back on a plane

for the first time

since the end of january.

we haven’t gone

this long without

a trip in a very

long time.

and madeline made that

very obvious.

things started off great.

maddy was entertained

by cinderella on

her ipod

before the plane took off,

then crawled into

my arms for a

nap as we ascended.

we were both

asleep for a few minutes

when i heard the

flight attendant say,

“can i get you a drink?”

it woke me up.

worse?

it woke madeline up.

and that’s when shit

hit the fan.

for the next 40 minutes

or so,

madeline screamed and

cried and kicked

and scratched,

all to the horror

of those around me.

there was nothing

i could do to make

her feel better.

i tried the

glitter-covered princess-themed

pages and the

color wonder markers,

but she threw them

on the ground.

i tried yo gabba gabba,

cinderella, dumbo and snow white.

no.

i tried to show

her the photos

of the dogs in the

skymall magazine.

she tore the pages out.

i pointed out the

clouds that could

be seen out the window

and below the plane.

she didn’t care.

i even tried to

sing her a couple

of songs,

which was probably the

worst idea ever ’cause

i can’t carry a tune.

all she really wanted was

to sleep, and now that

she was awake, sleep

was impossible.

instead, she just went for

ear-splitting screaming.

so not awesome.

sometime during the

audiological torture,

with maddy under the seat

in front of me,

kicking away,

i turned to the people

within earshot and said.

“i’m so sorry. i’ll buy everyone within earshot a drink.”

i got a laugh from

the woman behind me,

but no one else responded.

they must have been

rendered deaf.

i told the flight attendant

the same thing.

she laughed and said,

“no. that’s not necessary.”

i told her,

“no. i’m completely serious. i feel terrible for the people.”

“you’re doing your best,”

she said.

that was nice.

i was doing my

best, but as all

parents know, there are

some moments during which

our children are inconsolable.

and no matter what

you try to do,

you’re just not going

to get your kid

to cooperate.

madeline eventually

morphed back in to

the child with whom

i usually travel,

and we enjoyed the

rest of the flight.

as per long-standing tradition,

liz’s

parents picked us

up from the airport,

and this time

they brought brooke with them.

i can’t tell you

how awesome it is

to have such

an amazing and understanding

set of in-laws.

saturday.

it was the day

that madeline’s mind

would officially be blown,

because that day,

we were going to

see yo gabba gabba live.

grandma broccoli and grandpa rodney

met us at

grandma candee and grandpa tom g.’s house

for a little

play time before heading out.

(grandpa tom l. was on a fishing trip so he couldn’t make it).

soon it was time

to head to the target center…

maddy fell asleep on

the way,

and remained sleeping

as i took her

our of her carseat

and carried her

through the skyway.

she didn’t wake up

until we were already

inside the place, and when

she did, she was

really, really confused.

i could just see

what she was thinking…

“where did all of these kids and adults come from? and why are they all holding yo gabba gabba toys? and why is that little kid dressed up like dj lance?”

i tried to explain

to her what

was going on,

but there was

simply no frame

of reference from

which she could draw.

we found our seats

and our dj lance glasses,

and grandpa rodney

saw local celeb,

wally the beerman

“hey wally! where’s the beer?”

wally laughed and yelled back,

“i had no idea there would be so many parents here! i’ll be back later.”

and that made me laugh.

i envisioned all of

these kids here

without their parents.

holy shit would that have

been insane.

and then i realized just

how necessary that beer

would be for

many of the parents

to get through this event.

with maddy on

my lap,

i got to

experience a

moment of great joy…

the lights went down,

the theme music

started, and i could

feel maddy’s excitement…

she started bouncing

along to the

music, just as she

does when we’re watching

at home.

she looked left

and right, making

contact with all of

us, her eyes saying,

“am i really seeing what i’m seeing? did muno, foofa, toode, brobee, plex and dj lance just walk out of giant tv screen and into my real-life?”

i kinda cried.

there’s nothing like

seeing your

child’s eyes light up

when they see something

that truly amazes them.

the rest of the

show found maddy

jumping from lap to lap

while she watched

the magic happen.

and then

the balloons fell

from the sky…

and then there

was an intermission.

maddy and grandma candee

got a photo

with wally

after he

returned with beer

(rodney kinda felt obligated to buy a beer from him, even though he doesn’t drink).

maddy and every

other person in the

place played with the balloons

intermission ended

and we watched

the rest of the show…

when it was over,

we all agreed that

it was a ton

of fun.

