“is this the parent of madeline logelin?”

ugh.

i hate when that

call comes in.

immediately i get worried…

my first thought

is always,

is she okay?

did she puke

on some kid

at daycare

or bump her head

on the sidewalk?

i try not to

panic, reassuring myself

that she is fine.

then the ridiculous

comes to mind.

did she start something on

fire at daycare

or steal a record

from the record

store or tag

an underpass with

spray paint?

too early for

most of that,

but i guess i’m

preparing myself for

what could be

the future.

anyway, the phone

call this time

was her doctor’s

office calling to

remind me of her

15-month appointment.

(glad they called…i had totally forgotten about the appointment. i know, i know, i should use the calendar on my blackberry and set a reminder, but i always forget to do so).

so…

on tuesday, we headed

in to see our

friend, dr. h.,

but first, we had

a nurse visit our

room and take

some measurements.

at 15 months and 6 days,

madeline weighed in at

21 pounds, 10 ounces (30th percentile)

and was found to be

30 and 3/8 inches tall (50th percentile).

(that’s 51% of the way to liz’s adult height).

updated growth chat below:

no one guessed

both her height

and weight correctly,

so i guess that means

madeline gets a

new book and record.

back to the visit…

as we waited for

dr. h, i took a

couple of photos:

not long after,

dr. h. arrived

and conducted her exam.

in her words,

“maddy is doing great”

and by extension,

i take that to

mean that i have

still not ruined her.

(yet).

no mention of

her premature birth,

only comparisons to

“regular” 15-month old kids.

awesome.

i asked a few

questions about a

trip i hope to

take with madeline

in the next few months

(this one is gonna require some additional shots).

then dr. h. said

goodbye and we

waited for the

nurse with the

shots to come in…

her visit always

ensures that i

harm my child

psychologically, by

turning from caregiver

to an accomplice in

the delivery of untold pain.

thankfully madeline

is quick to forgive.

and i try to make it

pleasant, hugging her

and holding her

arms at her sides.

(i have to hug her rather tightly, which means i probably am harming her physically),

while whispering to

her about kitty cats,

chirping birds and lollipops,

this also keeps

the nurse from

getting scratched

and slapped,

which i suppose

she appreciates.

the nurse arrived

and i did

exactly what i described

above while she

poked madeline’s right

arm twice, and her

left arm once.

she screamed the

scream that only

comes when she’s

getting shots.

(it’s very distinct and totally unpleasant).

within seconds the

nurses job was done,

and mine was about

to get much

more difficult.

now i have to sit

and rock back and

forth with this

crying, flailing kid who

hates me as much

as i hate shitty music.

i was able

to calm her down

by reading her

a book about dinosaurs.

then we were

out the door and

headed back home.

she was in

bed early, but i

was not…

the writing is happening

and i don’t want

it to stop,

even though

i could use a

bit more sleep.

(and just for fun, here’s a video taken yesterday as i tried to do something with her hair. note…she refuses to keep a bow or a clip in her hair, so the only thing that seems to work are these black hair ties that liz used to use. had to use them ’cause i have no idea what else to buy. any advice in this area is much appreciated).

so…while i continue working on answering your questions about my book, i have two for you.

when she visits the doctor today…

1. how much will madeline weigh?
2. how tall will madeline be?

a couple of hints:

at her one year check-up, she weighed 20 pounds, 9 ounces and was 28 7/8 inches tall

the chart below shows her progression since birth:

and here’s a photos taken this morning that may help:

and another that won’t (but i love it):

as always, the person/s who correctly guesses both her height and weight will get a copy of my current favorite record and my current favorite book.

you have until thursday, july 2nd at 1:00am (pacific time) to get your guesses in.

in other news…

they should have interviewed me. i could have told them that i do most of my crying in the shower or the garage, well away from my happy baby.

finally, if you are in the los angeles area on july 12th you should join us for a little fun in the park…

the oscar mayer wienermobile is coming to visit maddy and me.

