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monday.

(still a week behind).

***monday***

woke up after a

night of very little sleep.

madeline was already

up and happily

talking to herself

about something.

i got up and

talked to her a

little bit.

i knew this was

gonna be a tough

day for me.

not so much for her…

she loves everyone

so a half-day

at daycare was

going to be nothing.

i spent the early

morning feeding her,

laughing with her,

anything i could do

to delay the inevitable.

but the time came…

i had to get ready

for work,

just as i had a little over

six months ago.

but i knew things

were gonna be

different.

no one to

kiss me on the cheek

while wishing me

a good day

at work.

no one to call

on the way into

the office

with whom i could share

traffic information.

no one to deliver to

me the lunch

i’ve forgotten

on the counter.

shit.

this is all

hitting me and i

haven’t even left the

house yet…

today should be a real

fucking treat.

took a before photo

first day of work - before getting cleaned up.

before i secured

madeline in a bouncy

chair so

she would be locked down

while i was in

the shower.

got a very

quick shower in

while maddy

yelled at me

(she doesn’t like it in that little pink prison).

the after photo

shows that no matter

what i did,

i couldn’t erase

the past 6 months

from below by eyes.

first day of work - after getting cleaned up.

i gathered up

all of our things

and got us in

the car.

we drove toward

the north hollywood.

i tried not to

think about the

last 6 months

but all i could think

about were

the last 6 months

and the way

they will shape

the next 10,

20, 50 years.

that’s a lot

of heavy shit

to deal with

on a 15 minute

drive to a daycare

center and work.

arrived at maddy’s

new weekday daytime home.

i got inside and

was happy to find that

the place looked even

better than it did

the last time

i was here.

daycare.

i handed her over

to one of the

employees and i

watched as both

of their faces

lit up.

i knew this was

gonna work for her.

i have (quite possibly)

the happiest,

most adaptable baby

in the history

of babies.

first day of daycare.

it was getting

close to the time

i needed to leave

so i tried

to tear myself away.

it took me

about 10 minutes

to get myself

out of there,

but finally i

walked toward the door.

i looked back

once more but maddy

was too busy

trying to defend

herself against the 9 and

11 month-old kids

in the room.

i left with a smile

and a few tears

in my eyes.

i made it to

work in about 5 minutes

and felt my chest

tighten up as

i walked up the sidewalk.

thought about

turning around,

but i figured the

folks at the daycare

would think i was

out of my mind.

walked inside,

turned left and

entered the coffee bar,

finding a few

familiar faces.

gentle ben was there,

waiting with a

lame joke

and a middle finger

extended in the air.

just what i need…

i spent some time

talking to the people

who see to it that

i get paid,

regarding expectations for the

next few weeks.

no specifics,

but let’s just say

that they’re unbelievably

understanding and kind.

i went to my

desk, a new location

since i was last here.

all of my shit

still packed in

the moving boxes.

it was weird.

it was almost like

nothing had ever

happened, like i had

been at work this

entire time, that

liz

was just a few

miles up the street at

her office

but then i noticed

that the red light

on my phone

was not lit up.

that’s when it sort

of hit me

that things were nothing

like they were

in early march.

no longer will i

return from a meeting

to find four

messages about

absolutely nothing from

liz.

everything has crumbled.

i spent my half

day at work

talking to some,

but mostly sitting

quietly at my desk.

i’m easing back into

my job,

and these first few

days are for me

to sort through the

13,000+ e-mails

waiting for me.

not today…

maybe tomorrow.

the four hours are up.

it’s time to

do the thing

that will make

me the happiest.

i walked out,

found my car

on the 3rd level of

the parking structure

and drove the 1.7 miles

to the daycare.

as i pulled up

i started to

feel that tightness in

my chest again.

i walked in

the door, saw

madeline smiling in

the arms of one

of the daycare employees.

as soon as she

saw me, that smile

became a

liz

sized smile

and

i fucking lost it.

why now?

made it through

the drop-off and most

of the day with

at least partial composure,

but the pick-up

hit me like a

ton of shit.

i guess it was

the realization

of how alone i

actually am.

yes, i have support

from folks around the world,

but i know that the

reality i faced

today is the one that

i will face nearly

every weekday

for the next few years.

knowing that

she

will not know

the joy of picking

her smiling daughter

up from daycare

made my want to vomit.

knowing that i

am in this

by myself made

me choke.

i grabbed my baby

squeezed her,

and gave her two

kisses on the cheek.

she smiled.

i could barely

speak, but i asked

the woman

how maddy did today.

“she did great. does she always smile so much?”

she said.