(and that had nothing to do with the beer).

it was just great to

see madeline so happy.

that night maddy

spent the evening

with grandma broccoli and

grandpa rodney

while brooke and

i headed to

nate’s house

for a bit of his

amazing cooking.

we enjoyed some wine

with dinner, then some dessert,

and finally some music.

aj joined us for

a bit, but

couldn’t stay

as long as we had hoped.

sunday.

picked maddy up

from grandma and grandpa’s house

and went on

a short shopping trip.

bought a couple

of dresses for

my little lady

then we headed

to brooke’s parent’s house

for an afternoon of fun.

all of the grandparents

joined us

so they could

meet brooke’s family

and eat some

food that one

could only be imported

from wisconsin.

had one hell

of a good time

with everyone…

that night i took

brooke to a concert,

to see someone

whose music i’ve

enjoyed for over 13 years.

she actually enjoyed it.

monday.

went to get my

taxes done.

then spent the

afternoon playing

with madeline.

last night was dinner

at aj and sonja’s house.

alway great to

see them.

i’ll be using the rest

of this week

to get some work done

before we head

to paris on friday

to celebrate madeline’s birthday.

i’ll be sending

updates and photos

from the trip

as time allows.

finally…

i’ve been getting

a lot of e-mails

lately asking if folks

can send madeline

a birthday gift.

i am incredibly touched

and thankful for

your thoughtfulness,

but i ask that you

instead consider donating

to the liz logelin foundation

so that we can

continue to help

families in similar situations.

any amount makes a huge difference.

so far we’ve sent

money to 36 families,

and we are currently

on target to send

financial assistance to

a new family each month.

(we’ll soon be sending out a press release with lots of information).

thank you…

went to maddy’s daycare

to pick her up,

and i found her

and a boy,

sitting on the floor,

listening intently as one

of the daycare workers

read them a story.

madeline turned her

head when she heard

my footsteps behind her

“daddy! sit! daddy! sit!”

she said, as she

patted the ground next

to her.

i sat down and

waited until the

last page was turned.

then we sat through

it two more times

when the daycare employee

indicated that reading time

was over, maddy grabbed

the book from him

and returned it

to the bookshelf.

i was so proud to

see her so patient

and so quick to

clean up.

as she headed to the

the bookshelf, the daycare

employee said,

“she’s so great during story time; she always sits here without moving. but in circle time, when it’s time to sing and dance, she doesn’t participate.”

“really? she sings in the car and dances at home all the time.”

“yeah. she likes to stand outside of the circle and watch the rest of the kids.”

“what kind of music are you playing and singing?”

before he could

answer the

question, i realized

what the problem was…

i have created

a music snob.

i saw her going

down this road,

so in the past

few months

i’ve introduced some

kids music into her

life, mostly via

yo gabba gabba

and classic disney films,

(i’ve been buying lots of soundtracks for her lately)

but damn.

my kid is so much

like me.

i can just see her

standing outside the

circle thinking,

“damn. this music sucks, and there’s no way i’m gonna dance to it.”

looks like i’m gonna

have to further curb

the depressing indie shit

when she’s around.

friday night we

listened to some happier

indie shit,

and played with her train set.

then she demonstrated

how well she

can clean up her toys.

this weekend our

friends mark, jeffra

and mckenna came

into town for a visit.

before they got to

the house on saturday afternoon,

i decided

(against my best judgement)

to trim maddy’s hair.

she’s been long

overdue for a

haircut, and for the

past two weeks she’s

been trying hard

to look through her bangs

to see the world

around her.

so on saturday morning

i could handle it

no longer.

i convinced her to sit

still long enough

for me to make

an attempt at

helping her see.

as i went in

for the first cut,

i thought,

“this is a really bad idea.”