where: griffith park
address: 4800 crystal springs dr, [at center of park], near the carousel.
when: sunday, july 12 11:00am to 1:00pm

there will be raffle for a ride & other great prizes, all to benefit the liz logelin foundation.

awesome.

should have been

packing for our trip,

instead i was digging

through memories.

found one that was

rather recent

that made me

think of one from

the past.

and then i

thought about saturday.

june 18th.

flew with madeline

on round trip

flight #21.

she’s still averaging more

than one flight

per month of existence.

hope we can

keep it up.

made it to the mn

and got to spend some

time with family

and friends.

the grandparents came together

to hang out

with their grandchild

while i joined

josh, nate, aj

sonja and emilia for

a beer and

some talking.

we traded the

colianni family for

mark m., then headed

out to a new

old restaurant

for an evening of disappointment.

later we ended

up at a familiar bar

where we saw

some faces from the past.

i was back at

liz’s

parent’s house by

2:00am.

june 19th.

met up with some

creepy ladies and their

children, or in some

cases, the children

they borrow on weekdays.

had some fun at

a waterpark in the slp…

maddy tested out

her lungs

and her legs.

then she decided

that she wanted

what wasn’t hers

and made one

of rachel’s borrowed

children cry.

she did a lot

of flirting with

darcie’s male child

then decided that

she would try to

prove me wrong by

talking two steps

toward me.

(people have been asking…”is she walking yet?” and i always answer, “she totally could, but she’s just lazy.”).

had an early dinner

with nate, josh

and my nephew, travis.

got to see old friend,

anthony d.

but the night ended

way too early

because i felt like shit

(i should probably sleep more).

maddy stayed with

grandpa tom and

grandma bev

and spent the night

playing with their dogs.

june 20th.

saturday.

met up with maddy

in the morning,

and brought her

back to

liz’s

parent’s house so that

maddy could see her

auntie deb.

we spent the early

afternoon together

watching maddy

cruise around the house

until she was so exhausted

that she passed out.

she napped while

i got ready for

the evening.

madeline was to

spend the night

with grandma broccoli and

grandpa rodney.

i was off to

my friend, amy’s

wedding at a place

i spent a full

night in on

august 13th, 2005.

wow.

“almost four years ago”

i thought

as i put on

the same suit

i wore to the rehearsal

dinner on august 12th.

the same suit

i wore to

her

funeral in pasadena

in march 2008.

and the same suit

i wore a month

later to

her

second funeral,

the one in the mn,

near the shores

of the lake

across from which

we were married.

i really need a

new fucking suit.

…

josh and jane

picked me up

and we rode together

to that spot

that we all were in

a little less

than 4 years ago.

we parked on

the parkway,

and walked past the

spot where our

photos were taken.

i remember it like yesterday.

felt like i was

going to puke

as we approached

the side door.

we were a little

early so josh suggested

we go through

the front and have

a drink at the bar.

good idea.

got inside and

found a few

familiar faces.

aj and jamie,

their wives upstairs,

doing the work

they’d been asked to do.

we weren’t as

early as we

thought, so we

had to finish

our drinks rather fast.

done.

we made our way

down the

hallway and up the stairs.

the pain in my

chest, the need to vomit

both almost overwhelming.

we got to the

top of the stairs,

turned to the

right, and straight

ahead of me

was the room

i was in,

we were in,

on that day in august.

the wedding i was

going to?

in a different room.

…

the relief i felt was

powerful enough

to very nearly kill those

very physical reactions

to something that

was all in my head.

but this was

not about me.

and i put a happy face

on and truly enjoyed the

evening, despite some

very real moments

of struggle.

i wrote this

on my blackberry

as i spent some

moments alone in

the hallway.

…

the night was rough

as fuck, but i

have to confront

this stuff or be

paralyzed by it.

sometimes i think

i should just embrace

the paralysis.

