during give to the max day on november 15th. we had set a goal of $3000, so we were utterly amazed and thankful to more than double that goal.

3. as some of you know, i filmed an episode of the newly-rebooted ricki lake show. well, i finally have an airdate for the episode…

it will air on wednesday, december 5th. if you’re in the los angeles area, you can see it at 3pm. for those of you not in the los angeles area, click here to find out the time & channel it will air in your city.

4. final order of business…

in my last blog post, i mentioned that i was featured on an episode of the inside acting podcast. i linked to parts 1 & 2, and promised part 3. here it is:

part 3

(and here are part 1 & part 2, just in case you missed them).

that’s it for now…

(oh…and i may have some incredibly awesome news to share on friday. fingers, toes and eyes are crossed until then).

the indonesian translation is published by serambi.

here’s the front cover:

(that photo was edited like crazy…i don’t have cheekbones like that).

and here’s an illustration from inside the book:

it even came with a bookmark!

according to google translation, the title reads:

two kisses for maddy

wait! that’s no fun…

here’s the full google translation of the publisher’s page, just in case you want to read it.

and the microsoft translator (which apparently serves mostly as a warning about using this translator) translates the title like this:

two peck for maddy

here’s the full microsoft translation of the publisher’s page.

so if you’re in indonesia, please go out and pick up the book. as i’ve done for past international versions of two kisses for maddy, the first person to send me a photo of him/her holding the book gets some sort of sweet prize. send your photo to me via twitter, instagram (i’m @mattlogelin both places) or via email: mattandmaddy (at) gmail (dot) com

also, i was recently featured on an episode of the inside acting podcast. no, i have not taken up acting, but i did discuss my life, my book, and of course, what’s it’s like to have my book optioned by lifetime. the interview was cut up into three parts.

part 1 is here.

part 2 is here.

(part 3 will be available next tuesday)

and in lifetime news, the contract is officially signed. what does the mean? i’m not really sure, but from what i understand, it simply means that the writers can get to work on the outline, which will then lead to the screenplay, which hopefully will be loved by lifetime, who will then start casting and filming. the very little i do know about the process is discussed in the podcast linked above, so give it a listen!

and in spite of the difficulty i’ve had personally with certain parts of the process, a few years back i had a very visceral and cerebral experience that confirmed that i would forever be an advocate of organ donation (albeit it a mostly silent one up until now).

i heard from one of the families that benefited from liz’s donation…

up until that moment, i had no idea what happened after the phone call i’d had with the organ donation organization the day after liz died. quite honestly, i didn’t think i would ever want to know what happened, but when the representative from the organ donation group read me the letter from the family, i felt an amazing sense of relief, as if none of this was in vain.

fast forward a few years…

i recently got an email asking if i would be willing to share our family’s experience, in part to honor liz, and also to increase advocacy for organ donation. one of the big ways we would do this is to share our story, and also take part in decorating a floragraph with an image of liz that will be featured on the donate life float during the 2013 rose parade. i was more than honored to do so, and i know that liz would agree with the decision.

so if you’re interested in learning more about the donate life float, you can read the press release here.

you can see the entire list of floragraph honorees here.

and finally, you can read liz’s story here.

i’l be sharing more about this soon…

Don’t Miss the 2012 Celebration of Hope Gala

tickets are on sale now! 

(ticket prices go up Sept 12th)