i put the scissors to

her hair, just above

her eyebrows, then for some

reason i worried about

poking out her eyes,

so i moved the scissors

up another quarter inch.

and then i cut.

and she moved.

and my heart sunk.

crooked, jagged, uneven, rough

or a couple

other synonyms that

would describe her

hair, but i can

sum things up and

tell you that

i fucked up.

but i wasn’t done.

no.

i decided i should

try to even them out.

so i tried.

and i made things worse.

so much worse.

now every time i

look at her

i see my failure

as a father.

but there’s lots of

good news…

1. it’s just hair and it will grow back (eventually).

2. she won’t remember this.

3. she’s too young to be made fun of, so there should be no lasting psychological damage.

4. she now looks like many of the hipster women in our part of town.

5. the hair clips help to conceal the damage.

mark and jeffra

were speechless when

they arrived, and i

removed the clips from

her hair.

i told them

not to bring it

up the rest of the weekend.

we decided to

head down to the

aquarium in long beach

so the girls could

have some fun.

the girls had a

spent the afternoon

looking at the sea creatures

and madeline kept

touching her head

to make sure i

hadn’t cut any more hair.

the rain stopped,

so we went outside

and walked through

the lorikeet forest

where jeffra and mark

fed the birds

i decided against

feeding them

because i’d been here

before and i know

how nasty those

little bastards can be.

after joking all

day about a birdemic,

mark experienced one

of his own,

getting attacked by

a lorikeet that actually

took a chunk

out of his arm

and his ear.

enough of that.

after a walk through

the rest of the

aquarium, we drove

back to the house,

where jeffra stayed home

with the girls

and mark and i

went downtown

to see a show.

(got some tickets at the door…the ones i bought never arrived).

had a nice night

in a beautiful venue,

listening to the la philharmonic

play some great selections

that fit surprising

well with the

music of the dirty projectors.

got home earlier

than i expected,

said goodbye to

our friends and

spent the rest of

the night writing.

sunday, a beautiful

southern california day

that demanded we

spend it outside.

we settled on one

of our favorite spots

in the area,

a place where the

girls could splash

and run wild.

maddy picked some flowers

then came close

to passing out

from exhaustion.

that night i cooked

dinner for our guests

then sent them

on their way with

some music and

some candy.

i continued my

quest to finish

my book as

madeline slept.

before i went to

bed, i quietly opened

her door to

check in on her.

it’s not something i

normally do, but

that night i needed it.

there she was,

on her stomach,

sleeping next to her

favorite plush toys.

it was well after 4:00am,

and i knew that

she would be up

in three or four hours.

but no matter how little

sleep i get,

there’s nothing better

than waking up

to her yelling, “daddy! daddy!”

now if only her

bangs would grow out.

anyway…

i figured everyone

could use a distraction,

so here’s

what’s been going on

in los angeles.

with my nasty cold

still hanging on,

i woke up early

on saturday morning and

started cleaning, while

maddy did her best

to make sure

there was plenty

for me to clean up…

she smashed

a pictured frame,

sending shards of glass

all over the floor,

knocked over a

stack of books,

and then did this:

but to her credit

she cleaned it up.

after each destructive

act, i would hear

the sweetest little

voice saying, “uh oh!”

(i’m still trying to explain to her that she can’t say, “uh oh!” after a premeditated act).

later we went

to a charity

event put on

by one of our favorite people,

for our second

favorite charity,

which was started

by one of our

favorite families.

we got to meet

little annie,

who slept the entire time.

i know that

doesn’t sound

like an amazing feat

for a baby who’s a

month old, but if

you could have heard

these three ladies

trading screams of joy,

you’d understand

that this child achieved

the impossible.

(and i’m proud (?) to say that maddy won the screaming contest).

madeline had a

ton of fun climbing

on the furniture,

playing with the toys,

and running through the store.

she also really enjoyed

throwing things on

the floor, and spitting

out her water.