…

june

sunday morning,

madeline still asleep,

i got up at

6:15 and made my

way to

aj’s house.

picked him up

and we stopped for breakfast

(he actually ordered and ate something called a “bacon waffle”).

after breakfast we

headed to the warehouse district

for a nice walk

and some photos.

i dropped aj off

and stumbled upon

one of the things

i really wanted

to photograph.

i made it back to

liz’s

parent’s house in time

to get showered for

maddy’s second annual

pool party.

it was great event…

lots of familiar

faces, and lots

of new ones.

even got to

meet the entire mckmama family .

when she wasn’t napping,

maddy enjoyed her

time playing in

the water,

hanging with her cousin,

being held by

the husbands of creeps

and playing with her grandmas,

by the end of the

night we were

exhausted so we

went to bed early.

june 22nd.

monday.

back on a plane

to los angeles.

maddy was very

active on the flight.

thankfully she had

her own seat

so she had a little

extra room to

move around.

soon enough we were

back home.

spent the afternoon

playing with her

familiar toys in

a familiar place.

we were both happy

to be home.

i still felt like

shit, so i decided

to skip the wilco

show i was

supposed to go

to that night.

before maddy was

born, i would have gone

no matter how

terrible i felt.

it seems that

my priorities have changed.

tuesday.

off to work and daycare

i had tickets

to the wilco

concert again this night

i was

feeling a bit

better and i

had a babysitter

(thanks, amy!)

so i decided to

take advantage of

a night out.

before doing so,

maddy practiced her moves.

headed off to see

a band i’d seen

multiple times with

liz

(one of the few shows to which i didn’t have to drag her).

and this was

the first show

i have been to

alone since

she

died.

i reminded myself

that i’d gone to

shows alone for

years, but this

was the first time

i felt truly alone.

…

found a friend,

and a friend of

a friend,

and spent the show

hanging out with them.

it was well worth

the trip.

we decided that

we should make a

stop at bar

on wilshire before

heading home.

i managed to enjoy

the evening.

wednesday.

another day.

hit amoeba with

maddy and new

stranger friend, brianna.

maddy lasted about

25 mins before

she not-so-gently

let me know

it was time to

head home.

she passed out

in the car

and barely moved

as i transferred her

from car to crib.

i spent

my evening writing,

before falling asleep

on the couch.

thursday.

posted those photos

and immediately got

shit from the bastard

and gentle ben

for the outfit i

put madeline in.

the thing is,

i hate bob marley

(yeah, i know, i know)

and my friends know it,

but that dress looked

nice on maddy

and it was a

gift from grandma candee,

so i told them to

kiss my ass.

later that afternoon

i went to

pick madeline up

from daycare,

and when i arrived

she was eating dinner.

nothing remarkable about

that, really, except for

the fact that

she was sitting on

a picnic bench

with no back support,

no restraints,

and she was eating

all by herself,

and drinking milk

from a glass.

wow.

i really underestimate

this kid of mine.

at home she is

constrained to her

high chair and she is

using a sippy cup

to drink her liquids.

i stood off to

the side, but well

within her line of vision,

and watched for 40

minutes as she sat

with the rest

of the big kids at

the table.

not once did

she reach or

cry out for me.

she just sat

there and ate.

i was amazed.

i smiled when she

lifted the glass

of milk to her

face and poured

some of it

into her mouth,

and the rest of it

into her nose and

down the front of

her dress.

eventually she finished

up and we headed

to one of

liz’s

favorite restaurants

to meet our friend,

laura and her sister and niece.

had a great meal and

a great evening

talking with everyone.

drove home and again

transferred maddy from car

to crib without

any movement.

i was asleep before 10:30.

friday.

we both did

our usual weekday

stuff before heading home

to visit with

liz’s

cousin, natalie and new baby,

as well as natalie’s sister-in-law, jessica.

maddy reminded her

new cousin of

her older brothers

by trying to poke

out her eye

and “pat” her on

the head.

later we went outside

and the girls played

in the yard.

we, the proud parents,

tried to get

a photo of

the cousins

and here’s the best

one that i got:

(yeah. maddy tried to bite her cousin’s finger off. and that stuff in the background? the contents of natalie’s diaper bag, emptied out by madeline).

we said goodbye

then headed off

to pick up a

pizza for dinner.

driving up hyperion,

i saw a bus

and for some

odd reason,

i thought of

liz.

a bus?

what the hell?

we were never

on a bus together

in los angeles.

in fact, the last

time we were

on a bus together

was in 2004

on our way from

kathmadnu to pokhara

for a trek in the himalayas.

sometimes this shit

hits at the weirdest times.