“yes.”

was all i could

say before walking

toward the door.

without turning around

i told the woman

that we’d see her

tomorrow.

i got maddy in

her car seat

and drove her home.

felt like the

longest drive ever.

finally got home,

brought her in

the house

and hung out with

her until the

early evening.

tonight…

the last thing i

wanted to do

was leave the house,

but tonight

was a night

i’ve been waiting for

since i was 15,

and i needed a

diversion from

my thoughts.

weeks earlier

i got invited to

see liz phair

play her only

truly great album

in its entirety at

a small club in

the los angeles.

liz phair plays exile in guyville!

i said yes, knowing

that today was

a day that

was going to

kick me in the stomach,

but i knew i

had to go.

it’s important for me

to have these distractions

in my life.

rhonda arrived to

watch maddy for

the night.

then bob and anna arrived

so we could head

to the show.

stopped in the

larchmont for dinner

at a pizza place.

watched part of

the angels losing

effort to boston

then headed to

the troubadour.

missing the "t"
liz phair at the troubadour.

we walked inside

empty.

and ordered a drink.

ran into coworker

tom and talked

to him for

a bit.

later, ian and julie

arrived and we

discussed something intriguing

before he gave me

his vip pass.

i joined julie

up above the crowd.

i was nice

enough to

wave to bob, anna and tom

as i sat comfortably

in my seat near

some guy from

some tv show.

spent a few minutes

talking to julie

about madeline and

liz

then the other

liz started playing

liz phair plays exile in guyville.

and all talking

had to pause

until the songs stopped.

liz phair plays exile in guyville.

she tore through

the album

liz phair plays exile in guyville.

and before we knew

it it was over.

an interesting encore followed

liz phair plays exile in guyville.
liz phair plays exile in guyville.

and eventually things

went silent

liz phair plays exile in guyville.

walked back downstairs

and thanked ian

once more for

giving up his

seat to me.

said goodbye to

him and to

julie, promising to

get our girls together

sometime soon.

found bob and anna

and walked out

to the car.

spent the ride

home talking about

how awesome

the show was.

they dropped me off

and i went inside

to find a sleeping

madeline and a fully

awake rhonda.

maddy apparently slept

the entire time i

was away.

she couldn’t be

any more perfect.

thanked rhonda as she

walked out the door

and i went

straight to sleep.

one tough day down.

thousands more

to go.

quick reminder…updated.

***update***

in case you missed the show last night, (or if for some reason you really want to hear it again) you can listen to the archived version here.

=========================================================================

(click the image above for more details).

e-mail your question(s) before the show starts to: SMWRachelle@gmail.com, or call in during the show, at 914-338-1419.

sunday.

(one week behind).

***sunday***

luckily madeline

is the champion

of sleeping through

the night, ’cause

after the night

i had, an early

morning would have

been a bit painful.

instead, i got a

shower in before

she even moved.

this child is remarkable.

we were out of

the house by 10:30,

on our way to

meet laura for a

hike in runyon canyon.

picked her up

in a parking lot

parking lot.

on la brea

highland.

then drove north

to a place i used

to refuse to go with

liz.

she used to love

to get her exercise by

walking up and

then down runyon canyon

and i used to

love to sit on

my ass.

especially on sundays

in the fall.

no way was i going

to give up a

full day of football

to get some exercise.

i went with

her more than

a few times

over the years, but

not nearly as many

times as i should have.

so here we are

runyon canyon.

without her,

trying to do the

things that she would

be doing.

we walked for awhile

and i had to rest,

resting.
smiling.

’cause i had

a madeline strapped to

my chest.

hiking.
waving.

(oh…and ’cause i’m out of shape).

we continued up

the canyon

runyon canyon.

and saw a sign that

that should have been

posted at the beginning

of the hike

physically fit?

we made it to

the top and turned

to admire the view.

a view of the los angeles from runyon canyon.
a view of the los angeles from runyon canyon.

then i had to tie

my shoe,

it's hard to tie my shoes with a madeline strapped to my chest.

we headed back down

the canyon

on a hike.

so we could

get some food.

went to an awesome

place and enjoyed

an great meal with

some sweet and

spicy bacon.

madeline, obviously exhausted

from the hike,

passed out in her car seat

out.

and slept the entire time.

out.

after breakfast we

drove across town

obama.

and went to the book

store on fairfax

fairfax.

to get some reading materials.

on the way to

the car we stopped

for a photo

america.

then we saw more

evidence that smear

will tag anything

in the los angeles.

smear.

we got to the car

and drove

a few miles

to a cafe

outside the bakery.

with some sidewalk

seating so we could

relax, enjoy some beverages

and a little sunday reading.

table.

i didn’t get

a lot of reading

done ’cause i was

too busy playing

with my baby.

at a bakery.
enjoying the day.

after our afternoon

tea i dropped laura

off at her car

and drove madeline home.

we got home a

few minutes before

auntie anya arrived with

our dinner.

we spent the evening

talking, watching baseball

and playing with madeline.

maddy passed out

early and aunite anya

said goodbye…

she also has

a big day tomorrow.

i thought about

sleeping but

was unable to do so.

i worked on

getting madeline’s daycare

stuff together then

spent the rest of

the night writing.

finally went to

bed at 3:30,

not the best idea on

the night

before i go back

to work,

but i had no choice.

sleeping is not

easy, even when

i know i need it.

friday, saturday.