(sorry, was too busy trying to clean up after her to get any photos).

that night we

worked on her language development.

sunday was a day

of obsessive hand

washing for madeline,

dinner with some

old and creepy friends,

and a ton of

writing for me.

we’re halfway through the

week, and she’s

in daycare, while

i listen to

some new music,

some old stuff),

and write.

tonight i have to

take a short break

from writing so

that i can talk to

the rest of the

board members of

my favorite non-profit

about distribution of funds

and other fun stuff.

hopefully maddy will

be entertained by yo gabba gabba

while i’m on the call,

because there are no picture

frames within her reach,

and the door to

the bathroom will

be closed.

my life,

before, during and after

my time with

liz.

and since she died,

it’s been my friends

and family and stranger friends

and music and books and

travel and writing and

memories and photography

and baseball and cheeseburgers

and beer and this blog

and countless other things

that have all been

huge sources

of happiness for me.

and then there’s madeline.

what can i say about

her now that

i don’t think every second,

that i don’t write down

whenever i can,

that i don’t capture

on virtual film

every day?

well, she’s been

my biggest source of

happiness since

liz

died, my reason for

getting out of bed

in the morning,

the reason

i can pull myself

together after

finding a long lost

photo of

liz

in a box in our garage,

the reason i haven’t

fled the country

with just my ipod and wallet.

madeline is my everything.

without her, i would be nowhere,

but with her

i am here.

and now.

there’s another source of

happiness in my life.

her name is brooke.

and we’re dating.

if you’ve looked

at my flickr photostream

lately, that

may be rather obvious.

it’s weird how

things like this

can sneak up

on you,

but i’m happy it did.

we met briefly

last september,

a five minute conversation

that found me

teasing her

(that should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me).

we hung

out a couple of

times at the end of november.

and in december,

when maddy and i

were in mn for

the holidays,

we spent even more time together.

and now,

she’s been out to

los angeles to visit

us twice since

we returned here at the

end of january.

she makes me smile,

and maddy

really loves her.

how do i know?

because madeline hates

most women, yet

she lets brooke do

her hair without

putting up a fight.

but this…

this relationship,

it’s something i’ve

been reluctant to talk about.

why?

because it’s hard

enough to discuss this

with my friends

and family, face-to-face,

let alone

with strangers

on my blog.

plus, i’m pretty

sure this is gonna

change the way

that some people view me.

there’s a line in

this song

conveys my feelings

better than i could.

and widows and widowers,

the people that

i’ve committed to helping,

both through my words

and through the foundation

i started in

liz’s

name, may think

i no longer “get” them.

i assure you,

i do.

finding another source

of happiness does

not mean that i

have moved

past the pain,

’cause i still feel

that pain on a daily basis.

and this doesn’t mean

that i have replaced

liz.

the way i look at

things is that when

liz

died, i died.

but i was reincarnated

a moment later,

and i’m

lucky enough

to have the memories

of my previous

life still with me.

these memories,

both good

and bad,

come to play in my

everyday life,

and it’s these memories

that will keep

liz

alive for madeline.

she will know

her mother through

my memories of her,

through the photographs

i’ve taken,

through the family and

friends that i

hold dear,

and it’s these people who will

remain in her life,

and my life forever.

and i see this

whole thing

as an evolutionary process,

a process that has

me moving through,

not moving on,

because moving on

is impossible.

but happiness…

it’s been here the

whole time,

even in my darkest,

most fucked-up

moments, yes, there

has been happiness.

and with brooke

now in our lives,

there’s even more happiness.

and i don’t see

how that

could be anything

but positive.

(here are some photos of the last week).

back in nov. 2009

when we were

in nepal.

it’s been on the

blog since then, it’s

just been sort of hidden.