…

picked up our

pizza and headed home.

maddy had already

eaten and was ready

for bed when we got

home, so into

the crib she went.

not long after,

michele stopped by

to deliver some

brownies and beer,

payback for a good deed.

we talked for

a while and then she

raced home to

make sure her daughter

made it back before curfew.

i fell asleep on my couch

waking up at 4:30,

and finally heading to bed.

saturday.

got up and

had breakfast.

maddy took a short

nap after breakfast,

then we were off

to get a birthday gift

for the party

that afternoon.

this is one of

those situations where

i really miss

liz.

i mean, i was never

the gift buyer

in the family.

i’ve known about this

party for weeks,

yet i’m rushing out an

hour before the party

starts to buy a gift?

what an idiot.

found what i wanted

and stood in line

to pay for it.

sign on the cash register

reads something like,

“no, we do not gift wrap, but you can take the price tag off. but don’t leave it on the counter for us to clean up.”

(damn hipster toy stores).

shit.

i didn’t even think

about wrapping this thing.

at least they gave

me a bag.

made it half

way to west covina

and realized i probably should

have bought a card.

pulled up to the

party and was

walking in and realized

i didn’t even write

anything on the bag

to indicate

the identity of

the gift givers.

saw the mother of

the birthday boy,

jessica k,

and said,

“uh, this white bag is from maddy”

madeline immediately

made herself at home,

splashing away

in the pool.

got to spend some

time with a bunch of

familiar faces,

including rhonda,

anna and bob.

maddy spent most

of the day in bob’s arms

(she’s quite fond of him)

which meant i got

to rest my arms.

after the party

we went back to our

house and both took

incredibly long naps.

had a nice

dinner at home

then decided that

it was time to

do what i’ve been avoiding…

maddy’s been given

a bunch of really

awesome music

( i absolutely hate most music made for kids, but this stuff is amazing)

and i had this

plan to get them

all onto an

ipod for her so

she can listen to

them while she

goes to sleep at night.

problem is, i don’t think

i need to buy my

15 month old

child a brand new

ipod, and i know that

liz’s

ipod has been sitting

unused in her

purse since

she died.

so tonight…

i went into

her closet,

found her purse at

the bottom, and as

quickly as possible,

fished through it

until i found what

i needed.

…

i plugged the

ipod in and

i sat down in

front of my computer.

the ipod appears

on my computer

and the first thing

i see, is a playlist,

the only playlist

on the thing.

now…i am the

the person who loaded

her ipod with music

(except when she downloaded all the terrible shit she really liked from the itunes store),

and i was the one

who created that playlist.

the title?

“i miss you”

…

i made that playlist

for her when i left

for my last trip

to india.

…

filled some of

the empty space

with music that

maddy loves,

and put her in

her crib to the

sweet sounds of lullabye versions

of johnny cash tunes.

my night was

spent writing.

it is now a

little after

2:00am and i think

it’s time for me

to go to bed.

in this place.

but when?

was it twenty five years ago?

maybe eight?

yesterday?

no.

it was

thirteen years ago.

and it was

almost four years ago.

i was here.

she was here

we.

we were here.

but it was different.

thirteen years ago

it was an

awkward meal with

people who didn’t

know me.

but she made

it comfortable,

even fun.

…

some of them

were here.

i was here.

she was here.

we.

we were here.

and that day four

years ago,

we stood up

there.

it was that day,

that day i

put the one

now on my

left hand

on hers.

and the one

now on my right

was on my left.

it was to

be like that forever.

that was the plan.

i can smell

the flowers.

i can feel the excitement

of that moment.

i can see the dress.

and the woman

inside of it.

but four years

later, i am here

some of them

are here,

but she,

she

is not here.