(still a little bit behind…oh, and we had some database problems this morning. eternal thanks to aj for pushing all the right buttons to fix yet another screw-up by my hosting company).

***friday***

woke up an hour

before madeline.

again, through the

night she slept.

today there are

no plans.

we enjoyed a

lazy friday.

this friday is

our last friday at

home together

for awhile.

when monday comes

we’ll both be doing

something different

so let’s just

enjoy the day,

the two of us,

doing the things

that make us smile.

we listened to

a little music

then read a couple

of books.

that was the morning.

and the afternoon.

and the early evening.

late evening came and

we joined stranger friend nicole and

her son for a

quick dinner in the montrose

then went home

to watch that

team that claims

to be from

the los angeles lose

to the r. sox.

both of us

fell asleep before

the game ended.

i suppose it’s okay

to spend most of

the day in the house

every once in awhile

***saturday***

slept in until 6:00.

my baby beat me

by almost two hours

she’s awesome at sleeping.

once again,

a day without

plans but plans

have been made

for the evening.

spent the morning

enjoying the sight

of the sky filling

with clouds,

and the afternoon

watching a few drops of

rain come down

on the two

dirty cars

parked in front

of the house.

nothing beats a

free carwash.

spent the late

afternoon watching

the team from the

milwaukee steal

a win from the

team formerly known

as the quakers.

bob and anna

arrived as the

dodger game started.

no time to watch

it though…

we were off

to enjoy a meal

at the french

restaurant in the

atwater village

(i’m obviously quite fond of this place).

we got there and

found it to be

terribly busy so we

waited on the

sidewalk, along with

one of the dudes

from lost.

madeline drank her bottle

alone, but not really.
watching.

looking like some sort

of vagrant.

watching.
alone, but not really.

eventually her arms

got tired and

she required a

little assistance from bob.

a little help from bob.

a little help from bob.

eventually we got

our table and were

seated next to

a mother

who was in

town from the nyc

to pressure her

daughter and son-in-law

into having children.

madeline was the perfect

weapon for her

attack on their hearts,

what with her

beautiful smile,

blue eyes,

and the pink and black

skull shoes worn

over the feet

of her pajamas.

she held madeline

until it was time

for a diaper change.

i went to

to the bathroom

to powder

my child’s nose

but was stopped

by one of the

restaurant employees.

she let me know

that there are

no changing tables

in the restrooms,

so she led me to

the back

room where she

allowed me

to change madeline

on a giant table.

she even waited

with me so she

could take the dirty

diaper out to

the dumpster

in the alley.

(the awesome employees are just another reason i love this place).

rejoined our dinner guests

in time to share

the appetizer we ordered.

then we had a great

dinner and discussed

how they planned

to take my mind

off of things

on monday night.

we finished up,

drove home and

said goodbye.

madeline was asleep

when we arrived.

i watched the last

three outs of

the dodgers game.

finally, a playoff series win

after 20 years.

liz

would be so mad

if she knew

she were missing this,

but if she were here

she wouldn’t be missing it.

(she definitely would have canceled our dinner plans to stay home and watch the game).

madeline slept

through the celebration.

i found myself

unable to

join her, so

i watched a movie

that, due to

an empty house and

a wandering mind,

somehow reminded

me of the times

and place that ultimately

helped me deal

with death.

never thought that

the events i

i witnessed on

those two trips to the

pashupatinath would

be thrust upon me

this early in life

but without

those two trips,

one in 2004,

one in 2006,

i wouldn’t have been

able to make some

of the tough decisions

i made in the

days after

liz

died and certainly

i wouldn’t be where i

am today.

didn’t know

exactly how

to deal with

all of this

tonight but was saved

by a phone

call from a friend

on the east

coast who listened

to me until

it hit 4:00am

on her clock.

it was good to

talk this out,

to share this

experience with someone.

but it reaffirmed

something for me…

this is hard.

really hard.

Copyright © 2007-2012 matt, liz and madeline. All rights reserved. This blog may not be reproduced on any other site without the expressed written consent of Matt Logelin.