(yeah…there are some easter eggs on my blog).

some of you

found it, but now

that i’m further

away from the moment,

i figured

everyone else may as

well see it.

i haven’t read it,

and i don’t remember

all of the

words that i wrote,

but i know

it’s about death,

so you may want to

avoid it.

fuck.

i don’t know.

maybe you’ll want to

read it.

hope that’s sufficient warning.

do what you will.

here it is.

in los angeles after

a little over a month

in various places,

and we’re settling into

our routine.

what have we been doing?

a lot.

we’ve had lots

of play time

some cleaning

and a lot

of talking…

maddy is back at

daycare, which has

been good for her,

but it has been

tough for me.

last week, when i

arrived to pick her

up, she looked

at me from her little chair,

her chest up against

the table, tomato sauce

all over her

face and sweatshirt,

a couple

of noodles hanging from

the right corner

of her mouth, and a

huge, pursed-lip smile on

her face.

she dropped her

fork and yelled,

“daddy! daddy!”

it was such

a great feeling,

because while we

were in mn, the bahamas

and mexico, she

learned that she

could get my attention by

yelling, “matt! matt!”

(because that’s how almost everyone else addresses me)

and i’ve spent the

last few weeks

trying to convince

her that she has been

calling me by the

wrong name

(it seems that i’ve succeeded for now).

i hunched down,

trying to get to

her level as

she tried to push

herself away from

the table, the chair

tipping backwards.

i put my hand on the

back to keep her

from falling over, and helped

slide the chair out from

under the table.

maddy swung her

legs in my direction,

and that’s

when i noticed that

she was wearing

a pair of camouflage pants.

i dressed her that

morning, as i do

every morning,

and i know

that i didn’t

put her in

those pants.

in fact, i buy

most of her

clothes, and i know

that she doesn’t even

own a pair of

camouflage pants.

when she stood up,

it was even more obvious

they weren’t hers,

because they were

way too big for her,

the cuffs rolled up

and the waistband loose

around her waist.

i looked at

one of the daycare

employees and said,

“uh…i don’t think these are her pants.”

he looked at

me with

a perplexed look and said,

“are you sure?”

yeah.

i was pretty sure.

i looked at

all of the kids

sitting around the table,

trying to find

the kid

with jeans that

were a little too short.

and there he was…

maddy’s best buddy,

the little boy

i’m convinced she’ll

be dating when they

hit their teen years

(i can only hope they’ll hold off that long),

the bottom

of maddy’s jeans

falling just below

the middle of his thighs.

pointing at the little

guy, i said,

“i think i found them.”

the daycare guy

laughed a bit,

and offered up an

idea of how the

pants were switched,

something about nap time,

or diaper-changing time

or something like that,

but i wasn’t

really listening…

i was too busy laughing.

speaking of clothes,

this kid of mine

is really getting into them.

she loves hoodies,

yelling at me

to “zip it!” and to

put her hood on,

and she refuses to

take them off

at nap/bed time.

she gets really excited

about wearing shoes,

and every morning she

chooses her

pair for the day.

she even lets

me put clips in her

hair, though

they rarely stay in

longer than 20 minutes.

and me?

well, my final,

and most important

deadline for the

book is coming up

at the beginning of

april, so

i’m working my

ass off to get

it done.

to quote a friend

of mine,

“this writing shit is hard.”

but it’s coming

along quite well,

and i’m excited to

be done.

this weekend…

we spent the

weekend waiting out

the rain,

only to

be rewarded with this:

and the next day

went on a hike

to enjoy

the kind of

los angeles day

we rarely see

(one with clear, smog-free skies).

madeline passed out

when we reached

the bottom of

the hill,

i got a couple

of photos of

her, but this one:

brought back a memory of

this one:

(taken on sept. 14, 2008).

she’s wearing the same glasses

(they now fit a lot better)

and she just happened

to be wearing

green in both photos.

it was a reminder of

just how

far she has come.

and maybe

how far we’ve come.

and tonight,

at the

bottom of a

pair of pajama pants,

were a pair of

shoes that are

a couple of

sizes too big

(she insisted on wearing them),

she sat at her

piano and played me some music.

watching her,

i was

thankful for where

we are.

liz

hated jazz.

i can remember countless evenings…

she would

come home from

work, walk into the

house, hear the screeching,

free-jazz horns of

ayler or late coltrane or brotzmann or vandermark or evan parker

or any of the 700+

jazz records i own,

and (attempt) to

yell over the music,

“turn this shit off!”

but she didn’t just hate

the avant garde shit.

she hated it all.

that never stopped

me from playing it.

but i remember

that one day,

a day that i will

never forget,

when she said to me,

“i really, really like this song.”

i paused the

song and said,

“excuse me?”

she looked at

me with that smirk

that said she

was guilty of something

(i now see that same smirk on maddy’s face every time i catch her coloring on something she shouldn’t be).