…

marriott hotel and marina
san diego, california
july 17-19, 2009

i know i’ve mentioned this a few times, but i wanted to talk about it again.

i spoke with michele neff hernandez, the founder of the soaring spirits loss foundation, and discussed a few things…

first, some reasons to attend the conference:

1. it is going to be fun.
2. it is going to be informative
3. this is apparently going to be the largest gathering of widows/widowers ever (some sort of record keeping body may certify this).

second, some of the goals of the conference:

1. by supporting this event we hope to create a larger support network so that other widowed people don’t have to live through this awful experience on their own.
2. programs for the widowed are non-existent in states across the country…we can change that by making some noise in san diego.
3. we want to put a different face on widowhood. widows/widowers are not the stereotype we all think of. some of us are young and few of us spend our days wearing long black veils.

during our discussion, michele asked me if i had prepared my speech (yes, i’ll speaking at the conference). of course i haven’t, but i assured her that i would be ready by july 17th (she sounded worried). she also informed me that, because i am speaking at the event, my entrance fee is taken care of.

that said, i told her that i would pay the entrance fee for another widow/widower so that he/she can take part in the conference.

so…if you are a widow or widower who can make it to san diego for the conference, please send an e-mail to mattandmaddy (at) gmail (dot) com with the subject line, “conference”

let me know why you want to come to the conference, and i’ll consider paying your way.

for those of you who are not widowed, but want to support someone who is, please consider sponsor them to go to the conference by contacting michele at micheleh (at) sslf (dot) org ($300 covers the full event, concert, banquet, workshops, resource expo, etc.)

for sign-up form, a list of speakers, overview of events, hotel accommodations and more, please click here

as some of you guessed, and some of you didn’t, i was meeting with publishers.

yeah.

i’m gonna write a book.

over the course of the last year or so i’ve been approached by publishers, editors and agents about writing one.

i didn’t know what to think about this at first.

but i thought long and hard about it and i finally decided in january that i wanted to do it.

what pushed me in this direction? many things, but the biggest one was the belief that this book will be an incredible gift for madeline.

and my monument to

liz.

so…

over the past couple of months i…

*signed with a literary agency.

*worked on a book proposal.

*my agents submitted it to some publishers.

*and during the week that i was in nyc, i met with a few of them.

*upon my return to los angeles the book went to auction.

*less than a week later i had chosen a publisher.

my book will be published by grand central publishing, which is part of the hachette book group usa.

(these folks also own little brown and company, the publishers of the twilight series. squeee!).

here is the announcement from this week’s issue of publisher’s weekly:

Maddy & Me

Pitched as The Last Lecture meets Marley & Me, Matt Logelin’s Adventures with Maddy: A Memoir of Love, Loss and the Extraordinary Community That Healed Us, went at auction to Amanda Englander at Grand Central. Rachel Sussman and Eve Bridburg of Zachary Shuster Harmsworth brokered the deal for North American rights. In the book, Logelin, who started a blog and founded the Liz Logelin Foundation after his wife died 72 [sic] hours following the birth of their daughter, offers advice on, and his own experiences, dealing with grief and loss. Per Grand Central, the auction was “heated,” with seven publishers vying for the book.

so now what?

i figure there will be a lot of questions about this and i plan to make my writing process as interactive as possible, so fire away.

ask anything…

ask about the book, the (tentative) title, the blog, my future plans, etc.

you can go ahead and pose your questions in the comments section, and i’ll answer as many as possible in a future post. if your question has already been posed, please ask anyway. i’ll get an idea of what i should answer if i see the same question over and over again.

i can’t begin to tell you how excited i am to get started, and ultimately, deliver a book that you all will love.