“yeah, i know. but i really do like this song.”

i’d been working on

her for 12+ years,

and here it was,

nine days before

she died,

that i actually got

through to her.

we listened to

that song quite a

few times

over the next

nine days.

and when it came

time to

choose music for

her funeral,

i made sure that

this song made the playlist.

why do i write

this today?

because the song

came through

the speakers of my

car minutes after

i dropped maddy

off at daycare.

i haven’t heard it

in at least a

year, but i haven’t

really heard it

since that saturday in march.

that day,

it reminded me

of all of this,

and it made me

appreciate the fact

that we were so different.

and today, stuck behind

the highway patrol car

on the 5 and

then the 134,

i remembered everything

again, and i smiled.

fuck.

i love this song.

14 years ago,

a first date.

a couple of nervous kids,

(well, at least one).

dinner. a walk around

a museum. a movie

that became an

instant favorite.

and finally a stop at

a friend’s birthday party

to show off the

girl i only hoped

i’d be able

to keep around.

now, 14 years later,

i picked our daughter

up a little

earlier than usual,

and took her to

see her favorite movie

on the big screen

at a theater in hollywood.

and i watched her

as she watched it

with excitement,

and i did my

best to hold back

the tears

(i failed)

as she looked over at

me with the

same smile,

those same blue eyes.

and then i

smiled as she said,

“daddy. up!”

telling me that she

wanted to

sit on my lap.

and i laughed

when she reached

into the bucket,

grabbing one kernel of popcorn,

at a time,

shoving each one into

my mouth while yelling

out her rather

inappropriate pronunciation

(“cockcorn”).

and then i remembered

being in this

exact spot, watching

a different movie

a few years ago with

liz.

but the memory

was short lived,

because i felt my

legs getting warm,

the unmistakable feeling of

madeline’s diaper

leaking through

her jeans,

and into mine.

now soaked in

baby piss, i smiled again,

thankful for the

little girl who gets

me through these days.

with the grandparents

at our favorite

restaurant/bar here

in akumal,

madeline acted like

a college-aged dude.

(i’m not sure what to think of this).

i got a call

from my bud, chrissy

who writes the storked! blog

over at glamour,

asking if we

wanted to join her

and her son, jack

on a free disney cruise.

while, i’m not

really a cruise

kind of guy, but

i agreed to go,

because i figured maddy

would love it,

and yeah.

it was free.

besides, i thought it

was pretty cool that

this was the

first cruise for

both of us.

oh.

and did i mention

it was free?

(i think i’ve now satisfied the fcc ).

all i had to

take care of was the

flight, food (when not on the ship),

and booze.

sounded like

a pretty good deal

to me, especially because

we were going to

escape the cold

of mn for sunny

orlando and

the bahamas.

so last wednesday

we went to

the airport,

round trip flight #30

for maddy,

and i watched

as one of my

dreams was finally realized.

as we waited

for our flight,

madeline colored

and i told her

that we were going

on an airplane,

and the next

day we’d be

on a boat.

she repeated,

“aaaaa boat.”

“aaaaa boat.”

“aaaaa boat.”

“aaaaa boat.”

over and over again,

and thanks to

aj, all i

could think about

was this song

(totally nsfw, nsfc, & nsfpwnsh)

anyway.

we got on the

flight and soon

enough we were in orlando.

met up with

chrissy and jack

and made our

way to the hotel

where we’d spend

a night before

heading out for

our cruise.

orlando was cold.

i mean, really cold.

in the thirties.

not what i expected,

but it was

still warmer than mn.

we got settled in,

the went out for

a late lunch.

maddy lost a shoe

somewhere along

the way, which sucked.

she usually yells, “uh oh”

when her shoe

pops off, but this

time she was

a little distracted

and failed to let

me know.

oh well.

after lunch

we all headed to

epcot and froze our

asses off while we

wandered around the park.

it was weird.

i was here a

few years ago with

liz,

when she was working

for disney and was

on a business trip.

we spent a couple

of days at the parks,

and talked about

how much our future

children would someday

love her

because she could

get them into

the parks for free.

…

i picked out these

ears for maddy

but ultimately she

ended up with these:

we caught up with

our friends, danielle

and her husband, robert

and walked with them

for a bit

before saying goodbye

to chrissy and jack

for the night.

maddy ran around

and made lots

of friends at the

bar while danielle, robert

and i had a drink

and talked.

we watched the fireworks,

before deciding it

was too cold

to be outside.

that night maddy

did a lot

of coloring

while i enjoyed some room service.

thursday morning

we had breakfast

with some new friends,

and maddy went from scared

to skeptical

to acceptance

in fewer than 30 mins.

after breakfast we

jumped in a van

and headed to port canaveral.

the kids

talked to each

other and chrissy

and i caught up

on everything

since the last time

we really had

a chance to talk.

as we pulled up to the

port, maddy started in with,

“aaaaa boat”

“aaaaa boat”

all over again,

and i couldn’t

help but laugh.

liz

always talked about

how disney had

efficiency down to

a science, and

she was right.

the check-in process

was way smoother

than i expected,

especially because i

didn’t have any of

my documents with me

(they had been sent to los angeles and we were already in mn when they arrived).

and we were given

a keycard, to be used

to charge

anything on the boat

(and one of the islands).

we arrived in our

room and found

a fruit and cheese plate,

and a bottle of

champagne waiting

for us.

awesome.

we got suited up

for our mandatory

life boat drill,

then headed to

a welcome party.

the kids played on

the deck,

maddy did some dancing,

swept the floor

with her streamers,

then stood on

her head for like,

15 minutes.

after the party

we headed

back to our rooms

so we could

get ready for dinner.

maddy said goodbye

to land

and watched the

sunset from my arms.

we met up

with chrissy and jack

and went off to dinner.

maddy was exhausted

and fell asleep

during the 5 minutes

between ordering and

delivery of her food.

when the adult food

was delivered,

maddy was passed out

in my arms, so

our waiter offered to

cut my steak for me

then fed me

a couple of bites.

maddy woke up after

i had finished

my dessert and chrissy

and jack had

gone back to their room.

the waiter asked me

if he could bring

madeline another meal

to replace the

one she decided not

to eat when she

fell asleep.

that was awesome.

maddy ate the

second meal

then we went to

the theater

for some live entertainment.

maddy doesn’t weigh

quite enough to

keep her seat in place

she clapped along

to the program

and i thought long

and hard about

keeping my cynicism in

check for her.

(i did pretty well).

we were both

a little exhausted

after the performance,

we went back to

the room and

got a little bit of sleep.

friday morning we

woke up

to the sounds of

the boat docking.

first words out of

maddy’s mouth that morning?

you guessed it.

“aaaaa boat”

at least 12 times,

all without

so much as taking

a breath.

man this kid can talk.

we went out to

our deck

and took in the

beautiful sights.

apparently we were

in the bahamas,

docked at the island

of nassau.

pretty cool.

first trip here for

both of us.

i cleaned maddy

up and we

met up with

chrissy and jack

for some breakfast.

i didn’t bring a

stroller with me,

and madeline was less

than interested

in walking on her

own, so i got

a stroller

(available for free for everyone)

from guest services.

we got

off of the ship

and wandered around

nassau for a bit.

later, we hopped in

a cab and

went over to

the atlantis resort.

the kids enjoyed

what turned out to

be a small

part of the aquarium

before we went

out to the beach.

maddy apparently overheard

me when i told

chrissy how much

i wanted a

mobility scooter,

so when i turned

my head she

tried to steal

one for me.