(oh…and thanks for your patience with my teasing over the last few months…just needed to make sure everything was in place before announcing this).

maddy sneezed

an entire mouthful of

strawberry yogurt

at me.

i said, “shit” outloud.

then i remembered

that she’s trying

to mimic my words.

like on thursday

night i said, “goodnight”

and she said something

that sounded like, “nye”

or like saturday

when i pointed

at a barking dog

and told her

what it was,

she said something

that sounded like, “dah.”

so as she sat

in her highchair,

i pointed at

the yogurt splatters

and said, “spit.”

nothing.

then (without pointing to anthing)

i said, “bass” (like the fish)

nothing.

then i said, “duck”

still nothing.

the good news is

that she is not

catching on all

that quickly.

but i’ll keep

practicing with

her, cause as

soon as she can

get the rhymes,

she can get

the real swear words.

that said, i resolve

to be a bit

more careful

the next time

we’re in the car

or the next

time she spits

yogurt at me.

ok.

last weeks we

had a few visitors

in town.

we hung out with

our friends, henry,

sara and thor.

among other things,

we spent a little

time in our yard

(sara is somewhere else in this photo).

and we went to

an awesome indoor

play area in silver lake.

on thursday i took

my imac in

to get the screen repaired

(lovely thin, blue line running down the center of the screen. thankfully the thing is still under warranty).

put maddy in

the frame backpack

i bought a few months

ago so i’d have

a free hand or two to

carry the 6000 pound

computer through the mall

and into the apple store.

met blog reader, liz, who

helped keep maddy

entertained as i

talked to one

of the sales people.

(thank you).

…

i’ve been obsessed

with this song

for the last two weeks.

…

had breakfast

with my friend, andrea

on saturday.

then i went home

and maddy

took an epic nap

while i cleaned my

car and installed

maddy’s new car seat.

(thanks to the people at orbit for the car seat, base, and stroller and thanks to phoebe r. for arranging this surprise).

i transferred a few

things from the car

to the garage until

i can drop them

off for donation

(extra strollers, very gently used car seat).

i fucking hate going

into my garage.

i avoid it like

most people avoid

root canals.

every time i step inside

i’m assaulted by

some new,

long-forgotten

object that elicits

the kind of longing

i shouldn’t have

at this point

in my life.

fuck.

figured i may as

well try once

again to find our

book of wedding photos.

i’ve been searching

for this thing

off and on

for about 13

months now.

i dug through a couple

of boxes without

finding what i wanted.

stuck my fingers

through the handle holes

of one of the

white banker’s boxes

that hold a lot

of our shit.

i felt something soft…

i tore the top

off of the box

and inside

i found the

black pashmina

she

wore when it

was cold.

immediate thought was,

“why is this out here?”

then i realized

i had accidentally

opened up a

box that had come from

liz’s

office, packed up and

delivered to me

months ago by

her friend and corworker, elizabeth.

everything else

was individually wrapped up

in white paper with

indiscernible words

written with a variety of

colored markers.

i picked up one

of the things

to see what was

written on the paper.

perhaps a note to me

from her coworkers?

i got the object

half way unwrapped

and found that

the wrapping paper

was just a piece of paper

torn from one of

those easels seen in

nearly every corporate

meeting room…

and on it was

the writing of some

executive probably trying in

vain to increase

profits for the company.

i didn’t take the

time to read it all.

i just returned the item

and closed the box.

and started crying.

…

i opened another

box and then another.

opened probably 12 boxes

before i found the

one i needed.

there it was.

the long, black

box that holds

an afternoon and night

full of memories,

a book that i should

be flipping through with

her.

instead, i grabbed it

and blew the dust

from it.

inside the box were

other things from

the past.

a few more photos

in frames,

photos i didn’t take,

from a time before

i had a camera.

a photo of

us

at my college graduation.

and the photo that

liz

took of nate, wallace and me

frolicking on the

island of corsica

while traveling through

europe in 1999.

and that photo of

us

riding the donkey

on olvera street.

so there they

were, laying in the grass,

the photos of

some of the happiest moments

of my life.

of our lives.

i cried some more

before heading inside

to check on

maddy.

there she was,

sitting up in her

crib, smiling away.

we spent the next

few hours playing

with a couple

of cardboard boxes.

just what i needed.