(i love my kid).

maddy fell asleep

as we toured

the rest of the aquarium

and stayed asleep

as we had a

beer on the

steps in front of the fountain.

we made it back

to the ship

before they took off

without us,

got cleaned up

and went to dinner.

maddy enjoyed all

of the theatrics

that happened in

the dining room,

and again, i found

myself checking

my cynical side

at the door.

our kids threw crayons

and food all over

the floor, and

unlike some places

i’ve been,

the waiters didn’t

seem to give a shit.

they just kept smiling,

which is a nice

thing for a

couple of self-concious

single parents with

naughty children

to see.

madeline decided that

she didn’t want to

go to sleep

all that early on

friday night,

so i took her to

to the 9th deck

to take in some

of the activities.

she spent a bunch

of time on my shoulders

then finally got

down and started

drinking,

dancing,

and running.

we both had

a great night

staying up late

and laughing with

one another.

the next morning

we woke up to

grey skies and rain.

and that meant

we weren’t getting off

of the boat.

the crew announced that

the outdoor activities had

been cancelled, and

soon after printed

and distributed a new list of

indoor itineraries for everyone.

we spent the

day running around our cabin

and the

indoor play area

before getting tired

and passing out.

that night

we had another

amazing dinner

and afterwards,

for the first time

on the cruise,

we put the kids

in the day/evening care

facility so we

could have a drink

and watch the football game.

maddy didn’t even say

goodbye as i was

handed a pager

(to be used in case of an emergency or to let you know when they kid was ready to go).

we met up with

some new friends

and spent the night

laughing and talking

about what it’s like

to watch our

children grow up.

picked maddy up

at 10:30 and

we walked around the

ship for a bit

before going back

to our room and sleeping.

when we woke up

on sunday morning

we were already

docked at port canaveral.

we had time to

grab some breakfast

before exiting the

ship and making

our way

back to orlando.

had a nice lunch

at one of the hotels,

and watched as our

kids played with

crayons and cars

and ate popcorn.

(or as maddy put it, “cockcorn”).

the flight home

was lots of fun.

madeline was

overly tired, which

translates to active

as hell.

thanks once again

to our frequent trips,

we were upgraded to

first class,

which pissed off

some dude wearing

a shirt promoting a

las vegas strip club.

wanted to tell the asshole

the same thing

i always think in

my head when someone

complains about my

baby’s behavior

before we’ve even

gotten on the flight…

“she flies all the time, and she’s usually pretty good, but i’m gonna make sure she cries the entire flight, just to piss you off.”

but i didn’t

think he should be

the first person

to actually hear

those words come out

of my mouth

because he looked

like he beats the

shit out of people

every morning just

to feel something.

so i sat

down with her

and tried

to entertain her

with color wonder markers

(love those things, crayola did not pay me to say that, fcc),

and the few toys

we carried with us.

all she wanted

to do was

run up and down

the aisles, knock

on the cockpit door

and talk to

all of the

other passengers

(while i was left to imagine us getting pounced on my an air marshal).

all of the passengers

were more than

happy to engage her,

everyone but the asshole

we’d already encountered.

whatever.

working to our advantage

was the fact that

there were

two very loud

adults in the back

of the first class

section, who shared

their life stories

at volumes more

appropriate for a

loud club.

the flight attendant

and a passenger

told me they were

happy to have

madeline on the flight

because it helped

distract them

from the loud people.

that was nice.

and by the time

the flight landed,

i was exhausted and

my back was

killing me,

and everyone in

first class

(except for you know who)

complimented madeline’s

wonderful behavior

and told me i

was doing a

great job.

what a great

way to end the trip.

so now what?

we’re back in

minnesota until wednesday morning

(oh shit…that’s tomorrow)

when we head down

to mexico with

liz’s

family for our

yearly trip.

can’t wait to get

down there.

maddy will be playing

with the family and

i’ll be sitting

on a swing

at my favorite bar

in the world,

drinking a pacifico or

seven and working

on finishing up

my book.

i couldn’t think

of a more appropriate

place to be.

and this morning

i started planning

maddy’s second

birthday party.

the only thing

set in stone so

far is that on

march 19th

we’re heading

to paris,

a place i haven’t

seen in almost

11 years.

we may do

a bit of traveling from

there, but no

matter what,

i think she’s gonna

have a nice birthday.