…

back to yesterday.

after the rhyming test,

our friends mckenna, jeffra and mark

stopped by for

a visit.

maddy and mckenna got

awfully friendly with

one another

while the parents talked.

eventually it was time

to get our kids

changed into

their pajamas for

sophie’s cookie monster

pajama party.

we drove to the

playroom on ventura

and had a great time

with a bunch

of familiar and

unfamiliar faces.

maddy, bella and mckenna

played in the

ball pit:

maddy and bella did

a little standing and playing

and maddy got to ride

some weird horse thing

then gave him

a kiss.

everyone had an

amazing time.

(just look how happy maddy was).

we said goodbye

to some,

then had mark, jeffra and mckenna

over for a little

thai food.

by 10:30pm they were

out the door

and i was left

with a quiet house.

…

been getting some

good photos of maddy

before we head

off to work

and daycare each day…

monday:

tuesday:

wednesday:

thursday:

friday:

and the weekend..

saturday:

sunday:

…

two quick notes.

1. i’ll be in my home state with my best girl from this thursday to monday. what are you doing on sunday, june 21st? do you live in or near the mn? would you like to come to maddy’s second annual pool party? if so, drop me a line at mattandmaddy (at) gmail (dot) com with the word, “party” in the subject line and i’ll send you the details.

2. i’ll have a sorta big announcement for you either later today or early tomorrow.

promise.

just look at that happy child with her new favorite toy.

she loves that thing.

that toy looks harmless, right?

it’s not.

that toy is scary.

that toy is demonic.

that toy is going to disappear.

why?

well…

10:30, tuesday night.

maddy was asleep in her crib in the room furthest from where i was sitting.

three closed doors separated me from my daughter.

i was on a work-related conference call with our team in bangalore.

i was wearing a headset to listen in on the call and the tv was on.

in the middle of my call, i heard something. was it a cry? i didn’t know. i said to shreyas and mythri, “hey guys…give me a second. i need to check on madeline.”

so with them still on the phone, i opened up one door, walked through my office, opened another door and entered the dark hallway leading to maddy’s room. the sound got louder with each step. and i could now tell that it was crying. in fact, it wasn’t madeline at all (i sorta know most of her sounds now). forgetting that i was still on the line with my coworkers, i said out loud to myself, “what the fuck?” they laughed. they’re used to my language by now.

i put my hand on the door knob. but that noise…it scared me. so i turned around and turned on the light in the hallway (didn’t want to wake maddy up by turning on the light in her room).

hand back on the door knob, i opened the door and walked into the room.

the floor was vibrating (wtf?) and i heard the most maniacal laughter. ever.

okay. i was officially scared as fuck. i looked toward the crib and in the dark of the room, i couldn’t see madeline.

and then this giant wave of fear hit me…

someone had stolen my baby and replaced her with some loud thing to call my attention to this fact.

i imagined some sort of ransom note being attached to this thing.

something like, “we have your daughter” spelled out with a bunch of random, mismatched letters cut from magazines.

yeah.

i really thought that.

i felt like i was in some horror film.

my heart was racing, i was sweating, and i said “what the fuck?” a few more times.

and then i decided to turn on the light in maddy’s room.

i had to know what the hell was making this noise, and i had to see if the baby stealers had left behind any evidence (ski masks, cigarette butt with dna).

and why the hell was my floor vibrating?

i flipped on the light, and there was madeline, somewhat covered in stuffed animals, curled up against the front of the crib.

kinda like this:

(this photo was taken the morning after the scare).

the amazing thing?

her head was on top of this white stuffed animal.

i reached in to pull it out from under her, only to discover that it was the source of the noise.

and the vibration.

i lifted her head and pulled the animal out of her crib.

it stopped vibrating and making noise.

(apparently it was pressure-activated).

i turned off the light in her room, closed her door, and walked toward the living room.

my coworkers, still on the phone, were laughing at me.

shreyas said, “have you seen child’s play? that thing sounded like a chucky doll”

he was right.

i haven’t been that scared in a very long time.

now. i know my child is a champion sleeper, but i have no idea how the hell she slept through this whole episode. i mean, that toy was so loud i could hear it through three closed doors, over the tv, and over my phone call.

plus it was vibrating hard shake the floor outside of her room.

i was amazed.

and still a little scared.

at this point i bet you’re thinking, it couldn’t have been that bad.

it was.

(now keep in mind, i had never, ever heard this toy go off before and i have no idea how it got into my house).

the next morning i took a little video of this stupid thing.

you tell me…would this have scared you?

(and did you hear that thing say, “no” right after i said, “maddy…can we throw that away?” it is truly demonic).

**update**

i now know who bought this for madeline…

thanks, mom.

the child in photo #1 is the madeline i used to know.

*she laughed when i made dog and cat sounds.
*she ate well, only throwing food to indicate that she was finished with a meal.
*she was calm at restaurants.
*she could stay out as late as her old man, passing out wherever we were.
*she screamed with joy as she played with her toys.
*she crawled slow enough that i could catch up with her before she knocked over my records.

this madeline did not stick around long enough. (where did she go?). i so loved this madeline.

the child in photo #2 is the madeline that is materializing before my eyes. she exhibits some of the same traits as the child in photo #1, but i assure you…this is not the same child.

*she said her first real word on friday night. “down.” she likes to stand up and then fall on her ass, yelling “down!” on the way down. i taught her that last week, but i think it was in a different context. something like, “maddy! put that record down!”
*she can now stand on her own and will be walking any day now. (in fact, she took three steps on sunday without falling down).
*she is becoming an independent woman who no longer wants to be constrained by things like car seats, cribs, stroller or my arms.
*she’ll willingly go into the arms of any man she sees, but refuses to be held by nearly every woman who tries. (oh fuck).
*she no longer sits still when we’re out for dinner.
*she throws more food than she eats.
*she has a schedule all of a sudden (what’s that?).
*she’s beyond tired at 7:30pm every night and tells me this by having a meltdown.
*she can’t stand it when she’s not the center of attention. on sunday she decided that, after several unsuccessful attempts to get his attention, she would simply to smack her new friend henry in the face multiple times to divert his gaze away from sesame street.
*she tells me what to do rather than listening to my instructions.

i love this madeline and i love the progress she’s making, but some of these things frighten me as i think about the future (especially the whole, “going into the arms of any man” thing).

the child in photo #3 is the madeline i hung out with every night this past weekend.

*she was a whiny mess.

why? she has four teeth coming in at the moment. i thought it was kinda great ’cause i had this terrible fear that maybe she would never get any more teeth than the four she already has. but then i realized how not great it was. on friday night i got 3 hours of sleep because she wanted to be awake and in my room. on saturday night she slept from 7:30pm to midnight, but was up from 12:01am to 3:30am, talking my ear off. last night she decided at 2:15am that she should not only be in my room, she should injure me. as derek* would say, she “summoned the power of all the gods”, and brought the television remote down upon my balls just as i started to fall back asleep. she stayed up until 4:30am laughing. i was up for another hour after that trying to think of unicorns, rainbows, bunny rabbits…anything but the tremendous pain she just inflicted upon me. i love this madeline as well, but i kinda wish she could stay with a set of grandparents until the rest of her teeth come in.

*(only click on that derek link if you want to hear a profanity-laced, 54 minute treatise on heavy metal and the consequences of removing a boot from a car).

i wanted to take this opportunity to say thanks to everyone who has donated, and thanks to everyone who plans to donate in the future.

i also wanted to give an extra big thank you to mckmama. like us, mckmama and her family have been the recipients of overwhelming support from her readers, and over the course of the last few months we’ve talked a couple of times about ways to give back. a few days ago, maddy and i found a card in our mailbox from mckmama with a check for $1000 for the liz logelin foundation. in typical mckmama fashion, she asked that i give all of the credit to her readers for making this donation possible.

so readers of mckmama’s blog…thank you for the generous gift.

and to readers of my blog…thank you for inspiring me to create the liz logelin foundation. none of this would be possible without your support.

(maddy also wanted to say thanks)